Mel

Mel · Bret:Hey, whoa. Crazy meeting you here, huh? / What, outside our house?

Mel:Jogging. Hey, where were you guys on Tuesday? I went to your gig. I was at the Aquarium for hours just waiting. They wouldn't let me stay after 1:00 a.m.

Mel:The fish were beautiful. They were breeding — it's mating season and I... I saw fish make love.

Mel:Actually, you know quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners...

Mel:We always have such a fun time when we're hanging out together. Awesome. [Bret and Jemaine awkward silence]

Mel · Bret:I never thought she was right for you anyway. / What didn't you like about Sally? / Well, I haven't actually met Sally.

Mel:I just sometimes think the thing you're looking for is often standing right in front of your eyes.

Doug · Mel · Bret:Mel, can we go now? We've been here for 2½ hours. / Is that Doug? / That's Doug. Don't worry about him.

Mel:Just 'cause I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you. / Thanks, Mel. / You can tell me anything. Anything. I promise I won't think you're a pervert.

Mel · Bret:Have I shown you my picture of Jemaine's lips? / No. / I have it here in my wallet. Look. / Those are my cousins, and there... that's... that's Jemaine's lips.

Mel:Bret, don't worry about Sally, all right? Whenever I was watching the two of you it was obvious that you were more into her than she was into you. / Really? / Yeah, you could really tell. / She always looked kind of bored.

Mel · Bret:Mel's consolation speech: 'You really know how to move that sign. You just manipulate it and caress it with your skillful hands.'

Mel:Mel describes watching Bret hold signs: 'You really know how to move that sign. You just manipulate it and caress it with your skillful hands.'

Mel · Doug · Jemaine:'Way better than those Australian girls in their bikinis.' / 'I didn't like them.' / 'Oh, I liked them.' / 'I hated them.'

Jemaine · Mel:A booking agent saw the tape-and-Jemaine act and wants to book them — Bret is excluded from this gig

Mel:Mel: 'Did the cops try to strip search you?' / 'Did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a—' (cut off by Jemaine's horrified departure)

Mel:Mel: 'It's like Bonnie and Clyde, you know. They would rob banks, and then they would do each other.'

Mel:Mel: 'What are you gonna do to me? Do it! No, don't, don't.'

Murray · Mel:The fan club roll-call: President. — Present. / Secretary. — Present. / Treasurer. — Present! / Maybe we should make that one title? — Sure. / It's all... it's quite convoluted. You're all three.

Murray · Mel:Item one: Any more fans? — No. Sorry, Murray. — Really? — No. — All right, let's move on.

Mel · Murray:I've got some photos here. I took some of Bret... well, actually I found them, I... when I was round at his flat. He's asleep there. / Oh-ho! That... Mm-mm, mm-mm-mmm! Mmm! Oh my God.

Murray · Mel:What's this one? — Mmm? — What's this one? — God, how did that get in there? Sorry. It must have slipped in with the... — do you want to hold onto that? — No.

Murray · Mel:Yes, he's seeing a girl from work... Coco. / Oh. Wow. Well, that's great that Bret has a girlfriend. / That's really great. / You don't think Bret's any less available now that he's? / Well, no! No. Is she pretty?

Murray · Mel:He's not gonna... not gonna get a girlfriend anytime soon, so... / Does, um... / Try your chances with him, can't you? / Mm-hmm.

Mel · Murray:Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? / Little bit? / A little bit... around the eyes. / Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh? / Well, she's... she's got eyes. Yeah.

Jemaine · Bret · Mel:Hey, Mel. / Hey. / What are you doing here? / I was walking my dog. / ... / Yeah, where's your dog?

Mel:Is there always someone at the door, 24/7? / Why? / Oh, nothing. Just making conversation.

Jemaine · Mel · Doug:Jemaine asks Mel if she prefers him over Bret — and she says yes with no hesitation — while her husband Doug sits right there

Jemaine · Mel:Jemaine refuses to compliment Bret himself because 'it might be gay' — then the conversation with Mel escalates into graphic descriptions of gay sex

Mel · Doug · Jemaine:Mel reveals she's the junior professor of psychology; Doug was the senior professor but was fired and 'just hangs around here'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel's compliment session for Bret: 'Hotter than Jemaine.' / 'You have a refined bone structure whereas Jemaine's facial features are too deep-set to be classically handsome.' / 'You're a better singer too. Yeah, Jemaine's often flat.'

Mel:Mel appears at the car window: 'Hey guys! What a coincidence! Ha ha!'

Mel:Mel spotting Murray walking: 'That him? No that's just some homeless guy. Oh no, that is him! Slow down, Doug.'

Mel:For the dinner that I won, I was wondering if you liked arugula or romaine lettuce.

Mel:Mel's backstory: college professor husband she pursued, restraining orders, 'love overcame... I always get what I want.'

Mel · Bret:But you don't drink beer, Bret. — I drink it all the time. — I could drink a whole glass of beer. — I thought it always made you go to the toilet.

Bret · Jemaine · Mel:Hey, guys, watch this. [extended pause — Bret watches for his moment to escape] — Great. — Thanks, Mel. — There's your beer. — Yum! Yum! That's good. Wow. — I just need to go to the toilet. Excuse me.

Mel · Bret:Bret! Hey, Bret, can I have a quick word with you? Those girls, I don't trust them, Bret. They have no interest in you as musicians. — Just want to what? — They want to do it with you, Bret. — Sex? — Yes.

Mel · Bret:It's just, Bret, I just hope that you'll make sure that they respect your boundaries. — Thank you, Mel. Okay. — Yeah. — Okay. — Are you okay? Do you need any help with... — Uh, can you please leave? — Oh, you don't need any help? — I'm going to the toilet, yeah. — Everything's fine with you?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · Mel:Murray's voice from webcam: 'Go to sleep. Stop chatting.' / 'All right, Murray.' / 'Good night.' / 'Say good night for me.' / 'Just wave at him.' / 'Say goodnight to Mel.' / 'All right. Good night, Mel.' / Mel's voice: 'Good night.'

Ben · Mel:Ben directs Mel as Arwen/Liv Tyler speaking Elvish. Ben: 'I can't understand a word you're saying. Articulate.' Mel: 'It's Elvish. That's Elvish.' Ben: 'Are you chewing something?'

Mel · Ben:After a minimal 'action' scene, Ben calls cut: 'Was that it?' 'Yup, that's it.'

Ben · Bret · Jemaine · Mel:LOTR video shoot: famous LOTR lines delivered in a low-budget setting — 'I'm not a conjurer of cheap tricks!' in particular, followed by the full 'You have my sword / And my bow / And my axe'

Mel · Bret:Mel: 'Whoa-ho! What are the chances? We're always bumping into each other.' / Bret: 'About one in one.'

Todd · Mel · Murray:Todd introduces himself to Mel as 'the third Conchord,' then flirts aggressively. Murray told him about Mel but 'neglected to tell me what a hottie you are.'

Mel · Todd:Mel: 'What do you play, Todd?' / Todd: 'I'll give you a clue.' / Mel: 'The bongos.' (immediately, before he gives any clue)

Mel · Todd:Mel on bongos: 'Oh! Rhythmic.' / Todd: 'Yeah, tribal.' / Mel: 'Powerful.' / Todd: 'Very physical, if you know what I mean.' / Mel: 'Oh, I know what you mean, Todd.'

Mel:Mel's parting line to Todd: 'Sweet dreams, baby.'

Bret · Mel:Mel is wearing a Crazy Dogggz t-shirt. Bret: 'Hey, you got one of the Crazy Dogggz t-shirts.' / Mel: 'No.'

Bret · Mel:Hey, Mel, you didn't make it to our gig the other... / Oh, yeah. / There was no one there... [long pause] without you there.

Mel · Doug:Outside, protesters appear holding a sign: 'Crazy Dogggz, we're onto you! You ruined his life!'

Mel · Doug:Mel calls Doug a 'conversation hog,' doing 'oink oink oink' sounds — but Doug has barely spoken.

Jemaine · Mel:Who's gonna want to buy one of those, Bret? [cut to Mel immediately buying one]

Mel:Wow, that's so romantic... two struggling musicians living in poverty and despair, selling their instruments.

Mel · Jemaine · Bret:Oh, well, I could give you guys some money. — Yeah? — Thanks, Mel. — I mean, you would have to earn it, of course. I mean, I wouldn't insult you by giving you charity. — Do you guys... do massage?

Bret · Mel · Doug:The massage scene — Bret massages Mel so gently she can't feel it; 'I'm just doing it very gently to begin with'

Mel:You're like a samurai. Like a massage samurai.

Mel:Oh, I feel like I've hired a gigolo. I'm just kidding. I would never hire... I mean, I would, I would, but I wouldn't pay you. I would. I would pay you so much money. I'm just kidding. That's not how I am. That's not what I'm about. I'm joking. I'm not. I am. I'm not.

Mel · Bret:Bret, you know how you told me you were good at sex? Are you? — That was just 'cause you asked me in front of Sally.

Mel · Bret:Well, you were lying then. — I was exaggerating a little bit. — Lying.

Mel · Jemaine:Mel sees Jemaine's lobby ad — 'I saw it on the advertisement on the lobby notice board. Did you take that off the lobby notice board? — Yes, and I don't have my own copy.'

Mel · Jemaine:Try hotels... fancy ones and ones near the airport. — Oh, okay. — How did you know that? — I read it in a book. — What book? — Just a normal book.

Jemaine · Mel:'What was the title?' — 'Just How to Get It Done.'

Mel:This lift is so slow.

Mel · Jemaine:Mel presents fan art of Jemaine to him at his door. Jemaine: 'What is it?' Mel: 'You don't like it.' Jemaine: 'I do.' Mel: 'No, you don't. You practically admitted that you don't like it.' Jemaine: 'I... did I?'

Mel:Mel's dramatic swing to joy: 'You love it! I can't believe he loves it! Oh God, you should hang it on your wall so you can see how strong and powerful you are, like the God Ra... the sun God Ra... or like a pharaoh.'

Jemaine · Mel · Doug:Jemaine: 'I'm not as muscley as that.' Mel: 'Yeah, that's what I said.' Doug (quietly): 'Be quiet, Doug.'

Mel:Mel: 'Anyways, I made one of Bret, but it came out a little weird, so don't tell him, okay? It came out x-rated, actually... some shadowing on the crotch got out of hand.'

Mel · Jemaine:Mel confronts Jemaine about painting being on the stoop. Jemaine: 'I had to throw it away!' Mel: 'Why?' Jemaine: 'Because Bret was jealous.' Mel: 'Really? Was he going apeshit?' Jemaine: 'He went apeshit.'

Mel:Mel: 'I swear on Doug's life I will fix this rift.'

Mel · Jemaine:Mel insists on standing uncomfortably close to Jemaine: 'Jemaine, stay close.' 'I am close. You're too close now.' 'No, but... closer. Put your feet next to mine... that's it. We're together, all right?'

Mel · Murray · Jemaine:Mel at the party: 'You said there was gonna be cheese. You said there was gonna be free cheese.' Murray: 'There will be cheese. Over there. Look.' Mel: 'Right, let's go and get some cheese together, okay? All right, go. No, you're too close.' — the physical proximity joke inverted

Doug · Mel · Jemaine:Mel offers to pose for Jemaine's portrait; Jemaine declines without hesitation. Doug: 'Mel, I could pose for you.' Mel: 'Oh, no thanks.' — Doug shut down instantly

Mel · Jemaine:Mel walks Jemaine's portrait around the block 'to get people's reactions.' Jemaine: trapped carrying a heroic nude-ish painting of himself around his neighborhood

Mel:Mel shows off the Jemaine portrait to strangers: 'This is a painting I did of Jemaine. As you can see, I pretty much got the handsomeness. That's Jemaine. If you don't believe it, he can take his shirt off and you can be sure about it.'

Mel:Mel: 'He is my muse and my joy. People don't appreciate art, do you? Unbelievable.' — delivered as an exasperated closing statement to strangers

Mel:Mel produces face-shaped cookies of Bret and Jemaine from her fanny pack.

Jemaine · Mel:Jemaine: 'I'm not sure I want to eat my own face.' Mel: 'I almost did on the way over here. The lips are very prominent.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel recounts her dream: Jemaine was 'a slave striving towards freedom.' And Bret... 'I just want to thank you. I had no idea you were so flexible.'

Mel · Jemaine · Bret:Mel sings: 'Why can't the world be more like in my dreams?' Jemaine flatly says 'No.' Bret says 'Yeah.'

Mel:Mel's dream song: she is Amelia Earhart, her cookies sing, she becomes instantly pregnant and gives birth to Bret and Jemaine.

Mel:Mel's dream continues: teeth fall out, falling to death — sung to the same upbeat melody as rescue and romance.

Mel · Bret:Mel stops Bret at the party and says she's 'kind of angry at you for something you did in my dream last night' and wants an apology.

Mel · Jemaine · Bret:Mel describes what Jemaine did in the dream that was 'very nice.' The audience hears her reaction shot/face, not words. Then Jemaine and Bret react identically.

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel: 'I think you should probably apologize [for what you did in my dream].' Bret: 'I'm not gonna apologize. It was a dream.' Mel: 'Well, actually, it seemed real, didn't it?' ... 'That's a shame. I should've apologized in the dream.' 'You bastard.'

Mel · Murray · Jemaine:Mel says she wants to 'learn how to attack a man.' Murray explains tae kwon do is about self-defense. 'Okay, Jemaine, come at me with all your might.'

Mel · Murray · Jemaine:Mel attacks in tae kwon do — apparently with gusto. Murray: 'Mel! Mel, stop it! Mel!'

Mel · Bret:Mel stops Bret — dressed up to look like Jemaine — and tells him she's imagined what a child of him and Jemaine might look like, and 'it looks something like this in my imagination' [implying she shows a drawing/image]

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel arrives with a 'mock-up family portrait' of Bret, Jemaine, and their hypothetical baby — 'coming out of you guys'

Mel · Jemaine:Mel tells Jemaine 'Did she slap you around? Did she sleep around on you? Did she leave you?' and is progressively more confused when the answer to all is no.

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel is discovered in their apartment, apparently sleepwalking or claiming to sleepwalk. 'This is your place. I must be sleepwalking. Oh no, don't wake me. You could kill me.'

Bret · Mel:'Do you have a key to our apartment?' — Mel: 'This isn't my place, is it? This is your place.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel's sleepwalking excuse: 'I must be sleepwalking. Oh no, don't wake me. You could kill me.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel offers mousse or hairspray instead of gel, then turns out to have neither. 'I'd better go before I wake up.' — Bret: 'You come in here without any mousse? What's wrong with you?'

Mel:'Bird watching. I love to watch birds.' — Mel's non-sequitur while Jemaine searches her pockets.

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel produces glue from 'in here' (from her body, presumably a pocket or somewhere more alarming). Bret: 'Glue?' — Jemaine: 'This should work.' — 'It's just like gel. Same viscosity.'

Mel · Jemaine · Dave:Mel accuses Jemaine and Dave of watching her for three and a half hours — then becomes disappointed when told it's not about her

Mel:Mel has apparently been watching Bret and Jemaine from outside for three and a half hours — but assumed they were watching HER

Mel:Mel on finding the key to someone's heart: 'I like to find useful information in bills, letters. Sometimes I collect nail clippings, but that's just me.'

Mel:Mel: 'Bret, does she run an Indian food takeaway?' — then produces Savannah's rubbish

Mel:Mel: 'When you love someone, you need all the ammunition you can get to take them down.'

Mel:Mel's account of how she and Doug got together: 'He resisted at first. In the end he cracked.'

Mel · Doug:Mel: 'Mel, this dumpster is definitely from a different building.' / Mel: 'Keep looking, Doug.'

Mel:Mel: 'I think she has man's feet.' / 'Man feet, Bret.'

Mel · Doug · Bret · Jemaine:Doug: 'Ah. Motorcycle magazines.' Mel: 'She must like tough guys.' Bret and Jemaine: 'Tough guys?'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel turns out to be the murderer — she appears at the hotel just after the receptionist warns the killer will return

Mel · Doug:Mel's rules: no bringing girls home / 'I know how you guys are'

Doug · Mel:Doug: 'I don't see any reason why they can't bring girls back here if they want.' / Mel: 'Do you want to bring some girls home too, Doug?' / Doug: 'No, but I don't see any reason why they can't.'

Mel:Mel threatens to 'find some real authentic sluts and turn this house into a whorehome' if Doug wants to bring girls back

Mel · Doug:The 'no partying' rule is 'for Doug' — 'He struggled with addiction.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Rule #8: 'You must not leave the house.' / 'When?' / 'What, never?' / 'Not after 11:30 P.M. And preferably never.'

Mel:'So other than those rules, there are no rules.'

Jemaine · Mel:Mel asks for a song; Jemaine invents 'throat polyps' as an excuse not to play

Doug · Mel · Bret:Doug offers to play the harp — 'Oh, Doug! No.' / 'That is such a womanly instrument. Have you ever heard of a man playing a harp?'

Mel · Bret:Mel tucks Bret into bed very tightly — 'It's very tight. I can't really move.'

Bret · Mel:The heater is broken — but Bret saw her turning it up moments ago

Mel · Bret:Mel locks the bedroom door 'for security' in a 'very dangerous neighborhood'

Bret · Mel:'I sometimes go to the toilet in the middle of the night.' / 'Mm-hmm. I know.'

Mel:'You guys are so cute. I could just eat you up.'

Mel · Doug · Bret · Jemaine:Mel and Doug announce a separation — delivered to Bret and Jemaine as if to children: 'This isn't about you' / 'Well, actually, Mel, it is about them.'

Mel · Doug:"This isn't about you." / "Well actually, Mel, it is about them."

Mel:'Do not say that in front of them, Doug. It's damaging.'

Mel · Doug · Bret · Jemaine:Mel assigns custody: Bret stays with Mel, Jemaine goes with Doug — 'But I will fight you, Doug, and I will get you back, Jemaine.'

Mel · Bret:'Oh, Bret, you'll understand when you're older, okay? You're so young.' / 'I'm 32.'

Mel · Jemaine:'Now, Jemaine, don't worry. You'll still see a lot of me.' / 'Mmm, um, yeah, probably.'

Bret · Mel:'Mel... are you wearing my shirt?' / 'Yes, I am.'