The Tough Brets

Bret:eminem is not very good

Bret:50 cent is not very good

Bret:Snoop dogg is not very good

Bret:mos def is not very good

Bret:but the rhymenoceros is very very good...

Bret:bass solo. Bass solo over.

Murray:Greg's written this. He's put the rs too far apart.

Murray:Texas, Lexus... two rhyming words. Do you think you could use those?

Murray:You can make sound, just make it so that people can't hear you.

Bret:No, it was Snoop dogg.

Murray:I know he's a dog, Bret.

Murray:He's lovable. Leave him alone.

Greg:All year.

Murray:What's wrong with that guy? Useless. What does he do all day?

Murray:You didn't hear that, did you, greg?

Murray:Good, so he didn't hear that last bit.

Murray:That's how you diss someone. Did you see what I did there? I didn't start a fight with greg, I didn't hurt his feelings. Greg's got feelings.

some people say that rappers don't have feelings

we have feelings

Jemaine:we're vincible

Bret:I feel like a prize asshole, no one even mentions my casserole

Bret:you could've said something nice about my profita rolls

Jemaine:and the assistant suggested I try a ladies' size

Jemaine:I'm not gonna wear a ladies' wetsuit, I'm a man

Jemaine:get me a small man's wetsuit, please

Jemaine:they forgot about me

Jemaine:the day after my birthday is not my birthday, mom

Bret:they're all lined up to watch that movie 'maid in manhattan'

Bret:they're all lined up to watch that movie 'maid in Manhattan'

Jemaine:once again, they forgot about j

were you ever called 'homo' because at school you took Drama?

have you ever been told that you look like a llama?

Jemaine:Death?

Murray:Yeah, or worse. Isn't it the same way with rappers back in newfoundland?

Bret:I'm not sure.

Murray:New zealand.

Murray:I heard of one rapper... he chopped this guy's whole body off, just left the dick behind.

Jemaine:Don't you mean they... they chopped off his dick?

Murray:No, I mean they held his dick and chopped his whole body off. That's all he was in the end... a dick.

Dave:Do I have gang experience? I was in the snake eyes, the duckies, the cuckoos, the vampires, the pharaohs, the ballroom dancers, the hobo lords, the little enchanters...

Dave:I was a navy seal for 15 years.

Bret:Okay.

Dave:I'm officially awol, so don't ask them about my existence, 'cause they'll deny it.

Mrs. Li:He says you have a kind face.

Dave:watering can tied to a hose. Pop! Cops show up, 'what's that, officer? No, just watering the geraniums.'

Australian:Oh no. A kiwi?

Kiwi:Oh no. Uh-oh.

Australian:Australian. Uh-oh.

Australian:Murray, I think you dropped new zealand's mineral exports for '08-'09.

Just pulling your tit.

Yeah, just pulling your boob.

Dave:I'm available most days after 6:00 but not weekends... and I can't say why.

Bret:Dinner with your parents?

Dave:Huh! No.

Bret:I have a bladder thing.

Mel:You don't like it. No, you don't. You practically admitted that you don't like it.

Mel:so you can see how strong and powerful you are, like the God ra... the sun God ra... or like a pharaoh.

Mel:I made one of Bret, but it came out a little weird, so don't tell him, okay? It came out x-rated, actually... some shadowing on the crotch got out of hand

Bret:We were just expecting missy Elliot was gonna come and chop my body off.

Murray:This gang is disbandoned.

Bret:No. Dis... what?

Murray:Disbandoned.

Bret:Disbanded you mean?

Murray:Abandoned? Yup, all of those things.

Jemaine:Yes. Who was in your gang, you and your mom?

Murray:No, Jemaine. It was me, my brother graeme, and my dad Gordon. Mom wasn't even allowed in it. No one knew why.

Murray:Dad was the leader, graeme found nice places for us to ride to and I was the guy that looked after the bags.

Jemaine:I had to throw it away! Because Bret was jealous.

Mel:Really? Was he going apeshit?

Jemaine:He went apeshit.

Mel:I swear on Doug's life I will fix this rift.

Australian:Miss new zealand... best looking Sheila in the whole country. Sorry, I didn't recognize you without the crown and sash.

Ambassador:But I thought flossy the sheep won miss new zealand every year.

Jemaine:have you ever been told that you're miss new zealand?

Dave:Mos def, the guy from 'law & order: SUV'? No, that's ice cube, but keep an eye out for him.

Dave:he was the voice of lightning the racehorse.

Jemaine:Bret, cool your jets, don't sweat

Jemaine:don't flip, don't get upset

Bret:not gonna sleep till I found him I'll pound him, I'll bet he regrets he ever messed with Bret from the tough brets!

what's the hurry?

hello, Murray, glad I caught ya

who's this? Your daughter?

Bret:Sorry.

Dave:You could get 10 years for that.

Dave:Where's the dapper dukes' hideout? It was right here. You know, we laid low for three straight months back in '58.

Dave:Maybe you're right, lil Louie. I'm getting old. This game ain't no good for me no more. I'm sorry, Louie. I'm out. So long, lil Louie.

Bret:How come I'm wearing gumboots?

Police Officer:Well, in the future, I suggest you don't kick children. we'll let this go because we don't like that particular kid, but we've got our eyes on you.

Mel:As you can see, I pretty much got the handsomeness. That's Jemaine. If you don't believe it, he can take his shirt off and you can be sure about it.

Doug · Mel · Jemaine:Mel offers to pose for Jemaine's portrait; Jemaine declines without hesitation. Doug: 'Mel, I could pose for you.' Mel: 'Oh, no thanks.' — Doug shut down instantly

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Song reprise verse: 'Have you ever been dissed over the intercom? / Have you ever found a gift you've given thrown away? / Have you ever been told that you're Miss New Zealand?'

Jemaine · Murray:Post-party small talk: 'Thanks for bringing me to the party, Murray.' 'That's all right. Good cheese, wasn't it?'

Bret · Dave:Bret and Dave on watch: 'We're looking for, basically, all rappers.' Dave: 'Mos Def, all the guys.' Bret: 'Mos Def, the guy from Law & Order: SVU?' Dave: 'No, that's Ice Cube, but keep an eye out for him.'

Bret · Dave:Extended rapper-filmography confusion: Ice Cube was in 'Are We There Yet?' and 'Are We Done Yet?', Method Man from 'Meet the Spartans,' Snoop Dogg 'was the voice of Lightning the racehorse.' 'Yeah, you don't want him on your ass.'

Bret · teenagers:Bret confronts the teen graffiti artists: 'Well, on behalf of the tough Brets, I'd like you to stop graffitiing Mr. and Mrs. Li's internet shop.' Teens: 'Who are you?' / 'Yeah, get lost.'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:'Stay Cool, Bret' song — Jemaine and Murray trying to calm Bret, then pivoting to their own anxieties: 'Not gonna sleep till I found him / I'll pound him, I'll bet he regrets / He ever messed with Bret from the tough Brets!'

Jemaine · Murray · Australian diplomats:'Stay Cool, Murray' — verse addressed to Murray: 'What's the hurry? / Hello, Murray, glad I caught ya / Who's this? Your daughter? / Your girlfriend looks great, do you want a date? / Just pulling your tit, mate...'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Mid-song fight sound effects: 'Bam! / Pow!' interspersed with 'Stay / Cool' — the song literally represents a street fight in musical form

Bret · Jemaine · Dave:Bret explains confrontation to teens: 'So you should respect other people's property.' Then accidentally kicks a kid. 'Bret, you just kicked a kid!' 'Sorry.' 'You could get 10 years for that.'

Dave · Bret:Dave, fleeing the scene: 'Let's haul ass fast. I know a place we can hide till this blows over. Come on. You dig?' Bret: 'I think so.'

Dave · Bret:Dave leads them to a building that used to be 'the dapper dukes' hideout' in 1958 — now it's presumably gone or replaced. 'Where's the dapper dukes' hideout? It was right here. You know, we laid low for three straight months back in '58.' Bret: 'Johnny, I think they've probably all retired by now.'

Dave:Dave's retirement speech: 'I'm getting old. This game ain't no good for me no more. I'm sorry, Louie. I'm out. So long, lil Louie.' — addressed to Bret, whom he's calling 'lil Louie'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret brings home the X-rated Mel painting and Jemaine reacts: 'I found that on the steps downstairs. I thought you painted it.' Bret: 'How come I'm wearing gumboots?'

Mel · Jemaine:Mel walks Jemaine's portrait around the block 'to get people's reactions.' Jemaine: trapped carrying a heroic nude-ish painting of himself around his neighborhood

Dave:Police knock. Dave: 'Look, if my mom... I'm not going back to the big house, all right? I'm out of here. Stall 'em.' — flees at the sound of police

Police officer · Bret:Police to Bret: 'We'll let this go because we don't like that particular kid, but we've got our eyes on you.'

Murray:Murray reveals the Lis have gone to Taiwan: 'They've gone to Taiwan to visit their son Phang. He just graduated dental school.' — casual epilogue delivered as if it's completely expected timing

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Jemaine and Murray reveal they were hurt not to be asked: 'Someone whom you haven't asked. Who? Jemaine's talking about Jemaine, Bret. You could've asked him... or me... but you didn't.' Bret: 'Do you guys want to be in the gang?' Both: 'Yes! Yeah, I'd like to, yeah.'

Bret · Dave · Jemaine · Murray:The gang immediately disbands again: Dave quits, so does Jemaine, then Murray: 'Well, if you're out and you're out, then I'm out. Really? Yeah, I'm out.' Bret: 'You're out as well? Well, I'm not leaving.' Bret alone: 'So that's it... I'm in. I'm the gang. I'm the Tough Brets.'

Mel:Mel shows off the Jemaine portrait to strangers: 'This is a painting I did of Jemaine. As you can see, I pretty much got the handsomeness. That's Jemaine. If you don't believe it, he can take his shirt off and you can be sure about it.'

Mel:Mel: 'He is my muse and my joy. People don't appreciate art, do you? Unbelievable.' — delivered as an exasperated closing statement to strangers