Murray Hewitt

Murray:May I interject? What do you think of this? [produces a lamp] It's good. I'm getting them for the building.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Okay, guys, band meeting. Bret? Jemaine? Jemaine? Well, yeah, obviously. Here? Well, you're here? / I'm here, so why do I have to say that I'm here? / It's just so I've got it all written down, you know.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:So how was, uh, Dave's party? / Oh it was good. / Mmm, it wasn't that good. / You're both aware I wasn't invited?

Murray:'Jemaine knew.' [Murray writes it in the minutes]

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:What fan base? / The fan base of the band. / You mean Mel? / That's not a fan base, that's just a woman.

Murray:Yeah, but I'm calling it a fan base from now on. It's just easier when I call, because if you say, 'Oh, the fan will be there,' they can tell there's only one person. I'm trying to make it look bigger.

Jemaine · Murray:What happened with the gig at the Aquarium? / It was kind of a misunderstanding. / Um, there was a typo in the ad. / It was sand they wanted. / Sand, you know, that wavy font? / It looks like a 'B' but it was an 'S.' / But I sent the demo.

Murray · Bret:They liked it. They might play it in the lobby. / Okay, that's positive.

Murray:Item two... that's it.

Murray:How does Saturday morning sound?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:And... action! / I don't think that's a proper camera, Murray. / Yeah, a mobile-phone camera. / I think it's mostly a phone.

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:What are these supposed to be? / Those are your function buttons for the robot. / They look like nipples. / Don't touch them!

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:It doesn't look like Daft Punk. We wanted ones like Daft Punk. I don't know who he is.

Murray:Try not to walk so funky, Bret, because you're... try and make it less cool. More like... you know, electronic... hide your neck.

Murray:Murray reveals their entire band fund is $4 because he spent $6 on a box to hold it

Murray:Murray calculates his 12% management cut of $4.27, arriving at '51.24 cents'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray offers his last $50, immediately hedges 'Till Thursday, I mean,' then reveals he's owed money by the band's mousepad disaster

Murray · Greg:Greg from the office walks in wearing the band's T-shirt, proves everyone knows Murray manages a band during office hours, then declines a mousepad

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Murray holds an emergency band meeting on the public sidewalk where Bret is working — 'You're not working, you're just holding a sign'

Murray:Murray calls a sidewalk band meeting with formal roll call: 'Bret. Present. Jemaine. Present. Murray, present.'

Murray:Murray's Australia grudge: 'The Australians, as always, have got their stall right next to the New Zealand stall... we're gonna blow those Aussies out of the water. Bloody showoffs.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The chicken-and-egg circular argument about gigs vs. jobs, culminating in Murray calling Bret 'a bad egg'

Bret · Murray:Bret's solution: 'I could just record my part on tape, I guess, and Jemaine could play along' — on a cassette

Murray:Murray evaluating the hot dog cart's sauce-to-price ratio mid-emergency band meeting

Murray:Murray's New Zealand expo pitch descends into the toothbrush fence: 'A whole fence made out of toothbrushes. Over 50 toothbrushes.'

Murray · Maxwell:Murray vs. Maxwell (Australia) stall competition: 'We've got rocks.' 'Massive.' 'We've got a big... smaller rocks.'

Murray · Jemaine · Maxwell:Murray is forced to perform with just Jemaine and a cassette tape — pressing play while Maxwell watches

Murray:'Blew the Aussies right out of the water. The tape was great.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray debates firing Bret, Jemaine accidentally reveals the bluff ('He told me he was going to pretend to fire you if you were late'), then Murray declares 'I've turned around' and fires Bret for real

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Jemaine blows Murray's bluff immediately — 'He told me he was going to pretend to fire you if you were late'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray and Jemaine's 'tape vs. Bret' comparison scorecard: 'More compact.' / 'I can carry the tape.' / 'You could carry Bret. How much can you press?' / 'Not to a gig.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray asks if Jemaine misses Bret. Jemaine: 'Not really.' Murray: 'You miss him?' Jemaine: 'A little bit.' Murray: 'I might put that down as a... thing.'

Murray · Jemaine:'Don't stand next to any big magnets.' / 'Why would I stand next to big magnets, Murray?' / 'I don't know what you do in your personal life.'

Murray · Jemaine:The tape gets caught on Jemaine's zipper — the band is dissolved for the second time

Murray · Greg · Jemaine:'Greg, could we get a couple of tissues in here? Greg? ... Go away, Greg.' / 'Sue them. Just sue them.'

Murray:Murray holds auditions to replace Bret, selects 'Brent' — 'It's not about talent. You're not the talented one. But with one letter difference, it's quite easy to do the transition.'

Murray · Brent:Murray holds auditions for Bret's replacement — 'It's not about talent. It's about the look.' — gives role to Brent

Murray · Eddie · Bret · Jemaine:Eddie made the band a sign: 'FOTC' — 'OH, NO THAT ONE. THAT ONE.' — The sign reads 'Hot Dogs'

Murray · Brent:Murray casually fires Brent ('sorry, we'll keep your number on file') after hiring him minutes earlier when Bret returns

Murray · Jemaine · Bret · Brent:Murray and Jemaine jointly confirm they missed Bret — 'Both... we both missed you.' / 'No, a little bit.' / 'You could see that you were...' — then immediately cut to unceremoniously firing Brent

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Jemaine claims he didn't miss Bret — Murray and Bret both call him out — 'No, a little bit'

Bret · Murray:Bret asking Murray to call him by his rapping name 'Rhymenoceros'

Murray:Murray's counter-proposal: 'I've got Bret. Can't you just have Bret as your rapping name?' followed by performing it — 'Hello, everybody, I am Bret.'

Murray:Murray: 'Rhymes with wet and...' — trailing off as if 'wet' is a sufficient endorsement for a rap name

Murray:Murray warning Bret: 'If you're gonna have some sort of rap name, just be careful you don't do a drive-by.'

Murray:Murray: 'And Murray... present.' — calling his own name in the roll call and answering it himself

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Item one, haircut. Bret.' / 'Well, get it cut. I mean, you don't hear of professional musicians with long hair.' / 'Well, Led Zeppelin?' / 'I mean a man.'

Bret · Murray:Bret: 'What do you mean, another gig?' / Murray: 'Remember the other one?' / Bret: 'Vaguely.'

Murray:Murray's list of nighttime dangers: 'get run over, pickpocketed, fall down a manhole, bump into people, murdered... imagine that... or even just ridiculed.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Well, that's a surprise. I get ridiculed all the time. Oh hey, ginger-balls. You know? That was Bret. He called you that.'

Murray:Murray: 'I get, Oh, what are you on your way to... a dick meeting?'

Murray:Murray distributing 'I ♥ NY' tourist T-shirts, hats, and safety reflective belts to help them 'fit in'

Murray:Murray demonstrating New York attitude: 'Hey, I'm walkin' here!' — 'That's what they say when... people get in the way'

Bret · Murray:Bret refusing the reflective safety belt: 'I'm not gonna wear that.' / Murray: 'Would you rather get murdered?'

Bret · Dave · Murray:Bret: 'There was two of them.' / Dave: 'Two? That's not a gang.' / Bret: 'It was a two-man gang.' / Dave: 'I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.'

Murray:Murray: 'A lot of New Zealanders come over here and they come into my office, and I give them the vest, a map, and I tell them to stay clear of crowds by going through back alleys. Yet almost every day a New Zealander is mugged.'

Murray · Bret · Dave:Murray: 'He may be dead.' / Bret: 'He maybe did what?' / Murray: 'He may be dead.' / Bret: 'I know, but what did he maybe do?' — repeated three times

Dave · Bret · Murray:Dave: 'Hey guys, remember that time he got his hand caught in that jar? What a dick. I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar? What a big fucking asshole he was.' / 'That was actually me.' / 'That was Bret, David.'

Dave · Murray:Dave: 'And he helped you when you got your head stuck in the chair. Remember? You were there for hours.'

Dave · Murray · Bret:Dave: 'Hey, what was that one thing he used to say? That always cracked me up. He'd be like... What? What? What?' / 'I never understood a fucking word that guy said.' / 'He did say what a lot.'

Police Officer · Murray · Bret:Police officer doing Jemaine's accent: 'Don't poot me in there weeth him. I'm innocent. I'm innocent.' / Murray: 'Yes, that's definitely him.' / Bret: 'It's a little bit more sort of South African.'

Murray:Murray: 'Oh, I thought you said they did [strip search you].' / 'Well, did any of your cellmates... good. 'Cause if I was a convict and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth...'

Murray:Murray: 'Oh, yeah, just run, Bret. Just run. It's like Bonnie and Clyde, you know. They would rob banks, and then they would do each other.'

Jemaine · Murray:Band meeting: Jemaine claims prison authority on gangster names — 'I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have.' / 'Like John.' / 'There was another guy there... Ralph.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine: 'If I can't trust him on the streets, I can't trust him on the stage. I can't do another gig with him without going against everything I stand for.' / Murray: 'Well, what if you actually had another gig?' / Jemaine: 'Well, then I would.' / Murray: 'I haven't actually got you one, but that's good to know.'

Murray:Murray: 'What's this meeting about?' / 'Well, one of my CDs is missing.'

Murray · Bret:There's a real buzz about it. Everyone's talking about these tours. — Bret, you were talking about it last week. — I was saying it's boring. — Oh, were you? Well, you were still talking about it.

Murray:'Friday, 4:05 P.M: Bret, Jemaine and Murray leave Dave's shop.' — the hyper-specific timetable Murray made for the band rotunda tour

Jemaine · Murray:Ah. Except I just remembered that I also can't go. — Why? I suppose you've got a date as well, have you? — Yeah. — Where'd you meet her? — At... at the library. — Library? What library? — Video library.

Murray:Ha-ha-ha! Video library. No such thing. Gotcha.

Murray:Enjoy your date, Bret, and your pretend date, Jemaine. All right? The video library... that's fine. I won't say goodbye, I don't feel like it.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Bye, Murray. — Bye. You gonna say 'bye'? — No!

Murray · Mel:The fan club roll-call: President. — Present. / Secretary. — Present. / Treasurer. — Present! / Maybe we should make that one title? — Sure. / It's all... it's quite convoluted. You're all three.

Murray · Mel:Item one: Any more fans? — No. Sorry, Murray. — Really? — No. — All right, let's move on.

Mel · Murray:I've got some photos here. I took some of Bret... well, actually I found them, I... when I was round at his flat. He's asleep there. / Oh-ho! That... Mm-mm, mm-mm-mmm! Mmm! Oh my God.

Murray · Mel:What's this one? — Mmm? — What's this one? — God, how did that get in there? Sorry. It must have slipped in with the... — do you want to hold onto that? — No.

Murray · Mel:Yes, he's seeing a girl from work... Coco. / Oh. Wow. Well, that's great that Bret has a girlfriend. / That's really great. / You don't think Bret's any less available now that he's? / Well, no! No. Is she pretty?

Murray · Mel:He's not gonna... not gonna get a girlfriend anytime soon, so... / Does, um... / Try your chances with him, can't you? / Mm-hmm.

Mel · Murray:Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? / Little bit? / A little bit... around the eyes. / Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh? / Well, she's... she's got eyes. Yeah.

Murray:Look at that. Classic Robert Moses design. / See the band shell, Jemaine? / Where's your fact sheet? You should be checking this out.

Murray · Jemaine:Are you okay? Are your feelings hurt? — No. — They must be. Are they? — No. — A little bit? — No. — A little bit, eh? — A little bit. — Yeah, a little bit. I knew it.

Murray · Jemaine:I just hope we don't have a Yoko Ono situation. — Is she trying to split up the band? — She hasn't mentioned anything. I don't think so... she's nice. — Is she an artist? — Don't know. — Does she like, you know, staying in bed a lot? / I haven't really noticed. / What about peace? Is she into peace? — I don't know. — Look into that.

Murray · Bret:All I'm saying, Bret, is it could bring unnecessary tension to the band's dynamic. Like this pencil... look. / Jeez, that is a... / That's it... that's your band. Broken.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine's nodding in approval. / By the way, how is Coco? — She's great. We're really in love. — Yeah? — It's... yeah, it's awesome. — She seems really nice. — Yeah, she's amazing. — Hold onto her. Okay? / It's a rare thing, what you've got there.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray · Coco:Coco presents a professional band poster she made. / Whoa, that's awesome. — Well, it's really arty. — It's cool. — We've already got a poster that I did. / Oh, okay. Oh, that's... that's all right. / That's cool. That's great, it's... it's better.

Murray · Jemaine:Also present, Coco. — Yoko. / What did you... what did you say? — Oh nothing, just had a bit of a cough.

Jemaine · Bret · Coco · Murray:No, it wasn't a real cough. I said 'Yoko.' — Yeah, I thought so. — Oh, I should go. — Why did you say that? 'Cause she's nothing like Yoko. — Oh-no, she isn't. — Jemaine, you're putting 'oh no' together to sound like 'Ono.' — Oh-no, I didn't. — You did it again. — Oh-no, did I? — Did you pick that up? — He's doing it.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:I'll throw this sandwich in your face if you say that again. — Bret, don't you dare. Not in my office. / A sandwich hit my face. — Yeah, well, I said I'd throw a sandwich at your face.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I've never seen such bad behavior at one of my meetings! — Don't be such a... a dickhead. — Yeah well, I'm quitting this band. — Yeah. — Well, you quit last week. — Yeah well, I'm quitting again. — Don't be a quitter! You can't! — Yeah, you quitter.

Murray:You've never been interested in bands anyway, Bret. You only came to one of the band rotunda tours.

Murray:It was a visa application denied. It took a long time to try and get resolved. I think the guy's a criminal. Sorry. / Just carry on. / It's looking good.

Murray · Jemaine:Good riddance, eh, Jemaine? — I've got tomato on my sleeve. — See? I told you. / Girlfriends and bands just don't mix, Jemaine. — You'll never have a girlfriend, will you? — No. — All right, let's just move on.

Murray · Jemaine:Do you miss Bret? — A little bit. Do you? — Same. I miss him. / Can you ask him back in the band?

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine. / Present. / Bret! / Yeah. / And Murray. / Yes, present, thank you. / I'm always here anyway. / I don't know why I bothered with my line.

Murray:Intergalactic real estate. / All right, so there's mine, Murray. / Bret, yours is up here. / And Jemaine, you're on the other side of the nebula there. / But that's as close as we could get the three that were available.

Murray:Over the last few months I've been creaming a bit off of the top of the band income and investing it.

Murray:Planet Murray was already taken. I like it... Murrayland. / Welcome to Murrayland.

Murray:In 10 years' time we'll be able to move up there. / And besides, I was thinking two words, guys: Natural resources. / Like coal, think about it. / Imagine a planet full of coal. / You get up there, oh my God, it's coal everywhere.

Bret · Murray:What about a planet of, um, diamonds and rubies? / No. / Well, it would be nice. / A lot of things would be nice, Bret, particularly if they were real.

Jemaine · Murray:Do we have any gigs, Murray? / Uh, yes, I've got an answer for that. / No.

Murray:Why are you moving out? Is it something I've done? / ... / Is it because I keep coming around when I'm sad?

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:It's because I eat too loud. / Really? / You eat too loud, Bret? / Well, I didn't notice. / Here, eat this.

Murray · Greg (unnamed character):Oh yeah. Whoa. / Who's eating? / Greg, did you hear that?

Murray:Sorry I'm late. I was up all night looking at stars trying to find ours. / They all look the same. Really a waste of time.

Murray · Jemaine:More like a compartment. / Hmm? / A compartment. Not an apartment... / Is that a joke? / Yeah. / That's pretty good. / You did get it, eh? / Yeah that's a good one. / Because it's small.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Bret went out with her. She broke your heart and yours as well. / Anyway, I thought you said Sally was shallow. / Oh, she's not shallow. / She is shallow. / But she's really hot. / She's the hottest girl I've ever touched. / Ever seen. / Well, she was the hottest girl I'd ever seen, but then I touched her.

Murray · Jemaine:It's not good news. Planet Jemaine supernova'd. / Yeah, there's nothing left of it apparently. / Just a huge gaseous cloud and the beginnings of a black hole. / When did this happen? / Uh, about four million years ago.

Murray:That reminds me of when I saw a puppy being born. I mean, just to see its little head just coming out of that dog's pussy.

Murray · Jemaine:Planet Jemaine supernova'd. / Yeah, there's nothing left of it apparently. Just a huge gaseous cloud and the beginnings of a black hole. / When did this happen? / Uh, about four million years ago.

Jemaine · Murray · Others:The party's over. / What? / The party's over, everyone. / What are you doing, Jemaine? / Greg's about to do his party trick. / This is the one that got him in 'The East Village News.' / No, the party's over.

Bret · Murray:Bret refuses roll call by saying 'No' and 'I'm not here' while visibly sitting in the meeting

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray reveals he has held band meetings without the band present and marked them 'absent'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The band photo turns out to be of Gemma's 21st birthday with neither Bret nor Jemaine in it, and Murray has circled their cousins

Murray:'It's got a good energy.' Murray responds to being told the photo has no band members in it

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:The second photo: Murray has superimposed Bret's head over Jemaine's ex-girlfriend Clea's head on a personal photo — and Murray made it himself

Murray:'This one here, you're not in. And this one here you're in, but you shouldn't be.'

Murray:Murray calls the photo shoot a 'photo shoot' with a dramatic pause as if it's an exciting revelation

Murray · Bret:The photo shoot is happening in the New Zealand consulate hallway with a passport camera that only Greg is allowed to touch — even Murray can't touch it

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray insists musicians smile and put their hands in the air, confusing this with what gymnasts do

Murray:'Jemaine, you look like an ogre that works in the library.'

Murray:Murray on the phone: 'No, he's not a midget. He's just... he's thin.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Bret arrives wearing an eye patch to the meeting about the magazine feature

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray outs Bret as bulimic in the middle of the pitch meeting setup — 'Bret's bulimic.'

Jemaine · Murray:'Is that a music term, "Rock it out"?' / 'Yeah, that's one.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · David Armstrong:The meeting with the greeting card company — Murray explaining what a greeting card with music is to the executive who makes them

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · Mr. Armstrong:Mr. Armstrong patiently explains three times how musical greeting card chips work — each time Bret/Jemaine compare it to something wrong (CD, headphones, Walkman)

Jemaine · Murray · David Armstrong:'Um, David, when will this meeting actually begin?' / 'Well it's... it has begun.' / 'They didn't do a roll call.'

Murray · David Armstrong:The deal: 1¢ per card. Murray: 'Woah... we're talking serious money.' / 'Yes, we're talking serious money, and a lot of it too.'

Murray · Bret:Murray describing Bret to the executive: 'You're the smaller one... you're into animals... you were bulimic recently... little touch of that... it's cleared up.'

Murray · Bret:'Were there supposed to be lightning bolts on the side of it?' / 'Yeah, looked pretty good, eh?'

Bret · Murray:'David Bowie told me to do it in a dream.' / 'Oh yeah, right, Bret. David Bowie in a dream.'

Murray:Murray's self-flagellating speech about being a bad manager: 'I could have stopped you before you revealed it, or turned it into some sort of thing, like I could have said it was a cultural New Zealand greeting.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's 'guess what's in my hand' game: guesses are 'a biscuit' and 'another kind of biscuit' and 'a really big biscuit'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The greeting card deal: half a million cards speculated, but only 50 are being made. 'We've got 50¢, so how much are your coffees?' / '60¢.' — they can't afford coffee

Murray · Jemaine:Jemaine can't get a copy of the card because 'that would cost more than 50¢, and then we'd be down, wouldn't we? The whole thing would be a waste.'

Murray:Band meeting minutes: 'Tension in the band. Bret upset. All sorted now.' — Murray's written minutes summarizing the brief, unresolved argument

Murray · Bret:'Something from your mom... I don't know what it is. It seems empty.' — Murray presents Bret's package as potentially empty

Murray · Jemaine:'Nothing from your mom, Jemaine.' — Murray notes, with clinical indifference, that Jemaine received nothing

Bret · Murray:Bret's DVD from home is actually a VHS tape; Murray corrects him and Bret says 'Dubbed video dub'

Murray:Murray awkwardly introduces Jessica the tech support woman to the band by calling her 'tech support advisor' instead of using her name (which he doesn't yet know)

Murray:'Pretty rock and roll... the sort of thing we talk about...' — Murray tries to spin a gig-free band meeting as rock and roll while Jessica politely exits

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:'I moved in with you guys for a month. I was upset, remember?' — Murray reveals his separation from his wife, which Jemaine and Bret had completely failed to understand at the time

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'You talked me down off the roof.' — Murray reveals he was on a roof during his breakdown; Bret and Jemaine slowly, unconvincingly remember

Murray:'That was a great episode of The Dog Show.' — Murray's non-sequitur segue away from the emotional conversation

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:'We're in the middle of a race war, Murray.' / 'What's that?' / 'Bad. We're in the middle of a race war.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:'We've been too busy with the race war.' / 'We're in a race war.' / 'All right!' — Murray's excited response

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'We've been too busy with the race war.' / 'We're in a race war.' / 'All right!' / 'It's very time consuming.'

Murray · Jessica:Murray's computer is 'already on' — he called tech support because he couldn't figure out how to turn on a computer that was already running

Murray:'Is it hot in here?' — Murray, after Jessica leaves, clearly flustered by attraction

Murray:Murray's love song consists of one word: '# Hi. #'

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:'Have you thought about adding some more words?' / 'I don't know. I don't want to make it too convoluted.'

Murray:Murray's expanded lyrics: 'I like pie. I had a budgie but it died.'

Murray:'I'm shy. I'm a guy. I wear ties.' — Murray's rhyme section

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's notes on Jessica: 'She's got great legs... great hair... smokin' hot. Whew.' — Jemaine and Bret react with increasing enthusiasm

Murray:Murray's critique of Jemaine's lyrics: 'It's inappropriate... Too much mumbling. Yeah, a lot of it was inaudible.'

Murray:Murray reverts to '# Hi. #' as his final song, satisfied

Murray:Murray sends Bret and Jemaine out of his office so he can summon Jessica — 'Go on, out you go! Meeting over.'

Murray · Phone Caller:Music library phone call: 'Do you have the new Gipsy Kings cassette?' — a random interlude of Murray's NZ consulate 'music library' function

Murray:'With telephones, you make the call.' — Murray's closing observation after the phone call

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:SONG: 'Leggy Blonde' — Murray's full love song for Jessica, incorporating the budgie, the pie, and the thong lyrics as a complete musical number after she's gone

Greg · Murray:Greg delivers the news that Jessica won't return: 'She's finished installing the new computer system. She's not coming back.' Murray: 'Oh, right. She's gone.'

Murray:'I had a budgie but it died' — inserted into the romantic chorus of 'Leggy Blonde'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'# I had a budgie but it died #' — appears mid-song in 'Leggy Blonde'

Murray:Song: '# I like pie #' — Murray's other lyric also makes the final song

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray observes the two women chatting: 'They're having a nice conversation.' / 'Do you like having nice conversations?' / 'No. Nope.'

Murray:Murray's band manager meeting: 'Bands shouldn't have girlfriends. What about Wham? You never saw Wham with girlfriends. That's how they kept the women wanting them.'

Murray:Murray immediately asks about their romantic progress after lecturing them to break up with the girlfriends

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray shares his own romantic history unprompted: 'I've told you about how far I've been with Shelly, last Christmas Eve.' / 'Yeah, I don't want to hear that again.'

Murray · Jemaine:'What about you, Jemaine?' / 'Um, I saw Bret feeling that lady's breast.'

Murray:Murray's 'good news': his car broke down in the ghetto, he met A.J. Jones (brother of Quincy Jones), who offered a high-end stereo for $50

Murray:'Off the Wall.' / 'Yeah, whoa. I'll say he is. He's crazy. Off the planet. Isn't he going to freeze himself?'

Murray:'The sink works. It just comes out of a different place.'

A.J. · Murray:A.J. Jones quotes the stereo price as $80 ('Good, 80 bucks') after Murray agreed to $50

A.J. · Murray:'Some shit went down.' / 'Oh really? Okay, sorry to hear about shit going down.'

Murray · A.J.:A.J. hears Murray's demo ('Who likes to rock the party? He likes to rock the party') and immediately says 'I love it'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The talking stove: 'Cheer up, Bret. / Mmm, it's the talking stove. / Things'll work out. / Yeah? / You love the talking stove. / Oh, let's make a cake.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Can I have one? / You can have a whole box. There you go. / Really? / Yes, take it home. I can't store them here.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The boxes of CDs turn out to be sawdust

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'I should find Quincy Jones and let him know what his brother's up to. He needs to know this.' / 'Oh, I haven't got his number.' / 'You could email him.' / 'I'd love to email him.'

Murray:Murray arrives, assumes they don't have girlfriends: 'I knew you didn't have girlfriends.'

Murray:Murray sold all the CDs to Dave, who uses them as blank rewritable media: 'Apparently they're rewritable. So he just deletes the music files and then sells them as blank CDs. Apparently it's worth more that way.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'It's not ideal.' / 'It's not ideal, but yeah, they're still getting out there, aren't they?' / 'Yeah, well, they're blank though.' / 'Yeah, but they'll be out there, and... you know.' / 'As blanks.' / 'Yeah.' / 'It's good.' / 'It's good, I know.'

Murray:'Just gotta find someone that'll buy this sawdust now, and I'll be complete.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray calls a band meeting and announces their 'biggest gig ever' with dramatic buildup, then reveals it's Central Park

Bret · Murray:Bret: 'Is it the Grand Canyon one?' Murray: 'No, there's no gigs at the Grand Canyon.'

Murray:Murray: 'Well, I've said a lot of things in my time, Bret. Not all of it's worth listening to, but let's just say this time around, it is.'

Murray:Murray produces a mysterious wad of cash from an undisclosed 'emergency fund' — visual gag of the money appearing from nowhere

Murray:Murray's rugby tour itinerary cross-applied to a band tour: 'Players play the game, you guys play the guitar. They kick the ball, you kick the... jams.'

Murray · Bret:Bret asks if they have to do 200 squat-thrusts at 7am; Murray says 'some of these won't apply to you — look for the red pen'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray crossed out 'bus' on the itinerary and wrote 'bus' again because 'Honda Accord' was too long to fit in the gap

Murray · Bret:Murray confesses that when driving alone at night, he imagines the Honda Accord is a bus — 'Is that a bit silly, is it, Bret?'

Murray:Murray's phone call with Shelly reveals he's transferred their savings into checking to fund the tour, escalating through the call

Murray:Murray: 'Those two effing idiots are good friends of mine, okay? ...I'm not even managing them anymore.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray mentions a car has been tailing them for an hour; Jemaine says 'It's probably Mel stalking us' with complete matter-of-factness

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:The 'airport gig' is revealed to be a hotel lobby at LaGuardia — Murray introduces it as 'at the airport, in the hotel... in the lounge'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Listen to the crowd.' Jemaine: 'There's hardly anyone here.' Murray: 'Yeah, it's subsided now. A lot of people have gone to get their flights.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine has spent his entire week's per diem on a leather suit

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Per diem means for the day.' Jemaine: 'Well, I don't know Latin.' Murray: 'Well, you should have said... per weekem would be the correct term.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bret asking for 'some of the chips that you said Bret could have' — the chip negotiation chain

Murray:Murray: 'I'm so livid with you turkeys. You're like a couple of cool-looking idiots.'

Murray · Bret:Murray insisting the leather suits were 'a classic rock 'n' roll move' — but attributing the idea entirely to Jemaine, not believing Bret capable

Murray · Bret:Murray speculating about Jemaine's behavior: 'He won't be in it. He'll be on top...' — Bret: 'No, he's tucked in.' Murray: 'Is he?' The hotel TV antenna scene

Murray:Murray reading the hotel bill: '$8 can of mixed nuts... you chucked a television out the window'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Don't cover for him, Bret. I know how rock 'n' roll he thinks he is... Mr. Keith Moon.' — Bret: 'It wasn't Jemaine, it was me.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Would you like some mixed nuts?' Jemaine: 'Have you got any cashews?' Murray: 'No, I picked them out.' Jemaine: 'Typical.'

Murray · Venue Staff:Murray introduces the band to a venue: 'We're just on a warm-up tour' — venue reacts: 'These are the guys who destroyed all that equipment in Passaic!'

Murray:Murray: 'Guys, I just need a moment alone, all right?' — reaction beat as he clearly processes the venue rejecting them

Bret · Murray:Bret asking Murray for a sparkling water while Murray is asleep on a single bed in the same room

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Pour some tap water and blow some bubbles in it.' Bret: 'It's not the same.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Hotel bill: 'Minibar charge, 0.00... Drinks charged to the room from hotel bar, $352.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine's bar bill autograph: 'Oh no, that's my autograph.' Murray: 'Yup, same... that's what a signature is.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's car rolls into the pool while he's arguing — 'Go! Move the car.' / 'Oh, flub.'

Murray · Bret:Murray explaining American handbrake placement: 'On American cars, the hand brake's on this side.' Bret: 'Oh, I must have just adjusted the seat.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'First Jemaine with the mixed nuts, then the TV. And finally, Bret, you drive my Honda into the pool!' — 'Personally, I prefer the mixed nuts caper. At least that was original.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'I feel like swearing.' Bret: 'Oh Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.' Murray: 'Go fuck yourself, Bret!'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine: 'Personally, I prefer the mixed nuts caper. At least that was original.' Murray: 'Thank you.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The boys present Murray with a leather suit as a peace offering — 'It's a little big. But get it wet and it snugs up.'

Murray:Murray: 'I've done a lot of thinking that last 40 minutes when I was walking along the side of the road like a bum. I kind of realized I'm not a very good manager.'

Murray · Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Thanks, Murray.' Murray: 'But it is.' Jemaine: '...' Murray: 'There there.' — beat — 'There there there there there there.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The potato/one-potato-two attempt at a handshake ritual that no one knows — 'Potato? / One potato, two... / No, just leave it.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Did you miss me?' Bret: 'Little bit.' Murray: 'Little bit, eh? Jemaine?' Jemaine: '...' [long pause] '...Oh...'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:The Central Park reveal: 'This isn't Central Park.' — 'Yes it is. It's a central park.' — 'I said a central park in Newark... New Jersey.'

Murray:Murray on phone to Shelly, proudly: 'Managing a band, actually, a little band called Flight of the Conchords. Yeah yeah. 'Cause that's what I do, all right? Got it? Good.'

Murray:Murray's cover story to his actual employer: 'I tripped over and both of my leg... muscles have... well, they contracted and I didn't know what... no. No. I don't manage a band. It has nothing to do with a band. Honestly, it's my legs. I think I've broken a piece of them.'

Murray:Murray: 'No, there's nothing going on in the background. Okay.' — clearly standing at an outdoor gig

Murray:Murray: 'Yes. I'll be in first thing.' — defeated acceptance of returning to his day job

Jemaine · Murray:'Cause there was probably only one entry. — No, there was hundreds, actually. — Really? — Yep. They're all from Mel.

Murray · Jemaine:And one from Jemaine. — Right. — But he was disqualified.

Murray · Bret:It's not a good look. You don't see Bret on the fan list. — Yeah, well, that's 'cause I'm not a fan of the band. I'm more a fan of popular bands like the Bee Gees, Pearl Jam.

Bret · Murray:World Music Jam? We don't play world music. Do we? — Yes. Where's New Zealand from if it's not from the world?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Really good. Different start to the song. — What were you doing there? — No, it's the same. — Oh, okay. So... [hums the tuning sequence] — Well, we were tuning. — Oh, okay.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I bought you guys a beer. — I don't even drink beer. — I don't drink it either. — Just drink it, will you? It's good for the rock 'n' roll image.

Murray · Jemaine:I do things for my image... make it more rock 'n' roll with the goatee and everything. — I don't like this goatee. I hate it. — Makes you look like a goat, doesn't it? — Yeah, exactly. But you've gotta make sacrifices for success.

Jemaine · Murray:Tell you what, maybe if I pretend to go to the toilet, you guys see if they're looking at me. [Murray watches] — No, they're not looking at me! — I might actually go to the toilet now that I'm over here!

Murray:Hey, do you want to join the fan list? Here we are. Here's a card with our website on. And you can get online and e-mail the guys and they'll reply to you.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Well, how about that, eh? A real rock 'n' roll band. — That'll be the beer, you see? — Yeah. — My goatee probably would've helped as well. — I think it was more the beer. — They weren't looking at your goatee. — Yes they were. One of them was.

Murray · Jemaine:Actually, Jemaine, I've had a really good response from something that happened with you when you were alone with the webcam. — Do you know what that would be? — I didn't know we had a webcam.

Jemaine · Murray:I think I might sleep in the lounge from now on. — Oh, okay. Well, here we go. There's the lounge. [shows webcam of the lounge too]

Murray:Anyway, they grew big beards, their old fans didn't like it. The new fans didn't like them without the beards, and then they had a do-we-have-a-beard-or-not situation.

Jemaine · Murray:Is this relevant? — Yes!

Murray · Rain:What was your name again? — It's Rain. — Oh. That's nice, like... kind of like bad weather.

Murray · Rain · Summer:I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly? — No. — No. — Do you not have a computer, or... — No, I do have a computer. — Oh, you can't read.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The new fans gave us illegal drugs and wanted to have a threesome with us. — Whoa, really? — Mmm. — That's pretty rock 'n' roll. — No, it was very awkward.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's band meeting response to 'the new fans gave us illegal drugs and wanted to have a threesome': 'Whoa, really? That's pretty rock 'n' roll.'

Murray:You'll be offered drugs. You'll have threesomes, dinners, you know? You'll end up going into town in a taxi, have a couple of drugs, have dinner, have a threesome, go home again. Have a shower, go out again, more drugs, more threesomes... happens all the time.

Murray:All right? I mean, I'd do it.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Okay, now look, you've lost your fan list now. The two new fans have dropped out of the gang. — We still got Mel. — Nope, she's gone as well. She's off the list. — Really? — Yes. — How many fans have we got now? — None. Empty club. I've put a note here... no one.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray asks Jemaine to join the fan list; Jemaine says yes. Murray asks Bret. Bret: 'No way. No, I'm just not a fan of the band at all.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Oh no, here we go. Perhaps here, Jemaine, would you like to join the list? — Yes. — Yeah? Okay. What about you, Bret? Can you join the fan list? — No way. — No, I'm just not a fan of the band at all.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · Mel:Murray's voice from webcam: 'Go to sleep. Stop chatting.' / 'All right, Murray.' / 'Good night.' / 'Say good night for me.' / 'Just wave at him.' / 'Say goodnight to Mel.' / 'All right. Good night, Mel.' / Mel's voice: 'Good night.'

Murray:Murray tells Jemaine not to disturb the paper-reading audience member: 'Could be big news he was getting into.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bret suggests giving out free pencils to get bigger audiences. Murray: 'No, you're not in New Zealand now, Bret.' Exchange about how pencil giveaways got 20 people to a gig.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's response to asking if he got a record deal: 'Probably not, I guess.' Then: 'Not even a Thanks for the demo. We're not interested. But thanks again for trying... every day.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The 'Cheer Up Murray' song begins — particularly the birthday cake in the shape of a 4 and a 3 because they thought he was 43.

Murray:After the song, Murray says: 'And you organized the soup. That's good management.'

Murray · Venue worker:Venue worker: 'We ran out of soup two hours ago, Marty.' Murray: 'I couldn't even get that right.'

Ben · Murray:The Stefan phone call — Ben as Stefan keeps having to be fed information by Murray ('Sony?' 'Yeah, uh-huh, Sony') mid-performance

Murray · Ben (as Stefan):Ben (as Stefan) says he's from 'the big one' when asked which record company. Murray: 'Sony?' Ben: 'Yeah, uh-huh. Sony.'

Murray:Murray breaks down begging Stefan for a record deal: 'Please offer us a record contract. Please? I'm begging you. Come on, please. Please. Please give us a record deal. Oh, come on.'

Murray · Ben (as Stefan):Ben (as Stefan) capitulates: 'Okay then.' Murray: 'Really?' Ben: 'Yeah, why not.'

Murray · Ben (as Stefan):Ben arrives at the restaurant having 'flown in from L.A.' Murray: 'That was extremely quick.' Ben: 'Well, I flew in a supersonic jet.'

Murray · Ben (as Stefan):Murray attempts to flip the 90/10 split: 'What about a flip-around? If we could go for the 90 and you have the 10?' Ben: 'Super.'

Jemaine · Murray · Ben (as Stefan):Jemaine asks if it's a good deal; Murray says yes; Jemaine asks again; Murray says yes; this repeats four times. Then Jemaine asks 'What about for you? Is it a good deal for you?' Ben: 'Quite frankly, this is a terrible deal for me.'

Ben (as Stefan) · Murray:Ben's second idea: 'We make a music video to coincide with the 10th anniversary of Lord of the Rings trilogy... I know Peter Jackson, and he was very excited by this idea.' Murray: 'That would have to be a no.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Band meeting — Murray: 'I've done the mathematics in my head. The percentages are in our favor.' Jemaine: 'Any. You haven't seen any [deals].'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The band vote: two Ayes, Murray says Nay. 'Two ayes, one nay, you're gone. Motion carried.'

Murray · Ben · Bret · Jemaine:Murray announces they've taken the deal. Ben: 'What are you doing?' Murray: 'I just got a bit carried away. I was... just... Stefan's so good at it.' Ben: 'Yeah, but, I mean, Murray, he's having a good time.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray has bought cigars for the wrap party. 'I don't smoke.' 'Oh yeah, I don't smoke.' 'Well, neither do I, but it's a special occasion.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'There's something I've got to tell you about the video.' Murray cuts them off: 'I know. That it's the best thing I've ever done in my life, right?' 'Yeah.' Murray: 'It is, yeah... I already know that.'

Murray:Murray at the wrap party: 'Here you go, guys. I manage the band. I'm the band manager. Get into it. Rock 'n' roll! Whoo! There we go. Cheers, good times. I like to rock the party. Hey, what about a photo? I'll keep that one.'

Murray:Murray's speech: 'When I first met them, I knew they had something special, something I like to call the A factor. Which is, when you see them, you go Eh!'

Murray:Murray: 'When they first came into my office, they had their guitar cases in tow, and they walked in and they announced — remember? — We've lost our passports. I knew at that moment that these guys were gonna be huge.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray offers to put drinks on the tab: 'Drinks are on us!' Jemaine: 'Uh, no, we probably shouldn't.' Murray: 'Don't worry about it, Jemaine.' Here's to Flight of the Conchords! The drinks are on us!'

Murray:'Water? Unsuccessful people have water. You're on champagne now.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The bill arrives: $600. Murray reveals he has a 'special industry code' from Stefan that pays for everything: 'Drinks, jet boats, caviar, everything.' He whispers the code to the waiter.

Murray · Waiter:Murray whispers the code '5768-745-2156.' Waiter: 'Sir, I don't know what you're talking about.' Murray: '576...' Waiter: 'Yeah, I heard you the first time, sir. I just don't have any idea what you're talking about.'

Murray:'I bet Meatloaf never had this problem, eh? You know, the music code... pays for everything.'

Murray:'Bret, see if you can get that cork back in that bottle, will you?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine reveal Ben isn't a real executive: 'He's a dry cleaner.' Murray: 'What do you mean? Of course he's an exec. Good one. What about the conference call between him, me, Peter Jackson, the guy from the mafia?'

Murray:Murray's reaction to the reveal: 'You're telling me that this is all a joke? Not a joke, but... Organized by a couple of jesters! Is this you, is it? Oh, let's do a jest, a great big... great big lark in the courtyard of the king, and see how he takes it!'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · Dry cleaner:Dry cleaning shop worker: 'Could you guys please leave? We're waiting on our dry cleaning.' Murray: 'Fuck.'

Murray:Murray's office: 'I'm just having another look at Stefan's professional credentials.' Art Garfunkel's card: 'To Ben, thanks for keeping me clean.' Murray: 'I thought that was some sort of drug rehab thing.'

Murray:'Your whites are the whitest.' 'Well, thought that was a Beatles album.'

Murray:'To Ben, thanks for dry-cleaning my clothes for me, Debbie Harry.' Murray: 'That makes sense now.'

Murray:Murray: 'Making me look like king of the dicks?'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'A 90/10 split. That's ridiculous. Not even Crowded House gets a 90/10 split.' 'Don't they?' 'No. 80/20, maybe, but 90/10's unheard of.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'I know it's pretend, but I thought you did really well in that meeting.' Bret confirms. Murray: 'I was hoping you'd bring that up. I kind of felt that as well. Did you? Yeah, I did do well, didn't I? That was my proudest moment, that meeting.'

Murray:'Oh look, it's my undies.' The underpants emerge from the microwave.

Murray:'Ooh, hot.'

Murray:Well, needless to say, people are still talking about me in Barcelona. / I bet they are.

Murray:Murray: 'Now I wasn't sure whether that was the magazine or the band. I've heard from both, I've got a no from the band...'

Murray · Todd · Bret · Jemaine:Murray loops back to item one after being challenged, announces 'Item one: Todd. Yeah, he's the new band member.' Todd says 'Hi.' Murray immediately pivots: 'Right. Item two...'

Todd · Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Todd plays a bongo solo that stops everyone in their tracks — the 'Whoa!' reaction and subsequent awed discussion of the bongo performance.

Murray:Even better than yesterday. You could see all the details when your fingers bounce off the skins. Pigskin, is it? Really good.

Todd · Murray:Todd: 'I'll just tell you straight up that all I'm really interested in is kicking some grooves, banging some tunes, I don't know, just basically getting it on.' Murray writes down 'Getting down.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray claims adding Todd was a good idea like his past managerial advice: 'Like that time I saw you for the first time onstage. I said "Face the front," and you did. We've never looked back since, have we?'

Murray:It's too late, Jemaine. I think I promised him. I'd just been given nitrous oxide. I was at the dentist. I didn't know what I was talking about. I think I'm going to his brother's wedding.

Murray:Murray: 'I had to. No one else was gonna do it. You guys weren't gonna come up with that idea, were you?' / Murray: 'I'm on a call here with the Secretary of State. Could you... how much longer are you gonna be?' / 'Oh, not much longer, Greg. Sorry.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray: 'Like the song.' / Jemaine: 'Which song?' / Murray: 'The John Lennon one, you know.' / Jemaine: 'Give Peace a Chance.' / Murray: 'Give Pete a Chance.'

Murray · Todd:After Todd plays, Murray says: 'But, um, not every song should end with a bongo solo.' Todd: 'Sure, no problem.'

Todd · Mel · Murray:Todd introduces himself to Mel as 'the third Conchord,' then flirts aggressively. Murray told him about Mel but 'neglected to tell me what a hottie you are.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Bret: 'He's not cool like us. We're cool.' / Murray: 'He's way cool! He's cooler than both of you put together.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray: 'He's like the Pied Piper of cool.' / Jemaine: 'Pied Piper was a good musician, wasn't he?' / Murray: 'He was cool.' / Jemaine: 'He wasn't cool. He took all those kids into a cave.'

Murray:Murray: 'No, before that phase, when just the rats followed him... the Pied Piper's not cool and Todd's not cool.'

Todd · Murray:Todd unveils the new band name: 'The Crazy Dogggz. Three Gs and a Z.' / Murray: 'I like it. You guys are crazy, you're like dogs.'

Murray:Murray: 'Two of you? But that's going backwards. I thought we had a proper three-person band.'

Bret · Demetri · Murray:Bret introduces Demetri's instrument: 'It's a guitboard.' / Demetri: 'No, man, keytar. Keytar.' / Murray: 'Yeah, he took the wrong parts of the words.'

Murray · Demetri · Bret:So is a guitar or a keyboard? / Exactly. It's the best of both worlds. / So it starts out as a keyboard and ends kind of as a guitar. / I don't like it. It's weird. / It's not the right shape.

Murray:Murray on the keytar: 'So it starts out as a keyboard and ends kind of as a guitar. / I don't like it. It's weird. / It's not the right shape.'

Murray · Demetri:Demetri plays the keytar. Murray asks him to hold it while he listens, then: 'No, don't like it. Ugh, no. Weird.' Then: 'Oh, that bit's good.'

Murray:Murray sees Todd and the original band arrive: 'Oh, here we go. The Fonzies have arrived.'

Todd · Murray:Todd: 'We're gonna be the Crazy Dogggz.' / Murray: 'Shut up, Todd.' / Todd: 'Don't tell me to shut up in front of people.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Why did you fire Bret, Jemaine?' / Jemaine: 'Well, I was trying to fire Todd but he did a sad face at me.'

Murray:Murray: 'I don't know if you can fire Bret. You're equal band members. It's got to come from a higher authority.' / Murray: 'Are you sure?' / Murray: 'Ye... no. I'll have to check, but it doesn't sound right.'

Murray · Jemaine:It's got to come from a higher authority. / Are you sure? / Ye... no. I'll have to check.

Murray:Murray: 'I'm not even supposed to manage one band. I'm supposed to be working at the New Zealand Consulate, Bret.'

Murray:Murray: 'Murray, do you think you could find another cubicle?' / Murray: 'Oh, sorry, Greg. Yeah, all right.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray calls the band meeting: 'Leave those girls alone there and come over.' / Jemaine: 'Okay, Bret.' / Murray: 'Jemaine.' / Jemaine: 'Standing right next to you.'

Murray:Went really good tonight. Really good, you two. / Thank you. / And good, you two too.

Murray · Jemaine · Todd:Murray: 'Actually, Jemaine, what about that song of Todd's? You could do the one about the dogs. "The Doggy Bounce."' / Jemaine: 'Bring that one in. I like that one.' [Todd]: 'Arf arf.' / Jemaine: 'Yeah, it's not ready though.'

Jemaine · Todd · Murray · Bret:Jemaine and Todd argue: 'It's been ready! It's been ready!' — Murray: 'Come on, listen. Look, shake hands.' / 'He's squeezing my hand a little bit.' / Todd: 'Are you? Just my regular handshake.' / Bret: 'There's no squeeze there. What a wuss.'

Bret · Murray · Todd:He's squeezing my hand a little bit. / Are you? / Just my regular handshake. / There's no squeeze there. What a wuss.

Murray:I'm flabbergasted.

Murray:Murray returns after an apparent long absence: 'Well, sorry I haven't been in touch. I've just been so busy, man, you know?' — then lists the Crazy Dogggz' achievements: 'Number one in 24 countries. / We did one gig... 98,000 people. That was in Rio. / The President of Peru invited us to like a dinner. We had parfaits. / I got like a big sun lounger.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Well, sorry I haven't been in touch. I've just been so busy, man, you know? / How are the Crazy Dogggz? / They're a phenomenon. Number one in 24 countries. / They say hi? / No.

Murray:Know the dog? It was my idea. / Really? / It's Toby.

Murray:We did one gig... 98,000 people. That was in Rio. Then the President of Peru invited us to like a dinner. We had parfaits. I got like a big sun lounger.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Do we have any gigs, Murray?' / Murray: 'Yeah. Yeah, you've got the library. They want you back for the bingo night.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Actually that's the same night that the Crazy Dogggz have got a big gig. Giant Stadium. / How giant is it? / That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'So I'm gonna go there first, set them up, and then come back to the library, help you guys out, and then probably to and fro between the library and the stadium.' / Bret: 'Yeah, Murray, it seems like you're spending a lot more time with the Crazy Dogggz than us.' / Murray: 'No, equal time. Check my schedules, it's equal.'

Murray:So I'm gonna go there first, set them up, and then come back to the library, help you guys out, and then probably to and fro between the library and the stadium.

Murray:Murray: 'I can't discuss it now 'cause I've got to go. I've got lunch with Tori Amos.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray calls band meeting roll call; Bret says 'Yes,' Jemaine says 'Also yes,' Murray says 'Present of course.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray announces R Kelly wants to sing on their next song — then realizes that's the Crazy Dogggz item too.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray defends his management: 'Before you came to me, you were poor and you had no gigs.' Bret: 'Now look at you.' Jemaine: 'We're poor and we've got no gigs.'

Murray · Jemaine:Item four on Murray's agenda: 'Stuff you.' Then 'Stuff you, Jemaine, and stuff you, Bret. And stuff you again, Jemaine.'

Murray:'I've got the Crazy Dogggz. They're making hit after hit. Doggy bounce, number one. Doggy dance, number five. In the pound, number 37.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray reveals the Gold records on the wall are fake — pencil sharpeners stuck to bits of wood — and the Grammys are fake too.

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine: 'I thought we won Best New Zealand Artists.' Murray: 'There's no such category, Jemaine.'

Murray:Murray closes the meeting: 'Band meeting finished... Forever.' — with a dramatic pause.

Murray:Murray's parting shot: 'Good luck without me, you turkeys.'

Murray:Song lyric: 'Like a cake shop without any cakes'

Murray:Song lyric: 'Like a cornflake box without any flakes'

Murray:Song lyric: 'Like a little orphan girl... who's been neglected' — with a long pause between the two lines.

Murray:Song lyric: 'or bisected / slung, flung, tossed through / or trajected'

Murray · Glen:Murray's song is interrupted by Glen: 'There's a call for you from Poland... a lawyer.' Murray: 'Please, tell him I'm not there. I'm not here either. I'm not... not anywhere.'

Murray:Murray at the boys' gig, watching a band: 'These guys are pretty good.' / 'They'll never hit the big time. They're too devious.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray shows up at the gig and tells the boys he used to do things 'behind the scenes' — things they couldn't see. Bret: 'What, when we couldn't see you?' / 'What would you be doing behind the scenes? Having dinner? Going to the movies? Relaxing?'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Photocopying. Haggling.' Jemaine: 'Higgling?' Murray: 'Yeah, do you know what that means?' Jemaine: 'Is that a word that you just made up?' Murray: 'It's made-up, yeah, but...'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray · Martin Clark:Emergency band meeting during the conversation with the agency executives. Murray: 'No, please, go on. Shoot.' Boys run off anyway. Martin Clark: 'Don't listen.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Boys tell Murray 'It's easier than easy' / 'Easier than you thought.' Murray: 'Oh okay, so you're telling me it was unbelievably easy.'

Murray:Murray warns: 'I've been to Bangkok. Now Monday you're trying to do a TV commercial, they're filming it, it's all about toothpaste, then Tuesday they're trying to film you naked.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray plays them the Crazy Dogggz song and a Polish song that turns out to be identical — and came out 13 years earlier.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray tallying up 'bads' and 'normals' on the plagiarism question, getting confused about who said what: 'So you're normal... No, I'm bad... I've got three...'

Murray:Movers start removing furniture from Murray's office mid-meeting. Murray: 'Excuse me. Careful with that. That's worth $20,000. It was a gift from Tori Amos.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Boys: 'Are you moving office, Murray?' Murray: 'I'm kind of moving.' Item three: 'Would any of you like to buy a desk?'

Murray:Murray reveals he's living in his car — but denies it immediately: 'No, of course not. It's illegal. You can't do that... Apparently... Unless you move your vehicle every three hours.'

Murray · Bret:Murray is clearly living in his car, treating his glovebox as a 'stationery cabinet.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Why don't you get your old job back at the consulate?' Murray: 'I can't do that, Bret. I've moved on. Look at me. I'm not going back there. Plus when I quit I told them all to go stuff themselves.' / 'No, I wrote it down, but it's the same feeling. Imagine reading that.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'I'm persona non regates.' / 'You're not at yacht race?'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray kicks them out of the car: 'I've got to go. That's enough. Thank you. Out you get. Gone. Both of you.' Jemaine: 'There wasn't a meeting, Murray. It doesn't count as a meeting.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Nice pants.' Bret: 'Are they woven? Wow.' / 'These are man-made.'

Bret · Murray:Bret phones Murray: 'We've got blue robes on. We're not wearing anything...' Murray: 'Get dressed.'

Greg · Murray:Greg ignores Murray's emotional speech and reads him phone messages instead: 'One from May... something about your gym membership expiring... One from the Prime Minister from September / And one just before Christma... / No, that's... that was a wrong number.'

Murray:Murray returns victorious: 'Well, good news, guys: I got my job back, I got your passports. Bad news, guys: Your passports aren't ready. They're not processed.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray uses their legal crisis as leverage: 'If you hire me back, I'll tell you what to do.' They rehire him. 'What should we do?' Murray: 'I think we should run for it. Come on, let's go.'

Murray:After running to Murray's car, Murray: 'Good managing, eh, guys?' — while they're all clearly in distress/fleeing.

Murray · Bret:Murray produces a shoe for Bret: 'Oh, Bret, that's for you.' / 'I managed to get you a shoe, eh?' / 'That's okay. You know what? I think there's a guardian angel looking after us.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'I think there's a guardian angel looking after us. I'm sure of it.' Jemaine: 'Murray, it couldn't have possibly gone worse.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's newsletter review: 'Conchords crash and burn — by Murray Hewitt' — Murray wrote his own band's scathing review

Murray:Oh, good news. The new New Zealand consulate newsletter is out.

Murray · Jemaine:Two stars out of 100, not out of five — 'Well, I wish it was, but it's out of 100.'

Murray:Say it's out of five.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:The Nigerian internet scam — Murray invested the band's emergency fund in an obvious internet scam from 'Nigel Soladu'

Murray:Why would someone want to scam me, Jemaine, and on the internet service, one of the trusted things of today's society?

Murray · Bret:The biscuit ordering bureaucracy — getting a biscuit requires filling out a form sent to Wellington, with an ID check, delivery by Tuesday

Murray:Murray's second review: 'Flight of the No-Chords. It was hard to tell if the band was a band or a mime troupe. No stars.'

Murray · Jemaine:It doesn't matter who wrote it, Jemaine. This is what people are reading. This is the written report on you that someone's written. — Yeah. You.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Can you think of any successful musicians with no instruments? — The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. — Boyz II Men. — Bobby McFerrin. — Pavarotti. — Bret's right. There are none.

Murray:The timeline visual gag — Murray's 14-year guitar recovery timeline where the scale 'got out of hand at the start'

Murray:You should see the first one I made, though. It's definitely an improvement.

Murray · Bret:The consulate gig offer — Murray calls Bret's existing job at Eddie's as a 'gig' and tries to take commission

Murray · Jemaine:I could work on that with you and get a cut of it. — You don't want to. — I'd like to. — No.

Bret · Murray:He's out working the beat. — Drumming? — No, he's a gigolo. — A what? — He's a prostitute. — Jemaine's a hooker. — A whore? Is he? — A prostitute. — A male prostitute.

Murray:Can you imagine it? Out of the hundreds of people that use the internet, only I was willing to help him.

Murray:Bret, you've got to get out there and stop Jemaine. He shouldn't be selling himself to the street!

Murray · Nigel:Why aren't I a prostitute? Why aren't I a prostitute, Bret? Good one, Nigel.

Murray · Jemaine (via Bret's report):We could all be in a prostitute club. — It's 'cause of that cup. You should never have bought that cup.

Murray · Nigel:Also, I've got something to say. Nagoota tata lacie. / Did I say that right? / I don't know what you said. / I'm still trying on that one.

Murray · Nigel:Nagoota tata lacie. — Did I say that right? — I don't know what you said.

Murray:Murray's computer instruction — 'There's the keyboard here. There's the mouse. You can just go up and down on the keys. I don't use that. There's the TV screen.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:We were at square two, but now we're back. — When was that? — Let's stop talking about squares.

Murray:You're like a couple of... jailhouse turkeys.

Murray:You're like a couple of... jailhouse turkeys.

Murray:Murray taking band meeting attendance: 'Uh, well, Jemaine? Present. Who else have we got here? Bret? Yup. And who else? Mu... mur Ray. Oh.'

Murray:Murray: 'Greg's written this. He's put the Rs too far apart.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Texas/Lexus as rhyming words for the band to use: 'Item one: Texas, Lexus... two rhyming words. Do you think you could use those?' — 'No.' — 'Maybe.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The band has been playing gigs in a library and complains: 'It's so hard to play there because everyone wants us to be quiet. They're shushing us constantly.' Murray: 'You can make sound, just make it so that people can't hear you.'

Murray:Murray: 'I don't know what that means. Does that make any sense to you?' about the word 'dissing' in his own manager's notes.

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'The only one I could make out was Snoopy. What's your problem with him?' Bret: 'No, it was Snoop Dogg.' Murray: 'I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out once in a while. He's lovable. Leave him alone.'

Murray · Greg:Murray's intercom to Greg has been broken — Greg has been hearing everything Murray says about him all year. 'You're only supposed to hear when I have the button down. Can you hear that?' — 'It is broken, Murray.' — 'Broken? How long have you been hearing me?' — 'All year.'

Murray:Murray, after realizing Greg heard him, immediately disparages Greg again: 'What's wrong with that guy? Useless. What does he do all day?' then asks 'You didn't hear that, did you, Greg?' — then celebrates: 'Good, so he didn't hear that last bit. That's how you diss someone.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray to Bret: 'Have you thought about these rappers that you're dissing? You might hurt their feelings.' Then breaks into song.

Murray:Murray after the song: 'Yes, well, all good examples.' Then continues warning about rappers hurting Bret's 'pretty little brain.'

Murray:Murray's escalating warning about rappers: 'You hurt their feelings and kaboom... they'll hurt you more than your feelings... they'll hurt your pretty little brain, Bret. It'll be gone, then you'll have no feelings.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Here in the United States, rivalries between rappers usually result in death or worse.' Bret: 'Death?' Murray: 'Yeah, or worse.'

Murray · Bret:Murray's urban legend about rappers: 'I heard of one rapper... he chopped this guy's whole body off, just left the dick behind.' Bret: 'Don't you mean they chopped off his dick?' Murray: 'No, I mean they held his dick and chopped his whole body off. That's all he was in the end... a dick.'

Murray · Australian Consulate staff:Murray meets Australians in the lift: 'Are you a kiwi?' / 'Yes, hello.' / 'Oh no. A kiwi?' / 'Oh no.' / 'Uh-oh. Australian. Uh-oh.'

Australian diplomats · Murray:'Just pulling your tit.' / 'Yeah, just pulling your boob.' — Australians apologize for the mineral exports joke using increasingly odd euphemisms for 'pulling your leg'

Dave · Murray:Dave at gang defense meeting: 'I'm available most days after 6:00 but not weekends... and I can't say why.' Murray: 'Dinner with your parents?' Dave: 'Huh! No.'

Murray · Bret:Murray's confusion: 'Right, Bret, what's this I hear from one of the band about you starting up a gang?' — Bret: 'You told me to start up a gang.' Murray: 'I said rappers have gangs and you shouldn't hassle rappers.' Bret: 'No, you said rappers have gangs, so I should start a gang.' Murray: 'Typical... you didn't listen.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'This gang is disbandoned.' Bret: 'No. Dis... what?' Murray: 'Disbandoned.' Jemaine: 'Disbanded?' Murray: 'Abandoned?' Murray: 'Yup, all of those things.'

Murray · Bret:Murray's yes/no loop with Bret: 'Yes. / No. / Yes! / No. / How about yes? / How about no? / Well, I'd rather you say yes. / No.'

Murray:Murray completes the pivot back: 'Nice guy, isn't he... Greg?' — after previously dissing Greg constantly, including seconds ago

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray reveals he used to be in a gang: 'It was me, my brother Graeme, and my dad Gordon. Mom wasn't even allowed in it. No one knew why.'

Murray:Murray describes his gang role: 'Dad was the leader, Graeme found nice places for us to ride to, and I was the guy that looked after the bags.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine: 'Murray, is there anything band-related in today's meeting?' Murray: 'Yes, there is, actually, but I haven't finished my gang stories.'

Murray:Murray's final agenda item: 'Bret, Murray, curry. Any use to you?' — offering another rhyming word set as they leave

Mel · Murray · Jemaine:Mel at the party: 'You said there was gonna be cheese. You said there was gonna be free cheese.' Murray: 'There will be cheese. Over there. Look.' Mel: 'Right, let's go and get some cheese together, okay? All right, go. No, you're too close.' — the physical proximity joke inverted

Australian diplomat · Jemaine · Murray:Australian diplomat at the party: 'Who's this, Murray... your wife? No, his wife... his wife left him.' Murray: 'Jemaine!' — Jemaine has just told everyone Murray's marriage failed

Australian diplomat · Jemaine · Murray:Australian diplomat: 'Miss New Zealand... best looking Sheila in the whole country. Sorry, I didn't recognize you without the crown and sash.' — referring to Jemaine (a man) as Miss New Zealand

Murray:Murray: 'Let's just get all their cheese and grapes and get out of here.' — retaliation plan is stealing the party food

Murray · Greg:Murray: 'Greg, what are you laughing for?' — Greg (presumably on the intercom) has been laughing at the sheep joke

Murray:Reprise of 'Hurt Feelings' instrumental — Murray walking alone, dejected, through the party

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Song reprise verse: 'Have you ever been dissed over the intercom? / Have you ever found a gift you've given thrown away? / Have you ever been told that you're Miss New Zealand?'

Jemaine · Murray:Post-party small talk: 'Thanks for bringing me to the party, Murray.' 'That's all right. Good cheese, wasn't it?'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:'Stay Cool, Bret' song — Jemaine and Murray trying to calm Bret, then pivoting to their own anxieties: 'Not gonna sleep till I found him / I'll pound him, I'll bet he regrets / He ever messed with Bret from the tough Brets!'

Jemaine · Murray · Australian diplomats:'Stay Cool, Murray' — verse addressed to Murray: 'What's the hurry? / Hello, Murray, glad I caught ya / Who's this? Your daughter? / Your girlfriend looks great, do you want a date? / Just pulling your tit, mate...'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Mid-song fight sound effects: 'Bam! / Pow!' interspersed with 'Stay / Cool' — the song literally represents a street fight in musical form

Murray:Murray reveals the Lis have gone to Taiwan: 'They've gone to Taiwan to visit their son Phang. He just graduated dental school.' — casual epilogue delivered as if it's completely expected timing

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Jemaine and Murray reveal they were hurt not to be asked: 'Someone whom you haven't asked. Who? Jemaine's talking about Jemaine, Bret. You could've asked him... or me... but you didn't.' Bret: 'Do you guys want to be in the gang?' Both: 'Yes! Yeah, I'd like to, yeah.'

Bret · Dave · Jemaine · Murray:The gang immediately disbands again: Dave quits, so does Jemaine, then Murray: 'Well, if you're out and you're out, then I'm out. Really? Yeah, I'm out.' Bret: 'You're out as well? Well, I'm not leaving.' Bret alone: 'So that's it... I'm in. I'm the gang. I'm the Tough Brets.'

Murray:Murray claims to be 'the brains behind this operation' immediately after demonstrating he doesn't understand how a two-piece band works.

Murray:There's no such thing as a small venue, Bret, only small bands.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The camper-van gig was sold out — 'that one old man and his wife' — and Murray is proud of this.

Murray:'That was sold out if I'm correctly mistaken.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray explains 'the friendship realm' as basically a realm... but a friendship one.

Murray:Murray presents a formal friendship graph with x and y axes, levels of friendship, and 'strangers — which is pretty much everyone I've noticed.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Jim is revealed to be Murray's best friend — but Bret and Jemaine have never heard of him.

Murray:'Well, if you guys were my friends, you'd know who my other friend was... Jim.'

Murray · Greg:Murray asks Greg if they're friends. Greg says 'I hope so.' Murray immediately corrects him: 'We're not. We're colleagues. I'm your boss.'

Murray:'See, guys? I don't let just anyone be my friend. Greg's a good guy, but he's in colleague status.'

Murray · Greg:'Now can you fax that to me?' — Murray asks Greg to fax something to him when Greg is standing right in front of him

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray tells the band to slow down mid-gig because there's a 'possible couple here... dancing to this.' They comply. Murray: 'Well, you've lost the audience.'

Murray:'Oh, it's the bottom floor.' [Audience leaves, going downstairs]

Murray · Bret:Murray holds a 'friends hangout' with a formal agenda. Bret says 'Present' when called on. Murray: 'No, you don't need to say present. We're just friends.'

Murray:Murray distributes printed lists of 'things we could do as friends' — including 'make a coffee,' 'complain about our days,' 'watch a DVD,' 'build a fort,' 'express emotions,' 'have a beer.'

Bret · Murray:Bret suggests what he actually likes doing: 'having a bath.' Murray: 'Well, we're not gonna have a bath, Bret.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine: 'I like to have a sleep.' Murray adds it to the list.

Murray:Murray builds a 'bivouac' (fort) out of brooms, blankets, and beds, and invokes his New Zealand Army service.

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: New Zealand Army uniform was 'the green t-shirt and green shorts.' Jemaine: 'Oh, I thought that was your underwear.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray's platoon drank their own urine. 'Were you lost?' 'No, we were drunk. It was a party game.'

Murray:'I didn't really like that part of the army.'

Murray · Jemaine:In the fort: 'Bret, I feel like you're my brother. And, Jemaine, you're our dad.' Murray says 'Go to sleep, Murray.' Murray: 'Good night, Dad. Good night, Graeme.'

Murray:'This is a definite move up on the y-axis, guys.'

Murray:Murray formally consults the friendship graph to evaluate the sleepover's results, announces they've 'reached the next level.'

Murray · Bret:'I think you're ready to meet Jim.' 'Who's Jim?' 'Jim... my best friend.'

Murray:Murray proposes the barbeque plan, calling it the 'afrienda' (friend agenda).

Murray:Murray assigns Friends character roles: he's Chandler ('the funny one'), Jemaine is Ross ('the mopey one'), Bret is Joey ('the naive one').

Murray:'Jim knows me as the chandler guy.'

Murray · Jemaine:'You wait till Jim gets here, it's gonna be twice this.' 'He's like a one-man party.' 'Well, does he need us then?'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray describes Jim's 'funny thing': a nude woman statue in the garden. He says it enthusiastically and Jemaine initially thinks it's a monster with big ears.

Murray:Murray's proposed prank on Jim: tell him he found Bret and Jemaine in the bush, where their girlfriends left them as punishment.

Murray:Jim arrives. Murray: 'And the fun begins. Incoming. Zing zing zing — zing!'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine have set up a full table-tennis table in Murray's office. Murray: 'This is not a rec center for the misguided.'

Murray:Murray demotes them on the y-axis for the table tennis incident. 'This is a drop in the y-axis, Bret.'

Murray · Jim:Murray offers to make up for it: 'We'll go orienteering with Jim on Saturday.' They decline. 'Friday?' They decline. 'I'll see you tonight at tae kwon do.' 'Murray, I forgot my jock again. Do you got an extra one?' 'I've only got one jock, Jim.'

Murray:Murray introduces Mel to the tae kwon do group as 'the female element' — like Phoebe from Friends.

Mel · Murray · Jemaine:Mel says she wants to 'learn how to attack a man.' Murray explains tae kwon do is about self-defense. 'Okay, Jemaine, come at me with all your might.'

Mel · Murray · Jemaine:Mel attacks in tae kwon do — apparently with gusto. Murray: 'Mel! Mel, stop it! Mel!'

Murray:Murray confronts Jemaine about calling Jim a dick. 'I got him drunk and he told me.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'He's not a dick or a tick.' Bret: 'I do call you a dick sometimes.' Jemaine: 'Same.' Murray: 'All right, that's another issue we need to discuss.'

Murray:Murray: 'You're the dick in this scenario, Jemaine... for calling Jim a dick. Yes. How does that feel, a taste of your own dick medicine?'

Murray:Murray: 'Friends should be friends of friends' friends.'

Murray · Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Final graph review: they've dropped to 'below colleagues... worse than when we started. Strangers.' Then Murray updates Jim's chart: 'Friends as ever. Nice one.' Jim asks where Murray buys his markers.

Murray:Murray drilled holes in his own desk to mount a table tennis net rather than using clamp-on nets

Murray · Bret:'I don't even know you guys anymore. / So we're not friends anymore? / No, Bret, not according to the chart.'

Murray · Bret:'I don't even know you guys anymore.' / 'So we're not friends anymore?' / 'No, Bret, not according to the chart.'

Murray:Murray tells them tomorrow's band meeting will be uncomfortable because they'll be strangers. 'Just come and give your names at the desk.'

Jim · Murray:Post-credits scene: Jim and Murray have a rapid-fire Q&A ('Favorite sauce?' 'Brown sauce.' 'Paper or plastic?' 'I'm a paper man.' 'What do you call the color of your hair?' 'Electric copper.' 'White Gold, rust belt.')

Jim · Murray:Murray and Jim exchange hair color names: 'Electric copper.' 'White Gold, rust belt.'

Murray:The 'Friends' song: 'If you kick my dick, I won't break your balls.'

Murray:The 'Friends' song overall as a comedic set piece — the entire musical number.

Murray:'If you crossed the road and a truck struck you / I'll scrape you up and reconstruct you.'

Murray:'If you get murdered, I'll avenge your death.'

Murray:During the song, Murray's fly is undone. The lyric at that exact moment: 'Friends tell you when your fly's undone.' Murray, your fly's undone.

Murray:'Friends borrow money, never pay it back.'

Murray · Jim:Song: 'Friends drink beer in the sun / unlike girlfriends, they don't mind if you have more than one'

Murray:'My uncle John had a special friend / they dressed alike, his name was Ben / I've never seen two friends like them / they were very very friendly men.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray drives Bret and Jemaine to the nightclub but refuses to let them out despite their protests, insisting on taking them 'right to the door'

Murray · Dave:Murray hands Dave $20 to babysit Bret and Jemaine, explaining 'Last time I gave them $20 they went away and spent it. Bought a magazine and a giant beach ball.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray tells the bouncer he has 'a couple of very cool looking guys in the back of my car' — the camera presumably shows Bret and Jemaine looking profoundly uncool

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's meeting agenda item: government-approved biscuits. Bret's form was approved; Jemaine's was rejected because he wrote 'NA' for purpose of biscuits.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray asks if Jemaine can have one of Bret's biscuits 'until I get this sorted' — the camera holds on Bret's reluctant reaction before he relents

Murray:Murray transitions meeting: 'Right, let's move on. Next, nightclubbing experiences. Anything to report back?'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bret reveals Jemaine's secret: 'Jemaine slept with an Australian.' Murray: 'What?!' — then clarifies he said 'what' as disbelief not mishearing

Murray:Murray: 'How do you accidently sleep with one? What, did she get you naked and you tripped over and fell on her? Is that what happened?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray whispers to Bret with Jemaine turned away: 'Do you think he's listening? Let's test it. Jemaine's a good-looking guy, isn't he?' — Jemaine immediately turns around

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray devises a test for whether Jemaine is listening: 'Jemaine's a good-looking guy, isn't he?' — Jemaine visibly reacts — 'Yeah, he's listening.'

Murray:Murray: 'Maybe we should banish him, you know, from the group. Cast him off. Never speak of him again, just for a couple of days.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray explains Australian danger using mermaid mythology: 'The sailors used to fall for them... the Australians would lure them to the bottom of the sea and they'd drown.' Bret: 'Oh, that's mermaids.'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret · Keitha:Jemaine: 'Hey, she'd never be my girlfriend.' — cut to Jemaine introducing Keitha as his girlfriend

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'What is that you're wearing?' Bret: 'Where'd you get that?' — reaction to whatever Jemaine is wearing (implied Australian-influenced outfit)

Keitha · Murray · Bret:Keitha: 'You can call me Keith, by the way.' Murray: 'That's a man's name.' Keitha: 'It's a female name. It's got an 'a' on the end.'

Murray:Murray: 'Got quite the accent, don't you, Kevina?' — mispronouncing Keitha's name

Keitha · Murray · Bret:Keitha says she sounds like Marilyn Monroe on the phone to her mom. Murray and Bret's reactions: 'Did you catch that?' / 'What are you deaf?' as they struggle to process the claim

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'And your children, what about them? What would become of them? They'll be aberrations, won't they?' Jemaine: 'It's pronounced aborigines.'

Murray:Murray: 'Think of them. They'll be neither here nor there, forced to move from city to city looking for the perfect wave.'

Jemaine · Murray:'She can't come to Christmas.' / 'She's gonna ridicule us at Christmas.' / 'Maybe I will go to her house for Christmas.' / 'I don't have to do everything you say.'

Murray:Murray to Jemaine: 'And sit up straight. You're slouching terribly.' / 'No, don't stand up, just sit up.'

Murray:Murray: 'She's probably in the toilet thinking of something to bring me down with.'

Keitha · Jemaine · Bret · Murray:Keitha: 'See you later, big j.' Jemaine: 'Let's go, little b.' Bret: 'Okay, little m.' Murray: 'Medium m.'

Dave · Bret · Murray:Dave, after being asked about Jemaine: 'Wait a second. Which one are you?' — to Bret, who is standing right in front of him

Dave · Bret · Murray:Dave farewell: 'See you, Murray. See you, Jemaine.' (misidentifying Bret as Jemaine). Then he's gone before they can correct him.

Dave · Murray · Bret:Dave: 'I just think it's really cool that you love each other even though you're from Austria and you're from someplace no one's even fucking heard of.' Murray: 'Australia.' Bret: 'New Zealand.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's notes: 'Jemaine, you had great stage presence. Fantastic. Bret... no stage presence, unfortunately.' Bret: 'The last gig? I didn't do that gig.' Murray: 'Exactly.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's concern that Bret's jazzercise clashes with gig times, leading to an earnest discussion about whether Bret has already paid for his classes

Murray:Murray: 'Wow. That time of the year again.' — in response to both band members having song ideas

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray reveals past song ideas: Jemaine's 'forest' idea from two years ago; Bret's 'I wish I was a tree.' Murray: 'Quite similar to the forest idea.' Then Jemaine's 'sailing' idea from last year — 'Still finishing that one.' Murray: 'It's been nearly a year now.' Jemaine: 'Well, I don't know anything about sailing.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine's sailing song: 'I don't know anything about sailing'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Both Bret and Jemaine independently reveal their new song ideas are both about epileptic dogs

Murray:Murray: 'Well, either way you look at it, it's quite a complicated subject, isn't it?' — about epileptic dogs as a song topic

Murray:Murray's argument that a song supporting epileptic dogs would alienate 'pro-aids' fans — 'then you'd end up alienating all those people that are pro-aids'

Murray · Greg:Murray asks Greg to 'do a quick whiz around the office and just see if anyone's pro' — surveying coworkers about AIDS

Murray:Murray: 'Let's not get all bogged down on aids.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray is developing a vaccine for 'pepileptic dogs' — 'I'm sorry, are you a vet or a doctor?' 'No, not really.' 'But I guess I'm quite intelligent.'

Murray · Bret:Murray has been taking his own unproven vaccine every 30 minutes — 'I'm showing no symptoms of epilepsy.' Bret: 'But you don't... you never had epilepsy.' 'No, I don't have epilepsy. But I think that's because of the vaccine.'

Murray · Barbara:Barbara's bag is too full to take the remaining vaccine — 'Well, take that. There's a little bit left in there. So if you do find him...' 'I can't. My bag is so full.'

Murray:Recording session: Murray hears a piano and asks 'What, with your feet? I can't see one.' — responding to 'Bret' playing piano on the recording

Murray:Murray: 'If you break it I'm paying for it.' — worried about equipment during the microphone fight

Murray:After the duel song: 'Surrender. It's a draw.' — Murray's verdict on the musical duel

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Benefit concert speech: Bret: 'It's great to be here. I'd like to dedicate this song to all the dogs with pepilepsy.' Murray: 'Bret, your speech is boring.' Then Jemaine: 'I love dogs with epilepsy.'

Murray:Murray's verdict: 'It was good, wasn't it? Yeah, it was different.'

Barbara · Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Post-concert disaster: 'The strobe lights gave all of the dogs seizures.' 'Not all of them.' 'Well, the epileptic ones.' 'Yeah, all of those ones.' Bret: 'I thought they were dancing.'

Murray:Murray's reveal: 'You see, my two lads here both seem to fancy you.' — exposing both men's feelings to Barbara; then 'On the other hand, if you like me, that's a different story.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray marks himself as 'present' without letting Bret and Jemaine say their own 'presents', then claims it's to save time.

Murray:Murray announces the prime minister of New Zealand is coming, and that he might even 'meet the president of America' — said as though America needs the qualifier.

Murray:Murray: 'I listened to some of their songs, and they're actually better than your songs.'

Murray:Murray: 'Well, here's the thing — the actual lookalikes don't look anything alike, and they don't look like the guys they're supposed to look like, and they're busy. So I went in there and you know what? You look just like they do.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:After the boys refuse, Murray says 'Okay. Well, I'll have to put that $50 back then.' Pause. '$50 each.'

Bret · Murray:Bret starts to say 'The prime minis—' and Murray frantically shushes him, pointing at the sleeping prime minister.

Brian (PM) · Murray:The prime minister wakes up confused: 'What day is it, yesterday?' Murray: 'No, it's today, sir.'

Murray · Bret:Murray explains that Bret can be the bodyguard by pretending he has a gun with his hand in his jacket. 'Don't pull that out, 'cause that's obviously not a gun. When you pull it out, just go: It's still in there.'

Murray:Murray's phone call to the White House: 'It is a country! Yes, it is!' after apparently being questioned on whether New Zealand exists.

Murray · Fake President:Murray introduces 'the 44th president of the United States' — and it's a man from a lookalike agency who 'also does Usher and sometimes Will Smith.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The audience count: 'How many?' — 'One.'

Bret · Murray:'Is it Mel?' — 'No, it's not, Bret. Actually, Mel was busy. She actually requested that she can't come today. But if she was here, yes, we'd have two.'

Murray · Jemaine:'He's a big guy though, Jemaine. He's taking up three seats. He's got shopping bags with him.' — 'Well, you can't count the shopping bags, can you?' — 'There's three seats used.' — 'What, so the majority of the audience is shopping bags?' — 'Yeah, most of the audience are shopping bags.'

Murray:'Just give this one big guy with the shopping bags the best gig of his life. Rock it out.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Post-gig: 'Hey, when did he go? When did that guy leave?' — 'Yeah, he snuck out. Possibly as early as the first song.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The audience member (and manager) both snuck out during the gig.

Murray · Jemaine:'Technically yes.' / 'Well, technically you were there.' / 'Technically I actually snuck out as well.'

Jemaine · Murray:'You went shopping.' — 'Oh, yeah.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray produces a 'high points and low points graph' — the high point of their entire career is a parking meter that was broken.

Murray · Bret:'Maybe in the '70s, guys. But come on, get up with the '90s.' — 'It's not the '90s.'

Murray · Jemaine:'Most of your hair is body hair, isn't it, Jemaine?'

Murray · Bret:Murray's 1991 'experiments' photos — he was 'trying to find my look.' Bret: 'You should dress like this more often.' Murray: 'No, I've found my look now.' His look is a moss-green shirt and a tie.

Prime Minister Bryan · Murray · Jemaine:The Prime Minister interrupts with 'Knock knock' and walks in. Murray immediately says 'Morning, prime minister.' Jemaine: 'Thank you, m'lord.'

Prime Minister Bryan · Murray:Prime Minister asks Murray for an eraser because 'I'm doing a drawing but I've made a mistake. I'm working on a poster idea for my new campaign.'

Prime Minister Bryan · Murray:Gary the sheep: 'New Zealand's most famous sheep is gonna be there. He's on hiatus.' A person will 'mime shearing him because Gary's got his look. We can't mess with that.'

Prime Minister Bryan · Bret · Jemaine · Murray:PM asks for a cool band. Bret and Jemaine immediately offer. PM: 'Well, no, we're looking for a cool band.' Murray: 'They are available.' PM: 'I see.'

Prime Minister Bryan · Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Prime Minister sees Bret and Jemaine: 'You guys seem a little cooler than usual today.' — 'Usually you wear clothes from the '70s.' — 'They're not from the '70s. They're from new zealand.' — 'Isn't that the same thing?' — 'Similar, I suppose.'

Murray:The 'glowing review' from the New Zealand Consulate Newsletter: 'They came, they saw, they Conchord. A couple of cool guys took to the stage and wowed the audience with music and up-to-the-minute styles. Move over, refrigerators, here's what's cool.'

Murray:'Move over, refrigerators, here's what's cool.'

Jemaine · Murray · Prime Minister Bryan:'Go away, Murray.' — Murray: 'Go away!' — '...Did you hear that, prime minister? So cool.'

Murray · Paula:Murray and Paula's awkward implied history — 'Paula grew up next to me. 39 Harcourt Street, Nelson. Mind you, that was all a very very long time ago. Many many years ago now. People get married to other people.' — both of them talking past each other.

Prime Minister Bryan · Paula · Murray:The PM tests his new chain of command: 'Paula, could you please ask Murray what time it is?' — Paula: 'Hey, Murray, have you got the time?' — Murray: '2:00.' — Paula: 'It's 2:00, prime minister.' — PM: 'Yes, I heard and I think he heard me.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Maori village plan: 'I think the most important part is to get a maori warrior. That would really sell it. So do we know any maoris, Jemaine?' — 'Actually, you're part maori, aren't you?' — 'No, I'm not doing it.'

Murray · Jemaine:'Well, if you don't do it we're gonna have to get Mexicans.' — 'You can't get Mexicans to do it. That's culturally insensitive.' — 'We've already signed one up so it can't be too sensitive.'

Prime Minister Bryan · Paula · Murray:Toothbrush fence replica: 'Paula, how many toothbrushes have we got so far for the replica of the toothbrush fence? 46.' — 'Yeah, well, that's still not 50 and we need 50 really for an effective replica.'

Prime Minister Bryan · Murray:'Can I drive the bus?' — 'Don't think that's a very good idea.' — 'The prime minister of New Zealand driving a bus?' — 'Please?' — 'Please, Murray?' — 'All right then.' — 'Excellent. I get to drive the tour bus.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray opens the door, sees their hair without gel: 'Oh my God! Oh, it's terrible!' — 'What have you done?'

Murray:'Shivers, I forgot your gel.' — 'Shivers' as Murray's expletive.

Murray · Greg:'Hi, greg, I need some anti-glue.' — 'What's anti-glue, Murray?' — 'Well, it's anti-glue, isn't it? It gets rid of glue.' — 'I don't think that exists, Murray.' — 'Just get it, okay? It's an emergency.'

Murray · Jemaine:Gary the sheep: 'The guy who was supposed to mime shear him sheared him for real. He's basically bald.' — 'Gary can tell. He's livid.' — 'And by the way, the guy next to him barbecuing... I think he's barbecuing lamb.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'We can't do it. We're not cool enough.' — Murray: 'Guys, do you want to know a secret? It wasn't the gel that made you cool. It was the confidence the gel gave you.'

Murray:Murray's confidence speech: 'It wasn't the gel that made you cool. It was the confidence the gel gave you.'

Murray · Jemaine:'Yeah, it was the hair gel, guys. Sorry. We're not cool? No.' / 'This is a new low, isn't it?' / 'Yeah.'

Bret · Prime Minister Bryan · Murray:'This was a complete disaster.' — 'Well, I thought that was relatively successful.' — 'Yes, it went very well. Well done, Paula.'

Murray:'Forget it, Bryan. It's New Zealand Town.' — closing line, riffing on 'Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown.'

Murray:Murray's band meeting: present / present / present. 'That wasn't too hard, was it?'

Murray:Murray's elaborate phone call to Helen: blaming Greg for eating the four missing sandwiches using fabricated forensic evidence — 'crumbs just around his mouth'

Murray · Greg:Greg heard the entire conversation — he was standing right there

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's schedule book says 'Nothing' / 'No need to come in.' — he called them in to tell them there's no need to come in

Murray:Murray's digression about Shelley: 'It's a bit like shelley and I, actually, looking back... just getting used to each other so much, taking each other for granted like a pair of old sneakers.'

Murray · Greg:Murray asks Greg for orange cake — Greg responds with 'It's Murray' instead of yes or no, demonstrating ongoing anger

Murray · Jemaine:Murray wants Jemaine as wingman to apologize to Greg — instructs Jemaine to discuss 'business stuff... stock exchange, calculators'

Murray:Murray's strategy for distracting Greg's businessman contact: 'Business stuff — you know, stock exchange, calculators.'

Murray:Murray's apology to Greg: 'I like your tie.' — as an opener

Murray:Murray's squashed chocolates from his desk: 'They're a bit squashed, but...'

Murray:Murray: 'No breaking through that wall of ice, is there?' — to Jemaine, while Greg silently takes another chocolate

Murray:Murray uses diplomatic immunity to get Jemaine released — with handmade Kinko's cards: 'Jemaine Clemaine, New Zealand Diplomat'

Murray:Murray: 'I'm the deputy cultural attache for the new zealand government, and this is my assistant greg. He's actually angry with me about something, so I've brought him in here as a treat. We don't really need him, but it's good to get him out of the office.'

Murray:Murray to the officer: 'Can we get my friend John out as well?' Officer: 'No.' Murray: (accepts this instantly and moves on)

Murray:Murray and Greg reconcile in the police station: 'I knew bringing you here was a good thing.'

Murray:'Okay, so he's a racist and now you're homeless.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray calls a meeting: 'Present. Jemaine. Present. Well, Murray, present.' — roll call with no one absent

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'Is there a more practical solution?' / 'No, just...' / 'One that relates to our problem?'

Murray:Murray describes his musical as 'like Mamma Mia... but this is your musical' — the comparison to Mamma Mia as an aspirational benchmark

Murray · Jemaine:'It's about a couple of deadbeat guys from New Zealand who have got nothing going on.' / 'Wait, who are those characters?'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray's musical has 'a savvy manager who shows you the light' — 'who's that?' / 'Oh, that's a character loosely based on me'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:'Did you see the one about the guys who started at the bottom, stayed at the bottom and at the end they were still at the bottom? So inspirational. Who'd go and see that?'

Murray:'I was writing this and at the same time I was reading it. I couldn't put it down.'

Bret · Murray:The musical ends with them staging a successful Broadway musical — 'but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen like that'

Murray · Bret:Murray shows Bret a scene where he comes into the office and Murray tells him about the musical — 'It's just like now.' / 'Really?' / 'Yeah, you say really? — there you go.'

Bret · Murray:'Can we stay at your place tonight, Murray?' / 'Yeah, sure, but I've only got one bed and I grope people in my sleep.'

Murray:'It's a condition. It's one of the reasons I had to leave the New Zealand army.'

Bret · Murray:'We'll just stay on the floor.' / 'I'll probably find you there. I tend to... I really reach out.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'Mmm, never mind. No? We'll find somewhere.' / 'That's actually better for the story, if you're homeless.'

Jemaine · Murray:Bret claims he can't play because of 'the risk of throat polyps' — then Murray offers to play the harp instead

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's musical rehearsal reveals he's cast actors to play Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle — 'This seems very similar to Star Wars.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'I thought you were a farmer.' / 'Never ever a farmer.' / 'I was a shepherd.' / 'A shepherd, not a farmer.'

Murray · Bret:'What about the wise old guy you had to find who taught you to fight your father?' / 'I think that's Star Wars.'

Murray:Murray's cast meeting — actors writing lines on each other's clothing because 'all professional actors do it'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Bret, you've got to remember to keep breathing the whole time. Yesterday's rehearsal you got worked up, stopped breathing and fainted.' / Bret: 'No I didn't.' / Murray: 'You were on the ground for five minutes.' / 'Yeah, about five minutes.' / 'I really got bored of that bit.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray's acting note to Jemaine: 'I've noticed your acting tends to be a bit boring. It's okay for the first minute, then I kind of drift off.'

Murray:Murray spots Malcolm and immediately abandons the cast meeting: 'Hey Malcolm! Have a good one tonight. You're my favorite actor.'

Murray:Murray hasn't given them their costumes — 'Hang on! You haven't got your costumes on! What are you wearing? Quickly, get your costumes on!'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Musical-within-musical: Murray's character appears to say 'We'll put on a musical!' as the musical solution within the musical

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Post-show: Doug plays harp and everyone cheers — 'Look at the harp player! It is manly.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray's post-show review: 'your acting was really good' / 'okay, you're still a bit boring'

Bret · Murray:'Is it a hit?' / 'Well, it depends how you define hit.' / 'Did people like it?' / 'No, I don't think it was that sort of hit.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'I've got lots of news — good news, got some... just a little bit of terrible news there...' / 'Well, let's start with the good news.' / 'Okay. Well, we did it.' / 'That's the good news?'

Murray:The 'illegal immigrants' song drew attention to their illegal status in front of embassy officials — 'It was a good number... but not great to perform in front of these people.'

Murray · Bret:'So overall great, yes, but also not great. So average?'

Murray:In addition to good news and terrible news, there is 'truly awful news' — the embassy officials want to see them

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Final scene: back in New Zealand as shepherds — 'Good shepherding today, guys!' / 'Thanks, Murray!'