Mugged

Jemaine:Tell her it is a bit dangerous.

Bret:Not all Americans have guns.

Jemaine:Tell her Dave's got a paintball gun.

Jemaine:Tell her about all the TV stations here, Bret.

Bret:Jemaine wants me to tell you there's a lot of TV stations.

How many?

Bret:I don't know. There's a lot. Yeah yeah, no. More than four.

Bret:Murray, I was wondering if you could call me by my rapping name?

Murray:Your rapping name?

Bret:Rhymenoceros.

Murray:Rhinoceros?

Bret:The Rhymenoceros.

Murray:Nah, well, that's not gonna fit in here. I've got 'Bret.' Can't you just have Bret as your rapping name?

Bret:No. It's not a rapping name.

Murray:It's a good rapping name. 'Hello, everybody, I am Bret.'

Murray:Look, if you're gonna have some sort of rap name, just be careful you don't do a drive-by.

Bret:I won't.

Murray:Well, you'd better not.

Murray:What about you, Jemaine? Have you got a rapping name?

Jemaine:Yeah, 'Hiphopopotamus,' but you can just call me Jemaine if you want.

Murray:I mean, you don't hear of professional musicians with long hair.

Bret:Well, Led Zeppelin?

Murray:I mean a man.

Jemaine:Most bands play at night.

Murray:It's too dangerous out there at night.

Jemaine:We go around walking around at night all the time.

Murray:Well, you know, anything could happen. You could get run over, pickpocketed, fall down a manhole, bump into people, murdered... imagine that... or even just ridiculed.

Bret:We've never been ridiculed.

Jemaine:No.

Murray:You haven't?

Bret:No.

Murray:Well, that's a surprise. I get ridiculed all the time.

Murray:Oh hey, ginger-balls.

Murray:You know?

Jemaine:That was Bret.

Jemaine:He called you that.

Murray:I thought that was your nickname?

Bret:No. I get, 'Oh, what are you on your way to... a dick meeting?'

Murray:You should wear these T-shirts with 'New York' on them. All right, just so you fit in. Here's a hat. Put this on, all right? 'Hey, I'm walkin' here!'

Murray:And these are the safety reflective belts. All right, they light up.

Jemaine:I'm not gonna wear that.

Murray:Yeah, you should.

Jemaine:No, I'm not wearing it.

Murray:Would you rather get murdered?

Mugger:You got a cigarette?

Bret:Sorry, we don't smoke.

Mugger:Oh, that's too bad. Because my man Mickey here wants a cigarette, so now you're gonna have to give him some money.

Mugger:Listen, you don't want to mess with him, because he's crazy, man, all right? He's a psycho-killer. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Bret:Well, I've got $15.

Mugger:Okay, hand it over.

Bret:No, but it's in the bank. We'd have to go to the bank to get it out.

Mugger:No, we don't have time to go to the bank, dipshit.

Bret:We might just have time.

Mugger:Why... why does the phone have a camera glued to it?

Bret:It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.

Mugger:Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?

Bret:I made it. It's homemade.

Mugger:Yeah, it's a piece of shit.

Bret:Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?

Bret:You can have it.

Mugger:No no, he doesn't want it.

Jemaine:You'd better be careful, because Bret knows karate.

Bret:Yeah, I got a book on karate. I haven't actually read it yet, but I've got...

Mugger:Shut up, you English faggots, and give me the bike!

Bret:You'd better watch out. You don't really know who you're dealing with.

Bret:I'm the mother-flippin' Rhymenoceros / My beats are phat and the birds are on my back and I'm horny

Bret:I was raised by a rapper and writer... they dated / And subsequently procreated

Jemaine:Flows, they glow like phosphorus / Poppin' off the top of the esophagus

Jemaine:I'm not a large water-dwelling mammal / Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis? / Did Steve tell you that, perchance?

Jemaine:My rhymes and records, they don't get played / Because my records and rhymes, they don't get made / And if you rap like me, you don't get paid / And if you roll like me, you don't get laid

Jemaine:My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment / I made all the ladies in the area pregnant

Jemaine:Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist / But you lovely bitches now should know I'm trying to correct this

Jemaine:Other rappers diss me / They say my rhymes are sissy / Why? / Why? / Why exactly? / What... why? / Be more constructive with your feedback / Please, why?

Jemaine:Why? 'Cause I rap about reality / Like me and my grandma drinking a cup of tea / There ain't no party like my nana's tea party

Mugger:You guys dancing a little bit?

Bret:No.

Bret:That's not a knife.

Jemaine:Yeah, that's a knife.

Bret:Oh, it is a knife.

Jemaine:Bret, my sleeve just... help me, my sleeve's just caught on the fence.

Bret:I'm too scared, man.

Jemaine:Bret, the corduroy's caught on the fence, Bret.

Bret:There was two of them.

Murray:Two? That's not a gang.

Bret:It was a two-man gang.

Murray:Two-man gang.

Murray:Can you have that, David?

Dave:Well that's a pretty small gang. I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.

Murray:You just left him there to fight them himself?

Bret:Well, I left him on the... he was on the fence.

Murray:Bret!

Bret:Well, I was... I was very scared.

Bret:He may be dead.

Murray:He maybe did what?

Bret:He may be dead.

Murray:I know, but what did he maybe do?

Bret:He may be dead.

Murray:Are you guys fucking with me?

Bret:What?

Murray:Not alive. You know... dead.

Bret:Oh. Oh.

Jemaine:I can't believe that he just ran off like that when the cops came and left me there.

Jemaine:You... kill people?

John:Maybe.

Jemaine:Why, you ever kill somebody?

John:Not really.

Jemaine:No?

John:Yeah, me neither.

Killed a monkey once.

Mmm. Uh-huh.

Don't tell anybody about that, okay? 'Cause I'm not proud of it.

Hey guys, remember that time he got his hand caught in that jar?

What a dick. I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar?

Bret:That was... that was actually me.

That was Bret.

Dave:Jemaine was the one who helped you out. And he helped you when you got your head stuck in the chair.

Bret:Remember?

Dave:Yeah. You were there for hours.

John:You know, I never understood a fucking word that guy said.

Bret:He did say 'what' a lot.

John:So I got to untie the guy, right? I got to apologize. He's bleeding all over the place, I got to help him. It was very awkward shit. I was very upset about it.

Bret:Yeah, one time we were supposed to go to the movies, and... uh, 'March of the Penguins.' And he... I had bought the tickets, and he didn't turn up. He texted me, said, 'I'm not coming.'

Bret:Yeah, one time we were supposed to go to the movies, and... uh, 'March of the Penguins.'

John:Oh, I love that movie.

Bret:And, he... I had bought the tickets, and he didn't turn up. He texted me, said, 'I'm not coming.'

John:Well, that's... that's not really the same thing, is it? I mean... I... I shot a guy, you know?

Bret:Yours is worse.

Police Officer:Kind of sounds like, 'What? What, what? Don't poot me in there weeth him. I'm innocent. I'm innocent'?

Bret:Yes, that's definitely him.

Murray:That's him.

It's a little bit more sort of South African.

Bret:'Cause I rented your half of the apartment out to Rueben?

Jemaine:Does he have to stay here still?

Bret:Well, he's paid two weeks' rent, 'cause I didn't think you were coming back.

Bret:I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you were gonna hassle me about it.

Jemaine:You shouldn't have done it anyway.

Bret:Hassling me.

Jemaine:I'm not hassling you.

Bret:You are hassling me.

Jemaine:Okay, David Hassle-hoff.

Murray:Did the cops try to strip search you?

Jemaine:No.

Murray:Did they find anything?

Jemaine:No, they didn't strip search me.

Murray:Oh, I... I thought you said they did.

Jemaine:No.

Murray:Well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a...

Jemaine:No. No no no.

Murray:Oh good, good. 'Cause if... if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth...

Murray:Being in jail just makes you seem so sexy. I guess it's the danger aspect. What are you gonna do to me? Do it! No, don't, don't.

Murray:It's like Bonnie and Clyde, you know. They would rob banks, and then they would do each other.

Murray:That's not a real gangster name.

Jemaine:What?

Murray:And Murray.

Jemaine:Well, I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have. Like John. There was another guy there... Ralph.

Bret:Um, Rhymenoceros. Rhymenoceros, yep. That's not a real gangster name.

Jemaine:What? And Murray. Well, I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have. Like John. There was another guy there... Ralph.

Bret:Well, you were only in there for two days, man.

Jemaine:Sorry, if I can't trust him on the streets, I can't trust him on the stage. I can't do another gig with him without going against everything I stand for.

Murray:Well, what if you actually had another gig?

Jemaine:Well, then I would.

Jemaine:But to be fair to Bret, John, you were one of those hoodlums mugging us, you know?

John:Yeah.

Jemaine:Yeah, that's true.

John:I guess I am somewhat to blame as well, huh?

Bret:At least I didn't kill a monkey.

John:Dawg.

Bret:Brought you a cup of tea, man.

Jemaine:No, thank you, Bret.

Bret:Please grab it, it's hot.

Jemaine:It's hot.

Bret:Deal with it yourself. That's what I've learned to do the hard way. Oh, ow ow ow... oh, fuck! Ow.

Bret:Hey, Jemaine, I'll see you later, maybe.

Jemaine:Bye, Bret.

Bret:If I live, that is, 'cause I might get killed.

Jemaine:Okay, let me know how that goes.

Jemaine:Yeah, I didn't really love that camera phone as much as you thought I loved it. In fact, I kind of think you ruined my phone when you made me that camera phone. And my camera.

Jemaine:I didn't really love that camera phone as much as you thought I loved it. In fact, I kind of think you ruined my phone when you made me that camera phone. And my camera.

Bret:There's children on the street using guns and knives / Taking drugs and each other's lives / Killing each other with knives and forks / Calling each other names like dork

Who's touching these monkeys?

Please leave these poor sick monkeys alone

Bret:There's people on the street getting diseases from monkeys

Yeah, that's what I said, they're getting diseases from monkeys

Bret:Now there's junkies with monkey disease

Who's touching these monkeys?

Bret:Why are we still paying so much for sneakers when they're made by little slave kids? What are your overheads?

Bret:Saw a man lying on the street half-dead with knives and forks sticking out of his leg

He said, 'Ah ah ah, ow ow ow ow ow ow

Can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please?'

'Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?'

John:Here are the photos... I got 'em developed. From the camera phone.

Bret:You guys had some really good times, huh?

John:I hope you don't mind, there's some of me in there. I had to finish out the roll.

Mickey:I just wish John was big enough to accept my apology, you know?

Bret:Well man, we're gonna get some pizza. Do you want to come and get a slice of pizza or something?

Mickey:Yeah? Really? Oh, I'd love to, man.

Mickey:Um, I'm going to a White Supremacist gig. It's gonna be awesome.

Bret:Oh yeah? Well, we'll probably just get the pizza.

John:Man, this whole week's been terrible. I haven't felt this bad since Cheeky died. Man, I miss that monkey.

Bret · Jemaine:Lyric: '# There's people on the street getting diseases from monkeys / Yeah, that's what I said, they're getting diseases from monkeys / Now there's junkies with monkey disease / Who's touching these monkeys? / P-lease leave these poor sick monkeys alone / They've got problems enough as it is #'

Bret · Jemaine:Lyric: '# Man is lying on the street, some punk's chopped off his head / I'm the only one who stops to see if he's dead / Mmm, turns out he's dead #'

Jemaine:Lyric: '# Good cops being framed / And put into a can / All the money that we're making / It's going to the Man / What man? Which man? Who's the man? / When's a man a man? What makes a man a man? / Am I a man? Yes / Technically, I am #'

Bret · Jemaine:Song lyric: 'Saw a man lying on the street half-dead / With knives and forks sticking out of his leg / He said, Ah ah ah, ow ow ow ow / Can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please? / Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?'

Bret · Jemaine:Lyric: '# Saw a man lying on the street half-dead / With knives and forks sticking out of his leg / He said, "Ah ah ah, ow ow ow ow ow ow / Can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please?" / "Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?" #'

Mugger 2 (Mickey) · Bret · Jemaine:Mickey (mugger) returns the camera phone with developed photos — including photos of himself on a roller coaster and 'me with a shopkeeper, pointing a gun. Actually, I should take that.'