Bret McKenzie

Bret · Jemaine:That was all of them? Well, triple figures. No, that's not triple figures, that's three.

Jemaine · Bret:Here though, I don't seem to get with any women. I just talk about getting with women. Yeah, but the ones you talk about are hot.

Bret:You don't just talk about it, man, you talk about it a lot.

Jemaine · Bret:Oh, right. We didn't need a map. We just live down there.

Bret:You look good, but you look like you're waiting.

Jemaine · Bret:SONG: 'Most Beautiful Girl (In the Room)' — opening verse: 'I can tell that you / Are the most beautiful girl in the... room / In the whole wide room'

Jemaine · Bret:And when you're on the street / Depending on the street / I bet you are definitely / In the top three / Good-looking girls on the street / Depending on the street

Jemaine · Bret:What is she doing / At my mate's place? / How did Dave get a hottie like that / To a party like his? / Good one, Dave / Ooh, you're a legend, Dave

Jemaine · Bret:I ask Dave if he's gonna make a move on you / He's not sure / I said 'Dave do you mind if I do?' / He says he doesn't mind / But I can tell he kind of minds / But I'm gonna do it anyway

Jemaine · Bret:You're so beautiful / You could be a waitress

Jemaine · Bret:You could be an air hostess in the '60s

Jemaine · Bret:You could be a part-time model

Jemaine · Bret:It's 12:02 / Just me and you / And seven other dudes / Around you on the dance floor

Jemaine · Bret:Let's get in a cab / I'll buy you a kebab / And I can't believe / That I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl / I have ever seen with a kebab

Jemaine · Bret:Why don't we leave? / Let's go to my house / We could feel each other up on my couch / Oh no, I don't mind / Taking it slo-o-ow

Jemaine · Bret:You're so beautiful / Like a tree / Or a high-class prostitute

Jemaine · Bret:You could be a part-time model / But you probably still have to keep your normal job / A part-time model / Spending part of your time modeling / And part of your time / Next to meeee...

Jemaine · Bret · Sally:That's just Bret. Turn the light off, Bret. / No no no. It's okay. Leave it on.

Bret:Did you... did you walk on the outside of her? Yes. I don't know then. I'm going to sleep.

Bret:Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.

Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room. Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Okay, guys, band meeting. Bret? Jemaine? Jemaine? Well, yeah, obviously. Here? Well, you're here? / I'm here, so why do I have to say that I'm here? / It's just so I've got it all written down, you know.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:So how was, uh, Dave's party? / Oh it was good. / Mmm, it wasn't that good. / You're both aware I wasn't invited?

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:What fan base? / The fan base of the band. / You mean Mel? / That's not a fan base, that's just a woman.

Murray · Bret:They liked it. They might play it in the lobby. / Okay, that's positive.

Mel · Bret:Hey, whoa. Crazy meeting you here, huh? / What, outside our house?

Bret · Jemaine:It was a beautiful cake. / Yeah, it was.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:And... action! / I don't think that's a proper camera, Murray. / Yeah, a mobile-phone camera. / I think it's mostly a phone.

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:What are these supposed to be? / Those are your function buttons for the robot. / They look like nipples. / Don't touch them!

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:It doesn't look like Daft Punk. We wanted ones like Daft Punk. I don't know who he is.

Bret · Jemaine:SONG: 'The Humans Are Dead' — 'It is the distant future, the year 2000 / We are robots'

Bret · Jemaine:We no longer say 'yes' / Instead we say 'affirmative' / Yes, affirmative / Unless it's a more colloquial situation / With a few robo-friends

Bret · Jemaine:There is only one kind of dance... the robot / And the robo-boogie / Oh yes / Two kinds of dances

Bret · Jemaine:We used poisonous gases / And we poisoned their asses

Bret · Jemaine:The humans are dead / He's right they are dead / The humans are dead / They look like they're dead / It had to be done / I'll just confirm they're dead / So that we could have fun / Affirmative, I poked one, it was dead.

Jemaine · Bret:It's just that I think she might be the one. / Sally? / Yeah. / What makes you think that? / You just know. When it happens to you, you'll know. / You said Michelle was the one. / Yeah, she's the one. / You said Claire was the one. / Yeah, she's another one.

Bret · Jemaine:So how many ones can you have? / Five. / How many have you had? / Three. / How many have you had? / Just one. Just one.

Jemaine · Bret:Do you think it would be okay if Sally and I had the apartment to ourselves tonight? / What for? / Some time alone. / Mmm, I was going to be working on my secret project. / Your helmet that looks like your hair?

Bret · Jemaine:- It pretty much looks like a helmet. - Right.

Bret:It's helmet-hair night, man, not really. I mean, I've been thinking about it for ages. It's on the board. You know about it. You said you were going to help actually.

Bret · Jemaine:How about you just maybe don't go out with Sally so I can hang out with you guys? / That'd be good.

Bret · Jemaine:No, it's going to be weird. / It won't be weird. / That is going to be weird. / It won't be weird. / It will be weird. / It won't be weird.

Jemaine · Bret:You know, it is actually a bit weird with you here, Bret. / Yeah, I should go. I'll go.

Bret:It's just feelings.

Sally · Bret:Actually, you know what, it's just like when Bret and I went out and you were always around. / I've ordered my main, I'll stay.

Bret:Um... I wouldn't have ordered the duck. / I spent all my money on the duck. / Would you be able to bring the duck home?

Mel · Bret:I never thought she was right for you anyway. / What didn't you like about Sally? / Well, I haven't actually met Sally.

Doug · Mel · Bret:Mel, can we go now? We've been here for 2½ hours. / Is that Doug? / That's Doug. Don't worry about him.

Mel · Bret:Have I shown you my picture of Jemaine's lips? / No. / I have it here in my wallet. Look. / Those are my cousins, and there... that's... that's Jemaine's lips.

Bret · Jemaine:Bret reveals the groceries he found were on the street — someone didn't want them

Bret · Jemaine:SONG: 'Inner City Pressure' — in its entirety as a comic set piece

Bret · Jemaine:'The manager, Bevan, starts to abuse me / Hey man, I just want some muesli'

Bret · Jemaine:'Check your mind, how'd it get so bad? / What happened to those other underpants you had?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray offers his last $50, immediately hedges 'Till Thursday, I mean,' then reveals he's owed money by the band's mousepad disaster

Bret · Jemaine · Eddie (boss):The sign-holding job interview: 'Sounds like something a lamppost could do'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine debates 'booties' vs. 'boobies' for the song lyric, concluding 'booties' makes him think of little woolen baby boots

Bret · Jemaine:Bret arrives late to band practice; Jemaine has designated his own 'free time' and 'leisure activities' — sitting in a chair, then light reading

Jemaine · Bret:Visual beat: Jemaine sitting in the chair doing nothing during his 'leisure activities' while Bret watches

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Murray holds an emergency band meeting on the public sidewalk where Bret is working — 'You're not working, you're just holding a sign'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The chicken-and-egg circular argument about gigs vs. jobs, culminating in Murray calling Bret 'a bad egg'

Bret · Murray:Bret's solution: 'I could just record my part on tape, I guess, and Jemaine could play along' — on a cassette

Eddie · Bret:Eddie promotes Bret from 'Jewelry Sale' to 'Men's Suits' to 'Phones' in rapid succession, treating sign assignments as a career ladder

Bret · Coco:Bret tells Coco 'I'm in a band' — she says 'Cool' with zero inflection, then immediately asks his name wrong ('Brit?')

Coco · Bret:'There's Vikings there, right?' — Coco about New Zealand

Bret:Bret's escalating description of Coco: 'She's so hot she's making me sexist'

Jemaine · Bret:SONG: 'Boom' — Jemaine's hip-hop song in which all sexual/exciting content is replaced with the word 'boom'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray debates firing Bret, Jemaine accidentally reveals the bluff ('He told me he was going to pretend to fire you if you were late'), then Murray declares 'I've turned around' and fires Bret for real

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Jemaine blows Murray's bluff immediately — 'He told me he was going to pretend to fire you if you were late'

Mel · Bret:Mel's consolation speech: 'You really know how to move that sign. You just manipulate it and caress it with your skillful hands.'

Bret:'The car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh, guys?' — Bret asks to be let out immediately

Bret · Jemaine:Bret has a Bluetooth earpiece that neither he nor Jemaine can identify or explain

Bret:Bret's 'I've grown up' speech: 'I've changed. I've grown up. I've got a job. I've got a career. I drink coffee now.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine's recruitment pitch: 'Free phones.' Bret immediately says yes.

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'You've given up the dream, Bret!' / Bret: 'I've woken up.'

Bret · Coco:Bret tells Coco he quit the band voluntarily and is now 'concentrating on signs' as 'bigger and better things'

Bret:Bret runs through the streets yelling 'I'm back in the band!' to strangers, culminating in 'Put the cat down. We can't afford it.'

Murray · Eddie · Bret · Jemaine:Eddie made the band a sign: 'FOTC' — 'OH, NO THAT ONE. THAT ONE.' — The sign reads 'Hot Dogs'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret · Brent:Murray and Jemaine jointly confirm they missed Bret — 'Both... we both missed you.' / 'No, a little bit.' / 'You could see that you were...' — then immediately cut to unceremoniously firing Brent

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Jemaine claims he didn't miss Bret — Murray and Bret both call him out — 'No, a little bit'

Bret · Jemaine:The entire opening phone call where Jemaine and Bret relay mundane information to their mom via each other rather than just talking directly to her

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine whispering 'Tell her it is a bit dangerous' while Bret is in mid-sentence reassuring his mom it's not dangerous

Bret:'More than four.' — Bret describing the number of TV stations in New York to his amazed mother

Bret · Jemaine:After an elaborate phone call full of secondhand relaying — 'Who was that?' 'It's Mom. She's good.'

Bret · Murray:Bret asking Murray to call him by his rapping name 'Rhymenoceros'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Item one, haircut. Bret.' / 'Well, get it cut. I mean, you don't hear of professional musicians with long hair.' / 'Well, Led Zeppelin?' / 'I mean a man.'

Bret:Bret: 'Yours is pretty long, Murray.'

Bret · Murray:Bret: 'What do you mean, another gig?' / Murray: 'Remember the other one?' / Bret: 'Vaguely.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Well, that's a surprise. I get ridiculed all the time. Oh hey, ginger-balls. You know? That was Bret. He called you that.'

Bret · Murray:Bret refusing the reflective safety belt: 'I'm not gonna wear that.' / Murray: 'Would you rather get murdered?'

Bret · Jemaine · John · Mickey:The mugging begins in medias res — the muggers are mid-story about someone getting stuck in a hole, then demand cigarettes, and pivot to robbery almost as an afterthought

Bret · John:Bret: 'Well, I've got $15.' / John: 'Okay, hand it over.' / Bret: 'No, but it's in the bank. We'd have to go to the bank to get it out.'

John · Bret:John: 'We don't have time to go to the bank, dipshit.' / Bret: 'We might just have time.'

John · Bret · Jemaine:John examining the homemade camera phone: 'Why... why does the phone have a camera glued to it?' / Bret: 'It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.' / John: '...it's a piece of shit.' / Bret: 'Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?'

John · Bret:John deciding to keep the homemade camera phone: 'Yeah, I'll keep it. It's kind of interesting.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Because Bret knows karate.' / Bret: 'Yeah, I got a book on karate. I haven't actually read it yet, but I've got...'

Bret · Jemaine:The Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros rap song begins — Bret and Jemaine respond to a knife-point mugging by performing an elaborate hip-hop number

Bret:# I'm the mother-flippin' Rhymenoceros / My beats are phat and the birds are on my back and I'm horny / I'm horny #

Bret:# I was raised by a rapper and writer... they dated / And subsequently procreated #

Bret · Jemaine:# Other rappers diss me / They say my rhymes are sissy / Why? / Why? / Why exactly? / What... why? / Be more constructive with your feedback / Please, why? #

John · Bret:After the song ends: 'You guys dancing a little bit?' / 'No.' / 'I told you to give us the bikes, you didn't listen, so now this is happening.'

Bret · Jemaine · Mickey:Mickey reveals his knife — 'That's not a knife' / 'Yeah, that's a knife' / 'Oh, it is a knife'

Jemaine · Bret:Mid-chase: 'Uh, Bret, my sleeve just... help me, my sleeve's just caught on the fence.' / 'I'm too scared, man.' / 'Bret, the corduroy's caught on the fence, Bret.'

Bret · Dave · Murray:Bret: 'There was two of them.' / Dave: 'Two? That's not a gang.' / Bret: 'It was a two-man gang.' / Dave: 'I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.'

Murray · Bret · Dave:Murray: 'He may be dead.' / Bret: 'He maybe did what?' / Murray: 'He may be dead.' / Bret: 'I know, but what did he maybe do?' — repeated three times

Bret · Dave:Bret talking head: 'That kind of thing, it defines character.' / [pause] / 'Yeah.' / 'Son of a bitch.' / 'Yeah, you know, 'cause you were deserted too.'

Dave · Bret · Murray:Dave: 'Hey guys, remember that time he got his hand caught in that jar? What a dick. I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar? What a big fucking asshole he was.' / 'That was actually me.' / 'That was Bret, David.'

Dave · Murray · Bret:Dave: 'Hey, what was that one thing he used to say? That always cracked me up. He'd be like... What? What? What?' / 'I never understood a fucking word that guy said.' / 'He did say what a lot.'

Police Officer · Murray · Bret:Police officer doing Jemaine's accent: 'Don't poot me in there weeth him. I'm innocent. I'm innocent.' / Murray: 'Yes, that's definitely him.' / Bret: 'It's a little bit more sort of South African.'

Bret:Bret: 'Is she gonna bring the body out here?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you were gonna hassle me about it.' / Jemaine: 'You shouldn't have done it anyway.' / Bret: 'Hassling me.' / Jemaine: 'I'm not hassling you...' / Bret: 'Hassling me.' / Jemaine: 'Height of rudeness.' / Bret: 'Okay, David Hassle-hoff.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret tries to apologize with hot tea → burns himself badly → Jemaine: 'I guess we're even then.'

Bret · Mickey:Bret going to retrieve the camera phone from the mugger by approaching Mickey directly and identifying himself: 'Yeah yeah. The one that ran away.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's dramatic farewell: 'If I die, I want you to tell my mom.' / Jemaine: 'Okay. Well, write... write down her address.' / Bret: 'Okay.' [starts writing] / Jemaine: 'Well, just phone... you can just phone her and tell her.' / Bret: 'Oh, okay, I'll just phone her.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'You don't need to go and do that.' / Bret: 'Yes, I do.' / Jemaine: 'No, you don't.' / Bret: 'Well, you loved that thing.' / Jemaine: 'Yeah, I didn't really love that camera phone as much as you thought I loved it. In fact, I kind of think you ruined my phone when you made me that camera phone. And my camera.'

Bret · Jemaine:The 'Inner City Pressure' song begins.

Bret · Jemaine:Lyric: '# There's people on the street getting diseases from monkeys / Yeah, that's what I said, they're getting diseases from monkeys / Now there's junkies with monkey disease / Who's touching these monkeys? / P-lease leave these poor sick monkeys alone / They've got problems enough as it is #'

Bret · Jemaine:Lyric: '# Man is lying on the street, some punk's chopped off his head / I'm the only one who stops to see if he's dead / Mmm, turns out he's dead #'

Bret · Jemaine:Song lyric: 'Saw a man lying on the street half-dead / With knives and forks sticking out of his leg / He said, Ah ah ah, ow ow ow ow / Can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please? / Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?'

Bret · Jemaine:Lyric: '# Saw a man lying on the street half-dead / With knives and forks sticking out of his leg / He said, "Ah ah ah, ow ow ow ow ow ow / Can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please?" / "Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?" #'

Mugger 2 (Mickey) · Bret · Jemaine:Mickey (mugger) returns the camera phone with developed photos — including photos of himself on a roller coaster and 'me with a shopkeeper, pointing a gun. Actually, I should take that.'

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, Murray. Nice shorts.

Bret:It should be called the 'boring buildings tour.' — Because it's boring.

Murray · Bret:There's a real buzz about it. Everyone's talking about these tours. — Bret, you were talking about it last week. — I was saying it's boring. — Oh, were you? Well, you were still talking about it.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Bye, Murray. — Bye. You gonna say 'bye'? — No!

Bret · Coco:The carrots were really nice. And the broccoli was really nice as well. Yeah. It did turn out really nice. Yeah, really nice. It was really nice. Yeah, it was really nice.

Bret:Like your eyes... I could look at them for ages. The eggs were really nice like your lips. So... your lips look delicious like... as delicious as the eggs. Probably more delicious.

Bret · Coco:Do... do you want to kiss me? — Oh yes, please.

Jemaine · Bret:Are we gonna watch a DVD or what? — I think it might be a bit late for a DVD, man.

Jemaine · Bret · Coco:No, well, we should probably get home. / Well, maybe I'll stay a little bit longer. / Yeah, sure. / Do you wanna... you could stay over if... if you want? / No, I don't want to stay over. / No, we should get going. / I don't know... why don't I stay and you go?

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine, I've written this love song for Coco... It's good, it's good.

Bret:The love song itself: 'I'd climb the highest mountain / I'd swim the deepest ocean / I'd walk along the longest path... I'd solve the hardest puzzle / And read the boringest book / I'd hold the hottest substance / race the fastest animal / Eat the biggest meal'

Jemaine · Bret:It's a bit long. — Okay. — It's two hours long.

Jemaine · Bret:'I'd climb the highest mountain.' — Would you actually do that? — Probably not.

Jemaine · Bret:Well, you're sort of promising that you would. — That's a metaphor. — Oh, is it? Oh okay. — Yeah. — What's it a metaphor for? — For... that I'd do anything for her. — Would you climb the highest mountain for her? — Oh God. I see.

Jemaine · Bret:No. Pass me that? No, I wouldn't do a lot of this stuff. Would you swallow a whole sword? A sword... okay, I probably wouldn't do that one either.

Jemaine · Bret:Maybe you should make it more realistic things you'd do... Like what? Uh, 'I would hang out with you.' — Oh, that's good. That's really... — That's not bad. — That's a lyric of mine. You can use that.

Jemaine · Bret:What do you know that's specific to Coco? — She has a rash that she doesn't tell anyone about. — What... what else? — She likes food. — Yeah, okay. — Her flatmate is called Stuart. — Yeah. This is all good stuff.

Bret · Jemaine:The 'If You're Into It' song — the entire performance

Coco · Bret · Jemaine:Thank you. That was great. — Thank you too, Jemaine. — Oh, it was no problem.

Coco · Bret · Jemaine:So, what are we gonna do now? — Well, we were gonna go cycling. — Yeah. — Oh, were we? — Oh, great.

Jemaine · Bret:Yeah, actually, I was gonna say... I was thinking that maybe... / I've been thinking, you know, they're a bit... / they're a bit girlie. — Well, Coco's a girl. — Yeah, but I'm not, though. It's not just you and her going on these dates, I'm there too.

Jemaine · Bret:Maybe... — Or we could go to a strip bar? — She doesn't like... she doesn't want to go to a strip bar again. — I was actually wondering... — We could go to just a topless bar.

Bret · Jemaine:And Coco said that the other night when I went to the bathroom that she felt like you... like made a move on her. — Yep. Yep, guilty, I did. — But you weren't doing anything, so I thought...

Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, but that's 'cause you were there. — Oh, so are you. — You're always there. I always see you there. — Yeah, I'm always there, but she's my girlfriend.

Jemaine · Bret:Hey, Bret, is, um... is Coco into art? — Yeah. Why? — Uh, no reason.

Jemaine · Bret:# Black-haired lady queen / Dabbling in art / I won't let the she-wolf / Tear us apart, because I... — What's that song? — Nothing, just a new song called 'She-wolf.'

Murray · Bret:All I'm saying, Bret, is it could bring unnecessary tension to the band's dynamic. Like this pencil... look. / Jeez, that is a... / That's it... that's your band. Broken.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine's nodding in approval. / By the way, how is Coco? — She's great. We're really in love. — Yeah? — It's... yeah, it's awesome. — She seems really nice. — Yeah, she's amazing. — Hold onto her. Okay? / It's a rare thing, what you've got there.

Coco · Bret · Jemaine:Hi, I'm not disturbing you guys, am I? — Hey, Coco. — No, come in. — We're busy at the moment actually.

Coco · Bret · Jemaine:Oh, okay. I just popped in to bring you some lunch. — Oh good. — Favoritism.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray · Coco:Coco presents a professional band poster she made. / Whoa, that's awesome. — Well, it's really arty. — It's cool. — We've already got a poster that I did. / Oh, okay. Oh, that's... that's all right. / That's cool. That's great, it's... it's better.

Jemaine · Bret · Coco · Murray:No, it wasn't a real cough. I said 'Yoko.' — Yeah, I thought so. — Oh, I should go. — Why did you say that? 'Cause she's nothing like Yoko. — Oh-no, she isn't. — Jemaine, you're putting 'oh no' together to sound like 'Ono.' — Oh-no, I didn't. — You did it again. — Oh-no, did I? — Did you pick that up? — He's doing it.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:I'll throw this sandwich in your face if you say that again. — Bret, don't you dare. Not in my office. / A sandwich hit my face. — Yeah, well, I said I'd throw a sandwich at your face.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I've never seen such bad behavior at one of my meetings! — Don't be such a... a dickhead. — Yeah well, I'm quitting this band. — Yeah. — Well, you quit last week. — Yeah well, I'm quitting again. — Don't be a quitter! You can't! — Yeah, you quitter.

Bret:Dear Jemaine, by the time you read this, I will be far far away at Coco's house and I will no longer be residing... / and that is just one of the reasons why I'm moving out. You didn't seem to understand that... / And the most important thing for me to say is that... / Do you remember the time that seagull... / Yours sincerely, Bret.

Bret · Jemaine:The 'Tape of Love' / 'Inner City Pressure' style song — full performance including 'Lives are like retractable pencils / If you push 'em too hard, they're gonna break / And people are like paper dolls / Paper dolls and people, they're a similar shape'

Bret · Jemaine:'Love is like a roll of tape / It's real good for making two things one / But just like that roll of tape / Love sometimes breaks off before you are done'

Jemaine · Bret:What are you doing here? — Murray and I miss you and we want you to rejoin the band again. / Really? — Yeah. On one condition. / That you... — I'm not gonna kill her, man.

Jemaine · Bret:No, just leave... just leave her, not... — Oh no, I'm not gonna leave her.

Coco · Bret:I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want. — Shush, baby.

Jemaine · Bret:So what's it gonna be, Bret? The girl or the band? — Well, it's gonna be Coco. — Oh. Are you sure? — Yeah. — Oh, I thought you... / I was sure you were gonna say the band. — No, I'm staying with Coco.

Jemaine · Bret:I guess you can still be in the band. — Okay. Great. — Okay. — Cool. — Okay, well I'll see you later. — I'll see you at band practice.

Bret:Actually, I'm gonna wait till the bus stops, and then I'll get off.

Bret · Jemaine:You know, Jemaine, I've been thinking about love, / and I guess it's the very strongest adhesive. / Oh, sorry, Bret, were you talking to me? I was humming. / What did you say? — Oh, doesn't matter.

Jemaine · Bret · Girl:Tickle tickle tickle! / Hey Bret, how come you don't tickle me anymore?

Bret · Jemaine · Girl:Yeah. What are you up to today, Jemaine? / Uh, I don't know. Actually I'm really bored. / Come on, man, you got to get out of here. / I'm trying to get onto first base.

Jemaine · Bret · Girl:I'm not even ticklish. / Aren't you? / No, I'm faking it. / Really? / Yeah she's faking it as well, I think.

Jemaine · Bret:Business Time — the full song

Bret · Jemaine:Is it because of the towel? / What towel? / Because I used your towel and I got athlete's foot.

Bret:Is it my mold farm? / Is it aspergillus fumigatus?

Bret:When we were at school and you said you got a hickey from Judy Bailey, I told everyone it was the vacuum cleaner.

Jemaine · Bret:Well, it's not exactly the same size as a vacuum cleaner tube... / It's not that, it's not that.

Bret:Is it something psychological? Because I put you down in front of other people? / He wouldn't know, because he's got no idea.

Bret:Is it because sometimes I'll sneak in when you're sleeping and give you a little kiss on the cheek?

Bret · Jemaine:Is it because I ask too many questions? / No. / Was it something subtle? / Yes it's subtle, Bret.

Bret · Jemaine:Is it because I eat too loudly? / Yes. / It is? / Yeah. / I knew it.

Jemaine · Bret:You eat too loudly. It's deafening. / It's not that loud. / It's so deafening. / Well, I eat with my mouth shut. / I don't know how you do it.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine. / Present. / Bret! / Yeah. / And Murray. / Yes, present, thank you. / I'm always here anyway. / I don't know why I bothered with my line.

Bret · Murray:What about a planet of, um, diamonds and rubies? / No. / Well, it would be nice. / A lot of things would be nice, Bret, particularly if they were real.

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:It's because I eat too loud. / Really? / You eat too loud, Bret? / Well, I didn't notice. / Here, eat this.

Jemaine · Bret · Mel:Hey, Mel. / Hey. / What are you doing here? / I was walking my dog. / ... / Yeah, where's your dog?

Jemaine · Bret:Is this it? / Mm-hmm. / No number on the door. / Don't need one.

Bret · Jemaine:It's not a room, it's a cupboard. / It's not a cupboard. / It's a cleaning cupboard. / Is it... what's... is that cleaning products? / Yeah, I don't know what they're doing here.

Jemaine · Bret:I'm going on a date. / Oh, okay. Bachelor life now, eh? / Watch out, ladies. / Who with? / No one. / No one. That's not a date. That's just going out.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Bret went out with her. She broke your heart and yours as well. / Anyway, I thought you said Sally was shallow. / Oh, she's not shallow. / She is shallow. / But she's really hot. / She's the hottest girl I've ever touched. / Ever seen. / Well, she was the hottest girl I'd ever seen, but then I touched her.

Jemaine · Sally · Bret:Hey, is that Bret? / No, I don't think so. / Well, he's waving at us. / It looks like him, but I don't think it's him. / Jemaine, Sally! / No, that's not him. / It's me, Bret. / Maybe it is him. / He's coming over here. / Is he? / It's definitely him. / Hey, guys.

Sally · Bret · Jemaine:Do you want to get Coco? / Sorry? / Coco, your girlfriend... you want to get her? / Oh, yeah yeah yeah. / Hey, Coco, do you want to sit over here?

Bret · Sally:I made you this for your birthday. / Aw. / It's a butterfly. / I sat on it in the subway. / Oh, you shouldn't have. / But I also got you some glue. / Oh. / And that's... that's multipurpose. / You can use... use that around the house.

Sally · Jemaine · Bret:Hey, did you see this amazing painting Bret made me? / A painting? / See, that's me, and that's some really weird kind of wolf. / Well, it's difficult to draw a wolf, so I used a picture of myself and then adjusted it.

Bret · Sally:Is it Mark's birthday as well? / No! / I got engaged. Mark and I are getting married.

Bret · Sally:Who's Mark? / Mark, he was my boyfriend and then we broke up and now he's my fiancé. / He bought me a BMW.

Sally · Mark · Bret:Pick up Bret. / No, I can't... / Just lift him up. He's little, he's like a pixie. Come on. / Brettie, aye, ohh yes! / Isn't he strong?

Mark · Bret:What's that? / Oh, that's a broken butterfly.

Bret · Jemaine:Sally, I Love You — the full song (both characters singing simultaneously at a party)

Jemaine · Bret:# The only thing stopping you from being with me / Is that you don't want to be with me / It's the same with me, except with me #

Jemaine · Bret:# Yeah yeah, she gets it... Stop cockblocking me #

Bret:# Sally, I co-wrote this song to tell you / How much I love you / It's quite a lot, actually / Well, he's basically said just the same thing / I think he's been looking over at my bit of paper / Except for the girlfriend bit #

Jemaine · Bret:# Bret's got a girlfriend / Yeah, but Sally and me, we were meant to be / Bret, you got a girlfriend / Yeah, well, I'd break it off with her if I knew / Sally wanted to be with me / Well just so you know, Sally, unlike Bret / I'm available immediately #

Bret · Jemaine:Oh, Coco told me to tell you you're dumped.

Bret · Jemaine:She said you're emotionally immature / She said you'd say that and she said to say it is true and you know it. / Oh, but, I mean... / No buts, she said to say.

Bret · Jemaine:She said you'd say that and she said to say / it is true and you know it. / Oh, but, I mean... / No buts, she said to say. / Well, did she say we could talk about it? / She said we are talking about it. / Well, we're not though are we? / Well, no. / I don't know what she meant by that.

Bret · Murray:Bret refuses roll call by saying 'No' and 'I'm not here' while visibly sitting in the meeting

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray reveals he has held band meetings without the band present and marked them 'absent'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The band photo turns out to be of Gemma's 21st birthday with neither Bret nor Jemaine in it, and Murray has circled their cousins

Bret · Jemaine:'I think I took this photo.' / 'Yeah, I took it.' — Bret realizes neither band member is in their own promo photo because Bret was the photographer

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:The second photo: Murray has superimposed Bret's head over Jemaine's ex-girlfriend Clea's head on a personal photo — and Murray made it himself

Murray · Bret:The photo shoot is happening in the New Zealand consulate hallway with a passport camera that only Greg is allowed to touch — even Murray can't touch it

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray insists musicians smile and put their hands in the air, confusing this with what gymnasts do

Jemaine · Bret:Bret trying to fill conversational silence by bringing up penguins, then abandoning the subject — 'Bret, I'm kind of doing all the work in this conversation.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine repeatedly suggests Bret is bulimic when Bret says he just feels like he needs to eat more

Jemaine · Bret:Bret asks for compliments; Jemaine refuses because 'it'd be weird,' then immediately agrees it'd be weird

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine appears as 1972 David Bowie from the Ziggy Stardust tour in Bret's dream

Bret · Jemaine:'Wow, you look a lot like Jemaine.' / 'No, I'm David Bowie.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret interrupts David Bowie's dream-vision to describe his own previous guinea pig and giraffe dreams at length

Jemaine · Bret:David Bowie's advice: 'Get an eye patch, man.' / 'I'm sorry?' / 'Get an eye patch.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Watch out for the table!' / 'Sorry about the table, Bret.' — Bowie exits by walking into furniture

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Bret arrives wearing an eye patch to the meeting about the magazine feature

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray outs Bret as bulimic in the middle of the pitch meeting setup — 'Bret's bulimic.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine attempts compliments: 'Your beard is good.' / 'It's just a compliment for you... your beard.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Would it be gay to write you a song to cheer you up?' / 'No.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Bret, You Got It Going On' — the full song, particularly the 'not in a gay way' verse and the revelation that Jemaine put a wig on Bret while he slept on tour

Bret:Bret asks to look at the lyrics after the song

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine denies having said anything about a wig despite it being in the song he literally just performed

Jemaine · Bret:Second dream: 1980 Bowie from 'Ashes to Ashes' video appears — Jemaine in a different Bowie-era costume

Bret · Jemaine:Bret asks Bowie if a friend putting a wig on you while lonely and pretending you're a woman is gay

Jemaine · Bret:Bowie's second piece of advice: 'It doesn't hurt to do something absolutely outrageous.' / 'Like what?' / 'Well, you'll know what to do, Bret. And you'll know exactly when the time is right.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel's compliment session for Bret: 'Hotter than Jemaine.' / 'You have a refined bone structure whereas Jemaine's facial features are too deep-set to be classically handsome.' / 'You're a better singer too. Yeah, Jemaine's often flat.'

Jemaine · Bret:After Mel leaves, Jemaine says 'What's her problem?' — completely unaware that he engineered the whole thing

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine worriedly asks if his facial features are too deep-set to be classically handsome; Bret says 'I've got no idea'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · David Armstrong:The meeting with the greeting card company — Murray explaining what a greeting card with music is to the executive who makes them

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · Mr. Armstrong:Mr. Armstrong patiently explains three times how musical greeting card chips work — each time Bret/Jemaine compare it to something wrong (CD, headphones, Walkman)

Murray · Bret:Murray describing Bret to the executive: 'You're the smaller one... you're into animals... you were bulimic recently... little touch of that... it's cleared up.'

Murray · Bret:'Were there supposed to be lightning bolts on the side of it?' / 'Yeah, looked pretty good, eh?'

Bret · Murray:'David Bowie told me to do it in a dream.' / 'Oh yeah, right, Bret. David Bowie in a dream.'

Jemaine · Bret:Third dream: 1986 Bowie from 'Labyrinth' — Jemaine now in a third distinct Bowie costume

Jemaine · Bret:'So you showed your penis to the man from the greeting-card company?' / 'That was your idea.' / 'I didn't mean something like that.'

Bret:'I was wearing makeup. I had lightning bolts on my wanger.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Jemaine actually thinks that maybe you're a figment of my imagination.' / 'I might as well be, Bret. I might as well be.'

Jemaine · Bret:'I'm going to a party.' / 'Sounds cool. Where's the party?' / 'In space, Bret. In space.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Bowie's in Space' — the full closing song, particularly 'Does the space cold make your nipples go pointy, Bowie?' and 'Do you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antennae to transmit data back to Earth?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Do you smoke grass out in space, Bowie? / Or do they smoke... AstroTurf?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Drawn in by its groovatational pull' and 'I'm jamming out with the Mick Jaggernauts'

Bret · Jemaine:Episode coda: Bret concludes that if dream-Bowie lacks confidence, 'maybe most people aren't that confident... I'm not gonna worry about being confident.' Jemaine: 'Yeah, we don't need to worry about being confident.' Then: 'But it's not really him though. It's a dream.'

Bret:Bret says 'I'm not eating anymore. I'm a bit too fat.' — immediately after claiming his body image issues are resolved

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's 'guess what's in my hand' game: guesses are 'a biscuit' and 'another kind of biscuit' and 'a really big biscuit'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The greeting card deal: half a million cards speculated, but only 50 are being made. 'We've got 50¢, so how much are your coffees?' / '60¢.' — they can't afford coffee

Fruit Vendor · Jemaine · Bret:The fruit vendor refuses to serve Jemaine and Bret specifically because they are from New Zealand, treating it as a serious racial grievance

Murray · Bret:'Something from your mom... I don't know what it is. It seems empty.' — Murray presents Bret's package as potentially empty

Bret:'Oh, great. This is my favorite box.' — Bret's response to receiving what appears to be an empty box from his mom

Bret · Murray:Bret's DVD from home is actually a VHS tape; Murray corrects him and Bret says 'Dubbed video dub'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:'I moved in with you guys for a month. I was upset, remember?' — Murray reveals his separation from his wife, which Jemaine and Bret had completely failed to understand at the time

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'You talked me down off the roof.' — Murray reveals he was on a roof during his breakdown; Bret and Jemaine slowly, unconvincingly remember

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine and Bret debate whether the fruit vendor was 'racist' or just 'a little bit rude'

Jemaine · Bret:SONG: 'Albi the Racist Dragon' — an apparently sincere children's TV show song about a dragon who is racist

Bret · Jemaine:'Albi the Racist Dragon' song/story — opening: children's TV show framing with dragon who is explicitly racist

Narrator · Jemaine · Bret:Song ends: '# Albi, the Racist... #' pause '# ...Dragon #' with rider 'Well, not anymore.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine and Bret are visibly crying at 'Albi the Racist Dragon' — a children's cartoon about a racist dragon

Bret · Jemaine:Reaction shot: Bret is crying at Albi the Racist Dragon. 'Are you crying over the kids' show?' / 'Yes. So?'

Jemaine · Bret · Bus Driver:Jemaine and Bret are directed to the back of a bus by a driver — a direct visual parody of Rosa Parks-style segregation, applied to New Zealanders

New Vendor · Bret · Jemaine:'You can buy apples from over there... my special New Zealand section.' / 'There's a dog in the New Zealand section.' / 'Well, it's for dogs from America and people from New Zealand.'

Jemaine · New Vendor · Bret:'Yeah, you're being racist.' / 'How dare you call me a racist!' / 'He doesn't mean racist. He means xenophobic.' / 'Oh. Well, you're being xenophobic.'

Jemaine · New Vendor · Bret:'Are you counting in your head?' 'Yeah.' 'What are you up to?' 'Seven.' 'Oh.'

Jemaine · Bret:SONG: 'Too Many Motherf**kers' — Jemaine raps an explicit hip-hop song about bureaucratic frustration (bank fees) and fruit-stand racism, with bleeped profanity

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:'We're in the middle of a race war, Murray.' / 'What's that?' / 'Bad. We're in the middle of a race war.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:'We've been too busy with the race war.' / 'We're in a race war.' / 'All right!' — Murray's excited response

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'We've been too busy with the race war.' / 'We're in a race war.' / 'All right!' / 'It's very time consuming.'

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:'Have you thought about adding some more words?' / 'I don't know. I don't want to make it too convoluted.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's notes on Jessica: 'She's got great legs... great hair... smokin' hot. Whew.' — Jemaine and Bret react with increasing enthusiasm

Jemaine · Bret · Dave:'Sometimes what I do is I think mean thoughts about the person.' / 'How do they know?' / 'They don't know. I know, that's why I didn't suggest it.'

Bret:'Banana balls! / You look like a... a something... like a banana balls.' — Bret's attempted comeback

Dave · Jemaine · Bret:'Flip him the bird' — Dave's instruction; neither Jemaine nor Bret know what 'the bird' is

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's 'bird': he extends the wrong finger and says 'Well, that bird doesn't have any wings. It's only got one leg.'

Dave · Bret:Bret practices the bird with Dave coaching him through it with timing: 'Around, and up. Good, Bret. Around and up.' — one minute 32 seconds to learn

Jemaine · Bret:'No, you're thinking of Australians.' — the revelation that the vendor has been confusing New Zealanders with Australians the whole time

Fruit Vendor · Bret · Jemaine:The vendor apologizes and gives them free fruit; they're suddenly best friends with Sinjay the vendor after the entire episode's conflict

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:SONG: 'Leggy Blonde' — Murray's full love song for Jessica, incorporating the budgie, the pie, and the thong lyrics as a complete musical number after she's gone

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'# I had a budgie but it died #' — appears mid-song in 'Leggy Blonde'

Jemaine · Bret:Finale: Jemaine's 'thong thong thong / panties on' verse from the earlier workplace meeting is incorporated into the full 'Leggy Blonde' song as the closing verse

Bret:Bret's pre-emptive excuse to avoid a coffee shop: 'I don't like croissants'

Bret · Jemaine:The looping 'What are you talking about?' exchange where neither character can follow the other's logic

Bret · Jemaine:The wingman coaching goes immediately wrong: 'Yes, that's true, he would.' / 'He's very popular.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray observes the two women chatting: 'They're having a nice conversation.' / 'Do you like having nice conversations?' / 'No. Nope.'

Jemaine · Bret:The girlfriend mix-up: 'I was talking to Lisa... I ended up talking to Felicia, when I should be talking to Lisa.' / 'You ARE talking to Lisa.' / '...Right, well that's obviously what's happened. We should swap.'

Jemaine · Felicia · Bret:'Oh look, Bret's feeling Felicia's breast.' / 'I'm Felicia. That's Lisa.' / 'Feeling Lisa's breast then, probably.' / 'Yeah.' / 'That must be nice for her.'

Bret · Jemaine · Lisa · Felicia:Bret tries to leave the date early, gets overruled by his own date and then misidentifies her

Bret · Felicia:Bret calls Felicia 'Lisa' while complimenting her suggestion; she corrects him — 'That's Lisa, I'm Felicia'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray shares his own romantic history unprompted: 'I've told you about how far I've been with Shelly, last Christmas Eve.' / 'Yeah, I don't want to hear that again.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret worries about seeming easy: 'I don't want her to think that I'm easy.' / Jemaine: 'You want her to think you're more difficult?'

Bret:'Do you think I dress too provocatively?'

Bret · Jemaine · Lisa:Bret asks to come up for tea; Lisa says it's a small flat; Bret asks Jemaine 'How long do you wait before letting a girl come upstairs?' / Jemaine: 'Three years.'

Bret:'What... what do you think I am, dangerous?' (Bret, after Lisa reacts to the three-year rule with 'Oh, you're serious.')

Bret · Lisa:Lisa's cab excuse: 'I can't get a cab to Brooklyn this time of night.' / Bret: 'Uh, I could give you directions to the F train.' / Lisa: 'That's a really dangerous stop. I've heard there's maniacs down there.' / Bret: 'Maniacs?'

Bret · Lisa:The sleeping arrangements negotiation: 'I'll sleep on the couch and you can sleep on my bed.' / 'I'll be in your bed.' / 'Okay.'

Bret · Lisa:The negotiation over couch vs. bed: 'I'll be in your bed. / Okay. / Okay. / Good night. / Good night.' — followed by Bret promptly appearing in her bedroom.

Lisa · Bret:Lisa sneaks up to Bret at night: 'Could I just sleep next to you? I promise I won't do anything.' / 'No.' / 'Come on, just give me a little sugar.' / 'Definitely no sugar.'

Bret:THE 'A KISS IS NOT A CONTRACT' SONG — full musical number

Bret:'Just because I'm in a two-man novelty band / Doesn't mean it's all about poontang'

Bret:'They call it a fly because it takes you up to heaven'

Bret · Jemaine:'I'm only one man' / 'We're only two men, ladies'

Bret · Jemaine:'Well, it turns out she's very aggressive.' / 'Did she hit you?' / 'No, she wanted to go all the way.' / 'Mmm.' / 'I thought you already did go all the way.' / 'No, now she wants to have sex.'

Jemaine · Bret:'What gave you that impression?' / 'She jumped on top of me and then touched me on the penis.' / 'Oh I see. You're lying.'

Bret · Jemaine:'It's like that scene from Top Gun. You know your favorite scene in Top Gun?' / 'I don't know that movie.' / 'Yeah, it's your favorite scene.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Well, I just said I'm not ready to have sex.' / 'And that worked?' / 'No, that didn't work at all, 'cause then she wanted to have sex.' / 'Oh. It worked then, good.'

Bret · Dave:'Hey, Dave, can I ask you a question about women's sexuality?' / 'Sure, you came to the right place for that.'

Bret:Bret's romantic ideal: 'It would be flowers, violins, I'd be in a nice suit. Everything would just be perfect.'

Lisa · Bret:Lisa invents a fake medical condition: 'If a girl gets aroused and doesn't climax, she can really damage herself.' / 'I didn't know that.' / 'It's kinda common knowledge.'

Lisa · Bret:'Tomorrow, Bret, I ship out to Iraq.' / 'Iraq?' / 'Yeah, I'm in Delta Force, Bret.' / 'You're in Delta Force?' / 'I gotta take one for my country, so the least you could do is take one from you.'

Lisa · Bret:Visible struggle/wrestling as Lisa apparently forces Bret to have sex — inferred from 'Okay, move. / You can move a little more. / Come on.'

Bret:'Um, Lisa? Could I go home now?'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine is in the shower when Bret enters crying; Jemaine: 'Could you please get out of here? I'm having a shower.' / 'Okay. I was in here first. You come in here with your clothes on, crying.'

Bret:'It was over in five minutes. I mean, she fell asleep.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?' / 'I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.' / 'What?' / 'Yeah, Iraq.'

Jemaine · Bret:'But she works in the croissant shop.' / 'Yeah, well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The talking stove: 'Cheer up, Bret. / Mmm, it's the talking stove. / Things'll work out. / Yeah? / You love the talking stove. / Oh, let's make a cake.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Can I have one? / You can have a whole box. There you go. / Really? / Yes, take it home. I can't store them here.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The boxes of CDs turn out to be sawdust

Bret:'What, you had sex with him?' (Bret, when Murray describes doing business 'underneath an overpass')

Bret:'Did you want to buy sawdust, though?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'I should find Quincy Jones and let him know what his brother's up to. He needs to know this.' / 'Oh, I haven't got his number.' / 'You could email him.' / 'I'd love to email him.'

Lisa · Bret:Lisa bumped into on the street — turns out she didn't ship out after all; 'Oh no. I'm shipping out tomorrow.' (again)

Bret · Lisa:'But you said you love me.' / 'Oh. You had sex on me.' / 'No, oh yeah, that was just physical. We were just using each other, weren't we?' / 'Just using each other.' / 'Oh, we were just using each other.' / 'Yeah.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Your real problem, Bret, is the kind of girls you go for. You're attracted to bastards. Bastard girls.' / 'It's true.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'It's not ideal.' / 'It's not ideal, but yeah, they're still getting out there, aren't they?' / 'Yeah, well, they're blank though.' / 'Yeah, but they'll be out there, and... you know.' / 'As blanks.' / 'Yeah.' / 'It's good.' / 'It's good, I know.'

Jemaine · Bret:'That girl wasn't right for you.' / 'Yeah, I guess she wasn't really good enough for me.' / 'I was thinking she was too good for you.' / 'She was actually too good for me.' / 'Yes, a bit too pretty for you.' / 'Hmm.'

Bret · New Woman:A woman approaches Bret: 'Hi. Are you Bret? I'm a friend of Lisa's. I heard you like to have a good time.' / Bret: 'I'm Bret.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray calls a band meeting and announces their 'biggest gig ever' with dramatic buildup, then reveals it's Central Park

Bret · Murray:Bret: 'Is it the Grand Canyon one?' Murray: 'No, there's no gigs at the Grand Canyon.'

Bret:Bret: 'Wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest gig ever.'

Murray · Bret:Bret asks if they have to do 200 squat-thrusts at 7am; Murray says 'some of these won't apply to you — look for the red pen'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray crossed out 'bus' on the itinerary and wrote 'bus' again because 'Honda Accord' was too long to fit in the gap

Murray · Bret:Murray confesses that when driving alone at night, he imagines the Honda Accord is a bus — 'Is that a bit silly, is it, Bret?'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:The 'airport gig' is revealed to be a hotel lobby at LaGuardia — Murray introduces it as 'at the airport, in the hotel... in the lounge'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's post-gig speech: 'Thank you very much, um, to the La Guardia Hotel lobby...' — Jemaine: 'Shut up, Bret.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bret asking for 'some of the chips that you said Bret could have' — the chip negotiation chain

Murray · Bret:Murray insisting the leather suits were 'a classic rock 'n' roll move' — but attributing the idea entirely to Jemaine, not believing Bret capable

Murray · Bret:Murray speculating about Jemaine's behavior: 'He won't be in it. He'll be on top...' — Bret: 'No, he's tucked in.' Murray: 'Is he?' The hotel TV antenna scene

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine and Bret fighting over the TV antenna to maintain reception while one is trying to watch a movie

Bret · Jemaine:Bret takes nuts from the minibar after being explicitly told not to — and the TV falls out the window

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Don't cover for him, Bret. I know how rock 'n' roll he thinks he is... Mr. Keith Moon.' — Bret: 'It wasn't Jemaine, it was me.'

Jemaine · Bret:The leather suits have already 'snugged up in certain areas... and in other areas, also yes'

Woman · Jemaine · Bret:Women bet on whether they're a band or magicians or gay — 'Looks like Becky and Kathy were wrong. And Lisa and Tawny and Tracy...'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Uh, we just got two fresh waters, so—' Woman: 'We'd be delighted.' — Bret overrides Jemaine's refusal

Jemaine · Bret:Water polo in New Zealand: 'Do we? Pfft. It's our national sport. Every single person plays it. Bret's mom plays it.'

Bret · Woman:The autograph exchange: 'Bret?' 'Yeah.' 'Brit? Brit?' 'Bret.' 'Brit.' 'Bret!' ... 'What's your last name?' 'Bret.' 'Bret Bret?' 'No, just joking. It's McKenzie.'

Woman · Bret · Jemaine:'Throw another shrimp on the barbie.' Bret: 'That's an Australian saying...' Jemaine: 'Throw another shrimp on the barbie. Crikey! Wha!'

Jemaine · Bret · Woman:Jemaine writing down the room number with unnecessary precision: 'Be... be tidy about it.' Woman: 'I like your 2. It's nice.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'So what is water polo?' Bret: 'It's like polo but in the water.' Jemaine: 'On sea horses?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Like mermaids.' Jemaine: 'Yes. Like mermaids.' — transition into the Mermaid song

Bret · Jemaine:SONG: 'Mermaid' — the entire musical sequence as a comedic set piece

Jemaine · Bret:'Is it normal for a guy to wear SCUBA apparatus when he makes love in the sea?'

Jemaine · Bret:'Or are you an optical illusion caused by a woman sitting on a rock holding half a fish? Half a sexy fish.'

Jemaine · Bret:After five hours waiting, Jemaine: 'Do you think maybe... they're not coming, maybe?'

Bret · Murray:Bret asking Murray for a sparkling water while Murray is asleep on a single bed in the same room

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Pour some tap water and blow some bubbles in it.' Bret: 'It's not the same.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Hotel bill: 'Minibar charge, 0.00... Drinks charged to the room from hotel bar, $352.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's car rolls into the pool while he's arguing — 'Go! Move the car.' / 'Oh, flub.'

Murray · Bret:Murray explaining American handbrake placement: 'On American cars, the hand brake's on this side.' Bret: 'Oh, I must have just adjusted the seat.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'I feel like swearing.' Bret: 'Oh Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.' Murray: 'Go fuck yourself, Bret!'

Bret · Jemaine:They discover they have no money for a bus after Murray quits — 'I guess there's no choice, really.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The boys present Murray with a leather suit as a peace offering — 'It's a little big. But get it wet and it snugs up.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The potato/one-potato-two attempt at a handshake ritual that no one knows — 'Potato? / One potato, two... / No, just leave it.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Did you miss me?' Bret: 'Little bit.' Murray: 'Little bit, eh? Jemaine?' Jemaine: '...' [long pause] '...Oh...'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:The Central Park reveal: 'This isn't Central Park.' — 'Yes it is. It's a central park.' — 'I said a central park in Newark... New Jersey.'

Bret:Bret suggests putting hay in your mouth as a cool image choice, demonstrating enthusiastically with 'Hey, how's it going? Hey, man.'

Murray · Bret:It's not a good look. You don't see Bret on the fan list. — Yeah, well, that's 'cause I'm not a fan of the band. I'm more a fan of popular bands like the Bee Gees, Pearl Jam.

Bret · Murray:World Music Jam? We don't play world music. Do we? — Yes. Where's New Zealand from if it's not from the world?

Bret · Jemaine:The 'Ladies of the World' song — escalating list of nationalities/descriptors culminating in 'Amphibian / Lady' and 'Hermaphrodite / Lady-man lady'

Bret:Redheads not warheads / Blondes not bombs / We're talking about brunettes not fighter jets

Bret:Where every lady gets a little piece of Bretty

Bret:I've been to Paris, Wellington and Amsterdam / And a wham-bam, merci, danke, thank you, ma'am / I don't care if you're ugly or you're skanky or you're small

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Really good. Different start to the song. — What were you doing there? — No, it's the same. — Oh, okay. So... [hums the tuning sequence] — Well, we were tuning. — Oh, okay.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I bought you guys a beer. — I don't even drink beer. — I don't drink it either. — Just drink it, will you? It's good for the rock 'n' roll image.

Bret:Bret forcing himself to drink the beer — reaction shot implied — thinking of something happy, visible grimacing.

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine, those girls are looking over at us. — Do you think they might be looking at me? — They're looking at all of us!

Jemaine · Bret:Oh, yes, we were tripping when we wrote that one, that's right. — We were totally whacked off. — What? — Whacked off? — Uh, that's just a drug term we use back in New Zealand when we're out of it. We say 'Oh, man, I was whacked off last night.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Well, how about that, eh? A real rock 'n' roll band. — That'll be the beer, you see? — Yeah. — My goatee probably would've helped as well. — I think it was more the beer. — They weren't looking at your goatee. — Yes they were. One of them was.

Bret · Dave:I was hoping to dress something like Prince. — Kind of erogenous, huh? — Yeah, but toned down a bit, like, Prince if he was just going to the zoo or the supermarket. — Casual Prince? — Casual Prince.

Dave · Bret:She thinks she's my mom. — That is your mom. — Dude, you think I live with my parents? — Oh, is that your dad, though? — No. That's just some old, crotchety Indian couple that I sublet to. The weird thing is they look like me.

Mel · Bret:But you don't drink beer, Bret. — I drink it all the time. — I could drink a whole glass of beer. — I thought it always made you go to the toilet.

Bret · Jemaine · Mel:Hey, guys, watch this. [extended pause — Bret watches for his moment to escape] — Great. — Thanks, Mel. — There's your beer. — Yum! Yum! That's good. Wow. — I just need to go to the toilet. Excuse me.

Doug · Bret:Bret discovers Doug in the basement of Mel's building. Doug insists he's 'happy down here' and asks Bret not to mention he's there.

Mel · Bret:Bret! Hey, Bret, can I have a quick word with you? Those girls, I don't trust them, Bret. They have no interest in you as musicians. — Just want to what? — They want to do it with you, Bret. — Sex? — Yes.

Mel · Bret:It's just, Bret, I just hope that you'll make sure that they respect your boundaries. — Thank you, Mel. Okay. — Yeah. — Okay. — Are you okay? Do you need any help with... — Uh, can you please leave? — Oh, you don't need any help? — I'm going to the toilet, yeah. — Everything's fine with you?

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine, Mel thinks they're not interested in the band, they're interested in sex. — Sorry we have to run off, Mel. — That was delicious! Congratulations on the prize.

Summer · Bret · Jemaine:So, uh, you guys want to get whacked off? — What? — Yeah. Whacked off, you know, do some drugs. — Mmm. — Oh.

Bret · Jemaine · Summer:Bret and Jemaine's excuses not to take acid: Bret has a cold (airborne), Jemaine has the same airborne cold, then they negotiate down to a 16th of a portion.

Bret · Jemaine:The 'Pretty Prince of Parties' song — surreal acid-trip musical number with nonsense rhymes ('flunky bunky dunky'), Mickey Maori minstrel, and sustained la-la section.

Bret · Jemaine:Pretty Prince of Parties: 'You're a flunky bunky dunky' and 'I'm a pitcher of holy water'

Bret · Jemaine:Oh, pretty prince of parties / Where's the party now? — I don't know. / Oh, pretty prince of parties / Where does water go? — I let it flow.

Bret:I'm the mickey Maori minstrel / You're the high priestess of tinsel / I'm the guru god of ganja / Rama shalanka lanka Ravi Shankar

Bret:I'm just gonna go to the toilet. I'll see you later.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, you got to go home. — Why? — Because I've been offered a threesome. — What about me? — No, you're not included. Go home.

Bret:This doesn't look like Prince.

Bret · Summer:Bret's excuse: 'I have a doctor's appointment.' Fan: 'At night?' Bret: 'Yeah.' Then Summer asks Bret about the threesome.

Summer · Bret:Bret, do you want to have a threesome? — Oh. Just one second.

Bret · Jemaine:You ever had a threesome? — Nearly. — What you mean, nearly? — I had a twosome. — Wow. What was that like? — Great. I've done it several times, man. — Just one of you there, then one... — Yeah. — Oh no, I've had a twosome! — That's just the normal way. — Yes.

Jemaine · Bret:Is it impolite not to do it considering she's offered and it's her place? — No. Can't do it. No. — I won't do it. — What, you're not doing it? — No way. — If you're not doing it, I might do it. — Are you gonna do it? — Yeah, why not? I'm gonna go for it. — Okay, let's do it. — No, don't do it.

Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, but if you do it and I'm not there, you're back to a two-way. — Oh, yes, you're right.

Jemaine · Bret:I think we should just go in there and say thank you and then go home. — No, we'll feel obliged to do it. — Let's just climb out the window and go home. Come on.

Bret · Summer · Jemaine:Oh, hi, Summer. — Hey. — Bret, what are you doing? — Um... yeah. — Um... — Oh, hey.

Bret · Jemaine:Again, just want to say thank you for a delightful evening. — Thanks for the acids. — And the offer of the threesome. — And, um... — Really wonderful night.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The new fans gave us illegal drugs and wanted to have a threesome with us. — Whoa, really? — Mmm. — That's pretty rock 'n' roll. — No, it was very awkward.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's band meeting response to 'the new fans gave us illegal drugs and wanted to have a threesome': 'Whoa, really? That's pretty rock 'n' roll.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Okay, now look, you've lost your fan list now. The two new fans have dropped out of the gang. — We still got Mel. — Nope, she's gone as well. She's off the list. — Really? — Yes. — How many fans have we got now? — None. Empty club. I've put a note here... no one.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray asks Jemaine to join the fan list; Jemaine says yes. Murray asks Bret. Bret: 'No way. No, I'm just not a fan of the band at all.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Oh no, here we go. Perhaps here, Jemaine, would you like to join the list? — Yes. — Yeah? Okay. What about you, Bret? Can you join the fan list? — No way. — No, I'm just not a fan of the band at all.

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine. — Hmm? — Last night, did you... look? — We agreed never to talk about this. — Yeah, but did you look? — I didn't look. — Did you look? — I had my eyes shut most of the time. — What do you mean most of the time? — I opened them a little bit so I could see what I was doing.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · Mel:Murray's voice from webcam: 'Go to sleep. Stop chatting.' / 'All right, Murray.' / 'Good night.' / 'Say good night for me.' / 'Just wave at him.' / 'Say goodnight to Mel.' / 'All right. Good night, Mel.' / Mel's voice: 'Good night.'

Bret · Jemaine:The opening song 'Are you feeling the feeling? / Feeling the feeling / That I'm feeling / That we're feeling' — an impossibly vague, self-eating lyric delivered with full sincerity

Bret · Jemaine:Bret thanks the audience 'on behalf of Jemaine and myself,' Jemaine immediately interjects 'Not... not me.' Then Bret corrects to just himself.

Bret · Jemaine:After the gig, Bret says 'I thought that went pretty well.' Jemaine: 'It was terrible.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'It was just the wrong sort of crowd.' Jemaine: 'You can't call that a crowd.' Bret: 'Yeah, three's a crowd.' Jemaine: 'That was definitely a crowd.'

Bret · Jemaine · Ben:The guy who approaches them was 'in the audience.' Bret: 'Uh, you were the guy with the soup?' The man confirms. 'What was the soup like?' 'It was good.' 'We get some free soup for doing the gig.'

Ben · Bret · Jemaine:Ben praises 'the attention to detail with your stage characters... the idea of a pair of naive idiots from New Zealand... very funny.' Then asks 'So where are you guys from? The Julliard School of the Performing Arts?' They confirm New Zealand.

Ben · Bret:Ben gives them his business card. Bret: 'This says Dry Cleaners.' Ben: 'The other side. Written in pencil.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bret suggests giving out free pencils to get bigger audiences. Murray: 'No, you're not in New Zealand now, Bret.' Exchange about how pencil giveaways got 20 people to a gig.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's response to asking if he got a record deal: 'Probably not, I guess.' Then: 'Not even a Thanks for the demo. We're not interested. But thanks again for trying... every day.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The 'Cheer Up Murray' song begins — particularly the birthday cake in the shape of a 4 and a 3 because they thought he was 43.

Bret · Jemaine:'You've got a dog / He loves you, Murray / It's one hell of a dog / It's an English bulldog'

Bret · Jemaine:'You've got all of your limbs / You've got a sensitive nose / And you do tai kwan do / You're good at matching your ties to your clothes'

Bret · Jemaine:'You've got a wife, though she comes and go-o-oes'

Bret · Jemaine:'Some people don't return your calls / They don't return your calls / People will call you Ginger Balls / They'll call you Ginger Balls'

Bret · Jemaine:'Cheer up, Murray, it's time to forget / Your wife met someone on the net'

Ben · Bret:Ben's 'New Zealand character' turns out to be an Australian accent using 'flamin' drongo.' Bret asks if he could do it in his normal voice. Ben: 'No. That's not acting.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Band meeting — Murray: 'I've done the mathematics in my head. The percentages are in our favor.' Jemaine: 'Any. You haven't seen any [deals].'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The band vote: two Ayes, Murray says Nay. 'Two ayes, one nay, you're gone. Motion carried.'

Murray · Ben · Bret · Jemaine:Murray announces they've taken the deal. Ben: 'What are you doing?' Murray: 'I just got a bit carried away. I was... just... Stefan's so good at it.' Ben: 'Yeah, but, I mean, Murray, he's having a good time.'

Dave · Bret · Jemaine:Dave's story about 'four or five really hot foreign chicks... Swedish or Korean... wanting a five-way' used as an analogy for the value of honesty.

Bret · Jemaine:'Frodo, Don't Wear the Ring' — the full musical number, sincere LOTR-advice song in multiple genres

Ben · Bret · Jemaine · Mel:LOTR video shoot: famous LOTR lines delivered in a low-budget setting — 'I'm not a conjurer of cheap tricks!' in particular, followed by the full 'You have my sword / And my bow / And my axe'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray has bought cigars for the wrap party. 'I don't smoke.' 'Oh yeah, I don't smoke.' 'Well, neither do I, but it's a special occasion.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray offers to put drinks on the tab: 'Drinks are on us!' Jemaine: 'Uh, no, we probably shouldn't.' Murray: 'Don't worry about it, Jemaine.' Here's to Flight of the Conchords! The drinks are on us!'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The bill arrives: $600. Murray reveals he has a 'special industry code' from Stefan that pays for everything: 'Drinks, jet boats, caviar, everything.' He whispers the code to the waiter.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine reveal Ben isn't a real executive: 'He's a dry cleaner.' Murray: 'What do you mean? Of course he's an exec. Good one. What about the conference call between him, me, Peter Jackson, the guy from the mafia?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Well, that went better than I thought it would. Yeah, that cleared it up.'

Ben · Bret · Jemaine:Ben (out of character): 'That was not me. That was Stefan. But it was you. No no no no. Stefan is his own person. It looked like you. Sure! You play Stefan. Stefan works through me. He's like a spirit.'

Ben · Bret:Ben offers to pay $1,000 'payable to Murray Hewitt.' He writes on a piece of paper. Bret: 'This is a laundry ticket.' Ben: 'Yes.'

Ben · Bret · Jemaine:Ben reveals he's going to Hollywood for a Martin Scorsese film. 'What's it called?' 'Dry Cleaner.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Oh at least that's good news for Ben. Bret... he's acting. You think that was acting? He's acting. God, he's good. He is good. He's very good.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · Dry cleaner:Dry cleaning shop worker: 'Could you guys please leave? We're waiting on our dry cleaning.' Murray: 'Fuck.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'I know it's pretend, but I thought you did really well in that meeting.' Bret confirms. Murray: 'I was hoping you'd bring that up. I kind of felt that as well. Did you? Yeah, I did do well, didn't I? That was my proudest moment, that meeting.'

Murray · Todd · Bret · Jemaine:Murray loops back to item one after being challenged, announces 'Item one: Todd. Yeah, he's the new band member.' Todd says 'Hi.' Murray immediately pivots: 'Right. Item two...'

Todd · Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Todd plays a bongo solo that stops everyone in their tracks — the 'Whoa!' reaction and subsequent awed discussion of the bongo performance.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray claims adding Todd was a good idea like his past managerial advice: 'Like that time I saw you for the first time onstage. I said "Face the front," and you did. We've never looked back since, have we?'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray: 'Like the song.' / Jemaine: 'Which song?' / Murray: 'The John Lennon one, you know.' / Jemaine: 'Give Peace a Chance.' / Murray: 'Give Pete a Chance.'

Todd · Bret · Jemaine:Todd suggests a song where Bret and Jemaine put their guitars down and bark like dogs ('Arf, arf!') while he plays bongos.

Jemaine · Todd · Bret:Jemaine: 'I dance when I'm angry.' / Todd: 'When you're angry? Who dances when they're angry?' / Jemaine: 'I guess that's about it.'

Mel · Bret:Mel: 'Whoa-ho! What are the chances? We're always bumping into each other.' / Bret: 'About one in one.'

Todd · Bret · Jemaine:Todd: 'Looks like the race is on. Gentlemen, start your engines. Vroom!' / Bret and Jemaine awkwardly attempt 'Vroom!' back.

Todd · Bret · Jemaine:Todd's repeated 'Am I right? Am I right? / Possibly. / Possibly? I'm right.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Bret: 'He's not cool like us. We're cool.' / Murray: 'He's way cool! He's cooler than both of you put together.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray: 'He's like the Pied Piper of cool.' / Jemaine: 'Pied Piper was a good musician, wasn't he?' / Murray: 'He was cool.' / Jemaine: 'He wasn't cool. He took all those kids into a cave.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Okay, I'm just gonna go over there and say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."' / Jemaine: 'Make sure you say "Dear Todd."'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret tells Jemaine he fired Todd; then reveals that while he had Todd in a headlock, Todd 'explained why he thought you shouldn't be in the band... after about 20 seconds it kind of made sense.'

Jemaine · Bret:Bret: 'But you can't do that...' / Jemaine: 'Listen, we'll talk about it later. I've gotta go to band practice now. Todd's very strict.'

Bret:Flup!

Todd · Bret:Todd stops practice: 'Bret, what are you doing?' / Bret: 'I'm not Gloria Estefan, all right?'

Bret · Todd · Jemaine:Bret offers to carry Todd's bongos and then Jemaine's guitar as a roadie. 'No one's touching my bongos. You know that.' / Jemaine: 'Well, I don't really need you to, Bret.'

Bret · Jemaine:Do you need someone to carry your guitar, Jemaine? / Well, I don't really need you to, Bret. / Okay. / I get it. / Not needed.

Bret · Demetri · Murray:Bret introduces Demetri's instrument: 'It's a guitboard.' / Demetri: 'No, man, keytar. Keytar.' / Murray: 'Yeah, he took the wrong parts of the words.'

Murray · Demetri · Bret:So is a guitar or a keyboard? / Exactly. It's the best of both worlds. / So it starts out as a keyboard and ends kind of as a guitar. / I don't like it. It's weird. / It's not the right shape.

Bret · Jemaine · Todd:Bret calls his competing band 'Original Flight of the Conchords.' / Jemaine: 'You can't call it that.' / Bret: 'It's not. It's called the Original Flight of the Conchords. You guys can be called Flight of the Condors, or whatever.'

Jemaine · Bret:Bret: 'What do you care for anyway, Bret? You're always quitting. Probably just quit in half an hour anyway.'

Bret · Jemaine:[Song: 'The Distant Future'] — Robot characters sing 'The humans are dead / We used poisonous gasses / And we poisoned their asses.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret complains that Demetri copies his dance moves. / Jemaine: 'What moves? You don't have dance moves.' / Bret: 'He also started copying my look.' / Jemaine: 'What look?'

Bret · Jemaine:Demetri and me are doing pretty well. It's probably better than you and me as well. / Really? / Yeah. / Hmm.

Jemaine · Todd · Murray · Bret:Jemaine and Todd argue: 'It's been ready! It's been ready!' — Murray: 'Come on, listen. Look, shake hands.' / 'He's squeezing my hand a little bit.' / Todd: 'Are you? Just my regular handshake.' / Bret: 'There's no squeeze there. What a wuss.'

Bret · Murray · Todd:He's squeezing my hand a little bit. / Are you? / Just my regular handshake. / There's no squeeze there. What a wuss.

Bret · Mel:Mel is wearing a Crazy Dogggz t-shirt. Bret: 'Hey, you got one of the Crazy Dogggz t-shirts.' / Mel: 'No.'

Bret · Mel:Hey, Mel, you didn't make it to our gig the other... / Oh, yeah. / There was no one there... [long pause] without you there.

Jemaine · Bret:Mel rushes off; Jemaine plaintively calls after her: 'Hey, Mel, you didn't make it to our gig the other...' (trailing off as she leaves) / '...There was no one there...' / '...without you there.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Well, sorry I haven't been in touch. I've just been so busy, man, you know? / How are the Crazy Dogggz? / They're a phenomenon. Number one in 24 countries. / They say hi? / No.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Do we have any gigs, Murray?' / Murray: 'Yeah. Yeah, you've got the library. They want you back for the bingo night.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Actually that's the same night that the Crazy Dogggz have got a big gig. Giant Stadium. / How giant is it? / That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'So I'm gonna go there first, set them up, and then come back to the library, help you guys out, and then probably to and fro between the library and the stadium.' / Bret: 'Yeah, Murray, it seems like you're spending a lot more time with the Crazy Dogggz than us.' / Murray: 'No, equal time. Check my schedules, it's equal.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray calls band meeting roll call; Bret says 'Yes,' Jemaine says 'Also yes,' Murray says 'Present of course.'

Bret:'I thought we had sold five.' — Bret, on their CD sales.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray announces R Kelly wants to sing on their next song — then realizes that's the Crazy Dogggz item too.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray defends his management: 'Before you came to me, you were poor and you had no gigs.' Bret: 'Now look at you.' Jemaine: 'We're poor and we've got no gigs.'

Bret · Jemaine:'We're slightly poorer.' / 'Yeah, Bret's only got one shoe.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray reveals the Gold records on the wall are fake — pencil sharpeners stuck to bits of wood — and the Grammys are fake too.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray shows up at the gig and tells the boys he used to do things 'behind the scenes' — things they couldn't see. Bret: 'What, when we couldn't see you?' / 'What would you be doing behind the scenes? Having dinner? Going to the movies? Relaxing?'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray · Martin Clark:Emergency band meeting during the conversation with the agency executives. Murray: 'No, please, go on. Shoot.' Boys run off anyway. Martin Clark: 'Don't listen.'

Bret · Jemaine:Emergency band meeting within earshot: Item one is band merchandise — a t-shirt with 'Flight of the Conchords' written in tiny letters in pen. 'But we can't sell it tonight cause I'm wearing it.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret made band dolls — with a real denim jacket on one. 'How'd you get the jacket so realistic?' 'Yeah, that's real denim.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine apparently tries to take some of Bret's hair for the doll mid-meeting: 'And I just want to get some of your hair...' before being interrupted.

Bret:Bret to Martin Clark about his email: 'Underscore is your middle name, is it?' — re: martinóclark@aol.com

Jemaine · Bret · Martin Clark:Martin: 'I need a demo by the end of the week. Cool?' Bret: 'Yes.' Jemaine: 'Impossible. Oh. Yes.'

Bret · Jemaine:First attempt at femident jingle: '¶ Some women like men / some are lesbian / Femident toothpaste. ¶' — three lines, full stop.

Bret:Bret: 'It's... there's almost half.' / 'That's half of it.' — on the three-line jingle.

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Women love weaving. They love to weave.' Bret: 'Nah, weaving is a man's game.'

Bret:Bret: 'I come from a family of weavers.' / 'I'm weaving at the moment, making a pair of trousers.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Women's rights.' Bret: 'No, that's more of a man's thing, isn't it?' — said without irony.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Boys tell Murray 'It's easier than easy' / 'Easier than you thought.' Murray: 'Oh okay, so you're telling me it was unbelievably easy.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray plays them the Crazy Dogggz song and a Polish song that turns out to be identical — and came out 13 years earlier.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray tallying up 'bads' and 'normals' on the plagiarism question, getting confused about who said what: 'So you're normal... No, I'm bad... I've got three...'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Boys: 'Are you moving office, Murray?' Murray: 'I'm kind of moving.' Item three: 'Would any of you like to buy a desk?'

Dave · Bret:Dave demonstrates the 'Dave double-down technique': 'How much would you give me for this? / A dollar. / Double it. / $2. / Double it again. / $4. / Sold!'

Dave · Bret:Dave: 'There's your pen. Just give me my $4.' Bret: 'I thought it was an exercise.' Dave: 'Yeah, you've got to learn the whole lesson.' ... 'I'm gonna waive the tax.'

Bret · Jemaine · Martin Clark:Bret tries to pre-emptively negotiate ('We were wondering if you could double it') before Martin has named the fee, then has to unsay it.

Murray · Bret:Murray is clearly living in his car, treating his glovebox as a 'stationery cabinet.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Why don't you get your old job back at the consulate?' Murray: 'I can't do that, Bret. I've moved on. Look at me. I'm not going back there. Plus when I quit I told them all to go stuff themselves.' / 'No, I wrote it down, but it's the same feeling. Imagine reading that.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Nice pants.' Bret: 'Are they woven? Wow.' / 'These are man-made.'

Bret · Jemaine:The Femident toothpaste jingle song performed in the commercial — 'You are a woman, you wear women's wear / you have breasts and longish hair, oh yeah / you're kind of fun everywhere / yet you're still very rare, oh yeah'

Bret · Jemaine:Jingle lyric: 'You're a woman and you love to weave / you're a woman, you have women's needs / I know you love women's rights / you're a woman with teeth, now take a bite'

Bret · Jemaine:After filming the commercial, the ad exec asks for work permits. Boys: 'We don't have work permits.' / 'Is it just a bit of card? Just a card, a greenish card? Is it like a library card?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'I don't think we're legally allowed to be in the country.' Jemaine: 'No, we're illegal immigrants.'

Bret · Murray:Bret phones Murray: 'We've got blue robes on. We're not wearing anything...' Murray: 'Get dressed.'

Bret:Bret: 'Can you bring our passports and some green cards, please?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray uses their legal crisis as leverage: 'If you hire me back, I'll tell you what to do.' They rehire him. 'What should we do?' Murray: 'I think we should run for it. Come on, let's go.'

Murray · Bret:Murray produces a shoe for Bret: 'Oh, Bret, that's for you.' / 'I managed to get you a shoe, eh?' / 'That's okay. You know what? I think there's a guardian angel looking after us.'

Bret · Jemaine:Song lyric: 'Nobody knows what goes on / under those robes'

Jemaine · Bret:The cup roster debate — Jemaine has created a formal rotating schedule for a single shared cup

Bret:It was only $2.79.

Jemaine · Bret:The $2.79 cup causes cascading financial catastrophe: bounced phone check → $30 overdraft fee → bounced gas bill → $60 owed → phone and gas cut off

Bret:Yeah, that's boring, man.

Bret:Stink.

Jemaine · Bret:We got a letter from the electricity company. — What did it say? — Didn't read it.

Bret · Jemaine:The 'dad guitar' vs 'mum guitar' bit — Bret voices both as domestic archetypes

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's newsletter review: 'Conchords crash and burn — by Murray Hewitt' — Murray wrote his own band's scathing review

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:The Nigerian internet scam — Murray invested the band's emergency fund in an obvious internet scam from 'Nigel Soladu'

Murray · Bret:The biscuit ordering bureaucracy — getting a biscuit requires filling out a form sent to Wellington, with an ID check, delivery by Tuesday

Bret:The Superstraw visual gag — Bret has invented a 'Superstraw' product (multiple straws taped together to drink from far away)

Mel · Jemaine · Bret:Oh, well, I could give you guys some money. — Yeah? — Thanks, Mel. — I mean, you would have to earn it, of course. I mean, I wouldn't insult you by giving you charity. — Do you guys... do massage?

Bret · Jemaine:The escalating finger-pointing over who does massage — both Bret and Jemaine simultaneously deny it while attributing it to the other

Bret · Mel · Doug:The massage scene — Bret massages Mel so gently she can't feel it; 'I'm just doing it very gently to begin with'

Bret:I'm just patting her.

Mel · Bret:Bret, you know how you told me you were good at sex? Are you? — That was just 'cause you asked me in front of Sally.

Mel · Bret:Well, you were lying then. — I was exaggerating a little bit. — Lying.

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine, I don't think we're gonna get sex and get paid. — Why not? — 'Cause we never get sex or get paid.

Jemaine · Bret:SONG: 'Sugarlumps' — a Beyoncé-style empowerment anthem about Jemaine's genitals, complete with Bret as a backup dancer/vocalist

Bret · Jemaine:Hi, do you need a prostitute? — Sorry to interrupt, but do you see my friend over there with the red shirt? He's a bit of a part-time prostitute.

Jemaine · Bret:And also, I think you're gonna have to go the whole way. You can't just hug them. — Just hugs until I get more confident.

Bret · Jemaine:What expression's on your face? — Um, guilty expression. — What expression's on your face? — Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied 'cause I was right about the cup.

Jemaine · Bret:The Superstraw economics reveal — it takes five straws at 50 cents each to make one Superstraw sold for $1, resulting in a net loss

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Can you think of any successful musicians with no instruments? — The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. — Boyz II Men. — Bobby McFerrin. — Pavarotti. — Bret's right. There are none.

Murray · Bret:The consulate gig offer — Murray calls Bret's existing job at Eddie's as a 'gig' and tries to take commission

Bret · Murray:He's out working the beat. — Drumming? — No, he's a gigolo. — A what? — He's a prostitute. — Jemaine's a hooker. — A whore? Is he? — A prostitute. — A male prostitute.

Bret:I just wanted a new cup. We only had one cup. So there's two of us, I often have to wait for Jemaine to finish his... anyway.

Bret · Jemaine:SONG: 'You Don't Have to Be a Prostitute' — Bret sings a power ballad to rescue Jemaine from prostitution, with practical domestic advice embedded in the verses

Bret · Jemaine:The client has a shower — [Bret arrives to rescue Jemaine mid-appointment]

Jemaine · Bret:Get out of here. — No, I'm serious. It's totally fine. — Murray said it's degrading as well. — Oh, it isn't degrading. It's fine. — Are you sure? — Yeah yeah yeah. It is more social.

Bret · Jemaine:It is more social. — Yeah, exactly. — You can sit down, have a cup of tea together.

Jemaine · Bret:It is more social. — Yeah, exactly. — You can sit down, have a cup of tea together.

Police · Bret:Police. Open up. — I called them to come and save you.

Bret · Jemaine · Police Officer:Police arrive — 'You, are you the prostitute?' — 'Yes, ma'am.' — 'You're a prostitute as well?' — 'No no, I'm just the guy that wears the big condom.'

Bret · Jemaine:A bit boring in jail, eh? — There's nothing to do.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:We were at square two, but now we're back. — When was that? — Let's stop talking about squares.

Bret · Jemaine:When's the electricity coming back on? — They said it would be on by now. [lights turn on] — You'll be pleased about that.

Bret:Opening rap song dissing every major rapper by name: 'Eminem is not very good / 50 Cent is not very good / Snoop Dogg is not very good...' followed by 'bass solo. Bass solo over.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Texas/Lexus as rhyming words for the band to use: 'Item one: Texas, Lexus... two rhyming words. Do you think you could use those?' — 'No.' — 'Maybe.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The band has been playing gigs in a library and complains: 'It's so hard to play there because everyone wants us to be quiet. They're shushing us constantly.' Murray: 'You can make sound, just make it so that people can't hear you.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'The only one I could make out was Snoopy. What's your problem with him?' Bret: 'No, it was Snoop Dogg.' Murray: 'I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out once in a while. He's lovable. Leave him alone.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray to Bret: 'Have you thought about these rappers that you're dissing? You might hurt their feelings.' Then breaks into song.

Bret · Jemaine:'Hurt Feelings' song — opening verses: 'Some people say that rappers don't have feelings / We have feelings / Some people say that we are not rappers / We're rappers / That hurts our feelings'

Bret · Jemaine:'I feel like a prize asshole / No one even mentions my casserole'

Bret · Jemaine:'You could've said something nice about my profiteroles'

Bret · Jemaine:Wetsuit verse: 'I was shopping for a wetsuit to scuba dive / but every suit I tried was too big around the thighs / and the assistant suggested I try a ladies' size / I'm not gonna wear a ladies' wetsuit, I'm a man / Get me a small man's wetsuit, please'

Bret · Jemaine:Birthday verse: 'It's my birthday, 2003 / Waiting for a call from my family / They forgot about me' / 'The day after my birthday is not my birthday, mom'

Bret · Jemaine:Friends-in-town verse: 'I call my friends, say let's go into town / but they're all too busy to go into town / So I go by myself, I go into town / Then I see all my friends, they're all in town / They're all lined up to watch that movie Maid in Manhattan'

Bret · Jemaine:Rapid-fire questions verse: 'Have you ever been told that your ass is too big? / Have you ever been asked if your hair is a wig? / Have you ever been told you're mediocre in bed? / Have you ever been told you've got a weird-shaped head?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Has your family ever forgotten you and driven away? / Once again, they forgot about J'

Bret · Jemaine:'Were you ever called homo because at school you took Drama? / Have you ever been told that you look like a llama?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Tears of a rapper / I'm crying tears of a rapper' — song outro with both performers

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Here in the United States, rivalries between rappers usually result in death or worse.' Bret: 'Death?' Murray: 'Yeah, or worse.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Isn't it the same way with rappers back in Newfoundland?' Jemaine: 'New Zealand.'

Murray · Bret:Murray's urban legend about rappers: 'I heard of one rapper... he chopped this guy's whole body off, just left the dick behind.' Bret: 'Don't you mean they chopped off his dick?' Murray: 'No, I mean they held his dick and chopped his whole body off. That's all he was in the end... a dick.'

Johnnyboy · Bret:Johnnyboy's gang resumé: 'Do I have gang experience? I was in the snake eyes, the duckies, the cuckoos, the vampires, the pharaohs, the ballroom dancers, the hobo lords, the little enchanters...' then 'I was a navy seal for 15 years. I'm officially AWOL, so don't ask them about my existence.'

Mr. Li · Mrs. Li · Bret:Mr. and Mrs. Li's reason for wanting to join the gang: 'We run the internet cafe downstairs. Vandals graffiti our store window. We want to stop them.' Followed by 'He says you have a kind face.'

Dave · Bret:Dave's extended gang resumé continues: 'And in '54 I joined the monkey lords. After that, the rockers, the gentleman jims, the tsars, the stars, the might midgets from Queens.' Bret: 'So you've had a lot of gang experience, basically.' Dave: 'They're all gangs, big daddy!'

Bret:Bret's gang schedule offer: 'I'm available all the time, but I like to go to bed by 8:00 at night so I can build up my Zs for the next day. Otherwise I get real tired. Oh, and I got to take toilet breaks. I have a bladder thing.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine asks Bret about his day. Bret: 'How was your day?' Jemaine: 'Uh, it was good.' Bret: 'I've been in the ceiling most of the day.'

Murray · Bret:Murray's confusion: 'Right, Bret, what's this I hear from one of the band about you starting up a gang?' — Bret: 'You told me to start up a gang.' Murray: 'I said rappers have gangs and you shouldn't hassle rappers.' Bret: 'No, you said rappers have gangs, so I should start a gang.' Murray: 'Typical... you didn't listen.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'This gang is disbandoned.' Bret: 'No. Dis... what?' Murray: 'Disbandoned.' Jemaine: 'Disbanded?' Murray: 'Abandoned?' Murray: 'Yup, all of those things.'

Murray · Bret:Murray's yes/no loop with Bret: 'Yes. / No. / Yes! / No. / How about yes? / How about no? / Well, I'd rather you say yes. / No.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray reveals he used to be in a gang: 'It was me, my brother Graeme, and my dad Gordon. Mom wasn't even allowed in it. No one knew why.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Song reprise verse: 'Have you ever been dissed over the intercom? / Have you ever found a gift you've given thrown away? / Have you ever been told that you're Miss New Zealand?'

Bret · Dave:Bret and Dave on watch: 'We're looking for, basically, all rappers.' Dave: 'Mos Def, all the guys.' Bret: 'Mos Def, the guy from Law & Order: SVU?' Dave: 'No, that's Ice Cube, but keep an eye out for him.'

Bret · Dave:Extended rapper-filmography confusion: Ice Cube was in 'Are We There Yet?' and 'Are We Done Yet?', Method Man from 'Meet the Spartans,' Snoop Dogg 'was the voice of Lightning the racehorse.' 'Yeah, you don't want him on your ass.'

Bret · teenagers:Bret confronts the teen graffiti artists: 'Well, on behalf of the tough Brets, I'd like you to stop graffitiing Mr. and Mrs. Li's internet shop.' Teens: 'Who are you?' / 'Yeah, get lost.'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:'Stay Cool, Bret' song — Jemaine and Murray trying to calm Bret, then pivoting to their own anxieties: 'Not gonna sleep till I found him / I'll pound him, I'll bet he regrets / He ever messed with Bret from the tough Brets!'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Mid-song fight sound effects: 'Bam! / Pow!' interspersed with 'Stay / Cool' — the song literally represents a street fight in musical form

Bret · Jemaine · Dave:Bret explains confrontation to teens: 'So you should respect other people's property.' Then accidentally kicks a kid. 'Bret, you just kicked a kid!' 'Sorry.' 'You could get 10 years for that.'

Dave · Bret:Dave, fleeing the scene: 'Let's haul ass fast. I know a place we can hide till this blows over. Come on. You dig?' Bret: 'I think so.'

Dave · Bret:Dave leads them to a building that used to be 'the dapper dukes' hideout' in 1958 — now it's presumably gone or replaced. 'Where's the dapper dukes' hideout? It was right here. You know, we laid low for three straight months back in '58.' Bret: 'Johnny, I think they've probably all retired by now.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret brings home the X-rated Mel painting and Jemaine reacts: 'I found that on the steps downstairs. I thought you painted it.' Bret: 'How come I'm wearing gumboots?'

Police officer · Bret:Police to Bret: 'We'll let this go because we don't like that particular kid, but we've got our eyes on you.'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Jemaine and Murray reveal they were hurt not to be asked: 'Someone whom you haven't asked. Who? Jemaine's talking about Jemaine, Bret. You could've asked him... or me... but you didn't.' Bret: 'Do you guys want to be in the gang?' Both: 'Yes! Yeah, I'd like to, yeah.'

Bret · Dave · Jemaine · Murray:The gang immediately disbands again: Dave quits, so does Jemaine, then Murray: 'Well, if you're out and you're out, then I'm out. Really? Yeah, I'm out.' Bret: 'You're out as well? Well, I'm not leaving.' Bret alone: 'So that's it... I'm in. I'm the gang. I'm the Tough Brets.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The camper-van gig was sold out — 'that one old man and his wife' — and Murray is proud of this.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Jim is revealed to be Murray's best friend — but Bret and Jemaine have never heard of him.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray tells the band to slow down mid-gig because there's a 'possible couple here... dancing to this.' They comply. Murray: 'Well, you've lost the audience.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel recounts her dream: Jemaine was 'a slave striving towards freedom.' And Bret... 'I just want to thank you. I had no idea you were so flexible.'

Mel · Jemaine · Bret:Mel sings: 'Why can't the world be more like in my dreams?' Jemaine flatly says 'No.' Bret says 'Yeah.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine and Bret's reaction to the song: confused 'pardon?' and 'what?' before hastily leaving.

Murray · Bret:Murray holds a 'friends hangout' with a formal agenda. Bret says 'Present' when called on. Murray: 'No, you don't need to say present. We're just friends.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine: 'We don't even drink beer. We don't talk about our emotions.'

Bret · Murray:Bret suggests what he actually likes doing: 'having a bath.' Murray: 'Well, we're not gonna have a bath, Bret.'

Murray · Bret:'I think you're ready to meet Jim.' 'Who's Jim?' 'Jim... my best friend.'

Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Jim fires rapid-fire questions: 'Rock? Funk? Country? Hair band? Synth? Blues? Jazz? Jazz fusion?' They say yes to all. 'No.' 'Cool.'

Jim · Jemaine · Bret:Jim asks Jemaine his haircut style. Jemaine defers to Bret. Bret: 'Oh, I just call that the Jemaine.'

Bret:Bret's favorite part of the newspaper: 'stories about animals when they've escaped from the zoo.'

Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Jim: 'You guys got any questions you want to ask me?' 'No.' 'Okay, so I'll flip it back.' Then immediately: 'You guys ever grow a mustache? You ever been stung by a porcupine?'

Mel · Bret:Mel stops Bret at the party and says she's 'kind of angry at you for something you did in my dream last night' and wants an apology.

Mel · Jemaine · Bret:Mel describes what Jemaine did in the dream that was 'very nice.' The audience hears her reaction shot/face, not words. Then Jemaine and Bret react identically.

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel: 'I think you should probably apologize [for what you did in my dream].' Bret: 'I'm not gonna apologize. It was a dream.' Mel: 'Well, actually, it seemed real, didn't it?' ... 'That's a shame. I should've apologized in the dream.' 'You bastard.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jim calls Bret and Jemaine asking to hang out. Jemaine (in background): 'He's not our friend. He's just a guy we met one time.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret tells Jim that Jemaine called him a dick. Jemaine: 'Bret, don't tell him that!' Bret: 'Well, you just told me to tell him!'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Bret, I didn't say to tell him he's a dick.' Bret: 'Uh, yes.' [confirming to Jim that Jemaine called him a dick]

Bret · Jim:Jim asks: 'Am I on speakerphone?' Bret: 'No, you're not... but I got confused.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine have set up a full table-tennis table in Murray's office. Murray: 'This is not a rec center for the misguided.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'He's not a dick or a tick.' Bret: 'I do call you a dick sometimes.' Jemaine: 'Same.' Murray: 'All right, that's another issue we need to discuss.'

Murray · Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Final graph review: they've dropped to 'below colleagues... worse than when we started. Strangers.' Then Murray updates Jim's chart: 'Friends as ever. Nice one.' Jim asks where Murray buys his markers.

Murray · Bret:'I don't even know you guys anymore. / So we're not friends anymore? / No, Bret, not according to the chart.'

Murray · Bret:'I don't even know you guys anymore.' / 'So we're not friends anymore?' / 'No, Bret, not according to the chart.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray drives Bret and Jemaine to the nightclub but refuses to let them out despite their protests, insisting on taking them 'right to the door'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray tells the bouncer he has 'a couple of very cool looking guys in the back of my car' — the camera presumably shows Bret and Jemaine looking profoundly uncool

Bret · Jemaine:Song: '¶ going to the party, sipping on bacardi / want to meet a hottie, but there's Adam, Steve and Marty ¶'

Bret · Jemaine:Song: '¶ the only boobs I see tonight will be made of origami ¶'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine calls Bret from inside a girl's apartment: 'Bret, I think she might be Australian.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret suggests Jemaine jump out the window; Jemaine agrees, then reports: 'Oh, it's too high.' Bret: 'Okay, well, do one of those dive rolls when you land.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Oh, you've got to get out of there. Just get out of there.' / 'I'm locked in. She's trapped me.' / 'I'm not surprised.'

Bret · Jemaine · Keitha:Bret's voice from the phone: 'She's got a man's name.' Jemaine to Keitha: 'Keitha, that's a lovely name.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Does she sound Australian? Australian accent?' Jemaine: 'Yes. Yes.' Bret: 'What did it sound like?' Jemaine: 'Kind of like an evil version of our accent.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'She may have subtly mocked your accent and you didn't notice.' Jemaine: 'She may have subtly been mocking me.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Did you use protection?' Jemaine: 'Yes, but only on my penis.'

Bret · Jemaine:Red mark on Jemaine's lip is identified as crabs by Bret. Jemaine insists it's lipstick. Bret: 'It's crabs.' Jemaine: 'It's not crabs.'

Bret:'She probably tried to steal your wallet.' / 'Don't touch anything.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's meeting agenda item: government-approved biscuits. Bret's form was approved; Jemaine's was rejected because he wrote 'NA' for purpose of biscuits.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray asks if Jemaine can have one of Bret's biscuits 'until I get this sorted' — the camera holds on Bret's reluctant reaction before he relents

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bret reveals Jemaine's secret: 'Jemaine slept with an Australian.' Murray: 'What?!' — then clarifies he said 'what' as disbelief not mishearing

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray whispers to Bret with Jemaine turned away: 'Do you think he's listening? Let's test it. Jemaine's a good-looking guy, isn't he?' — Jemaine immediately turns around

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray devises a test for whether Jemaine is listening: 'Jemaine's a good-looking guy, isn't he?' — Jemaine visibly reacts — 'Yeah, he's listening.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray explains Australian danger using mermaid mythology: 'The sailors used to fall for them... the Australians would lure them to the bottom of the sea and they'd drown.' Bret: 'Oh, that's mermaids.'

Bret · Jemaine:Song: '¶ Do Australians feel love? / Are they capable of love? / Do they even know what we're speaking of? ¶'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine wakes Bret in the night to ask a 'hypothetical question,' then says 'I suppose so' when Bret asks if it can wait till morning — and immediately wakes him again

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'When I first met you, you tried to have me deported from New Zealand because you thought I was Australian. That was a misunderstanding. You were wearing a vest top.' 'My mom gave me that. She thought it made me look like Bruce Willis.'

Jemaine · Bret:'What would you think if I did go out with that... Australian?' / 'I would never go out with an Australian.' / 'If you were to, I would be fine with it.'

Jemaine · Bret:'My mom gave me that. She thought it made me look like Bruce Willis.' / 'Well, it didn't. It made you look like an Australian.'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret · Keitha:Jemaine: 'Hey, she'd never be my girlfriend.' — cut to Jemaine introducing Keitha as his girlfriend

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'What is that you're wearing?' Bret: 'Where'd you get that?' — reaction to whatever Jemaine is wearing (implied Australian-influenced outfit)

Keitha · Murray · Bret:Keitha: 'You can call me Keith, by the way.' Murray: 'That's a man's name.' Keitha: 'It's a female name. It's got an 'a' on the end.'

Keitha · Murray · Bret:Keitha says she sounds like Marilyn Monroe on the phone to her mom. Murray and Bret's reactions: 'Did you catch that?' / 'What are you deaf?' as they struggle to process the claim

Keitha · Jemaine · Bret · Murray:Keitha: 'See you later, big j.' Jemaine: 'Let's go, little b.' Bret: 'Okay, little m.' Murray: 'Medium m.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine makes a show of noticing an answer phone message 'for you on the answer phone' — clearly having listened to it already

Bret · Jemaine:The 'Keitha' voicemail: clearly Bret doing a bad Australian accent, getting geographic details wrong ('Wollongong' vs. 'Woollamaloo'), ending with '...And I'm married.' then a man's voice: 'Who's on the phone, love?'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine tries to leave after the voicemail disaster. Bret: 'Jemaine, did I show you my gloves that look like my hands?' Jemaine: 'Get off. Let go of my glove. Ow, that's actually my hand.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Get off. Get off. Let go of my glove. Ow, that's actually my hand. That's actually my hand.'

Dave · Bret · Murray:Dave, after being asked about Jemaine: 'Wait a second. Which one are you?' — to Bret, who is standing right in front of him

Dave · Bret · Murray:Dave farewell: 'See you, Murray. See you, Jemaine.' (misidentifying Bret as Jemaine). Then he's gone before they can correct him.

Dave · Murray · Bret:Dave: 'I just think it's really cool that you love each other even though you're from Austria and you're from someplace no one's even fucking heard of.' Murray: 'Australia.' Bret: 'New Zealand.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine returns to find Bret taped to the door. 'Bret, have you seen Keitha?' Bret: 'She robbed us. Her and her friends jumped me and taped me to the door.' Jemaine: 'Did she mention me at all?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret, still taped to the door: 'Could you pass me my sandwich, please?' — followed by Jemaine's careful sandwich delivery and offer of a napkin

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Can I get a hug?' Bret: 'No. No.' Jemaine: 'A hug?' — followed by Bret refusing to participate, Jemaine hugging him anyway

Bret · Jemaine · DJ:End-credits reprise of 'Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor' — the song that opened the episode plays again over the credits

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine doing impressions of each other's acquaintances — Bret does 'Do it now!' and Jemaine correctly identifies it as Bret's mom

Bret · Jemaine:Bret does a shriek impression and Jemaine guesses 'Victoria. Victoria Bartosh.' Bret: 'Oh yes, that sounds like her.'

Bret:Bret's impression of a dog running causes a cramp, setting up Barbara's entrance

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:Barbara asks if they've seen her dog; Jemaine asks 'What kind of dog is it?' then Bret adds 'Just a four-legged kind of...' — Barbara: 'He can't have gone far. On foot?'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Terrible affliction.' Bret: 'Poor Charlie.' — in response to hearing about Charlie's canine epilepsy

Bret · Jemaine:Song: Bret and Jemaine sing an R&B/hip-hop duet in real time about the woman they just met, debating in rhyme whose girl she is — including 'she was careless with her dog' as a lyric

Bret · Jemaine:In the song: '¶ are you thinking what I'm thinking? ¶ / ¶ no, I'm thinking what I'm thinking ¶ / ¶ so you're not thinking what I'm thinking? ¶ / ¶ no, 'cause you're thinking I'm thinking what you're thinking ¶'

Bret · Jemaine:In the song: the description of Barbara — '¶ blueberry tracksuit pants ¶ / ¶ white chocolate skin ¶ / ¶ and socks? ¶ / ¶ that sounds like her ¶'

Bret · Jemaine:'¶ was her name brahbrah? ¶ / ¶ no, I think it was Barbara ¶ / ¶ her name was brahbrah ¶' — escalating sung argument about Barbara's name

Bret · Jemaine:In the song: '¶ she had her eye on my knee ¶ / ¶ dawg, I'm sorry, she had her eye on my guns ¶ / ¶ oh, you're loco, she was checking out my buns ¶' — competitive hip-hop boasting in song

Bret · Jemaine:'¶ wait a minute, you talking about the girl with the lazy eye? ¶ / ¶ I think she might have had a slightly lazy eye ¶'

Bret · Jemaine:'¶ the girl that's fly with the wonky eye ¶ / ¶ she's smoking with an eye that's broken ¶ / ¶ I think it's hot the way she looks left a lot ¶'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:Bret has rounded up multiple random Yorkshire terriers from strangers to help find Charlie — 'I thought, oh, they might be Charlie. I just got these.'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:Barbara shows a photo of Charlie in a kitten costume — 'No, it was a kitten party. They didn't allow dogs. You dressed your dog as a cat?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's notes: 'Jemaine, you had great stage presence. Fantastic. Bret... no stage presence, unfortunately.' Bret: 'The last gig? I didn't do that gig.' Murray: 'Exactly.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's concern that Bret's jazzercise clashes with gig times, leading to an earnest discussion about whether Bret has already paid for his classes

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray reveals past song ideas: Jemaine's 'forest' idea from two years ago; Bret's 'I wish I was a tree.' Murray: 'Quite similar to the forest idea.' Then Jemaine's 'sailing' idea from last year — 'Still finishing that one.' Murray: 'It's been nearly a year now.' Jemaine: 'Well, I don't know anything about sailing.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Both Bret and Jemaine independently reveal their new song ideas are both about epileptic dogs

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine calling Barbara 'brahbrah' on the phone while scheduling a dinner date, without realizing Bret has also just called her to schedule dinner at the same time

Bret · Barbara:Bret tells Barbara his song is about 'canine pepilepsy' — and says he hopes 'it raises awareness'

Bret · Barbara:Bret downplaying Jemaine: 'He seems smart too, with his glasses.' 'Oh, you like the glasses?' 'Yeah.' 'Yeah, they make him look smart, but he's not smart. He wears those because he has weak vision.'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:Jemaine arrives 15 minutes early for his dinner with Barbara, finding Bret on his date — 'Jemaine, you're 15 minutes early.' Jemaine: 'That's okay. I'm fine with... I'm just gonna wait.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'I'd just feel... I've got 15 minutes left.' Jemaine: 'Well, we can spend 15 minutes together another time.' — offering Barbara a rain check on the remainder of Bret's date

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine brings Bret flowers after arriving at the restaurant

Bret · Barbara:Bret describing Jemaine: 'He reminds me more of a bearded lady.' — in response to Barbara saying Jemaine reminds her of a puppy

Dave · Bret:Dave's story: 'I had the same situation once with my friend Derek. Well, let's just say Derek's no longer with us.' Long pause. 'No no no no. He moved to Arizona.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret claims to be going to jazzercise at night — 'Me and a couple other guys. Just you and a couple of guys from jazzercise, huh? Getting together and doing some impromptu jazzercise at night?'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine's glasses missing — 'I had a shower and I left them in the sink.' Bret: 'They're probably in the sink. Have you checked the sink?' — then the scene cuts to Jemaine wearing a fake glued-on beard to disguise himself from Barbara

Mel · Bret:Mel stops Bret — dressed up to look like Jemaine — and tells him she's imagined what a child of him and Jemaine might look like, and 'it looks something like this in my imagination' [implying she shows a drawing/image]

Bret:Bret: 'Oh, I don't really want to know that.' — flat rejection of Mel's baby fantasy

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray is developing a vaccine for 'pepileptic dogs' — 'I'm sorry, are you a vet or a doctor?' 'No, not really.' 'But I guess I'm quite intelligent.'

Murray · Bret:Murray has been taking his own unproven vaccine every 30 minutes — 'I'm showing no symptoms of epilepsy.' Bret: 'But you don't... you never had epilepsy.' 'No, I don't have epilepsy. But I think that's because of the vaccine.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine fight over the microphone during the recording of the epileptic dogs song

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine challenges Bret to a duel — 'I see no other option. I challenge you to a duel.' Bret: 'Oh no.' Pause. Jemaine: 'I accept.'

Bret · Jemaine:The duel is resolved via the romantic ballad 'Love Is A Weapon Of Choice' — the men use music as their duel weapons

Bret · Jemaine:Song lyric: '¶ every time you walk in through my door / you're extending this one metaphor / you leave me wounded lying on the floor / I think I've seen this floor before ¶'

Bret · Jemaine:Song lyric: '¶ there's a battleship loaded with emotions / crashing onto some lying ocean / and I'm afraid it is just as I feared / this ocean is made of my tears ¶'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara · Dog Owner:Barbara returns with 'Charlie' — turns out to be a different dog entirely: wrong color, wrong breed, wrong size — 'Maybe that isn't Charlie. He's a different color.'

Barbara · Bret · Jemaine · Dog Owner:The dog Barbara found is not Charlie — it's 'Mocha', someone else's dog — 'Maybe that isn't Charlie. He's a different color.'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:Bret and Jemaine competing to comfort Barbara — 'Bret, get out.' / 'Sorry, Jemaine's got his creepy hand on your shoulder.' / 'Thanks. Bret, you're crowding her.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Benefit concert speech: Bret: 'It's great to be here. I'd like to dedicate this song to all the dogs with pepilepsy.' Murray: 'Bret, your speech is boring.' Then Jemaine: 'I love dogs with epilepsy.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Bret, get out.' / 'Sorry, Jemaine's got his creepy hand on your shoulder.' / 'Bret, you're crowding her.'

Bret · Jemaine:The epileptic dogs charity song — 'Think About the Epileptic Dogs' — performed at the benefit, including '¶ somewhere there's a golden retriever / who's having a seizure ¶' and '¶ send a check in the letter / to make a setter feel better ¶' and '¶ come on make a donation / and save a shaky dalmatian ¶'

Barbara · Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Post-concert disaster: 'The strobe lights gave all of the dogs seizures.' 'Not all of them.' 'Well, the epileptic ones.' 'Yeah, all of those ones.' Bret: 'I thought they were dancing.'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:'Even the golden doodle?' 'Yes.' 'The shih-tzu was dancing.' 'No, he passed away.' 'Dogs can't dance, Bret.'

Barbara · Bret · Jemaine:Barbara reveals she thought Bret and Jemaine were gay — 'I'm sorry, I thought you guys were gay.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel arrives with a 'mock-up family portrait' of Bret, Jemaine, and their hypothetical baby — 'coming out of you guys'

Bret:Bret: 'Kind of cute.' — about the portrait of him giving birth to Jemaine's baby

Barbara · Bret · Jemaine:Barbara: 'Truthfully, I'm interested in Bret if he's straight.' — looking at Jemaine. Jemaine: 'Yeah, this one.' pointing to Bret

Bret · Brahbrah:Brahbrah asks 'So, brahbrah, how long has Charlie been gone?' — Brahbrah: 'Six years.'

Bret:Bret asks 'Will the queen be there?' in response to the news of a small party with the president.

Bret · Jemaine:After Greg is told 'Dismissed,' Bret or Jemaine observes: 'Likes to lurk there, doesn't he?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:After the boys refuse, Murray says 'Okay. Well, I'll have to put that $50 back then.' Pause. '$50 each.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine performing 'Scarborough Fair' as Simon & Garfunkel — one wearing an afro wig.

Bret:Backstage: 'Look at that, man. They've got apples.'

Bret · Murray:Bret starts to say 'The prime minis—' and Murray frantically shushes him, pointing at the sleeping prime minister.

Bret · Jemaine:Bret addresses the prime minister as 'your honor' and Jemaine calls him 'my lord' — wrong honorifics for a prime minister.

Murray · Bret:Murray explains that Bret can be the bodyguard by pretending he has a gun with his hand in his jacket. 'Don't pull that out, 'cause that's obviously not a gun. When you pull it out, just go: It's still in there.'

Bret:Morning after the date: Bret takes a spoonful of cereal 'so it looks like we're having breakfast.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret asks 'Why are you wearing your Art Garfunkel costume?' — Jemaine has come home still in the wig after three days.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The audience count: 'How many?' — 'One.'

Bret · Murray:'Is it Mel?' — 'No, it's not, Bret. Actually, Mel was busy. She actually requested that she can't come today. But if she was here, yes, we'd have two.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Post-gig: 'Hey, when did he go? When did that guy leave?' — 'Yeah, he snuck out. Possibly as early as the first song.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The audience member (and manager) both snuck out during the gig.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray produces a 'high points and low points graph' — the high point of their entire career is a parking meter that was broken.

Murray · Bret:'Maybe in the '70s, guys. But come on, get up with the '90s.' — 'It's not the '90s.'

Murray · Bret:Murray's 1991 'experiments' photos — he was 'trying to find my look.' Bret: 'You should dress like this more often.' Murray: 'No, I've found my look now.' His look is a moss-green shirt and a tie.

Prime Minister Bryan · Bret · Jemaine · Murray:PM asks for a cool band. Bret and Jemaine immediately offer. PM: 'Well, no, we're looking for a cool band.' Murray: 'They are available.' PM: 'I see.'

Prime Minister Bryan · Bret · Jemaine:'If you really want to help, we do need someone to work the information booth.' — Bret and Jemaine are given the information booth job. 'You guys keen?' — 'No.' — 'Great.'

Bret · Jemaine:Reaction to the hair gel — implied visual sequence of people reacting to Bret and Jemaine's gelled hair. 'Don't touch it.' then 'Ew!'

Bret · Jemaine:Escalating 'cool' reactions from strangers: 'How's that?' / 'That looks cool.' / 'Whoa, that is cool.' / 'You look like a punk rocker.' / 'Very cool look, man.' / 'Totally cool.' / 'Pretty cool.' / 'Cool.'

Bret · Jemaine:THE FASHION SONG — 'Fashion / f-f-f-f-fashion, f-fashion / s-s-s-style, the l-l-l-l-look' — opening stutter-rap delivery of a fashion anthem.

Bret · Jemaine:¶ you think you know fashion / well, fashion's a stranger / you think fashion's your friend / my friend, fashion is danger ¶

Prime Minister Bryan · Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Prime Minister sees Bret and Jemaine: 'You guys seem a little cooler than usual today.' — 'Usually you wear clothes from the '70s.' — 'They're not from the '70s. They're from new zealand.' — 'Isn't that the same thing?' — 'Similar, I suppose.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Whatever, Murray.' / 'Whatever, David.' — Bret and Jemaine's new 'cool guy' persona manifests as dismissing everyone including their friend David.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Maori village plan: 'I think the most important part is to get a maori warrior. That would really sell it. So do we know any maoris, Jemaine?' — 'Actually, you're part maori, aren't you?' — 'No, I'm not doing it.'

Bret · Jemaine:Hair gel fight — Bret and Jemaine accuse each other of using the gel on body hair and beard, then throw the tube at each other. 'Oh! That was very dangerous.' / 'How dare you throw this at me?' / 'I think it's a fitting revenge for you throwing it at me.' / 'Oh! That was dangerous.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Did you finish the gel on your body hair?' / 'N...no.' / 'You've been gelling your beard.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine are too afraid to go outside without gel: 'We'll wait till there's no one out there.' — They wait and wait.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray opens the door, sees their hair without gel: 'Oh my God! Oh, it's terrible!' — 'What have you done?'

Bret · Jemaine:'There's still some gel.' — 'You're imagining the gel.' — 'There's still some.' — 'There's no gel left. It's not there.'

Bret · Jemaine:'What if he's keeping the gel for himself to make himself look good?' — Beat — 'Don't think so, man. That big ginger head of his...'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel is discovered in their apartment, apparently sleepwalking or claiming to sleepwalk. 'This is your place. I must be sleepwalking. Oh no, don't wake me. You could kill me.'

Bret · Mel:'Do you have a key to our apartment?' — Mel: 'This isn't my place, is it? This is your place.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel's sleepwalking excuse: 'I must be sleepwalking. Oh no, don't wake me. You could kill me.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel offers mousse or hairspray instead of gel, then turns out to have neither. 'I'd better go before I wake up.' — Bret: 'You come in here without any mousse? What's wrong with you?'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel produces glue from 'in here' (from her body, presumably a pocket or somewhere more alarming). Bret: 'Glue?' — Jemaine: 'This should work.' — 'It's just like gel. Same viscosity.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Jemaine, I stuck my head to my hand.' — 'You idiot, Bret.' — 'You've got a pillow on your head.' — 'What? Where?' — 'Other side.' — 'Oh, we're both idiots.'

Bret · Jemaine:Information booth: 'What side of the road do you drive on?' — 'The middle.' / 'What language do you speak there?' — 'We pretty much just make it up as we go along. That's why the people from there are so hard to understand.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'We can't do it. We're not cool enough.' — Murray: 'Guys, do you want to know a secret? It wasn't the gel that made you cool. It was the confidence the gel gave you.'

Bret · Prime Minister Bryan · Murray:'This was a complete disaster.' — 'Well, I thought that was relatively successful.' — 'Yes, it went very well. Well done, Paula.'

Bret:Bret responds to being asked where he's been — with bread — by launching into an elaborate, romantic folk ballad

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Oh. No, I forgot.' / Jemaine: 'Cause I've been waiting here with all my sandwich fillings all ready.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'I was just really busy thinking about this girl.' / Jemaine: 'What was her name?' — then Bret continues singing the answer

Bret · Jemaine:Bret sings her name is a secret, then sings her name is Cheri. Jemaine: 'Is her middle name Cheri? So it's a secret Cheri maybe?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'she reminded me of a winter's morning.' Jemaine: 'Oh, frigid.'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Why don't you go on a real date?' Bret: 'Because they're never as good as fantasy dates.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'She works down at the cheap zoo.' Jemaine: 'The pet store?'

Bret:Bret: 'She's, um, one of the cat tamers.'

Bret:Every time Bret goes in to see her he freezes up and ends up buying two goldfish he doesn't even want

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Why do you buy two then?' Bret: 'Well, if you get two, you get one free.' Jemaine: 'But you don't even want any goldfish, Bret. Why would you buy two?' Bret: 'Might as well get one free.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'You can't hit on her.' Jemaine: 'What? Why... why would I hit on her?' Bret: 'You always do that.' Jemaine: 'Oh! When?' Bret: 'Always.' Jemaine: 'Oh, okay. So you do something every time, and suddenly you've got a reputation.'

Bret · Dave:Bret: 'What are you doing in here?' Dave: 'Fixing the shower.' Bret: 'It wasn't broken.' Dave: 'Well, I'm sorry... I broke it.'

Bret:At the pet store, Bret asks Jemaine to take a photo of him in front of the 'budgebears' (budgerigars)

Bret · Savannah:Bret approaches Savannah: 'Hello.' / 'Are you thirsty?' / [panics] 'Goldfish... one goldfish, please.'

Bret:Bret buys two goldfish again, invoking the buy-two-get-one-free logic mid-panic

Bret:Bret's second conversational attempt: 'What time do you feed the cats?' — followed by silence and scene cut

Bret:Bret: 'Not... not completely a girlfriend.' / 'She doesn't know I exist.'

Dave · Bret · Jemaine:Dave: 'But you do... you do exist, don't you?' — then the reveal that the boys previously claimed not to exist / to be from Never Never Land

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine insisting 'I fully exist' with increasing emphasis

Bret:'Whoa, he does know more than you.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's schedule book says 'Nothing' / 'No need to come in.' — he called them in to tell them there's no need to come in

Bret · Jemaine · Dave:Jemaine: 'Compliment her hair.' Dave: 'Ask her what's up with her face.' Bret follows Dave's advice: 'What's up with your face?'

Bret · Jemaine · Savannah:Savannah: 'Is that a walkie-talkie on your kilt?' Jemaine: 'Tell her it's an iPod.' Bret: 'It's an old iPod.' Savannah: 'Okay.'

Bret · Savannah:Savannah: 'Can I help you with something?' Bret: 'I'll just... I'll just get a goldfish, please.'

Mel · Doug · Bret · Jemaine:Doug: 'Ah. Motorcycle magazines.' Mel: 'She must like tough guys.' Bret and Jemaine: 'Tough guys?'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Bret, I don't want to be your wingman anymore.' Bret: 'What? Why not?' Jemaine: 'It's tiring. I'm exhausted.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's plan: 'I bump into Savannah tonight, you mug us and I beat you up a little bit.' / 'I saw it on a sitcom.' / 'Did it work on the sitcom?' / 'Not completely, no, but this is real, so I think we've got a better chance.'

Bret:Bret: 'Yeah, I've bought, like, 63 goldfish off you.'

Bret:Bret: 'I'm happy to be your bodyguard. This is a dangerous corner.'

John · Jemaine · Bret · Savannah:The mugging goes wrong: John forgets to let them keep the purse and actually mugs Savannah

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'What did you bring him for?' Bret: 'He's the only mugger I know, isn't he?'

Bret:Bret to Savannah after the chaos: 'They're not supposed to do that.' / 'Would you still like to get a little bit of sushi?'

Bret:Bret: 'I'm freaky.' Savannah: 'What?' Bret: 'Did I mention that I'm one of those sort of freaky guys?' — then the 'I'm Freaky' song begins

Bret:The 'I'm Freaky' song — opening lines: taking August off to get her off, clearing the tabletop requiring a mop

Bret:'Let's take a photo of a goat in a boat / then we can float in the moat / and be freaky'

Jemaine · Bret:'She's a bit crazy.' / 'Do you want me to give you a hand breaking up with her?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine in unison: 'We've paid our rent' / 'Oh, we've paid our rent' — simultaneous defensive agreement

Landlord · Bret · Jemaine:The landlord reveals he's been accumulating New Zealand dollar checks for two years without noticing they were wrong currency

Bret:'Is that American dollars or real dollars?'

Landlord · Bret · Jemaine:The NZ dollar conversion: $7,727 American becomes $77,000 NZ — visual beat where landlord holds up fingers or a figure

Bret · Jemaine · Landlord:'Can we give you an I.O.U.?' / 'In American dollars, not in New Zealand dollars'

Bret:'Can we choose which month?' — Bret asks which month the eviction deadline refers to

Jemaine · Bret:"Evicted? By whose authority? The landlord."

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray calls a meeting: 'Present. Jemaine. Present. Well, Murray, present.' — roll call with no one absent

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'Is there a more practical solution?' / 'No, just...' / 'One that relates to our problem?'

Bret:'Our story is the story of two guys who start at the bottom and with a lot of hard work continue along the bottom and finally end up at the bottom.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:'Did you see the one about the guys who started at the bottom, stayed at the bottom and at the end they were still at the bottom? So inspirational. Who'd go and see that?'

Bret:'Then it's a slow start, isn't it?' — Bret's response to Murray saying 'what if this is just the beginning of your story?'

Bret · Murray:The musical ends with them staging a successful Broadway musical — 'but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen like that'

Murray · Bret:Murray shows Bret a scene where he comes into the office and Murray tells him about the musical — 'It's just like now.' / 'Really?' / 'Yeah, you say really? — there you go.'

Bret · Murray:'Can we stay at your place tonight, Murray?' / 'Yeah, sure, but I've only got one bed and I grope people in my sleep.'

Bret · Murray:'We'll just stay on the floor.' / 'I'll probably find you there. I tend to... I really reach out.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'Mmm, never mind. No? We'll find somewhere.' / 'That's actually better for the story, if you're homeless.'

Dave · Bret:Dave explains he can't host them because his roommate 'is a dangerous drug dealer' — 'Your dad?' / 'Yeah.'

Hotel Receptionist · Bret · Jemaine:Hotel receptionist: 'We only have one room for $51... room 204. But the thing about room 204 is a terrible murder happened there... today.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel turns out to be the murderer — she appears at the hotel just after the receptionist warns the killer will return

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Rule #8: 'You must not leave the house.' / 'When?' / 'What, never?' / 'Not after 11:30 P.M. And preferably never.'

Doug · Mel · Bret:Doug offers to play the harp — 'Oh, Doug! No.' / 'That is such a womanly instrument. Have you ever heard of a man playing a harp?'

Mel · Bret:Mel tucks Bret into bed very tightly — 'It's very tight. I can't really move.'

Bret · Mel:The heater is broken — but Bret saw her turning it up moments ago

Mel · Bret:Mel locks the bedroom door 'for security' in a 'very dangerous neighborhood'

Bret · Mel:'I sometimes go to the toilet in the middle of the night.' / 'Mm-hmm. I know.'

Jemaine · Bret:The 'Petrov, Yelyena and Me' cannibalism song — a man stranded at sea with two companions who progressively eat him while he parties with them

Bret:THE SONG: 'Petrov, Yelyena and Me' — Bret sings about being stranded at sea with cannibals

Jemaine · Bret:'I passed out and I woke with one leg. I said... Petrov, have you seen my leg? He said... no. And he went back to bed. But he looked suspiciously well-fed.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Hey Petrov, what is that you are eating? It's fish. How come it looks so much like my arm which has been hacked off at the elbow last night? Oh, it's an arm fish.'

Jemaine · Bret:'I swallowed some arsenic to poison my meat.' / 'I was very ill, but revenge is so sweet / unlike the last meal my comrades would eat.'

Jemaine · Bret:'When I awoke, they were already dead / all that was left of me was my head / No, not dead, just a head.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Lost but so lonely... at sea.' — the final couplet of the song shifts from 'lost but happy' to 'lost but so lonely'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's musical rehearsal reveals he's cast actors to play Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle — 'This seems very similar to Star Wars.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'I thought you were a farmer.' / 'Never ever a farmer.' / 'I was a shepherd.' / 'A shepherd, not a farmer.'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine and Bret met because Jemaine lost some sheep that wandered into Bret's paddock

Murray · Bret:'What about the wise old guy you had to find who taught you to fight your father?' / 'I think that's Star Wars.'

Mel · Doug · Bret · Jemaine:Mel and Doug announce a separation — delivered to Bret and Jemaine as if to children: 'This isn't about you' / 'Well, actually, Mel, it is about them.'

Mel · Doug · Bret · Jemaine:Mel assigns custody: Bret stays with Mel, Jemaine goes with Doug — 'But I will fight you, Doug, and I will get you back, Jemaine.'

Mel · Bret:'Oh, Bret, you'll understand when you're older, okay? You're so young.' / 'I'm 32.'

Bret · Mel:'Mel... are you wearing my shirt?' / 'Yes, I am.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Bret, you've got to remember to keep breathing the whole time. Yesterday's rehearsal you got worked up, stopped breathing and fainted.' / Bret: 'No I didn't.' / Murray: 'You were on the ground for five minutes.' / 'Yeah, about five minutes.' / 'I really got bored of that bit.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Jemaine, nobody wants to listen to the music of a couple of shepherds. I know of a place... A place called... America.'

Bret · Jemaine · Chorus:The 'America' song — NZ neighbors shouting 'Don't go there! They're crazy! They'll kill youse! They have guns!'

Bret · Jemaine:'Welcome to the land of opportunity / I am the Statue of Liberty... my head's stuck in this chair / gotta get my head out of this chair.'

Bret · Jemaine:'I'm selling myself on the street / just trying to make ends meet / who will buy / my body? / my body.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Now scram, you filthy illegal immigrants.' — the landlord character in the musical

Bret · Jemaine:'Illegal immigrants, illegal immigrants / we've overstayed our welcome, we've overstayed our visas / nobody cares, nobody needs us!'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Musical-within-musical: Murray's character appears to say 'We'll put on a musical!' as the musical solution within the musical

Bret · Jemaine:Post-show: 'Murray was right. It was a great idea to put on a musical. Murray's the greatest.' — the musical's fictional happy ending momentarily believed

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Post-show: Doug plays harp and everyone cheers — 'Look at the harp player! It is manly.'

Bret · Murray:'Is it a hit?' / 'Well, it depends how you define hit.' / 'Did people like it?' / 'No, I don't think it was that sort of hit.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'I've got lots of news — good news, got some... just a little bit of terrible news there...' / 'Well, let's start with the good news.' / 'Okay. Well, we did it.' / 'That's the good news?'

Murray · Bret:'So overall great, yes, but also not great. So average?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Final scene: back in New Zealand as shepherds — 'Good shepherding today, guys!' / 'Thanks, Murray!'