Bret McKenzie

Jemaine · Bret:I don't seem to get with any women, I just talk about getting with women. - Yeah, but the ones you talk about are hot.

Bret:We didn't need a map. We just live down there.

Bret:You look good, but you look like you're waiting.

Dave · Bret:Can you move away, please? - Sure. How long for? - 30 minutes.

Bret:So on or off with the light then?

Bret:Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.

Bret · Jemaine:But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for, like, six months. - Yeah, well... yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.

Bret:It doesn't work.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:You're both aware I wasn't invited? - No. - Jemaine, did you know? You did know? - Yeah. - You know, eh? - Yeah. - Yeah. Thanks.

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:What fan base? - The fan base of the band. - You mean Mel? - That's not a fan base, that's just a woman.

Mel · Bret · Jemaine · Bret:Oh, hey guys. - Hey, Mel. - Hey, Mel. - Hey, whoa. Crazy meeting you here, huh? - What, outside our house?

Dave · Jemaine · Bret:What an idiot, trying to sell me a cake. - It was a beautiful cake. - Yeah, it was.

Bret · Murray:I don't think that's a proper camera, Murray. - Yeah, a mobile-phone camera. - I think it's mostly a phone.

Murray · Bret · Murray:Those are your function buttons for the robot. - They look like nipples. - Don't touch them!

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:It doesn't look like Daft Punk. - We wanted ones like Daft Punk. - I don't know who he is.

Jemaine · Bret:We no longer say 'yes', instead we say 'affirmative' - Yes, affirmative

Jemaine · Bret:The humans are dead - He's right they are dead - The humans are dead - They look like they're dead - It had to be done - I'll just confirm they're dead - So that we could have fun - Affirmative, I poked one, it was dead

Bret · Jemaine:So you get more than one 'one'? - Some people are lucky. I've had a few ones.

Bret · Jemaine:So how many ones can you have? - Five. - How many have you had? - Three.

Jemaine · Bret:How's that going? - It's going pretty good. I still need to get more body in the hair. - It pretty much looks like a helmet.

Bret:It's helmet-hair night, man, not really. I mean, I've been thinking about it for ages. It's on the board.

Bret:I wouldn't have ordered the duck. I spent all my money on the duck. Would you be able to bring the duck home?

Bret · Jemaine:What did you cook? - Are you trying to get back together with Sally? - No. Just making chitchat. - Oh, okay. Macaroni.

Bret · Jemaine:Found groceries on the street - 'Someone didn't want it'

Bret:Bret about to spit out street sandwich: 'I was gonna spit it out, but I think I'll just eat it. We're poor, man.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Your toothbrush jar and a camera phone' - listing pathetic possessions they've pawned

Bret · Jemaine:'You want to sit down but you've sold your chair / So you... you just stand there'

Bret · Jemaine:'Hey, man, I just want some muesli' - desperate plea to convenience store manager

Bret · Jemaine:'Considering secondhand underpants' / 'What happened to those other underpants you had?'

Bret · Jemaine:'So you think maybe you'll be a prostitute / Just to pay for your lessons, you're learning the flute'

Bret · Jemaine:'Ladies wouldn't pay you very much for this / Looks like you'll never be a concert flautist'

Bret · Jemaine:'Ladies wouldn't pay you very much for this / Looks like you'll never be a concert flautist'

Bret · Murray:Money box cost more than they had - '$4? I thought we had $10?' 'This box cost $6.'

Bret:'Sounds like something a lamppost could do' - Bret's response to sign-holding job

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's confusion about 'booties' vs 'boobies' - thinking of baby boots

Murray · Bret:'You're not working, you're just holding a sign.' 'This is my work. Get out of here.'

Bret · Murray:Chicken-egg circular logic about jobs vs gigs

Coco · Bret:Coco's name confusion - 'Brit like... like Brittany?'

Bret:'She's so hot she's making me sexist. Bitch.'

Bret:Boom King song - entire performance

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's fake firing bluff being exposed by Jemaine

Mel · Bret:'All your fans are gonna be devastated.' 'There's just you, Mel.' 'Yeah.'

Bret:Bret's transformation claims - 'I've grown up. I've got a job. I've got a career. I drink coffee now.'

Bret:Bret immediately spitting out coffee - 'Oh God, yuck.'

Jemaine · Bret:'You've given up the dream, Bret!' 'I've woken up.'

Coco · Bret:Coco preferring bands to signs after Bret assumed the opposite

Jemaine · Bret:Tell her it is a bit dangerous. - Not all Americans have guns. - Tell her Dave's got a paintball gun.

Jemaine · Bret:Tell her about all the TV stations here, Bret. - Jemaine wants me to tell you there's a lot of TV stations. - How many? - I don't know. There's a lot. Yeah yeah, no. More than four.

Bret · Murray:Murray, I was wondering if you could call me by my rapping name? - Your rapping name? - Rhymenoceros. - Rhinoceros? - The Rhymenoceros.

Murray · Bret:Nah, well, that's not gonna fit in here. I've got 'Bret.' Can't you just have Bret as your rapping name? - No. It's not a rapping name. - It's a good rapping name. 'Hello, everybody, I am Bret.'

Murray · Bret:Look, if you're gonna have some sort of rap name, just be careful you don't do a drive-by. - I won't. - Well, you'd better not.

Murray · Bret:I mean, you don't hear of professional musicians with long hair. - Well, Led Zeppelin? - I mean a man.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:We've never been ridiculed. - No. - You haven't? - No. - Well, that's a surprise. I get ridiculed all the time.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Oh hey, ginger-balls. - You know? - That was Bret. - He called you that.

Bret · Murray:I thought that was your nickname? - No. I get, 'Oh, what are you on your way to... a dick meeting?'

Mugger · Bret:You got a cigarette? - Sorry, we don't smoke. - Oh, that's too bad. Because my man Mickey here wants a cigarette, so now you're gonna have to give him some money.

Bret · Mugger:Well, I've got $15. - Okay, hand it over. - No, but it's in the bank. We'd have to go to the bank to get it out. - No, we don't have time to go to the bank, dipshit. - We might just have time.

Mugger · Bret:Why... why does the phone have a camera glued to it? - It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday. - Oh yeah? Where'd you get it? - I made it. It's homemade.

Mugger · Bret:Yeah, it's a piece of shit. - Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much? - You can have it. - No no, he doesn't want it.

Jemaine · Bret:You'd better be careful, because Bret knows karate. - Yeah, I got a book on karate. I haven't actually read it yet, but I've got...

Bret:You'd better watch out. You don't really know who you're dealing with.

Bret:I'm the mother-flippin' Rhymenoceros / My beats are phat and the birds are on my back and I'm horny

Bret:I was raised by a rapper and writer... they dated / And subsequently procreated

Jemaine · Bret:Other rappers diss me / They say my rhymes are sissy / Why? / Why? / Why exactly? / What... why? / Be more constructive with your feedback / Please, why?

Mugger · Bret:You guys dancing a little bit? - No.

Bret · Mickey · Jemaine:That's not a knife. - Yeah, that's a knife. - Oh, it is a knife.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, my sleeve just... help me, my sleeve's just caught on the fence. - I'm too scared, man. - Bret, the corduroy's caught on the fence, Bret.

Bret · Murray · Dave:There was two of them. - Two? That's not a gang. - It was a two-man gang. - Two-man gang. - Can you have that, David? - Well that's a pretty small gang. I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.

Murray · Bret:You just left him there to fight them himself? - Well, I left him on the... he was on the fence. - Bret! - Well, I was... I was very scared.

Murray · Bret:He may be dead. - He maybe did what? - He may be dead. - I know, but what did he maybe do? - He may be dead. - Are you guys fucking with me? - What? - Not alive. You know... dead. - Oh. Oh.

John · Dave · Bret:Hey guys, remember that time he got his hand caught in that jar? - What a dick. I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar? - That was... that was actually me. - That was Bret.

Dave · Bret:Jemaine was the one who helped you out. And he helped you when you got your head stuck in the chair. - Remember? - Yeah. You were there for hours.

John · Bret:You know, I never understood a fucking word that guy said. - He did say 'what' a lot.

Bret:Yeah, one time we were supposed to go to the movies, and... uh, 'March of the Penguins.' And he... I had bought the tickets, and he didn't turn up. He texted me, said, 'I'm not coming.'

Bret · John:Yeah, one time we were supposed to go to the movies, and... uh, 'March of the Penguins.' - Oh, I love that movie. - And, he... I had bought the tickets, and he didn't turn up. He texted me, said, 'I'm not coming.'

Bret · John:Well, that's... that's not really the same thing, is it? I mean... I... I shot a guy, you know? - Yours is worse.

Police Officer · Bret · Murray:Kind of sounds like, 'What? What, what? Don't poot me in there weeth him. I'm innocent. I'm innocent'? - Yes, that's definitely him. - That's him. - It's a little bit more sort of South African.

Bret · Jemaine:'Cause I rented your half of the apartment out to Rueben? - Does he have to stay here still? - Well, he's paid two weeks' rent, 'cause I didn't think you were coming back.

Bret · Jemaine:I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you were gonna hassle me about it. - You shouldn't have done it anyway. - Hassling me. - I'm not hassling you. - You are hassling me.

Bret:Okay, David Hassle-hoff.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Um, Rhymenoceros. Rhymenoceros, yep. That's not a real gangster name. What? And Murray. Well, I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have. Like John. There was another guy there... Ralph.

Bret:Well, you were only in there for two days, man.

Bret · John:At least I didn't kill a monkey. - Dawg.

Bret · Jemaine:Brought you a cup of tea, man. - No, thank you, Bret. - Please grab it, it's hot. - It's hot. - Deal with it yourself. That's what I've learned to do the hard way. Oh, ow ow ow... oh, fuck! Ow.

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine, I'll see you later, maybe. - Bye, Bret. - If I live, that is, 'cause I might get killed. - Okay, let me know how that goes.

Bret:There's children on the street using guns and knives / Taking drugs and each other's lives / Killing each other with knives and forks / Calling each other names like dork

Bret:# Who's touching these monkeys? # # Please leave these poor sick monkeys alone #

Bret:There's people on the street getting diseases from monkeys / Yeah, that's what I said, they're getting diseases from monkeys / Now there's junkies with monkey disease / Who's touching these monkeys?

Bret:Why are we still paying so much for sneakers when they're made by little slave kids? What are your overheads?

Bret:Saw a man lying on the street half-dead with knives and forks sticking out of his leg / He said, 'Ah ah ah, ow ow ow ow ow ow / Can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please?' / 'Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?'

John · Bret · Jemaine:Here are the photos... I got 'em developed. From the camera phone. - You guys had some really good times, huh? - I hope you don't mind, there's some of me in there. I had to finish out the roll.

Mickey · Bret:I just wish John was big enough to accept my apology, you know? - Well man, we're gonna get some pizza. Do you want to come and get a slice of pizza or something? - Yeah? Really? Oh, I'd love to, man.

Mickey · Bret:Um, I'm going to a White Supremacist gig. It's gonna be awesome. - Oh yeah? Well, we'll probably just get the pizza.

Murray · Bret:Bret, you were talking about it last week. - I was saying it's boring. - Oh, were you? Well, you were still talking about it.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bye, Murray. - Bye. You gonna say 'bye'? - No!

Bret · Coco:The carrots were really nice. And the broccoli was really nice as well. Yeah. It did turn out really nice. Yeah, really nice. It was really nice. Yeah, it was really nice.

Bret:Like your eyes... I could look at them for ages. The eggs were really nice like your lips. So... your lips look delicious like... as delicious as the eggs. Probably more delicious.

Jemaine · Bret:It's a bit long. - Okay. - It's two hours long.

Jemaine · Bret:Would you actually do that? - Probably not.

Jemaine · Bret:Well, you're sort of promising that you would. - That's a metaphor. - Oh, is it? Oh okay. - Yeah. - What's it a metaphor for? - For... that I'd do anything for her. - Would you climb the highest mountain for her?

Jemaine · Bret:I would hang out with you. - Oh, that's good. That's really... - That's not bad. That's a lyric of mine. You can use that.

Bret:She has a rash that she doesn't tell anyone about.

Bret · Jemaine:If You're Into It [entire song]

Bret:She doesn't like... she doesn't want to go to a strip bar again.

Bret · Jemaine:Coco said that the other night when I went to the bathroom that she felt like you... like made a move on her. - Yep. Yep, guilty, I did.

Murray · Coco · Bret · Jemaine:It's a rare thing, what you've got there. - Hi, I'm not disturbing you guys, am I? - Hey, Coco. - No, come in. - We're busy at the moment actually.

Coco · Bret · Jemaine:I had some spare time last night, and... [shows poster] - Whoa, that's awesome. - Well, it's really arty.

Jemaine · Bret:Oh-no, she isn't. Jemaine, you're putting 'oh no' together to sound like 'Ono.' - Oh-no, I didn't. - You did it again.

Bret · Jemaine:Don't be such a... a dickhead. - Yeah well, I'm quitting this band. - Yeah. - Well, you quit last week. - Yeah well, I'm quitting again.

Bret:Dear Jemaine, by the time you read this, I will be far far away at Coco's house

Jemaine · Bret:Lives are like retractable pencils / If you push 'em too hard, they're gonna break / And people are like paper dolls

Jemaine · Bret:You search on the roll / You search on the roll / You're searchin' round the roll / You search with your fingernail / Again and again and again and again / And again

Jemaine · Bret:Are you sure? - Yeah. - Oh, I thought you... I was sure you were gonna say the band.

Bret · Jemaine:I've been thinking about love, and I guess it's the very strongest adhesive. Oh, sorry, Bret, were you talking to me? I was humming.

Jemaine · Bret:Tickle tickle tickle! Hey Bret, how come you don't tickle me anymore?

Jemaine · Bret:I'm not even ticklish. / Aren't you? / No, I'm faking it. / Really? / Yeah she's faking it as well, I think.

Bret · Jemaine:What's that, man? / Oh didn't you hear that? / What did you say? I wasn't listening.

Bret:Was it because of the towel? / Because I used your towel and I got athlete's foot.

Bret:Is it my mold farm? / Are you sick of my mold farm? / Is it aspergillus fumigatus?

Bret:When we were at school and you said you got a hickey from Judy Bailey, / I told everyone it was the vacuum cleaner. / Was a perfectly round hickey. / She had a perfectly round mouth anyways...

Bret:Is it because sometimes I'll sneak in when you're sleeping and give you a little kiss on the cheek?

Bret · Jemaine:Is it because I ask too many questions? / No. / Was it something subtle? / Yes it's subtle, Bret. / Is it because I eat too loudly? / Yes.

Jemaine · Bret:I don't know how you do it. / Well, I eat with my mouth shut. / I don't know how you do it.

Bret · Murray:What about a planet of, um, diamonds and rubies? / No. / Well, it would be nice. / A lot of things would be nice, Bret, particularly if they were real.

Murray · Bret · Others:Here, eat this. / Oh yeah. Whoa. / Who's eating? / Greg, did you hear that?

Mel · Bret:I was walking my dog. / Look, is this your new place, Jemaine? / It's crazy. I was just walking past here. / That's so weird. I didn't even know you'd moved. / How could I know? / Yeah, where's your dog?

Bret · Jemaine:More like a compartment. / A compartment. Not an apartment... / Is that a joke? / Yeah. / That's pretty good. / You did get it, eh? / Yeah that's a good one. / Because it's small.

Jemaine · Sally · Bret:No, I don't think so. / Well, he's waving at us. / It looks like him, but I don't think it's him. / Jemaine, Sally! / No, that's not him. / It's me, Bret.

Bret:Oh, that's just Coco. / It's his long-term girlfriend. / Yeah, just a friend.

Bret · Sally:Well she can't go. It's her birthday, the 14th. / I think, maybe. / Yeah, no, that's right.

Bret · Jemaine:Do you think that looks like Sally's eyes? / I don't know, Bret. I don't think about her as much as you do.

Sally · Bret:See, that's me, and that's some really weird kind of wolf. / Well, it's difficult to draw a wolf, so I used a picture of myself and then adjusted it.

Jemaine · Bret:But I don't just love and need you / I love and need and want you too / I don't just love and need you / I love and need and want you too too / Yeah, well, I love, need and want you too too too / There's too many of those / It's just ridiculous

Bret:Well, he's basically said just the same thing / I think he's been looking over at my bit of paper / Except for the girlfriend bit

Jemaine · Bret:Because you and me we were meant to be / Bret's got a girlfriend / Yeah, but Sally and me, we were meant to be / Bret, you got a girlfriend

Bret · Jemaine:Oh, Coco told me to tell you you're dumped. / Oh... oh, sorry, man. / What?

Bret · Jemaine:She said to say that you've been ignoring her / and that you're clearly still in love with Sally, / which I agree with, actually... / That's not true. / She said you'd say that and she said to say / it is true and you know it.

Bret · Jemaine:No buts, she said to say. / Well, did she say we could talk about it? / She said we are talking about it. / Well, we're not though are we? / Well, no. / I don't know what she meant by that.

Bret · Jemaine:It's too late. It's over, you bastard. / What, did she call me a bastard? / Uh, no sorry, I added that bit. / Oh, okay. / I got carried away.

Bret:Well she told me to do that. / I was supposed to start with that actually, / I'm sorry, I forgot.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Jemaine: Yes. Murray: Yes. Bret? Bret: No. Murray: What do you mean no? Bret: I'm not here. Murray: You're not here? Bret: No. Murray: Where are you? Bret: No, I was just joking.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Photo of Gemma's 21st birthday with Murray circling random cousins thinking they're the band

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Photo of Jemaine with ex-girlfriend Clea but with Bret's head superimposed

Bret · Jemaine:I made it. I made this one. You can't take my personal photos and stick other people's heads over... I loved that photo.

Bret · Jemaine:Sometimes I'm glad that we don't live in New Zealand anymore. 'Cause of all those penguins. - Remember how there'd be penguins?

Bret:Yeah... no.

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine repeatedly asking if Bret is bulimic when Bret just wants to eat more

Bret · Jemaine:Bret asking for compliments and Jemaine refusing because 'it'd be weird'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine dressed as David Bowie claiming 'It's 1972 David Bowie from the Ziggy Stardust tour'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Wow, you look a lot like Jemaine' Jemaine: 'No, I'm David Bowie'

Bret:Bret's guinea pig and giraffe dream descriptions

Jemaine · Bret:Bowie's advice: 'Get an eye patch, man' and Bret already having one

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:It's a company that sells greeting cards. - Greeting cards? - But you know those ones that open up and they have a tune in them?

Jemaine · Bret:1980 David Bowie confirming that putting a wig on a sleeping friend isn't gay

Jemaine/Bowie · Bret:Do something absolutely outrageous. - Like what? - Well, you'll know what to do, Bret. And you'll know exactly when the time is right.

Mel · Bret:Well, you're looking good today, Bret. Very hot. - Thank you. - Hotter than Jemaine.

Murray · Bret:Um, you were bulimic recently. - I wasn't... I wasn't bulimic. - He's not now, he's fine now. - I'm not bulimic. - Little touch of that. - I wasn't bulimic. - It's cleared up.

Bret:Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Waha!

Bret · Murray:Lightning bolts painted on Bret's penis

Jemaine/Bowie · Bret:I'm going to a party. I'm already 20 minutes late. - Sounds cool. Where's the party? In space, Bret. In space.

Bret · Jemaine:'Bowie's in Space' song - entire musical number

Bret:'Do you want to borrow my jumper, Bowie? / Does the space cold make your nipples go pointy, Bowie?'

Bret:'Do you use your pointy nipples / As telescopic antennae to transmit data back to Earth?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Do you have one really funky sequined space suit / Or do you have several ch-changes?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Do you smoke grass out in space, Bowie? / Or do they smoke... / AstroTurf?'

Bret:Bret's innocent conclusion about confidence after the space song

Bret · Murray:Is it a really big biscuit? - It's not a biscuit! I said no biscuit. It's not gonna be another kind, is it?

Bret · Murray:Can I get a copy of that, Murray? - No no, 'cause that would cost more than 50¢, and then we'd... we'd be down, wouldn't we?

Bret · Jemaine:Final reprise of 'Bowie's in Space' with vocal flourishes

Bret:Don't... don't forget to get me my, uh, banana.

Bret:Oh, great. This is my favorite box.

Murray · Bret:That's not a DVD, by the way. Yes, it is. Dubbed video dub.

Murray · Bret:I moved in with you guys for a month. I was upset, remember? Oh, is that why you were there?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:You talked me down off the roof. Ah, yes yes. Remember? No.

Jemaine · Bret:Are you crying over the kids' show? Yes. So?

Jemaine · Dave · Bret:Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. You hate us? Yeah. Sometimes. But you're our best friend. I know.

Bret:There's a dog in the New Zealand section.

Bret · Fruit Vendor:You... are you counting in your head? Yeah. What are you up to? Seven. Oh.

Jemaine · Bret:Too Many Mutha'uckers song

Murray · Bret:# Hi. # I like it. Yeah? 'Hi'? Yep. Is that it? Yeah.

Murray · Bret:it's inappropriate. I can't say that in the workplace, can I? Too much mumbling. Yeah, a lot of it was inaudible.

Bret · Library Worker:Do you have the new Gipsy Kings cassette? Let me check. Yes, we have it. I would like to reserve it. I'll put it aside for you. Excellent. Goodbye.

Bret:With telephones, you make the call.

Dave · Bret:Say a comeback to him! Banana balls! You look like a... a something... like a banana balls.

Jemaine · Dave · Bret:What is the bird? What's that? That's the bird. Well, that bird doesn't have any wings. It's only got one leg.

Bret · Dave:try putting some wings on your bird. There we go. That's much nicer. But you don't wanna be nice.

Fruit Vendor · Jemaine · Bret:Throw another shrimp on the barbie. Ride around on your kangaroos all day. No no no no. That's Australians.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Leggy Blonde song

Bret:You've gotta come in there with me. I can't go in there by myself and buy a croissant, can I? She'll think I'm weird.

Bret:Stop comparing everything to 'Top Gun.' It's not... this situation's nothing like 'Top Gun.'

Bret:We've been out here talking about it for two hours now.

Bret · Jemaine:Be more subtle about it. Mmm, that's true.

Bret · Jemaine:Non. - Oh.

Bret · Jemaine:They're having a nice conversation. Yep. Do you like having nice conversations? No. Nope.

Bret · Jemaine:You are talking to Lisa. - Am I? - Yeah. Right, well that's obviously what's happened. We should swap.

Bret · Jemaine:I'm actually feeling a little bit tired though. I think maybe we should go. - No.

Bret:I don't want to go too fast, you know. I don't want her to think that I'm easy.

Bret:Do you think I dress too provocatively?

Jemaine · Bret:I think you're showing a little too much arm. - Am I? - Mmm. Yeah, you look a little cheap.

Bret · Jemaine:# Who likes to rock the party? # # He likes to rock the party. #

Bret:Bret, how long do you wait until you let a girl come upstairs? Three years.

Bret:'A Kiss is Not a Contract' song

Bret:# Doesn't mean it's all about poontang #

Bret:# They call it a fly because it takes you up to heaven #

Bret:They call it a fly because it takes you up to heaven

Bret · Jemaine:Well, it turns out she's very aggressive. Did she hit you? No, she wanted to go all the way.

Jemaine · Bret:I thought you already did go all the way. No, now she wants to have sex.

Bret:She jumped on top of me and then touched me on the penis.

Bret · Jemaine:It's like that scene from 'Top Gun.' You know your favorite scene in 'Top Gun'? - I don't know that movie.

Lisa · Bret:Because tomorrow, Bret, I ship out to Iraq. Iraq? Yeah, I'm in Delta Force, Bret.

Bret:It was over in five minutes. I mean, she fell asleep.

Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, Iraq. - Iraq? - Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah. But she works in the croissant shop.

Bret:She's a pastry chef and a sniper.

Jemaine · Bret:Cheer up, Bret. Mmm, it's the talking stove. Things'll work out.

Bret · Murray:How many have you sold? One. But I would have liked to have gotten a few more out than that.

Bret · Murray:This one's got sawdust in it. Oh my God. Did you buy some sawdust as well?

Bret · Murray:Did you want to buy sawdust, though? / Bret, no! I bought the CDs, didn't I?

Jemaine · Bret:I was thinking she was too good for you. She was actually too good for me. Yes, a bit too pretty for you.

Bret:I'm Bret.

Bret:Wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest gig ever.

Bret:Yeah, you crossed out 'bus,' and you wrote 'bus.'

Bret:Well, it's only the middle of the afternoon, though.

Bret:There's hardly anyone here.

Murray · Bret:You must have followed him, did you? What, don't you think I'm capable of a classic rock 'n' roll move?

Bret · Jemaine:Gotta be in exactly the right place. It's your turn to hold it, man. My arms are sore.

Bret:No, I picked them out.

Bret · Jemaine:Do we? Pfft. Do we? Yeah, it's... everyone plays it. It's our national sport.

Bret:Bret Bret? No, just joking. It's McKenzie.

Bret:Throw another shrimp on the barbie. Crikey! Wha!

Bret:On sea horses?

Bret · Jemaine:Mermaids song sequence

Bret:we've been waiting for five hours

Bret:Oh no, that's my autograph.

Murray · Bret:Well that's what happened. The Amer... on American cars, the hand brake's on this side. Oh, I must have just adjusted the seat.

Bret:Well, we all... we've all made a mistake each, so it sort of evens out.

Murray · Bret:I'm so angry I feel like swearing. Oh Murray, you wouldn't swear at us. Go fuck yourself, Bret!

Bret · Jemaine:But get it wet and it snugs up, it'll shrink... shrink to fit. Yeah, I can't even get mine off.

Murray · Bret:Where's yours? - It's on my chair.

Bret · Murray:'Cause there was probably only one entry. - No, there was hundreds, actually. - Really? - Yep. They're all from Mel.

Bret:Yeah, well, that's 'cause I'm not a fan of the band. I'm more a fan of popular bands like the Bee Gees, Pearl Jam.

Bret · Murray:World Music Jam? We don't play world music. Do we? - Yes. Where's New Zealand from if it's not from the world?

Bret · Jemaine:There's a lot of hot women here. - Yeah. - Look at those two. - Whoa. Whew.

Bret · Jemaine:Ladies song with increasingly absurd nationality descriptors culminating in 'Amphibian Lady' and 'Presbyterian Lady'

Bret · Jemaine:Hermaphrodite Lady-man lady / All you sexy hermaphrodite lady-man ladies

Bret · Jemaine:If every soldier in the world / Put down his weapon and picked up a woman / What a peaceful world this world would be

Bret · Jemaine:Redheads not warheads / Blondes not bombs / We're talking about brunettes not fighter jets

Bret · Jemaine:Sweet 16s not M-16s

Bret:Where every lady gets a little piece of Bretty

Bret:I don't care if you're ugly or you're skanky or you're small / Just want to do a little something special for you all

Bret · Jemaine:Song opening with extensive tuning: A, B... A... D, G, G, G... G, G, G... G...

Bret · Jemaine:Who likes to rock the party? / I like to rock the party

Murray · Bret:Different start to the song. - What were you doing there? - No, it's the same.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I bought you guys a beer. - I don't even drink beer. - I don't drink it either. - Just drink it, will you?

Jemaine · Bret:I do things for my image... make it more rock 'n' roll with the goatee and everything. I don't like this goatee. I hate it. - Makes you look like a goat, doesn't it? - Yeah, exactly.

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:Tell you what, maybe if I pretend to go to the toilet, you guys see if they're looking at me. - Okay? - Yep.

Bret · Murray:I was hoping to dress something like Prince. Kind of erogenous, huh? - Yeah, but toned down a bit, like, Prince if he was just going to the zoo or the supermarket. - Casual Prince?

Bret · Dave:Is that a woman's blouse? - No. - Looks like a blouse. - No no no. This is what you're looking for, man. That's totally Prince.

Dave · Bret:Dude, you think I live with my parents? - Oh, is that your dad, though? - No. That's just some old, crotchety Indian couple that I sublet to.

Bret · Dave:The weird thing is they look like me. They've got photos of themselves with you as a kid. - I know. It's creepy. I think they make them on the computer.

Bret:That's nice, like... kind of like bad weather.

Mel · Bret:But you don't drink beer, Bret. - I drink it all the time. - I thought it always made you go to the toilet.

Bret · Doug:Oh, hey, Bret. - Are you gonna come up for dinner? - Uh, no. This is Mel's special day. Besides, I'm... I'm happy down here.

Mel · Bret:Those girls, I don't trust them, Bret. They have no interest in you as musicians. They just want to... - Just want to what? - They want to do it with you, Bret. - Sex?

Bret · Jemaine:I have a cold. - So I won't. - Yeah. I've also got the same cold. It's airborne.

Jemaine · Bret:Maybe just half my half again. - I'll just have a 16th.

Bret:Oh, flub!

Bret · Jemaine:Pretty Prince of Parties drug song with nonsensical lyrics

Jemaine · Bret:I'm going to suggest that we have a threesome. - Oh. - I just have to go and talk to Bret quickly.

Jemaine · Bret:You got to go home. - Why? - Because I've been offered a threesome. - What about me? - No, you're not included.

Bret · Jemaine:You got it wrong. They want me in the threesome. - What? That's not a threesome, that's a foursome.

Bret · Jemaine:You got it wrong. They want me in the threesome. - What? That's not a threesome, that's a foursome.

Bret · Jemaine:You ever had a threesome? - Nearly. - What you mean, nearly? - I had a twosome.

Jemaine · Bret:Yeah, I've done that. I've had a one-way and a two-way. - Oh no, I've had a twosome!

Bret · Summer:Summer, where's Rain? - Oh, Rain went home. She didn't want to be here while we were all having a threesome.

Bret · Jemaine:Extended threesome negotiation in bathroom with both deciding not to participate

Bret · Jemaine:Are you doing it? - You're not doing it? - No. - Okay, I won't do it. - Well, if you're not doing it, then I think I'm... yeah, I'm gonna do it.

Bret · Murray:How many fans have we got now? - None. Empty club. I've put a note here... no one.

Bret · Jemaine:Last night, did you... look? - We agreed never to talk about this. - Yeah, but did you look?

Jemaine · Bret:I opened them a little bit so I could see what I was doing. - What were you doing with that chair?

Bret · Jemaine:You weren't in the threesome? - No, I was resting. Actually, me and her both took a break for a while. You were just up there by yourself.

Jemaine · Bret:It was terrible. / It was just the wrong sort of crowd. / You can't call that a crowd. / Yeah, three's a crowd.

Ben/Actor · Bret:So where are you guys from? The Julliard School of the Performing Arts? / We're from New Zealand.

Bret · Ben/Actor:This says 'Dry Cleaners.' / The other side. Written in pencil.

Jemaine · Bret:I tried to talk to a guy but he told me to shut up 'cause he was reading the paper. / Oh, you don't disturb people reading the paper, Jemaine. Could be big news he was getting into.

Bret · Jemaine:What about if we give out some free pencils? / No, you're not in New Zealand now, Bret. / I know, but we gave them out, remember that? We got a box of 20 pencils... and that night... 20 people.

Bret · Jemaine:We brought you a cake in the shape / Of a four and a three / 'Cause we all thought you were 43

Bret · Jemaine:You've got a wife, though she comes and go-o-oes

Bret · Jemaine:People will call you 'Ginger Balls' / They'll call you 'Ginger Balls' / But those people don't know what they see / They just see Ginger Balls

Bret · Ben/Actor:Could you do it in your normal voice, maybe? / No. That's not acting.

Bret · Murray:I think you've offered us a rejection deal. / No no, he's offered us a record acceptance deal.

Murray · Bret:I haven't seen many music deals. / Any. You haven't seen any. / I haven't seen any.

Bret · Jemaine:Many spies have many eyes! (in LOTR song)

Bret · Jemaine:I know it's hard when you're little more than 3'4" / Your little ass so close to the floor

Bret · Jemaine:I don't rap about bitches and hos / I rap about witches and trolls

Bret · Jemaine:The magical bling-bling / You'll never be the Lord of the Rings

Murray · Ben · Bret:The drinks are on us! / Well, welcome to your new life, eh? / More champagne? / Uh, no, I'm just having water. / Water? Unsuccessful people have water. You're on champagne now.

Ben/Actor · Bret:Stefan is his own person. / It looked like you. / You play Stefan. / Stefan works through me. He's like a spirit.

Bret · Ben/Actor:Um, this is a laundry ticket. / Yes. But I will send you the money as soon as I get to Hollywood.

Ben/Actor · Bret:Martin Scorsese is doing a movie about a dry cleaner. / What's it called? / 'Dry Cleaner.'

Jemaine · Bret:Bret... he's acting. / You think that was acting? / He's acting. / God, he's good. / He is good. He's very good.

Murray · Bret · Todd:Do you want me to go back to item one? / Yeah, go back to item one. / Item one: Todd. Yeah, he's the new band member. / Hi. / Right. Item two...

Murray · Bret:Come on, Todd, we're having a private band meeting. / No, I mean without Todd.

Bret · Todd:I dance when I'm angry. / When you're angry? Who dances when they're angry?

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:He's the Pied Piper of cool. / Pied Piper was a good musician, wasn't he? / He was cool. / He wasn't cool. / Yes, he was. / He took all those kids into a cave.

Jemaine · Bret:You're too easily offended. / I can't believe you just said that.

Jemaine · Bret:I told him he was fired, he pushed me. / Then he said that you should be fired because you're the one holding us back. / Well, I hit him.

Bret · Jemaine:You were only over there for like 20 seconds. / Yeah, after about 20 seconds it kind of made sense.

Bret:I'm not Gloria Estefan, all right?

Bret · Todd:Do you guys need to borrow my amp? / Bret, you're pathetic, man. We don't need a roadie, okay?

Bret:It's called the Original Flight of the Conchords. You guys can be called Flight of the Condors, or whatever.

Murray · Bret · Demetri · Todd:Does he play any other instruments? No. Come on, what? Is that what you want? I'm gonna break your keytar. I'm gonna break your keytar. You think I care?

Bret · Jemaine:It's going pretty good, except that he copies my moves. / What moves? / My dance moves. / You don't have dance moves.

Bret · Mel:Hey, you got one of the Crazy Dogggz t-shirts. / No. / It says Crazy Dogggz on it.

Bret · Murray:How giant is it? / That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.

Murray · Bret · Murray:Giant Stadium. / How giant is it? / That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.

Bret:I thought we had sold five.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:They called me to say that you stole a cushion. - Did you? - Mm-hmm. - Yes.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:'dear Murray, We want to fire you as our manager.' - What? - What?

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Now look at you. - We're poor and we've got no gigs. - We're slightly poorer.

Murray · Bret:I can get you another shoe... it's not about the shoe... Not a problem. What size are you?

Bret · Murray:What about your 'best management' award? That's fake as well.

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:What would you be doing behind the scenes? - Having dinner? - Going to the movies? - Relaxing?

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Um, higgling. - Higgling? - Yeah, do you know what that means? - Is that a word that you just made up? - It's made-up, yeah

Bret · Murray:How'd you get the jacket so realistic? - Yeah, that's real denim.

Bret:Underscore is your middle name, is it?

Bret · Jemaine:♪ some women like men ♪ ♪ some are lesbian ♪ ♪ femident toothpaste. ♪

Bret:Nah. Weaving is a man's game... I come from a family of weavers.

Jemaine · Bret:I thought your dad was a sheep lawyer. Yeah, during the day, but at night he weaves a lot.

Jemaine · Bret:Women's rights. - No, that's more of a man's thing, isn't it? ... my father's a women's rights activist. Dad wouldn't allow that.

Bret · Murray:It's easier than easy. - Oh, okay, so you're telling me It was unbelievably easy.

Murray · Bret:So I've got... so you're normal... - No, I'm bad. - You're bad? - I've got three...

Dave · Bret:How much would you give me for this? - A dollar. - Double it... - Sold! I just made him pay Nearly 10 times what he wanted to pay

Bret · Dave:I thought it was an exercise. - Yeah, you've got to learn the whole lesson.

Bret:some of them aren't about toothpaste, They're just things in our life.

Martin · Bret:The fee is $1,000 each. - Sorry, now I'll say it. Double it. - I am doubling it. It was going to be $500 each.

Murray · Bret:That's the glovebox there. Ah. Oh.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I'm persona non regates. - You know what that means? - No. - You're not at yacht race?

Murray · Bret:Are they woven? Wow. - These are man-made.

Bret · Jemaine:♪ you are a woman, you wear women's wear ♪ ♪ you have breasts and longish hair, oh yeah ♪

Bret:Is it just a bit of card? ... Just a card, a greenish card? ... Is it like a library card?

Bret:We've got blue robes on. We're not wearing anything...

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Bad news, guys: Your passports aren't ready. - Do you have them? - No, they're in my cupboard. - You just said you had them. - I've got them in my cupboard.

Murray · Bret:Good managing, eh, guys? - Murray, it couldn't have possibly gone worse.

Bret · Jemaine:♪ there are angels ♪ ♪ in the clouds ♪ ♪ doing it ♪

Bret · Jemaine:What's that? - It's a cup. What, a new cup? Yeah, I got a new cup. Do you like it? - We've got a cup. - Yeah, we've got one cup. We needed two cups.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, do you even pay any attention to the cup roster? - Your cup roster.

Bret · Jemaine:That means I can't drink a cup of tea between 7:00 and 9:00 pm. Well, I have it till 9:00 and then you get it for two hours. Then I use it from 11:00 till 1:00. You use it from 1:00 till 3:00.

Bret:And then we give the cup a rest.

Jemaine · Bret:How much was that cup again? $2.79. Oh, that's quite interesting, isn't it?

Bret:Stink.

Jemaine · Bret:Ah. We got a letter from the electricity company. What did it say? Didn't read it.

Jemaine · Bret:We got a letter from the electricity company. What did it say? Didn't read it.

Jemaine · Bret:The bass. It's called a bass. Well, I call it the dad guitar, 'cause it's more like a... 'I'm your dad. Hey, Murray, get into the shed and get the mower... do the lawn.'

Bret:You need Bret's mum guitar to add the beautiful tones. 'Come on, now. Murray's okay. He's with me. Why you get home so late, Gordon?' 'I was having a few beers.'

Bret:You'd have to be deaf to hear that.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Two stars. - Two stars? - Two stars. - You can't give us two stars, Murray. Two out of five stars? Well, I wish it was, but it's out of 100.

Bret:Mainly people who need to drink from far away.

Bret:I know it sounds good, but it's actually pretty dressing.

Jemaine · Bret:- Bret does. - No. - I don't. You do. - Bret does. - I don't, but Bret does. - He does. - Jemaine's the one for that. - Bret always does that.

Bret · Mel:I'm just doing it very gently to begin with. - Are you... I can't really feel it. I wanna feel it.

Mel · Bret:Should I lay down? No no, this is good. Maybe I should take off some clothes... no no, that's good.

Bret:I'm just patting her.

Bret:'Cause we never get sex or get paid.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, the ladies go crazy for my sugarlumps. - Your what?

Bret:You should be the prostitute. You bought the cup.

Jemaine · Bret:And also, I think you're gonna have to go the whole way. You can't just hug them. Just hugs until I get more confident.

Jemaine · Bret:How many straws does it take to make a superstraw? Five. What's the total cost of those five straws? Two-fift... oh.

Bret:The Mormon tabernacle choir. Boyz ii men. Bobby mcferrin. Pavarotti.

Bret:¶ you can say no to being a night-look, a boy hook, a red boy bro-ho ¶

Bret:¶ do you have any other skills... like typing? ¶

Bret:No no, I'm just the guy that wears the big condom.

Bret:¶ eminem is not very good ¶ ¶ 50 cent is not very good ¶ ¶ Snoop dogg is not very good ¶ ¶ mos def is not very good ¶ ¶ but the rhymenoceros is very very good... ¶

Bret:bass solo. Bass solo over.

Bret · Murray:No, it was Snoop dogg. - I know he's a dog, Bret.

Jemaine · Bret:¶ some people say that rappers don't have feelings ¶ ¶ we have feelings ¶

Jemaine · Bret:¶ we're vincible ¶

Bret:¶ I feel like a prize asshole, no one even mentions my casserole ¶

Bret:¶ you could've said something nice about my profita rolls ¶

Bret:¶ they're all lined up to watch that movie 'maid in Manhattan' ¶

Bret:¶ they're all lined up to watch that movie 'maid in Manhattan' ¶

Bret:¶ were you ever called 'homo' because at school you took Drama? ¶

Bret:¶ have you ever been told that you look like a llama? ¶

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Death? - Yeah, or worse. Isn't it the same way with rappers back in newfoundland? - I'm not sure. - New zealand.

Dave · Bret:I was a navy seal for 15 years. - Okay. - I'm officially awol, so don't ask them about my existence, 'cause they'll deny it.

Dave · Bret:I'm available most days after 6:00 but not weekends... and I can't say why. Dinner with your parents? Huh! No.

Bret:I have a bladder thing.

Bret:We were just expecting missy Elliot was gonna come and chop my body off.

Murray · Bret:This gang is disbandoned. - No. Dis... what? - Disbandoned. - Disbanded you mean? - Abandoned? Yup, all of those things.

Bret · Dave:Mos def, the guy from 'law & order: SUV'? No, that's ice cube, but keep an eye out for him.

Bret:¶ not gonna sleep till I found him ¶ ¶ I'll pound him, I'll bet he regrets ¶ ¶ he ever messed with Bret from the tough brets! ¶

Bret · Dave:Sorry. You could get 10 years for that.

Bret:How come I'm wearing gumboots?

Bret · Murray:No. We don't really have any slow songs. So that's a clear 'no' from you, Bret.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:What's the friendship realm? Well, you've heard of a realm? Yes. Well, this is like a friendship one.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Who's Jim? Jim's my best friend. We've never heard of Jim. Well, if you guys were my friends, you'd know who my other friend was... Jim.

Bret · Jemaine:Oh, there's Mel. Go go go.

Bret:I'm not sure I want to eat my own face. I almost did on the way over here. The lips are very prominent.

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Wouldn't it be fantastic if the world was more like your dreams? No. Yeah.

Bret · Murray:Present. No, you don't need to say 'present.' We're just friends.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Build a fort? That's the sort of stuff I do with Jim. Who's Jim? Jim, my friend Jim. We're not Jim.

Bret · Murray:I like having a bath, but... well, we're not gonna have a bath, Bret.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:This is what we used to do in the New Zealand army. Do you see children in the army, Jemaine? No, you don't. Well, actually you do, Bret, in some armies, but not the good ones, not the New Zealand army.

Murray · Bret:Remember I showed you my New Zealand army uniform... the green t-shirt and the green shorts? Oh, I thought that was your underwear.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Bret, I feel like you're my brother. And, Jemaine, you're our dad. Go to sleep, Murray. Good night, dad. Good night, graeme.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Can I be Chandler? No, I'm Chandler. But I'm more like Chandler... I say witty things. I have witticisms. No, you don't. You're mopey.

Bret · Murray:Can I be Chandler? - No, I'm Chandler. But I'm more like Chandler... I say witty things. I have witticisms.

Murray · Bret:It's a naked woman's body... see the breasts? Oh, I thought it was a monster with big ears. No no, they're breasts.

Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Rapid-fire questioning sequence: Rock? Yeah. Funk? Yes. Country? Yeah. Hair band? Yes. [continues] Jazz fusion? Yeah. No. Cool.

Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Jazz fusion? - Yeah. - No. - Cool.

Jim · Jemaine · Bret:What do you call that style of haircut? Bret cuts it. Ask him. Oh, I just call that the 'Jemaine.'

Bret · Jim · Jemaine:I ride an exercycle and run up and down the stairs in our apartment each day. How many stairs in your apartment, Jemaine? 75.

Jim · Jemaine · Bret:Favorite part of the newspaper? Uh, pages? Nope. Uh, articles? I don't really have a favorite part... I like the stories about animals when they've escaped from the zoo.

Bret:I like the stories about animals when they've escaped from the zoo.

Mel · Bret:I don't want to say, Bret, but I think you should probably apologize. I'm not gonna apologize. It was a dream.

Bret · Mel:Did I apologize in your dream? No, you did not. That's a shame. I should've apologized in the dream.

Bret · Mel:Did I apologize in your dream? - No, you did not. - That's a shame. I should've apologized in the dream.

Bret · Jim:Hi, Jim, it's Bret. Oh, hey, Bret. How's it going? Did you hear my message? Yeah. When did you hear it? Just now. What did you think about my message?

Jim · Bret:Do you like the color light blue? Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, I do.

Jemaine · Bret · Jim · Murray:Because he's a dick. Because... we're busy. Did Jemaine just call me a dick? Um, yes. Bret, don't tell him that!

Jemaine · Bret · Jim:Because he's a dick. - Why not? - Because... we're busy... just really busy at the moment. Did Jemaine just call me a dick?

Bret · Murray:Table's not really wide enough. What's going on?! Table tennis. This is no good. I need my desk to work on.

Bret · Murray:Well, then we can play doubles. You're gonna have to go away. I thought we'd gone to the next level... friends level.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I got him drunk and he told me that you called him a dick. I do call you a dick sometimes. Same. I've called you a dick before.

Bret · Murray:Oh, the clamp ones. - Yeah. So that's down again.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Not cool enough. - You two? - Yes, we're not that cool. - Yeah, everyone looks pretty cool. - They're cooler than us.

David · Bret · Jemaine:Hey, guys, too many dicks. What? Too many dicks. What's that, man? Too many. You guys are dorking up my vibe with all the dicks.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, I think she might be Australian. Are you sure she's Australian? Either she's Australian or she really likes Australia.

Bret · Jemaine:She's got a man's name. Keitha, that's a lovely name.

Bret · Jemaine:Did you use protection? Yes, but only on my penis.

Bret · Jemaine:That's all red. That's lipstick. It's crabs. It's not crabs. It's crabs. It's lipstick.

Bret · Murray:Jemaine slept with an Australian. What?! Jemaine slept with an Australian. No, I heard you. I said 'what' as in I heard you but I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Murray · Bret:Jemaine's a good-looking guy, isn't he? There he goes. Yeah, he's listening.

Murray · Bret:You know, guys, in the old days the sailors used to fall for them. Yeah, they hadn't seen a woman for weeks and the australians would lure them to the bottom of the sea and they'd drown. Oh, that's mermaids. That's mermaids you're thinking of.

Jemaine · Bret:That was a misunderstanding. You were wearing a vest top. A my mom gave me that. She thought it made me look like bruce willis. Well, it didn't. It made you look like an Australian.

Keitha · Murray · Bret:See you later, big j. Let's go, little b. Okay, little m. Medium m.

Jemaine · Bret:Uh, it's you putting on a woman's voice pretending to be keitha breaking up with me. It's clearly you, Bret. I don't think so. It's obviously you putting on a woman's voice.

Jemaine · Bret:She's not from wollongong. Shh. She's from wollamaloo.

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine, did I show you my gloves that look like my hands? Get off. Get off. Let go of my glove. Ow, that's actually my hand.

David · Bret · Murray:Wait a second. Which one are you? This is Bret. Bret. Okay. Yeah, not looking for me.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, have you seen keitha? She robbed us. Her and her friends jumped me and taped me to the door.

Jemaine · Bret:Did she mention me at all? No, sorry, man. I'm not sure about her and me.

Jemaine · Bret:Can I get a hug? Huh? Can I get a hug? Hug? No. No. A hug? Unfair. I'm not participating in this hug.

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine doing impressions of Bret's mom saying 'Do it now!' and 'Oh, hello, Bret'

Bret:'I've got a cramp' - Bret interrupting the impression game

Bret:'it's serious, I'm delirious' - Rhyming escalation

Bret:'all I know, dawg, is that she's careless with her dog' - Bret's assessment of Barbara

Bret · Jemaine:The escalating 'then/there/when' exchange between Bret and Jemaine

Bret:'no, about 23 seconds ago' - Bret's precise correction to Jemaine's timing estimate

Bret:'Eugene, stop the track' - Bret breaking the fourth wall of their song

Bret · Jemaine:'no, I'm thinking what I'm thinking' and the subsequent thinking confusion

Bret · Jemaine:Brahbrah vs Barbara name argument in song

Bret · Jemaine:'white chocolate skin' - poetic description of Barbara in song

Bret · Jemaine:'she had her eye on my knee' / 'she had her eye on my guns' / 'she was checking out my buns'

Bret · Jemaine:'the girl that's fly with the wonky eye' / 'she's smoking with an eye that's broken'

Bret:'I think it's hot the way she looks left a lot' - finding the lazy eye attractive

Barbara · Bret:'He's in a kitten costume. It was for a party.' 'Halloween?' 'No, it was a kitten party.'

Murray · Bret:'Where were you?' 'I was at jazzercise.' 'Jazzercise?'

Bret · Murray:'Yeah, I paid for five and I got six classes. And you've got to go to them?'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:'It's a song about... pepileptic dogs.' 'Epileptic dogs.' 'Mine's about dogs with epilepsy.'

Bret · Jemaine:'How many people do you know who are pro-aids?' 'No one's pro-aids.'

Bret · Barbara:Bret calling Barbara 'brahbrah' and her not correcting him

Barbara · Bret:'He seems smart too, with his glasses.' 'they make him look smart, but he's not smart. He wears those because he has weak vision.'

Bret:'He reminds me more of a bearded lady.'

Bret:'He reminds me more of a bearded lady' - Bret's counter to Barbara liking Jemaine's beard

Jemaine · Bret:'But I'm also organizing a benefit to try and raise some money for these poor prophylactic dogs.' 'Epileptic.' 'Epileptic.'

Murray · Bret:Piano confusion during recording - 'What, with your feet? I can't see one.'

Bret · Jemaine:The challenge to a duel over Barbara

Bret:'send a check in the letter to make a setter feel better'

Bret:'I thought they were dancing' - Bret mistaking seizures for dancing

Bret:Bret asking if the queen will be at the president meeting

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray giving Jemaine clothes and Bret a wig, trying to disguise it as gifts

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The karaoke bar 'gig' explanation and Murray's defense

Murray · Bret:$50? $50 each.

Bret · Jemaine:Why are you wearing your art garfunkel costume? I don't know. She just prefers me to wear it.

Bret · Prime Minister:They'd be very small, almost like crumbs. 900... I think that's too many. Try and split the difference.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Hey, when did he go? When did that guy leave? Yeah, he... he snuck out. Possibly as early as the first song.

Murray · Bret:Morning, prime minister. Thank you, m'lord.

Prime Minister · Bret:We're gonna have Gary the sheep. He's flying over from New Zealand. Really? Yes, New Zealand's most famous sheep is gonna be there. He's on hiatus.

Bret · Prime Minister · Murray:Would you like us to play? Well, no, we're looking for a cool band. They are available. We're considered quite cool, aren't we? In their minds, yes.

Bret:Ew!

Jemaine · Bret:How's that? That looks cool.

Bret · Jemaine:Fashion song sequence

Bret · Jemaine:You think fashion's your friend, my friend, fashion is danger

Bret · Jemaine:Posing sequence - posing at the bar, posing sitting down, posing in the distance, posing with my arm, posing with my leg, posing like a swan, posing for a portrait, posing a threat

Bret · Jemaine:¶ posing for a portrait ¶ ¶ posing a threat ¶

Bret · Murray:They're not from the '70s. They're from New Zealand. Isn't that the same thing? Similar, I suppose.

Bret · Murray:Whatever, Murray. Hey, great gig last night. You got a glowing review.

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, where's the gel gone? What happened to all the gel? You know what happened to the gel. You used it. Did you finish the gel on your body hair?

Bret · Jemaine:You've been gelling your beard. Your beard looks good.

Bret · Jemaine:Gel throwing fight sequence with 'That was very dangerous' reactions

Jemaine · Bret:There's people. They'll see us. No one can see me like this. You go. No, I can't go out there. Not without gel.

Bret · Jemaine:There's still some gel. There's still a little bit of gel. You're imagining the gel. There's still some. There's no gel left. It's not there.

Jemaine · Bret:What if he's keeping the gel for himself to make himself look good? Don't think so, man. That big ginger head of his looking great.

Mel · Bret:This isn't my place, is it? This is your place. I must be sleepwalking. Oh no, don't wake me. You could kill me.

Bret · Mel:You come in here without any mousse? What's wrong with you? I don't know who you are anymore.

Bret · Jemaine:Glue? This should work. Yeah yeah, this is good. It's just like gel. Same viscosity.

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine, I stuck my head to my hand. You idiot, Bret. You've got a pillow on your head. What? Where? Other side. Oh, we're both idiots. Idiot, man.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, it was the hair gel, guys. Sorry. We're not cool? No.

Bret:¶ she said her name was a secret ¶ then she said her name was cheri... ¶

Bret:Bret reveals 95% was made up after elaborate fantasy

Bret · Jemaine:I made 95% of that up. Which bit's true? I saw a girl.

Jemaine · Bret:Why don't you go on a real date? Because they're never as good as fantasy dates.

Bret · Jemaine:She works down at the cheap zoo. The pet store?

Bret:She's, um, one of the cat tamers.

Bret:Bret's goldfish buying compulsion and logic

Bret · Jemaine:Well, if you get two, you get one free. But you don't even want any goldfish, Bret. Why would you buy two? Might as well get one free.

Jemaine · Bret:Oh! When? Always. Oh, okay. So you do something every time, and suddenly you've got a reputation.

Dave · Bret:Hey! What's up, guys? Hey, Dave. What's with the fish, Bret? I've got a girlfriend.

Dave · Bret · Jemaine:Dave's confusion about their existence/New Zealand

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's elaborate band meeting protocol for three people

Jemaine · Bret · Savannah:Half ignore her and half pay attention to her. Hello. Turn side on. Say somethin you assho! Compliment her hair. Ask her what's up with her face. What's up with your face?

Bret:Business stuff... you know, stock exchange, calculators.

John · Bret · Savannah:The mugging going wrong with John actually stealing the purse

Bret:¶ girl, I'm gonna take the month of august off ¶ just to get you off ¶

Bret:'I'm freaky' - Bret finally using the advice and launching into the song

Bret:¶ let's take my body and we'll cover it with honey ¶ stick some money to the honey ¶ now I'm covered in money, honey ¶

Savannah · Bret:How do you know about my electricity Bill? Well, I just went through your rubbish and I found your Bill.

Bret · Jemaine:She's a bit crazy. Do you want me to give you a hand breaking up with her?

Landlord · Bret · Jemaine:They're in new zealand dollars... it's a new zealand account

Bret:Is that American dollars or real dollars?

Bret:Can we choose which month?

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:By whose authority? / The landlord. / Why? Just because we were paying with new zealand dollars instead of American dollars. / Okay, so he's a racist and now you're homeless

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Present.

Bret:Yeah, it's a rags-to-rags story

Bret · Murray:Really? / Oh yeah, you say 'really?' here. I knew you'd say that

Bret · Dave:Your dad? / Yeah. I can't have you at my apartment. What if some crazy shit goes down?

Bret · Jemaine · Hotel clerk:Oh, that's today's date. / Weird. / Yeah, it's today's date. It happened earlier today

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:You must not leave the house. / When? / What, never? / Well, not after 11:30 P.M. And preferably never

Mel · Bret:That is such a womanly instrument. Have you ever heard of a man playing a harp? / My dad plays the harp

Bret:So I said, 'do you know any Rolling Stones?' It was a hilarious moment in a very bleak bleak time of my life.

Bret · Murray:This seems very similar to 'Star Wars.' / I've mixed you up with... Luke Skywalker

Mel · Bret:You're so young. / I'm 32

Murray · Bret:Yesterday's rehearsal you got yourself worked up, you stopped breathing and you fainted. No, I didn't. You were on the ground there for a while, about five minutes.

Murray · Bret:Well, it depends how you define 'hit.' / Did people like it? / No, I don't think it was that sort of hit

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Good shepherding today, guys! / Thanks, Murray!