New Fans

Murray:Where's yours?

Bret:It's on my chair.

Murray:you could have a bit of hay coming out of your mouth... a little bit of hay.

Jemaine:All the time?

Murray:Yeah.

Bret:'Cause there was probably only one entry.

Murray:No, there was hundreds, actually.

Bret:Really?

Murray:Yep. They're all from Mel.

Murray:And one from Jemaine.

Jemaine:Right.

Murray:But he was disqualified.

Murray:Because you can't be a fan of the band.

Jemaine:Why?

Murray:It's not a good look.

Bret:Yeah, well, that's 'cause I'm not a fan of the band. I'm more a fan of popular bands like the Bee Gees, Pearl Jam.

Murray:First prize... the chance to cook for you two tomorrow night.

Jemaine:That's a terrible prize. I'm glad I didn't win that.

Murray:I've already e-mailed her pretending to be you saying you're excited.

Jemaine:Were you pretending to be me as well?

Murray:Yes, that's what I do. It's... it's easier.

Murray:Actually, next time you see Mel, you might want to apologize for your last e-mail.

Jemaine:Okay. Why?

Murray:It's just, I think she was quite insulted.

MC:Bonjour, lay ho, salaam, nabadeey, konnichiwa, and hola. Welcome to Tuesday World Music Jam.

Bret:World Music Jam? We don't play world music. Do we?

Murray:Yes. Where's New Zealand from if it's not from the world?

Bret:There's a lot of hot women here.

Jemaine:Yeah.

Bret:Look at those two.

Jemaine:Whoa. Whew.

Ladies song with increasingly absurd nationality descriptors culminating in 'Amphibian Lady' and 'Presbyterian Lady'

Bret:Hermaphrodite Lady-man lady / All you sexy hermaphrodite lady-man ladies

If every soldier in the world / Put down his weapon and picked up a woman / What a peaceful world this world would be

Redheads not warheads / Blondes not bombs / We're talking about brunettes not fighter jets

Sweet 16s not M-16s

Bret:Where every lady gets a little piece of Bretty

Bret:I don't care if you're ugly or you're skanky or you're small / Just want to do a little something special for you all

MC:Something completely different here. They're from New Zealand. We have... The Flute of the Commodores.

Song opening with extensive tuning: A, B... A... D, G, G, G... G, G, G... G...

Jemaine:Who likes to rock the party?

Bret:I like to rock the party

Murray:Different start to the song.

Murray:What were you doing there?

Bret:No, it's the same.

Murray:I bought you guys a beer.

Bret:I don't even drink beer.

Jemaine:I don't drink it either.

Murray:Just drink it, will you?

Jemaine:I do things for my image... make it more rock 'n' roll with the goatee and everything. I don't like this goatee. I hate it.

Bret:Makes you look like a goat, doesn't it?

Jemaine:Yeah, exactly.

Jemaine:Tell you what, maybe if I pretend to go to the toilet, you guys see if they're looking at me.

Jemaine:Okay?

Bret:Yep.

Jemaine:No, they're not looking at me! I might actually go to the toilet now that I'm over here!

Fan:You must have been really wasted when you wrote that.

Jemaine:No.

Fan:Do you mean on drugs?

Jemaine:Oh, yes, we were tripping when we wrote that one, that's right.

Jemaine:We were totally whacked off.

Fan:What?

Jemaine:Whacked off?

Fan:Uh, that's just a drug term we use back in New Zealand

Dave:I got a shirt that's got a mouse having sex with another mouse in a mousetrap. I score chicks in this shirt all the time.

Dave:I guarantee you, I was just pumping away in this thing the other night.

Bret:I was hoping to dress something like Prince. Kind of erogenous, huh?

Murray:Yeah, but toned down a bit, like, Prince if he was just going to the zoo or the supermarket.

Bret:Casual Prince?

Dave:Jesus! Sorry guys. My roommate's... being kind of a jerk.

Bret:Is that a woman's blouse?

Dave:No.

Bret:Looks like a blouse.

Dave:No no no. This is what you're looking for, man. That's totally Prince.

Bret:Dude, you think I live with my parents?

Dave:Oh, is that your dad, though?

Bret:No. That's just some old, crotchety Indian couple that I sublet to.

Bret:The weird thing is they look like me. They've got photos of themselves with you as a kid.

Dave:I know. It's creepy. I think they make them on the computer.

Jemaine:That's... that's our bedroom.

Murray:Yep. That's a live webcam from your bedroom.

Murray:I've had a really good response from something that happened with you when you were alone with the webcam. Do you know what that would be?

Jemaine:I didn't know we had a webcam.

Murray:Okay, well, whatever you're doing, just be careful, all right?

Murray:We've tripled the fan base. So we need two new t-shirts made up.

Murray:You'll end up like ZZ Top.

Jemaine:What are you talking about?

Murray:You know, ZZ Top.

Jemaine:Yeah?

Murray:They sang the song about the... the... the woman with the legs.

Murray:they had a do-we-have-a-beard- or-not situation.

Bret:That's nice, like... kind of like bad weather.

Mel:Do you not have a computer, or...

Rain:No, I do have a computer.

Mel:Oh, you can't read.

Rain:Oh, I thought he was your dad.

Mel:He's a little bit older than me.

Rain:Yeah.

Mel:He was my college professor.

Mel:He resisted for a while and there were some legal... boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or... his family, but... in the end, love overcame.

Mel:I always get what I want.

Mel:But you don't drink beer, Bret.

Bret:I drink it all the time.

Mel:I thought it always made you go to the toilet.

Doug:Oh, hey, Bret.

Bret:Are you gonna come up for dinner?

Doug:Uh, no. This is Mel's special day. Besides, I'm... I'm happy down here.

Mel:Those girls, I don't trust them, Bret. They have no interest in you as musicians. They just want to...

Bret:Just want to what?

Mel:They want to do it with you, Bret.

Bret:Sex?

Jemaine:So, uh, you guys want to get whacked off?

Summer:What?

Jemaine:Yeah. Whacked off, you know, do some drugs.

Bret:I have a cold.

Bret:So I won't.

Bret:Yeah.

Jemaine:I've also got the same cold. It's airborne.

Jemaine:Maybe just half my half again.

Bret:I'll just have a 16th.

No, that's a dry piece of skin. You dropped it.

Bret:Oh, flub!

Pretty Prince of Parties drug song with nonsensical lyrics

Jemaine:I'm going to suggest that we have a threesome.

Oh.

Jemaine:I just have to go and talk to Bret quickly.

Jemaine:You got to go home.

Bret:Why?

Jemaine:Because I've been offered a threesome.

Bret:What about me?

Jemaine:No, you're not included.

Jemaine:You got it wrong. They want me in the threesome.

Bret:What? That's not a threesome, that's a foursome.

Bret:You got it wrong. They want me in the threesome.

Jemaine:What? That's not a threesome, that's a foursome.

Jemaine:You ever had a threesome?

Bret:Nearly.

Jemaine:What you mean, nearly?

Bret:I had a twosome.

Jemaine:Yeah, I've done that. I've had a one-way and a two-way.

Bret:Oh no, I've had a twosome!

Bret:Summer, where's Rain?

Summer:Oh, Rain went home. She didn't want to be here while we were all having a threesome.

Extended threesome negotiation in bathroom with both deciding not to participate

Bret:Are you doing it?

Jemaine:You're not doing it?

Bret:No.

Jemaine:Okay, I won't do it.

Bret:Well, if you're not doing it, then I think I'm... yeah, I'm gonna do it.

Jemaine:Let's just climb out the window and go home. Come on.

Murray:What, for the manager to e-mail the fans and offer them man-man-lady threesome?

Murray:You'll end up going into town in a taxi, have a couple of drugs, have dinner, have a threesome, go home again. Have a shower, go out again, more drugs, more threesomes... happens all the time.

Bret:How many fans have we got now?

Murray:None. Empty club. I've put a note here... no one.

Bret:Last night, did you... look?

Jemaine:We agreed never to talk about this.

Bret:Yeah, but did you look?

Jemaine:I opened them a little bit so I could see what I was doing.

Bret:What were you doing with that chair?

Bret:You weren't in the threesome?

Jemaine:No, I was resting. Actually, me and her both took a break for a while.

Bret:You were just up there by yourself.