Jemaine Clement

Jemaine:Sarah Fitzpatrick, Michelle Fitzpatrick, Claire Fitzpatrick... the list goes on.

Bret · Jemaine:That was all of them? Well, triple figures. No, that's not triple figures, that's three.

Jemaine · Bret:Here though, I don't seem to get with any women. I just talk about getting with women. Yeah, but the ones you talk about are hot.

Jemaine · Bret:Oh, right. We didn't need a map. We just live down there.

Jemaine:After six or seven weeks girls find me boring. But I'm not sure what happens, because I mean that's about how long it takes to get to know someone.

Jemaine · Bret:SONG: 'Most Beautiful Girl (In the Room)' — opening verse: 'I can tell that you / Are the most beautiful girl in the... room / In the whole wide room'

Jemaine · Bret:And when you're on the street / Depending on the street / I bet you are definitely / In the top three / Good-looking girls on the street / Depending on the street

Jemaine · Bret:What is she doing / At my mate's place? / How did Dave get a hottie like that / To a party like his? / Good one, Dave / Ooh, you're a legend, Dave

Jemaine · Bret:I ask Dave if he's gonna make a move on you / He's not sure / I said 'Dave do you mind if I do?' / He says he doesn't mind / But I can tell he kind of minds / But I'm gonna do it anyway

Jemaine · Bret:You're so beautiful / You could be a waitress

Jemaine · Bret:You could be an air hostess in the '60s

Jemaine · Bret:You could be a part-time model

Jemaine:And then I seal the deal / I do my moves, I do my dance moves [dancing visual]

Jemaine · Bret:It's 12:02 / Just me and you / And seven other dudes / Around you on the dance floor

Jemaine · Bret:Let's get in a cab / I'll buy you a kebab / And I can't believe / That I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl / I have ever seen with a kebab

Jemaine · Bret:Why don't we leave? / Let's go to my house / We could feel each other up on my couch / Oh no, I don't mind / Taking it slo-o-ow

Jemaine · Bret:You're so beautiful / Like a tree / Or a high-class prostitute

Jemaine · Bret:You could be a part-time model / But you probably still have to keep your normal job / A part-time model / Spending part of your time modeling / And part of your time / Next to meeee...

Jemaine:# My place is usually a little tidier than this. #

Jemaine · Bret · Sally:That's just Bret. Turn the light off, Bret. / No no no. It's okay. Leave it on.

Jemaine:I did all my moves. I walked on the outside of her. I bought her a kebab. I paid for half the taxi.

Jemaine:Yeah, it's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light.

Jemaine:She's thinking, 'Oh, this is a nice situation.' But then, 'Ugh, who turned on the light?'

Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room. Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Okay, guys, band meeting. Bret? Jemaine? Jemaine? Well, yeah, obviously. Here? Well, you're here? / I'm here, so why do I have to say that I'm here? / It's just so I've got it all written down, you know.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:So how was, uh, Dave's party? / Oh it was good. / Mmm, it wasn't that good. / You're both aware I wasn't invited?

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:What fan base? / The fan base of the band. / You mean Mel? / That's not a fan base, that's just a woman.

Jemaine · Murray:What happened with the gig at the Aquarium? / It was kind of a misunderstanding. / Um, there was a typo in the ad. / It was sand they wanted. / Sand, you know, that wavy font? / It looks like a 'B' but it was an 'S.' / But I sent the demo.

Bret · Jemaine:It was a beautiful cake. / Yeah, it was.

Dave · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine, I don't know how they do things back in England... / New Zealand. / Yeah, whatever. I don't really give a shit.

Dave · Jemaine:You don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend, past or present. / Yes, thanks for that. / You get a love triangle. / You know? Fleetwood Mac situation. / Well, there was four of them so more of a love square, but, you know, no one gets on. / Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then. 'Rumors.' / No, that's all true.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:And... action! / I don't think that's a proper camera, Murray. / Yeah, a mobile-phone camera. / I think it's mostly a phone.

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:What are these supposed to be? / Those are your function buttons for the robot. / They look like nipples. / Don't touch them!

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:It doesn't look like Daft Punk. We wanted ones like Daft Punk. I don't know who he is.

Bret · Jemaine:SONG: 'The Humans Are Dead' — 'It is the distant future, the year 2000 / We are robots'

Bret · Jemaine:We no longer say 'yes' / Instead we say 'affirmative' / Yes, affirmative / Unless it's a more colloquial situation / With a few robo-friends

Bret · Jemaine:There is only one kind of dance... the robot / And the robo-boogie / Oh yes / Two kinds of dances

Bret · Jemaine:We used poisonous gases / And we poisoned their asses

Bret · Jemaine:The humans are dead / He's right they are dead / The humans are dead / They look like they're dead / It had to be done / I'll just confirm they're dead / So that we could have fun / Affirmative, I poked one, it was dead.

Jemaine · Bret:It's just that I think she might be the one. / Sally? / Yeah. / What makes you think that? / You just know. When it happens to you, you'll know. / You said Michelle was the one. / Yeah, she's the one. / You said Claire was the one. / Yeah, she's another one.

Bret · Jemaine:So how many ones can you have? / Five. / How many have you had? / Three. / How many have you had? / Just one. Just one.

Jemaine · Bret:Do you think it would be okay if Sally and I had the apartment to ourselves tonight? / What for? / Some time alone. / Mmm, I was going to be working on my secret project. / Your helmet that looks like your hair?

Bret · Jemaine:- It pretty much looks like a helmet. - Right.

Bret · Jemaine:How about you just maybe don't go out with Sally so I can hang out with you guys? / That'd be good.

Jemaine:She used to like you. She really likes me.

Bret · Jemaine:No, it's going to be weird. / It won't be weird. / That is going to be weird. / It won't be weird. / It will be weird. / It won't be weird.

Jemaine · Bret:You know, it is actually a bit weird with you here, Bret. / Yeah, I should go. I'll go.

Jemaine:Bret was saying that it was going to be weird with him here and I said it wouldn't be weird, but it is a bit weird.

Jemaine:Bret, this is my date.

Jemaine · Sally:That was weird, wasn't it? / Yeah, a little.

Jemaine:'These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me / I've just been cutting onions / I'm making a lasagna / For one'

Jemaine:'I'm not weeping because you won't be here to hold my hand / For your information / There's an inflammation in my tear gland'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret reveals the groceries he found were on the street — someone didn't want them

Jemaine:Jemaine starts to spit out the street sandwich, then decides to just eat it anyway

Bret · Jemaine:SONG: 'Inner City Pressure' — in its entirety as a comic set piece

Bret · Jemaine:'The manager, Bevan, starts to abuse me / Hey man, I just want some muesli'

Bret · Jemaine:'Check your mind, how'd it get so bad? / What happened to those other underpants you had?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray offers his last $50, immediately hedges 'Till Thursday, I mean,' then reveals he's owed money by the band's mousepad disaster

Bret · Jemaine · Eddie (boss):The sign-holding job interview: 'Sounds like something a lamppost could do'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine debates 'booties' vs. 'boobies' for the song lyric, concluding 'booties' makes him think of little woolen baby boots

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Yeah, shut up, Bret.' — response to Bret saying he needs to work on his people skills

Bret · Jemaine:Bret arrives late to band practice; Jemaine has designated his own 'free time' and 'leisure activities' — sitting in a chair, then light reading

Jemaine · Bret:Visual beat: Jemaine sitting in the chair doing nothing during his 'leisure activities' while Bret watches

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Murray holds an emergency band meeting on the public sidewalk where Bret is working — 'You're not working, you're just holding a sign'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The chicken-and-egg circular argument about gigs vs. jobs, culminating in Murray calling Bret 'a bad egg'

Jemaine · Bret:SONG: 'Boom' — Jemaine's hip-hop song in which all sexual/exciting content is replaced with the word 'boom'

Murray · Jemaine · Maxwell:Murray is forced to perform with just Jemaine and a cassette tape — pressing play while Maxwell watches

Bret (on tape) · Jemaine:SONG (tape performance): 'Inner City Pressure' / 'Shake your boobies yeah / Who likes to rock the party? / All the ladies with the babies / Make your babies shake their booties yeah'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray debates firing Bret, Jemaine accidentally reveals the bluff ('He told me he was going to pretend to fire you if you were late'), then Murray declares 'I've turned around' and fires Bret for real

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Jemaine blows Murray's bluff immediately — 'He told me he was going to pretend to fire you if you were late'

Mel · Doug · Jemaine:'Way better than those Australian girls in their bikinis.' / 'I didn't like them.' / 'Oh, I liked them.' / 'I hated them.'

Jemaine · Mel:A booking agent saw the tape-and-Jemaine act and wants to book them — Bret is excluded from this gig

Murray · Jemaine:Murray and Jemaine's 'tape vs. Bret' comparison scorecard: 'More compact.' / 'I can carry the tape.' / 'You could carry Bret. How much can you press?' / 'Not to a gig.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray asks if Jemaine misses Bret. Jemaine: 'Not really.' Murray: 'You miss him?' Jemaine: 'A little bit.' Murray: 'I might put that down as a... thing.'

Murray · Jemaine:'Don't stand next to any big magnets.' / 'Why would I stand next to big magnets, Murray?' / 'I don't know what you do in your personal life.'

Murray · Jemaine:The tape gets caught on Jemaine's zipper — the band is dissolved for the second time

Murray · Greg · Jemaine:'Greg, could we get a couple of tissues in here? Greg? ... Go away, Greg.' / 'Sue them. Just sue them.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret has a Bluetooth earpiece that neither he nor Jemaine can identify or explain

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine's recruitment pitch: 'Free phones.' Bret immediately says yes.

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'You've given up the dream, Bret!' / Bret: 'I've woken up.'

Jemaine:Jemaine on his phone while Bret has just been fired: 'Yeah, well I'll see what I can do. Yeah. I've got a 5:00 and a 6:00. I'll pencil you in.'

Murray · Eddie · Bret · Jemaine:Eddie made the band a sign: 'FOTC' — 'OH, NO THAT ONE. THAT ONE.' — The sign reads 'Hot Dogs'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret · Brent:Murray and Jemaine jointly confirm they missed Bret — 'Both... we both missed you.' / 'No, a little bit.' / 'You could see that you were...' — then immediately cut to unceremoniously firing Brent

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Jemaine claims he didn't miss Bret — Murray and Bret both call him out — 'No, a little bit'

Bret · Jemaine:The entire opening phone call where Jemaine and Bret relay mundane information to their mom via each other rather than just talking directly to her

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine whispering 'Tell her it is a bit dangerous' while Bret is in mid-sentence reassuring his mom it's not dangerous

Jemaine:Jemaine whispering 'Tell her Dave's got a paintball gun' as evidence of American danger

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'That's Bruce Willis, though. He's acting. It's not real.'

Bret · Jemaine:After an elaborate phone call full of secondhand relaying — 'Who was that?' 'It's Mom. She's good.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Hiphopopotamus — but you can just call me Jemaine if you want.'

Bret · Jemaine · John · Mickey:The mugging begins in medias res — the muggers are mid-story about someone getting stuck in a hole, then demand cigarettes, and pivot to robbery almost as an afterthought

John · Bret · Jemaine:John examining the homemade camera phone: 'Why... why does the phone have a camera glued to it?' / Bret: 'It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.' / John: '...it's a piece of shit.' / Bret: 'Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Because Bret knows karate.' / Bret: 'Yeah, I got a book on karate. I haven't actually read it yet, but I've got...'

Bret · Jemaine:The Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros rap song begins — Bret and Jemaine respond to a knife-point mugging by performing an elaborate hip-hop number

Jemaine:# Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis? / Did Steve tell you that, perchance? / Mmm, Steve. #

Jemaine:# My rhymes and records, they don't get played / Because my records and rhymes, they don't get made / And if you rap like me, you don't get paid / And if you roll like me, you don't get laid #

Jemaine:# My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment / I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant / Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist / But you lovely bitches now should know I'm trying to correct this #

Bret · Jemaine:# Other rappers diss me / They say my rhymes are sissy / Why? / Why? / Why exactly? / What... why? / Be more constructive with your feedback / Please, why? #

Jemaine:# 'Cause I rap about reality / Like me and my grandma drinking a cup of tea / There ain't no party like my nana's tea party / Hi-ho #

Bret · Jemaine · Mickey:Mickey reveals his knife — 'That's not a knife' / 'Yeah, that's a knife' / 'Oh, it is a knife'

Jemaine · Bret:Mid-chase: 'Uh, Bret, my sleeve just... help me, my sleeve's just caught on the fence.' / 'I'm too scared, man.' / 'Bret, the corduroy's caught on the fence, Bret.'

Jemaine:Talking head: Jemaine: 'I can't believe that he just ran off like that when the cops came and left me there.'

John · Jemaine:John begins his story: mugger explaining he had to shoot someone in the kneecap on instruction, then got a text 45 minutes later saying 'call it off'

Jemaine · John:Jemaine comparing his experience to John's: both about being texted instead of called. Jemaine: 'He texted me, said I'm not coming' [to March of the Penguins]. / John: 'Well, that's not really the same thing, is it? I... I shot a guy.' / Jemaine: '...Yours is worse.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you were gonna hassle me about it.' / Jemaine: 'You shouldn't have done it anyway.' / Bret: 'Hassling me.' / Jemaine: 'I'm not hassling you...' / Bret: 'Hassling me.' / Jemaine: 'Height of rudeness.' / Bret: 'Okay, David Hassle-hoff.'

Jemaine · Murray:Band meeting: Jemaine claims prison authority on gangster names — 'I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have.' / 'Like John.' / 'There was another guy there... Ralph.'

Jemaine:Band meeting: Jemaine claims his jail experience gives him insight into gangster names: 'Well, I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have. Like John. There was another guy there... Ralph.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine: 'If I can't trust him on the streets, I can't trust him on the stage. I can't do another gig with him without going against everything I stand for.' / Murray: 'Well, what if you actually had another gig?' / Jemaine: 'Well, then I would.' / Murray: 'I haven't actually got you one, but that's good to know.'

John · Jemaine:John empathizing with Jemaine about Bret's abandonment — 'So your friend... your best friend in the whole world... just left you there with a bunch of crazy-ass muggers?' — while being one of those muggers

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'But to be fair to Bret, John, you were one of those hoodlums mugging us, you know?'

John · Jemaine:John: 'Yeah, that's true. I guess I am somewhat to blame as well, huh? But it's still shitty, what he did.' / Jemaine: 'Yes, I agree with that.'

Jemaine · John:Jemaine: 'At least I didn't kill a monkey.' / [pause] / John: 'Dawg.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret tries to apologize with hot tea → burns himself badly → Jemaine: 'I guess we're even then.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'I'm not hungry!' — refusing Bret's pizza olive branch

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's dramatic farewell: 'If I die, I want you to tell my mom.' / Jemaine: 'Okay. Well, write... write down her address.' / Bret: 'Okay.' [starts writing] / Jemaine: 'Well, just phone... you can just phone her and tell her.' / Bret: 'Oh, okay, I'll just phone her.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'You don't need to go and do that.' / Bret: 'Yes, I do.' / Jemaine: 'No, you don't.' / Bret: 'Well, you loved that thing.' / Jemaine: 'Yeah, I didn't really love that camera phone as much as you thought I loved it. In fact, I kind of think you ruined my phone when you made me that camera phone. And my camera.'

Bret · Jemaine:The 'Inner City Pressure' song begins.

Bret · Jemaine:Lyric: '# There's people on the street getting diseases from monkeys / Yeah, that's what I said, they're getting diseases from monkeys / Now there's junkies with monkey disease / Who's touching these monkeys? / P-lease leave these poor sick monkeys alone / They've got problems enough as it is #'

Bret · Jemaine:Lyric: '# Man is lying on the street, some punk's chopped off his head / I'm the only one who stops to see if he's dead / Mmm, turns out he's dead #'

Jemaine:Lyric: '# Good cops being framed / And put into a can / All the money that we're making / It's going to the Man / What man? Which man? Who's the man? / When's a man a man? What makes a man a man? / Am I a man? Yes / Technically, I am #'

Bret · Jemaine:Song lyric: 'Saw a man lying on the street half-dead / With knives and forks sticking out of his leg / He said, Ah ah ah, ow ow ow ow / Can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please? / Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?'

Bret · Jemaine:Lyric: '# Saw a man lying on the street half-dead / With knives and forks sticking out of his leg / He said, "Ah ah ah, ow ow ow ow ow ow / Can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please?" / "Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?" #'

Mugger 2 (Mickey) · Bret · Jemaine:Mickey (mugger) returns the camera phone with developed photos — including photos of himself on a roller coaster and 'me with a shopkeeper, pointing a gun. Actually, I should take that.'

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, Murray. Nice shorts.

Jemaine · Murray:Ah. Except I just remembered that I also can't go. — Why? I suppose you've got a date as well, have you? — Yeah. — Where'd you meet her? — At... at the library. — Library? What library? — Video library.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Bye, Murray. — Bye. You gonna say 'bye'? — No!

Jemaine · Bret:Are we gonna watch a DVD or what? — I think it might be a bit late for a DVD, man.

Jemaine · Bret · Coco:No, well, we should probably get home. / Well, maybe I'll stay a little bit longer. / Yeah, sure. / Do you wanna... you could stay over if... if you want? / No, I don't want to stay over. / No, we should get going. / I don't know... why don't I stay and you go?

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine, I've written this love song for Coco... It's good, it's good.

Jemaine · Bret:It's a bit long. — Okay. — It's two hours long.

Jemaine · Bret:'I'd climb the highest mountain.' — Would you actually do that? — Probably not.

Jemaine · Bret:Well, you're sort of promising that you would. — That's a metaphor. — Oh, is it? Oh okay. — Yeah. — What's it a metaphor for? — For... that I'd do anything for her. — Would you climb the highest mountain for her? — Oh God. I see.

Jemaine · Bret:No. Pass me that? No, I wouldn't do a lot of this stuff. Would you swallow a whole sword? A sword... okay, I probably wouldn't do that one either.

Jemaine · Bret:Maybe you should make it more realistic things you'd do... Like what? Uh, 'I would hang out with you.' — Oh, that's good. That's really... — That's not bad. — That's a lyric of mine. You can use that.

Jemaine · Bret:What do you know that's specific to Coco? — She has a rash that she doesn't tell anyone about. — What... what else? — She likes food. — Yeah, okay. — Her flatmate is called Stuart. — Yeah. This is all good stuff.

Bret · Jemaine:The 'If You're Into It' song — the entire performance

Coco · Bret · Jemaine:Thank you. That was great. — Thank you too, Jemaine. — Oh, it was no problem.

Coco · Bret · Jemaine:So, what are we gonna do now? — Well, we were gonna go cycling. — Yeah. — Oh, were we? — Oh, great.

Jemaine:Kiss her, Bret. Kiss her.

Jemaine · Bret:Yeah, actually, I was gonna say... I was thinking that maybe... / I've been thinking, you know, they're a bit... / they're a bit girlie. — Well, Coco's a girl. — Yeah, but I'm not, though. It's not just you and her going on these dates, I'm there too.

Jemaine · Bret:Maybe... — Or we could go to a strip bar? — She doesn't like... she doesn't want to go to a strip bar again. — I was actually wondering... — We could go to just a topless bar.

Jemaine:Or she doesn't always have to come as well. That's another option. Me and you could go on one of these date... oh, that'd be weird.

Bret · Jemaine:And Coco said that the other night when I went to the bathroom that she felt like you... like made a move on her. — Yep. Yep, guilty, I did. — But you weren't doing anything, so I thought...

Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, but that's 'cause you were there. — Oh, so are you. — You're always there. I always see you there. — Yeah, I'm always there, but she's my girlfriend.

Murray · Jemaine:Are you okay? Are your feelings hurt? — No. — They must be. Are they? — No. — A little bit? — No. — A little bit, eh? — A little bit. — Yeah, a little bit. I knew it.

Murray · Jemaine:I just hope we don't have a Yoko Ono situation. — Is she trying to split up the band? — She hasn't mentioned anything. I don't think so... she's nice. — Is she an artist? — Don't know. — Does she like, you know, staying in bed a lot? / I haven't really noticed. / What about peace? Is she into peace? — I don't know. — Look into that.

Jemaine · Bret:Hey, Bret, is, um... is Coco into art? — Yeah. Why? — Uh, no reason.

Jemaine · Bret:# Black-haired lady queen / Dabbling in art / I won't let the she-wolf / Tear us apart, because I... — What's that song? — Nothing, just a new song called 'She-wolf.'

Jemaine:# Cold-hearted bitch / Diggin' a ditch... #

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine's nodding in approval. / By the way, how is Coco? — She's great. We're really in love. — Yeah? — It's... yeah, it's awesome. — She seems really nice. — Yeah, she's amazing. — Hold onto her. Okay? / It's a rare thing, what you've got there.

Coco · Bret · Jemaine:Hi, I'm not disturbing you guys, am I? — Hey, Coco. — No, come in. — We're busy at the moment actually.

Coco · Bret · Jemaine:Oh, okay. I just popped in to bring you some lunch. — Oh good. — Favoritism.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray · Coco:Coco presents a professional band poster she made. / Whoa, that's awesome. — Well, it's really arty. — It's cool. — We've already got a poster that I did. / Oh, okay. Oh, that's... that's all right. / That's cool. That's great, it's... it's better.

Murray · Jemaine:Also present, Coco. — Yoko. / What did you... what did you say? — Oh nothing, just had a bit of a cough.

Jemaine · Bret · Coco · Murray:No, it wasn't a real cough. I said 'Yoko.' — Yeah, I thought so. — Oh, I should go. — Why did you say that? 'Cause she's nothing like Yoko. — Oh-no, she isn't. — Jemaine, you're putting 'oh no' together to sound like 'Ono.' — Oh-no, I didn't. — You did it again. — Oh-no, did I? — Did you pick that up? — He's doing it.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:I'll throw this sandwich in your face if you say that again. — Bret, don't you dare. Not in my office. / A sandwich hit my face. — Yeah, well, I said I'd throw a sandwich at your face.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I've never seen such bad behavior at one of my meetings! — Don't be such a... a dickhead. — Yeah well, I'm quitting this band. — Yeah. — Well, you quit last week. — Yeah well, I'm quitting again. — Don't be a quitter! You can't! — Yeah, you quitter.

Murray · Jemaine:Good riddance, eh, Jemaine? — I've got tomato on my sleeve. — See? I told you. / Girlfriends and bands just don't mix, Jemaine. — You'll never have a girlfriend, will you? — No. — All right, let's just move on.

Murray · Jemaine:Do you miss Bret? — A little bit. Do you? — Same. I miss him. / Can you ask him back in the band?

Bret · Jemaine:The 'Tape of Love' / 'Inner City Pressure' style song — full performance including 'Lives are like retractable pencils / If you push 'em too hard, they're gonna break / And people are like paper dolls / Paper dolls and people, they're a similar shape'

Bret · Jemaine:'Love is like a roll of tape / It's real good for making two things one / But just like that roll of tape / Love sometimes breaks off before you are done'

Jemaine · Bret:What are you doing here? — Murray and I miss you and we want you to rejoin the band again. / Really? — Yeah. On one condition. / That you... — I'm not gonna kill her, man.

Jemaine · Bret:No, just leave... just leave her, not... — Oh no, I'm not gonna leave her.

Jemaine · Bret:So what's it gonna be, Bret? The girl or the band? — Well, it's gonna be Coco. — Oh. Are you sure? — Yeah. — Oh, I thought you... / I was sure you were gonna say the band. — No, I'm staying with Coco.

Jemaine · Bret:I guess you can still be in the band. — Okay. Great. — Okay. — Cool. — Okay, well I'll see you later. — I'll see you at band practice.

Bret · Jemaine:You know, Jemaine, I've been thinking about love, / and I guess it's the very strongest adhesive. / Oh, sorry, Bret, were you talking to me? I was humming. / What did you say? — Oh, doesn't matter.

Jemaine · Bret · Girl:Tickle tickle tickle! / Hey Bret, how come you don't tickle me anymore?

Jemaine:Oh, I'm just joking. Tickle tickle.

Bret · Jemaine · Girl:Yeah. What are you up to today, Jemaine? / Uh, I don't know. Actually I'm really bored. / Come on, man, you got to get out of here. / I'm trying to get onto first base.

Jemaine · Bret · Girl:I'm not even ticklish. / Aren't you? / No, I'm faking it. / Really? / Yeah she's faking it as well, I think.

Sally · Jemaine:Hey, I saw your music video online. 'The year 2000, the year 2000.' Well, that was you, right? Affirmative.

Sally · Jemaine:You were robots. / We were just dressed up as robots. / Yeah, but you were robots. / Yeah, just, you know, acting as robots... / No, yeah, no, I... I know you weren't actually robots.

Jemaine · Sally:No, not me. You can't tame the J-Dog. / What's the J-Dog? / Uh, well, that's me, I'm the J-Dog.

Jemaine:Well, it's street language. You know, you just take the first letter of your name and you put 'Dog' on the end of it and all the other dogs sort of respect you.

Jemaine:No, the thing about the J-Dog is you can't put a leash on the J-Dog.

Jemaine:Oh. (beat after Sally says she really does want to settle down)

Jemaine · Bret:Business Time — the full song

Jemaine:Tuesday night is the night that we usually go to your mother's place / And I teach her how to use the video machine again

Jemaine:You're not too tired from your afterwork social netball team practice

Jemaine:There's nothing good on TV / Mm, conditions are perfect / For making love

Jemaine:You turn to me and say something sexy like / 'I might go to bed, I have to work in the morning' / I know what you're trying to say, baby

Jemaine:Then you go sort out the recycling / Which isn't part of the foreplay / But it's still very important

Jemaine:You're wearing that same old ugly baggy T-shirt / With the stain on it that you got / From that team-building exercise / You did for your old work several years ago / Team Building Exercise '99

Jemaine:I take off my clothes, but I trip over my jeans / Because I'm still wearing my shoes / But it's okay because I turn it all into a sexy dance

Jemaine:The next thing you know, I'm wearing absolutely nothing / Except for my socks / And you know when I'm down to just my socks / What time it is / It's business time

Jemaine:Making love for two minutes / When it's with me, you only need two minutes, girl / Because I'm so intense

Jemaine:You turn to me and say something sexy like / 'Is that it?!' / I know what you're trying to say, girl / You're trying to say 'Ah, yeah, that's it'

Jemaine:Then you tell me you want some more / Well, uh, I'm not surprised / But I am quite sleepy

Jemaine:Well, here's the doghouse. / Thanks for walking me home, Sally.

Sally · Jemaine:Um, should I come up for a cup of coffee? / What are you... are you serious? / Oh, in my... up there? / Yeah. / I mean, obviously if you're busy... / No, I'm not busy at all

Sally · Jemaine:Wait, you're not still living with Bret, are you? / Maybe. Yes. / Actually, definitely yes.

Jemaine:Bret, I'm moving out. / I've decided I need my own space. / It's time to take life a little more seriously, you know? / It's time for me to look each day in the eye and say 'Hey, Jemaine you're... you're doing this for you.'

Bret · Jemaine:Is it because of the towel? / What towel? / Because I used your towel and I got athlete's foot.

Jemaine · Bret:Well, it's not exactly the same size as a vacuum cleaner tube... / It's not that, it's not that.

Bret · Jemaine:Is it because I ask too many questions? / No. / Was it something subtle? / Yes it's subtle, Bret.

Bret · Jemaine:Is it because I eat too loudly? / Yes. / It is? / Yeah. / I knew it.

Jemaine · Bret:You eat too loudly. It's deafening. / It's not that loud. / It's so deafening. / Well, I eat with my mouth shut. / I don't know how you do it.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine. / Present. / Bret! / Yeah. / And Murray. / Yes, present, thank you. / I'm always here anyway. / I don't know why I bothered with my line.

Jemaine · Murray:Do we have any gigs, Murray? / Uh, yes, I've got an answer for that. / No.

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:It's because I eat too loud. / Really? / You eat too loud, Bret? / Well, I didn't notice. / Here, eat this.

Jemaine · Doorman:Welcome back, Mr. Clemaine. / Thank you, Sebastian. / John.

Jemaine · Bret · Mel:Hey, Mel. / Hey. / What are you doing here? / I was walking my dog. / ... / Yeah, where's your dog?

Jemaine · Bret:Is this it? / Mm-hmm. / No number on the door. / Don't need one.

Bret · Jemaine:It's not a room, it's a cupboard. / It's not a cupboard. / It's a cleaning cupboard. / Is it... what's... is that cleaning products? / Yeah, I don't know what they're doing here.

Murray · Jemaine:More like a compartment. / Hmm? / A compartment. Not an apartment... / Is that a joke? / Yeah. / That's pretty good. / You did get it, eh? / Yeah that's a good one. / Because it's small.

Jemaine · Bret:I'm going on a date. / Oh, okay. Bachelor life now, eh? / Watch out, ladies. / Who with? / No one. / No one. That's not a date. That's just going out.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Bret went out with her. She broke your heart and yours as well. / Anyway, I thought you said Sally was shallow. / Oh, she's not shallow. / She is shallow. / But she's really hot. / She's the hottest girl I've ever touched. / Ever seen. / Well, she was the hottest girl I'd ever seen, but then I touched her.

Sally · Jemaine:Do you like butter? / Butter, yes. / I don't. / No. / I don't really like yellow things.

Jemaine · Sally · Bret:Hey, is that Bret? / No, I don't think so. / Well, he's waving at us. / It looks like him, but I don't think it's him. / Jemaine, Sally! / No, that's not him. / It's me, Bret. / Maybe it is him. / He's coming over here. / Is he? / It's definitely him. / Hey, guys.

Sally · Bret · Jemaine:Do you want to get Coco? / Sorry? / Coco, your girlfriend... you want to get her? / Oh, yeah yeah yeah. / Hey, Coco, do you want to sit over here?

Jemaine:Well she can't go. It's her birthday, the 14th.

Murray · Jemaine:It's not good news. Planet Jemaine supernova'd. / Yeah, there's nothing left of it apparently. / Just a huge gaseous cloud and the beginnings of a black hole. / When did this happen? / Uh, about four million years ago.

Jemaine:Jemaine sings a brief birthday song to Sally: '# If it's a Chinese junk or Roman galley / I'll find my way to you, Sally / Happy birthday, Sally. #'

Murray · Jemaine:Planet Jemaine supernova'd. / Yeah, there's nothing left of it apparently. Just a huge gaseous cloud and the beginnings of a black hole. / When did this happen? / Uh, about four million years ago.

Jemaine:Well, that was a waste of 50 bucks. / Thanks, Murray.

Jemaine · Murray · Others:The party's over. / What? / The party's over, everyone. / What are you doing, Jemaine? / Greg's about to do his party trick. / This is the one that got him in 'The East Village News.' / No, the party's over.

Jemaine:Nice haircut, Bret.

Sally · Jemaine · Bret:Hey, did you see this amazing painting Bret made me? / A painting? / See, that's me, and that's some really weird kind of wolf. / Well, it's difficult to draw a wolf, so I used a picture of myself and then adjusted it.

Sally · Mark · Jemaine:Go on and show them your abs. / No... / No, go show them. / Rock hard. / Hey you guys want to see them? / Yes. / No, no thank you, Mark.

Bret · Jemaine:Sally, I Love You — the full song (both characters singing simultaneously at a party)

Jemaine · Bret:# The only thing stopping you from being with me / Is that you don't want to be with me / It's the same with me, except with me #

Jemaine · Bret:# Yeah yeah, she gets it... Stop cockblocking me #

Jemaine:# I can't help / But think that now you're engaged / We're drifting apart #

Jemaine:# It won't or it will / But maybe Mark will be involved / In an accident and you'll get / A life insurance payment of half a mil / It's not about the money / But it could set us up financially / If you came back to me #

Jemaine:# Sally, I wrote you this song so I could tell you how much I love you / Quite a lot, actually / Um, even sometimes a little bit more / Than my current girlfriend #

Jemaine · Bret:# Bret's got a girlfriend / Yeah, but Sally and me, we were meant to be / Bret, you got a girlfriend / Yeah, well, I'd break it off with her if I knew / Sally wanted to be with me / Well just so you know, Sally, unlike Bret / I'm available immediately #

Bret · Jemaine:Oh, Coco told me to tell you you're dumped.

Bret · Jemaine:She said you're emotionally immature / She said you'd say that and she said to say it is true and you know it. / Oh, but, I mean... / No buts, she said to say.

Bret · Jemaine:She said you'd say that and she said to say / it is true and you know it. / Oh, but, I mean... / No buts, she said to say. / Well, did she say we could talk about it? / She said we are talking about it. / Well, we're not though are we? / Well, no. / I don't know what she meant by that.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray reveals he has held band meetings without the band present and marked them 'absent'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The band photo turns out to be of Gemma's 21st birthday with neither Bret nor Jemaine in it, and Murray has circled their cousins

Bret · Jemaine:'I think I took this photo.' / 'Yeah, I took it.' — Bret realizes neither band member is in their own promo photo because Bret was the photographer

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:The second photo: Murray has superimposed Bret's head over Jemaine's ex-girlfriend Clea's head on a personal photo — and Murray made it himself

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray insists musicians smile and put their hands in the air, confusing this with what gymnasts do

Jemaine · Bret:Bret trying to fill conversational silence by bringing up penguins, then abandoning the subject — 'Bret, I'm kind of doing all the work in this conversation.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine repeatedly suggests Bret is bulimic when Bret says he just feels like he needs to eat more

Jemaine · Bret:Bret asks for compliments; Jemaine refuses because 'it'd be weird,' then immediately agrees it'd be weird

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine appears as 1972 David Bowie from the Ziggy Stardust tour in Bret's dream

Bret · Jemaine:'Wow, you look a lot like Jemaine.' / 'No, I'm David Bowie.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret interrupts David Bowie's dream-vision to describe his own previous guinea pig and giraffe dreams at length

Jemaine · Bret:David Bowie's advice: 'Get an eye patch, man.' / 'I'm sorry?' / 'Get an eye patch.'

Jemaine:'# Wear the eye patch, Bret / Wear the funky funky eye patch. #' — Bowie's two-line dream song

Bret · Jemaine:'Watch out for the table!' / 'Sorry about the table, Bret.' — Bowie exits by walking into furniture

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Bret arrives wearing an eye patch to the meeting about the magazine feature

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray outs Bret as bulimic in the middle of the pitch meeting setup — 'Bret's bulimic.'

Jemaine · Murray:'Is that a music term, "Rock it out"?' / 'Yeah, that's one.'

Jemaine · Mel · Doug:Jemaine asks Mel if she prefers him over Bret — and she says yes with no hesitation — while her husband Doug sits right there

Jemaine · Mel:Jemaine refuses to compliment Bret himself because 'it might be gay' — then the conversation with Mel escalates into graphic descriptions of gay sex

Mel · Doug · Jemaine:Mel reveals she's the junior professor of psychology; Doug was the senior professor but was fired and 'just hangs around here'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine attempts compliments: 'Your beard is good.' / 'It's just a compliment for you... your beard.'

Jemaine:'You're good at finding shortcuts around this part of town.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Would it be gay to write you a song to cheer you up?' / 'No.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Bret, You Got It Going On' — the full song, particularly the 'not in a gay way' verse and the revelation that Jemaine put a wig on Bret while he slept on tour

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine denies having said anything about a wig despite it being in the song he literally just performed

Jemaine:'Not that I did it.' — Jemaine's brief, isolated disclaimer after philosophically defending the non-gayness of wig-spooning

Jemaine · Bret:Second dream: 1980 Bowie from 'Ashes to Ashes' video appears — Jemaine in a different Bowie-era costume

Jemaine:'Actually, come to think of it, the same thing happened to me when I wore an eye patch. It was always, "Bowie's bumped into a door."'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret asks Bowie if a friend putting a wig on you while lonely and pretending you're a woman is gay

Jemaine · Bret:Bowie's second piece of advice: 'It doesn't hurt to do something absolutely outrageous.' / 'Like what?' / 'Well, you'll know what to do, Bret. And you'll know exactly when the time is right.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel's compliment session for Bret: 'Hotter than Jemaine.' / 'You have a refined bone structure whereas Jemaine's facial features are too deep-set to be classically handsome.' / 'You're a better singer too. Yeah, Jemaine's often flat.'

Jemaine · Bret:After Mel leaves, Jemaine says 'What's her problem?' — completely unaware that he engineered the whole thing

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine worriedly asks if his facial features are too deep-set to be classically handsome; Bret says 'I've got no idea'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · David Armstrong:The meeting with the greeting card company — Murray explaining what a greeting card with music is to the executive who makes them

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · Mr. Armstrong:Mr. Armstrong patiently explains three times how musical greeting card chips work — each time Bret/Jemaine compare it to something wrong (CD, headphones, Walkman)

Jemaine · Murray · David Armstrong:'Um, David, when will this meeting actually begin?' / 'Well it's... it has begun.' / 'They didn't do a roll call.'

Jemaine · Bret:Third dream: 1986 Bowie from 'Labyrinth' — Jemaine now in a third distinct Bowie costume

Jemaine · Bret:'So you showed your penis to the man from the greeting-card company?' / 'That was your idea.' / 'I didn't mean something like that.'

Jemaine:Bowie: 'I meant on your face, Bret. On your face.'

Jemaine:Bowie admits he's totally lost confidence in his ability to help people and calls himself useless

Bret · Jemaine:'Jemaine actually thinks that maybe you're a figment of my imagination.' / 'I might as well be, Bret. I might as well be.'

Jemaine · Bret:'I'm going to a party.' / 'Sounds cool. Where's the party?' / 'In space, Bret. In space.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Bowie's in Space' — the full closing song, particularly 'Does the space cold make your nipples go pointy, Bowie?' and 'Do you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antennae to transmit data back to Earth?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Do you smoke grass out in space, Bowie? / Or do they smoke... AstroTurf?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Drawn in by its groovatational pull' and 'I'm jamming out with the Mick Jaggernauts'

Bret · Jemaine:Episode coda: Bret concludes that if dream-Bowie lacks confidence, 'maybe most people aren't that confident... I'm not gonna worry about being confident.' Jemaine: 'Yeah, we don't need to worry about being confident.' Then: 'But it's not really him though. It's a dream.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's 'guess what's in my hand' game: guesses are 'a biscuit' and 'another kind of biscuit' and 'a really big biscuit'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The greeting card deal: half a million cards speculated, but only 50 are being made. 'We've got 50¢, so how much are your coffees?' / '60¢.' — they can't afford coffee

Murray · Jemaine:Jemaine can't get a copy of the card because 'that would cost more than 50¢, and then we'd be down, wouldn't we? The whole thing would be a waste.'

Fruit Vendor · Jemaine · Bret:The fruit vendor refuses to serve Jemaine and Bret specifically because they are from New Zealand, treating it as a serious racial grievance

Murray · Jemaine:'Nothing from your mom, Jemaine.' — Murray notes, with clinical indifference, that Jemaine received nothing

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:'I moved in with you guys for a month. I was upset, remember?' — Murray reveals his separation from his wife, which Jemaine and Bret had completely failed to understand at the time

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'You talked me down off the roof.' — Murray reveals he was on a roof during his breakdown; Bret and Jemaine slowly, unconvincingly remember

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine and Bret debate whether the fruit vendor was 'racist' or just 'a little bit rude'

Jemaine · Bret:SONG: 'Albi the Racist Dragon' — an apparently sincere children's TV show song about a dragon who is racist

Bret · Jemaine:'Albi the Racist Dragon' song/story — opening: children's TV show framing with dragon who is explicitly racist

Narrator · Jemaine · Bret:Song ends: '# Albi, the Racist... #' pause '# ...Dragon #' with rider 'Well, not anymore.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine and Bret are visibly crying at 'Albi the Racist Dragon' — a children's cartoon about a racist dragon

Bret · Jemaine:Reaction shot: Bret is crying at Albi the Racist Dragon. 'Are you crying over the kids' show?' / 'Yes. So?'

Jemaine · Bret · Bus Driver:Jemaine and Bret are directed to the back of a bus by a driver — a direct visual parody of Rosa Parks-style segregation, applied to New Zealanders

Jemaine:'Why don't you get an apple from someone who doesn't hate our country, Bret?' — Jemaine's commentary during the montage

New Vendor · Bret · Jemaine:'You can buy apples from over there... my special New Zealand section.' / 'There's a dog in the New Zealand section.' / 'Well, it's for dogs from America and people from New Zealand.'

Jemaine · New Vendor · Bret:'Yeah, you're being racist.' / 'How dare you call me a racist!' / 'He doesn't mean racist. He means xenophobic.' / 'Oh. Well, you're being xenophobic.'

Jemaine · New Vendor · Bret:'Are you counting in your head?' 'Yeah.' 'What are you up to?' 'Seven.' 'Oh.'

Jemaine · Bret:SONG: 'Too Many Motherf**kers' — Jemaine raps an explicit hip-hop song about bureaucratic frustration (bank fees) and fruit-stand racism, with bleeped profanity

Jemaine:'I pay my motherf**king rent fortnightly' — within the rap song

Jemaine:'The motherf**ker runs a racist f**king grocery / The motherf**ker won't sell an apple to a Kiwi'

Jemaine:Rap threatens to 'juice the motherf**ker' and promises 'he's gonna wake up in a smoothie'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:'We're in the middle of a race war, Murray.' / 'What's that?' / 'Bad. We're in the middle of a race war.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:'We've been too busy with the race war.' / 'We're in a race war.' / 'All right!' — Murray's excited response

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'We've been too busy with the race war.' / 'We're in a race war.' / 'All right!' / 'It's very time consuming.'

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:'Have you thought about adding some more words?' / 'I don't know. I don't want to make it too convoluted.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's notes on Jessica: 'She's got great legs... great hair... smokin' hot. Whew.' — Jemaine and Bret react with increasing enthusiasm

Jemaine:Jemaine spontaneously offers lyrics: '# Hot leggy blonde chick, got it going on / Wanna see you wearing that thong thong thong... panties on #'

Jemaine · Bret · Dave:'Sometimes what I do is I think mean thoughts about the person.' / 'How do they know?' / 'They don't know. I know, that's why I didn't suggest it.'

Dave · Jemaine · Bret:'Flip him the bird' — Dave's instruction; neither Jemaine nor Bret know what 'the bird' is

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's 'bird': he extends the wrong finger and says 'Well, that bird doesn't have any wings. It's only got one leg.'

Jemaine:'It was either this or getting you sent into Alcatraz.' — Jemaine's explanation to the vendor of why they chose the bird over the strychnine plan

Jemaine:Jemaine's speech: '...Or whether they spell words slightly differently... some would say more correctly.'

Jemaine · Bret:'No, you're thinking of Australians.' — the revelation that the vendor has been confusing New Zealanders with Australians the whole time

Jemaine:'Th... they're like, "Where's the car?" And we're like, "Where's the car?"' — Jemaine demonstrates the supposedly distinct accents

Fruit Vendor · Bret · Jemaine:The vendor apologizes and gives them free fruit; they're suddenly best friends with Sinjay the vendor after the entire episode's conflict

Jemaine · Bret · Murray:SONG: 'Leggy Blonde' — Murray's full love song for Jessica, incorporating the budgie, the pie, and the thong lyrics as a complete musical number after she's gone

Jemaine:'Her hair down to her legs / And her legs down to the floor'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'# I had a budgie but it died #' — appears mid-song in 'Leggy Blonde'

Jemaine:Final verse: 'I'll never get to tear your clothes off on the photocopier' — in the middle of the sincere, sad romantic outro

Jemaine · Bret:Finale: Jemaine's 'thong thong thong / panties on' verse from the earlier workplace meeting is incorporated into the full 'Leggy Blonde' song as the closing verse

Bret · Jemaine:The looping 'What are you talking about?' exchange where neither character can follow the other's logic

Jemaine:Bret's two-hour pre-negotiation: 'We've been out here talking about it for two hours now.'

Bret · Jemaine:The wingman coaching goes immediately wrong: 'Yes, that's true, he would.' / 'He's very popular.'

Jemaine:Jemaine spontaneously breaks into French: 'Je voudrais un croissant' — to a bewildered café worker

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray observes the two women chatting: 'They're having a nice conversation.' / 'Do you like having nice conversations?' / 'No. Nope.'

Jemaine · Bret:The girlfriend mix-up: 'I was talking to Lisa... I ended up talking to Felicia, when I should be talking to Lisa.' / 'You ARE talking to Lisa.' / '...Right, well that's obviously what's happened. We should swap.'

Jemaine · Felicia · Bret:'Oh look, Bret's feeling Felicia's breast.' / 'I'm Felicia. That's Lisa.' / 'Feeling Lisa's breast then, probably.' / 'Yeah.' / 'That must be nice for her.'

Bret · Jemaine · Lisa · Felicia:Bret tries to leave the date early, gets overruled by his own date and then misidentifies her

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray shares his own romantic history unprompted: 'I've told you about how far I've been with Shelly, last Christmas Eve.' / 'Yeah, I don't want to hear that again.'

Murray · Jemaine:'What about you, Jemaine?' / 'Um, I saw Bret feeling that lady's breast.'

Jemaine:'It's girls and spaghetti. We love girls and spaghetti.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret worries about seeming easy: 'I don't want her to think that I'm easy.' / Jemaine: 'You want her to think you're more difficult?'

Jemaine:Visual gag: Bret's 'too provocative' outfit is presumably completely normal; Jemaine says 'you're showing a little too much arm' / 'You look a little cheap'

Jemaine:'Wear something a little sluttier. Give her something to look at.' (Jemaine's advice)

Jemaine:The bear metaphor: 'You don't want the bear to go completely hungry, you don't want it to attack, so give it a little bait, keep it interested.'

Jemaine:'A little muscley.' (Jemaine's only comment after saying goodbye to Felicia)

Bret · Jemaine · Lisa:Bret asks to come up for tea; Lisa says it's a small flat; Bret asks Jemaine 'How long do you wait before letting a girl come upstairs?' / Jemaine: 'Three years.'

Bret · Jemaine:'I'm only one man' / 'We're only two men, ladies'

Bret · Jemaine:'Well, it turns out she's very aggressive.' / 'Did she hit you?' / 'No, she wanted to go all the way.' / 'Mmm.' / 'I thought you already did go all the way.' / 'No, now she wants to have sex.'

Jemaine · Bret:'What gave you that impression?' / 'She jumped on top of me and then touched me on the penis.' / 'Oh I see. You're lying.'

Bret · Jemaine:'It's like that scene from Top Gun. You know your favorite scene in Top Gun?' / 'I don't know that movie.' / 'Yeah, it's your favorite scene.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Well, I just said I'm not ready to have sex.' / 'And that worked?' / 'No, that didn't work at all, 'cause then she wanted to have sex.' / 'Oh. It worked then, good.'

Jemaine:'I think Felicia's pretty keen too. She gave me this free day-old croissant.'

Jemaine:Jemaine's silent reaction after Dave's Mrs. Chang reveal

Jemaine · Felicia:Jemaine preemptively tells Felicia he doesn't want to have sex with her; she says she doesn't want to either; Jemaine's reaction: 'Oh. Oh... ooh ooh!'

Jemaine:'Is it because I'm too dangerous? 'Cause you think I'm just gonna ride out of this town the same way I rode in, and when I go, I'll take your heart with me?'

Jemaine · Felicia:The circular negotiation of mutual non-consent: 'Don't want to.' 'Don't want to.' 'Do not want to.' 'Me too, don't want to.' 'Don't want to' and 'don't want to.' 'Okay, let's not then.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine is in the shower when Bret enters crying; Jemaine: 'Could you please get out of here? I'm having a shower.' / 'Okay. I was in here first. You come in here with your clothes on, crying.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?' / 'I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.' / 'What?' / 'Yeah, Iraq.'

Jemaine · Bret:'But she works in the croissant shop.' / 'Yeah, well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.'

Jemaine:'Well, if it makes you feel better, me and Felicia are probably gonna have to break up too. She keeps pressuring me into sex. Give me some more sex. Oh, give me a rest...'

Jemaine:Well, if it makes you feel better, me and Felicia are probably gonna have to break up too. She keeps pressuring me into sex. 'Give me some more sex.' Oh, give me a rest...

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The talking stove: 'Cheer up, Bret. / Mmm, it's the talking stove. / Things'll work out. / Yeah? / You love the talking stove. / Oh, let's make a cake.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Can I have one? / You can have a whole box. There you go. / Really? / Yes, take it home. I can't store them here.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The boxes of CDs turn out to be sawdust

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'I should find Quincy Jones and let him know what his brother's up to. He needs to know this.' / 'Oh, I haven't got his number.' / 'You could email him.' / 'I'd love to email him.'

Jemaine:Jemaine mocks Bret for having said 'I love you': 'I know! You see him? I love you.' (mocking voice)

Jemaine · Bret:'Your real problem, Bret, is the kind of girls you go for. You're attracted to bastards. Bastard girls.' / 'It's true.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'It's not ideal.' / 'It's not ideal, but yeah, they're still getting out there, aren't they?' / 'Yeah, well, they're blank though.' / 'Yeah, but they'll be out there, and... you know.' / 'As blanks.' / 'Yeah.' / 'It's good.' / 'It's good, I know.'

Jemaine · Bret:'That girl wasn't right for you.' / 'Yeah, I guess she wasn't really good enough for me.' / 'I was thinking she was too good for you.' / 'She was actually too good for me.' / 'Yes, a bit too pretty for you.' / 'Hmm.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray calls a band meeting and announces their 'biggest gig ever' with dramatic buildup, then reveals it's Central Park

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray crossed out 'bus' on the itinerary and wrote 'bus' again because 'Honda Accord' was too long to fit in the gap

Murray · Jemaine:Murray mentions a car has been tailing them for an hour; Jemaine says 'It's probably Mel stalking us' with complete matter-of-factness

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:The 'airport gig' is revealed to be a hotel lobby at LaGuardia — Murray introduces it as 'at the airport, in the hotel... in the lounge'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's post-gig speech: 'Thank you very much, um, to the La Guardia Hotel lobby...' — Jemaine: 'Shut up, Bret.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Listen to the crowd.' Jemaine: 'There's hardly anyone here.' Murray: 'Yeah, it's subsided now. A lot of people have gone to get their flights.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine has spent his entire week's per diem on a leather suit

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Per diem means for the day.' Jemaine: 'Well, I don't know Latin.' Murray: 'Well, you should have said... per weekem would be the correct term.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bret asking for 'some of the chips that you said Bret could have' — the chip negotiation chain

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine and Bret fighting over the TV antenna to maintain reception while one is trying to watch a movie

Bret · Jemaine:Bret takes nuts from the minibar after being explicitly told not to — and the TV falls out the window

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Would you like some mixed nuts?' Jemaine: 'Have you got any cashews?' Murray: 'No, I picked them out.' Jemaine: 'Typical.'

Jemaine · Bret:The leather suits have already 'snugged up in certain areas... and in other areas, also yes'

Woman · Jemaine · Bret:Women bet on whether they're a band or magicians or gay — 'Looks like Becky and Kathy were wrong. And Lisa and Tawny and Tracy...'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Uh, we just got two fresh waters, so—' Woman: 'We'd be delighted.' — Bret overrides Jemaine's refusal

Jemaine · Women:Woman asks why they're dressed the same; Jemaine asks if they're 'sexy nurses' — they're a water polo team

Jemaine · Bret:Water polo in New Zealand: 'Do we? Pfft. It's our national sport. Every single person plays it. Bret's mom plays it.'

Woman · Bret · Jemaine:'Throw another shrimp on the barbie.' Bret: 'That's an Australian saying...' Jemaine: 'Throw another shrimp on the barbie. Crikey! Wha!'

Jemaine · Bret · Woman:Jemaine writing down the room number with unnecessary precision: 'Be... be tidy about it.' Woman: 'I like your 2. It's nice.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'So what is water polo?' Bret: 'It's like polo but in the water.' Jemaine: 'On sea horses?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Like mermaids.' Jemaine: 'Yes. Like mermaids.' — transition into the Mermaid song

Bret · Jemaine:SONG: 'Mermaid' — the entire musical sequence as a comedic set piece

Jemaine · Bret:'Is it normal for a guy to wear SCUBA apparatus when he makes love in the sea?'

Jemaine · Bret:'Or are you an optical illusion caused by a woman sitting on a rock holding half a fish? Half a sexy fish.'

Jemaine · Bret:After five hours waiting, Jemaine: 'Do you think maybe... they're not coming, maybe?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Hotel bill: 'Minibar charge, 0.00... Drinks charged to the room from hotel bar, $352.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'The waters were about $175.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine's bar bill autograph: 'Oh no, that's my autograph.' Murray: 'Yup, same... that's what a signature is.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's car rolls into the pool while he's arguing — 'Go! Move the car.' / 'Oh, flub.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'First Jemaine with the mixed nuts, then the TV. And finally, Bret, you drive my Honda into the pool!' — 'Personally, I prefer the mixed nuts caper. At least that was original.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine: 'Personally, I prefer the mixed nuts caper. At least that was original.' Murray: 'Thank you.'

Bret · Jemaine:They discover they have no money for a bus after Murray quits — 'I guess there's no choice, really.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The boys present Murray with a leather suit as a peace offering — 'It's a little big. But get it wet and it snugs up.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Yeah, I can't even get mine off.'

Murray · Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Thanks, Murray.' Murray: 'But it is.' Jemaine: '...' Murray: 'There there.' — beat — 'There there there there there there.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The potato/one-potato-two attempt at a handshake ritual that no one knows — 'Potato? / One potato, two... / No, just leave it.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Did you miss me?' Bret: 'Little bit.' Murray: 'Little bit, eh? Jemaine?' Jemaine: '...' [long pause] '...Oh...'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:The Central Park reveal: 'This isn't Central Park.' — 'Yes it is. It's a central park.' — 'I said a central park in Newark... New Jersey.'

Jemaine · Murray:'Cause there was probably only one entry. — No, there was hundreds, actually. — Really? — Yep. They're all from Mel.

Murray · Jemaine:And one from Jemaine. — Right. — But he was disqualified.

Bret · Jemaine:The 'Ladies of the World' song — escalating list of nationalities/descriptors culminating in 'Amphibian / Lady' and 'Hermaphrodite / Lady-man lady'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Really good. Different start to the song. — What were you doing there? — No, it's the same. — Oh, okay. So... [hums the tuning sequence] — Well, we were tuning. — Oh, okay.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:I bought you guys a beer. — I don't even drink beer. — I don't drink it either. — Just drink it, will you? It's good for the rock 'n' roll image.

Murray · Jemaine:I do things for my image... make it more rock 'n' roll with the goatee and everything. — I don't like this goatee. I hate it. — Makes you look like a goat, doesn't it? — Yeah, exactly. But you've gotta make sacrifices for success.

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine, those girls are looking over at us. — Do you think they might be looking at me? — They're looking at all of us!

Jemaine · Murray:Tell you what, maybe if I pretend to go to the toilet, you guys see if they're looking at me. [Murray watches] — No, they're not looking at me! — I might actually go to the toilet now that I'm over here!

New Fan · Jemaine:I really like that one you did about how you liked to rock the party. — I like to rock the party. — You must have been really wasted when you wrote that.

Jemaine · Bret:Oh, yes, we were tripping when we wrote that one, that's right. — We were totally whacked off. — What? — Whacked off? — Uh, that's just a drug term we use back in New Zealand when we're out of it. We say 'Oh, man, I was whacked off last night.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Well, how about that, eh? A real rock 'n' roll band. — That'll be the beer, you see? — Yeah. — My goatee probably would've helped as well. — I think it was more the beer. — They weren't looking at your goatee. — Yes they were. One of them was.

Murray · Jemaine:Actually, Jemaine, I've had a really good response from something that happened with you when you were alone with the webcam. — Do you know what that would be? — I didn't know we had a webcam.

Jemaine · Murray:I think I might sleep in the lounge from now on. — Oh, okay. Well, here we go. There's the lounge. [shows webcam of the lounge too]

Jemaine · Murray:Is this relevant? — Yes!

Bret · Jemaine · Mel:Hey, guys, watch this. [extended pause — Bret watches for his moment to escape] — Great. — Thanks, Mel. — There's your beer. — Yum! Yum! That's good. Wow. — I just need to go to the toilet. Excuse me.

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine, Mel thinks they're not interested in the band, they're interested in sex. — Sorry we have to run off, Mel. — That was delicious! Congratulations on the prize.

Summer · Bret · Jemaine:So, uh, you guys want to get whacked off? — What? — Yeah. Whacked off, you know, do some drugs. — Mmm. — Oh.

Bret · Jemaine · Summer:Bret and Jemaine's excuses not to take acid: Bret has a cold (airborne), Jemaine has the same airborne cold, then they negotiate down to a 16th of a portion.

Jemaine · Summer:Oh, thank you. Is that it? — No, that's a dry piece of skin. You dropped it. — There you go. Go on. Lick it!

Bret · Jemaine:The 'Pretty Prince of Parties' song — surreal acid-trip musical number with nonsense rhymes ('flunky bunky dunky'), Mickey Maori minstrel, and sustained la-la section.

Bret · Jemaine:Pretty Prince of Parties: 'You're a flunky bunky dunky' and 'I'm a pitcher of holy water'

Bret · Jemaine:Oh, pretty prince of parties / Where's the party now? — I don't know. / Oh, pretty prince of parties / Where does water go? — I let it flow.

Summer · Jemaine:I'm really kind of nervous. — How come? — I'm going to suggest that we have a threesome.

Jemaine:Oh. [pause] I just have to go and talk to Bret quickly.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret, you got to go home. — Why? — Because I've been offered a threesome. — What about me? — No, you're not included. Go home.

Bret · Jemaine:You ever had a threesome? — Nearly. — What you mean, nearly? — I had a twosome. — Wow. What was that like? — Great. I've done it several times, man. — Just one of you there, then one... — Yeah. — Oh no, I've had a twosome! — That's just the normal way. — Yes.

Jemaine · Bret:Is it impolite not to do it considering she's offered and it's her place? — No. Can't do it. No. — I won't do it. — What, you're not doing it? — No way. — If you're not doing it, I might do it. — Are you gonna do it? — Yeah, why not? I'm gonna go for it. — Okay, let's do it. — No, don't do it.

Bret · Jemaine:Yeah, but if you do it and I'm not there, you're back to a two-way. — Oh, yes, you're right.

Jemaine · Bret:I think we should just go in there and say thank you and then go home. — No, we'll feel obliged to do it. — Let's just climb out the window and go home. Come on.

Bret · Summer · Jemaine:Oh, hi, Summer. — Hey. — Bret, what are you doing? — Um... yeah. — Um... — Oh, hey.

Bret · Jemaine:Again, just want to say thank you for a delightful evening. — Thanks for the acids. — And the offer of the threesome. — And, um... — Really wonderful night.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The new fans gave us illegal drugs and wanted to have a threesome with us. — Whoa, really? — Mmm. — That's pretty rock 'n' roll. — No, it was very awkward.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's band meeting response to 'the new fans gave us illegal drugs and wanted to have a threesome': 'Whoa, really? That's pretty rock 'n' roll.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Okay, now look, you've lost your fan list now. The two new fans have dropped out of the gang. — We still got Mel. — Nope, she's gone as well. She's off the list. — Really? — Yes. — How many fans have we got now? — None. Empty club. I've put a note here... no one.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray asks Jemaine to join the fan list; Jemaine says yes. Murray asks Bret. Bret: 'No way. No, I'm just not a fan of the band at all.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Oh no, here we go. Perhaps here, Jemaine, would you like to join the list? — Yes. — Yeah? Okay. What about you, Bret? Can you join the fan list? — No way. — No, I'm just not a fan of the band at all.

Bret · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine. — Hmm? — Last night, did you... look? — We agreed never to talk about this. — Yeah, but did you look? — I didn't look. — Did you look? — I had my eyes shut most of the time. — What do you mean most of the time? — I opened them a little bit so I could see what I was doing.

Jemaine:Actually, me and her both took a break for a while. You were just up there by yourself.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · Mel:Murray's voice from webcam: 'Go to sleep. Stop chatting.' / 'All right, Murray.' / 'Good night.' / 'Say good night for me.' / 'Just wave at him.' / 'Say goodnight to Mel.' / 'All right. Good night, Mel.' / Mel's voice: 'Good night.'

Bret · Jemaine:The opening song 'Are you feeling the feeling? / Feeling the feeling / That I'm feeling / That we're feeling' — an impossibly vague, self-eating lyric delivered with full sincerity

Bret · Jemaine:Bret thanks the audience 'on behalf of Jemaine and myself,' Jemaine immediately interjects 'Not... not me.' Then Bret corrects to just himself.

Bret · Jemaine:After the gig, Bret says 'I thought that went pretty well.' Jemaine: 'It was terrible.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'It was just the wrong sort of crowd.' Jemaine: 'You can't call that a crowd.' Bret: 'Yeah, three's a crowd.' Jemaine: 'That was definitely a crowd.'

Bret · Jemaine · Ben:The guy who approaches them was 'in the audience.' Bret: 'Uh, you were the guy with the soup?' The man confirms. 'What was the soup like?' 'It was good.' 'We get some free soup for doing the gig.'

Ben · Bret · Jemaine:Ben praises 'the attention to detail with your stage characters... the idea of a pair of naive idiots from New Zealand... very funny.' Then asks 'So where are you guys from? The Julliard School of the Performing Arts?' They confirm New Zealand.

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bret suggests giving out free pencils to get bigger audiences. Murray: 'No, you're not in New Zealand now, Bret.' Exchange about how pencil giveaways got 20 people to a gig.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's response to asking if he got a record deal: 'Probably not, I guess.' Then: 'Not even a Thanks for the demo. We're not interested. But thanks again for trying... every day.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The 'Cheer Up Murray' song begins — particularly the birthday cake in the shape of a 4 and a 3 because they thought he was 43.

Bret · Jemaine:'You've got a dog / He loves you, Murray / It's one hell of a dog / It's an English bulldog'

Bret · Jemaine:'You've got all of your limbs / You've got a sensitive nose / And you do tai kwan do / You're good at matching your ties to your clothes'

Bret · Jemaine:'You've got a wife, though she comes and go-o-oes'

Bret · Jemaine:'Some people don't return your calls / They don't return your calls / People will call you Ginger Balls / They'll call you Ginger Balls'

Bret · Jemaine:'Cheer up, Murray, it's time to forget / Your wife met someone on the net'

Jemaine · Murray · Ben (as Stefan):Jemaine asks if it's a good deal; Murray says yes; Jemaine asks again; Murray says yes; this repeats four times. Then Jemaine asks 'What about for you? Is it a good deal for you?' Ben: 'Quite frankly, this is a terrible deal for me.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Band meeting — Murray: 'I've done the mathematics in my head. The percentages are in our favor.' Jemaine: 'Any. You haven't seen any [deals].'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The band vote: two Ayes, Murray says Nay. 'Two ayes, one nay, you're gone. Motion carried.'

Murray · Ben · Bret · Jemaine:Murray announces they've taken the deal. Ben: 'What are you doing?' Murray: 'I just got a bit carried away. I was... just... Stefan's so good at it.' Ben: 'Yeah, but, I mean, Murray, he's having a good time.'

Dave · Bret · Jemaine:Dave's story about 'four or five really hot foreign chicks... Swedish or Korean... wanting a five-way' used as an analogy for the value of honesty.

Bret · Jemaine:'Frodo, Don't Wear the Ring' — the full musical number, sincere LOTR-advice song in multiple genres

Ben · Bret · Jemaine · Mel:LOTR video shoot: famous LOTR lines delivered in a low-budget setting — 'I'm not a conjurer of cheap tricks!' in particular, followed by the full 'You have my sword / And my bow / And my axe'

Jemaine:The LOTR rap verse: 'Yo Frodo, what you doin' wearing the ring / All-powerful jewelry, is that your new thing / I know it's hard when you're little more than 3'4" / Your little ass so close to the floor / Tryin' to lead the fellows to the gates of Mordor'

Jemaine:'I don't rap about bitches and hos / I rap about witches and trolls / 'Cause I'm passing on the word to the elf king'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray has bought cigars for the wrap party. 'I don't smoke.' 'Oh yeah, I don't smoke.' 'Well, neither do I, but it's a special occasion.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'There's something I've got to tell you about the video.' Murray cuts them off: 'I know. That it's the best thing I've ever done in my life, right?' 'Yeah.' Murray: 'It is, yeah... I already know that.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray offers to put drinks on the tab: 'Drinks are on us!' Jemaine: 'Uh, no, we probably shouldn't.' Murray: 'Don't worry about it, Jemaine.' Here's to Flight of the Conchords! The drinks are on us!'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The bill arrives: $600. Murray reveals he has a 'special industry code' from Stefan that pays for everything: 'Drinks, jet boats, caviar, everything.' He whispers the code to the waiter.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine reveal Ben isn't a real executive: 'He's a dry cleaner.' Murray: 'What do you mean? Of course he's an exec. Good one. What about the conference call between him, me, Peter Jackson, the guy from the mafia?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Well, that went better than I thought it would. Yeah, that cleared it up.'

Ben · Bret · Jemaine:Ben (out of character): 'That was not me. That was Stefan. But it was you. No no no no. Stefan is his own person. It looked like you. Sure! You play Stefan. Stefan works through me. He's like a spirit.'

Jemaine:Jemaine reports the damage: Murray might have to move into his office. 'When he lives in his office, he washes his underpants in the sink and dries them in the microwave. It's very humiliating for everyone involved.'

Ben · Bret · Jemaine:Ben reveals he's going to Hollywood for a Martin Scorsese film. 'What's it called?' 'Dry Cleaner.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Oh at least that's good news for Ben. Bret... he's acting. You think that was acting? He's acting. God, he's good. He is good. He's very good.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine · Dry cleaner:Dry cleaning shop worker: 'Could you guys please leave? We're waiting on our dry cleaning.' Murray: 'Fuck.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'A 90/10 split. That's ridiculous. Not even Crowded House gets a 90/10 split.' 'Don't they?' 'No. 80/20, maybe, but 90/10's unheard of.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'I know it's pretend, but I thought you did really well in that meeting.' Bret confirms. Murray: 'I was hoping you'd bring that up. I kind of felt that as well. Did you? Yeah, I did do well, didn't I? That was my proudest moment, that meeting.'

Murray · Todd · Bret · Jemaine:Murray loops back to item one after being challenged, announces 'Item one: Todd. Yeah, he's the new band member.' Todd says 'Hi.' Murray immediately pivots: 'Right. Item two...'

Todd · Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Todd plays a bongo solo that stops everyone in their tracks — the 'Whoa!' reaction and subsequent awed discussion of the bongo performance.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray claims adding Todd was a good idea like his past managerial advice: 'Like that time I saw you for the first time onstage. I said "Face the front," and you did. We've never looked back since, have we?'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray: 'Like the song.' / Jemaine: 'Which song?' / Murray: 'The John Lennon one, you know.' / Jemaine: 'Give Peace a Chance.' / Murray: 'Give Pete a Chance.'

Todd · Bret · Jemaine:Todd suggests a song where Bret and Jemaine put their guitars down and bark like dogs ('Arf, arf!') while he plays bongos.

Jemaine · Todd · Bret:Jemaine: 'I dance when I'm angry.' / Todd: 'When you're angry? Who dances when they're angry?' / Jemaine: 'I guess that's about it.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'The thing is, uh, we've been practicing for 56 minutes and... that's how long we practice for.'

Todd · Bret · Jemaine:Todd: 'Looks like the race is on. Gentlemen, start your engines. Vroom!' / Bret and Jemaine awkwardly attempt 'Vroom!' back.

Todd · Jemaine:Todd: 'So what's she like? She's a maniac. In the sack? Really?' / Jemaine: 'No. What?'

Todd · Jemaine:Todd: 'Oh, I thought you had a threesome with her.' / Jemaine: 'No, she's just a fan. Never had a threesome with her.'

Jemaine · Todd:Oh no, she's married. / Who cares? I'm a bongo player in a band.

Todd · Bret · Jemaine:Todd's repeated 'Am I right? Am I right? / Possibly. / Possibly? I'm right.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Bret: 'He's not cool like us. We're cool.' / Murray: 'He's way cool! He's cooler than both of you put together.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray: 'He's like the Pied Piper of cool.' / Jemaine: 'Pied Piper was a good musician, wasn't he?' / Murray: 'He was cool.' / Jemaine: 'He wasn't cool. He took all those kids into a cave.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Okay, I'm just gonna go over there and say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."' / Jemaine: 'Make sure you say "Dear Todd."'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret tells Jemaine he fired Todd; then reveals that while he had Todd in a headlock, Todd 'explained why he thought you shouldn't be in the band... after about 20 seconds it kind of made sense.'

Jemaine · Bret:Bret: 'But you can't do that...' / Jemaine: 'Listen, we'll talk about it later. I've gotta go to band practice now. Todd's very strict.'

Jemaine · Todd:Jemaine in band practice: 'Todd, how about you get down on all fours and wag your tail like you just can't fail and I'll just play bass, huh?'

Jemaine:Todd, how about you get down on all fours and wag your tail like you just can't fail and I'll just play bass, huh?

Todd · Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Todd, I don't like this kind of music.' / Todd: 'It's not about the music. You know what it's about? [sings] The pussy!'

Bret · Todd · Jemaine:Bret offers to carry Todd's bongos and then Jemaine's guitar as a roadie. 'No one's touching my bongos. You know that.' / Jemaine: 'Well, I don't really need you to, Bret.'

Todd · Jemaine:Am I right? / Yeah, obviously you're right, yeah. / So why do you care about the music?

Bret · Jemaine:Do you need someone to carry your guitar, Jemaine? / Well, I don't really need you to, Bret. / Okay. / I get it. / Not needed.

Jemaine · Todd:Jemaine: 'It's not ready.' / Todd: 'It's totally ready.' / Jemaine: 'It's not ready, Todd.' [cut] Todd: 'All right, you're right. Let's get it perfect.' / Jemaine: 'Yeah, let's get it perfect and then we'll maybe do it another time.' / Todd: 'Yeah, am I right?' / Jemaine: 'Yes.'

Bret · Jemaine · Todd:Bret calls his competing band 'Original Flight of the Conchords.' / Jemaine: 'You can't call it that.' / Bret: 'It's not. It's called the Original Flight of the Conchords. You guys can be called Flight of the Condors, or whatever.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Why did you fire Bret, Jemaine?' / Jemaine: 'Well, I was trying to fire Todd but he did a sad face at me.'

Murray · Jemaine:It's got to come from a higher authority. / Are you sure? / Ye... no. I'll have to check.

Jemaine · Bret:Bret: 'What do you care for anyway, Bret? You're always quitting. Probably just quit in half an hour anyway.'

Bret · Jemaine:[Song: 'The Distant Future'] — Robot characters sing 'The humans are dead / We used poisonous gasses / And we poisoned their asses.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret complains that Demetri copies his dance moves. / Jemaine: 'What moves? You don't have dance moves.' / Bret: 'He also started copying my look.' / Jemaine: 'What look?'

Bret · Jemaine:Demetri and me are doing pretty well. It's probably better than you and me as well. / Really? / Yeah. / Hmm.

Murray · Jemaine:Murray calls the band meeting: 'Leave those girls alone there and come over.' / Jemaine: 'Okay, Bret.' / Murray: 'Jemaine.' / Jemaine: 'Standing right next to you.'

Murray · Jemaine · Todd:Murray: 'Actually, Jemaine, what about that song of Todd's? You could do the one about the dogs. "The Doggy Bounce."' / Jemaine: 'Bring that one in. I like that one.' [Todd]: 'Arf arf.' / Jemaine: 'Yeah, it's not ready though.'

Jemaine · Todd · Murray · Bret:Jemaine and Todd argue: 'It's been ready! It's been ready!' — Murray: 'Come on, listen. Look, shake hands.' / 'He's squeezing my hand a little bit.' / Todd: 'Are you? Just my regular handshake.' / Bret: 'There's no squeeze there. What a wuss.'

Jemaine · Bret:Mel rushes off; Jemaine plaintively calls after her: 'Hey, Mel, you didn't make it to our gig the other...' (trailing off as she leaves) / '...There was no one there...' / '...without you there.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Well, sorry I haven't been in touch. I've just been so busy, man, you know? / How are the Crazy Dogggz? / They're a phenomenon. Number one in 24 countries. / They say hi? / No.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Do we have any gigs, Murray?' / Murray: 'Yeah. Yeah, you've got the library. They want you back for the bingo night.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'So I'm gonna go there first, set them up, and then come back to the library, help you guys out, and then probably to and fro between the library and the stadium.' / Bret: 'Yeah, Murray, it seems like you're spending a lot more time with the Crazy Dogggz than us.' / Murray: 'No, equal time. Check my schedules, it's equal.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray calls band meeting roll call; Bret says 'Yes,' Jemaine says 'Also yes,' Murray says 'Present of course.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray announces R Kelly wants to sing on their next song — then realizes that's the Crazy Dogggz item too.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray defends his management: 'Before you came to me, you were poor and you had no gigs.' Bret: 'Now look at you.' Jemaine: 'We're poor and we've got no gigs.'

Bret · Jemaine:'We're slightly poorer.' / 'Yeah, Bret's only got one shoe.'

Murray · Jemaine:Item four on Murray's agenda: 'Stuff you.' Then 'Stuff you, Jemaine, and stuff you, Bret. And stuff you again, Jemaine.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray reveals the Gold records on the wall are fake — pencil sharpeners stuck to bits of wood — and the Grammys are fake too.

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine: 'I thought we won Best New Zealand Artists.' Murray: 'There's no such category, Jemaine.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray shows up at the gig and tells the boys he used to do things 'behind the scenes' — things they couldn't see. Bret: 'What, when we couldn't see you?' / 'What would you be doing behind the scenes? Having dinner? Going to the movies? Relaxing?'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'Photocopying. Haggling.' Jemaine: 'Higgling?' Murray: 'Yeah, do you know what that means?' Jemaine: 'Is that a word that you just made up?' Murray: 'It's made-up, yeah, but...'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray · Martin Clark:Emergency band meeting during the conversation with the agency executives. Murray: 'No, please, go on. Shoot.' Boys run off anyway. Martin Clark: 'Don't listen.'

Bret · Jemaine:Emergency band meeting within earshot: Item one is band merchandise — a t-shirt with 'Flight of the Conchords' written in tiny letters in pen. 'But we can't sell it tonight cause I'm wearing it.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret made band dolls — with a real denim jacket on one. 'How'd you get the jacket so realistic?' 'Yeah, that's real denim.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine apparently tries to take some of Bret's hair for the doll mid-meeting: 'And I just want to get some of your hair...' before being interrupted.

Jemaine · Bret · Martin Clark:Martin: 'I need a demo by the end of the week. Cool?' Bret: 'Yes.' Jemaine: 'Impossible. Oh. Yes.'

Bret · Jemaine:First attempt at femident jingle: '¶ Some women like men / some are lesbian / Femident toothpaste. ¶' — three lines, full stop.

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Women love weaving. They love to weave.' Bret: 'Nah, weaving is a man's game.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Women's rights.' Bret: 'No, that's more of a man's thing, isn't it?' — said without irony.

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Boys tell Murray 'It's easier than easy' / 'Easier than you thought.' Murray: 'Oh okay, so you're telling me it was unbelievably easy.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray plays them the Crazy Dogggz song and a Polish song that turns out to be identical — and came out 13 years earlier.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray tallying up 'bads' and 'normals' on the plagiarism question, getting confused about who said what: 'So you're normal... No, I'm bad... I've got three...'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Boys: 'Are you moving office, Murray?' Murray: 'I'm kind of moving.' Item three: 'Would any of you like to buy a desk?'

Bret · Jemaine · Martin Clark:Bret tries to pre-emptively negotiate ('We were wondering if you could double it') before Martin has named the fee, then has to unsay it.

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'I'm persona non regates.' / 'You're not at yacht race?'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray kicks them out of the car: 'I've got to go. That's enough. Thank you. Out you get. Gone. Both of you.' Jemaine: 'There wasn't a meeting, Murray. It doesn't count as a meeting.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Nice pants.' Bret: 'Are they woven? Wow.' / 'These are man-made.'

Bret · Jemaine:The Femident toothpaste jingle song performed in the commercial — 'You are a woman, you wear women's wear / you have breasts and longish hair, oh yeah / you're kind of fun everywhere / yet you're still very rare, oh yeah'

Bret · Jemaine:Jingle lyric: 'You're a woman and you love to weave / you're a woman, you have women's needs / I know you love women's rights / you're a woman with teeth, now take a bite'

Bret · Jemaine:After filming the commercial, the ad exec asks for work permits. Boys: 'We don't have work permits.' / 'Is it just a bit of card? Just a card, a greenish card? Is it like a library card?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'I don't think we're legally allowed to be in the country.' Jemaine: 'No, we're illegal immigrants.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray uses their legal crisis as leverage: 'If you hire me back, I'll tell you what to do.' They rehire him. 'What should we do?' Murray: 'I think we should run for it. Come on, let's go.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'I think there's a guardian angel looking after us. I'm sure of it.' Jemaine: 'Murray, it couldn't have possibly gone worse.'

Bret · Jemaine:Song lyric: 'Nobody knows what goes on / under those robes'

Jemaine · Bret:The cup roster debate — Jemaine has created a formal rotating schedule for a single shared cup

Jemaine:And then we give the cup a rest.

Jemaine:Okay, well, I just need a second to calm down.

Jemaine · Bret:The $2.79 cup causes cascading financial catastrophe: bounced phone check → $30 overdraft fee → bounced gas bill → $60 owed → phone and gas cut off

Jemaine · Bret:We got a letter from the electricity company. — What did it say? — Didn't read it.

Bret · Jemaine:The 'dad guitar' vs 'mum guitar' bit — Bret voices both as domestic archetypes

Jemaine:You'd have to be deaf to hear that. [Bret plays air guitar]

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray's newsletter review: 'Conchords crash and burn — by Murray Hewitt' — Murray wrote his own band's scathing review

Murray · Jemaine:Two stars out of 100, not out of five — 'Well, I wish it was, but it's out of 100.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:The Nigerian internet scam — Murray invested the band's emergency fund in an obvious internet scam from 'Nigel Soladu'

Jemaine · Mel:Who's gonna want to buy one of those, Bret? [cut to Mel immediately buying one]

Jemaine:I know it sounds good, but it's actually pretty dressing.

Mel · Jemaine · Bret:Oh, well, I could give you guys some money. — Yeah? — Thanks, Mel. — I mean, you would have to earn it, of course. I mean, I wouldn't insult you by giving you charity. — Do you guys... do massage?

Bret · Jemaine:The escalating finger-pointing over who does massage — both Bret and Jemaine simultaneously deny it while attributing it to the other

Jemaine:Prostitution is a quick way of making money. It is not degrading.

Jemaine:The Pretty Woman plot summary — 'It's a story about a prostitute called Richard Gere who gets to go out with a pretty woman Julia Roberts who pays him a lot of money.'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine, I don't think we're gonna get sex and get paid. — Why not? — 'Cause we never get sex or get paid.

Jemaine:Bret, the ladies go crazy for my sugarlumps.

Jemaine · Bret:SONG: 'Sugarlumps' — a Beyoncé-style empowerment anthem about Jemaine's genitals, complete with Bret as a backup dancer/vocalist

Bret · Jemaine:Hi, do you need a prostitute? — Sorry to interrupt, but do you see my friend over there with the red shirt? He's a bit of a part-time prostitute.

Jemaine:Might this entice you? Nut loaf.

Jemaine:Bret, perhaps you should wear shorts and show your legs off and maybe wear a cowboy hat and cover up your head a bit.

Jemaine · Bret:And also, I think you're gonna have to go the whole way. You can't just hug them. — Just hugs until I get more confident.

Jemaine:The pricing negotiation — Jemaine pitches prices: '20-40-60... Okay 10-30-50... $5. He'll go all the way and he's clean.'

Bret · Jemaine:What expression's on your face? — Um, guilty expression. — What expression's on your face? — Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied 'cause I was right about the cup.

Jemaine · Bret:The Superstraw economics reveal — it takes five straws at 50 cents each to make one Superstraw sold for $1, resulting in a net loss

Murray · Jemaine:It doesn't matter who wrote it, Jemaine. This is what people are reading. This is the written report on you that someone's written. — Yeah. You.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Can you think of any successful musicians with no instruments? — The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. — Boyz II Men. — Bobby McFerrin. — Pavarotti. — Bret's right. There are none.

Murray · Jemaine:I could work on that with you and get a cut of it. — You don't want to. — I'd like to. — No.

Jemaine:Jemaine calls Carol to retroactively charge for past sex — 'do you remember how we slept together about six times I think it was last year in February? Um, so I was wondering if I might be able to get some money for that, maybe about $40 a time? That's $3 off.'

Jemaine:Free condoms from the human condom! [Jemaine dressed as a condom handing out free condoms on the street]

Mel · Jemaine:Mel sees Jemaine's lobby ad — 'I saw it on the advertisement on the lobby notice board. Did you take that off the lobby notice board? — Yes, and I don't have my own copy.'

Mel · Jemaine:Try hotels... fancy ones and ones near the airport. — Oh, okay. — How did you know that? — I read it in a book. — What book? — Just a normal book.

Jemaine · Mel:'What was the title?' — 'Just How to Get It Done.'

Bret · Jemaine:SONG: 'You Don't Have to Be a Prostitute' — Bret sings a power ballad to rescue Jemaine from prostitution, with practical domestic advice embedded in the verses

Jemaine:Jemaine's prostitution client rules: No laughing, especially during; overtime charges after 20 minutes; client shower policy

Jemaine · Client:Number two: If you go overtime, I'm gonna have to charge you for the next 20 minutes. One or two minutes is... / Do you want to do this or not? / Uh, yes I do.

Jemaine:No laughing, especially during, okay? It puts me off.

Bret · Jemaine:The client has a shower — [Bret arrives to rescue Jemaine mid-appointment]

Jemaine · Bret:Get out of here. — No, I'm serious. It's totally fine. — Murray said it's degrading as well. — Oh, it isn't degrading. It's fine. — Are you sure? — Yeah yeah yeah. It is more social.

Bret · Jemaine:It is more social. — Yeah, exactly. — You can sit down, have a cup of tea together.

Jemaine · Bret:It is more social. — Yeah, exactly. — You can sit down, have a cup of tea together.

Jemaine:Get out, Bret. I've got a customer. It's a pretty woman.

Bret · Jemaine · Police Officer:Police arrive — 'You, are you the prostitute?' — 'Yes, ma'am.' — 'You're a prostitute as well?' — 'No no, I'm just the guy that wears the big condom.'

Bret · Jemaine:A bit boring in jail, eh? — There's nothing to do.

Jemaine:I knew if you bought a cup, we'd end up in jail. I knew it.

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:We were at square two, but now we're back. — When was that? — Let's stop talking about squares.

Bret · Jemaine:When's the electricity coming back on? — They said it would be on by now. [lights turn on] — You'll be pleased about that.

Jemaine:The electricity comes back on — Jemaine's reaction shot to Bret: 'You'll be pleased about that.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Texas/Lexus as rhyming words for the band to use: 'Item one: Texas, Lexus... two rhyming words. Do you think you could use those?' — 'No.' — 'Maybe.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The band has been playing gigs in a library and complains: 'It's so hard to play there because everyone wants us to be quiet. They're shushing us constantly.' Murray: 'You can make sound, just make it so that people can't hear you.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray to Bret: 'Have you thought about these rappers that you're dissing? You might hurt their feelings.' Then breaks into song.

Bret · Jemaine:'Hurt Feelings' song — opening verses: 'Some people say that rappers don't have feelings / We have feelings / Some people say that we are not rappers / We're rappers / That hurts our feelings'

Bret · Jemaine:'I feel like a prize asshole / No one even mentions my casserole'

Bret · Jemaine:'You could've said something nice about my profiteroles'

Bret · Jemaine:Wetsuit verse: 'I was shopping for a wetsuit to scuba dive / but every suit I tried was too big around the thighs / and the assistant suggested I try a ladies' size / I'm not gonna wear a ladies' wetsuit, I'm a man / Get me a small man's wetsuit, please'

Bret · Jemaine:Birthday verse: 'It's my birthday, 2003 / Waiting for a call from my family / They forgot about me' / 'The day after my birthday is not my birthday, mom'

Bret · Jemaine:Friends-in-town verse: 'I call my friends, say let's go into town / but they're all too busy to go into town / So I go by myself, I go into town / Then I see all my friends, they're all in town / They're all lined up to watch that movie Maid in Manhattan'

Bret · Jemaine:Rapid-fire questions verse: 'Have you ever been told that your ass is too big? / Have you ever been asked if your hair is a wig? / Have you ever been told you're mediocre in bed? / Have you ever been told you've got a weird-shaped head?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Has your family ever forgotten you and driven away? / Once again, they forgot about J'

Bret · Jemaine:'Were you ever called homo because at school you took Drama? / Have you ever been told that you look like a llama?'

Bret · Jemaine:'Tears of a rapper / I'm crying tears of a rapper' — song outro with both performers

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Isn't it the same way with rappers back in Newfoundland?' Jemaine: 'New Zealand.'

Mel · Jemaine:Mel presents fan art of Jemaine to him at his door. Jemaine: 'What is it?' Mel: 'You don't like it.' Jemaine: 'I do.' Mel: 'No, you don't. You practically admitted that you don't like it.' Jemaine: 'I... did I?'

Jemaine · Mel · Doug:Jemaine: 'I'm not as muscley as that.' Mel: 'Yeah, that's what I said.' Doug (quietly): 'Be quiet, Doug.'

Gang · Dave · Jemaine:Bret's gang mistakes Jemaine for an enemy: 'Bret! Bret! Bret! We got him good!' then 'False alarm. It's Jemaine.' followed by Dave attacking anyway: 'Can attack!'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine asks Bret about his day. Bret: 'How was your day?' Jemaine: 'Uh, it was good.' Bret: 'I've been in the ceiling most of the day.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'This gang is disbandoned.' Bret: 'No. Dis... what?' Murray: 'Disbandoned.' Jemaine: 'Disbanded?' Murray: 'Abandoned?' Murray: 'Yup, all of those things.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:Murray reveals he used to be in a gang: 'It was me, my brother Graeme, and my dad Gordon. Mom wasn't even allowed in it. No one knew why.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine: 'Murray, is there anything band-related in today's meeting?' Murray: 'Yes, there is, actually, but I haven't finished my gang stories.'

Mel · Jemaine:Mel confronts Jemaine about painting being on the stoop. Jemaine: 'I had to throw it away!' Mel: 'Why?' Jemaine: 'Because Bret was jealous.' Mel: 'Really? Was he going apeshit?' Jemaine: 'He went apeshit.'

Mel · Jemaine:Mel insists on standing uncomfortably close to Jemaine: 'Jemaine, stay close.' 'I am close. You're too close now.' 'No, but... closer. Put your feet next to mine... that's it. We're together, all right?'

Mel · Murray · Jemaine:Mel at the party: 'You said there was gonna be cheese. You said there was gonna be free cheese.' Murray: 'There will be cheese. Over there. Look.' Mel: 'Right, let's go and get some cheese together, okay? All right, go. No, you're too close.' — the physical proximity joke inverted

Australian diplomat · Jemaine · Murray:Australian diplomat at the party: 'Who's this, Murray... your wife? No, his wife... his wife left him.' Murray: 'Jemaine!' — Jemaine has just told everyone Murray's marriage failed

Australian diplomat · Jemaine · Murray:Australian diplomat: 'Miss New Zealand... best looking Sheila in the whole country. Sorry, I didn't recognize you without the crown and sash.' — referring to Jemaine (a man) as Miss New Zealand

Doug · Mel · Jemaine:Mel offers to pose for Jemaine's portrait; Jemaine declines without hesitation. Doug: 'Mel, I could pose for you.' Mel: 'Oh, no thanks.' — Doug shut down instantly

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Song reprise verse: 'Have you ever been dissed over the intercom? / Have you ever found a gift you've given thrown away? / Have you ever been told that you're Miss New Zealand?'

Jemaine · Murray:Post-party small talk: 'Thanks for bringing me to the party, Murray.' 'That's all right. Good cheese, wasn't it?'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:'Stay Cool, Bret' song — Jemaine and Murray trying to calm Bret, then pivoting to their own anxieties: 'Not gonna sleep till I found him / I'll pound him, I'll bet he regrets / He ever messed with Bret from the tough Brets!'

Jemaine · Murray · Australian diplomats:'Stay Cool, Murray' — verse addressed to Murray: 'What's the hurry? / Hello, Murray, glad I caught ya / Who's this? Your daughter? / Your girlfriend looks great, do you want a date? / Just pulling your tit, mate...'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Mid-song fight sound effects: 'Bam! / Pow!' interspersed with 'Stay / Cool' — the song literally represents a street fight in musical form

Bret · Jemaine · Dave:Bret explains confrontation to teens: 'So you should respect other people's property.' Then accidentally kicks a kid. 'Bret, you just kicked a kid!' 'Sorry.' 'You could get 10 years for that.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret brings home the X-rated Mel painting and Jemaine reacts: 'I found that on the steps downstairs. I thought you painted it.' Bret: 'How come I'm wearing gumboots?'

Mel · Jemaine:Mel walks Jemaine's portrait around the block 'to get people's reactions.' Jemaine: trapped carrying a heroic nude-ish painting of himself around his neighborhood

Jemaine · Murray · Bret:Jemaine and Murray reveal they were hurt not to be asked: 'Someone whom you haven't asked. Who? Jemaine's talking about Jemaine, Bret. You could've asked him... or me... but you didn't.' Bret: 'Do you guys want to be in the gang?' Both: 'Yes! Yeah, I'd like to, yeah.'

Bret · Dave · Jemaine · Murray:The gang immediately disbands again: Dave quits, so does Jemaine, then Murray: 'Well, if you're out and you're out, then I'm out. Really? Yeah, I'm out.' Bret: 'You're out as well? Well, I'm not leaving.' Bret alone: 'So that's it... I'm in. I'm the gang. I'm the Tough Brets.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The camper-van gig was sold out — 'that one old man and his wife' — and Murray is proud of this.

Murray · Jemaine:Murray explains 'the friendship realm' as basically a realm... but a friendship one.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Jim is revealed to be Murray's best friend — but Bret and Jemaine have never heard of him.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray tells the band to slow down mid-gig because there's a 'possible couple here... dancing to this.' They comply. Murray: 'Well, you've lost the audience.'

Jemaine · Mel:Jemaine: 'I'm not sure I want to eat my own face.' Mel: 'I almost did on the way over here. The lips are very prominent.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel recounts her dream: Jemaine was 'a slave striving towards freedom.' And Bret... 'I just want to thank you. I had no idea you were so flexible.'

Mel · Jemaine · Bret:Mel sings: 'Why can't the world be more like in my dreams?' Jemaine flatly says 'No.' Bret says 'Yeah.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine and Bret's reaction to the song: confused 'pardon?' and 'what?' before hastily leaving.

Jemaine:Jemaine points out the agenda is in the wrong order: beer should come before expressing emotions, not after.

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine: 'We don't even drink beer. We don't talk about our emotions.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine: 'I like to have a sleep.' Murray adds it to the list.

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: New Zealand Army uniform was 'the green t-shirt and green shorts.' Jemaine: 'Oh, I thought that was your underwear.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray's platoon drank their own urine. 'Were you lost?' 'No, we were drunk. It was a party game.'

Murray · Jemaine:In the fort: 'Bret, I feel like you're my brother. And, Jemaine, you're our dad.' Murray says 'Go to sleep, Murray.' Murray: 'Good night, Dad. Good night, Graeme.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'I would just say something sarcastic and you'd not really notice, but the people watching will really appreciate it.'

Murray · Jemaine:'You wait till Jim gets here, it's gonna be twice this.' 'He's like a one-man party.' 'Well, does he need us then?'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray describes Jim's 'funny thing': a nude woman statue in the garden. He says it enthusiastically and Jemaine initially thinks it's a monster with big ears.

Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Jim fires rapid-fire questions: 'Rock? Funk? Country? Hair band? Synth? Blues? Jazz? Jazz fusion?' They say yes to all. 'No.' 'Cool.'

Jim · Jemaine · Bret:Jim asks Jemaine his haircut style. Jemaine defers to Bret. Bret: 'Oh, I just call that the Jemaine.'

Jim · Jemaine:Jim: 'How many people have you met?' Jemaine: '285,621.'

Jim · Jemaine:Jim asks Jemaine's 'favorite part of the newspaper.' Jemaine guesses 'pages' then 'articles.' Jim: 'Hm-mmm.' Jemaine: 'I don't really have a favorite part.'

Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Jim: 'You guys got any questions you want to ask me?' 'No.' 'Okay, so I'll flip it back.' Then immediately: 'You guys ever grow a mustache? You ever been stung by a porcupine?'

Mel · Jemaine · Bret:Mel describes what Jemaine did in the dream that was 'very nice.' The audience hears her reaction shot/face, not words. Then Jemaine and Bret react identically.

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel: 'I think you should probably apologize [for what you did in my dream].' Bret: 'I'm not gonna apologize. It was a dream.' Mel: 'Well, actually, it seemed real, didn't it?' ... 'That's a shame. I should've apologized in the dream.' 'You bastard.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jim calls Bret and Jemaine asking to hang out. Jemaine (in background): 'He's not our friend. He's just a guy we met one time.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret tells Jim that Jemaine called him a dick. Jemaine: 'Bret, don't tell him that!' Bret: 'Well, you just told me to tell him!'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Bret, I didn't say to tell him he's a dick.' Bret: 'Uh, yes.' [confirming to Jim that Jemaine called him a dick]

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine have set up a full table-tennis table in Murray's office. Murray: 'This is not a rec center for the misguided.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Well, then we can play doubles.' [inviting Murray to join the table tennis]

Mel · Murray · Jemaine:Mel says she wants to 'learn how to attack a man.' Murray explains tae kwon do is about self-defense. 'Okay, Jemaine, come at me with all your might.'

Mel · Murray · Jemaine:Mel attacks in tae kwon do — apparently with gusto. Murray: 'Mel! Mel, stop it! Mel!'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'I said it quietly on the phone and Bret could've just easily covered over and said something that rhymed with dick... like a tick.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'He's not a dick or a tick.' Bret: 'I do call you a dick sometimes.' Jemaine: 'Same.' Murray: 'All right, that's another issue we need to discuss.'

Murray · Jim · Bret · Jemaine:Final graph review: they've dropped to 'below colleagues... worse than when we started. Strangers.' Then Murray updates Jim's chart: 'Friends as ever. Nice one.' Jim asks where Murray buys his markers.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray drives Bret and Jemaine to the nightclub but refuses to let them out despite their protests, insisting on taking them 'right to the door'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray tells the bouncer he has 'a couple of very cool looking guys in the back of my car' — the camera presumably shows Bret and Jemaine looking profoundly uncool

Bret · Jemaine:Song: '¶ going to the party, sipping on bacardi / want to meet a hottie, but there's Adam, Steve and Marty ¶'

Bret · Jemaine:Song: '¶ the only boobs I see tonight will be made of origami ¶'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine calls Bret from inside a girl's apartment: 'Bret, I think she might be Australian.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Either she's Australian or she really likes Australia.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret suggests Jemaine jump out the window; Jemaine agrees, then reports: 'Oh, it's too high.' Bret: 'Okay, well, do one of those dive rolls when you land.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Oh, you've got to get out of there. Just get out of there.' / 'I'm locked in. She's trapped me.' / 'I'm not surprised.'

Jemaine · Keitha:Jemaine meets Keitha, discovers her name: 'Yeah, it's like Keith but with an 'a' at the end. I was named after me dad.'

Bret · Jemaine · Keitha:Bret's voice from the phone: 'She's got a man's name.' Jemaine to Keitha: 'Keitha, that's a lovely name.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Jesus, got a tongue like a badger's asshole.'

Jemaine · Keitha:After the kiss, Jemaine asks: 'Would you be able to unlock the door?' — his priority after intimate contact

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Does she sound Australian? Australian accent?' Jemaine: 'Yes. Yes.' Bret: 'What did it sound like?' Jemaine: 'Kind of like an evil version of our accent.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'She may have subtly mocked your accent and you didn't notice.' Jemaine: 'She may have subtly been mocking me.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Did you use protection?' Jemaine: 'Yes, but only on my penis.'

Bret · Jemaine:Red mark on Jemaine's lip is identified as crabs by Bret. Jemaine insists it's lipstick. Bret: 'It's crabs.' Jemaine: 'It's not crabs.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's meeting agenda item: government-approved biscuits. Bret's form was approved; Jemaine's was rejected because he wrote 'NA' for purpose of biscuits.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray asks if Jemaine can have one of Bret's biscuits 'until I get this sorted' — the camera holds on Bret's reluctant reaction before he relents

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Bret reveals Jemaine's secret: 'Jemaine slept with an Australian.' Murray: 'What?!' — then clarifies he said 'what' as disbelief not mishearing

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray whispers to Bret with Jemaine turned away: 'Do you think he's listening? Let's test it. Jemaine's a good-looking guy, isn't he?' — Jemaine immediately turns around

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray devises a test for whether Jemaine is listening: 'Jemaine's a good-looking guy, isn't he?' — Jemaine visibly reacts — 'Yeah, he's listening.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray explains Australian danger using mermaid mythology: 'The sailors used to fall for them... the Australians would lure them to the bottom of the sea and they'd drown.' Bret: 'Oh, that's mermaids.'

Jemaine · Keitha:Jemaine goes to Keitha to retrieve his wallet — she has it. He came back to the Australian's place after all that panic.

Keitha · Jemaine:Keitha explains her dad is 'so Australian he's in prison' and her great-great-grandfather was 'a renowned rapist' shipped to Australia

Keitha · Jemaine:Keitha: 'You got two options. Sit around here asking me stupid questions, [or] get in that bedroom and root me again.' Jemaine: 'They're both good options.'

Bret · Jemaine:Song: '¶ Do Australians feel love? / Are they capable of love? / Do they even know what we're speaking of? ¶'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine wakes Bret in the night to ask a 'hypothetical question,' then says 'I suppose so' when Bret asks if it can wait till morning — and immediately wakes him again

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'When I first met you, you tried to have me deported from New Zealand because you thought I was Australian. That was a misunderstanding. You were wearing a vest top.' 'My mom gave me that. She thought it made me look like Bruce Willis.'

Jemaine · Bret:'What would you think if I did go out with that... Australian?' / 'I would never go out with an Australian.' / 'If you were to, I would be fine with it.'

Jemaine · Bret:'My mom gave me that. She thought it made me look like Bruce Willis.' / 'Well, it didn't. It made you look like an Australian.'

Jemaine · Murray · Bret · Keitha:Jemaine: 'Hey, she'd never be my girlfriend.' — cut to Jemaine introducing Keitha as his girlfriend

Murray · Jemaine:Murray: 'And your children, what about them? What would become of them? They'll be aberrations, won't they?' Jemaine: 'It's pronounced aborigines.'

Jemaine · Murray:'She can't come to Christmas.' / 'She's gonna ridicule us at Christmas.' / 'Maybe I will go to her house for Christmas.' / 'I don't have to do everything you say.'

Keitha · Jemaine · Bret · Murray:Keitha: 'See you later, big j.' Jemaine: 'Let's go, little b.' Bret: 'Okay, little m.' Murray: 'Medium m.'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine makes a show of noticing an answer phone message 'for you on the answer phone' — clearly having listened to it already

Bret · Jemaine:The 'Keitha' voicemail: clearly Bret doing a bad Australian accent, getting geographic details wrong ('Wollongong' vs. 'Woollamaloo'), ending with '...And I'm married.' then a man's voice: 'Who's on the phone, love?'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine tries to leave after the voicemail disaster. Bret: 'Jemaine, did I show you my gloves that look like my hands?' Jemaine: 'Get off. Let go of my glove. Ow, that's actually my hand.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Get off. Get off. Let go of my glove. Ow, that's actually my hand. That's actually my hand.'

Jemaine · Keitha's roommate · Keitha:At Keitha's building, the roommate denies Keitha is there ('she's moved back to Australia'). During this clearly false denial, Jemaine can see Keitha in the background.

Jemaine · Second flatmate:'I don't believe you. That's her sweatshirt.' / 'She doesn't need a sweatshirt in Australia. It's hot.'

Keitha · Jemaine · Keitha's roommates:After the roommates insist Keitha is gone ('she's in Australia like we said'), Keitha walks right past and says 'Hey, big j.'

Keitha · Jemaine:Keitha: 'No, mostly it's 'cause they think you're a dick. You know, with the dickish glasses and that.'

Keitha · Jemaine:Keitha: 'No, mostly it's 'cause they think I've rooted better-looking fellas when I've been too drunk to speak.' Jemaine: 'Is that how you feel?' Keitha: '50-50. I kinda like you.'

Jemaine:Song 'Carol Brown': '¶ Loretta broke my heart in a letter / Joan broke it off over the phone / after the tone she left me alone ¶'

Jemaine:Song: '¶ Liza got amnesia, just forgot who I am ¶'

Jemaine:Song: '¶ Felicity saw there was no electricity / Emily, no chemistry / Fran ran, turned out to be a man ¶'

Jemaine · Ex-girlfriend choir:Song: Jemaine's ex-girlfriends appear AS A CHOIR to sing criticisms of him ('He doesn't cook or clean / he's not good boyfriend material / oo-whee and eats cereal')

Jemaine:Song: '¶ Oh, who organized all of my ex-girlfriends into a choir and got them to sing? / Who? Who? ¶'

Jemaine:Song: '¶ Mmm, shut up ¶' — Jemaine's response to the choir's criticisms

Jemaine · Ex-girlfriend choir:Song: The ex-girlfriend choir debates whether Jemaine's romantic talk is sincere. Choir: '¶ He means he looks at other girls ¶' / '¶ This guy is a fool / He'll always be a boy / He's a man who never grew up ¶' Jemaine: '¶ I thought I told you to shut up ¶'

Jemaine:Song: '¶ Lola, you told me you were in a coma ¶'

Jemaine:Song: '¶ Tiffany, you said that you had an epiphany ¶'

Jemaine · Keitha:Song: '¶ Mmm, would you like a little cereal? ¶' — Jemaine offers Keitha cereal mid-song

Jemaine · Dave:Jemaine reveals his elopement destination: New Jersey. 'Wow. New Jersey, huh? I'd love to go there.' Dave: 'But I got a lot of shit going on in the states right now.'

Jemaine · Carriage driver:Jemaine asks a horse-drawn carriage driver about going to New Jersey; driver says he only rides around the park. Jemaine: 'That's weird. She said she'd done it before.'

Jemaine · Carriage driver:Jemaine stops a horse-drawn carriage in Central Park to elope to New Jersey — the driver informs him he only rides around the park

Jemaine:'Take me to Chinatown and do not delay, sir.' — Jemaine pivoting his elopement plan to a rickshaw

Jemaine · Carriage driver:Jemaine, now on the carriage: 'Take me to Chinatown and do not delay, sir.' Driver: 'Just around the park.' Jemaine: 'Ah, yes, you said that. Yes.'

Jemaine · Rickshaw driver:'Look, just around the park.' / 'Ah, yes, you said that.' — the rickshaw also just goes around the park; Jemaine apologies

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine returns to find Bret taped to the door. 'Bret, have you seen Keitha?' Bret: 'She robbed us. Her and her friends jumped me and taped me to the door.' Jemaine: 'Did she mention me at all?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret, still taped to the door: 'Could you pass me my sandwich, please?' — followed by Jemaine's careful sandwich delivery and offer of a napkin

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Can I get a hug?' Bret: 'No. No.' Jemaine: 'A hug?' — followed by Bret refusing to participate, Jemaine hugging him anyway

Bret · Jemaine · DJ:End-credits reprise of 'Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor' — the song that opened the episode plays again over the credits

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine doing impressions of each other's acquaintances — Bret does 'Do it now!' and Jemaine correctly identifies it as Bret's mom

Bret · Jemaine:Bret does a shriek impression and Jemaine guesses 'Victoria. Victoria Bartosh.' Bret: 'Oh yes, that sounds like her.'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:Barbara asks if they've seen her dog; Jemaine asks 'What kind of dog is it?' then Bret adds 'Just a four-legged kind of...' — Barbara: 'He can't have gone far. On foot?'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Terrible affliction.' Bret: 'Poor Charlie.' — in response to hearing about Charlie's canine epilepsy

Bret · Jemaine:Song: Bret and Jemaine sing an R&B/hip-hop duet in real time about the woman they just met, debating in rhyme whose girl she is — including 'she was careless with her dog' as a lyric

Bret · Jemaine:In the song: '¶ are you thinking what I'm thinking? ¶ / ¶ no, I'm thinking what I'm thinking ¶ / ¶ so you're not thinking what I'm thinking? ¶ / ¶ no, 'cause you're thinking I'm thinking what you're thinking ¶'

Bret · Jemaine:In the song: the description of Barbara — '¶ blueberry tracksuit pants ¶ / ¶ white chocolate skin ¶ / ¶ and socks? ¶ / ¶ that sounds like her ¶'

Jemaine:'¶ hang on a minute, stop the track ¶ / ¶ Eugene, stop the track ¶'

Jemaine:The song contains the lyric '¶ do you mean the girl who came up to us when we were running in the park / just now and she was looking for her epileptic dog? ¶' sung in full melodic R&B style

Bret · Jemaine:'¶ was her name brahbrah? ¶ / ¶ no, I think it was Barbara ¶ / ¶ her name was brahbrah ¶' — escalating sung argument about Barbara's name

Bret · Jemaine:In the song: '¶ she had her eye on my knee ¶ / ¶ dawg, I'm sorry, she had her eye on my guns ¶ / ¶ oh, you're loco, she was checking out my buns ¶' — competitive hip-hop boasting in song

Bret · Jemaine:'¶ wait a minute, you talking about the girl with the lazy eye? ¶ / ¶ I think she might have had a slightly lazy eye ¶'

Bret · Jemaine:'¶ the girl that's fly with the wonky eye ¶ / ¶ she's smoking with an eye that's broken ¶ / ¶ I think it's hot the way she looks left a lot ¶'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:Bret has rounded up multiple random Yorkshire terriers from strangers to help find Charlie — 'I thought, oh, they might be Charlie. I just got these.'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:Barbara shows a photo of Charlie in a kitten costume — 'No, it was a kitten party. They didn't allow dogs. You dressed your dog as a cat?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's notes: 'Jemaine, you had great stage presence. Fantastic. Bret... no stage presence, unfortunately.' Bret: 'The last gig? I didn't do that gig.' Murray: 'Exactly.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's concern that Bret's jazzercise clashes with gig times, leading to an earnest discussion about whether Bret has already paid for his classes

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray reveals past song ideas: Jemaine's 'forest' idea from two years ago; Bret's 'I wish I was a tree.' Murray: 'Quite similar to the forest idea.' Then Jemaine's 'sailing' idea from last year — 'Still finishing that one.' Murray: 'It's been nearly a year now.' Jemaine: 'Well, I don't know anything about sailing.'

Jemaine · Murray:Jemaine's sailing song: 'I don't know anything about sailing'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Both Bret and Jemaine independently reveal their new song ideas are both about epileptic dogs

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Well, if Toby ever had that, I'd like to think that I tried my best for him.' — referring to his own dog potentially getting epilepsy as justification for the charity song

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine calling Barbara 'brahbrah' on the phone while scheduling a dinner date, without realizing Bret has also just called her to schedule dinner at the same time

Barbara · Jemaine:Barbara shows a photo of 'Charlie's enemy' — a dog called 'Señor' — and says 'He goes by the name of Señor. I'll keep an eye out for him 'cause he could be an important lead.'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:Jemaine arrives 15 minutes early for his dinner with Barbara, finding Bret on his date — 'Jemaine, you're 15 minutes early.' Jemaine: 'That's okay. I'm fine with... I'm just gonna wait.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'I'd just feel... I've got 15 minutes left.' Jemaine: 'Well, we can spend 15 minutes together another time.' — offering Barbara a rain check on the remainder of Bret's date

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine brings Bret flowers after arriving at the restaurant

Jemaine:Jemaine launches into his pitch about organizing a benefit for 'prophylactic dogs'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret claims to be going to jazzercise at night — 'Me and a couple other guys. Just you and a couple of guys from jazzercise, huh? Getting together and doing some impromptu jazzercise at night?'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine's glasses missing — 'I had a shower and I left them in the sink.' Bret: 'They're probably in the sink. Have you checked the sink?' — then the scene cuts to Jemaine wearing a fake glued-on beard to disguise himself from Barbara

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray is developing a vaccine for 'pepileptic dogs' — 'I'm sorry, are you a vet or a doctor?' 'No, not really.' 'But I guess I'm quite intelligent.'

Jemaine · Barbara:Jemaine is at the bar in a fake glued-on beard — Barbara: 'I don't remember you having a beard yesterday.' Jemaine: 'Sometimes I grow a beard.' Barbara: 'Looks like it's glued on.' Jemaine: 'Yes, and sometimes I glue one on. When I'm pressed for time.'

Jemaine:Jemaine, alone at the bar in his disguise: 'Excuse me, I'm still waiting on two waters. Thank you.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine fight over the microphone during the recording of the epileptic dogs song

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine challenges Bret to a duel — 'I see no other option. I challenge you to a duel.' Bret: 'Oh no.' Pause. Jemaine: 'I accept.'

Bret · Jemaine:The duel is resolved via the romantic ballad 'Love Is A Weapon Of Choice' — the men use music as their duel weapons

Bret · Jemaine:Song lyric: '¶ every time you walk in through my door / you're extending this one metaphor / you leave me wounded lying on the floor / I think I've seen this floor before ¶'

Bret · Jemaine:Song lyric: '¶ there's a battleship loaded with emotions / crashing onto some lying ocean / and I'm afraid it is just as I feared / this ocean is made of my tears ¶'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara · Dog Owner:Barbara returns with 'Charlie' — turns out to be a different dog entirely: wrong color, wrong breed, wrong size — 'Maybe that isn't Charlie. He's a different color.'

Barbara · Bret · Jemaine · Dog Owner:The dog Barbara found is not Charlie — it's 'Mocha', someone else's dog — 'Maybe that isn't Charlie. He's a different color.'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:Bret and Jemaine competing to comfort Barbara — 'Bret, get out.' / 'Sorry, Jemaine's got his creepy hand on your shoulder.' / 'Thanks. Bret, you're crowding her.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Benefit concert speech: Bret: 'It's great to be here. I'd like to dedicate this song to all the dogs with pepilepsy.' Murray: 'Bret, your speech is boring.' Then Jemaine: 'I love dogs with epilepsy.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Bret, get out.' / 'Sorry, Jemaine's got his creepy hand on your shoulder.' / 'Bret, you're crowding her.'

Bret · Jemaine:The epileptic dogs charity song — 'Think About the Epileptic Dogs' — performed at the benefit, including '¶ somewhere there's a golden retriever / who's having a seizure ¶' and '¶ send a check in the letter / to make a setter feel better ¶' and '¶ come on make a donation / and save a shaky dalmatian ¶'

Barbara · Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Post-concert disaster: 'The strobe lights gave all of the dogs seizures.' 'Not all of them.' 'Well, the epileptic ones.' 'Yeah, all of those ones.' Bret: 'I thought they were dancing.'

Bret · Jemaine · Barbara:'Even the golden doodle?' 'Yes.' 'The shih-tzu was dancing.' 'No, he passed away.' 'Dogs can't dance, Bret.'

Barbara · Bret · Jemaine:Barbara reveals she thought Bret and Jemaine were gay — 'I'm sorry, I thought you guys were gay.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel arrives with a 'mock-up family portrait' of Bret, Jemaine, and their hypothetical baby — 'coming out of you guys'

Barbara · Bret · Jemaine:Barbara: 'Truthfully, I'm interested in Bret if he's straight.' — looking at Jemaine. Jemaine: 'Yeah, this one.' pointing to Bret

Jemaine · Barbara:'Could Jemaine come?' / 'Maybe another time.' / 'But, Barbara, I thought...' / 'My name is brahbrah.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray marks himself as 'present' without letting Bret and Jemaine say their own 'presents', then claims it's to save time.

Bret · Jemaine:After Greg is told 'Dismissed,' Bret or Jemaine observes: 'Likes to lurk there, doesn't he?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:After the boys refuse, Murray says 'Okay. Well, I'll have to put that $50 back then.' Pause. '$50 each.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine performing 'Scarborough Fair' as Simon & Garfunkel — one wearing an afro wig.

Jemaine · Elton impersonator:The 'Elton John' impersonator tells Jemaine 'It's so good to see someone else up there just like me, doing my thing' — Jemaine points out he's doing Elton John's thing, not his own.

Jemaine · Karen:The woman who will become Jemaine's date says 'I like your height' and Jemaine responds 'I'm usually this height.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret addresses the prime minister as 'your honor' and Jemaine calls him 'my lord' — wrong honorifics for a prime minister.

Karen · Jemaine:Karen reveals the wig was the attraction: 'That was a big orange afro wig... you wouldn't mind going home and changing into what you were wearing the other night, would you? I was really attracted to that, and now this.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret asks 'Why are you wearing your Art Garfunkel costume?' — Jemaine has come home still in the wig after three days.

Karen · Jemaine:Karen takes a photo of Jemaine in the Art Garfunkel wig: 'Just one more photo, okay? Just one more.' Then another. 'It's not weird.'

Mel · Jemaine:Mel tells Jemaine 'Did she slap you around? Did she sleep around on you? Did she leave you?' and is progressively more confused when the answer to all is no.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The audience count: 'How many?' — 'One.'

Murray · Jemaine:'He's a big guy though, Jemaine. He's taking up three seats. He's got shopping bags with him.' — 'Well, you can't count the shopping bags, can you?' — 'There's three seats used.' — 'What, so the majority of the audience is shopping bags?' — 'Yeah, most of the audience are shopping bags.'

Jemaine:Jemaine's reaction beat: 'One person. This is a new low.' — delivered flatly to camera (implied talking head).

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Post-gig: 'Hey, when did he go? When did that guy leave?' — 'Yeah, he snuck out. Possibly as early as the first song.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:The audience member (and manager) both snuck out during the gig.

Murray · Jemaine:'Technically yes.' / 'Well, technically you were there.' / 'Technically I actually snuck out as well.'

Jemaine · Murray:'You went shopping.' — 'Oh, yeah.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray produces a 'high points and low points graph' — the high point of their entire career is a parking meter that was broken.

Murray · Jemaine:'Most of your hair is body hair, isn't it, Jemaine?'

Prime Minister Bryan · Murray · Jemaine:The Prime Minister interrupts with 'Knock knock' and walks in. Murray immediately says 'Morning, prime minister.' Jemaine: 'Thank you, m'lord.'

Prime Minister Bryan · Bret · Jemaine · Murray:PM asks for a cool band. Bret and Jemaine immediately offer. PM: 'Well, no, we're looking for a cool band.' Murray: 'They are available.' PM: 'I see.'

Prime Minister Bryan · Bret · Jemaine:'If you really want to help, we do need someone to work the information booth.' — Bret and Jemaine are given the information booth job. 'You guys keen?' — 'No.' — 'Great.'

Bret · Jemaine:Reaction to the hair gel — implied visual sequence of people reacting to Bret and Jemaine's gelled hair. 'Don't touch it.' then 'Ew!'

Bret · Jemaine:Escalating 'cool' reactions from strangers: 'How's that?' / 'That looks cool.' / 'Whoa, that is cool.' / 'You look like a punk rocker.' / 'Very cool look, man.' / 'Totally cool.' / 'Pretty cool.' / 'Cool.'

Bret · Jemaine:THE FASHION SONG — 'Fashion / f-f-f-f-fashion, f-fashion / s-s-s-style, the l-l-l-l-look' — opening stutter-rap delivery of a fashion anthem.

Bret · Jemaine:¶ you think you know fashion / well, fashion's a stranger / you think fashion's your friend / my friend, fashion is danger ¶

Prime Minister Bryan · Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Prime Minister sees Bret and Jemaine: 'You guys seem a little cooler than usual today.' — 'Usually you wear clothes from the '70s.' — 'They're not from the '70s. They're from new zealand.' — 'Isn't that the same thing?' — 'Similar, I suppose.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Whatever, Murray.' / 'Whatever, David.' — Bret and Jemaine's new 'cool guy' persona manifests as dismissing everyone including their friend David.

Jemaine · Murray · Prime Minister Bryan:'Go away, Murray.' — Murray: 'Go away!' — '...Did you hear that, prime minister? So cool.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Maori village plan: 'I think the most important part is to get a maori warrior. That would really sell it. So do we know any maoris, Jemaine?' — 'Actually, you're part maori, aren't you?' — 'No, I'm not doing it.'

Murray · Jemaine:'Well, if you don't do it we're gonna have to get Mexicans.' — 'You can't get Mexicans to do it. That's culturally insensitive.' — 'We've already signed one up so it can't be too sensitive.'

Bret · Jemaine:Hair gel fight — Bret and Jemaine accuse each other of using the gel on body hair and beard, then throw the tube at each other. 'Oh! That was very dangerous.' / 'How dare you throw this at me?' / 'I think it's a fitting revenge for you throwing it at me.' / 'Oh! That was dangerous.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Did you finish the gel on your body hair?' / 'N...no.' / 'You've been gelling your beard.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine are too afraid to go outside without gel: 'We'll wait till there's no one out there.' — They wait and wait.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray opens the door, sees their hair without gel: 'Oh my God! Oh, it's terrible!' — 'What have you done?'

Bret · Jemaine:'There's still some gel.' — 'You're imagining the gel.' — 'There's still some.' — 'There's no gel left. It's not there.'

Bret · Jemaine:'What if he's keeping the gel for himself to make himself look good?' — Beat — 'Don't think so, man. That big ginger head of his...'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel is discovered in their apartment, apparently sleepwalking or claiming to sleepwalk. 'This is your place. I must be sleepwalking. Oh no, don't wake me. You could kill me.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel's sleepwalking excuse: 'I must be sleepwalking. Oh no, don't wake me. You could kill me.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel offers mousse or hairspray instead of gel, then turns out to have neither. 'I'd better go before I wake up.' — Bret: 'You come in here without any mousse? What's wrong with you?'

Jemaine:'I don't know who you are anymore.' — Said to Mel, about the mousse.

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel produces glue from 'in here' (from her body, presumably a pocket or somewhere more alarming). Bret: 'Glue?' — Jemaine: 'This should work.' — 'It's just like gel. Same viscosity.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Jemaine, I stuck my head to my hand.' — 'You idiot, Bret.' — 'You've got a pillow on your head.' — 'What? Where?' — 'Other side.' — 'Oh, we're both idiots.'

Murray · Jemaine:Gary the sheep: 'The guy who was supposed to mime shear him sheared him for real. He's basically bald.' — 'Gary can tell. He's livid.' — 'And by the way, the guy next to him barbecuing... I think he's barbecuing lamb.'

Bret · Jemaine:Information booth: 'What side of the road do you drive on?' — 'The middle.' / 'What language do you speak there?' — 'We pretty much just make it up as we go along. That's why the people from there are so hard to understand.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'We can't do it. We're not cool enough.' — Murray: 'Guys, do you want to know a secret? It wasn't the gel that made you cool. It was the confidence the gel gave you.'

Murray · Jemaine:'Yeah, it was the hair gel, guys. Sorry. We're not cool? No.' / 'This is a new low, isn't it?' / 'Yeah.'

Jemaine:Jemaine interjects mid-song: 'Where are you going with this, Bret?'

Jemaine:Jemaine interrupts the song again: 'Bret, could you please move over to your right?' — he's trying to watch TV

Jemaine:'I'm trying to watch TV.'

Jemaine:'Sounds a bit gay.'

Jemaine:'So did you... did you get the bread, or...'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'Oh. No, I forgot.' / Jemaine: 'Cause I've been waiting here with all my sandwich fillings all ready.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'I was just really busy thinking about this girl.' / Jemaine: 'What was her name?' — then Bret continues singing the answer

Bret · Jemaine:Bret sings her name is a secret, then sings her name is Cheri. Jemaine: 'Is her middle name Cheri? So it's a secret Cheri maybe?'

Jemaine:Jemaine's running commentary on Bret's romantic descriptions: 'dirty?', 'that's rare', 'oh nice', 'oh, frigid', 'quite old', 'oh, 13?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'she reminded me of a winter's morning.' Jemaine: 'Oh, frigid.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Bret, did any of this actually happen?'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Why don't you go on a real date?' Bret: 'Because they're never as good as fantasy dates.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'She works down at the cheap zoo.' Jemaine: 'The pet store?'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Why do you buy two then?' Bret: 'Well, if you get two, you get one free.' Jemaine: 'But you don't even want any goldfish, Bret. Why would you buy two?' Bret: 'Might as well get one free.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Oh! No.' / 'Do I have to?' / 'Okay. All right.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret: 'You can't hit on her.' Jemaine: 'What? Why... why would I hit on her?' Bret: 'You always do that.' Jemaine: 'Oh! When?' Bret: 'Always.' Jemaine: 'Oh, okay. So you do something every time, and suddenly you've got a reputation.'

Dave · Bret · Jemaine:Dave: 'But you do... you do exist, don't you?' — then the reveal that the boys previously claimed not to exist / to be from Never Never Land

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine insisting 'I fully exist' with increasing emphasis

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'I know about brassieres. Do you know about those?' — in response to Dave questioning his knowledge of women

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's schedule book says 'Nothing' / 'No need to come in.' — he called them in to tell them there's no need to come in

Jemaine:Jemaine in the van on walkie-talkie: 'Chicken torso. Chicken torso, can you hear me?' — Bret's call sign

Jemaine:Jemaine's wingman callsign: 'Chicken torso'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'Stand with your feet apart like your balls are on fire. Don't do the accompanying face, though... just the stance.'

Jemaine:Jemaine: 'No no, stay facing away from her. It makes you seem different.' / 'Half ignore her and half pay attention to her.'

Dave · Jemaine:Simultaneous conflicting advice: Dave tells Bret to ask about her face, Jemaine tells him to compliment her hair

Bret · Jemaine · Dave:Jemaine: 'Compliment her hair.' Dave: 'Ask her what's up with her face.' Bret follows Dave's advice: 'What's up with your face?'

Jemaine:'You shouldn't have said that. It's too early.'

Bret · Jemaine · Savannah:Savannah: 'Is that a walkie-talkie on your kilt?' Jemaine: 'Tell her it's an iPod.' Bret: 'It's an old iPod.' Savannah: 'Okay.'

Jemaine · Dave:Jemaine: 'Now tell her you're freaky.' Dave: 'Don't tell her that.' / Dave: 'Tell her you're a freak.' / Jemaine: 'Why would you tell her that he's freaky?' Dave (off-mic): 'How's he gonna get into her pants if he doesn't...'

Mel · Jemaine · Dave:Mel accuses Jemaine and Dave of watching her for three and a half hours — then becomes disappointed when told it's not about her

Mel · Doug · Bret · Jemaine:Doug: 'Ah. Motorcycle magazines.' Mel: 'She must like tough guys.' Bret and Jemaine: 'Tough guys?'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray wants Jemaine as wingman to apologize to Greg — instructs Jemaine to discuss 'business stuff... stock exchange, calculators'

Jemaine:Jemaine, meant to be distracting the businessman Sven, has gotten deeply into a game: '2-3-6... this is a fun game. Do you ever play it online?'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Bret, I don't want to be your wingman anymore.' Bret: 'What? Why not?' Jemaine: 'It's tiring. I'm exhausted.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's plan: 'I bump into Savannah tonight, you mug us and I beat you up a little bit.' / 'I saw it on a sitcom.' / 'Did it work on the sitcom?' / 'Not completely, no, but this is real, so I think we've got a better chance.'

John · Jemaine:John in disguise: 'What the fuck is on your face?' / Jemaine: 'I just thought it would make me look more criminal.' / 'Take it off. You're like the Hamburglar. That guy fucking scares me.'

Jemaine · John:John's appearance: Jemaine says 'What the fuck is on your face?' / 'I just thought it would make me look more criminal.' / 'Take it off. You're like the Hamburglar. That guy fucking scares me.'

John · Jemaine · Bret · Savannah:The mugging goes wrong: John forgets to let them keep the purse and actually mugs Savannah

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'What did you bring him for?' Bret: 'He's the only mugger I know, isn't he?'

Jemaine · John:'Oh, it worked. They're walking away together.' / John: 'I know.' / Jemaine: 'Hey, you weren't maced. Why are you crying?' / John: 'I'm not fucking crying.'

Jemaine · John:John still has the purse — 'force of habit'

Jemaine · Bret:'She's a bit crazy.' / 'Do you want me to give you a hand breaking up with her?'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret and Jemaine in unison: 'We've paid our rent' / 'Oh, we've paid our rent' — simultaneous defensive agreement

Landlord · Bret · Jemaine:The landlord reveals he's been accumulating New Zealand dollar checks for two years without noticing they were wrong currency

Landlord · Bret · Jemaine:The NZ dollar conversion: $7,727 American becomes $77,000 NZ — visual beat where landlord holds up fingers or a figure

Bret · Jemaine · Landlord:'Can we give you an I.O.U.?' / 'In American dollars, not in New Zealand dollars'

Jemaine · Bret:"Evicted? By whose authority? The landlord."

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray calls a meeting: 'Present. Jemaine. Present. Well, Murray, present.' — roll call with no one absent

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'Is there a more practical solution?' / 'No, just...' / 'One that relates to our problem?'

Murray · Jemaine:'It's about a couple of deadbeat guys from New Zealand who have got nothing going on.' / 'Wait, who are those characters?'

Jemaine:'How insulting.' — Jemaine's reaction to learning the musical says 'two hopeless losers'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray's musical has 'a savvy manager who shows you the light' — 'who's that?' / 'Oh, that's a character loosely based on me'

Jemaine:'Yeah, it's a rags-to-rags story.'

Murray · Jemaine · Bret:'Did you see the one about the guys who started at the bottom, stayed at the bottom and at the end they were still at the bottom? So inspirational. Who'd go and see that?'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'Mmm, never mind. No? We'll find somewhere.' / 'That's actually better for the story, if you're homeless.'

Hotel Receptionist · Bret · Jemaine:Hotel receptionist: 'We only have one room for $51... room 204. But the thing about room 204 is a terrible murder happened there... today.'

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Mel turns out to be the murderer — she appears at the hotel just after the receptionist warns the killer will return

Mel · Bret · Jemaine:Rule #8: 'You must not leave the house.' / 'When?' / 'What, never?' / 'Not after 11:30 P.M. And preferably never.'

Jemaine · Mel:Mel asks for a song; Jemaine invents 'throat polyps' as an excuse not to play

Jemaine · Murray:Bret claims he can't play because of 'the risk of throat polyps' — then Murray offers to play the harp instead

Jemaine · Bret:The 'Petrov, Yelyena and Me' cannibalism song — a man stranded at sea with two companions who progressively eat him while he parties with them

Jemaine · Bret:'I passed out and I woke with one leg. I said... Petrov, have you seen my leg? He said... no. And he went back to bed. But he looked suspiciously well-fed.'

Jemaine:'It was a hilarious moment in a very bleak, bleak time of my life.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Hey Petrov, what is that you are eating? It's fish. How come it looks so much like my arm which has been hacked off at the elbow last night? Oh, it's an arm fish.'

Jemaine · Bret:'I swallowed some arsenic to poison my meat.' / 'I was very ill, but revenge is so sweet / unlike the last meal my comrades would eat.'

Jemaine · Bret:'When I awoke, they were already dead / all that was left of me was my head / No, not dead, just a head.'

Jemaine · Bret:'Lost but so lonely... at sea.' — the final couplet of the song shifts from 'lost but happy' to 'lost but so lonely'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray's musical rehearsal reveals he's cast actors to play Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle — 'This seems very similar to Star Wars.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'I thought you were a farmer.' / 'Never ever a farmer.' / 'I was a shepherd.' / 'A shepherd, not a farmer.'

Bret · Jemaine:Jemaine and Bret met because Jemaine lost some sheep that wandered into Bret's paddock

Mel · Doug · Bret · Jemaine:Mel and Doug announce a separation — delivered to Bret and Jemaine as if to children: 'This isn't about you' / 'Well, actually, Mel, it is about them.'

Mel · Doug · Bret · Jemaine:Mel assigns custody: Bret stays with Mel, Jemaine goes with Doug — 'But I will fight you, Doug, and I will get you back, Jemaine.'

Mel · Jemaine:'Now, Jemaine, don't worry. You'll still see a lot of me.' / 'Mmm, um, yeah, probably.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Bret, you've got to remember to keep breathing the whole time. Yesterday's rehearsal you got worked up, stopped breathing and fainted.' / Bret: 'No I didn't.' / Murray: 'You were on the ground for five minutes.' / 'Yeah, about five minutes.' / 'I really got bored of that bit.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray's acting note to Jemaine: 'I've noticed your acting tends to be a bit boring. It's okay for the first minute, then I kind of drift off.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Jemaine, nobody wants to listen to the music of a couple of shepherds. I know of a place... A place called... America.'

Bret · Jemaine · Chorus:The 'America' song — NZ neighbors shouting 'Don't go there! They're crazy! They'll kill youse! They have guns!'

Bret · Jemaine:'Welcome to the land of opportunity / I am the Statue of Liberty... my head's stuck in this chair / gotta get my head out of this chair.'

Bret · Jemaine:'I'm selling myself on the street / just trying to make ends meet / who will buy / my body? / my body.'

Bret · Jemaine:'Now scram, you filthy illegal immigrants.' — the landlord character in the musical

Bret · Jemaine:'Illegal immigrants, illegal immigrants / we've overstayed our welcome, we've overstayed our visas / nobody cares, nobody needs us!'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Musical-within-musical: Murray's character appears to say 'We'll put on a musical!' as the musical solution within the musical

Bret · Jemaine:Post-show: 'Murray was right. It was a great idea to put on a musical. Murray's the greatest.' — the musical's fictional happy ending momentarily believed

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:Post-show: Doug plays harp and everyone cheers — 'Look at the harp player! It is manly.'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray's post-show review: 'your acting was really good' / 'okay, you're still a bit boring'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'I've got lots of news — good news, got some... just a little bit of terrible news there...' / 'Well, let's start with the good news.' / 'Okay. Well, we did it.' / 'That's the good news?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Final scene: back in New Zealand as shepherds — 'Good shepherding today, guys!' / 'Thanks, Murray!'