The Presidential Suite

Johnny:Do you have proper scissors? I need to cut this ribbon.

Moira:I have scissors.

Johnny:Those are cuticle scissors, Moira.

Moira:They're multi-purpose. A woman of my stature needs to maintain her cuticles at all times. One never knows when one will be called upon to shake hands with someone important.

Roland:Taut? Is that like an old-timey word or something?

Johnny:No, Roland, it means tight or tense.

Roland:Oh. I thought you were speaking in tongues.

Stevie:At this rate, we'll be cutting this ribbon until next fall.

Moira:Well, I think it's a perfectly taut observation, Roland.

David:I want the photographer to capture a very specific aesthetic. Something that evokes the image of wealthy people fainting.

Ray:I have thousands of them in storage.

David:Well, you drive me to the spa, and then you wait in the car while I get pampered. So technically, you're getting the breeze through the window. Very refreshing.

David:It's a light sun exposure as part of the spa treatment.

Patrick:Light sun? David, that's just tanning.

David:It's not tanning, Patrick. It's a controlled light sun experience.

Patrick:You're describing a tanning bed.

David:Patrick needs a spray tan because he looks absolutely anemic next to my Mediterranean complexion.

Ray Butani:Well, I've been thinking about our mousepad designs, and I wanted to present a summer collection. However, there's an arbitrary seasonal restriction on an underwater theme.

Alexis:Wait, so the airline just gives you bad milk? Like, they force you to drink it?

Ted:No, no, I chose to drink it.

Alexis:Why would you choose to drink airline milk?

Ted:I'm sorry about the gift. I know it's generic.

Alexis:No, Ted, listen to this. 'To someone special, may your travels be filled with wonder and joy.' That's... that's about me.

Ted:It says that on like a thousand of those.

Alexis:Well, it's speaking to me. I feel very seen right now.

Ted:I think we can just drop it. No need to milk this topic any further.

Moira:I'm imagining myself in a luxurious Shanghai hotel suite, soaking in an enormous marble bathtub overlooking the Huangpu River, and suddenly, a pod of orcas surfaces right before me. I'm there in my silk robe, champagne flute in hand, watching these magnificent creatures breach, and thinking, 'This is authentic travel.'

Moira:Well, of course Johnny has business ethics. He learned from the best. I once produced a film called 'Tort Reform,' and the legal implications were absolutely exquisite.

Jocelyn:Well, there's this scene where the detective has to go undercover at a massage parlor, and she has to take off her top to maintain her cover. And then later, there's another scene where she's in the police station and her shirt gets ripped during a struggle, and you see her bra. And then in the third act, she falls into a river and her clothes get all wet and see-through.

Moira:Well, Johnny, standing on that moral high ground must be giving you vertigo, because the view from up there is absolutely dizzying. I'm getting nauseous just watching you perch on that pedestal of righteousness.

Photographer:What is all this?

David:It's a draped fabric installation. It's very chic, very editorial.

David:You put a spray tan on my credit card?

David:Do you understand what you've done? You've committed fraud. You're a criminal.

Stevie:It was like forty dollars.

David:Forty dollars?! That's forty dollars more than I expected to see charged to my account for your tanning needs!

Patrick:I look like a Goldfish cracker.

David:You look like you've been slow-roasted.

David:Because you need it. I have Mediterranean heritage, Patrick. My skin is a delicate ecosystem.

Ray:You look like a tangelo with a business degree.

Ted:I can't have you over to my place. My mother's been going through some things, and the last thing she needs is unexpected company.

Ted:Plus, every time someone visits, she takes it as an opportunity to show them her Zoom meetings from her book club. And let me tell you, those things really help me zoom out of there.

Ted:I have something important I need to talk to you about.

Alexis:Oh my God, is this like breaking up with someone from the Backstreet Boys while they're on tour?

Alexis:I just don't respond well to pressure. Like, remember when I made that decision about my hair for prom? I got it all chopped off and highlighted the same day, and I looked like a angry bird.

Moira:Is this one of those things where if you touch them both at the same time, you'll be electrocuted?

Moira:Because I once knew a woman in Marrakech who did that, and she was never quite the same.

Moira:It's like parting the Red Sea, except the sea is my hips and the Egyptians are my thighs.

Johnny:Have we managed fine in this room?

Moira:Fine? We're living like crustations in a dumpster.

David:These photos are good.

Patrick:You only picked flattering ones of yourself.

David:Do you want to go back for more spray tanning?

Patrick:Oh yes, I would love to go back and have a stranger spray me down with a toxic orange mist. That sounds like a dream.

David:Really?

Patrick:No. I was being sarcastic.

Stevie:If you really want to send Patrick's relatives something, I have some old beauty pageant photos from when I was younger. Those should do the trick.

Ted:Alexis, I know this might not be the best time, but I've been wanting to tell you... I think you're really special. I mean, I've always thought you were special, but lately I've been thinking about it more, and I realized that life is short and you never know what's going to happen, so I thought maybe I should just say something before it's too late.

Alexis:Ted... I'm literally in the middle of a personal crisis right now.

Ted:I know, I know. That's actually why I thought now would be a good time. You know, to remind you that there are good things in life?

Alexis:I mean, I could just leave everything and follow Ted to an island.

David:You're not going to follow Ted to an island.

Alexis:Well, I followed Harry Styles to Coachella.

David:That was one weekend, and you came back because it was too hot.

Twyla:You know, Alexis, sometimes when you're facing a really difficult decision, it helps to remember that whatever you choose, you'll eventually be okay with it.

Alexis:Eventually?

Twyla:Well, yes. Eventually.

Moira:Are you alright?

Johnny:I'm fine. I was just doing my Kennedy impression.

Moira:Well, it was devastating.

Johnny:Thank you.

Moira:That was not a JFK impression, that was a cry for help. And darling, if you're going to attempt an accent, at least commit to the physicality. I once played a Portuguese widow in a Soho experimental theater piece, and I didn't just change my voice — I changed my entire skeletal structure.

Roland:I see you two are really putting those cleaning supplies to good use.

Roland:We could swap houses for the weekend.

Johnny:I'm sorry, what?

Roland:You know, you stay at my place, I stay at yours. With our families.

Johnny:Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. That's JFK.

Moira:That's not even close to what he said.

Johnny:It's exactly what he said. I do a very accurate JFK impression.

Moira:Your JFK sounds like a man having a stroke.

Johnny:Well, he did have back problems, so maybe that's historically accurate.

Moira:That's not how any of this works.

Alexis:I was very firm with them.

Alexis:Oh my God, Ted, you're not looking good. Here, I made you some mac and cheese, and a nice creamy soup, and some ice cream.

Ted:Alexis, I think I'm lactose intolerant.

Alexis:Oh my God, why didn't you say something?!

Alexis:There's an elephant in the room.

David:What?

Alexis:Well, there's literally an elephant in the room. I don't know how it got here, and I certainly don't know how to take care of it.

Ted:Actually, they're not gross little flies. They're fruit flies, and they're a cornerstone of modern genetics research. Decades of scientific advancement wouldn't be possible without them.

Ted:So... does that mean you'd like to help me with my research?

Alexis:"You know that I can't make big decisions under pressure, that's how I ended up with a pixie cut at prom."

Alexis:"I liked this a whole lot more before we started talking."

Moira · Johnny:Moira puts her hands in freezing water to test if it's warming up — refuses to move them because 'how will I know if it's getting warmer if I'm not touching it?'

Moira:"Well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John, and it's not like there's a his sink for when the hers is inoperable."

Moira:Moira: 'I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John, and it's not like there's a his sink for when the hers is inoperable.'

Moira:Moira trying to squeeze through the narrow bathroom doorframe: "these door frames, it's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle."

Johnny · Moira:Johnny thinks Moira is angling for a 'romantic weekend'; she clarifies she wants to upgrade their room permanently 'until they find a way out'

Moira:"Yes, in the same way road crustations are known to make due in old soda cans."

Moira:'They're practically middle-aged and they're not denying themselves betterment, why should we?'

Moira:"Well, I've packed your weekender, it's in the car." (Moira has pre-packed before Johnny agreed)

Patrick · David:"Those are just ones where you look good." "Well..."

Patrick:"So I guess my relatives will just have to imagine what the person I'm marrying looks like and how happy I am to be with him."

Stevie:Stevie suggests opening the guest list or mailing out David's old pageant headshots to relatives instead of engagement photos

Patrick:'David, can we just agree to stop making this wedding a bigger deal than it needs to be. We are not these people.'

Alexis · Twyla:Twyla offers Alexis a smoothie as solution to her existential crisis; Alexis responds: "No, I think I'll just take a smoothie."

Alexis:"Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? 'Cause I did that with Harry Styles in England, it was like too rainy."

Alexis:'Do I like move to the Galapagos? Or does he move back here and turn down his dream job... Okay this just got like very heavy.'

Twyla:"I know you, Alexis, and you always make the right decision." [beat] "Eventually."

Johnny · Moira:Johnny does a JFK impersonation: "If not now, when? If not us, who?" — Moira: "Best to leave the voice work to me when setting a mood."

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn arrive at the Presidential Suite — catching Johnny and Moira with martinis in the room they were told they couldn't use

Roland:"Oh, I guess martinis work better than wax, huh?"

Roland:"Johnny, wasn't it you who said it was dangerous to treat your assets like personal possessions?"

Roland · Jocelyn:Roland reveals they've been renting out their extra bedroom to pay for the motel — a stranger has been making himself at home in Jocelyn's kitchen

Roland:"Or you know what, you could give us the keys to your place — it would be like wife swap except we wouldn't be swapping wives, we'd be swapping mattresses."

Roland:'Or you know what, you could give us the keys to your place, it would be like wife swap except we wouldn't be swapping wives, we'd be swapping mattresses.'

Johnny:Johnny immediately says 'you can take the room' the moment Roland mentions 'wife swap'

Johnny · Roland · Jocelyn:Confused JFK quotation argument — Johnny insists 'Ask not what your country can do for you' is JFK but Roland and Jocelyn argue it's FDR and that JFK is from Boston not Upstate New York

Johnny:Johnny describes the suite as reminding him of 'the suites in Cuba before Castro took over' and keeps doing his JFK impression

Patrick · Alexis:Patrick has closed the entire café and set up an elaborate dinner for Alexis — mozzarella sticks, four-cheese lasagne, blueberry cheesecake

Alexis:"That's a lot of dairy."

Patrick:"I may have forgotten about the whole milk situation."

Ted:'Huh, that's a lot of dairy.'

Alexis:"And just think of all those gross little flies that are still out there for you to discover."

Alexis:"I'm sure there'll be like some other woman, somewhere."

Alexis:'I'm sure there'll be like some other woman, somewhere.'