The Presidential Suite

Johnny:Do you have proper scissors? I need to cut this ribbon.

Moira:I have scissors.

Johnny:Those are cuticle scissors, Moira.

Moira:They're multi-purpose. A woman of my stature needs to maintain her cuticles at all times. One never knows when one will be called upon to shake hands with someone important.

Roland:Taut? Is that like an old-timey word or something?

Johnny:No, Roland, it means tight or tense.

Roland:Oh. I thought you were speaking in tongues.

Stevie:At this rate, we'll be cutting this ribbon until next fall.

Moira:Well, I think it's a perfectly taut observation, Roland.

David:I want the photographer to capture a very specific aesthetic. Something that evokes the image of wealthy people fainting.

Ray:I have thousands of them in storage.

David:Well, you drive me to the spa, and then you wait in the car while I get pampered. So technically, you're getting the breeze through the window. Very refreshing.

David:It's a light sun exposure as part of the spa treatment.

Patrick:Light sun? David, that's just tanning.

David:It's not tanning, Patrick. It's a controlled light sun experience.

Patrick:You're describing a tanning bed.

David:Patrick needs a spray tan because he looks absolutely anemic next to my Mediterranean complexion.

Ray Butani:Well, I've been thinking about our mousepad designs, and I wanted to present a summer collection. However, there's an arbitrary seasonal restriction on an underwater theme.

Alexis:Wait, so the airline just gives you bad milk? Like, they force you to drink it?

Ted:No, no, I chose to drink it.

Alexis:Why would you choose to drink airline milk?

Ted:I'm sorry about the gift. I know it's generic.

Alexis:No, Ted, listen to this. 'To someone special, may your travels be filled with wonder and joy.' That's... that's about me.

Ted:It says that on like a thousand of those.

Alexis:Well, it's speaking to me. I feel very seen right now.

Ted:I think we can just drop it. No need to milk this topic any further.

Moira:I'm imagining myself in a luxurious Shanghai hotel suite, soaking in an enormous marble bathtub overlooking the Huangpu River, and suddenly, a pod of orcas surfaces right before me. I'm there in my silk robe, champagne flute in hand, watching these magnificent creatures breach, and thinking, 'This is authentic travel.'

Moira:Well, of course Johnny has business ethics. He learned from the best. I once produced a film called 'Tort Reform,' and the legal implications were absolutely exquisite.

Jocelyn:Well, there's this scene where the detective has to go undercover at a massage parlor, and she has to take off her top to maintain her cover. And then later, there's another scene where she's in the police station and her shirt gets ripped during a struggle, and you see her bra. And then in the third act, she falls into a river and her clothes get all wet and see-through.

Moira:Well, Johnny, standing on that moral high ground must be giving you vertigo, because the view from up there is absolutely dizzying. I'm getting nauseous just watching you perch on that pedestal of righteousness.

Photographer:What is all this?

David:It's a draped fabric installation. It's very chic, very editorial.

David:You put a spray tan on my credit card?

David:Do you understand what you've done? You've committed fraud. You're a criminal.

Stevie:It was like forty dollars.

David:Forty dollars?! That's forty dollars more than I expected to see charged to my account for your tanning needs!

Patrick:I look like a Goldfish cracker.

David:You look like you've been slow-roasted.

David:Because you need it. I have Mediterranean heritage, Patrick. My skin is a delicate ecosystem.

Ray:You look like a tangelo with a business degree.

Ted:I can't have you over to my place. My mother's been going through some things, and the last thing she needs is unexpected company.

Ted:Plus, every time someone visits, she takes it as an opportunity to show them her Zoom meetings from her book club. And let me tell you, those things really help me zoom out of there.

Ted:I have something important I need to talk to you about.

Alexis:Oh my God, is this like breaking up with someone from the Backstreet Boys while they're on tour?

Alexis:I just don't respond well to pressure. Like, remember when I made that decision about my hair for prom? I got it all chopped off and highlighted the same day, and I looked like a angry bird.

Moira:Is this one of those things where if you touch them both at the same time, you'll be electrocuted?

Moira:Because I once knew a woman in Marrakech who did that, and she was never quite the same.

Moira:It's like parting the Red Sea, except the sea is my hips and the Egyptians are my thighs.

Johnny:Have we managed fine in this room?

Moira:Fine? We're living like crustations in a dumpster.

David:These photos are good.

Patrick:You only picked flattering ones of yourself.

David:Do you want to go back for more spray tanning?

Patrick:Oh yes, I would love to go back and have a stranger spray me down with a toxic orange mist. That sounds like a dream.

David:Really?

Patrick:No. I was being sarcastic.

Stevie:If you really want to send Patrick's relatives something, I have some old beauty pageant photos from when I was younger. Those should do the trick.

Ted:Alexis, I know this might not be the best time, but I've been wanting to tell you... I think you're really special. I mean, I've always thought you were special, but lately I've been thinking about it more, and I realized that life is short and you never know what's going to happen, so I thought maybe I should just say something before it's too late.

Alexis:Ted... I'm literally in the middle of a personal crisis right now.

Ted:I know, I know. That's actually why I thought now would be a good time. You know, to remind you that there are good things in life?

Alexis:I mean, I could just leave everything and follow Ted to an island.

David:You're not going to follow Ted to an island.

Alexis:Well, I followed Harry Styles to Coachella.

David:That was one weekend, and you came back because it was too hot.

Twyla:You know, Alexis, sometimes when you're facing a really difficult decision, it helps to remember that whatever you choose, you'll eventually be okay with it.

Alexis:Eventually?

Twyla:Well, yes. Eventually.

Moira:Are you alright?

Johnny:I'm fine. I was just doing my Kennedy impression.

Moira:Well, it was devastating.

Johnny:Thank you.

Moira:That was not a JFK impression, that was a cry for help. And darling, if you're going to attempt an accent, at least commit to the physicality. I once played a Portuguese widow in a Soho experimental theater piece, and I didn't just change my voice — I changed my entire skeletal structure.

Roland:I see you two are really putting those cleaning supplies to good use.

Roland:We could swap houses for the weekend.

Johnny:I'm sorry, what?

Roland:You know, you stay at my place, I stay at yours. With our families.

Johnny:Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. That's JFK.

Moira:That's not even close to what he said.

Johnny:It's exactly what he said. I do a very accurate JFK impression.

Moira:Your JFK sounds like a man having a stroke.

Johnny:Well, he did have back problems, so maybe that's historically accurate.

Moira:That's not how any of this works.

Alexis:I was very firm with them.

Alexis:Oh my God, Ted, you're not looking good. Here, I made you some mac and cheese, and a nice creamy soup, and some ice cream.

Ted:Alexis, I think I'm lactose intolerant.

Alexis:Oh my God, why didn't you say something?!

Alexis:There's an elephant in the room.

David:What?

Alexis:Well, there's literally an elephant in the room. I don't know how it got here, and I certainly don't know how to take care of it.

Ted:Actually, they're not gross little flies. They're fruit flies, and they're a cornerstone of modern genetics research. Decades of scientific advancement wouldn't be possible without them.

Ted:So... does that mean you'd like to help me with my research?