Rebound

David:I'm just saying, she's clearly not thinking straight. She's vulnerable right now, and this guy is taking advantage of that.

Johnny:David, you're being a little dark about this, don't you think?

David:I'm being realistic.

Johnny:You're being the Grim Reaper. You walk into a room and flowers wilt.

Moira:We were just talking about... you... ganda. Uganda. The country.

Johnny:Uganda?

Moira:Yes, it's a fascinating place. We were discussing its natural resources and political climate.

Alexis:Really?

Moira:Mmhmm, very pressing issues in Uganda.

Alexis:What were you guys just talking about?

Johnny:Nothing! We were just... talking about the weather.

David:Yes, very boring weather talk.

Alexis:You were literally just looking at me.

Johnny:No, we weren't.

David:We were looking... past you. At the wall.

Alexis:I mean, he took me to this incredible steakhouse, and I just... I assumed he was going to pay. Like, obviously.

Alexis:I don't know, it's just always been that way for me. Men pay. That's just how it works.

Moira:Well, that's the spirit! You need to get back out there and show the world what you're made of. You're a catch, darling. A real catch. So go forth and... reel them in.

David:Oh, well, if you need a nickname, I could call you 'Art.' You know, short for Artie.

Artie:Oh, that's great, Dave. Real creative. Hey, speaking of nicknames, how about I call you 'Clueless'? Short for David.

Moira:Well, he certainly seems like a man who respects personal boundaries and the concept of consent.

Patrick:Well, there are a lot of variables that could affect the final quote.

David:Have you asked them what they want?

David:Why is she being so nice to me? It's actually quite disturbing.

Jocelyn:So I was just wondering if you might have any positions available at the store?

David:Well, we're not really hiring right now.

Jocelyn:Oh. Well, I really need a job. My family's going through some financial difficulties.

David:I'm sorry to hear that, but—

Jocelyn:My mother's sick. And my father left us. I don't have anywhere else to turn, David. You're my only hope.

David:I understand, but I really can't—

Jocelyn:I guess some people just don't care about the suffering of others.

Jocelyn:Have you considered working at a strip club? The tips are really good, and you get to meet so many interesting people.

Jocelyn:It's a very clean establishment. They have a strict no-touching policy.

David:I'm sorry, what? You're already wearing... that.

Johnny:Well, he would have good stories. He's been alive for quite some time.

Alexis:Artie is really into jazz. Like, really into it.

Johnny:Mm-hmm.

Alexis:We're spiritually compatible. He's like, an old soul.

Johnny:Well, he's 73.

Alexis:So I'm thinking of taking a casual weekend trip.

David:That sounds nice. Where are you going?

Alexis:Well, it's to meet someone's family.

David:Oh my God, how serious is this?

Alexis:Very serious. I'm meeting his entire family, including his grandchildren.

Alexis:Oh my God, is someone actually calling me? Like, on the phone? Like a psychopath?

Alexis:No, you don't need to yell into the phone. Yes, I can hear you. No, the phone doesn't need to be plugged in. Well, it does eventually, but not right now.

Jocelyn:Hi! Welcome! Can I help you find anything today?

Customer:Yes, I'm looking for something in a medium.

Jocelyn:Oh, a medium! That's actually the size my gynecologist said my uterus is. Medium-sized. I have a tilted uterus, which is why I can't use tampons, so I have to use pads, and let me tell you, the chafing in the summer is just—well, it's unbearable.

Jocelyn:You can also use it as a personal lubricant, a hair gel, or a cooking oil.

Moira:I'm sorry, what?

Jocelyn:It's very versatile.

Jocelyn:You know, I've been thinking about getting into real estate, and I just sold a house in like five minutes.

David:That's great, Jocelyn.

Jocelyn:Yeah, it really makes me wonder how you and Patrick have been in this business for so long and haven't figured it out yet.

Jocelyn:How about 'Rose Apothecary: We're here to help!'

David:No.

Patrick:That's... that's actually pretty good, Jocelyn.

Moira:I've been assailed. Positively besieged by what appears to be avian projectiles. My car looks like it's been through some sort of poultry-based apocalypse. And I smell like a breakfast buffet that's been left out in the sun.

Stevie:Or maybe it's about David.

Moira:Well, it is always about me, David. I am a woman of a certain notoriety. When I walk down the street, people point and stare. I cannot simply pop into a grocery store without causing a minor disturbance. Fame is a burden, darling, and one that I have carried with grace and poise for decades.

Moira:You know, fame is a very dangerous thing. I once knew a woman who appeared on the cover of a soap opera digest, and within weeks, she was recognized at a Piggly Wiggly in Ohio. The stress was unbearable.

Moira:We need to take every precaution. Board up the windows, install motion sensors, and for God's sake, someone get me a suit of armor.

Johnny:Moira, it's just egg.

Moira:Just egg? JUST EGG? Do you know what egg does to a finish, David?

David:Ruins it?

Moira:Ruins it. We're essentially under siege.

Moira:Well, of course he's the target. Do you know what it's like to be married to someone of my stature? The constant scrutiny, the relentless attention, the burden of being photographed at one's worst angles. I didn't ask for this life of notoriety, and yet here I am, bearing the weight of recognition with nothing but my grace and my bone structure to sustain me.

Artie:So I'm at this restaurant, right? And the host says, 'We don't serve lunch or dinner, we serve lunner.' I said, 'What the hell is lunner?'

Alexis:That's not a real word.

Artie:That's what I said! But apparently it's the meal between lunch and dinner, so it's lunner.

Johnny:Alexis, you can't be drinking mimosas at this hour. What will people think?

Alexis:Dad, mimosas are literally just orange juice. It's basically breakfast.

Johnny:That's not the point. It's about propriety and—

Alexis:Oh my God, you're right. I should wait until it's a more appropriate time, like noon.

Johnny:I'm not your dad.

Twyla:Well, Santa gave me a lighter when I was a baby.

Johnny:Well, that's not an insult, that's just a factual statement about my age.

Johnny:But if you're going to call me 'old man' instead of 'Dad,' then I'm going to start calling you 'disappointment' instead of 'son.'

Johnny Rose:What do you do, Artie?

Artie:Well, I'm a semi-retired textile importer. I own a modest home in the suburbs, drive a sensible sedan, and I take my family on one nice vacation every other year.

Artie:I'd say I'm living the dream.

Artie:You know, being a parent is about guiding your children, showing them the way...

Johnny:Yes, well, perhaps you should focus on that before Alexis makes you a grandfather.

Roland:You said, 'Roland Schitt is a man of very limited means and even more limited faculties.'

Moira:I said 'faculties,' not 'facilities.' There's a difference.

Roland:This PR crisis is the worst thing that's ever happened to this town.

Roland:It makes the time I wore the same suit two days in a row look like nothing.

Roland:You know, I've been thinking about this wheelchair ramp situation, and I think we should call it 'Rampgate.'

Moira:I was simply being complimentary. I said she had wonderful bone structure for someone of her... stature.

Moira:And I meant it as a genuine compliment that she managed to maintain such a... trim silhouette despite her obvious love of carbohydrates.

Moira:I was merely pointing out that for someone with her particular genetic disadvantages, she presented herself quite admirably.

Moira:I want to apologize to this town. You've all been so welcoming, and I realize I haven't always been... gracious in return.

Moira:This town may not have the sophistication of where I come from, but it has a certain... rustic charm. Like a quaint little dollhouse, if the dollhouse smelled like manure and desperation.

Moira:And you people! So simple, yet somehow managing to function despite your obvious limitations. It's really quite inspiring.

Moira:I make a solemn vow to make things right with this town.

Moira:Now, who among you will clean my car?

David:She's experiencing what I like to call 'beginner's luck.' It's a very real phenomenon.

Moira:Well, I think it's wonderful. She's a natural.

David:Or she's just won the equivalent of pulling the lever on a Casablanca slot machine.

Patrick:You've been to a casino?

David:Yes, Patrick. I've been to a casino.

Patrick:And you lost money at the blackjack table?

David:Yes.

Patrick:While wearing a blazer that cost more than my car?

David:It was a very nice blazer, Patrick.

Patrick:I'm not doubting the blazer. I'm just trying to figure out how you managed to have money to lose.

Alexis:He didn't know who Cher was.

Alexis:Cat Stevens? More like Cat has-beens.

Johnny:Well, actually, Cat Stevens is a very talented musician. He had some wonderful hits in the '70s.

Alexis:Dad, nobody cares about Cat Stevens.

Johnny:That's not true. Morning Has Broken is a beautiful song.

Johnny:Well, they're very... efficient. You know, minimal square footage means minimal heating costs in the winter.

Johnny:And the sense of community is actually quite lovely. Everyone knows their neighbors.

Johnny:Plus, there's a certain rustic charm to the open-air living concept.

Johnny:And the trailer itself is mobile, which is really quite innovative when you think about it.

Johnny:I should have protected you more.

Alexis:Dad, I dated like half the cast of 'Fast Five.'

Jocelyn:I appreciate the offer, but it's just not my aesthetic, and I'm not going to compromise my integrity for a position that doesn't align with my values.

David:I'm sorry, what? Did you just... No. I don't talk like that.

Jocelyn:You literally just said something very similar yesterday.

David:Well, yes, but when I say it, it's different.

Jocelyn:You can keep the sales bell. I don't really need it anyway.

Jocelyn:I figured you two could probably use it more than I do.

Moira:Do you have any quail? Or perhaps some foie gras?

Twyla:We have tuna salad.

Moira:Tuna salad? Twyla, I don't eat anything that swims in a can.

Twyla:It's fresh tuna.

Moira:Well, do you have anything with edible gold leaf? Or at least some microgreens?

Twyla:We have iceberg lettuce.

Moira:Iceberg? That's not even a real vegetable, it's a water delivery system. I'll just have a sparkling water. Make sure it's imported.

Moira:Well, they're clearly so popular, they've run out of everything. It's a testament to their success. We should film that.

Moira:This apothecary is a peaceful sanctuary, where one can browse in complete and utter solitude.

David:Mom, there are literally customers here right now.

Moira:David, please. I'm trying to convey an atmosphere of zen-like emptiness.

David:But it's not empty. There are people shopping.

Moira:Well, they're not supposed to be here during filming.

David:Can you please stop saying that? Every time you say it, a customer doesn't come in.

Johnny:Well, I think what makes Schitt's Creek special is the sense of community and the genuine warmth of the people who live here.

Moira:No.

Moira:Schitt's Creek: where the name may disappoint, but the experience won't.