The One with Phoebe's Rats

She's at home putting up decorations... I tried, but apparently singing 'I Will Survive' in a helium voice, not helping.

Don't say that loud. Gunther's gonna want to hug me.

Somebody's getting a little fussy. You're damn right I am. I've been waiting for a cookie for seven minutes.

If I wasn't married, she'd be rejecting me right now.

Now that Rachel's gone? So hot, I cried myself to sleep last night.

It starts with a V and ends with an X. And hopefully with a T-O in the middle. You know, come to think of it, the capital of Peru is 'Vtox.'

Well, not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for. Kind of like Santa.

Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.

I don't know, but they don't sound like spa treatments.

It's so weird you think he's so gross, yet you're willing to eat his crackers.

Is this your first apology?

I'm sorry. Obviously, Heather's ass has something more important to say, so I'll just wait till it's finished.

Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.

Oh, yeah. I'm jealous. 'Oh, Gavin. Please, please look at my ass.'

One: I didn't know that you knew that. And two: I wasn't some creep staring at his ass.

It was just Tag, you know, like Cher or... you know, Moses.

What are you, his boyfriend?

I wasn't staring. I was leering.

Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.

Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.

They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk. It's not so good.

What are you, a child? Yes!

Just think of him as a really, really, really horny Ben.

Take me home.

Do you want a piece of this?

No. No, to test his neck strength.

I thought we were gonna capture him and set him free in the countryside where he could meet a friendly possum and a wisecracking owl.

Oh, my God! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom! We'll have to think of a new name. I don't know, I kind of like 'Bob' for a girl.

Well, maybe it wasn't Bob. Maybe it was a mouse. Susie?

Who shot J.R.? I have got to get a job.

Seriously, dude. Three years ago.

Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the 'hot nanny.'

You do appear right on the cusp of something.

Because you know once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.

Nannies like her don't grow on trees. Picturing that tree? I am, yes.

Your thoughts? Plural? All right, fine. I only have one thought.

She's forbidden fruit! It's like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy.

Could you set my pillow and blanket on the couch for me, please?

This is the stuff great novels are made of. Great novels? Fine. Mediocre porn.

Okay then. I'll pass you back to your son. Hey, Mom. No, that's just my secretary.

If you like looking at butts so much, why don't you just go look in a mirror?

Thank God you finally said that. I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago.

I'm going to be very, very nice to you, you mama's boy, starting right now.

I would never miss my secretary's birthday.

Right there. That was so fake!

The pile of raw fish, or the tacos? Oh, the tacos. Definitely, the tacos.

Honey, all those boys had a bet to see if he could knock you over.

Wouldn't kick her out of bed. No more vodka for me.

These are my rat babies!

So this is what a stroke feels like.

Are you comparing my daughter to a rat? No. Seven rats.

Well, I'm sorry, Rachel, but I'm not like you. Okay? Not everyone can afford help.

No, where'd you study acting? Molly, people don't study acting.

No. The leather sticks to my ass.

Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel. Okay? I didn't think I could ever love again.

It's like my favorite fairy tale come true. The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian.

Yeah, not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a 'love the one you're with' kind of animal.

Oh, my-- Get off your sister!

That's math I can't even do!

But to nice families with children and reduced-fat Wheat Thins. Those were Bob's favorites.

I haven't told you about that yet, have I?

No way. You had your party. Now I have mine.

9:30?! God! This party was lame.

Let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person.

Yes. I feel that you're a little annoying.

Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! Maybe that's him.