Moira Rosé

Patrick:It's just a figure of speech. 'Batting cleanup' means you're the fourth batter in the lineup.

David:Well, that's a horrible name for a position. It sounds like you're being treated for a sexually transmitted infection.

David:I'm going to get us some overpriced concession stand hot dogs, and then we can leave after the first inning.

Moira:Good heavens! What vulgar pageantry unfolds before my eyes! These... these electronic transmissions of grown men in tight pantaloons, grappling for an oblong spheroid whilst a studio audience of thousands looks on with bated breath!

Patrick:I'm staying overnight because David's doing some work on the apartment.

David:It's not just 'some work.' I'm completely gutting the bedroom. I've hired a designer, a contractor, and a feng shui consultant. We're removing the walls, relocating the windows, and I'm having the floors imported from Italy.

Patrick:For a bedroom renovation?

David:Patrick, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. I'm not going to live in some mediocre bedroom. That's not who I am.

Herb:I want to name a wine after you, Moira. I'm thinking 'Moira Noir'.

Moira:Oh, Herb, that's divine!

David:It's not.

David:We could name a wine after you. Something like 'Moira's Vineyard' or—

Moira:Yes, we've already decided on that.

David:That's great, Mom. Really great. I'm so happy for you.

David:I can't go to the wine tasting.

Patrick:Why not?

David:I have a prior commitment.

Patrick:David, we literally just made plans five minutes ago.

David:Well, my commitment is very prior.

Patrick:Okay, I'm sensing some resistance here. Are you sure you don't want to go?

David:I'm positive.

Patrick:Because it's going to be really fun. There's going to be wine, and cheese...

David:Patrick, are we doing a bit right now?

David:Well, maybe if someone hadn't insisted on lying about having a sick aunt, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Patrick:Your aunt is sick?

Alexis:Okay, so I'm starting this amazing new fitness class, and honestly, it's going to change your life. Like, completely transform you. You'll be reborn. You'll shed your old self like a snake sheds its skin, except better because you'll also have abs.

Alexis:And once you join, you can never leave. I mean, you *can*, but you won't *want* to. Everyone who's ever done one class comes back. They have to. It's like a spiritual awakening, but with burpees.

Alexis:You'll give me all your money, obviously. Not for the class—well, for the class—but also just because you'll want to. You'll want to give me everything. That's what happens when you find your purpose.

Stevie:Yeah, sure. I'm ready.

Stevie:Let's transform me into... whatever this is.

Alexis:Everyone was so excited to come to my event. It was literally the most popular thing I've ever organized.

Stevie:Alexis, the only reason anyone showed up is because you said there would be free food.

Alexis:Well, yes, but they still came.

Jocelyn:I need to change out of my LuLu Limes.

Jocelyn:Wait, we have to change out of our LuLu Limes?

Stevie:That's creepy. How does he know our names?

Jocelyn:I don't know, but have you seen how attractive he is?

Ronnie:No.

Stevie:I want to leave.

Stevie:I have a practical escape plan. I'm going to wait until they're all in the meditation circle, then I'm just going to walk out to my car and leave.

Stevie:Yeah... okay.

Johnny:I'm going to need you to never say anything like that to me again.

Roland:I'll do it. I'll talk to Patrick.

Johnny:What? No, Roland, you can't—

Roland:Why not? I'm very good with people. I once talked a man out of a timeshare.

Johnny:That's not the same thing.

Roland:Well, I'm volunteering anyway. Consider it my civic duty.

Moira:People lose their backbone around successful people. It's like watching a school of fish scatter when a shark enters the room. Except the shark is me, and I'm fabulous.

David:You're saying it wrong. It's 'croissant,' not 'crescent.'

Moira:I've been saying it that way for years.

David:Yes, and you've been saying it wrong for years. Here, listen to me. Croissant.

Moira:Croissant.

David:No, croissant.

Moira:That's what I said. Croissant.

David:You know what, I've been practicing this in the mirror for twenty minutes, and I think I've nailed it.

Moira:Oh my God, is that me? That's a very sensual photograph. I'm looking at myself like I want to take myself out to dinner.

Herb:I brought a banana rosé. It's my own recipe.

David:A banana has 422 milligrams of potassium.

Moira:This one tastes like a tire fire had a baby with a port-a-potty.

David:This one tastes like someone's describing a wine they've never actually tasted.

Moira:This one tastes like regret and wood chips.

David:This one tastes like someone sneezed into a bottle of sadness.

Johnny:So, uh, we're just gonna grab some... za? You know, keep it chill, no cap, it's giving carbs.

Patrick:I ordered some 'za.

Johnny:'Za?

Johnny:*laughs* I'm sorry, I can't—I can't say that.

Johnny:Is the pizza hot?

Patrick:Yes, it's fresh out of the oven.

Johnny:Hot. Yes. Very hot. Piping hot, one might say. The kind of hot that requires caution. Extreme caution.

Patrick:It's pizza, Johnny.

Johnny:Yes, well, I'm simply noting the thermal properties. And the heat. The considerable heat. Did I mention it's hot?

Johnny Rose:Pizza is a circle. It comes in slices. You eat the slices. That's pizza.

Stevie:It was... fine. I learned some things.

David:What things?

Stevie:I don't know, things about acting. Look, can we please not do this?

Alexis:So you're saying it's a metaphor?

Citrus:It's both a metaphor AND a literal sky portal.

Alexis:I mean, okay, so yes, technically we were in a cult, but it wasn't like a *bad* cult. It was more of a... lifestyle choice with some unconventional beliefs and mandatory financial contributions.

Alexis:And also, I've been in way worse cults than that one. That one was actually kind of fun.

Jocelyn:I just need to get away. My husband won't stop talking to me. Yesterday, he followed me into the bathroom and talked to me through the door for twenty minutes about his fantasy football league.

Twyla:Oh, I knew. My family's been in cults for generations. My mother was in one, my grandmother was in one. It's kind of a thing.

Alexis:Okay, so cults work by making you feel like you're part of something special and exclusive, and then they slowly isolate you from your friends and family, and before you know it, you're donating all your money and sleeping in a compound.

Stevie:So basically, you just described your MLM downline.

Exit sign literally points toward 'gateway' in sky

David:I've been working on some wine names. There's 'Pinot Grigio-away,' 'Chardonnay the Bodyguard,' and my personal favorite, 'Riesling and Shine.'

David:What? They're clever.

Moira:This tastes like my first marriage smells.

Moira:Your father and I are like two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. He's the dong, and I'm the—

David:Okay, I'm going to stop you right there.

Moira:—vag.

David:Yeah, I got the gist of it, and I didn't need you to complete that sentence.

David:Mother, that's very generous of you.

Moira:Well, darling, a relationship is like a fine wine. It requires proper aging, the right temperature, and someone to keep it away from your husband.

Johnny:So... did you catch the game last night?

Patrick:Which game?

Johnny:Any game. All games. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

Patrick:I'm going to protect you from life's difficulties.

David:That's very sweet, but I have an extensive list of sensitivities.

Patrick:I'm aware.

David:Is it 'Pinot Noir' or 'Pinot Nwar'? Because I've been saying it wrong this entire time and now I'm having an existential crisis about my credibility in the wine community.

Moira:I'm not drunk, I'm just a little... fermented.

David:Mom, you can barely stand.

Moira:Well, a fine wine needs time to breathe, David. And I am breathing... extensively.

Johnny:Let's get you both in the car.

David:Why are we still doing the grape thing?

Moira:Because I am a vintage, and vintage only improves with age and... intoxication.

Johnny:Herb, I think we should talk about moving forward together. I have some ideas that could really benefit both our businesses.

Herb:No.

Johnny:I'm sorry?

Herb:No. The answer is no. It was no yesterday, it's no today, and it will be no tomorrow.

Johnny:Well, I think if you just heard me out—

Herb:I don't need to hear you out, Johnny. I've made my decision.

Moira:Herb, darling, I think we got off on the wrong foot. You see, I'm actually a very spiritual person. I have a spirit animal.

Moira:It's a flamingo. Very majestic. Very... pink.

Moira:And I feel like if you just got to know my flamingo, you'd understand me better.

David:You exposed Alexis to a cult?

Stevie:Yeah, I knew from the beginning.

David:It's like watching my husband and my father fall in love with each other, and I'm just supposed to be happy about it. It's deeply unsettling.

David:So when you say you were in a cult, do you mean like a... small group of people, or...?

Alexis:It was called the Celestial Beings. We believed we were going to be transported to another dimension.

David:And how exactly were you planning to get there? Because I have to imagine the logistics of that would be—

Alexis:We were going to ascend.

David:Right, but like, did you need to book anything? Or was it more of a... walk situation?

Roland:Can I join you folks for dinner?

Alexis:Oh my God, no.