The Apartment

Jerry:I've painted this apartment so many times over the years, I think the walls are getting thicker. Pretty soon I'm gonna open the door and the whole place is just gonna be a tiny little cube.

Jerry:You know what this is like? It's like those pigs they find in the mud. You can't even see the pig anymore, it's just covered in mud. That's what happened to these outlets. They're like pigs in mud, except the mud is paint.

Jerry:You know what the ultimate male fantasy is? It's not a woman, it's not money, it's the bridge of the Enterprise. You're sitting in that chair, you've got your coffee, you're giving orders, and everyone's doing exactly what you say. That's it. That's the dream.

Jerry:You know, we went to the moon. We actually went to the moon. But now? Now we're just watching TV and pretending we're exploring space. We've reduced the grandeur of space exploration to watching TV.

Jerry:So you're telling me these aliens are just gonna come over, sit on my couch, grab some beers, and watch the Knicks game like they're my buddies from high school?

Jerry:What, they're gonna complain about the refs? 'These Earth officials, they don't know what they're doing!'

Jerry:And then what, we order some pizza? 'Yeah, I'll have a large pepperoni... can you make it in a cube? These aliens don't understand the concept of round.'

Jerry:What did you do to your hair?

Kramer:I moussed it up.

Jerry:You moussed it up? Or you're moussed up?

Kramer:I'm telling you, this mousse... it's not just mousse. It's a revolution. My hair has never known such freedom, such volume, such... possibility.

Kramer:Before the mousse, I was just a man. After the mousse? I'm a man with hair.

George:I keep forgetting to enter the marathon.

Jerry:Oh, the Krupnicks.

Harold:I went to check on her, and she was lying there, dead. But you know what disturbed me more than that? She wasn't wearing her wig. I'd never seen her without her wig. It was like seeing a completely different person.

Kramer:The last guy, he got deported.

Jerry:Deported?

Kramer:Yeah, no big deal.

Harold:What is that? What's in your hair?

Kramer:It's a new product. Kramerica Industries hair gel.

Harold:Can I touch it?

Kramer:Sure.

Harold:Wow. It's so... shiny. How much does it cost?

Kramer:Five bucks a jar.

Harold:Five dollars? For hair gel? Do you know what I could buy with five dollars?

Jerry:You can't sit down. If you sit down, he'll think you're too comfortable, like you're staying. You gotta stand.

Elaine:So I should stand the whole time?

Jerry:Yeah. Standing is better. It says 'I'm involved, but I could leave at any moment.'

Elaine:What if my legs get tired?

Jerry:Then you lean. But you never sit. Sitting is death.

Jerry:I was just jumping up and down, you know, trying to get the blood flowing.

Elaine:What are you talking about?

Jerry:Well, I read that if you jump up and down for a few minutes, it increases your metabolism.

Elaine:So you're just jumping up and down in your apartment like some kind of maniac?

Jerry:I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing this for you. I want to help you out, be a good friend. That's what it's all about.

Jerry:But let's be honest, it also makes me feel good about myself. So really, I'm doing it for me.

Jerry:I don't need anything. I'm just happy to help. My needs? Irrelevant. I exist solely for others.

George:Oh, come on!

Jerry:No, really. I'd give you the shirt off my back. Both shirts. Every shirt I own. I'd walk around shirtless in the freezing cold, pneumonia setting in, my lips turning blue, just so you could have a nice cotton blend.

Elaine:Jerry...

Jerry:My organs? Take them. I only need one kidney anyway. Two eyes? Greedy. I'll give you one, keep the other just to see what happens.

George:You're insane.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about this for a while now, and there's something I really need to talk to you about. It's been on my mind, and I think the timing is right, and—

Elaine:What?

Jerry:I'm moving out.

Elaine:What?

Jerry:I'm moving out of the apartment.

Elaine:You're moving out?

Jerry:Yes.

Elaine:You're not moving out.

Jerry:I am moving out.

Elaine:No, you're not.

Jerry:Yes, I am!

Elaine:Wait, how much is your rent?

Jerry:Four hundred a month.

Elaine:Four hundred? Four hundred dollars?

Jerry:Yeah.

Elaine:That's impossible. How is that possible?

Elaine:We're neighbors! We can see each other all the time!

Jerry:All the time.

Elaine:We can have coffee, we can just pop over!

Jerry:All the time.

Elaine:It'll be great!

Jerry:All the time.

Jerry:You know what I wish? I wish life had retakes like in the movies. You make a mistake, say something stupid to someone, and you just go, 'Cut! Let's do that again.' But no, you get one shot. One chance to not mess things up with the person you care about.

Jerry:You know what? Life is like a movie. And sometimes you do something and you think, 'Oh, that's not going to make the cut.'

Jerry:Like when you're at a dinner party and you say something really stupid. You know immediately — 'That's not going in the movie.'

Jerry:But then the director comes over and says, 'No, no, we're keeping that. That's gold.'

Jerry:And you're like, 'What? Why? That was terrible!'

Jerry:I can't believe I offered them the apartment. What was I thinking? I don't even like these people! I was just being polite, and now they think they're moving in. I'm stuck. I'm completely stuck.

Jerry:I'm an idiot.

George:Oh, you think you're an idiot? I'm the idiot.

Jerry:No, I'm the idiot.

George:You don't know what it means to be an idiot like I do.

George:Hey, I'm not an idiot. I'm very smart. I went to Queens College.

Jerry:George, that's not—

George:No, I know what you're thinking. But I'm telling you, I'm intelligent. I read. I'm cultured.

Jerry:George, you once tried to return a shirt without a receipt because you said you never bought it.

George:That was a different kind of stupid.

Jerry:How is that different?

George:That was a strategic stupid. I was thinking ahead. This is just me being an idiot in the moment.

Jerry:I don't think there's a difference.

George:Oh, there's a difference. You want to know about stupid? I once booked a romantic weekend at the Poconos. For myself. Alone. With a woman I didn't even like.

Jerry:That's not stupid, that's just sad.

George:I booked it under my mother's name. Then forgot to tell her about it. She showed up with my father. On my reservation.

Jerry:Okay, that's stupid.

George:That's idiot stupid. That's the kind of stupid you don't come back from.

George:You know what your problem is? You got no home-bed advantage. All these years you've been sleeping in your own bed, you've got the rhythm down, you know where everything is. Now you're in her bed, it's foreign territory. You're like a visiting team.

Jerry:I have the home-bed advantage at my place.

George:Exactly. But you're not always at your place. Sometimes you're at her place, and boom - you got nothing. No advantage whatsoever.

George:It's a known fact that if you're in your own home, you have a distinct advantage. It's like playing on your home field.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, whoever's apartment we're in, that person has the advantage?

George:Exactly. It's psychology. You're comfortable, you're relaxed, you know where everything is.

Jerry:So right now, in my apartment, I have the advantage over you?

George:Unfortunately, yes. But when you come to my place, the tables turn.

Jerry:This explains so much. All those times you beat me at Trivial Pursuit at your apartment.

George:It wasn't skill, Jerry. It was home-bed advantage.

Jerry:I don't have a censor. My censor took a coffee break and never came back.

George:My censor just had a complete breakdown. He's in therapy now. Apparently, the things I say... it's too much for one person to handle.

Jerry:Your censor needs a censor.

George:She would never turn down an apartment. What do you think she is, crazy? It's a one-bedroom in the Upper West Side!

Jerry:I don't know, she seemed pretty hesitant.

George:Hesitant? She would take an apartment if it was next to a sewage treatment plant. She'd take an apartment if the bedroom was a walk-in closet. She would take an apartment if the living room was a walk-in closet!

Jerry:What about if the apartment was actually inside the sewage treatment plant?

George:She'd take it! She'd take it in a second!

Jerry:Look at this mother feeding her baby. You know what that is? That's child abuse. That's what that is. She's feeding that kid coffee shop food. Do you know what's in coffee shop food? Nothing. There's nothing in it. It's just grease and salt. That baby's gonna grow up thinking that's food. That baby's gonna be like forty years old, still trying to find a decent meal, wondering why everything tastes like a mop.

George:I want to have children.

George:I can't even get a date.

Jerry:So what happened to Adam?

George:He got hit by a bus.

Jerry:A bus? That's terrible.

George:Yeah, he was flat.

Jerry:Flat?

George:Completely flat. Like a pancake.

Jerry:My God.

George:They had to use a spatula.

Jerry:A spatula?

George:Yeah, and then it got run over again.

Jerry:Again?

George:Now he's a cube.

Kramer:You should get hair plugs.

George:Hair plugs? I'd rather use mousse.

Jerry:What is the deal with these tiny sponges? They fall apart after one use. You need like twelve of them to wash a single plate. And they don't absorb anything! I want a sponge that can hold water, that's the whole point of a sponge!

Harold:They raised the rent!

Harold:Just like that. No warning, no nothing.

Harold:What am I supposed to do? I can't afford it.

Jerry:You know, it's funny how life works out. You try to avoid one problem, and suddenly you've avoided like five other problems without even knowing it. It's like the universe is doing you favors just because you're not paying attention. That's the real secret to happiness - complete obliviousness. I should write that down.

George:What happened to you?

Jerry:I don't know, I found religion.

George:Religion?

Jerry:Yeah, I think it's really helped me out.

George:So if there's a divine plan, where does my baldness fit in?

Jerry:I don't want to act disappointed.

George:You know, we're living in a SOCIETY. We're supposed to act in a CERTAIN way toward other people. And if we don't, if we just go around saying whatever we feel like saying, whatever we feel like doing, then it makes it very difficult to live.

George:But you know what the worst thing is? The worst thing is when you realize that nobody tells the truth. And the key to a happy life is not to expect that they will.

Jerry:I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful for everything. Thank you, universe, for keeping me out of that apartment situation.

Elaine:I'm telling you, baths are much better than showers. Churchill said, 'A day without a bath is like a day without sunshine.'

Kramer:Jerry, I need to borrow some money.

Jerry:Kramer, I don't think that's a good idea.

Kramer:Come on, it's just a loan. I'll pay you back.

Jerry:That's what you said last time.

Kramer:I know, but this time is different. I really need it.

Jerry:I'm sorry, Kramer. I just can't do it.

Kramer:You're killing me here, Jerry. You're really killing me.

George:You know, it's funny. Everyone wants money. It's the root of all evil, and yet it's what makes the world go round. We spend our whole lives chasing it, and for what? So we can die with a bigger pile than the next guy? It's madness, Jerry. Absolute madness.

Jerry:George is a pod. He's a human being, but he's a pod. He's like one of those plants that looks human, but inside he's just... nothing. No emotions, no feelings, just a hard outer shell.

Jerry:I'm not like George. When I feel something, I don't need to analyze it to death. I just feel it. It's simple. But George? George turns every emotion into a case study. 'Well, I'm experiencing what I believe to be happiness, but let me examine the physiological markers to confirm.' Meanwhile, I'm just living my life.

George:I'm a pod.

Man at party:Yeah, my wife's always going on about visiting her parents. I'm like, 'Honey, they're not going anywhere.'

Jerry:Yeah, you know what I love about marathons? Nothing. You know what I love about watching marathons? Also nothing. It's just people running. For hours. The same people. Running past the same spot over and over again. 'Oh look, there's Steve again!' Yeah, Steve's still running, genius. He's been running for three hours. That's the whole thing about a marathon — it's long. That's it. That's the joke. It's a long run.

Jerry:I don't know what's so impressive about bullfighting. A guy with a cape, the bull charges, he moves the cape. I could do that.

Woman:That's a beautiful ring. Where did you get it?

George:Oh, this? I got it at a jeweler on Fifth Avenue.

Woman:Really? It looks so... realistic. You'd almost think it was real!

Woman:I'm attracted to loser types.

George:Well, you've come to the right place.

Woman:I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids. I just want a man who's gonna stick around, show up when I need him, and keep his mouth shut the rest of the time.

Woman:It's a shame you're married.

George:I'm not married.

George:You think you're an idiot? I'm the king of the idiots. I walked into a glass door at the bank yesterday. A GLASS door. And when I hit it, I just stood there and stared at it like it was going to apologize to me.

George · Guy at Party:What does she do? / She's an entomologist. You know, bees, flies, gnats.

George:I'm not just an idiot. I'm the lord of the idiots!

Marathon Announcer:And here comes Jerry Seinfeld, crossing the finish line!

Marathon Announcer:Jerry, you're not a loser — you're a winner!

George:It won't come off! I need soap.

George:More soap! Get me more soap!

George:Butter! Try butter!

George:This isn't working. I need something stronger. Axle grease!

George:Hand me that axle grease!

Jerry:The apartment's doubled to $10,000 a month.

Kramer:Ten thousand dollars? For someone in the music business, that's nothing.

Kramer:Yeah, well, the humans are a very peculiar species.

Jerry:I'd be the perfect neighbor. I'd be so quiet, they wouldn't even know I was there. I could murder someone up there, they'd never hear it.

Jerry:I can't confront them. What if I confront them and they don't care? Then I'm the guy who complained and they didn't even care. I'm not that guy. I'm not a complainer.

Jerry:But if I don't confront them, I'm just accepting it. And I can't accept it either, because then I'm a pushover.

Jerry:So I'm stuck. Either way, I'm not myself anymore.

Jerry:You know what I've realized? There are people in movie theaters who are completely immune to shushing. I call them 'unshushables.' You could shush them all you want, and they just don't care. They'll keep talking, keep rustling their candy wrapper... Nothing gets through to them.

Jerry:And then there are the people who are so sensitive to shushing, one little 'shhh' and they're mortified for the rest of the movie. They won't say another word. They sit there in complete silence, terrified.

Jerry:But the unshushables? They're in their own world. You could shush them, you could throw things at them, you could stand up and conduct an orchestra in front of them. Nothing. They're immune. It's like a superpower, except it's completely useless and annoying.

Jerry · George:Jerry can't sleep, tells George he decided to tell Elaine the truth — then is distracted by the ring that won't come off George's finger.

George:George: 'Well, then try axle grease.'

Kramer · Jerry · George:I just found a guy who's willing to pay $10,000 for the apartment. / You what? Get out! / Ten thousand? / Cash! / Who would pay that much? / He's in the music business.

Jerry · Kramer:This is beautiful. I think I'm in the clear here. Elaine's not moving in. I don't have to confront her. She has no idea I never wanted her to move in. I'm golden. / Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.

Kramer:Kramer: 'Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.'

Harold · Manny:The upstairs neighbors are extremely loud. Harold and Manny bicker: 'I'm not the one who said they could play till 11:00.' / 'He makes up his own rules.'

Jerry · Harold:Can't you do something? / I'm not going up. / It stinks up there.

Kramer:Too bad. If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse.

Kramer:I love the one they do right after this one.

Jerry:What do you do when a neighbour is making a lot of noise at 3:00 in the morning? Can you knock on someone's door and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image. What am I, Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee.

Jerry:There's a lot of shushing in movie theatres. People are always shushing. Doesn't work. Nobody knows where it's coming from. They just hear... 'Was that a shush? I think somebody shushed me?'

Jerry:Some people you can't shush. There's always a certain group. They're talking. Everyone around them is shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.