Florida

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana riff on 'BTS' escalating from 'behind the scenes' to sexual innuendo: 'I love a hot BTS' / 'BTS to the BTS, baby'

Bobbi · Eliot:Bobbi calls the driver 'Driver' and Eliot corrects her: 'Mom, don't call him driver.' Bobbi's response: 'Yeah, they call this security, this guy. Like, he's gonna stop anybody, huh?'

Bobbi · Security Guard:The gate security asks 'Esther Baumgarten?' and Bobbi snaps back 'No. No, that's my mother. She's dead.' Then shouts 'Dead! She's dead!' when the guard doesn't immediately respond

Bobbi:Bobbi: 'God, I needed to be slapped in the face with this Vitamin D. I could feel my mustache lightening.'

Eliot:Eliot deadpans: 'Yup, you told us and the TSA guy.' — in response to Bobbi's mustache comment

Eliot · Abbi · Ilana:Eliot lost his luggage but kept insisting it was an 'amazing suitcase' from Refinery29 that Drew Barrymore recommends — and Abbi/Ilana finish his sentence for him

Bobbi:Bobbi: 'It's insane that didn't do carry-on. But, look, I had to check. I had my shampoo and my conditioner. And it's made especially for the humid...ity.' Pauses on 'humid' before finishing 'ity'

Ilana:Ilana delivers the Florida welcome: 'America's droopy dick.'

Bobbi · Abbi · Ilana:Bobbi tells Abbi she needs to change her Facebook profile picture: 'You're not doing yourself any favors.' Then reveals she's Facebook friends with ALL of Ilana's friends.

Abbi:Abbi admits she sent Bobbi Facebook friend requests 'a couple of times, actually'

Eleanor · Ilana · Eliot:Eleanor shoots a gun at the gate in greeting — and then Ilana and Eliot react with 'Ahh!' / '[BLEEP] Florida.'

Bev · Bobbi:Bev brags about SoulCycle making her sweat — Bobbi immediately deadpans: 'Otherwise known as a hot flash.'

Bev · Abbi:Bev inspects Abbi's nails: 'What is that, "Trophy Wife"?' Abbi: 'Second wife.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi sniffs Bev and hisses 'She smells of mothballs' — launching the sisters into a fight about who started cleaning out the apartment first

Bobbi:Bobbi invokes her diaphragm-insertion teachings as grounds for respect in the argument: 'I'm the person who taught you how to insert a diaphragm!'

Eliot · Ilana:Eliot has to wear his dead grandmother's bathing suit because his luggage is lost — discovers it's Grandma Esther's, not Grandpa's

Ilana:Ilana: 'I knew it would fit you, same hips.'

Ilana:Ilana to Eliot in dead grandmother's bathing suit: 'Oh, own it, boi.'

Abbi:Abbi's 'solid tan plan': 'First I do my back, then I do my front. I didn't say it was, like, a complicated plan.'

Abbi:Abbi asks for help with 100 SPF sunscreen because a dermatologist called her 'devastatingly white'

Ilana:Ilana's reaction to being asked to apply sunscreen to Abbi: 'What is it, my [BLEEP] birthday?'

Eliot:Eliot's 'Too hot! Respect.' reaction to the sunscreen scene — implied he's watching Ilana apply sunscreen to Abbi in a too-enthusiastic way

Elderly Woman · Ilana:An elderly woman mistakes Ilana for the on-site mortician because she loved the eyebrow work at Doris' service

Elderly Woman · Ilana:Woman: 'Oh, you're the one dating the gangster dentist.' Ilana: 'Uh... no, we, uh... We broke up, actually.' Woman: 'Good for you.' [PAUSE]

Ilana:The four-second silent beat after 'Good for you' — Ilana sitting with a stranger's enthusiastic approval of her breakup

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi and Bev fighting over grandmother's possessions: 'Ersatz ruby from Little Richard.' / 'Let's just cut the crap, Princess Ticklefeather.'

Bev:Bev: 'So now I'm being punished because I don't have children?' [pause] 'You know, I still may.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi: 'So now I'm being punished because I don't have children?' / [Beat] / Bev: 'Drama queen.' / [Another beat] / Bobbi: 'You know, I still may.'

Ilana:Ilana's New York City metaphor: 'It's like our lives are Richard Pryor's dick, and New York is the cocaine.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana pivots from the cosmic NYC metaphor to: 'Oh, an open house. We should go tomorrow. I bet they'll have free cookies.' / Abbi: 'Yeah, I bet they'll have a free toilet! What? I have to pee.'

Abbi:Abbi and Ilana discover a huge, sunny Florida apartment with a kitchen 'that's its own room' — Abbi: 'Oh, a home, we don't have those. We have New York City apartments.'

Ilana:Ilana lists the amenities: 'A lanai, prune juice on tap. Life Alert buttons in every corner.'

Ilana · Realtor:The apartment costs $425 a month. Ilana's mental math: '425 a night, yeah, times 30 nights, that's $12,000 a month.' Realtor: 'No, $425 a month.'

Abbi · Ilana:Simultaneous responses to moving in: Abbi says 'I could see us living here...' while Ilana says 'Dying here.'

Realtor:The realtor's long pause before offering: 'But...why don't you go ahead and apply?' — implying he knows they don't qualify but is drawn to them anyway

Abbi:Abbi: 'I don't wanna rise and grind anymore. I wanna rise and then, like, lay right back down.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'it is net-twerking time, gaga'

Edna · Ethel:Edna and Ethel's tennis match: 'That was out! I win, bitch!' / 'Oh, shove it, Edna.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'She's like a cyberbully IRL.' / Ilana: 'So, like a bully.' / Abbi: 'Huh. I forgot about bullies.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana assessing Ethel: 'She's like a cyberbully IRL.' Abbi: 'So, like a bully.' Ilana: 'Huh. I forgot about bullies.'

Edna or Ethel:Old woman tells Ilana she 'got to [BLEEP] JFK' so Ethel didn't have to

Ilana:Ilana's response to the JFK revelation: 'Ooh, such a predator. I'm so sorry. Women have been treated horrible up until this time and including this time.'

Eliot:Eliot scatting / improvising music alone in the apartment [10:11-10:22 scene]

Eliot · Airline Rep:Eliot's airline hold situation: transferred from 'misplaced baggage' to 'lost baggage' — 'What, no, how are those different?'

Bobbi · Eliot:Bobbi asks Eliot to 'thump' her back: 'Why don't you make yourself useful and either help me pack or thump me? I'm having a very bad day.'

Bobbi · Eliot:Eliot thumping Bobbi's back and her making sounds that disturb him: 'Come on, deeper. Right there, ah, right there. Ahh...' / Eliot: 'Mom... The noises, the noises.'

Bobbi · Eliot:Bobbi and Eliot mutually [BLEEP] each other — 'All right, [BLEEP] you.' / '[BLEEP] you!' / 'Sorry.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana raises the political concern about living in Florida: 'Donald [BLEEP] land' — then the text from Jaime: 'It is four degrees in New York City. And our pipes in our apartment just froze and burst... again.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Let's go borrow Grandma Esther's dope Cadillac. Head up to "Pube-icks," AKA Publix.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Florida might be filled with [BLEEP] supporters, but if we move here, our votes could swing the state.'

Ilana:Ilana calls Publix 'Pube-icks'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana dancing in Grandma Esther's Cadillac on the way to Publix [12:10-12:44 musical sequence]

Abbi:Abbi cheerfully distributing hors d'oeuvres at the board meeting: 'Hope you take as much as you like. Just remember to vote for us.'

Ilana:Ilana's deadpan observational: 'Bitches are horny for butterscotch.'

Board:The board takes approximately five seconds to reach a decision after being told it will 'confer'

Board President:The board president's acceptance speech: 'Well, we'd rather have two young Jewish [BLEEP] than a couple of [BLEEP].'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi and Ilana's immediate reversal: 'We gotta get the hell outta here!' / 'I don't even know what to do with this!' / 'I can't believe guns come with the apartment!'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi and Bev's negotiation: 'Oh, please, people pay not to sleep on that pile-a-bullshit.' / 'That shit is Ikea. Do I look like a frickin' idiot? I taught you everything you know, girlie.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi: 'All right, you let me have the ring. And I'm gonna give you the end tables and the sleeper sofa.' / Bev: 'Oh, please, people pay not to sleep on that pile-a-bullshit.'

Bobbi:Bobbi threatens to exclude Bev from the annual Sandals vacation as a negotiating chip: 'maybe you shouldn't come to Sandals this year.'

Bev:Bev's response: 'How dare you take my Sandals vacay hostage. How dare you!'

Eliot:The airline finds Eliot's bag right after he says 'Yeah, whatever' and hangs up — he gets the news immediately after giving up

Abbi:Abbi: 'Even the type of fish salad they like is white.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Dude, shaming other white people for their racism is, like, my thing. I've been in a haze!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Get me back to New York where everybody hates Donald [BLEEP] and Mike Pence.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'What are we? In a goddamn Woody Allen movie?'

Bobbi · Bev:The weed-smoking scene: Bobbi and Bev finally reconcile over a shared joint outside Grandma Esther's apartment

Bobbi:High Bobbi recounts stealing Grandma Esther's speed in the Catskills — 'And we're trying to hide it from Grandma. But she spotted us immediately 'cause she was high on speed herself'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi corrects Bev about losing her virginity: Bev insists it was 'Jerry Katz the year after I went to college' — Bev: 'Unh-unh, I lied.'

Bev:Bev's virginity story: she lost it to a boy with a scoliosis brace, and 'I was so petrified that I was gonna wake all of youse up because it kept bangin' against the headboard.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bev: 'Wait a minute, Neil Friedman? Wasn't he the one with the scoliosis brace?' / Bev: 'Uh-huh.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi: 'I was so petrified that I was gonna wake all of youse up because it kept bangin' against the headboard.' / 'Bangin'?' / Loud laughter from the sisters

Bobbi:Bobbi's response: 'Bangin'?' — catching the double meaning, then immediately deciding to give Bev the ring

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi: 'Beverly, you know what? You take the ring.' / Bev: 'No, Bobbi, you take it.' / Bobbi: 'No, you take it, Bev. Who could care? It's just a material possession.'

Eliot:Eliot: 'Oh, my God, Mom, you need to smoke more often, like, every damn day.'

Bobbi:Stoned Bobbi's Facebook epiphany: 'Sometimes I wanna be one of those people that just, like, deletes Facebook altogether. And then I can always tell everyone I deleted Facebook. But then I'd miss all the baby pics.'

Bobbi:Bobbi reveals, while stoned: 'I saw earlier on Facebook that Lincoln changed his status to single.'

Ilana:Ilana's response to Lincoln's single status: 'Cool. Cool.' [beat]

Ilana · Abbi · Bobbi · Bev:Ilana reveals she brought weed 'in my pussy' on the plane — Bobbi coughs / Abbi: 'Ew.' Bobbi: 'I knew it, it's a thing.' / Bev: 'Oh, big freakin' deal. She came out of you. You can't smoke a little weed that came out of her?'

Bobbi:Bobbi's goodbye to the apartment: 'You gave us some fun times and E.coli from the pool that one year.'

Bobbi:Bobbi to the grandchildren on departure: 'Use condoms!'

Eliot:Eliot: 'Thanks for the full new wardrobe.' — as he leaves in Grandma Esther's clothes