White People Can't Dance

Dave Chappelle:'People always say things, for instance, that white people can't dance. It's not that white people can't dance...' followed by the pivot to the guitar theory

Dave Chappelle · John Mayer:Dave introduces John Mayer as his collaborator for this social experiment

Dave Chappelle · John Mayer · Corporate Employees:Corporate boardroom employees can't resist dancing when John Mayer plays electric guitar during a business meeting

Dave Chappelle:Dave whispering like a nature documentary narrator in a corporate boardroom

Dave Chappelle:'A lot of Bush votes in the room. Let's see how the conservative crowd acts when they hear guitar music while they're eating.'

Dave Chappelle · John Mayer · Restaurant Patrons:Restaurant patrons go absolutely wild dancing when the 'fight riff' guitar plays, including glass breaking

Dave Chappelle:'Enjoy your lunch, everybody.'

Dave Chappelle:'Every experiment needs a control. Now, right now, me and John are in a barber shop in Harlem. Everyone here is either Black or Latino. Let's see how electric guitar works on them.'

Barber Shop Patron:'Hey, yo! Shut the fuck up!' — Barber shop patron's reaction to the electric guitar

Dave Chappelle:'Okay, okay. That went pretty much how I expected.'

Dave Chappelle · Questlove · Barber Shop Patrons:Questlove appears with a drum kit; Dave introduces him and the Harlem barber shop immediately erupts into dancing and rapping

Dave Chappelle:Dave introduces Questlove (misspelled as 'Quest Love' in transcript) to play drums for the Black barbershop patrons — 'Now, let's see how the Blacks respond to drums.'

Barber Shop Patron (Rapper):Spontaneous freestyle rap from a barber shop patron: 'Yo, yo, yo... I'm not of any sex or any race / if you were beatin' me / it's like Billy Crystal playin' Scarface'

Dave Chappelle:'But I still happened to notice some of the Latin people were nodding their heads but they weren't really feelin' it as much as I thought they would.'

Dave Chappelle · Sanchez · Latin Barber Shop Patrons:Dave introduces 'Sanchez' and salsa music; Latin barber shop patrons immediately go wild

Dave Chappelle:Dave summarizes: 'Latins love congos and electric piano with Spanish gibberish over it... I guess.'

Dave Chappelle · Police Officer:A cop appears demanding a permit to shoot on location mid-punchline delivery

John Mayer · Police Officer · Dave Chappelle:John Mayer plays 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' to distract the cop, who immediately gets emotional and starts singing along

Police Officer · John Mayer:The cop is visibly affected by 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' — he stops and begins emotionally reacting to the guitar music.

Dave Chappelle · Police Officer:'Hey, my man, how you know that song?' / 'I'm from the suburbs, man, I can't help it. I can't help it!'

John Mayer:John Mayer explains he knows the song because 'I'm from the suburbs, man, I can't help it. I can't help it!'

Police Officer · John Mayer · Dave Chappelle:The cop fully joins in singing 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' while the whole scene has devolved into a communal music moment

Announcer · Dave Chappelle · Man in Bed:The Ribs pharmaceutical ad parody: 'From the makers of Valtran and Similox, comes America's #1 sleeping aid: Ribs.'

Announcer:'Once ingested, Ribs go to work on your stomach, spreading barbecue sauce and greasy porkiness throughout, creating an age-old condition called the itis.'

Man in Bed:Man in the ribs ad farts after eating, saying 'Mud butt...'

Husband:The man in the pharmaceutical ad farts — 'Mud butt' — as a disclosed side effect.

Dave Chappelle · Audience Member:Dave asks the audience what the inverse white sleeping aid would be — someone in the crowd shouts 'Box of wine!'

Dave Chappelle · Audience Member:Dave breaks from the Ribs sketch to muse about what the equivalent white-people sleeping aid would be — then gets an audience suggestion: 'Box of wine.'

Dave Chappelle:'Wine comes in a box, America? Damn.' / 'He said that without hesitation... (dryly) Box of wine. Puts me right out.'

Audience Member:The audience member delivers his own deadpan impression: '(speaking dryly) Box of wine. Puts me right out.'

Dave Chappelle:'How come you never make fun of yourself?' / 'Cause it's not easy, I'm sensitive.'

Dave Chappelle:'Then there was me at 24. Budding movie star, reefer addict, and a man with a sexual appetite that would make Michael Douglas seem gay.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave at 30: 'Proud father, loyal husband, and prompt taxpayer.'

Young Dave (18):18-year-old Dave trying to work out a relationship problem using Das EFX-style lyrical tics: 'I liggity-love you. Piggity-pow.'

Young Dave (18):'You act like all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom zoom in your boom boom. Why you gotta be like this?!'

Young Dave (18):'What a biggity-bitch. I'm talkin' about myself, of course.'

Young Dave (24) · Stripper:24-year-old Dave processing relationship problems while clearly at a strip club, getting lap dances as he complains about his girlfriend's lack of trust

Dave Chappelle (age 24):'And the other day, you know what she had the nerve to say to me? That I smelled like I been at the titty bar. So-the-fuck-what?'

Dave (30) · Wife:30-year-old Dave's approach to relationship problems: extreme hesitation and the suggestion of silent, resigned sleeping on the couch

Dave Chappelle (age 30) · Wife:30-year-old Dave handling relationship problems: a long pause, a sigh, 'Baby... baby, you up?' followed by silence and then... grunting.

Young Dave (18):18-year-old Dave being pulled over: 'Help!' (just screaming for help as his only police response)

Young Dave (24):24-year-old Dave getting arrested and combative with police: 'Why don't you get on the ground!' / 'Gimme my license back! Now, spread your cheeks and lift yo' sack! / And you know what? I am high... I'm high!'

Dave Chappelle (age 30) · Cop:30-year-old Dave being pulled over: 'Sorry about that, I was running late for a shoot for my show... Chappelle's Show. I'm Dave Chappelle.'

Police Officer:'Buckle up, baby!' — cop's dismissive sign-off to Dave's failed celebrity plea

Young Dave (18):'The Wayans brothers? There's more?!' — 18-year-old Dave's response to losing a movie part

Young Dave (24):'Chris Tucker?! Fuck! / Who got the other part? / Jackie Chan?! That motherfucker can't even speak English!'

Dave (30) · Dave's Son:'Who's Nick Cannon?' / 'Daddy, Nick Cannon is hilarious.' / 'Man, fuck you, son! / I'm broke, nigga, I'm broke!'

Dave Chappelle (age 30):'I'm glad you think he's so goddamn hilarious because he just walked off your school clothes money.'

Young Dave (18) · Dave Chappelle:'When you lose, don't lose the lesson.' — 18-year-old Dave's life philosophy, attributed to 'His Holiness, the Dalai Lama'

Young Dave (24):'Hey, hey, hey, hey... smoke weed everyday. See ya.'

Dave (30):'Fuck Nick Cannon.' — 30-year-old Dave's life philosophy

Dave (30) · Dave's Son:Dave's son defends Nick Cannon ('He's hilarious') and then Dave continues arguing with his own child about it

Dave Chappelle:'We're gonna take a quick commercial break. But Dave-at-30 will be right back after these messages.'

Dave Chappelle:'That was the gooch...' — Dave's aside mid-Diff'rent Strokes performance

Dave Chappelle:'That was the Gooch...' — Dave's deadpan aside while performing the Diff'rent Strokes theme.

Dave Chappelle · John Mayer · Questlove:Dave performs both Diff'rent Strokes AND The Facts of Life themes back-to-back as a sincere love song to the world

Dave Chappelle:'I'm rich, biatch!' — post-credits Chappelle catchphrase, horn honk