Bobbi

Ilana · Bobbi:This bitch is always late. Oh, here she is. I can't believe you beat me here! This bitch is always late. - Hi, mom. - Hi, honey.

Bobbi:Bobbi says 'Yelp said somebody got staph infection in this place. It's so cheap now.' — as if staph is a positive endorsement

Ilana · Bobbi:Visual gag: nail polish bottles slapping in unison — presumably Bobbi and Ilana doing some kind of synchronized nail polish display

Bobbi:Bobbi's eulogy for Grandma Esther: 'She played for the Rockford Peaches. She sang at the Cotton Club. And she fucked Little Richard!'

Abbi · Ilana · Bobbi:'Wait, I thought Little Richard was gay.' / 'Bisexual alien.' / 'No, bisexual alien.'

Bobbi · Ilana:Bobbi: 'Gets me a chance to go to Canal Street and pick up some handbags for the girls back on Long Island.' Ilana: 'Mom, I thought we were done with the bag obsession.' Bobbi: 'Excuse me, Ilana, my mother just died. I was done, but now I'm dipping my toe back in.'

Ilana · Bobbi · Abbi:Ilana and Bobbi admiring Abbi's butt as she walks away — Abbi: 'Talking about my butt?' Both: 'Yes.'

Ilana · Bobbi:Ilana and Bobbi casually discuss Jay-Z and Beyoncé being in the Illuminati, and Blue Ivy becoming 'grandmaster supreme'

Ilana · Bobbi:Ilana: 'His lips are his hottest feature!' / Bobbi: 'Not for me.'

Ilana · Bobbi:The group is offered blindfolds for the covert bag operation; Ilana and Bobbi pull out their own: 'We bring our own blindfolds, no. Thank you.'

Elliott · Ilana · Bobbi:Elliott (Ilana's dad) at the Shiva: 'My dad didn't love me half as much as I love you guys.' / Family: 'Okay.' / 'We know.'

Bobbi · Ilana:Simply yes or no. Did you or did you not... (exhaling sharply) Peg? / (Elliott continues singing)

Bobbi · Abbi:Bobbi inspects Abbi's bag at the Shiva: 'Ooh, this is a nice bag. Italian leather? ... Let me see... I'll be the judge of that.' / Abbi deflects; Bobbi: 'Abbi Anna Abrams! My mother's freshly dead! Now let me look at this lining!'

Bobbi:Abbi Anna Abrams! My mother's freshly dead! Now let me look at this lining!

Bobbi:Ooh, waterproof, love that. Uh-huh. Nice backstitch. You really are a high-class jewess, let me tell ya.

Elliott · Bobbi:Elliott explains pegging to the assembled Shiva guests: 'Straight men and gay men alike both enjoy prostate stimulation. And it's very popular with married couples.' / 'Is it?' / 'Probably.'

Bobbi · Elliott:Bobbi: 'We were at the Millers' once. It turned out it was a swingers party. No, but we didn't have sex with anybody... but we stayed 'cause the food was incredible.' / Elliott: '...and also because the owner's child had died of an overdose and we wanted to be supportive.' / Bobbi: 'Out of support.'

Bobbi · Ilana:I never got to say goodbye. / The bags know, mom. They know.

Stranger · Bobbi · Ilana:Hey, you're blocking the whole fucking sidewalk! / (Both women shouting) Who the hell are you, you disrespectful motherfucker? So walk around us, you patriarchal motherfucker! Who do you think you are, talking to us that way? You move around us, fuck face! I'll fucking murder you, you little bitch! You cross the street!

Bobbi · Bobbi's Friend:Bobbi's friend cries at Abbi's speech; Bobbi: 'Mom, feel something!' / Bobbi: 'I'm feeling the inside of this bag, okay?'

Elliott · Bobbi · Ilana:Elliott: 'Don't forget to wear a condom.' / Bobbi: 'Or not... I don't know what's appropriate in this situation.' / Ilana: 'Listen to me: Get that ass.'

Bobbi:Bobbi has left her phone in one of her many Canal Street bags — which are now all evidence in a police investigation. She starts tearing open the bags: 'Don't put 'em on the filthy floor! Where's the pashmina?'

Bobbi · Ilana:Bobbi and Ilana counting aloud: 'One bag, two bag, three bag, four. Bags, bags, bags. Five bags, six bags, seven bags, more.' Both: 'Jesus Christ.'

Ilana · Bobbi · Officer:During arrest, Ilana: 'Guess we're being let off easy 'cause we're extremely white.' / Bobbi: 'Yeah, that's the prison industrial complex for you.' / Officer: 'Want to get back in the car?' / Both: 'We just want to make sure our voices are heard.' / Officer: 'They were... you're very loud.'

Ilana · Bobbi:Guess we're being let off easy 'cause we're extremely white. / Yeah, that's the prison industrial complex for you.

Bobbi · Ilana · Officer:Officer: 'We can't give you the bags. They're evidence in an ongoing counterfeit investigation.' / Ilana: 'Enjoy your new handbags!' / Bobbi: ''Ongoing'.'

Bobbi:Bobbi on the Zabar's call from jail: 'Don't you yell at me!'

Bobbi · Elliot/Dad:Forgot about precious asshole. / But my asshole is fair game, of course!

Bobbi · Eliot:Bobbi calls the driver 'Driver' and Eliot corrects her: 'Mom, don't call him driver.' Bobbi's response: 'Yeah, they call this security, this guy. Like, he's gonna stop anybody, huh?'

Bobbi · Security Guard:The gate security asks 'Esther Baumgarten?' and Bobbi snaps back 'No. No, that's my mother. She's dead.' Then shouts 'Dead! She's dead!' when the guard doesn't immediately respond

Bobbi:Bobbi: 'God, I needed to be slapped in the face with this Vitamin D. I could feel my mustache lightening.'

Bobbi:Bobbi: 'It's insane that didn't do carry-on. But, look, I had to check. I had my shampoo and my conditioner. And it's made especially for the humid...ity.' Pauses on 'humid' before finishing 'ity'

Bobbi · Abbi · Ilana:Bobbi tells Abbi she needs to change her Facebook profile picture: 'You're not doing yourself any favors.' Then reveals she's Facebook friends with ALL of Ilana's friends.

Bev · Bobbi:Bev brags about SoulCycle making her sweat — Bobbi immediately deadpans: 'Otherwise known as a hot flash.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi sniffs Bev and hisses 'She smells of mothballs' — launching the sisters into a fight about who started cleaning out the apartment first

Bobbi:Bobbi invokes her diaphragm-insertion teachings as grounds for respect in the argument: 'I'm the person who taught you how to insert a diaphragm!'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi and Bev fighting over grandmother's possessions: 'Ersatz ruby from Little Richard.' / 'Let's just cut the crap, Princess Ticklefeather.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi: 'So now I'm being punished because I don't have children?' / [Beat] / Bev: 'Drama queen.' / [Another beat] / Bobbi: 'You know, I still may.'

Bobbi · Eliot:Bobbi asks Eliot to 'thump' her back: 'Why don't you make yourself useful and either help me pack or thump me? I'm having a very bad day.'

Bobbi · Eliot:Eliot thumping Bobbi's back and her making sounds that disturb him: 'Come on, deeper. Right there, ah, right there. Ahh...' / Eliot: 'Mom... The noises, the noises.'

Bobbi · Eliot:Bobbi and Eliot mutually [BLEEP] each other — 'All right, [BLEEP] you.' / '[BLEEP] you!' / 'Sorry.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi and Bev's negotiation: 'Oh, please, people pay not to sleep on that pile-a-bullshit.' / 'That shit is Ikea. Do I look like a frickin' idiot? I taught you everything you know, girlie.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi: 'All right, you let me have the ring. And I'm gonna give you the end tables and the sleeper sofa.' / Bev: 'Oh, please, people pay not to sleep on that pile-a-bullshit.'

Bobbi:Bobbi threatens to exclude Bev from the annual Sandals vacation as a negotiating chip: 'maybe you shouldn't come to Sandals this year.'

Bobbi · Bev:The weed-smoking scene: Bobbi and Bev finally reconcile over a shared joint outside Grandma Esther's apartment

Bobbi:High Bobbi recounts stealing Grandma Esther's speed in the Catskills — 'And we're trying to hide it from Grandma. But she spotted us immediately 'cause she was high on speed herself'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi corrects Bev about losing her virginity: Bev insists it was 'Jerry Katz the year after I went to college' — Bev: 'Unh-unh, I lied.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bev: 'Wait a minute, Neil Friedman? Wasn't he the one with the scoliosis brace?' / Bev: 'Uh-huh.'

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi: 'I was so petrified that I was gonna wake all of youse up because it kept bangin' against the headboard.' / 'Bangin'?' / Loud laughter from the sisters

Bobbi:Bobbi's response: 'Bangin'?' — catching the double meaning, then immediately deciding to give Bev the ring

Bobbi · Bev:Bobbi: 'Beverly, you know what? You take the ring.' / Bev: 'No, Bobbi, you take it.' / Bobbi: 'No, you take it, Bev. Who could care? It's just a material possession.'

Bobbi:Stoned Bobbi's Facebook epiphany: 'Sometimes I wanna be one of those people that just, like, deletes Facebook altogether. And then I can always tell everyone I deleted Facebook. But then I'd miss all the baby pics.'

Bobbi:Bobbi reveals, while stoned: 'I saw earlier on Facebook that Lincoln changed his status to single.'

Ilana · Abbi · Bobbi · Bev:Ilana reveals she brought weed 'in my pussy' on the plane — Bobbi coughs / Abbi: 'Ew.' Bobbi: 'I knew it, it's a thing.' / Bev: 'Oh, big freakin' deal. She came out of you. You can't smoke a little weed that came out of her?'

Bobbi:Bobbi's goodbye to the apartment: 'You gave us some fun times and E.coli from the pool that one year.'

Bobbi:Bobbi to the grandchildren on departure: 'Use condoms!'

Bobbi:Bobbi's video call strategy to break bad news to Ilana: they took her to see Savion Glover ('King of tap') and snuck in a backpack of sour cherry straws — and she still tried to declare legal emancipation

Bobbi:Bobbi reveals Eliot told her he's having an affair with a married man — 'He's a homewrecker, Abbi!' — after promising to keep the secret for 12 hours