Witches

Ilana:It's like, we're old enough to drink, we're old enough to chaperone a high school dance, to vote. Like that did fuck anything.

Ilana:And I was this close to being able to afford the Hot Dream Q20-X space heater. It's the one that Drew Barrymore uses.

Abbi:Do you, like, get her credit card statements or something?

Ilana:I think she's got great taste, and, like, a pixie spirit.

Ilana:I'm a waitress. I am for real rich, not Trump rich.

Ilana:I'm a little hard right now.

Ilana:About this, Abigail. The most powerful moment in a woman's life: Your first gray hair!

Ilana:I'm full-on flooding with envy.

Ilana:Don't you see? You're becoming a witch. A dope and powerful fucking witch. Like Dame Judi Dench. And Stacey London from 'What Not to Wear' before you. You're ascending.

Roommate:Witches aren't real, you guys.

Ilana:Dude, if witches aren't real, then who makes all the kombucha? And where do scarves come from? Scarf tree?

Abbi:I just thought that by the time I'd have gray hair, I'd have...a MacArthur Genius Grant or at least be posting pictures of 'akai' bowls on my Instagram account.

Ilana · Abbi:Acai. / Whatever.

Ilana:Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble, bitch!

Abbi · Ilana:250 camp friends? / But not anymore. I am selling 'em.

Ilana · Abbi · Ilana:I just have to meet up with my dad for pedicures. Oh, I thought that you said that you were doing the ice skating with your mom today. Whole... family day planned.

Ilana:I just gotta make sure that I find the time for a powerful genital sneeze, or four. 'Cause I'm a cum kween!

Ilana:I just have to come sometimes. Like today, so fucking much, so maybe you guys can get the fuck out so I can jerk off real quick.

Abbi · Roommate · Ilana:What? / What? / I'm okay.

Ilana:Am I allowed to behave that way?

Street Vendor:Knish, k'witch?

Abbi · Margo:Well, with the BB&B coupon, it comes to, like, 69 bucks... / Oh, horny number! Ooh, yowza, love it!

Ilana · Abbi:It's kinda like the Wexlers Take Manhattan. We actually call it that. / It's cute. / Yeah. Totally.

Margo · Abbi:Would you like a hit of some soup? / Wow. Homemade lentil.

Ilana · Margo:Oh, my goddess. You two have the same thermos. / Same wheelie cart, too. / Soul sisters.

Abbi · Ilana:It's actually the only one where the wheels don't turn to squares when you roll over snow salt. / That was spooky.

Ilana:That Margo's a mighty witch. She nearly gave me a clit, throat and butt-gasm.

Ilana:I'm a crazy, sick sex addict, like David Duchovny in that show, and in real life.

Ilana · Abbi:Better jerk off before I get on the subway. / Ew, Ilana, chill. / Later, Ab. Super wet!

Betty:So, Ilana... Show me your vulva.

Ilana:So basically, I've had more sex than, like, anybody in the entire world. Not just average sex, but, like, dank '70s porno sex. I can squirt, and like, spray. I leave a cum trail wherever I go, kind of like a slutty slug.

Ilana:It is my friend Abbi's problem, so I'm just here for her by proxy. She hasn't, uh, orgasmed in months. And she's too embarrassed to come, L-O-L, here, to see you.

Betty · Ilana:So your friend hasn't come in months and you're here for her. / Exactly.

Betty:Okay. If that's what you want to do. [beat]

Margo:Would you like a puff of my wand? It's pretty magical.

Margo:You know, most people don't realize this, but you lose most of your body heat from your upper wing area.

Margo · Abbi:Hey! Same Tupperware! / Oh, yeah. / Uh, twinsies, I guess.

Betty · Ilana:Beautiful, isn't she? / Straight up gorgeous.

Betty · Ilana:Ilana, I want you to name your vulva. / What about... 'Abbi'?

Ilana:Abbi... you've been stubborn lately. Like, withholding. You're so full of shit. You can't even focus enough to relax. You're not even a vulva or a vagina. You're just a butthole that happens to bleed. I fucking hate you, bitch! Fuck you!

Betty:It's okay. It's just the first layer: rage.

Ilana:I know it's not you. It's me. I increased my dosage of antidepressants. And I've also just been more anxious and depressed, this whole disgusting, gross year. And now I have dead pussy.

Betty · Ilana:Dead pussy. / [pause] / Dead pussy. / [longer pause] / It's essentially dead.

Ilana · Betty:How about a little hug for the Donald? / It's like a magnet. / Grab 'em by the pussy. / USA! USA! USA! / Grab 'em... Grab 'em by the pussy. / I won. I won.

Ilana:Game show president *** in chief! / I haven't come since the election! And come is a lot of who I am. I'm a cum kween.

Betty · Ilana · Betty:Orgasms have been down 140% since Trump was elected. / Ugh! It's been horrible for everyone. / Great for me, though. I'm technically the only small business owner that that human skin tag has ever helped.

Betty:Great for me, though. I'm technically the only small business owner that that human skin tag has ever helped.

Dermatologist · Abbi · Dermatologist:Oh. Oh, um, you have a little... / It's a gray! / Uh, no. On your nose. / Oh, it's a lentil. It's a lentil from way... earlier. I don't know how that got up there.

Dermatologist · Abbi:An Upper East Side dermatologist, if you catch my drift. / Yeah, okay, I see. / But what do you mean by that?

Dermatologist:Let's just say I can get my hands on whatever a girl needs to stay fresh and young-looking. Botox, fillers, bat feces.

Abbi:I'm still in my 20s. I mean, the gray is super premature, and the hunchback is just a scarf to protect my wings.

Margo · Abbi · Margo:I went to MICA, too! / You could hear all that? / Spooky.

Betty:You're traumatized by the fact that a sexual-assault bragging steak salesman has become our president.

Ilana · Betty · Ilana:Ew! Wait! Ugh! / God, I'm never gonna come again! / It's not going to be easy. Stay in the moment. / Fuck you, Trump! / I'm going back in.

Jeremy · Abbi:Oh, my God. Abbi? / Jeremy?

Jeremy · Abbi:Natalie, this is Abbi, my old neighbor. / 'Old'?

Natalie:Hi, Zabby! / [beat]

Jeremy:Oh, no, no, no. No, no, we're not married. She's not my property.

Jeremy:We're best friends. Soul mates. Co-parents.

Abbi:Um, yeah, obviously, you're not married. This is not what I do for a living. This is... I lost a bet, so that's why.

Natalie:Babe, we should get some. 'Thank you' cards, for the Planned Parenthood fundraiser.

Natalie · Abbi:And I love helping struggling artists. / Actually, you know what? Keep it.

Abbi:I should be pounding that ass tonight.

Margo:Money is a mind control technique that quantifies the progress of the patriarchy!

Ilana:An average-sized dick... / Yes. / Electoral college! / Come on. / Fat titties. / Mike Pence! / Focus, focus...

Ilana · Betty:Hairy taints... / Tiny, tiny hands! / Push through. Tap in. You are powerful. You are woman. / Yes. You... are... cum kween!

Ilana:When they go low, we go high. Women can get stuff done.

Ilana:He can never, ever take away our cumming.

Dermatologist:Looking good. Just let that sink in for a little longer before we hit the other side.

Dermatologist:That and 20 of its cousins. It's hard to be beautiful these days. It is my full-time job, but for most other women, it's their second full-time job where you're losing money.

Dermatologist:Obviously, your chin is of concern.

Abbi:I thought I...had a...like, a Reese Witherspoon chin.

Abbi:I thought I... I had a... like, a Reese Witherspoon chin.

Dermatologist:Or, I can make you whiter.

Abbi:I think I'm really hot. / Usually. I usually feel super hot.

Abbi:I think you're really beautiful. And I think that you would be even if you didn't do any of this crazy shit to your face.

Dermatologist:Oh, no. I laughed. [beat]

Betty:Hey, drink up. You lost a lot of fluids during that humongous orgasm.

Betty · Ilana · Ilana:It's mostly weed, a little ginger and some cumin. / It's really good. / I think I'm gonna cüm again.

Betty:Yes! The floodgates are open now. You've got a lot of orgasming to do after a year of Trump-related pussy constipation.

Ilana:I hate to 'gaz and dash, but I want to go tell Abbi what 'Abbi' accomplished today.

Ilana · Betty:I can't thank you enough for helping m... / Oh... / Ooh, it's happening again! Oh! It's gonna be a big one! Oh! / I'm gonna have to get these rugs cleaned.

Ilana · Betty:Oh! Ooh, it's happening again! Oh! It's gonna be a big one! Oh! I'm gonna have to get these rugs cleaned.

Abbi · Ilana:Are you sweating? / What happened to your face?

Abbi:Then I felt like it's cooler to be, like, hot and young than warm, but then as the Botox was being injected into my face, I was like, it's...it's cooler to be warm.

Ilana:Botox? Abbi, what?

Abbi:Oh, my God, my table's gone!

Abbi · Ilana:'Dear Young Abbi, at the start of the winter solstice tonight, come into the thicket of the park. You'll know when you've arrived.' / Oh, God, that is witchy!