Along Came Molly

Ilana:Playing 'Heart and Soul' on public piano immediately pivoted into a detailed, earnest account of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire — 146 people incinerated or plummeting to their deaths — delivered with tourist-guide enthusiasm

Abbi:Abbi responds to the graphic Triangle Shirtwaist story with 'Sucks.' then immediately pivots: 'Okay, cool. What's next on the list?'

Ilana:Central Park is introduced as 'exquisite,' immediately undercut by Ilana noting the Central Park 5 were wrongfully imprisoned for their 'entire young adult lives, for no other reason than being black and brown boys'

Abbi:'L.O. fully L!' — Abbi's dismissive reaction to Ilana's Central Park 5 history lesson, followed immediately by 'Okay. Yikes.'

Ilana:The 'House of Horrors' reveal: Mark Twain's house is also the site of a 1987 child abuse case, culminating in 'They blamed it on freebasing too much coke. Yeah, right.'

Ilana:'Steinberg lives in Harlem, with a garden! A garden! The fucking nerve!' followed by singing 'New York, New York, it's a helluva town'

Ilana:While admiring the skyline from the ferry, Ilana declares: 'It's nuts that the whole damn thing is really just one giant burial ground.'

Abbi · Ilana:'It's like beauty-beauty-beauty, bodies-bodies-bodies! / Swindled from the Native Americans for just $24.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Same price as this breakfast.' / 'Only in New York!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's nose starts bleeding spontaneously while talking about moving, and she is completely unbothered — 'Oh, I didn't even feel it. Whoo!'

Abbi · Ilana:'Is it not tickets to the musical about Jimmy Fallon's childhood?' / 'Born to Giggle?'

Abbi · Ilana:The Lil Wayne reveal — slow buildup, long pause, then just 'Lil Wayne' — followed by Ilana's ecstatic response

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi reveals 'Molly' is a new friend coming to the concert; Ilana objects, then Abbi clarifies: 'No, dude... Molly, like MDMA.'

Ilana:'Who are you, Molly dang Cyrus?'

Ilana:'I've only done it the one time where I stole the van.'

Ilana:'One week before you move 1,972 miles away, I finally get to meet Perfect Abbi.'

Abbi · Ilana:'You must've looked that up, huh?' / 'Legs. Legs.' as they pause from carrying the couch

Ilana:Ilana tries to claim a couch from trash pickup, insisting 'That's not trash! You can't take it!' then doubles down with 'I will not be bullied!'

Abbi · Ilana:Nostalgia for 'the time I made out with Bevers...ly. / What? / Beversly.'

Abbi · Ilana:After carrying the couch down three flights of stairs, Abbi wants to keep it; Ilana agrees; 'That'll be a problem for later us.' / 'Yeah, they'll figure it out.'

Ilana:Ilana tells a potential buyer the couch is 'pre-fall 2010 CB2 Resort collection'

Abbi:On the couch, imagining if cushions could talk: 'lost coins or, um, hot farts, or people who've unexpectedly made out after one of them opened up his relationship'

Unknown third party (neighbor/Bevers):'I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that.' — a third party clearly overhearing the couch cushion speech

Abbi · Ilana:'Shut up! Shut up! / Shut up! Shut up about that! / Nobody know dat!'

Abbi · Ilana:They are riding on top of the garbage truck to prevent the couch from being destroyed; Abbi asks 'What the fuck are we doing?' / Ilana: 'I have no idea, dude!'

Ilana:'There was a moment in time where trash was very comforting to me.' — Ilana casually reveals she has a history with garbage

Abbi · Ilana:'That's what garbage trucks do, they stop every half a block and hold up traffic, and then you're stuck in a cab on 10th street, you end up peeing in a Slurpee cup and paying double the fare. / Some... sometimes. Some people do.'

Abbi:'Are you a Garbage Pail Kid?'

Ilana:Ilana matter-of-factly explains that Corn Flakes were invented by Dr. Kellogg to curb masturbation because he feared bold flavors would make people horny

Abbi · Ilana:'I always wanted Frosted Mini-Wheats, so I steered clear.' / 'Ding ding, dawg... That's fucking Kellogg's!'

Ilana:The garbage men catch them on the truck — Ilana's explanation: 'Abbi's moving next week and we're best friends! / She's mine!'

Ilana:Confronted by sanitation workers for riding/raiding the truck: 'This is actually my couch. And we are just taking it... taking it back.' — delivered at maximum casualness

Sanitation Worker:Sanitation worker reveals he's been on the route with Ike for 15 years: 'wives and kids and Little League games. Mistresses, union scabs. Gettin' made.'

Ilana:'I would've loved to rinse off before we went to the show, but I know that Wayne likes a stinky pussy.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi tries to pretend Ilana meant the comment 'for the couch' — 'Yeah. Uh, that... It's... That's great. / You mean, the couch. / I meant for the couch.'

Abbi:Extended beat where Abbi suggests — very slowly, with long pauses — that they could take... the sofa... to... the concert

Bouncer:'I can't tell, 'cause the outfits aren't matching the faces.'

Ilana:'No, you are not. Craigslist is the most legitimate business, okay? The last time we used it, we cleaned that dude's apartment in our underwear.'

Ilana:The vent/ventilation shaft plan: 'You get on my shoulders. You do the thing. You pry it open. You crawl inside.'

Abbi:Abbi elaborates her shirt-rope plan: 'Once I'm inside, I'll take my clothes off, and I'll tie 'em all in a rope, okay, in a knot. And I'll pull you up. I'm actually getting hot anyway, so this works out.'

Abbi · Ilana:Riffing on rapper names with 'Lil' prefix while high: Lil' Dookie, Lil' Deval, Lil' Papa, Lil' Uzi Vert discussed — 'Wait, wait, wait. Vert, like a... Like a string bean? Like a... the legume?'

Ilana · Abbi:'Oh, my God. If I was a rapper, my name would be Les Petites Haricot Vert.' / 'Oh, my God! I'd be Lil' Webding!' / 'I'd be Lil'... Lil Two-ply.' / 'Lil' Clit Stem.' / 'Lil' Nap Time?' / 'Lil' Mammogram to advertise the importance of getting mammograms.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana's invented rapper names: 'Lil' Webding! / Lil Two-ply. / Lil' Clit Stem. / Lil' Nap Time? / Lil' Mammogram to advertise the importance of getting mammograms.'

Ilana:'The litter stayed light!' — Ilana announces this as a triumph while they're in a ventilation shaft

Ilana · Abbi:'Oh, my God. Whispering is so dope. I forgot.' / 'Yes.'

Ilana:'Oh, my God. Whispering is so dope. I forgot.'

Abbi · Ilana:'I forgot we were at a Lil Wayne concert!' / 'Me, too!'

Ilana:'Yeah, it's like, I love how I don't necessarily love it, you know what I mean? But I'm an unconditional ride-or-die for him, and I'm grateful for what we went through to get here!'

Ilana:Ilana suggests dropping from the vent onto the audience ('break some skulls, dude!') or onto the stage to 'be part of it'

Abbi:The alternative plan: 'Or... we could go back to the alley that we were hanging at, and just not be inside a vent?' — delivered as an entirely reasonable option

Ilana:They have their own private Lil Wayne concert in the alley, listening through the wall — 'We got our own Lil' Weezy concert right... here.'

Ilana:'I worry in retrospect that I've been co-opting your time and keeping you from growing'

Abbi:'you don't just, like, keep bringing people fish, you know? You teach them how to use their ass. And then they never go hungry, you know what I mean? They never go hungry.'

Ilana:'Oof, dat... ass, though. Damn, girl!'

Ilana:'LOL... Remember Jeremy?' — Ilana drops a name mid-serious reflection

Ilana:'I realize now that I didn't give Lincoln really a full, true, and real shot 'cause I always made you my priority.'

Ilana:'these nosebleeds that I keep getting, it's every time I think of us apart, so it's really like a psychosomatic response to our crippling co-dependency.'

Abbi:'We are co-dependent! We, you, me, we're Lil' Codies, dude! That's our DJ name.'

Ilana · Abbi:'This space is gonna give us the chance to be our better, bolder selves.' / 'Boulder!' / 'Oh! Boulder!'

Abbi · Ilana:They realize they forgot the couch — 'I forgot the fucking couch?' / 'Stupid! Stupid! What's wrong with us?'

Ilana:'I just had to talk that shit out, truly. And the fact that I can let it go is a positive. Positivissimo. Yaas!'

Ilana · Abbi:The come-down: 'Do you feel, like, a little weird, like, mm, shitty, perhaps?' / 'I am starting to not feel well.'

Ilana:'The come-down can be a little... tricky.' — Ilana's ominous pause

Abbi · Ilana:'Do you have juice? No, I don't have any juice. Do you have bread? Do you have bread? / I don't keep bread in the house. I'm not crazy.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi vomits; Ilana immediately shouts 'You gotta get the deposit back!'

Abbi · Ilana:'Where'd you get this Molly from?' / 'I got it on Craigslist.'

Ilana:'No, dude, I'm sorry. I thought it was still, like, a good thing to use for stuff.'

Ilana · Abbi:'It'll be over soon.' / 'Yeah.' / 'In like six more hours.'

Bevers:Bevers appears at the door in a robe and makes an overdramatic entrance: 'What twister blew into town and spit out you two tumbleweeds?'

Abbi · Ilana:'Dude, I'm too old for this shit. / You're 30. / I'm 27. What's wrong with me?'

Bevers:Bevers has sold ALL of Abbi's furniture while they were out — 'I sold every last bit of furniture, and I up-sold most of it... Bevers-style.'

Bevers · Abbi · Ilana:Bevers rubbing/touching them while they're coming down from MDMA — 'Okay, what are you doing? Please stop. / Ew, why are you doing this? / Bevers. Stop.'

Bevers:'And here's my commisshy.' — Bevers presents his commission

Abbi:'Bevers, thank you so much. Really, I really appreciate it. I'm really gonna miss you.'

Abbi · Bevers:'Wait, Bevers, does Melanie even know I'm moving out?' / 'Oh, yeah, she knows.'

Abbi · Ilana:The ending reminiscence sequence: 'Remember when we made meringues? And we took care of that egg, and then it cracked. / That bird we found, that broken bird. / Oh, my God. I hope it's okay. / It's not. You know what I mean? It's dead.'