The Summer Of George

Jerry:George, you were part of the organization. You contributed.

George:I made the coffee. I organized the supply closet.

Jerry:Exactly. That's a contribution.

George:Jerry, I didn't help them win. I made sure they had paper clips.

George:I didn't even do the logistics I was credited for.

Jerry:So what did you do?

Jerry:So what did you do at work today?

George:Work? Well, I had the pastrami on rye for lunch. It was extraordinary.

Jerry:George, I asked what you did at work.

George:I'm telling you, the pastrami was incredible. They don't make it like that anymore.

Jerry:I'm thinking about asking out the waitress.

George:What's she like?

Jerry:Well, she brings coffee. And it's hot.

Elaine:That's your criteria?

Jerry:She's competent! That's all I'm asking for.

Jerry:See, that's not a joke. That's an observation. A joke is something that has a punchline. An observation is just making fun of something.

Jerry:I could say 'What's the deal with orchestra pits?' That's not a joke, that's just me observing that orchestra pits exist and wondering why they call them pits.

George:They're giving me a year's severance. A whole year's pay for doing nothing.

Jerry:George, you've been doing nothing for the past five years. They should be paying you retroactively.

George:This summer, I'm gonna read a book. Not a magazine, not a newspaper - a book.

George:And I'm gonna do it in public.

George:It's frisbee golf. You throw the frisbee from a tee area, and it lands on a target. It's like golf, but with a frisbee.

Jerry:So... you just made up a word for frisbee golf?

George:It's called Frolf. Fris-bee golf. Frolf.

Jerry:That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

George:You know, I've been thinking about the summer. It's like... it's like a woman, you know? You gotta approach it right. You can't just jump in. You gotta let it come to you. Court it. Woo it. And if you do it right, if you really do it right, it'll be the best three months of your life.

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Elaine:Have you seen the way Sam walks?

Kramer:Yeah, like a giraffe.

George:A giraffe? More like an ostrich.

Jerry:An ostrich? She walks like a flamingo on one leg.

Elaine:You guys are terrible. She walks fine.

Kramer:Fine? She looks like a wounded moose trying to escape a forest fire.

Elaine:He walks like this... with his arms out to the sides, like he's trying to balance on a tightrope.

Kramer:Like this?

Elaine:Yes! Exactly like that!

Elaine:I'm not catty! Why does everyone say I'm catty?

Jerry:You're not catty.

Elaine:Thank you.

Jerry:You're a cat.

Elaine:Oh, that's great. That's a real nice thing to say. You know what? This is exactly the kind of double standard I'm talking about. If a woman says something catty about another woman, she's a bitch. But if a man says something catty, nobody cares.

Jerry:Well, that's because men don't care about that stuff.

Elaine:Exactly! It's all a double standard. Ladies' night at clubs — how is that not discrimination?

Jerry:So what did you accomplish today?

George:Well, I woke up this morning, I looked out the window, I saw a really nice day. So I thought to myself, you know what? I'm not going to do anything today. And I didn't. So that was good.

Kramer:You got any antacids?

Jerry:Yeah, sure.

Kramer:I drank some shower water.

Jerry:You drank shower water?

Kramer:I was in the shower, the water was running, I was thirsty. It seemed convenient.

Kramer:Well, you see, I know this guy who knows a guy who works at the theater, and that guy knows someone who's friends with the box office manager's cousin, and through a series of very complicated favors involving my friend Bob Sacamano and some Knicks tickets from 1987, I was able to secure these Tony Award tickets.

Kramer:I have no idea which academy.

Jerry:You know what I like about a tuxedo? You can wear it to a wedding, a funeral, a Bar Mitzvah. You go to a nice restaurant, you're dressed up. You go to a bad restaurant, you're slumming. But the best part? When you're done, you just take it off and you're back to being a regular person. Try doing that with a suit.

Kramer:Hey, hey, hey! Excuse me, are you getting up?

Other Person:Yeah, I'm leaving.

Kramer:Ah!

Kramer:I got it! I got it! Don't worry about it, I'm on it!

Other Person:What are you doing?

Kramer:I'm sitting down! What's it look like I'm doing?

Other Person:But I wasn't finished eating!

Kramer:Oh. Well, I'm already here now.

Kramer:This is my seat. I sit here every time I come in.

Other Customer:Well, I'm sitting here now.

Kramer:You can't sit there. Do you know what this looks like if we're both on TV together?

Jerry:So how do you know Lyle?

Date:He's my cousin.

Jerry:Your cousin? How close are you?

Date:What do you mean how close?

Jerry:I mean, like, are you close close or just cousin close?

Date:We're just cousins, Jerry.

Jerry:Because the way he was looking at you...

Date:He was not looking at me any way.

Jerry:Oh come on, I saw it. There was definite chemistry there. Are you sure there's nothing going on?

Date:I'm positive.

Jerry:Because if you're not interested in men, that would explain a lot. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Date:What? I like men!

Date:Would you like some of my soup?

Jerry:No thanks.

Date:It's got a little squab in it.

Jerry:Squab? That's a pigeon. You're eating a pigeon.

Kramer:I'd like to thank the Academy, my family, my agent...

Audience:*confused applause*

Kramer:I've worked very hard for this moment. Every day, every night, preparing for this role.

Audience:*uncertain murmuring*

Kramer:And I have to say, I've never been in a play in my entire life.

Elaine:You're moving your arm like a caveman!

Sam:A caveman?!

Sam:Oh, that's what everyone warned me about!

Sam:They all said, 'Stay away from Elaine, she's trouble.'

Sam:But did I listen? No!

Jerry:So what's the deal with her apartment? Is she living there or what?

George:Dude, I don't know. She's got boxes everywhere.

Jerry:Dude, that doesn't tell me anything.

George:Dude, I reckon she's moving in or moving out.

Jerry:Dude, which is it?

George:I reckon we're not gonna find out.

Jerry:So what are your plans for the summer? Going to the Hamptons?

George:The Hamptons? I'm not going to the Hamptons.

Jerry:Why not? What about the Hamptons?

George:I don't know anybody in the Hamptons.

Jerry:Well, what about staying here in the city?

George:The city in the summer? Are you crazy?

Kramer:It's about a man who owns a bra factory. He's trying to make the perfect bra, but his son wants to be a dancer. So there's a big conflict there. It's a groundbreaker, Jerry. A real tearjerker.

Kramer:Yeah, I was partying at Liza's place last night.

Jerry:Liza Minnelli?

Kramer:No, no, just some random Liza.

Jerry:She wants me to wear baby clothes on our date. Baby clothes! I'm a grown man!

Jerry:What is she thinking? I'm going to show up in a onesie and a bonnet?

Jerry:You know, a relationship is like a casino. I go in, I'm the high roller. But after a while, she's got all my chips, and I'm standing there going, 'Can I get a comp for a room?'

Jerry:Hello? Hello, can you hear me?

Kramer:Yeah, I got it. What do you want to say?

Jerry:I want to say that this is the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Kramer:What? I can't hear you, you're breaking up.

Jerry:I'm not breaking up! You're standing three feet away from me!

Kramer:Oh, now I got it. You're saying I'm three feet away?

Jerry:Yes! Why are we doing this?!

Kramer:Because it's more fun this way!

Jerry:So you're taking the Tony to dinner?

Kramer:Yeah, I figured I'd take it to that new place on the Upper West Side.

Jerry:You're taking the Tony to dinner?

Kramer:Well, it's the least I can do. I mean, it's been very good to me.

Kramer:You know, I told this playwright, 'You gotta make it more upbeat. Nobody wants to see a guy named Willy Loman go down like that. Call it 'Life of a Salesman.' Make it positive!

Peterman:Oh, this is a timeless battle. The independent woman versus the threatened male ego. It's as old as civilization itself.

Peterman:But you know what this is? This is a classic power struggle. The woman has the upper hand, and the man cannot accept it.

Jerry:We could team up. You know, work together on this whole women thing.

George:Team up?

Jerry:Yeah, like a system. We could help each other out, give advice...

George:That sounds kind of... romantic.

Jerry:What? No, no, no...

George:Yeah, I know what you mean, but it sounds romantic.

Jerry:Well, forget it then.

George:Yeah, forget it.

Jerry:So I did the math on our dating record.

George:Oh no, what are the numbers?

Jerry:You've had 47 girlfriends and managed to keep exactly none of them past three months.

George:That's not fair! Some lasted longer than three months.

Jerry:Name one.

George:I can't think of any right now, but statistically speaking, there had to be one.

Jerry:That's not how statistics work, George.

George:It should be.

Producer:You see, Raquel has this problem with her arms when she's tap dancing. They just flail around like this.

Kramer:You know, Raquel Welch, she's a very tempestuous woman. Very volatile.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:Oh, I'm telling you, one time I cut in front of her in line at the grocery store. She chased me for three blocks with a shopping cart!

Jerry:She did not.

Kramer:I'm lucky she didn't catch me. Who knows what she would have done?

Sam:Yeah, hi Elaine, it's Sam. Look, I know you're screening your calls, so I'm just gonna say this: I'm gonna find you. I'm gonna check your apartment. I'm gonna check your office. I'm gonna check Monk's Cafe. I'm gonna check the dry cleaners. I'm gonna check the shoe repair place. I'm gonna check that little bodega on the corner. I'm gonna check the subway station. I'm gonna check the video store. I'm gonna check the bookstore. I'm gonna check the grocery store. I'm gonna check the gym. I'm gonna check the park. I'm gonna check every single place you could possibly be, Elaine. Every. Single. Place.

Elaine:Why are men so obsessed with catfights?

Jerry:It's the only time we think we have a chance.

Store Clerk:So you bought a wedding invitation here before?

George:Yeah, that didn't work out.

Kramer:Raquel, I'm going to have to let you go.

Kramer:You're just not working out. You're like a Chevy—you got no get up and go.

George:So I'm playing Frolf, right? And I'm thinking, what's the deal with Frolf?

George:It's like golf, but with a Frisbee. Who needs that? You already have golf. You already have Frisbee.

George:Now you're supposed to be excited about doing both things badly at the same time?

George:And HE'S got the perfect lie... just 40 feet from the basket...

Sports Announcer:He lines up his shot... the wind is against him... he's gonna need ALL of his concentration here...

Sports Announcer:AND... HE MAKES IT! What a shot! What a magnificent shot! The crowd goes wild!

Elaine:I'm just trying to show you how Sam walks...

Raquel Welch:Excuse me, are you mocking my dancing?

Elaine:What? No! I was just... this is how my friend walks!

Raquel Welch:It looked an awful lot like you were making fun of me.

Elaine:I wasn't! I promise!

Bystander:Finally!

Jerry:So what happened with that woman you were supposed to meet?

George:Well, we tried the whole thing you suggested. You know, the confident approach, the eye contact, the whole routine.

Jerry:And?

George:She walked away. Didn't even say anything. Just... walked away.

Jerry:Both of us working together and we still struck out.

George:Yeah, we're a real dynamic duo. The dynamic duo of failure.

Doctor:Well, Mr. Costanza, I've completed the examination. There's nothing physically wrong with you.

George:Nothing wrong? Then why can't I get up in the morning?

Doctor:You're not sick, George. You're lazy.

George:Lazy? That's a medical diagnosis?

Doctor:It's the most common condition I see. And unfortunately, there's no cure.

George:My summer... my beautiful summer...

George:I was going to have it all.

George:It was all right there in front of me.

George:And I ruined it.