Peterman Employee

George · Peterman:J. Peterman. / J. Crew.

Peterman:But not to worry. I'll tell the maître d' it'll just be the three bulls.

Peterman · Jerry:George and I will miss your company. Fong, it will just be two this evening. / Well, George... we dine.

Peterman:And there, tucked into the river's bend, was the object of my search... the Guangia River Market. Fabrics and spices traded under a starlit sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona Beret. Sizes seven and a half through eight and three quarters. Price, $35.

Peterman:It's fourth and inches and the Giants are going for it. You've gotta love sports.

Peterman:Peterman here. / What? Oh, no. All right. I'll be right there. / It's my mother. She's at death's door. I just pray to God we can make it there in time.

Peterman's Mother · Peterman · George:Bosco. / Mama? / Quiet, quiet. It's a secret. / Bosco! Bosco! / Shut up. It's a secret. / Mama, what are you trying to say? / Bosco.

Peterman:When Mama said 'Bosco'...she must have been communicating something. Her legacy. A dying wish, perhaps. Mothers say things.

Peterman:I don't believe that for a minute.

Peterman:Fortunately, I still have George here to help me through this.

Peterman · Elaine:Oh, hi, Mr. Peterman. / Do you realize how short the Kalahari Bushmen are? I'm gonna look like a giant to those guys.

Peterman · Elaine:I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium. / Opium? / That's right, Elaine. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

Peterman:The Dark Continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.

Elaine · Peterman:I'll take a pop urine test. / All right, Elaine. / Oh, thank you, Mr. Peterman. Mm-- / I'll be ready in three minutes.

Peterman · Kramer:Not on my watch! I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! / What's wrong with you? / Get your fix somewhere else! Go on, beat it!

Peterman · Elaine:I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was traveling the Yangtze in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. Oh, for God's sake.

Peterman:I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone. But a different sort of trader still lurked about. 'Just a taste,' he said. That was all it took.

Peterman:The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. / [beat] / The price? Your soul.

Peterman:Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.

Peterman · Elaine:So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you. / Oh, yes! What a load off. / So when are we going to Africa? / I'm afraid I can't take you. / What? Why not? / Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal.

Peterman · Elaine:You have the metabolism of a 68-year-old woman. / But I wanted to see the Bushmen. / Oh, and one more thing: You may have osteoporosis.

Elaine · Peterman:But I wanted to see the Bushmen. Oh, and one more thing: You may have osteoporosis.

Peterman · Bob:Mr. Peterman's pompous meeting opener: 'I'd like to begin with a hearty hail and well met, good fellow' — followed by immediately dumping all work on Bob

Peterman · Bob · Elaine:Bob's repeated 'I'm sorry, what?' / 'Could you repeat that?' hearing evasion — leading to Elaine getting stuck with the work

Peterman · Elaine:Peterman reveals he overheard Elaine's sexual harassment of Bob: 'I heard every word you said. And I know you wouldn't be just having fun with his handicap. That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal.'

Peterman · Elaine:Elaine. Hi, Mr. Peterman. You know what a huge fan I am of John F. Kennedy. I do.

Peterman:The Peace Corps gave me my start in this business. Clothing the naked natives of Bangtubesh. The Pygmy pullover.

Peterman · Elaine:Unfortunately, I will be out of town with my lady. [pause] Whatever.

Peterman:I would see no trouble in spending up to, say, $10,000. Have my secretary give you a check.

Peterman:I'll be inaugurating them this weekend with none other than Ethel Kennedy. A woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity to procreate.

Peterman · Elaine:Peterman examines the clubs and notices damage. Elaine produces 'the letter of authenticity' from the side pocket — but the clubs have clearly been used as weapons.

Peterman · Elaine:Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such a temper. Oh, yeah. The only thing worse was his slice.

Peterman · Elaine:Peterman: 'I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.' / Elaine: 'Oh, yeah. The only thing worse was his slice.'

Elaine · Peterman:Elaine pitches Peterman a washcloth after an extended Lake Victoria travelogue setup: 'It's a washcloth.' / 'No washcloths.'

Peterman:Peterman reacts to fruit during Elaine's pitch: 'No, no. No pears.' / 'No apples.' / 'Where's my pineapple?'

Peterman · Elaine:Peterman discovers 'autonomy': 'I wanna go to a tractor pull.' / 'I am staying out all night.' / 'I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple.'

Peterman · Elaine:Peterman calls Elaine to say he's 'burnt out, fried' and his 'mind is as barren as the surface of the moon' — calling from Burma

Peterman · Elaine:'I'm in Burma.' / 'Burma?' / 'You most likely know it as Myanmar. But it will always be Burma to me.'

Peterman:Peterman, still on the phone, suddenly addresses someone on a motorbike: 'You there, on the motorbike, sell me one of your melons.'

Peterman · Elaine:Here. Kneel here. / What? / Kneel. / Kneel? Okay.

Elaine · Peterman:You speak Burmese? / No, Elaine, that was gibberish.

Peterman · Elaine:So did you have any trouble finding the place? / No, you're the only white-poet-warlord in the neighborhood.

Peterman · Elaine:Are you an assassin? / I work for your mail order catalog.

Peterman:You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill.

Peterman · Elaine:This is the urban sombrero. I put it on the last catalogue cover. / The horror.

Peterman · Elaine:So effective immediately, Ms. Benes will return to her old position at her original salary and I, of course, will return to mine. / Kudos, Elaine, on a job done.

Elaine · Peterman:What about my stock options? / I think not.

Morty · Peterman · Elaine:I know a couple of Chinamen over on 43rd Street that will do it for half that. / It's Asian Americans. / What? / Who are you?

Peterman:And so I made an explosive out of chickpeas. And I stopped that great rhino right in his tracks.

Peterman · Morty:Morty. / My stories are what sell these clothes. / Cheap fabric and dim lighting: That's how you move merchandise.

Peterman · Morty:You're out. / I never knew what I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book anyway.

Elaine · Peterman:Your place isn't quite what I imagined. — Oh, it's just a place to flop.

Peterman:Oh, damn, they changed the cable stations again, just when I finally memorized them. — Two: CBS. Three: I don't know what that is. Where's my damn preview channel?

Elaine · Peterman:But that didn't happen to you. — Well, so we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman.

Elaine · Peterman:No, I really don't think you can do that. — Oh, damn, I forgot to buy plant food again.

Peterman:Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn.

Kramer · Peterman:What are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventure? Erotica? — No, Kramer, I don't think... — How much would you take for the whole lot?

Kramer · Peterman:My whole life? — Name your price, man. — $1500. — I'll give you half that. — Done.

Peterman · Kramer · Elaine:Kramer, my friend, you consider Elaine at your disposal. — Okay. Well, I... I like to work in the evenings.

Peterman:These Kramer stories are unusable. I mean, some of them aren't even stories.

Peterman · Elaine:Look, this is the list of things in his apartment. — Is my toaster oven on there?

Elaine · Peterman:Yes... I'm a writer. Make them interesting. Interesting. Of course. People love interesting writing.

Elaine · Peterman:Well, what didn't you like about the first chapter? — Well, it started out nicely. I'm returning some pants, a very identifiable problem.

Peterman · Elaine:I set off down a train tunnel. Now, that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn. — Oh, no, no, that's where it gets interesting. Don't you see? The train is bearing down on you, you dive into a side tunnel, and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers.

Peterman:It just seems so clichéd and obvious. It's not interesting writing.

Elaine · Peterman:How about if instead of diving from the train, you... I don't know. You slip and fall in some mud... and ruin your pants? — The very pants I was returning. — That's perfect irony. Elaine, that is interesting writing.

Peterman's Assistant · Peterman · Kramer:I have a Cosmo Kramer on line four. — Peterman here. — Mr. Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back.

Kramer · Peterman:No, no, no, Mr. Peterman, why don't we keep them as a reference. — Nonsense. I have Benes' wonderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. — You take back your tales, you vagabond.

Peterman:There you are, Elaine. Go forth and create. And by the way, when you get to that chapter about romantic escapades, feel free to toss yourself into the mix.

Peterman:And between you, me and the lamppost, and the desk...

Peterman · Elaine:Peggy says this Suz isn't much of a worker. / It's Susie.

Peterman:We don't have to name names or point fingers... or name names.

Peterman · Peggy · Elaine:Me and her have had our problems. She and I have had our problems. You and I and she and you. Don't you drag me into this. This is between you and her and her.

Peterman · Peggy · Elaine:And I am convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me too. / Who? / Her. / Where is she? / This is part of the problem.

Elaine · Peterman:I thought I was part of this problem. / You're a huge part of the problem.

Peterman:But I think that at its core, this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that requires a Susie-and-Elaine solution. And who better to do that than... Elaine and Susie, Susie and Elaine.

Peterman · Elaine · Peggy:Well, now that we have that cleared up, why don't the three of us have lunch? / What? / Oh, I'm coming. / I gotta go. / She is the best.

Peterman · Elaine:Elaine, where's Susie? I want her to head up our new fingerless-glove division. / I thought I was in line for that assignment.

Peterman:What can you say about a girl like Susie? [long eulogy pause — Peterman clearly has nothing but manages to go on for nearly a minute]

Peterman:And also much like me, Susie hated going to the market.

Peterman:I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie. And most of all, I will never forget that one night... working late on the catalog... just the two of us, and we surrendered to temptation. And it was pretty good.

Peterman · Kramer:But I never heard her cries for help... and now Susie is gone. / Hold on! Susie didn't commit suicide. She was murdered... by Jerry Seinfeld! / Not only that, I broke his thumbs.

Peterman · Elaine:Elaine, guess what. I've decided to form a charitable foundation in Susie's honor... and as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved. / Mr. Peterman... I'm Susie. She's me. I feel the same way.

Peterman:And that's why this foundation will meet around your schedule. Nights, weekends, every free moment you have.

Peterman:Peterman: 'I am smack-dab in the middle of a good old-fashioned catfight.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'Do you mean: [demonstrates arm not swinging]' and then exits saying 'Good day, Elaine.'

Peterman:Peterman exits singing 'Crazy for feeling so lonely' as a non-sequitur

Peterman:I'm reading the fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the year. / And done.

Peterman:Peterman reading the 'most fascinating people' article and announcing 'And done.'

Peterman · Elaine:Well, this certainly looks like a lot of words in record time. I'm very impressed with both of you. / Thank you. / Unfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent drivel.

Peterman:That noise. That infernal rattling that has plagued me these past two days, and I could not find the source. In my office, in the hallway, even in the men's room. Shame on you, Elaine.

Peterman:That reminds me of the Haitian voodoo rattle torture. / You haven't gone over to their side, have you? / No, Mr. Peterman. / Because if I hear one more rattle, just one, you're out on your can. / And if you are undead, I'll find out about that too.

Peterman · Elaine:Peterman explains the cartoon: 'That's a rather clever jab at inter-office politics, don't you think?' / Elaine: 'Uh-huh... Yeah...'

Peterman:'Cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer.'

Peterman · Elaine:The systematic breakdown of Peterman's explanations: 'A commentary on contemporary mores?' / 'A slice of life?' / 'A pun?' / 'Vorshtein?'

Peterman · Elaine:'No.' / 'Then why did you print it?' / 'I liked the kitty.'

Peterman · Elaine:'Actually, that's not bad.' / 'Well, you know — I have others.' — Peterman's response to Elaine accidentally pitching a cartoon idea

Peterman:Peterman shows Elaine her published cartoon in the New Yorker — 'Look at it. The pig wants to be taller. And what's this guy gonna say, huh? Nothin'!'

Peterman · Elaine:'Flash of lightning, Elaine. I just realized why I like this cartoon so much.' / 'Oh! Do tell, sir?' / 'It's a Ziggy!'

Peterman:'That irreverence, that wit! I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and passed it off as his own.'

Peterman:'Quick Elaine, to my archives.'

Peterman · Elaine:Peterman asking what Elaine reads in the bathroom — she says 'I don't read in the bathroom.' Peterman: 'Well, aren't you something?'

Peterman:Peterman euphemism: 'nibble on a love newton'

Peterman:Peterman: 'He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinamen's nightcap.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'And in a tiny way I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles... filled his head with pseudo-erotic tales of my own opium excursions. Plus, I gave him phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'And in a tiny way I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles... filled his head with pseudo-erotic tales of my own opium excursions. Plus, I gave him phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'Damn it, Elaine, that wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'No buts, Elaine, or I will strip you of your associate status.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'Oh, P.S...the first 24 hours are the worst. Better bring a poncho.'

Peterman:Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum. It's benign but, oh, still a bastard.

Peterman:Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum. It's benign but, oh, still a bastard.

Peterman · Elaine:Can you keep a secret? / No, sir, I can't.

Peterman:Inside that small, college-boy mini-fridge is my latest acquisition. A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937. The price? Twenty-nine thousand dollars.

Peterman:Oh, commander, isn't the wedding marvellous? / The cake? Oh, I shouldn't. I mustn't. Ah, what the hell.

Peterman:...one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathisers of the entire British royal family.

Peterman · Lubeck:All right, Lubeck, how much is she worth? / I'd say about 219. / Two hundred and nineteen thousand dollars. / Lubeck, you glorious tit-willow, you just made me a profit of $190,000. / No. $2.19. It's an Entenmann's.

Peterman · Lubeck:Do they have a castle in Windsor? / No, they have a display case at the end of the aisle.

Peterman · Elaine · Coworkers:Oh, good Lord. / You all right, Peterman? You look ill. / Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well.

Peterman:Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.

Peterman:I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books. The Entenmann's shim sham.

Peterman:Is the item still... with you?

Peterman · Elaine:Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly-ventilated English basement? / I guess I hadn't... / I have a feeling what you are about to go through is punishment enough. / Dismissed.

Peterman:Dismissed.