The Cartoon

Jerry:UNICEF? That's a scam!

George:A perfect money laundering operation - kids with orange boxes.

George:She's got big dreams.

Jerry:Yeah, but she's untalented.

Jerry:You know what I hate about being invited to these plays? No ventilation. It's like being in a shoebox with a bunch of people who paid forty dollars to sit in the dark and pretend they're interested.

Sally:Whooooo!

Kramer:You gotta dump her, Jerry. She's got a lazy eye.

Jerry:What? Kramer, you can't just say that!

Kramer:What? I'm just being honest. You know I don't like it when people waste my time.

Jerry:She can hear you!

Kramer:So what? Jerry's the one who brought it up.

George:What? She'll get over it. Susan always does.

George:You know, I think Sally really appreciated the brutal honesty. I mean, most people, they sugarcoat things, they tell you what you want to hear. But me? I told her exactly what I thought.

Jerry:George, you told her she looked like a man.

George:Well, she does!

George:You know, I'm sitting here thinking about all my dreams, all the things I wanted to accomplish in life. And you know what? I can't even remember what they were.

George:I don't get it.

Jerry:Neither do I.

George:What's so funny about it?

Jerry:I have no idea. And I'm a comedian.

George:My accountant doesn't have any pets working there.

Jerry:I can't figure out what this cartoon is.

George:Have you tried shaking it like a Magic 8-Ball?

George:Her eyes are so far apart, they're on different time zones. Her nose is so big, it has its own zip code. Her mouth is so wide, you could land a plane in there.

Jerry:George, those are just features. Everyone has eyes, a nose, and a mouth. You're describing a human being.

Elaine:Wait a minute. She looks just like Jerry.

Kramer:You got a message from Newman.

Kramer:I'm not taking that call. That's a crank call.

Jerry:I don't want to be responsible for Sally quitting. That's not fair to me. I didn't tell her to quit.

George:Well, what do you want to do?

Jerry:I want her to go down the traditional path to rock bottom. You know, first she loses her job, then she loses her apartment, then she's living in a box under the FDR Drive, then one day she looks at herself in a store window and she goes, 'You know what? I've hit rock bottom.' Then she can rebuild her life.

Kramer:You know who Jerry looks like? Lena Horne.

Kramer:They're twins! They're separated at birth! That's it! I'm telling you, they're twins!

Elaine:You know, George, maybe people are just trying to say you have similar features. It doesn't mean anything.

George:Similar features? They said I look like a serial killer!

Elaine:Well, yeah. That's what I'm saying.

George:We just got here? We've been here twenty minutes!

George:I gotta go. I'm not feeling well.

George:Yeah, it's my stomach. I think I ate some bad shrimp.

Jerry:Look, Sally, heckling is part of comedy. You can't take it personally.

Sally:But they were so mean! They kept yelling 'We like magic!'

Jerry:We like magic? That's not even a heckle, that's a statement of preference. What did you want them to say, 'We dislike your material but we're really into illusions'?

Jerry:You know, throughout history, there have been great stinkers. Marlon Brando refused his Oscar. Orson Welles never finished half his movies.

Sally:Really? That makes me feel so much better!

Elaine:I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Jerry:I think we've already hit rock bottom.

Elaine:She chose 'handsome' instead of 'beautiful' - that's a masculine descriptor.

George:So Janet said I look like you.

Jerry:What? That's ridiculous.

George:I know! I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jerry:No, of course not. I'm not gay.

George:I'm not gay either.

Jerry:I know you're not.

George:Just wanted to be clear.

Kramer:I called Janet 'a lady Jerry.'

Kramer:You see, I've made a decision to eliminate superfluous vocalization from my daily regimen.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:I'm implementing a paradigm of selective mutism to optimize my cognitive resources and minimize unnecessary phonetic output.

George:He's not talking.

Kramer:Furthermore, I've conducted a comprehensive analysis of my linguistic patterns and determined that approximately 80% of my utterances are superfluous to human functioning.

Kramer:I'm not gonna talk anymore. Studies show that we only use 10% of what we say anyway.

Kramer:You see, it's all about the mime. Non-verbal communication.

Frank:What is he doing?

Estelle:I have no idea.

Kramer:This is man-love towards she-Jerry.

Frank:That's a woman?

Estelle:Oh my God!

Elaine:Why is that funny?

New Yorker Editor:Well, it's a bit too subtle to explain. The humor operates on a gossamer thread of irony that exists in the space between what is said and what is implied.

New Yorker Editor:Well, you see, the man is a astronaut, and he's floating through space...

Elaine:That doesn't make any sense.

New Yorker Editor:Okay, okay. The man is a... a blobnoxious creature from another planet.

Elaine:That's not even a word.

New Yorker Editor:It is now.

Elaine:Why did you print this cartoon? It makes no sense!

New Yorker Editor:Well, I liked the cat.

Sally:This is my one-woman show about Jerry. I call him 'The Devil'.

Sally:So the devil Jerry would be wearing a red suit with horns, a tail, and carrying a pitchfork.

Sally:Breaks character to yell at silent Kramer

Jerry:You can't draw! You can't even draw a stick figure. What are you gonna draw, a picture of a cup? A lamp? Maybe a really ambitious bowl of fruit?

Jerry:These are terrible. What is this supposed to be?

Elaine:It's a horse.

Jerry:A horse? It looks like a blob with legs.

Elaine:Oh, that's rich coming from you. At least I don't draw Superman having relations with Wonder Woman.

Jerry:That's different.

Elaine:How is that different?

Jerry:That's art.

Jerry:You could mention my apology in your act.

Sally:Your apology? That's not funny. That's boring material.

George:I don't look like him. Why does everyone say I look like him? I don't look like him at all.

George:You know what? It doesn't matter. Even if I did look like him, so what?

Janet:You look just like Kenny Bania.

George:I do not look like Kenny Bania.

Janet:You totally look like Kenny Bania.

George:I don't look like Kenny Bania.

George · Kramer:George's reaction: 'Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!' / Kramer: 'That's the idea.'

Sally:He grabbed me right here, and he grabbed me right here!

Jerry:I never grabbed you! That was a shmootz! A shmootz!

Jerry:I was trying to get the shmootz out!

Elaine:George, you look terrible. Did you sleep at all last night?

George:I slept a little. I washed my face and tried to comb my hair, but it didn't help.

Elaine:You washed your face? That's it?

George:What do you want from me? I'm doing the best I can here.

George:The pig's complaint is wanting to be taller.

Jerry:You know what this cartoon needs? A pig character.

George:A pig? Why a pig?

Jerry:Because we could call his house a sty. You know, like a pig sty, but it's also where he lives.

George:That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Kramer:What's the deal with this cartoon? The Complaint Department guy, he's always complaining about everything. It's like, make a decision! Either complain or don't complain, but don't spend the whole cartoon waffling about it.

Newman:You know, George, I have some notes. I think the guy should complain more.

George:Complain more? He complains plenty.

Newman:No, no. People love to see someone really angry. Really bitter.

George:So what, I make him angrier?

Newman:Yeah, and maybe he could have some sort of breakdown. You know, where he just snaps.

George:A breakdown?

Newman:Yeah, like he goes to his office and just destroys the place. Files everywhere, screaming.

George:That's good.

Newman:And then maybe... he barricades himself in there with a gun.

George:I don't know about that.

Newman:People eat that stuff up!

Jerry's Lawyer:I need to speak with Sally about the incident.

Sally:I'm not talking to any lawyer. This is ridiculous.

Jerry:A cable special? What is she, a home shopping network?

Jerry:I've been doing stand-up for years and I can't get a cable special, but Sally curses on TV once and she gets her own show?

Jerry:That's not talent, that's just... that's just bad language!

Peterman:A pig who wants to be taller... This is a man who wants to be rectified.

Peterman:This is the same style as Ziggy!

Peterman:George, you stole this from Ziggy!

George:I did not steal from Ziggy!

George:I don't understand. We have a good time together, we laugh, we enjoy each other's company. Why does it have to be physical? Why can't we just... exist in each other's presence? I mean, what is physical attraction anyway? It's just chemicals, right? Pheromones. I could be allergic to her pheromones. That's not my fault. And intellectually, we connect. We really do. So what if there's no spark? Spark is overrated. Fire is dangerous. It burns things down. Maybe what we have is better. Maybe we have ice. Cold, solid ice. That lasts forever.

George:You know, Janet, I think we really have something special here. This gum, it's bringing us together.

Janet:I know what you mean, George. I feel it too.

George:I've never experienced this kind of connection with another person over a piece of gum before.

George:Wait... wait a minute. Oh no. Oh no no no.

Janet:What? What's wrong?

George:The gum. It's losing its flavor. Janet, I'm having a complete mental breakdown. I can't... I can't function like this.

Sally:I've been thinking about my life, you know? And I realized that everything that's happened to me has led me to this exact moment. Like, the universe was guiding me...

Kramer:Shut up!

Jerry:You plagiarized? You stole my material?

Elaine:I didn't steal it, it was unconscious. I must have absorbed it from Puddy's bedsheets.

Jerry:From his bedsheets?

Elaine:Yeah, he has that thing printed all over them. I was sleeping on them, it seeped into my brain.

Jerry:Look at this. Ziggy's doing my material now.

Jerry:He's got a whole strip about a guy who doesn't like eating cereal in the morning because it makes his milk taste funny.

Sally:You know what your problem is? You date women who look like you. It's narcissistic. You're in love with yourself, literally.

Jerry:So what happened with Janet?

George:Well, you know... it just didn't work out.

Jerry:Why not?

George:I don't know, I just... I couldn't get past the hair.

Jerry:The hair?

George:Yeah, it was too short. Too boyish.

Jerry:So you broke up with her because of her haircut?

George:I didn't break up with her because of her haircut. I broke up with her because I couldn't overlook it anymore.

George:We mutually agreed never to discuss it.

Jerry:You mutually agreed? George, you broke up with her because she sneezed at the coffee shop.

George:So? It was a very aggressive sneeze.

Sally:Sally describes her show to Jerry: she 'workshopped' his apology into the script. The result: 'Snoozers!'

Sally:Sally's edit offer: 'I'll tinker. It's all a journey.'

Jerry:'You got a little shmootz there.' — The shmootz incident begins

Sally · Fan:A fan has seen Sally's show six times

taxi driver (implied):Where to?

George:George's cab monologue: 'That I could have everything I have with Jerry, but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her. And somehow, that would be exactly what I always wanted.'

Janet · George:'You know I really do look a lot like your friend Jerry.' / 'I know.'

Sally:Sally's TV version of events: 'He says, "Hey, stop doing your show!"' ... 'Okay, Shmootsie.' / 'And he starts pulling at my sweater'

Jerry:'There really was shmootz! I didn't try and grab her!'

Sally:Sally's impression of Jerry eating

Jerry:'Get out of my house!' — Jerry yelling at the TV

Jerry:There really was shmootz! I didn't try and grab her!

Elaine:'I stayed up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon.' / 'A pig at a complaint department saying "I wish I was taller"'

Elaine · Kramer:'See? That's his complaint. / I get it. / Do you? / Because that's not a normal complaint.'

Kramer:Kramer's suggested alternate caption: 'I can't find my receipt. My place is a sty.'

Elaine · Jerry:'Everything with you has to be so jokey.' / 'I'm a comedian.'

Kramer:'"I wish I was taller", that's — nice. That's real.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer asks if the pig's new caption is 'My wife is a slut?' / 'Now that's a complaint.'

Sally:Sally's cable TV response to Jerry's cease-and-desist: '---- you!'

Jerry:'And how did she get a cable special? I've never gotten a cable special!'

Peterman:Peterman shows Elaine her published cartoon in the New Yorker — 'Look at it. The pig wants to be taller. And what's this guy gonna say, huh? Nothin'!'

Peterman · Elaine:'Flash of lightning, Elaine. I just realized why I like this cartoon so much.' / 'Oh! Do tell, sir?' / 'It's a Ziggy!'

Peterman:'That irreverence, that wit! I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and passed it off as his own.'

Peterman:'Quick Elaine, to my archives.'

George · Janet:George and Janet's 'relationship content' conversation: gum breath and familiarity

Janet:Well, you told me how familiar I looked, and that you must have seen me somewhere before.

Janet · George:'I have gum in my hair.' / 'I'm losin' it.'

Sally · Kramer:But who am I anyway? I mean there's Sally Weaver the woman, Sally Weaver the artist, Sally Weaver the person... / No, you gotta shut up!

Kramer · Sally:'I'm sorry, I — I haven't spoken in days.' / 'Well, lay it on me, string bean.'

Janet:'Let me get this gum out of my hair, and then I'll be ready for bed.'

George:George's breaking point: 'OK, look, the gum isn't cutting it for me. We need to be about something else. Anything. Please.'

Janet · George:Janet's haircut — 'I had to cut the gum out, and I had a little trouble getting it even.' — she now looks exactly like Jerry

Kramer · George · Janet:Janet tells George to get undressed. Kramer, entering: 'George is in big trouble!'

Kramer:'George is in big trouble!' — reaction to seeing Janet's haircut

Jerry · Elaine:'You ripped off a Ziggy?' / 'It must've seeped into my subconscious. Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets.'

George:Ziggy in the comics: 'I see Ziggy's back at the complaint department. "The New Yorker's stealing my ideas."'

Kramer:'See that's funny. 'Cause it's real.' — Kramer on the Ziggy strip

Sally:Sally on cable: 'I heard he makes his best friend date women who look just like him.'

Sally:'Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone?' — Sally outing Jerry's manicure

Sally:Oh, and speaking of issues. Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone?

Jerry · Kramer:'I thought you stopped talking?' / 'All right. Starting-- now.'

Jerry · George:George and Jerry's fragmented conversation about the breakup with Janet: 'You broke up with her just because she cut her hair? How short? / Like that. / You mean like... / ...that. / So she... / Yes. / And you don't... / No. / So... / Exactly.'

Jerry · George:'Hey, you want to go see a movie?' / 'Actually, I think I'm gonna take a few days off.' / 'I think that's for the best.'