The Strong Box

George:I think we should see other people.

Maura:No.

George:So she just... rejected the breakup?

George:What am I supposed to do now?

George:I can't break up with her if she won't let me break up with her!

Jerry:A breakup doesn't require mutual consent. It's not like a nuclear submarine where both captains have to agree to launch the missiles.

George:And another thing - she talks to her food. In baby talk! 'Oh, look at the little broccoli, so green and delicious.' It's a vegetable, Maura, not a pet!

George:So I'm in bed with this woman, and—

Jerry:Well, that's all the time we have! We'll be right back!

Kramer:These cufflinks, they're going to help me connect with Jerry Lewis.

Jerry:You know, we do have the same first name.

Jerry:Yeah, that's right. We have the same name. That's gotta mean something.

Kramer:I know! It's like we're connected or something.

Kramer:The Peppard strategy worked, Jerry.

Jerry:Kramer, George Peppard is dead.

Kramer:George Peppard is dead? Well, that's too bad. But you know your A-Team!

Jerry:With lethal injection, I'm thinking a nice light lunch. Maybe a salad.

Elaine:So what can you tell me about yourself?

Mystery Man:Well, I'm a pretty nice guy.

Elaine:Oh, that's great!

Elaine:Why won't he tell me anything about himself? It's like he's hiding something.

Jerry:Maybe he's a superhero.

Elaine:A superhero?

Jerry:Sure. They can't reveal their secret identity. It's the whole thing with superheroes.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry: 'Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity. Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern.'

Elaine:Green Lantern? Please. The outfit is terrible. I don't care how powerful the ring is—nobody's going out in public looking like that.

Jerry:You were in the Army?

Kramer:Yeah, for a little while.

Jerry:What do you mean 'a little while'?

Kramer:Well, I was in the Army... for like a week.

Jerry:What do you mean 'literally'? You mean figuratively. If someone found the key, they would figuratively hold the key to your possessions. 'Literally' means actually.

Jerry:So how long were you in the Army?

Kramer:I can't talk about that.

Jerry:What do you mean you can't talk about it?

Kramer:It's classified.

Jerry:So where'd you hide the key?

Kramer:I'm not telling you, Jerry. It's hidden where no one would ever think to look.

Jerry:Oh come on, just tell me.

Kramer:No way. It's the perfect hiding spot.

Jerry:Alright, fine. I'll find it myself.

Jerry:Is it under the mat?

Kramer:What? No!

Jerry:It's under the mat, isn't it?

Kramer:How did you—

Maura:You can't just break up with me like this. It's like... it's like dropping a nuclear bomb on a country without warning.

Jerry:That's not how nuclear bombs work.

Maura:Well, you know what I mean. It's devastating.

Jerry:Yeah, but you don't just drop them on a country. There's... there's diplomacy involved.

Maura:So what are you saying? You want to negotiate the terms of our breakup?

George:Look, we need to talk about this relationship. It's like a military situation - we need to... we need to call a retreat here.

George:I'm saying we should end this before things escalate. Before we go nuclear!

George:Please, just listen to me. We can still negotiate. We don't have to destroy each other completely!

Elaine:Oh my God! He's with another woman!

Elaine:I can't believe this. I thought he was different.

Elaine:You know what? Forget it.

Elaine:These flowers are going in the trash.

Jerry:You won't catch it.

Elaine:I know.

Jerry:I can't eat a big meal before sleep anymore. My body just shuts down.

Jerry:I was hanging out the window the other night, and I just... fell asleep. Standing up. Just nodded off.

Jerry:Here, catch this!

Elaine:What are you doing?

Jerry:I'm trying to help!

Elaine:You just threw it down my shirt!

Jerry:Kramer, why would you hide your key here? Anyone could find it.

Kramer:It's a good spot!

Jerry:It's under the mat! It's the first place people look.

Kramer:Well apparently you're obsessed with me now. You found my key, you know where I live, you're probably going through my stuff right now.

Jerry:I'm not obsessed with you!

Kramer:Then why do you keep coming over here?

Elaine:I just smiled at the doorman and he let me right in.

Jerry:I'm telling you, the guy had to be a superhero. Did you see how fast he ran? Normal people don't move like that.

Kramer:You know, this is like an Easter egg hunt! You're going around, looking for my key like it's some kind of prize!

Phil:I live in the building, I just forgot my key.

Jerry:Well, that's a terrific story, and I'm sure it's all true, but I can't just let someone into the building.

George:I'm telling you, there's no such thing as ginger ale. They just take regular ale and they throw in a couple of fake gingers.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:It's a conspiracy! I've been drinking this stuff my whole life, and I've never tasted any ginger in it!

Jerry:George, ginger ale has ginger in it.

George:Oh, so you've tasted it? You know what real ginger tastes like?

Jerry:No, but—

George:Exactly! Nobody knows! That's how they get away with it. They're making millions off fake ginger ale, and nobody can prove it!

George:We're not together anymore, Maura. It's over.

Maura:I don't accept that.

George:Well, you have to accept it. A breakup is not a unilateral thing. It requires... it requires both parties.

Maura:I'm not accepting it.

George:You can't just not accept it! How am I supposed to break up with you if you won't cooperate? I'm doing all the work here!

Maura:Listen here, Apple. I know you think you're perfect with that shiny red skin, but I can see that little brown spot on your side. You're not fooling anyone.

Elaine:Wait, wait, wait. Stop.

Elaine:I just realized something. You're a Republican.

Glenn:Yes, so?

Elaine:I can't do this. I can't be with a Republican.

Elaine:I'm so sorry. I didn't know Glenn was married.

Welfare Worker:Married? Glenn's not married. He's on welfare.

Elaine:Oh.

Elaine:Wait... you're a welfare caseworker?

Welfare Worker:Yes.

Elaine:So you... help people... get welfare.

Welfare Worker:That's right.

Elaine:Oh my God. I've been complaining to a welfare caseworker about how hard it is to get welfare.

Jerry:So Glenn's having money problems?

Jerry:What, he can't afford the good cereal anymore? He's eating the stuff that comes in the bag?

Jerry:What's next, he's going to be living in a cardboard box? Riding the rails? Eating beans out of a tin can?

Jerry:Pretty soon he'll be selling apples on the corner, wearing a barrel for pants, looking for work with a bindle on a stick!

Jerry:So Glenn wears a poverty barrel?

Jerry:I destroyed it for fuel.

Jerry:You gotta break up with him. He's a loser.

Elaine:I can't just break up with him like that.

Jerry:Why not? He's got no job, no prospects... You know what? From now on, I'm calling him Boxcar Glenn.

Elaine:We paid him to go to the bathroom somewhere else.

George:We're filing for a dissolution of the relationship.

George:You know what? Poverty is actually a superpower. You can't lose what you don't have.

George:I'm not poor, I'm just... Green Lantern. My power ring only works when I'm broke.

Jerry:You know, with Superman's financial situation, no wonder Lois Lane is always asking for loans. I guess you could say she's really trying to get into his... Kryptonian bank account. But seriously, the way things are going, she might have to change her name to Lois Debt.

George:That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

George:Well, she had a very uneven tan. She was dark in the summer, but come November, December, she was pale and washed out. I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?

Jerry:He's got a superhero power - he can bounce checks faster than a speeding bullet!

Kramer:Well, I couldn't tell Phil I was hiding a key there. If I told him, then it wouldn't be hidden.

Jerry:That's not the point, Kramer.

Kramer:You're too compulsive. You'd go over there and dig it up the first day.

George:We don't have to wait. I'm ready now.

Secretary:No, I think we should take our time. Get to know each other better.

George:But that's the thing — I'm not good at the getting to know each other part. I'm only good at the sex part. So if we skip ahead, you'll think I'm great!

Elaine:You know what? I'm done. Here's a check. We're through.

Glenn:What? Why? These are rare donuts!

Elaine:They're from the garbage, Glenn. The garbage!

George:You know, I've been thinking about what you said about those garbage donuts. And I realize... you're right. They're not garbage. They're treasures. Just like you.

Glenn:Are you... are you saying what I think you're saying?

George:I'm saying that in this world, we're all just discarded donuts waiting to be appreciated by the right person.

Jerry:So your maid is very efficient.

Phil:That's my wife.

Jerry:Oh! I'm sorry, I just assumed...

Jerry:Where are my cufflinks? I need them for tonight!

Kramer:Oh, those. Yeah, I took the liberty of protecting them for you.

Jerry:Protecting them? What do you mean protecting them?

Kramer:Well, I coated them in a special shellac. Kept them in a safe place. You're welcome.

Jerry:Kramer, I needed those cufflinks an hour ago!

Kramer:They're perfectly safe. Trust me.

Jerry:A funeral? For a bird? What did you do, rent the church?

Fredo:We had a service, we said some words...

Jerry:Words? What words? 'Here lies Tweety, he was a bird'?

Kramer:Yeah, I gave him some of my special coffee this morning. What are the odds?

Kramer:I didn't kill the bird! The bird killed itself!

Kramer:It ate the poisonous key!

George:So I'm sitting there in the audience, right? And Jesus comes out on stage. I'm thinking, 'Okay, let's see what you got.' But the guy's terrible! Absolutely terrible! He can't project, he's got no stage presence, and don't even get me started on his blocking. I mean, the man's supposed to be the Son of God and he can't even hit his mark!

George:And another thing - the robes! The robes are all wrong. They're bunching up in the back. If you're going to do a show about Jesus, at least get the wardrobe department to steam the robes.

George:I'm telling you, this guy's not getting cast in anything after this. Maybe community theater in New Jersey, but that's it.

Maura:George, we've been through worse. Remember when you forgot my birthday? We got past that.

George:That's not the same thing.

Maura:Look, every relationship has its ups and downs. This is just a down. We can work through it.

Glenn's wife:Who is she?

Elaine:I'm a low-talker.

Kramer:You know, I never realized how many celebrity pets are buried here.

Jerry:Kramer, we're committing a felony. Can we focus?

Kramer:I'm just saying, look—Marlon Brando's parrot. Frank Sinatra's horse. This place is like the Mount Rushmore of dead animals.

Jerry:We need to get in and get out.

Kramer:Wait, is that—? Oh man, Cher's dog is right over there.

Jerry:I got the bird. We're gonna do an autopsy.

Elaine:I'll give you a hundred dollars to break up with me.

Glenn:A hundred? Make it two hundred.

Elaine:Two hundred? Fine. Two hundred.

Glenn:Actually, you know what? Three hundred. And I want it in cash.

Kramer:The strongbox was unlocked the entire time

Jerry:So we dug up a dog for nothing.

Jerry · George:Jerry's summary: 'So you're in a relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair with a woman that won't have sex. This isn't going well.'

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'So you're in a relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair with a woman that won't have sex.' George: 'This isn't going well.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without them, I have no in.' Jerry: 'You don't need the cufflinks. You have the same name.'

Jerry · George:Jerry is juggling two women: 'Ice-skating with one and going to a staged reading of Godspell with the other.' George: 'Which is with who?' Jerry: 'It doesn't matter.'

George:George: 'I knew you would lose them. That's why I took them out of your drawer and put them in my strongbox.'

Phil · Kramer:Phil answers the door: 'Fredo is dead.' Kramer: 'That strange Portuguese guy that lives next to the incinerator?' Phil: 'No, my bird.'

Phil · Kramer · Jerry:Phil: 'They told us he was poisoned. Something in his food.' Kramer: 'But I didn't—' Phil reveals to Jerry: 'They think I killed Fredo.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'And who buries a bird? Yeah, just give it to the Portuguese guy and he puts it in the incinerator.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'I hid the key in Fredo's food dish.' / Jerry: 'You killed Fredo.' / Kramer: 'Fredo was weak and stupid. He shouldn't have eaten that key.'

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer: 'What are we gonna do?' Jerry: 'You just answered your own question.' [Re: cutting open the bird] Kramer: 'Oh, no.' Jerry: 'I'll get the shovel.'

Jerry:Jerry's date review at the staged Godspell reading: 'The actor that played Jesus made some odd choices.' [Long pause] 'I had fun ice-skating.'

George · Maura · Loretta:George's double-date disaster: 'George.' / 'Maura.' / 'Oh my God, what are you doing here?' / 'You told me to meet you here.' George: 'I'm caught in my own web of lies.'

George:George: 'My serious girlfriend and my torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined three lives.'

Maura · Loretta · George:Maura: 'What we have is too important. We can work through this.' Loretta: 'So can we.' George: 'What?' / 'So this is still not over?' George looks at them: 'No.' / 'You?' / 'No.'

Elaine · Glenn:Elaine arrives at Glenn's with a TV and stereo as gifts: 'I got you a cord of wood so you won't have to burn them.'

Alison · Elaine · Glenn:Glenn's wife Alison arrives home early. Elaine: 'Who is this?' Glenn's response is silence. Wife: 'His wife.'

Elaine · Glenn · Alison:Elaine: 'You're poor and married.' Glenn: 'Looks like it.' Wife: 'Who the hell are you?' Elaine: 'I guess I'm Lois Loan.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'I can't believe we're grave robbers.' Jerry: '"Man's best friend."' Kramer: 'Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Listen, I heard that Lassie number three's buried here. I'm gonna go check it out.' — while in the middle of grave robbery

Jerry:Jerry, having dug up Fredo: 'All right, honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace.' / 'Hey, Kramer. I dug Fredo out. Now let's cut him open.'

Phil · Jerry · Kramer:Phil appears at the cemetery as Jerry and Kramer finish digging: 'Hey, neighbor.'

Kramer · George:Kramer's solution to both women: 'I'm gonna try giving them $55 each.' / Woman's response: 'Give me 40. You'll never see me again.'

Glenn:Glenn: 'I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building.' — his plan after presumably being locked out of his own building

Kramer · Jerry:The strongbox was unlocked the entire time — 'I guess I forgot to lock it.' / Jerry: 'You mean, it was open?' / Kramer: 'We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing?'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry asks 'So what's in the cooler?' — Kramer reveals the strongbox was never locked to begin with

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer: 'Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry?' Jerry's silent, withering stare — reaction beat