If the Internet Were Real

Dave Chappelle:Thank you, bitches. (laughing) Just kidding.

Dave Chappelle:Okay, okay, that's all he's says in the whole song, nigga. Okay! What! Yeah! That's all he ever says in any song.

Dave Chappelle:I always think he's gonna rhyme, but he, he act like somebody's about to rhyme but just never get around to it. Okay!

Airport Security · Lil' Jon:Airport security repeatedly asking Lil' Jon the same question about bag possession, him responding 'What?!' each time

Lil' Jon:Uh, pardon me, madame, will this be reflected upon my frequent flyer miles?

Dave Chappelle:Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. Makes love to his wife and gets up... skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. Sorry about that.

Dave Chappelle:White people don't know what it means yet. When they figure it out, they're gonna be like, 'my God, what have we done!'

Penis Pill Guy:Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy... Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy.

Penis Pill Guy:Wanna increase the size of your penis? Up to four inches in a month, bro! And fat too!

Fake Doctor · Dave:Hey, brother, I'm a doctor. You're a doctor? Fuckin' right, I'm a doctor.

Multiple voices:Chaotic beeping sounds representing multiple popups/downloads happening

Ron · Dave:So, you wanna see me have sex? No, I'm cool. You wanna see Paris Hilton have sex with her boyfriend? Yes, I would.

Dave:I don't know if that was her, man. It was a little grainy... that night vision you can't really tell. I got to see that one more time, man.

Ron · Dave:You sure you don't wanna see me have sex? Yeah, I'm absolutely sure, man. I do a great doggie-style.

Dave:Thank you, Obi-Wan, I'm done with the porn.

Fetish Person · Dave:Um, you into goat play? What is goat play? Lizzy.

Popup Advertisers:Debt consolidation! Gambling! Debt consolidation! Gambling!

Debra · Dave:Seriously, bro, I can make your penis fat and harder for longer. What the fuck! You tricked me!

Spam Buster:Spam busters, bitch!

Theresa Roddy · Lil' Jon:Now I'm going to, ah, change the subject a little, if that's all right with you? What?! I would like to change the subject. What?! Change the subject. What?! I'm gonna change the subject, if that's all right with you. Okay!

Theresa Roddy · Lil' Jon:Now I'm going to, ah, change the subject a little, if that's all right with you? What?!

Lil' Jon:Lil' Jon gives eloquent, heartfelt response about police brutality and social constraints on black youth

Lil' Jon:And I, madame, through my music, we'll make sure that all black youth realize the truth, because, to me, that is an act... of love.

Theresa Roddy · Lil' Jon:That must've been very painful for you. Yeah, yeah! Thank you, Lil' Jon. What?!

Theresa Roddy · Lil' Jon:Do you smoke reefer? Yes, do you have a little time. Yeah, yeah! Can we? Just for the cameras.

Darius · Chris:What did you say, man? Good seeing ya. 'Good seeing ya.' I don't play that shit. That's my girl, nigga! I keep it real!

Narrator:What Darius didn't know is that Chris was a tenth degree black belt who started trouble just so he could practice his karate in street-fighting scenarios.

Tenecia:All his talk about 'keeping it real' was getting on my last nerves. I savored that ass-whooping.

Narrator:That night they had sex three times.

Grandmother:I want his goddamn ass out of my house so I can get my swerve on too. Shit.

Grandmother:Well, hurry the hell up and finish yourself off, Darius. Unlike you, I'm gettin' a little action tonight, you punk-bitch.

Grandmother · Grandmother's Date:Take a walk. Yeah, get some rubbers. And get the big ones. Fuckin' right.

Dave Chappelle:Skeet, skeet, skeet, I'm out.

Dave Chappelle:My mother, my mother knew this. Time out.