If the Internet Were Real

Dave Chappelle:Thank you, bitches. Just kidding.

Dave Chappelle:Chappelle riffs on Lil' Jon's music: 'Okay! What! Yeah! That's all he ever says in any song.'

Dave Chappelle:I always think he's gonna rhyme, but he acts like somebody's about to rhyme but just never gets around to it.

Lil' Jon (impersonator) · Airport Agent:The airport check-in sketch: Lil' Jon cannot process 'have these bags been in your possession the whole time?' — repeats 'What?!' four times until the agent gives up and tries a different phrasing

Lil' Jon (impersonator):Lil' Jon asks in perfect complete English: 'Pardon me, madame, will this be reflected upon my frequent flyer miles?'

Airport Agent · Lil' Jon (impersonator):'Have a nice flight.' / 'What?!' / 'Have a nice flight.' / 'Okay!'

Lil' Jon:Lil' Jon himself appears on screen — 'Yeah!' — apparently present at the taping

Dave Chappelle:'Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. Makes love to his wife and gets up... skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. Sorry about that.'

Dave Chappelle:The 'skeet' meta-commentary: 'White people don't know what it means yet. When they figure it out, they're gonna be like, my God, what have we done!'

Spam Guy · Dave Chappelle:The spam character runs up to Dave shouting 'Buddy buddy buddy buddy buddy buddy!'

Spam Guy · Dave Chappelle · Doctor:The penis enlargement pitch escalates: 'Up to four inches in a month, bro! And fat too!' / 'No, man, I'm cool.' / 'It's all natural dude, my friend's a doctor.' / 'Hey, brother, I'm a doctor.' / 'You're a doctor?' / 'Fuckin' right, I'm a doctor. I use it myself.'

Ron · Dave Chappelle:'Hey, Ron. So, you wanna see me have sex?' / 'No, I'm cool.' / 'You wanna see Paris Hilton have sex with her boyfriend?' / 'Yes, I would.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave watches the Paris Hilton tape, exits, says 'I got to see that one more time' and immediately goes back in

Dave Chappelle · Ron:Dave watches the tape, claims he can't tell if it's her because of the night vision, asks to watch it again, then hands Ron his stuff and goes back in alone

Dave Chappelle:'That was her all right. She played herself.'

Ron · Dave Chappelle:Ron persists: 'You sure you don't wanna see me have sex?' / 'Yeah, I'm absolutely sure, man.' / 'I do a great doggie-style.' / 'I know, Ron!'

Ron · Dave Chappelle:'Okay, I got my stroke from you.' / 'Thank you, Obi-Wan, I'm done with the porn.'

Dave Chappelle · Ron:Dave discovers not just Halle Berry from Swordfish but also 'the girl from Price Is Right'

Dave Chappelle · Ron:Ron offers 'Halle Berry naked from Swordfish' and Dave immediately accepts without hesitation

Internet Guy · Dave Chappelle:Dave is asked: 'You into goat play?' / 'What is goat play?' / [goats bleating] / 'Oh oh man, all right, come on, let's just hurry up'

Dave Chappelle · Debt Consolidation Pop-up · Gambling Pop-up:Pop-up characters screaming 'Debt consolidation!' and 'Gambling!' alternating at Dave, who shouts 'Enough!' and 'Dicks!'

Debra · Dave Chappelle:Debra approaches Dave warmly, compliments him, lures him close — then reveals she's a penis enlargement spam account

Dave Chappelle:'You tricked me! This place is sick. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, you heathens!'

Dave Chappelle · Pop-up People:Dave produces a 'Spam Busters, bitch!' device that destroys the pop-up people

Lil' Jon (impersonator) · Theresa Roddy (interviewer):Second Lil' Jon sketch — formal interview segment. He gives a deeply articulate, moving speech about racial discrimination and transcending social constraints through music.

Theresa Roddy · Lil' Jon (impersonator):After the moving speech, interviewer says 'That must've been very painful for you.' Lil' Jon: 'Yeah, yeah!' — then immediately 'Thank you, Lil' Jon.' / 'What?!'

Lil' Jon (impression) · Reporter:Extended 'Thank you / What?!' exchange as the reporter tries to conclude the interview — Lil' Jon cycles through all his verbal tics

Theresa Roddy · Lil' Jon (impersonator):Lil' Jon invites the interviewer to smoke weed: 'Do you smoke reefer? Yes, do you have a little time.' / 'Yeah, yeah!' / 'Can we? Just for the cameras.'

Dave Chappelle:Chappelle introduces 'When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong' but initially mispronounces it: 'When Keeping It TEAL Goes Wrong'

Narrator:The 'Keeping It Real' sketch setup narration: 'Darius was almost certain the night would end with sex. But as they were leaving, confrontation reared its ugly head.'

Darius · Chris:Darius hears 'Good seeing ya' to his girlfriend and responds by escalating to 'I don't play that shit. That's my girl, nigga! I keep it real!'

Narrator:Narrator reveals: 'What Darius didn't know is that Chris was a tenth degree black belt who started trouble just so he could practice his karate in street-fighting scenarios.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'What ensued was one of the most spectacular ass-whoopings ever witnessed in the Atlantic northeast.'

Narrator:Narrator reveals consequences: 'Darius lost four of his teeth, fractured his arm, spine, and pelvis; and then Tenecia got involved.'

Tenecia:Tenecia's testimonial: 'All his talk about keeping it real was getting on my last nerves. I savored that ass-whooping.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'That night they had sex three times.' — Chris and Tenecia

Grandmom:Darius is forced to move in with grandmom. Grandmom's testimonial: 'This knucklehead talking about keeping it real. I'm gonna keep it real. I want his goddamn ass out of my house so I can get my swerve on too. Shit.'

Grandma:Grandma's confessional: 'This knucklehead talkin' about keeping it real. I'm gonna keep it real. I want his goddamn ass out of my house so I can get my swerve on too.'

Darius · Grandmom:Darius is forced to witness things 'no man should ever have to see' — grandmom's bedroom activities. 'Granny, don't!' / 'Well, hurry the hell up and finish yourself off, Darius. Unlike you, I'm getting a little action tonight, you punk-bitch.'

Grandma · Darius James:Grandma walks in on Darius — 'Granny, don't!' — and responds: 'Well, hurry the hell up and finish yourself off, Darius. Unlike you, I'm gettin' a little action tonight, you punk-bitch.'

Grandmom's Man · Darius:Further humiliation: Darius witnesses grandmom's sex partner telling him to 'take a walk, get some rubbers — and get the big ones.'

Narrator:Final narrator button: 'From most assuredly having sex with his girl to getting beat up and moving back in with his family... Darius James showed us what can happen when Keeping It Real goes wrong.'

Dave Chappelle:Chappelle's closing sign-off: 'I'd like to thank each and every one of you for being here tonight... I'm Dave Chappelle. I'll see you next week. Skeet, skeet, skeet, I'm out.'

Dave Chappelle:Post-credits tag: 'I'm rich, biatch!' with horn honking

Dave Chappelle · Stage Manager:Blooper: 'Where did I put my glasses at?' / Stage manager: 'On top of your head, Dave.' / Crew laughs

Lil' Jon (impersonator):Mid-credits Lil' Jon callback: 'Here come my Oscar shot.' — delivered in full eloquent voice before cutting out