The Wizard

Jerry:You ever notice how whenever they do a news story about China, they always make it sound like the most exciting thing that's ever happened? 'We go live now to China...' Like something amazing is definitely about to happen. It's China! But it's just some guy selling noodles or something.

Jerry:My father, he doesn't care about the gift. He cares about the deal. He'd rather get a bad gift on sale than a good gift full price.

Jerry:My father, he loves a good deal. But not just any deal—he loves a deal that might be stolen.

Frank:What are you talking about? I don't know it's stolen!

Jerry:Dad, you bought a VCR from a guy in a parking lot at midnight.

Frank:He said it fell off a truck!

Jerry:It did fall off a truck. A truck that was being driven away from an electronics store.

George:I mean, I'm not proud of it. Susan and I, we had our issues. But at the end of the day, I did kill her.

George:I feel terrible about what happened.

Jerry:You should. You're the one who did it.

Jerry:You picked the poison envelopes!

George:I didn't pick them on purpose!

Elaine:What do you think?

Jerry:I think Darryl is black.

Jerry:Wait, what race is Darryl?

George:I don't know. I never asked him.

Elaine:How do you not know?

George:It never came up! We just talk about stuff.

Jerry:You've known him for years.

George:So? I don't know Kramer's middle name either.

Elaine:That's different.

George:Is it though?

Jerry:We should just ask him.

George:No! Now it's too late. If I ask now, it seems like I've been wondering the whole time.

Elaine:You have been wondering the whole time.

George:But he doesn't know that!

George:So what do you think? What is he?

Jerry:Irish.

George:Irish? What are you talking about?

Jerry:He looks Irish to me.

George:So what's the story with this Poppie character? What ethnicity is he?

Jerry:Oh, he's obviously Italian.

Elaine:Jerry, his name is Poppie. That doesn't sound Italian.

Jerry:Are you kidding? Poppie? That's as Italian as it gets!

George:I think he's actually Greek.

Jerry:Greek? No way. No, that's definitely an Italian name. I'm telling you.

Jerry:You know what the problem is? You can't even talk about race anymore.

George:That's true. You say one thing and suddenly you're a racist.

Jerry:So you have to do these mental gymnastics to avoid saying anything offensive.

George:Right, right. Like, 'Some of my best friends are...' No, that makes it worse!

Jerry:Exactly! The disclaimer makes you sound MORE racist.

George:The more you qualify it, the guiltier you look.

George:Mrs. Ross! It's George Costanza. We met at Monk's Coffee Shop.

Mrs. Ross:I'm sorry, who?

George:I was engaged to her. We were getting married. And now I'm 'Susan's friend'? I'm not even a person anymore. I'm a descriptor.

Jerry:How can you afford a fake Rolex?

George:Well, that's the beauty of it. If I buy a real Rolex, I'm out five thousand dollars. But if I buy a fake Rolex, I'm only out fifty bucks. So I'm actually ahead!

Kramer:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!

Jerry:So it's a coffee table book about coffee tables?

Kramer:Yeah.

Jerry:What do you put on top of the coffee table book about coffee tables?

Kramer:Another coffee table!

Kramer:You know, I could make a movie out of this photo book.

Jerry:How would you do that?

Kramer:Well, I'd get a script writer, I'd get a director, change a few things here and there. I mean, the idea is good, but it needs work. It's not quite right for the screen.

Jerry:What would you change?

Kramer:Well, I'd make it about aliens invading Earth. You know, like Independence Day.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I'm not working anymore. I'm done.

Jerry:Kramer, you don't work anyway.

Jerry:What do you do?

Kramer:It's not gold.

Jerry:I go to their door, I'm pounding on it like a madman. Nothing. So I yell through the door, 'Hey! Turn it down!' And you know what happens? The music gets LOUDER. It's like they didn't hear me, or they heard me and decided that was the cue to crank it up to eleven.

Jerry:So now I'm standing in the hallway, doing this little dance, getting more and more agitated. I'm like, 'This is MY building too! I have RIGHTS!' But the thing is, I don't. I have no rights. I'm just a guy in the hallway looking like an idiot.

Darryl:I'm from South Africa.

Jerry:Oh, South Africa. That's great. How long have you been here?

Darryl:About five years.

Jerry:And you like it?

Darryl:It's very different. But I like it fine.

Jerry:Yeah, well, you know, South Africa... it's a beautiful country. I've heard wonderful things about it.

Darryl:Yes, it is. Very beautiful.

Jerry:Yeah, and, uh... well, you know, the whole apartheid thing... that's all behind you now, right?

Darryl:Yes, thankfully.

Jerry:That's good. That's good. You know, I'm glad we could get past all that.

Darryl:You know, it's like apartheid.

Elaine:...Right. Apartheid. Sure.

Elaine:So you sell hot dogs?

Vendor:Yeah, that's right.

Elaine:Well, if you sell hot dogs, doesn't that make you a hot dog?

Jerry:My father drives so slow, I have to check his pulse at red lights.

Jerry:He's like a mobile pothole.

Jerry:I saw a funeral procession pass him once. The dead guy looked over and said, 'Move it!'

Morty:A wizard! Somebody stole a wizard! That's fantastic! That's the kind of criminal activity I love to hear about!

Jerry:Look, the calculator has other functions. You can do square roots, percentages...

Morty:Percentages? What's a percentage?

Jerry:It's like when you go to a restaurant and you need to figure out the tip.

Morty:The tip! Finally! That's what I've been trying to do!

Jerry:Florida retirement communities... it's like a waiting room with shuffleboard.

Jerry:People come to Florida to die.

Kramer:What are you talking about?

Jerry:Well, not you. You came here to play shuffleboard.

Helen:I'll make you a nice breakfast, Cosmo.

Morty:You don't want to do that.

Helen:Why not?

Morty:Because if you feed 'em, they never leave.

George:Just tell them you're half black.

Elaine:But I'm not.

George:So what? Who's gonna know?

Elaine:Well, I would know.

George:Yeah, but you're not gonna tell anybody.

Elaine:No, but I'd still know.

George:So? What's the difference if nobody knows but you know?

Elaine:George, I can't just go around telling people I'm half black.

George:Why not?

Elaine:Because then I'd seem like I'm interested in black men, and I don't want to seem interested.

George:So what do I say? 'Hi, I'm George, I'm white'? Is that what I'm supposed to say?

Jerry:George doesn't have a house in the Hamptons.

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

George:No, no, no. I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

Morty:Let me see here... 15% of $47.82... that comes to $7.17. So I'll leave $7.

Jerry:So what's the big deal? It's just a condo newsletter.

Morty:Just a condo newsletter? Jerry, these are serious allegations!

Helen:Everyone in the building reads it, Morty.

Morty:That's what I'm saying! The press is everywhere!

Jerry:Dad, the press isn't everywhere. It's Mrs. Cooperman's newsletter about building maintenance.

Neighbor:So Kramer's got a date with a young instructor?

Kramer:Yeah, she's 50.

Neighbor:50? That's young?

Kramer:For a yoga instructor at the senior center.

Jerry:Kramer's got this thing with women. They love him.

George:What is it? What's his secret?

Jerry:I don't know. He just walks in a room and they're all over him.

George:It's not fair. The man has no job, no prospects...

Jerry:And yet somehow he's irresistible.

Kramer:It's the cologne.

Elaine:What are you putting down for race?

Darryl:I'm putting down 'other'.

Elaine:Why?

Darryl:Because I want to mess with them. I want some guy at the warranty company to open my form and just go, 'What the hell is this?'

Elaine:It doesn't matter to me how much money you make.

Darryl:I make two hundred thousand dollars a year.

Elaine:Two hundred thousand? That's... that's a lot of money.

Jerry:So what's the deal with Darryl? What race is he?

Elaine:I don't know, he's just Darryl.

Jerry:Well, you must know something. Is he black? Is he white?

Elaine:Why does it matter?

Jerry:It doesn't matter, I'm just curious.

Elaine:Well, if you want to know so bad, why don't you just take him to a Spanish restaurant and see if he fits in?

Jerry:Oh, that's a great idea. Let's all just move to Spain.

Jerry:My father, he's like a political operative. He controls everything from the sauna. That's his office. He sits in there with a towel, negotiating building board votes like he's in the situation room.

Jerry:What's the deal with people who say they're against something, but then they meet someone in a wheelchair and suddenly they're for it?

Elaine:That doesn't make any sense.

Jerry:Exactly! It's like, 'I'm against healthcare reform... but this guy in a wheelchair makes a good point.'

Jerry:George, I'm giving you an important job. I need you to go into the bathroom and make sure the toilet paper is folded into a triangle.

George:A triangle? Jerry, that's ridiculous.

Jerry:Not just any triangle, George. An isosceles triangle. And it has to point toward the door.

George:Why would I do that?

Jerry:Because that's what separates us from the animals, George. Neat bathroom habits and a knowledge of geometry.

George:What are you talking about? I'm not doing any gasket exercise.

Jerry:George, this is important. You have to do the gasket exercise.

George:Important? I have mail to sort through!

Jerry:The gasket exercise is more important than the mail.

George:How is a gasket exercise more important than mail?

Jerry:Because your health comes first, George. The mail will always be there.

George:You told her? You told her I was lying?

Elaine:I had to! And you know what? I enjoyed every second of it.

George:You enjoyed it?

Elaine:It was exhilarating! Finally, someone was getting what was coming to them.

George:You know, I've been thinking about something. When someone catches you in a lie, there's a certain satisfaction in being called out on it. You don't have to pretend anymore.

Elaine:George, that's insane. Nobody wants to be called a liar.

George:No, no, you're wrong. It's liberating. You're finally being seen for who you really are.

George:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

Jerry:George, you can't just make up a whole life!

George:Why not? Everybody does it. I'm just doing it better than most people.

Jerry:You told her you were an architect!

George:I AM an architect. I'm working on several major projects in my head right now.

Kramer:George, the woman's downstairs. She wants to talk to you.

George:All right, all right. I'm going in. If this works, I'm thinking I'll tell her I'm the inventor of the Peterman Reality Bus.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:No, wait... I got it. I'm the creator of Seinfeld the television show. I'm not an actor — I'm a producer.

Elaine:George, remember the last time you tried to impress the Rosses? You told them you were an architect.

George:That was different!

Elaine:You're not an architect, George. You're not even close to an architect.

Jerry:What kind of coffee do you have?

Waitress:We have regular and decaf.

Jerry:No, I mean what race is it?

Waitress:It's... coffee.

Elaine:This is awful.

Darryl:I know, it's terrible.

Elaine:I mean, how could they even think that about us?

Darryl:Right, it's so wrong.

Elaine:We're nothing like that.

Darryl:Not at all.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

George:And I believe it.

Jerry:Dad, you look different. Did you do something with your hair?

Morty:I'm running for condo president.

Jerry:Condo president?

Morty:That's right. And let me tell you something — I have a very clear platform. No more double parking in the loading zone. Stricter rules about the pool hours. And I'm going to get to the bottom of who's been leaving their newspapers in the hallway.

Kramer:You know, the early hours constitute a full day for retirees. By 2 PM, they've already lived a whole day!

Jerry:He was barefoot! In a newspaper! With his feet just... out there! What is he doing? He's like a wild animal. I'm embarrassed to know him. My mother's gonna see this. 'Jerry, why is your friend barefoot in the paper?' What do I tell her?

Jerry:You know what they do in retirement communities? They sit around and they gossip. That's it. That's the whole thing. They're like high school girls, except they move slower and they die.

Jerry:You know what I realized? All these politicians taking bribes, it's not even corruption anymore. It's just a subscription service. You pay your monthly fee, you get access to the congressman. It's like Netflix but with more indictments.

Mrs. Ross:George, tell me about your horses.

George:Well, I've got Majestic Thunder, Silver Lightning, and my prize stallion, Gorgeous George Junior.

Mrs. Ross:Those are... interesting names.

George:Yeah, I named them while I was thinking about real estate closings. Not my best work.

Elaine:He's black!

Darryl:What are you talking about? I'm not black.

Elaine:Yes you are!

Darryl:No, I'm not black. I'm from Connecticut.

Elaine:I thought you were Hispanic!

Darryl:Hispanic? Why would you think I'm Hispanic?

Elaine:I don't know, you just seemed... Hispanic.

George:All right, you wanna get nuts... come on, let's get nuts!

Elaine:Oh my God, we're both white!

Darryl:Yeah, we are.

Elaine:We should go to brunch!

Morty:You bought the wrong thing!

Jerry:I bought the wrong thing? You're the one who told me to get it!

Morty:I said get the other one!

Jerry:Well, they look the same!

Jerry:The fake Wizards? This is a disaster! My entire life is ruined! I can't believe this is happening to me right now!

Morty:Do you know how much these things cost?

Jerry:Yes, I know. I'm the one who has to pay for them.

George:It's all lies. Everything about me is a lie. I'm a fraud, a phony. My name isn't even really George. I'm Art Vandelay. I'm an architect. I wear a wig. I'm bald. I have a bad back. I'm unemployed. I live with my parents. I'm short and stout. I have no money, no job prospects, and I just told the most beautiful woman in the world that my life is a complete fabrication.

Helen:Who wants hot chocolate?

George:Why would you do that? What's the point? I don't understand the motivation here. Are you trying to prove something? To whom? To yourself? Because I'm telling you right now, it's not working. What do you want from me? What does anybody want? We're all just trying to get through the day without humiliating ourselves, and you're making it very difficult.

George:Why did you do this?

Mr. Ross:Because I hate you. I hate all of you.

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards. / What about your deal? / I didn't have a deal. / They're $200 a pop. What do I do? / Don't worry. I know a guy. / Down here? / Yeah. Bob Saccamano's father.

George · Mr. Ross · Mrs. Ross:And that leads into the master bedroom. / Tell us more. / Wanna hear more? / The master bedroom opens into the solarium. / Another solarium? / Yes, two solariums.

George:And I have horses too. / What are their names? / Snoopy and Prickly Pete.

George · Mr. Ross:Should I keep driving? / Oh, look, an antique stand. / Pull over. We'll buy you a housewarming gift.

George:A housewarming gift. / All right, we're taking it up a notch.

Elaine · Waitress · Darryl:Long day? / Yeah, I just worked a triple shift. / I hear you, sister. / Sister? / Yeah. / It's okay. My boyfriend's black. Here he is. See? / Hi, Elaine. / Hey. / He's black? / Yeah. / I'm black? / Aren't you?

Darryl · Elaine:You said we were an interracial couple. / We are because you're Hispanic. / I am? / Aren't you? / No. Why would you think that? / Your name's Benes. Your hair. / You kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants. / That's because I thought you were black. / Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black?

Elaine:I don't think we should be talking about this.

Elaine · Darryl:So what are you? / I'm white. / So we're just a couple of white people? / I guess. / Yeah. / So do you want to go to the Gap? / Sure.

Kramer · Morty:Well, I handed out all the Wizards. / The polls close in one hour. / I think we've got this baby all sewn up.

Morty · Jerry:Yeah, there was an extra one. Norman Bergerman. / He won't be leaving any tips where he is.

Board Member · Morty · Jerry:Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these tip calculators? / What are you talking about? / It's overtipping. I just left 5 bucks for a BLT. / Let me see that. / This isn't a Wizard. It's a Willard.

Board Member:Mine doesn't have a seven.

Morty:I'm ruined.

Morty · Jerry · Elaine:Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards? / Because the real Wizard's $200. / You didn't have a deal? / No deal. Not hot. / Morty, you and Kramer. You're finished. / Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair. / Let's go. / The people have spoken.

Kramer:Well, that's it for me. I'm heading back to New York.

Jerry · Morty:Dad, I'm sorry. / You should be. / How could you spend $200 on a tip calculator? / It does other things!

Mr. Ross · George:There's no house! It's a lie! / There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. / There's no other solarium. / We know.

George:Then why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? / Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?

Mr. Ross:We don't like you, George.

Mr. Ross:And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.

George:All right. / Let's head back.