Helen Seinfeld

Helen:You have so many nice jackets. I don't know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this?

Helen · Jerry:This is your greatest moment, a game? / Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.

Helen · Jerry:Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party? / Well, the man's an individualist. He worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what he's doing.

Elaine · Helen:Should we have some coffee? / Who's having coffee?

Helen:I just hope that whole pony incident didn't put a damper on the trip.

Jerry · Helen:You don't think...? / What? / What, the pony remark?

Helen · Jerry:Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an old woman. / You don't think I killed her?

Helen · Jerry:The funeral's Wednesday. / Wednesday? What...? What Wednesday? / Two o'clock, Wednesday. / What? / I got a softball game on Wednesday. It's the championship.

Jerry · Helen:Jerry learns the funeral is Wednesday — the same day as his championship softball game.

Morty · Helen:I got my sport jacket. / You're not wearing that to a funeral. / What's wrong with it? / It looks ridiculous.

Helen:Who takes the Scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here. I'll hide it so nobody can find it.

Jerry · Morty · Helen:We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place. / I don't know why. We would have picked you up. / I don't want to use your car. / What's wrong with our car? / Nothing. It's fine. / What if you want to use it? / We don't. / So, what, you'd hitch?

Elaine · Helen:God, it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning? / You don't need the air conditioner.

Jerry · Helen:Do I have to make a speech? / Of course. They're giving a testimonial for your father. / You could do your comic routines. / Oh, yeah. That'll go over real well with that crowd.

Jerry · Helen · Morty:You have a lake. / The lake isn't real. / The lake is real. / Are you kidding? They built the lake. / But it's real, it's water.

Helen · Jerry:We don't even sleep. / It's a sofa bed. / You'll be uncomfortable. / What about you? / Why should I be comfortable?

Helen:You know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you, you never know what... what, you know, could happen... to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time.

Morty · Helen · Jerry:He's an idealist. / What are you looking for? / I'm looking. I like looking. / He likes looking. / So look. / But how long can you look? / I'm going for the record.

Jack · Morty · Jerry · Helen:Listen, Morty, you want to settle up for last night? All right. I owe you $19.45. / What did you have? You had the minute steak. / Yeah. / Did you have a Coke or what? / I did not have a Coke. / Somebody had a Coke. / I had a Coke.

Helen:See, you know your father. You got to get it right to the penny. But that's why he was such a good president.

Helen · Jerry · Morty:What did you take his pen for? / He gave it to me. / But you didn't have to take it. / She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.

Helen · Morty · Jerry:He never should have offered it. / He didn't think you'd accept. / Well, he was wrong.

Helen:I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen.

Helen:They're talking about it right now.

Helen · Jerry:You're going underwater? / Yes, generally, that's where scuba diving is done.

Helen · Jerry:What's down there that's so special? / What's so special up here?

Elaine · Jerry · Helen:Don't be alarmed. / Oh, my God. / What the hell happened to you? / I'm okay. / My capillaries burst.

Elaine · Helen:Well, I started to go under-- / With the instructor? / Yeah, I got about 10 feet down and felt this tremendous pressure on my mask, like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.

Helen:I told you.

Jerry · Helen:Isn't he supposed to emcee? / Yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee. / Well, this should be a very interesting evening.

Helen:I hate her like poison.

Helen:I hate her like poison.

Helen · Jerry:Jerry, do your act. / I can't. Nobody's even listening. / Well, they're all gonna leave.

Helen · Jerry:So we have you for five more days. / There's no point in me staying. You're just gonna be-- / Excuse me?

Helen:And he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution... they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior. Not five.

Helen:Dr. Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to.

Elaine · Helen:Oh, my back. That bar. Who the hell could sleep on that thing? / I was very comfortable.

Helen · Jerry:'Since when is George a writer?' / 'What writer? It's a sitcom.'

Helen · Jerry:Helen: 'I wanna tell you, that meal was the worst.' Jerry: 'What do you expect? It's airline food. They give you that fish. How could you eat fish on a plane?'

Morty · Helen:Morty trying to carry heavy luggage despite coming to New York specifically to see a back specialist.

Kramer · Helen · Morty:Kramer arrives with a black eye. 'Oh, some guy kicked me in the side of the head. Crazy Joe Davola. Because I was having this party and I didn't invite him, and then Jerry tipped him off.'

Jerry · Helen · Morty · Kramer:Jerry's parents interrogating him about why he told Crazy Joe Davola that Kramer didn't invite him, while Kramer interrupts to talk about his comfortable pants.

Jerry · Kramer · Helen:'He's got, like, a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication.' / 'He's after Jerry now.' / 'He's joking.'

Helen · Jerry:Helen: 'Doesn't like you? How could anyone not like you?' Jerry: 'I know, it seems impossible.'

Helen · Morty:Helen insisting everyone likes Jerry, then turning to Morty: 'Morty?' / 'Maybe some people don't like him. I can see that.'

Helen · Kramer:Helen turns to Kramer: 'Kramer?' / 'Yeah, I like him.'

Jerry · Helen · Morty:Jerry's parents pressing him on exactly WHERE he took the watch — the interrogation escalating to specific address ('Columbus and 85th, okay?').

Helen:Helen, alone, murmurs to herself: 'How could anyone not like him?'

Morty · Helen:Morty: 'Employer's address. Why do they need this?' Then revealing his back problem started on Jerry's convertible sofa.

Helen:Helen: 'You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person.'

Morty · Helen:The intake form asks 'Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?' in Morty's presence.

Morty · Helen:'Excuse me. Excuse me! What's going on? I'm in here 20 minutes. Can somebody please help me?' / 'Quiet. Everyone can hear you.'

Morty · Helen:Morty refuses to hear his diagnosis: 'I'm not interested in his diagnosis. He's a bum.' / Helen: 'What kind of joint you running here where you can't leave your pants?'

Uncle Leo · Jerry · Morty · Helen:Uncle Leo reveals his watch — found in a garbage can, taken to Jimmy Sherman (the exact jeweler where Jerry's watch supposedly is), and now works perfectly.

Helen:Helen: 'Doesn't that watch look like the one that we gave Jerry?' — everyone starting to close in on the truth.

Helen · Jerry · Morty:Helen's explanation for why George rejected the deal: 'Because of Ted Danson.' / 'What does he have to do with it?' / 'Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.'

Jerry · Morty · Helen:Why are you doing this? He wants this guy to think he's in Paris. Why? Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.

Kramer · Helen:I'll remember that if I'm ever in Florida. Yeah, or if ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City. You can get some there.

Helen · Kramer · Morty:What happens if the husband dies after the wife? Who brings the clothing in then? I suppose the children do. Yes, I suppose they do.

Helen:Jerry, we don't care much for the Costanzas. We can't stand them.

Jerry · Helen:It's us. Come on up. It's Elaine. You have any problem? We adore Elaine. She's with her new boyfriend. What's he like? He's nice. A bit of a close talker. A what? You'll see.

Helen:Jerry describes the Costanzas as 'exhausting' — 'It's like being in an asylum.'

Aaron · Helen · Morty · Elaine · Jerry:Aaron the close talker's introduction — the physical discomfort of his proximity to the Seinfelds is implied in the scene

Aaron · Helen · Morty:I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How'd you like a behind-the-scenes tour? Really? You could do that? Easily. It wouldn't be any trouble? Of course not. When could we go? How about right now?

Helen:These haven't been made in 20 years. Why would they? Nobody bought them then.

Helen:He also had an idea for a brimless rain hat, but that never materialized.

Helen:I guarantee you, Doris won't let him mail those boxes.

Morty · Helen:We'll go see Schindler's List, right? Definitely.

Helen · Jack Klompus · Morty:Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do than worry about his boxes? You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it. Get the hell out of here with your knob!

Newman · Helen:Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld. Hello, Newman.

Helen · Jerry:How could you? You were making out during Schindler's List? What? No. Don't lie, Jerry. Newman. How could you do such a thing? I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time. We started up a little during the coming attractions, and the next thing we knew the war was over.

Frank · Helen:I want you to know that I'm retracting our dinner invitation. You don't have to retract it. We never went. I'm retracting that it was ever offered. I retract your retraction.

Helen · Jerry · Elaine:It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off. Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? No! No!

Jerry · Helen:I'll remember that if I'm ever in Florida. Yeah, or if ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City. You can get some there.

Jerry · Morty · Helen:Jerry's parents reveal they 'can't stand' the Costanzas and 'have never liked them.' Jerry: 'I noticed. But they're from your age group. I didn't think you could detect abnormal behaviour among your own kind.'

Jerry · Helen · Morty:We can't stand them. Really? Since when? Since always. We've never liked them.

Jerry · Aaron · Helen · Morty · Elaine:Aaron the close-talker — Jerry warns his parents Elaine's new boyfriend is 'a bit of a close talker,' then 'You'll see.' Cut to: Aaron immediately invading everyone's personal space

Aaron · Helen · Morty · Jerry · Elaine:Aaron as the close-talker — visual reaction from everyone as Aaron speaks uncomfortably close to people's faces.

Aaron · Jerry · Elaine · Helen · Morty:Aaron spontaneously offers to take Jerry's parents on a behind-the-scenes museum tour, leaving immediately. Jerry and Elaine can only watch in bewilderment.

Helen · Morty:Helen returns from the museum and tells Jerry Morty thought Monet was nearsighted: 'Don't you think he had to be nearsighted? Nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.'

Helen:Helen: 'He's from the Impressionist school, you know, like Monet, Manet, Tippy-tippy-day-day.'

Morty · Helen · Kramer:Morty sees Kramer wearing 'the Executive' — the beltless trench coat Morty claims to have invented. Morty: 'My father invented it.' 'I sure did.' / Helen: 'Why would they? Nobody bought them then.'

Helen:Helen adds: 'He also had an idea for a brimless rain hat, but that never materialised.'

Jerry · Rachel · Morty · Helen:Jerry's parents walk in on Jerry and Rachel. Mortified scrambling. Morty suggests they 'drive around for a while' — they don't have a car. 'We'll take a bus.' Jerry: 'Come on. Stop.' Eventually: 'We'll go see Schindler's List, right?' 'Definitely.'

Morty · Helen:Morty and Helen casually mention they saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine: 'He looks better on TV.'

Morty · Jerry · Helen:You know, I've been thinking — why is Kramer getting 25 percent? Well, he told you about the place. So what? Why is that worth 25 percent? It's a finder's fee. You know what a finder's fee is? You find something, you get a fee. A finder's fee is 10 percent, no more.

Newman · Helen:Newman witnesses the Schindler's List makeout and immediately reports to Jerry's mother. Newman: 'He was moving on her like the storm troopers into Poland.'

Newman · Helen:Helen: 'Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?' Newman: 'Yes. And a more offensive spectacle I cannot recall.'

Jerry · Helen:Helen confronts Jerry: 'You were making out during Schindler's List?' Jerry: 'What? No.' Helen: 'Don't lie, Jerry.' Jerry: 'Newman.'

Jerry · Helen:Schindler's List postmortem: 'We started up a little during the coming attractions, and the next thing we knew, the war was over.' Helen: 'How could you do such a thing?'

Jack · Morty · Helen:Jack Klompus broke the garage window with a rock to get the boxes: 'You wanted those damn boxes, didn't you?' Morty and Helen react with increasing horror. Jack: 'It was $10 cheaper in the afternoon than the morning. I figured, what the hell's the difference?'

Jerry · Newman · Helen:Jerry and Newman's diner encounter. Newman: 'It's a powerful film.' Jerry: 'Yeah.' Newman: 'Shocking brutality, don't you think?' Jerry: 'Shocking.' Then Helen bursts in: 'Jerry! Jerry! Where the hell is your father?!'

Helen · Morty:Morty, what do you have to open this box for? There's already a box of cookies open. / I wanted a Chip Ahoy. / I don't want all these open boxes. / Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.

Jerry · Helen · Morty:Can you believe this? / I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac. He hasn't got the money. / How do you know? / Oh, get out of here, Mr. Big Shot.

Jerry · Helen · Morty:Why can't I buy my father a car? / Your father doesn't need a car. / Yes, I do.

Evelyn · Helen · Morty:He's voting to impeach. Not because he thinks you stole the money, but mainly because you never thanked him for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show. / I did so thank him. / No, he never heard you. / He's deaf anyway.

Helen:We're losing all our friends.

Morty · Helen:All right. We'll wait. / But it's unheard of.

Jerry · Helen:My mother will argue with me about what I like. 'Can I have a piece of pumpkin pie?' 'You don't like pumpkin pie.' 'Yes, I do.' 'Since when?' 'What's the difference? Can I have it?' 'No. I have never seen you eat a piece of pumpkin pie.'

Morty · Jerry · Helen:But it comes on 11:30. / Yeah, well, they tape it in the afternoon, and then they air it at 11:30. / How long they been doin' this? / Thirty years. / Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?

Helen:Where can I buy some ice? Your father likes a lot of ice.

Morty · Helen:All they serve is chicken? / Uh, there's more food down the hall. / Here, wrap it up. We'll take it home.

Helen · Jerry:Oh, Jerry, I don't know how you can do this. I'm so nervous for you. / Actually, I'm drunk.

Helen:I'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm not ready to go back to Florida. He was getting along so well with that woman. What happened?

Helen · Morty:You don't think he minds us staying here, do you? / Why would he mind? We're his parents.

Elaine · Helen:Wait. What are you gonna do in there? / What am I gonna do in the bathroom?

Elaine · Helen:I need a clean urine sample from a woman. / I don't know. / Oh, please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please? / Well, what am I gonna do it in? / Well, one of those glasses. / Jerry's glasses?

Elaine · Helen:I need your sample. You want my urine? I need a clean urine sample from a woman. I don't know. Oh, please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?

Helen · Elaine:Well, what am I gonna do it in? Well, one of those glasses. Jerry's glasses? Oh, yeah. He won't mind. Come on, you're his mom.

Helen · Elaine:I could-- Should I use a coffee cup? / Yeah, coffee cup's fine. / Or maybe I could use a juice glass. / Yes, yes. Fine, fine. A juice glass. It's perfect. / This one is kind of scratched. / It doesn't matter. / All right. How--? A milk glass. / A milk glass, a juice glass. Any glass, just pick a glass. / Jerry really doesn't wash these very well.

Helen · Morty:It's nice being back at Leo's. Jerry's place was too small. / First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's going on?

Helen · Morty · Jerry:At least the Costanzas changed their mind about moving. They couldn't bear being away from George. / George must be happy about that. / You have no idea.

Morty · Helen · Jerry:Take my swim trunks. I won't need 'em. / What does he want with your swim trunks? / Why should they go to waste?!

Jerry · Helen:My mother will argue with me about what I like. 'Can I have a piece of pumpkin pie?' 'You don't like pumpkin pie.' 'Yes, I do.' 'Since when?' 'What's the difference? Can I have it?' 'No. I have never seen you eat a piece of pumpkin pie.'

Helen · Morty:Morty bought an exercise device off television. He does it every morning at 4. Only 25 minutes a day, and you can attach it to any doorknob.

Helen:We could but we wanted the bulkhead.

Helen · Morty:We read an article in the Sun-Sentinel... it says that stand-up comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all.

Helen · Jerry:You just heard about this today? / They had a cancellation, and they instantly called me. / Who cancelled? / Carrot Top.

Kramer · Helen:Yeah, Bally's? Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld's room, please. / You know that number? / I used to have a problem.

Helen · Morty:I'm worried. What happens if we have to support Jerry? / I'll have to go back to work. / Where would you work?

Helen · Morty:Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the house? / That's your mother's new car.

Morty · Helen:It's a coupe de elegance. / Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I won't ride in a German car.

Morty · Helen:I don't know why I let you talk me into that corned beef at Snitzers. / No one held a gun to your head. / Yeah.

Helen · Morty:Don't forget: We're eating at the Fidermans' tomorrow. / Why do I have to go? They're your friends. / You like them. / I've had it with them. / Then we won't go. / Okay, okay. What time? / Eight-thirty.

Helen · Morty:When are we gonna tell Jerry? / I don't wanna worry him. / We'll tell him next time we go up. / He thought he could buy back that Cadillac for us? He's not getting away with that. / Besides, that condo was too much house.

Helen · Morty:How many times can you check the car? / I saw a bum sleeping in the Cadillac the other day. / Why would someone break into a car to take a nap?

Morty · Helen:You're driving me crazy. / That's it. We're going back to Queens. Where's my hat? / No!

Helen · Morty:Helen to Morty: 'You're not sleeping in that shirt.' Morty: 'This shirt will never leave my body.'

Jerry · Helen:It's 5:30 in the morning. / We let you sleep in.

Jerry · Morty · Helen:You think it's hot? / Could be. / Attaboy. Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer.

Kramer · Jerry · Helen:That sounds great, Mom. / You feed him he'll never leave.

Helen · Jerry · Morty:You've helped take his mind off the condo election. / Right. You can't run for condo president because you were... impeached at the other condo. / I was never impeached. I resigned. / Even so, the press would bury him. / What press? / The condo newsletter. The Boca Breeze. / Pinko commie rag.

Helen:Who wants hot chocolate?