The Cadillac (2)

Jerry:You know, it's interesting. When you're a kid, your parents are these all-knowing gods. And then you get older and you realize they're just making it up as they go along, just like you are. So the relationship deteriorates. And eventually you reach this point where you're just... keeping your mouths moving. You know what I mean? You're sitting there at dinner, and there's nothing left to say. So you just keep chewing, keep moving your jaw, because at least it looks like you're doing something.

Jerry:My mother's been on my case about my apartment. She says it's too small, too dark, no character. I said, 'Ma, it's perfect for me.' She goes, 'That's the problem! You have no standards!' I said, 'I have standards!' She says, 'Name one.' I said, 'I like my apartment.' She says, 'That proves my point!'

Elaine:We're knocking off the Masai.

Jerry:Knocking them off?

Elaine:The sandals. We're knocking off the Masai sandals.

Doctor:I was in Africa last month. It was so hot, the natives were living inside the animals for shade. I saw a zebra with a family of four living in its stomach.

Kramer:You know, these low-flow showerheads, they're not so bad.

Jerry:Not so bad? Kramer, I feel like I'm bathing in a mist. A mist! I'm standing under a mist like some kind of tropical plant.

George:My father got impeached from the condo board. It was like a political scandal. There were hearings, there was testimony. My mother was standing by him the whole time like she was Nancy Reagan or something.

George:So what's the deal with Leo? Is he seeing anyone?

Jerry:No, he's just sleeping with a lot of women.

George:A lot of women? How many we talking about?

Jerry:I don't know, a lot. It devalues sex.

Frank:The Tonight Show is on at 11:30?

Jerry:Yeah, it's been on at 11:30 for like 30 years.

Frank:11:30?! I've been going to bed at 11!

George:You're through ruining my life. You can at least do this one thing for me.

Jerry:My parents moved to Florida, and we had a very specific understanding. There was a 1200-mile buffer zone between us. That was the deal. Now they're in Queens, and that buffer zone is gone. It's like they took away my early warning system.

Leo:This hamburger is undercooked!

Jerry:It's just a little pink in the middle.

Leo:You're trying to poison me because I'm Jewish!

Jerry:I burned the toast this morning.

Leo:You burned it? Or did they burn it for you?

Jerry:Leo, you're an Adonis. You have beautiful skin.

Leo:I do?

Jerry:Yeah, look at you. You're a good-looking man.

Peterman:These drug test results are very disturbing. You tested positive for opium.

Elaine:Opium? I don't do opium!

Peterman:Well, the test doesn't lie. You know, in my day we called it 'the black stuff,' 'dragon smoke,' 'joy powder.'

Peterman:Elaine, I'm afraid I cannot permit you to go to Africa. The continent is far too treacherous, too unpredictable. It is a land of mystery and danger, where the civilized world has scarcely ventured. The natives are restless, the terrain is unforgiving, and the very air itself seems to conspire against the arrival of Western sensibilities. No, it is simply out of the question. You shall remain here, where it is safe, where the streets are paved and the people speak proper English.

Newman:It's freezing out there! My car won't start, I can barely feel my fingers...

Jerry:Well, at least you've got something warm to keep your hands on.

George:Picture it: you're walking down the street in Florida, and there's a dolphin on the sidewalk.

George:Just a dolphin, hanging out. Maybe he's looking at a map, trying to figure out where he is.

George:You say hello to the dolphin. The dolphin says hello back. You've made a new friend.

George:I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just being honest. If I see a woman I like, I go up and talk to her. That's all there is to it.

Jerry:So what's the problem?

George:There is no problem. I'm a good person. I help old ladies cross the street.

Jerry:From how far away?

George:What do you mean?

Jerry:Well, if you help them from across the street, that doesn't really count.

Kramer:You know, the shower is the most important part of my day. It's not just about getting clean. It's about discovering who I am.

Kramer:If I take a good shower, I'm Cosmo Kramer. If I take a bad shower, I'm nobody. I'm out on the street.

Newman:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!

Kramer:I gotta take a shower, I'm dying here!

Peterman:A shower? You can't just waltz in here and use the facilities like some kind of... addict. Do you have any idea what this office would look like if everyone came in here treating it like a drug den?

Kramer:It's just a shower!

Peterman:Just a shower. That's what they all say.

Peterman:I was in the Turkish merchant marines. We would take the opium, and we would refine it into a very potent medicinal brew. We would then sell it door-to-door.

Peterman:The Turkish government, they were very much in favor of this.

Peterman:Life is like a box of chocolates... no wait, that's not mine. Life is like a fabric. And we are the threads. Sometimes the threads get tangled. Sometimes they fray. But a good tailor... a good tailor can always work it out.

Estelle:This is a dressing room? This is smaller than our bathroom!

Estelle:When Leonard Bernstein conducted the New York Philharmonic, he had a dressing room twice this size!

Helen:You're nervous about the show?

Jerry:A little bit.

Helen:What do you do?

Jerry:I have a drink.

Estelle:You're never home! You're always out doing something!

Frank:I'm home right now, aren't I?

Estelle:That's because I'm here! The minute I leave, you're gone!

Elaine:Oh my God! That's where the poppy seeds come from!

Jerry:He thinks the cook at his coffee shop is anti-Semitic. Then he thinks the racehorse is anti-Semitic.

Jerry:Even the rabbi is anti-Semitic in Leo's worldview.

Jerry:When you do stand-up comedy, you're always looking for the angle. What's the real story? What's actually going on here?

Leo:My girlfriend laughs at all my jokes.

Jerry:That's good.

Leo:No, it's not good. Why is she laughing at everything I say? What does she know that I don't know? Is she mocking me? Is she laughing at me or with me?

Kramer:You know, I took a bath the other day. I'm lying there, and I'm thinking about all the microscopic organisms in the water. And I realized - they're having an orgy in there. A microscopic orgy. Right there in my bathwater.

Newman:I need to speak with you privately. It's about a business matter.

Newman:Listen here, doll. You've got a nice setup, but you're asking the wrong questions. The kind of questions that get people hurt in this town.

Newman:I'm gonna give you some advice: stay out of this. Capisce? This isn't a game for dames like you.

Newman:You know, I've been studying the shower heads. The water pressure, the spray pattern. I've become something of an expert.

Jerry:An expert? Newman, you sell mail.

Newman:I got these shower heads from a guy in Bosnia. They don't make 'em like this anymore. This is precision engineering.

Jerry:Bosnia? Newman, those are just regular shower heads.

Newman:Bosnian shower heads are the finest in the world. The Bosnians, they know water pressure like nobody else.

Newman:Serbs are very clean people. They're shower fanatics.

Jerry:Really? Have you seen the war footage? These guys are not showering.

Newman:It's designed for washing elephants.

Kramer:I want an elephant showerhead.

Jerry:An elephant showerhead? What are you talking about?

Kramer:You know, one of those big showerheads that looks like an elephant's trunk.

Newman:That's very delicate, Jerry. Very delicate.

Frank:We're moving out of spite!

Estelle:That's right! We're not gonna take it anymore!

Frank:They think they can treat us like that? We'll show them!

Estelle:Moving to Florida! That'll teach 'em!

Jerry:We could visit them together, you know, combine the trips.

George:Yeah, that's not gonna happen. I see my parents once a year, maybe. You're talking about coordinating schedules, planning ahead... I can barely get myself to go.

Frank:You want a piece of me? I'm down here in Florida. I'm in a retirement community. We have shuffleboard courts. We have early bird specials. I'm living like a king down here. You think you can intimidate me? I got a Cadillac with a living room in it. I'm telling you right now, you better watch your step. Because I got nothing to lose. I'm retired. I could do anything. Anything!

Newman:A good shower is like a good friend. It's there for you when you need it most. It cleanses you, refreshes you, makes you feel like a new man. I've tried them all - hot showers, cold showers, lukewarm showers. But nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to a shower with good water pressure and plenty of hot water. Your skin feels like silk, your hair is manageable, and you feel like you can take on the world. I'm telling you, a quality shower can change your life. It's not just about getting clean anymore - it's about the experience, the ritual, the renewal of the soul.

Jerry:My parents are moving in temporarily. Do you know what that means? I've lost my entire apartment. It's gone. I'm living in a hallway now.

George:At least they're temporary. My parents moved in permanently. I'm sleeping in the garage.

Jerry:The garage? That's not a room, that's a storage unit with a cot.

Jerry:My parents are moving in with me. I can't believe this is happening. Jerry doesn't want this. Jerry needs his space.

Jerry:Leo, I've been thinking about what I said before, and I was wrong. You're actually in great shape. Look at you – you've got the physique of a Greek statue.

Leo:Really?

Jerry:No, not really. You're short, you're stocky, you've got that weird thing going on with your hair – it's like you glued a dead animal to your head. Your teeth are all yellow and crooked, like a fence after a hurricane. And don't even get me started on those ears – they're like satellite dishes. You look like a garden gnome that got hit by a truck.

Leo:She's anti-Semitic, I'm telling you!

Jerry:Well, I mean, have you met you?

Elaine:I need your help. I have a drug test tomorrow and I'm freaking out.

Mrs. Benes:A drug test? Elaine, what have you been doing?

Elaine:Nothing! I just need clean urine. Can you... would you be willing to...

Mrs. Benes:You want my urine?

Elaine:Just this once. Please. I'm desperate.

Helen:I'm not sure which glass to use for the urine sample.

Elaine:Helen, it doesn't matter. Any glass is fine.

Helen:But what if it's the good crystal? I can't put urine in the good crystal.

Elaine:Helen, please, just pick a glass.

Helen:Maybe the juice glass? Or is that too casual?

Elaine:Helen! Any glass! Now!

Helen:What about a shot glass? That seems appropriate for a small sample.

Elaine:Use. A. Glass!

Newman:An elephant showerhead? What's the big deal?

Jerry:What do you mean 'what's the big deal'? It's an elephant showerhead!

Newman:So? It's just a showerhead.

Jerry:Just a showerhead? Newman, it's shaped like an elephant!

Newman:I don't see what you're so excited about.

Peterman:I have wonderful news. Your urine came back clean. Not a trace of any illegal substance.

Peterman:However, Helen, you are going to die.

Peterman:The good news is you have about two weeks.

Peterman:I have devastating medical news. I've been diagnosed with a bone disease.

George:A bone disease? What kind of bone disease?

Peterman:Osteoporosis.

George:Well, that's not so bad.

Peterman:There's more. I also have scurvy.

Frank:I'm taking these back to Florida. You know how much a pair of swim trunks costs down there? Twelve dollars!

Jerry:So you're just taking my trunks?

Frank:It's not stealing, it's a wash! I buy you a pair down there, you buy me a pair up here. We're even!

Jerry:Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Jerry:This is like standing under Niagara Falls!

Jerry:I can't feel my skin!

Morty:I'm sorry. We can't go back to Florida. [Morty's reaction shot to Frank's declaration]

Jerry:Ohhh... Ahhh... I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner. You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of.

Jerry:I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner. You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of.

Morty · Jerry:Is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? / What was that? / Nothing. A bottle broke, that's all.

Jerry:My buffer zone just went from 1200 miles down to two feet.

Jerry · George:You gotta do something. / Hey, I'm sorry. You had your buffer zone for many years. It's my time to live, baby!

George:Hey, I'm sorry. You had your buffer zone for many years. It's my time to live, baby!

Leo · Jerry:Move back with Lydia? Come on. You're lucky to have anybody. Last week you told me I was in my prime. I should be swinging. / Swinging? What, are you out of your mind? Look at you. You're disgusting. You're bald. You're paunchy. All kinds of sounds are emanating from your body 24 hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than 10 consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.

Leo · Jerry:But she's an anti-Semite. / Can you blame her?

Helen · Morty:You don't think he minds us staying here, do you? / Why would he mind? We're his parents.

Elaine:A poppy seed. It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead.

Elaine · Helen:Wait. What are you gonna do in there? / What am I gonna do in the bathroom?

Elaine · Helen:I need a clean urine sample from a woman. / I don't know. / Oh, please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please? / Well, what am I gonna do it in? / Well, one of those glasses. / Jerry's glasses?

Elaine · Helen:I need your sample. You want my urine? I need a clean urine sample from a woman. I don't know. Oh, please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?

Helen · Elaine:Well, what am I gonna do it in? Well, one of those glasses. Jerry's glasses? Oh, yeah. He won't mind. Come on, you're his mom.

Helen · Elaine:I could-- Should I use a coffee cup? / Yeah, coffee cup's fine. / Or maybe I could use a juice glass. / Yes, yes. Fine, fine. A juice glass. It's perfect. / This one is kind of scratched. / It doesn't matter. / All right. How--? A milk glass. / A milk glass, a juice glass. Any glass, just pick a glass. / Jerry really doesn't wash these very well.

Kramer · Jerry · Vendor:What are you looking for? / Power, man, power. Like Silkwood. / That's for radiation.

Kramer · Jerry · Vendor:Now, what is this? / That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. / No, that's what we want, is the Commando 450. / No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants. / Just give it to us. / Yeah. We'll pay anything.

Vendor · Kramer:What about Jerry? / He couldn't handle that. He's delicate.

Helen · Morty:It's nice being back at Leo's. Jerry's place was too small. / First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's going on?

Leo · Super:Who is it? / It's the super. / We're installing new low-flow showerheads in all the bathrooms. / Low-flow? / I don't like the sound of that.

Peterman · Elaine:So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you. / Oh, yes! What a load off. / So when are we going to Africa? / I'm afraid I can't take you. / What? Why not? / Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal.

Peterman · Elaine:You have the metabolism of a 68-year-old woman. / But I wanted to see the Bushmen. / Oh, and one more thing: You may have osteoporosis.

Elaine · Peterman:But I wanted to see the Bushmen. Oh, and one more thing: You may have osteoporosis.

Morty:Well, it's been a great visit. Jerry, I'll tell ya, the first thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Florida is take a shower.

Helen · Morty · Jerry:At least the Costanzas changed their mind about moving. They couldn't bear being away from George. / George must be happy about that. / You have no idea.

Morty · Helen · Jerry:Take my swim trunks. I won't need 'em. / What does he want with your swim trunks? / Why should they go to waste?!

Kramer:Kramer installs the Commando 450 showerhead and is blasted with elephant-grade water pressure — implied physical comedy from the transcript's sequence of exclamations