Jack Klompus

Jerry · Jack:And scuba diving. / Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving? / We're going. We'll be back in time. / What do you have to go scuba diving for? / For fun. / For fun?

Jack:Jerry, your mother tells me you're gonna do one of your little comedy skits tomorrow.

Jack · Morty · Jerry · Helen:Listen, Morty, you want to settle up for last night? All right. I owe you $19.45. / What did you have? You had the minute steak. / Yeah. / Did you have a Coke or what? / I did not have a Coke. / Somebody had a Coke. / I had a Coke.

Jack · Morty:All right, make it 20 bucks. / It's $19.45, Morty. / $19.45?

Jack · Jerry:Take the pen. / Oh, no. / Go ahead. / I couldn't. / Take it. / I can't take it. / Do me a personal favor. / No, I'm not comfortable. / I cannot take it. / Take the pen. / Are you sure? / I'm positive. Take the pen.

Jerry · Jack:Listen, Mr. Klompus, it was a nice gesture to give me the pen, but I don't really need it. / You what? / It's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. / Well, I mean-- / Take it. / All right.

Morty · Jack:You know, Jack, you got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen. / Whose pen? / His pen. / This happens to be my pen. / You didn't give it to him? / What are you talking about? He practically begged me for it.

Jack · Morty:Do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it? / You didn't want it. / Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake.

Morty · Jack:Who said you couldn't have it? What the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake? / Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the Scotch tape.

Jack · Morty:So you got the Scotch tape. / I've been looking all over for it. / I'll give it back. / I don't want it. / I don't want it!

Jack:A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan.

Jack:Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment. And unfortunately, he possesses none of these qualities.

Jack:His administration did excel in one department: The hiring of incompetents.

Jack:But we do owe him a debt of gratitude, because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, it put Mrs. Ziven out of commission for a few weeks.

Jack · Jerry · Morty:I took it back? I gave it to him! / Give him the pen. / You broke my dental plate. / Doris! He broke my dental plate. / You son of a bitch. I'll sue you.

Jack:Jack Klompus on the phone: 'Who died?' — his first response upon receiving a call from Morty

Jack · Morty:Jack's response to being told there are boxes in his garage: 'What boxes?' Morty: 'I'm gonna explain what boxes.' Jack: 'All right. How the hell do I know?'

Jack:Doris Klompus (offscreen): 'You have nothing better to do than worry about his boxes?'

Jack:Jack: 'Get the hell out of here with your knob!' (responding to Morty's instruction to 'pull on the knob as you turn it')

Jerry · Jack:Jack Klompus introduces himself to Jerry: 'So when are you coming down to Florida again?' / 'As soon as is humanly possible.' / 'You know, I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down.' / Jerry: 'Yeah. I should have kept it.'

Jack · Morty · Helen:Jack Klompus broke the garage window with a rock to get the boxes: 'You wanted those damn boxes, didn't you?' Morty and Helen react with increasing horror. Jack: 'It was $10 cheaper in the afternoon than the morning. I figured, what the hell's the difference?'

Jack · Elaine:They're bringing me back. Yeah. I'm the Wiz again. / What? / I'm the Wiz. I'm the Wiz. / What about your fact-checking job? / Oh, here's a fact. I'm the Wiz. / I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.