The Junk Mail

Jerry:I need a new car because of Kramer's blood.

George:The engine clotted.

George:You know what the problem is? I'm jealous. I'm jealous that Jerry had this whole other life at camp that I wasn't part of. And now this guy shows up and they're reliving all these memories together, and where am I? I'm not in any of these stories.

George:That's it. That's the whole thing. Summer me. That's all I am to you people - winter me.

George:I made that up.

George:I never saw it.

Jerry:It was erotic.

Kramer:These people, they're oppressing us! They're like jack-booted thugs!

Jerry:Kramer, what are you talking about?

Kramer:It's a home decor catalog company!

Jerry:So what are you saying, you want to date a famous actress?

Kramer:I'm declaring war on these catalog companies. I'm going to order everything under fake names, have it all sent to their headquarters, and then cancel the orders.

Jerry:Kramer, that's not revenge, that's just... chaos.

Kramer:It's a military operation, Jerry. Phase one: infiltration. Phase two: saturation. Phase three: total catalog annihilation.

George:You can't just call your parents. You have to prepare. You have to have material. It's like a business meeting.

George:You need an opening, something to get them interested. Then you develop your theme, build to a climax, then you have your closing.

George:It's structure. It's showmanship.

Jerry:I did a show for a car dealership. You know what I realized? I could reduce my entire comedy act to one generic crowd-work question: 'So, anybody here bought a car recently?'

Elaine:That was delish!

Jack:Scrump!

George:So I'm at Fortunoff's, right? And I'm looking at this china pattern...

George's mother:Wait, what? Chinese food is here!

George's father:We gotta go!

George's mother:Goodbye, George!

George:Hello? Hello?

George:Wait, you actually had Chinese food at midnight? What are you, insane? At your age, that's like giving dynamite to a senior citizen.

Jerry:You're like a restaurant. You got a regular, you got a backup regular, and you got a 'just in case.'

Elaine:That's not what I'm doing.

Jerry:You're double-dipping! You can't double-dip a chip!

Elaine:You know, I think I've been approaching relationships all wrong. I should treat my boyfriends like employees. Performance reviews, quarterly evaluations, the whole thing.

Elaine:If they're not meeting expectations, they're on thin ice. One more incident and they're terminated.

Elaine:Benefits package negotiable depending on tenure.

Jerry:Why don't you just go to the source and stop them from sending you the catalogs in the first place?

Kramer:The source. That's brilliant!

Kramer:I'm gonna call the post office and tell them to stop delivering my mail.

Jerry:What? No, not all your mail. Just the catalogs.

Kramer:No, no, no. I'm stopping it all. All of it. No more mail.

Frankie:You know what would be cool? To have a van. Like, just drive around, pick up chicks...

Jerry:Yeah, we were twelve.

Jerry:The kid is very sensitive. You know, if you say something to him, he'll go dig a hole and sit in it.

Jerry:I don't know what to do about this van. Nobody wants it.

Kramer:Well, you gotta make it sexy. Put a good bumper sticker on it.

Jerry:A bumper sticker? What kind of bumper sticker?

Kramer:How about 'If this van's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!'

George:Why are you so dressed up?

Frank:We're going out.

George:Where?

Frank:I don't know, your mother wants to go somewhere, so we're going.

Frankie:These are captain's chairs.

Jerry:Oh, so if I sit in one of these, I have to go down with the ship?

Jerry:What is that sound?

Frankie:That's just the van backing up.

Jerry:Your van makes that noise? That embarrassing beeping sound?

Frankie:Yeah, it's a safety feature.

Jerry:A safety feature? It's like driving around in a construction zone!

Kramer:Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night shall keep the postman from his appointed rounds.

Kramer:So I'm thinking, we build a wall of bricks in front of the mailbox. They can't get through!

Jerry:Where did you get all these bricks?

Kramer:I'm taking them from the building.

Jerry:You're taking bricks from the building?

Kramer:Yeah, they're not gonna miss a few bricks.

Jerry:So I'm supposed to sell this van to some guy who lives in a van down by the river?

George:You gotta use 'juicy' in the ad.

Jerry:Juicy? It's a van, George.

George:So? Juicy sells. Nobody can resist juicy.

Jerry:A juicy van...

George:It works.

George:You see, the key to a successful advertising campaign is confidence. You say something with enough conviction, people will believe it. Like 'buying bone' - nobody knows what it means, but if you say it right, it sells the product.

Kramer:I don't want to hold my mail. I want to stop the mail. I want to quit you. I'm done. We're through. It's over.

Postal Worker:What about cards and letters?

Kramer:Well, there's always telegrams, mailgrams, and holograms.

Newman:You know, we really are quite secretive. We don't like people knowing about the mail.

Newman:It's not something we enjoy discussing.

Estelle:He's not married!

Frank:He's not even engaged!

Estelle:He's never even had a serious girlfriend!

Frank:He lives at home!

Estelle:He's got no job!

Frank:He's got no prospects!

Estelle:He's got no future!

Frank:I'm going to go slip into something more comfortable.

Frank:These damn pants are killing me.

George:I'm going to date my own cousin. That'll show them.

Jerry:Wait a minute... I know you from somewhere.

Jack:Oh yeah?

Jerry:Yeah, you're that guy from the Stereo World commercial! 'Come on down to Stereo World, where the prices are insaaaaane!'

Jack:That's me.

Elaine:He's a fact-checker. He has this quiet dignity about him.

Elaine:He does those embarrassing hemorrhoid commercials.

Jerry:Look, there's your boyfriend.

Elaine:What? Where?

Jerry:He's the Peterman model. He's in the commercial.

Elaine:No! That's not him!

Jerry:That's definitely him.

Elaine:Oh my God. He's a model. A hand model.

George:You know, I've been thinking about us. About the connection we have. It's undeniable.

George:I know what people would say. I don't care. When you know, you know.

George:Life is short. We could have something real here. Something that defies convention.

George:I was thinking... maybe we could go back to my place?

Rhisa:Oh, absolutely! I'd love to!

Van buyer:I'll tell you what, I'll trade you something for the van.

Jerry:What?

Van buyer:A slightly worn David Hasselhoff undershirt.

Jerry:That's your offer?

Van buyer:It's from the set of Baywatch. You can still see the sweat stains.

Van buyer:I was at the gym, right? And I see Anthony Quinn on the treadmill next to me. So I'm working out, he's working out, and he takes off his undershirt. I'm thinking, 'That's Anthony Quinn's undershirt!' So I grab it and I run out of the gym.

Jerry:You stole Anthony Quinn's undershirt?

Van buyer:It's Anthony Quinn! What was I supposed to do?

Elaine:So we're not getting back together?

Puddy:No. And I'll tell you why. You're gonna see me in a commercial, and you're gonna be attracted to the other characters.

Elaine:What? That's ridiculous!

Puddy:Is it? Is it really?

Elaine:He's not just a TV pitchman! He's a talented actor who happens to do commercials. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, he's helped millions of people. Set it and forget it!

Kramer:Yeah, well, the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every single day, it keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a break in the action. Never a minute's peace. You can't escape it. You don't know when it's coming.

Jerry:So you're protesting the mail by creating a dummy and putting a bucket on its head?

Kramer:That's right!

Jerry:But... you're still getting mail.

Passerby:What are you protesting?

Kramer:I don't know.

Jerry:You don't know what you're protesting?

Kramer:No.

George:My father's going to come home, he's going to find me in the bedroom with my pants down and my shirt up. He will go berserk, and then he will throw me out. Then I'll stay with Elaine. I make the call to my father, tell him I want to come home. He says 'No.' Then I say, 'If you don't let me come home, I'm going to kill myself.' Then he has to let me come home.

Frank:We're gonna have to do something about Bette. She's a looker but she's cold as ice.

Estelle:What are you talking about? I'm standing right here!

George:Dad, I'm sorry. I can't help myself. I'm very sorry.

Frank:What the hell?

George:She came on to me.

Frank:Get your hand off her!

Newman:They're watching me. Always watching. Always.

Newman:I know what they're capable of. I've seen things you wouldn't believe.

Newman:They're going to come after me, Kramer. And when they do, there's nothing anyone can do to stop them.

Newman:First, they'll cut off my mail. Then my pension. Then... they'll find me.

Kramer:Wait a minute. You're the idiot I warned myself about.

Newman:I know.

Kramer:You know?

Newman:I know you know I know.

Kramer:Well, I know you know I know.

Frank:Seinfeld's van, Seinfeld's van, Seinfeld's van!

George:Dad, why do you keep talking about that serial killer?

Frank:What serial killer? I'm talking about Jerry's van!

George:Oh... I thought you meant that Seinfeld guy who murdered all those people.

Jack:I'm a fact-checker. That's my job.

Jack:And I can say with complete authority: I'm a Snapple guy.

Jerry:What is this?!

Postmaster General:This is a very important meeting. We need to discuss the future of the postal service.

Postmaster General:By the way, I'm golfing with the President and the Secretary of State this weekend.

Postmaster General:We don't just deliver mail. We mobilize. We strategize. We invade mailboxes across this great nation with the precision of a special forces unit.

Jerry:Look, there's the van.

George:Where?

Jerry:Right there, it's moving.

Jerry:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Frank:My son, he's got this woman. She's all over him like a cheap suit. And what does he do? He just sits there, letting her maul him like some kind of trained seal at a circus!

Elaine:I'm so stupid. / What? / I'm so stupid. Excuse... I'm sorry.

George · Jerry:She's leaving me dirty messages on my answering machine. / So have your parents found out about it? / She wants to keep it quiet. She thinks we have a real future together. / It's a brave new world, all right.

Kramer · Jerry:We were out in front of the post office today and not one person went in. / It's Sunday.

Kramer · Jerry:Well, I thought we made a deal for Quinn's T-shirt? / Are you insane? / Give them. / No, I can't. I can't. See, I told Frank he could borrow it. / Yeah, he wants to move some of George's stuff into storage.

Jerry · Van Buyer · George:Hey, I want my van keys back. / Well, I thought we made a deal for Quinn's T-shirt? / Are you insane? Give them. / No, I can't. I can't. See, I told Frank he could borrow it.

George:Wait a minute. He's picking up the van tonight? This is perfect. I'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic, then when my father slides the door open, I'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter.

George:Wait a minute. He's picking up the van tonight? This is perfect. I'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic, then when my father slides the door open, I'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter.

Jerry · Van buyer:Jerry, one of your friends came by... and he was very upset that I had your wheels. / Oh, no, not Frankie. / I didn't catch his name, but he went running into the park. / Oh, no, the woods, the hole.

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer, what the hell are you doing? / I know, I'm gonna switch the bucket to something else. / Not that.

Newman · Kramer:You're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't be talking to you. I'm telling you as a friend. Here's how it's gonna happen. You may be walking, maybe on a crisp autumn day just like today, when a mail truck will slow beside you, the door will open. A mailman you know, maybe even trust, will offer to give you a lift. / Are you through? / No. / And no one will ever see you again. / Are you through? / Yes. / No, wait. / Okay, yes.

Newman · Kramer:Quick. Get in. / Oh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you said it was going down. / There's another way. It's going down now! / No, you said a mailman I know, and you're a mailman I know. / I know you know, but you don't know what I know.

Jerry · Edgar/stranger · Frankie:Frankie? / ... / Frankie, is that you? / My name is Edgar. Have a nice night. / Thank you. / Stupid. So stupid.

George · Estelle · Frankie:Where are my parents? / Georgie. / Is this Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van. Seinfeld's van.

George · Estelle · Frank:Wait. What's he saying? / I think he's saying Son of Sam. / Oh, my God! / I thought they caught him. / I knew it wasn't Berkowitz.

Jack · Elaine:They're bringing me back. Yeah. I'm the Wiz again. / What? / I'm the Wiz. I'm the Wiz. / What about your fact-checking job? / Oh, here's a fact. I'm the Wiz. / I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.

Jerry:As much as I hate the idea of being a van guy, it's a lot better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt people.

Newman · Kramer:Good. He left the door unlocked. / Why did Kramer have to park the van in the woods? / Isn't it obvious? There are no parking meters out here.

George · Jerry · Kramer:Good. He left the door unlocked. / Why did Kramer have to park the van in the woods? / Isn't it obvious? There are no parking meters out here.

Newman:Hoochie mama.

Kramer · Postmaster General Henry:Who are you? / Well... you can just call me Henry. / Henry Atkins, the postmaster general? / Last time I checked.

Postmaster General Henry:I even had to cancel a round of golf with the secretary of state.

Postmaster General Henry:I gotta be honest with you. You make a pretty strong case. I mean, just imagine. An army of men in wool pants, running through the neighbourhood, handing out pottery catalogues door to door.

Postmaster General Henry:Well, it's my job... and I'm pretty damn serious about it. In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general and we both know it's the job of a general to, by God, get things done.

Henry (Postmaster General):In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general and we both know it's the job of a general to, by God, get things done.

Kramer · Postmaster General Henry:I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. / Sure, you're sorry. / I think we got a stack of mail there at the desk that belongs to you. You want that mail, don't you, Mr. Kramer? / Sure do. / Now, that's better.

Kramer · Newman:Newman? / Tell the world my story.

George · Frankie:George Costanza. Frankie Merman. The summer me. The winter me.

Frankie · Rhisa · George:You must be George's cousin. / Girlfriend. / All right.

Frank Merman · Rhisa · George:You must be George's cousin. / Girlfriend. / All right.

George · Frankie · Frank · Estelle:Hey, what is that? / That van's a-rocking. / Then don't go a-knocking. / Oh, my God! / Oh, my God!

Frank · Estelle · George:What you saw in the van was a natural expression of a man's love for his lady. / Your father's right. It's beautiful. And it was safe. / Oh, God. / Now, if you'll excuse me, once again, your mother and I... / Oh, make it stop.