Newman

Kramer · Newman:Kramer on the phone: the concrete machine damage was 1,200 dollars. Then: 'That's Newman. I'm on the roof!' — Newman's voice from outside.

Jerry · Newman:Newman shouts from the roof. Jerry responds: 'Well? What are you waiting for?'

Newman:Neighbor (Newman) hears about Martin's coma and immediately pivots to: 'I can't believe he's in a coma. He's got my vacuum cleaner.'

Newman:Newman elaborates: 'I loaned it to him, he never returned it. The carpets are filthy.'

Jerry · Newman:Newman arrives; Jerry: 'Hello, Newman.' (delivered with characteristic dread)

Newman · Kramer:Newman to Kramer: 'He can't hear you, you idiot.' / Kramer: 'Why would I buy another one when I spent 100 bucks on this one?'

Kramer · Newman:Newman offers: 'I have a carpet sweeper you can use.' / Kramer: 'I don't want a carpet sweeper. They don't do anything.' / Newman: 'It gets my rug clean.' / Kramer: 'The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.'

Newman · Kramer:Kramer defends the carpet sweeper: 'It gets my rug clean.' Newman: 'The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.'

Newman · Jerry:Newman visits Martin's hospital room trying to get the vacuum situation resolved with Jerry and Gina; Jerry asks 'How up to date?' Newman: 'All the way up.'

Newman · Jerry:Newman negotiates with Jerry — won't tell Martin about him and Gina if: 'a friend is something you earn.' / Jerry: 'Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands this weekend. He's not going.' / Newman: 'I don't care much for the beach. I freckle.'

Elaine · Newman:Elaine tries to convince Newman to take Kramer's Cayman ticket by mentioning 'Jerry has a friend who has free tickets.' Newman: 'I don't care much for the beach. I freckle.'

Newman · Jerry · George:Newman negotiates silence in exchange for a bite of Drake's Coffee Cake. The framing of swearing on his mother's life to secure the deal.

Newman · Kramer:Newman swears on his mother's life not to tell Martin. The ceremony of the oath — 'You swear?' 'I swear.' 'On your mother's life?' 'On my mother's life.' — followed by Newman's rapturous 'Ooooh' as he takes a bite

Newman:Newman bursts in: 'They did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.' / Newman: 'I want my vacuum cleaner!'

Jerry · Newman:Jerry, caught out, says: 'I can explain!' Newman interjects: 'It was disgusting!'

Kramer · Newman:Kramer arrives and says 'Hello, Newman' in a cold, flat tone

Newman · Kramer:Newman: 'I hate Keith Hernandez.' / Kramer: 'I despise him.' — then both proceed to tell the spit story with extreme gravity

Kramer · Newman · Jerry · Elaine:The JFK-spitting parody: Newman and Kramer's story of Hernandez spitting on them, told with JFK-assassination documentary gravity — 'June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies...'

Newman · Kramer:Newman: 'And I screamed out, I'm hit!' / Kramer: 'Then I turned, and the spit ricocheted off him, and it hit me.'

Newman · Jerry · Kramer:Newman: 'I'm leaving.' / Jerry: 'Jerry's a nut.' / 'The sad thing is, we may never know the real truth.'

Keith Hernandez · Kramer · Newman:Keith confronts Newman and Kramer; Kramer announces 'And then you spit on us!' — and Keith reveals it was actually Roger McDowell

Kramer · Newman:Kramer and Newman reveal they were 'cursing at McDowell in the bullpen all game' and Kramer 'poured a beer on his head'

Newman:Newman: 'Maybe because we were sitting in the right-field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game. He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.'

Keith Hernandez · Newman · Kramer:What are you doing? / I gotta move. / You want any help? / I'd love some. You sure? / I'd love to help you. / Yeah, me too!

Newman · Jerry:You're not gonna lie to me, are you? — No. Never. — All right. I'm glad we got that straightened out because I got a date with her.

Jerry · Newman:'Hello, Newman.' — Jerry entering Kramer's apartment to find Newman there instead.

Jerry · Newman:Hello, Newman.

Jerry · Newman · George:'Don't play coy with me, I'm not in the mood.' / 'Coy? I'm not being coy.' / 'Is he being coy?' / 'Yeah, coy.'

Jerry · Newman:'Listen, Tiny...' — Jerry addressing Newman by size.

Newman:'Hit me, Seinfeld, I got witnesses.'

George · Newman:George threatening Newman: 'Tell me where Kramer is or we'll do this the hard way!' then Newman screaming 'Help! Help!'

Newman · George:That's a great hat. / Really? You like it? / I got it at a flea market today.

George · Newman · Elaine:Hey, George, nice hat. / Yeah, thanks. / Can I try it on? / No! It wouldn't fit you. / Sure, it would. / No! Get out of here, Newman. / Let me try it. / No! Stop it! / Let him try it on. / I don't want him to! / What is wrong with you?

Jerry · George · Newman:Newman is in Kramer's apartment when Jerry and George break in to find Kramer

Jerry · Newman · George:"Don't play coy with me, I'm not in the mood. / Coy? I'm not being coy. / Is he being coy? / Yeah, coy."

Jerry · Newman:"Listen, Tiny..." followed by Newman threatening to call 'witnesses' if Jerry hits him

Newman:"Hit me, Seinfeld, I got witnesses."

Newman:Newman's dramatic reveal: Kramer "packed a grip and split for the coast. La-la land. L.A."

Kramer · Newman:I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet. He's giving me his radar detector.

Newman · Kramer:Newman and Kramer argue about 'reneging' — Newman keeps saying the word, Kramer keeps telling him to stop

Newman · Kramer:No, but there's karma, Kramer? / Karma Kramer.

Jerry · Newman:Does that thing work? / No.

Newman:Because the radar detector, as I understand it, detects radar! With a series of beeps and flashing lights. But for some reason, I didn't hear a thing...except for the sound of a police siren.

Newman:I want my helmet back! You give me back my helmet, and pay for that ticket!

Newman · Kramer:When he stopped me, I told him I was rushing because my friend was about to commit suicide. Now, you're that friend. / All we need is a reason why you were gonna commit suicide. / I never had an air conditioner.

Kramer · Newman:I was never able to become a banker. / Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You...you...you can't live without being a banker. / Yeah, yeah. If I can't be a banker, I don't wanna live. / You must be a banker! / Must be a banker!

Kramer · Newman:I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker. / And this failure to become a banker...was eating at you. Eating, eating, eating at you inside. / Yeah.

Newman · Kramer:Newman tries to remind Kramer about the phone call alibi. 'From who?' 'From me! From me!' The scene devolves into Newman shrieking 'the banking! the banking!'

Newman · Judge · Newman:I demand a recess so that I can take him outside and help him regain his composure. / That'll be $75. / What's the matter with you, you jerk? We had it all worked out!

Kramer · Newman · Jerry:Hey, Newman, is that your red car? / Yeah. / I think you're getting a ticket. / Run. / Go! Go! Go! / Hey, what are you doing? It's after 6:00! You can't give me a ticket!

Kramer · Newman:Newman asks Kramer why he'd commit suicide; Kramer's answer: 'I never had an air conditioner.'

Kramer · Newman:Newman: 'That's no reason to kill yourself.' Kramer: 'Why? It gets hot at night. You can't sleep. You ever try to sleep in a really hot room?' Newman: 'Every night I sleep in a really hot room. I don't want to kill myself.'

Newman:Newman's escalating conviction: 'You must be a banker. Must be a banker!' delivered with increasing intensity

Newman:Newman's elaborate courtroom speech: Parcheesi with a blind man in Westchester, the banker rejected by Manufacturers Hanover on Lexington and 40th

Newman:Newman's testimony: he was playing Parcheesi with a blind man when Kramer called, the banker was turned down by the third bank in two weeks — then out of nowhere: 'Yo-Yo Ma!'

Kramer · Newman:Kramer on the stand: Lawyer asks him to tell the court 'in your own words' what happened. Kramer: 'What do you mean, "in my own words"? Whose words are they gonna be?'

Newman:Newman as lawyer, coaching Kramer: 'And this failure to become a banker... it was eating at you. Eating, eating, eating at you inside.'

Newman · Kramer:Newman invents that it was Kramer's family that pushed him into banking — Kramer has no idea what Newman is talking about

Newman · Kramer:Newman's invented backstory: Kramer's father lifted him up to see the bank teller and said 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him. That's gonna be you someday.'

Newman · Kramer:The courtroom meltdown: Newman trying to prompt Kramer with increasingly frantic pantomiming — 'You were gonna ack-ka-ka-ka! ... You were dai-ya deh, wha-hey! ... To yourself!' — while Kramer genuinely doesn't understand

Newman · Kramer:Judge fines Newman $75. Newman: 'What's the matter with you, you jerk? We had it all worked out.'

Judge · Newman:Newman's $75 fine from the judge after the courtroom breakdown — 'That'll be $75'

Newman · Jerry · George · Kramer:Newman gets a parking ticket. Kramer, Jerry, and George all yell 'Run! Go! Go! Go!'

Newman · Kramer:Newman: 'Hey, what are you doing? It's after 6:00! You can't give me a ticket! ... I'll fight this! I've got witnesses!' Kramer: 'I saw the whole thing.'

Newman · Elaine:Newman complains he didn't get a Christmas card: 'I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.' Elaine throws one at him.

Elaine · Newman:Elaine hands Newman the nipple card directly after his complaints: 'Here's your Christmas card.'

Jerry · Newman:Jerry walks into Kramer's apartment and flatly says, 'Hello, Newman.'

Jerry · Newman:Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody? Sometimes.

Newman:Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. Never a letup. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more... Then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publishers Clearing House day!

Newman · Kramer · Record Store Owner:The record store owner offers $5 for the whole collection. Newman and Kramer: 'Five bucks?' Owner: 'Yeah, I do. Five dollars.'

Newman · Kramer:All right, we'll be back, Jack. We'll be back... Jack.

Newman · Kramer:Newman and Kramer, kicked out of the store: 'We'll be back, Jack... We'll be back... Jack.' (long trailing exit)

Newman · Kramer:You embarrassed me at that store. That guy thought we were a couple of total squares. Oh yeah, you and your Sergio Mendes. Hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America.

Newman · Kramer · Ron:This guy is nothing but a piece of crap. You are nothing but a piece of crap. What did you call me? A piece of crap. A piece of crap. I find you extremely ugly. I find you extremely ugly. You emit a foul and unpleasant odor. You emit a foul and unpleasant odor. I loathe you. I loathe you.

Newman · George:Newman tells George: 'You stink.' George: 'What do you mean, I stink?' Newman: 'You stink. Why don't you take a shower?' George: 'I showered.'

Newman:What kind of snow blower did you get us mixed up with?

Newman · Kramer · George · Jerry:What's today? / It's Thursday. / Really? / Feels like Tuesday. / Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel. / I feel Tuesday and Wednesday. / Shut up, the both of you.

Newman · Jerry:I should've gone in with him. / No, you stay here in the car. I may need you. / What do you need me in the car for? / I might need you to get me a soda.

Newman:Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.

Newman:Pair of bear claws, please.

Newman:Hey, hey, hey. I hear you got some lip reader working for you. Let me use her once. / But, Jerry... we got this new supervisor at the post office. He's working behind glass. They're talking about me. They're gonna transfer me. I know it! Two hours. Give me two hours.

Newman:You go ahead. You keep it secret. But you remember this: When you control the mail, you control information.

Newman:Newman arrives and immediately enthuses about the yogurt: 'Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's nonfat! I've been waiting for something like this my whole life!'

Jerry · Newman:Hello, Newman. Hello, Jerry.

Newman · Jerry:Newman confronts Jerry: 'Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy. It was good! I was enjoying it. Had to interfere, couldn't leave well enough alone. I will get even with you for this. You can count on it.'

Newman:Newman to Enzo: 'Once I find a barber, I stick with him. I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it.'

Enzo · Newman:Enzo to Newman: 'How you like a free haircut for six months? What's the catch? You're gonna get me a sample of Jerry's hair.'

Newman · Enzo:Hmm. That job sounds like it might be worth... a year's free haircuts. / And a comb.

Newman · Jerry:Newman comes to use Jerry's bathroom: 'My toilet's clogged.' 'You can't unclog it?' 'No.' 'Did you ask Kramer? He's out.' 'Number one? Yes, yes, yes. May I go?' 'Go ahead.' 'I gotta go very badly. Flush twice!'

Newman:Newman searches Jerry's bathroom for hair and finds the brush completely empty: 'There's no hair in this thing! I've never seen a person that didn't have at least one hair in a brush.'

Gino · Newman:Gino is watching Edward Scissorhands when Newman arrives and asks to watch: 'It's my favorite movie.' 'Yeah, all right.'

Enzo · Newman:Enzo's Edward Scissorhands review while getting Newman's hair sample: 'I tell ya, this... Scissorhands is a hell of a barber.' Then drops to pick up the hair: 'Oh, gee, I dropped a nickel.'

Newman · Enzo:It was a cinch. Where you going? Io voglio vendetta!

Newman · Helen:Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld. Hello, Newman.

Newman:Him and his buxom little friend, Rachel, were going at it pretty good in the balcony. What? Do I have to spell it out for you? He was moving on her like the stormtroopers into Poland.

Newman:Anyway, I just really came up to get some detergent. Jerry sends his laundry out. Oh, right. Well, it was nice seeing you folks. Oh, by the way, you didn't hear this from me. Ta-ta.

Newman · Helen:Newman witnesses the Schindler's List makeout and immediately reports to Jerry's mother. Newman: 'He was moving on her like the storm troopers into Poland.'

Newman · Helen:Helen: 'Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?' Newman: 'Yes. And a more offensive spectacle I cannot recall.'

Newman:Newman: 'Anyway, I just really came up to get some detergent. Jerry sends his laundry out. Oh, right. Well, it was nice seeing you folks. Oh, by the way, you didn't hear this from me. Ta-ta.'

Newman:Anyway, I just really came up to get some detergent. Jerry sends his laundry out. Oh, right. Well, it was nice seeing you folks. Oh, by the way, you didn't hear this from me. Ta-ta.

Jerry · Newman · Helen:Jerry and Newman's diner encounter. Newman: 'It's a powerful film.' Jerry: 'Yeah.' Newman: 'Shocking brutality, don't you think?' Jerry: 'Shocking.' Then Helen bursts in: 'Jerry! Jerry! Where the hell is your father?!'

Jerry · Newman:Jerry opens door: 'Hello, Newman.' Newman: 'Hello, Jerry.'

Newman:Newman spots Chunkys candy at Jerry's apartment and his eyes light up — 'Oh, Chunkys.'

Newman · Margaret · Jerry:Newman and Margaret awkwardly acknowledge they used to go out. Newman: 'Well, toodle-loo.'

Newman:Newman opens his door: 'Hello, Jerry. What a rare treat. What brings you down to the east wing?'

Newman:Newman to Jerry about Margaret: 'I need a really pretty face. But, hey, that's me.'

Newman · Jerry:Newman: 'Care for some lemonade?' Jerry: 'No, thank you.' Newman: 'Drop by anytime, Jerry.'

Newman · Babs Kramer:Hi, Newman. — Hi, Babs. What are you doing? — Minding my own business. — You can't get into trouble that way. — What makes you think I'm looking for trouble? — From what I hear, you postmen don't have to look too far.

Newman · Babs Kramer:Well, you know, sometimes it just has a way of finding you. — Cigarette? — Don't mind if I do.

Kramer · Babs Kramer · Newman:Ma! — Cosmo. — I'm sorry. We weren't... We didn't... — Cosmo?

Jerry · Newman:Hello, Newman.

Jerry · Newman:Don't look at me. / I'm looking right at you, big daddy.

Newman · Jerry:Hello, Jerry. May I come in? / What do you want? / Nothing. Just being neighbourly.

Newman:If you watch closely, you just might see me. I'll be the one waving to the camera from my seat on the 40-yard line.

Jerry · Newman:That's my ticket. / Is it? / Well, if only you'd known, you could have saved some time and given it directly to me.

Newman · Kramer:The bedroom. [Newman sneaking through Jerry's bedroom to access the Risk board]

Kramer · Jerry · Newman:Get him. / I see you, Newman. I see you. / I'm taking the Congo as a penalty.

Kramer · Newman:Too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, huh, Newman? / Yeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail, or it could be lights out for him.

Jerry · Kramer · Newman:Are you sure you know where the impound yard is? / Oh, stop stalling. Come on. / I-I can't think. There's all this noise.

Newman:Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland, I've driven you out of Western Europe, and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation?

Kramer · Newman:I still have armies in the Ukraine. / Yeah? The Ukraine. You know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.

Ukrainian Man · Kramer · Newman:I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak. / Yeah, we're playing a game here, pal. / Ukraine is game to you? How about I take your little board and smash!

Jerry · Newman:Hello, Newman. / Hello, Jerry. / Tim couldn't make it. He's in love. / Isn't that wonderful? / Oh, it's enchanting.

Newman:Great streak of luck I'm having. First Kramer almost beats me at Risk, but I narrowly escape. And then Tim Whatley gives me this Super Bowl ticket. Can you move over at all?

Newman:And then—just as I'm about to go—these boxes show up at the post office with no labels. No labels, Jerry. You know what that means? Freebies! I got this great mini TV and a VCR.

Newman · Jerry:It's unbelievable. / An inch. / Can you move over an inch? / Oh, come on.

Kramer · Newman:Newman appears, apparently having been walking nearby. Kramer shouts 'Hey, pig!' at what turns out to be a litterbug, but a cop hears it.

Kramer · Newman:Kramer points out a woman who 'never talks to anybody' in the coffee shop. Newman immediately says 'Oh, I spoke to Debby Biblow. She said to say hi.' — but it's clearly about the silent woman in the shop.

Newman:Newman mentions his car once belonged to Jon Voight.

Kramer · Newman:Kramer says the silent woman 'won't say a word to anybody.' Newman: 'Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack.' — Gary, wearing his new toupee, has apparently picked her up.

George · Newman:George says 'Oh look at this, there's no place to park around here. I don't know why they even sell cars here.' Newman responds: 'Don't complain. At least you have your health.'

Newman · Jerry:Hello, Jerry. What a pleasant surprise. — There's nothing pleasant about it. Just cut the crap.

Newman:Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.

Jerry · Newman:The flea psychological torture: Jerry methodically describes fleas crawling up Newman's legs and spine until Newman breaks and confesses.

Newman:All right, I've got them! I'm rife with fleas!

Newman:Oh, that feels good. [Newman scratching visibly and with great relief]

Jerry · Newman:Newman, let me have a bite of your Mackinaw. — What for? You got your own. — Come on, I need to taste it. — [Newman shares, Jerry bites] Nothing. I can't even taste a Mackinaw.

Newman:You can't taste them, why waste them? Why not give them all to me?

Newman:You can't taste them, why waste them? Why not give them all to me?

Jerry · Newman:Wait, Newman. Newman, wait. — Sorry. Last one. — But if you want to suck the pit...

Newman:Hello? Is anybody here...?

Newman:I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll bet there's not one type of mutt or mongrel I haven't run across. If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us. Vile, useless--

Newman:Well, Elaine... there's any number of things that I could do. But I can promise you this, though: this vicious beast will never bother you again.

Newman · Kramer:How much is that doggie in the window? / Will you shut up?

Jerry · Newman:No, I don't wear a watch. / Well, what do you do? / Well, I tell time by the sun. / How close do you get? / Well, I can guess within an hour.

Jerry · Newman:What about at night? What do you do then? / Well, night's tougher. But it's only a couple of hours.

Newman:Do you realize this is going to be on our permanent records? It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job.

Kramer · Newman:So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it. / Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Jerry · Kramer · Newman:I think he's gonna need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. / Mouth-to-mouth? / Yeah. / Well...go ahead. / You go.

Newman:No.

Newman:[Cut to Newman sitting in judgment]

Newman:Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle. And yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve the privilege of mail. Stuffing parcels in mailboxes where they don't belong. Newman!

Newman:But you must promise that you will abide by my decision...no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you.

Newman:Well, you both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance of reliability? These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man. But I have made a decision. We will cut the bike down the middle and give half to each of you.

Newman · Elaine · Kramer:We will cut the bike down the middle and give half to each of you. / What? This is your solution? To ruin the bike? / All right. Fine, fine. Go ahead. Cut the stupid thing in half. / No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belong to another than see it destroyed. / Newman, give it to her. I beg you.

Elaine · Kramer · Newman:What? This is your solution? To ruin the bike? / All right. Fine, fine. Go ahead. Cut the stupid thing in half. / No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belong to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her. I beg you. / Not so fast, Elaine. Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours.

Elaine · Newman:Hey, that's my bike. / Gangway. / This is my bike. / Oh, no. No, no, no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks. Can you believe it?

Newman:I had to make some minor modifications. Solid tires, reinforced seat post, heavy-duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.

Newman · Kramer:I've never seen you like this. / You don't wanna get on my bad side.

Newman:They got you too? This is awful. I'm not Newman.

Newman · Elaine · Jerry:Elaine, will you excuse us? / Oh, come on, Newman. / I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. If you don't mind? / Jerry-- / Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it.

Newman · Jerry:Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black-market showerheads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers. / Not from the footage I've seen.

Newman:They got you too? This is awful. I'm not Newman.

Newman · Jerry:Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black-market showerheads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers. Not from the footage I've seen.

Newman · Kramer · Showerhead Dealer:What are you looking for? Power, man, power. Like Silkwood. That's for radiation. That's right.

Kramer · Newman · Showerhead Dealer:Now, what is this? That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. No, that's what we want, the Commando 450. No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants. Just give it to us. We'll pay anything.

Kramer · Newman · Dealer:Now, what is this? / That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. / No, that's what we want, the Commando 450. / No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants. / Just give it to us. / We'll pay anything.

Kramer · Newman:What about Jerry? He couldn't handle that. He's delicate.

Kramer · Newman:[Kramer and Newman under the Commando 450 showerheads — visual gag implied by the ecstatic reaction beat following their acquisition]

Newman:Let me be perfectly blunt. I don't care for you, Costanza. You hang out on the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day...just laughing it up, wasting your lives.

Newman:And a slice of pepperoni pizza. And a large soda. And three times a week, I shall require a cannoli.

Newman:You know, I hear that Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic. I'd hate to see him when he's hungry.

Newman:Well, nice doing business with you. Do come again.

Newman:Well, I was dropping off the calzone money for the week.

George · Newman:Shouldn't you be at work by now? — Work? It's raining. — So? — I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.

Newman:I was never that big on creeds.

Newman · Kramer:You're not talking that Michigan deposit-bottle scam? No, I'm off that. You tried it? Oh, yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove me crazy.

Jerry · Kramer · Newman:You put your groceries under the hood of my car? Oh, that's right. We forgot about those. That's where my missing soda is. And your crab legs? And a thing of cheese? The AAA guy said I was close to sucking a muffin down the carburettor.

Newman:Damn. Oh, Mother's Day. Wait a second. Mother's Day. Yes!

Newman:On Valentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, we'll see some spillover into a fifth truck. Mother's Day. The mother of all mail days.

Newman · Kramer:And guess who's signed up for the truck? A free truck? Oh, boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down 50 percent.

Newman · Kramer:9999 bottles and cans in the truck / 9999 bottles and cans / At $0.10 a bottle and $0.10 a can / We're pulling in $500 a man

Kramer · Newman:How much gas we got? Three quarters of a tank. Better than we estimated. Seven dollars and 22 cents better. Oh, baby.

Newman · Kramer:Maybe we could stop for a snack. No, that's not in the budget. Well, the budget changed, you know. I mean, it might be a good investment. That's not a good investment. That's a loss.

Newman · Kramer:Hey, you see that car? It looks like Jerry's. I'm gonna check out that license plate. Yeah, those are New York plates. Is that Jerry's number? I don't know. But that's New York and we're in Ohio. Those are pretty good odds.

Newman:My planning, my genius, all for naught.

Kramer · Newman:Keep your foot on the gas. Hey, you're not dumping those bottles back there, are you? Kramer, those have wholesale value. We can cut our losses. Bottles below!

Newman · Kramer:I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing mailbags. Hey, wasn't that a pie stand back there? A pie stand? Oh, yeah. Homemade pies, 200 yards back. Oh, come on, pull over. Pull over, will you?

Newman · Kramer:I don't see any pie. Well, open the door. You'll get a better look. I don't see any pie. Kramer! I'm sorry, Newman, you were holding us back. Kramer!

Newman:Federal employee.

Newman:I'm a U.S. postal worker, and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods, mail-hating survivalists.

Farmer · Newman:That cider too strong for you? No, no, I love strong cider. I'm a big strong-cider guy.

Farmer · Newman:Gonna milk the Holsteins in the morning, if you'd lend a hand. You know, I don't know much about-- I don't think I know much about that. Susie will teach you. Just gotta pull on the teets a little. It's nice having a big, strong man around.

Newman:You know, those mailbags, they get mighty heavy. I Nautilus, of course.

Newman:Can I have some gravy?

Farmer · Farmer's Daughter · Newman:I told you to keep away from my daughter. No, Daddy, you'll hurt him. I love him. Goodbye, Norman! Goodbye!

Kramer · Newman:I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman. — Go on. — Well... she's Jerry's girlfriend.

Kramer · Newman:She works in a bookshop. Her name is Pam. — Pam. — I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching.

Newman:And therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that there is but one woman meant for each of us.

Newman · Kramer:One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth. Oh, that's beautiful, Newman. One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary workaday lives...

Newman:I can tell, for my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty whom I fear I will never possess.

Kramer · Newman:I thought we were talking about me. — Oh, right.

Newman · Kramer:Kramer, you have to confront Jerry. — Confront Jerry? I can't. — You must. — I won't. — You will. — 'Elaine, you gotta have a baby.'

Kramer · Newman:Oh, you got a little... You got... — I just had two double-fudge sundaes. — You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.

Newman:You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.

Kramer · Newman:So now he wants her more than ever. — Blast.

Newman:But love is a spice with many tastes, a dizzying array of textures and moments.

Newman:Your looks and my words will have built the perfect beast.

Kramer · Newman · Pam:Do I smell Pantene? — Pantene! — Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, yeah, you know, it is Pantene. I got a free sample of it in with my junk mail. — There really is no junk mail.

Newman · Kramer:It requires just as much manpower to deliver as their precious cards and... Newman. What? Human. Human. It's human to be moved by a fragrance.

Newman · Kramer:Her bouquet cleaved his hardened... Shell. — Shell. And fondled his muscled heart / He imbibed her glistening spell / Just before the other shoe fell.

Jerry · Newman:Hello, Newman. — Hello, Jerry. — How's Pam? — Pam? What do you care?

Jerry · Newman:Hello, Newman. / Hello, Jerry. / How's Pam? / Pam? What do you care?

Newman · Jerry:Steady, Jerry. Steady. Wouldn't wanna lose your cool at a time like this. — Why not? — Because right now, I'm the only chance you've got.

Jerry · Newman:I can't believe I'm losing Pam. — I know how you feel, for I too have a woman for whom I pine. — I thought we were talking about me. — Right.

Newman:Oh, don't you, joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused, nightclub rabble that lap up your inane 'observations'?

Jerry · Newman:Well, I know she doesn't wanna have kids. — I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it. — I know. I don't want... kids.

Jerry · Newman:'Hello, Newman.' / 'Hello, Jerry.' — Newman reveals himself as the postal inspector investigating the stereo claim

Newman · Jerry:Newman's good-cop/bad-cop interrogation: 'Pretty hot under these lights, huh, Seinfeld?' / 'Pretty hot.' / [pause] / 'Actually, I'm quite comfortable.'

Newman · Jerry:Newman's interrogation: 'Parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.' Jerry: 'Define rarely.' Newman: 'Frequently.'

Jerry · Newman:'Can I have a sip?' [of Newman's drink] / 'No.'

Newman · Jerry:'Is this or is this not your signature?' / 'No, as a matter of fact, it isn't.' / 'Uncle Leo'? / 'This case is closed pending further evidence.'

Newman:Newman re-opens investigation, presenting the original photo of Jerry hitting the stereo with a screwdriver: 'This doesn't look like a man who's happy with his stereo performance, now, does it?'

Newman:'Looks like you're breaking into it like an otter cracks open a clam.'

Newman · Jerry:Newman's villain monologue: 'How I've longed for this moment, Seinfeld. The day I would have the proof I needed to haul you out of your cushy lair and expose you to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile...' / 'Newman!'

Newman · Jerry:'There'll be a small fine.' / 'Okay.' / 'Can we go now?' / 'Not so fast, pretty boy.'

Newman · George · Jerry:Newman reveals George's shirtless seduction photos as 'evidence' of a 'mail-order pornography ring'

Jerry · Newman · Kramer:What's that, Rogers chicken? Oh, get that out of here. / I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird. / Yeah, but I'm boycotting.

Newman · Kramer · Jerry:It's the wood that makes it good. / Really? / Stop it. What's the matter with you?

Newman · Jerry:I love broccoli. It's good for you. / Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece. / Gladly.

Newman:Vile weed!

Newman:Yes! Yes, now, please, someone, honey mustard.

Newman:Sometimes we don't get what we want.

Newman:The most sought after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy sweet, you don't even have to lick the stamps.

Newman:Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail.

Newman:And yet it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.

Jerry · Newman:Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box like you told me, but sometimes it says, 'Photographs: Do not bend.' / Do not bend.

Newman:Just crease, crumple, cram. You'll do fine.

Jerry · Newman:How did they know? / Too many people got their mail. Close to 80 percent. / Nobody from the post office has ever cracked the 50-percent barrier. It's like the three-minute mile.

Jerry · Newman:I tried my best. / Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform.

Jerry · Newman:Jerry: 'You know, this is your coat.' Newman: 'Damn.'

Police Officer · Newman · Kurt:Well, well, well, look who's here. / Oh, man. / Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a known fugitive. / I'm not George Costanza. / Save it. We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go.

Newman:That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster.

Newman:Bugger.

Newman:Double bugger.

Newman:Oh, the humanity!

Newman:Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You want a lift?

Newman:'Come celebrate the millennium with "Newmannium."'

Newman:'Cancel? Think again, long shanks.'

Newman:'I started planning this in 1978. I put a deposit down on that restaurant that overlooks Times Square.'

Newman:'And I booked Christopher Cross.'

Newman · Kramer:The ice negotiation: 'What kind?' / 'Cubed.' / 'That's good stuff. And you can never have too much ice.'

Newman:'No Jerry. Jerry is not invited... For me, the next millennium must be Jerry-free.'

Newman:'It's 2000. Newmannium!'

Jerry · Newman:'Hello, Newman.' / 'Hello, Jerry.'

Newman:Newman immediately folds and invites Jerry back to the party after Jerry's Christopher Cross jab

Newman:'You don't want to do your act or anything, do you?' — Newman, while agreeing to let Jerry come to the Newmannium.

Newman · Kramer:The toast: 'To the Newmannium.' / 'To the Kramennium.'

Jerry · Newman:Jerry reveals the millennium doesn't start until 2001 because there was no year zero — making Newman's party 'one year late and thus quite lame'

Newman · Jerry:Hello, Jerry. / Hello, Newman. / You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us... and I say, why? Are we really so different? / I'm not the one doing the cooking. / Damn you, Seinfeld. You useless pustule.

Newman:Butter. / Kramer. / Butter. / Kramer. [Newman on rooftop, looking between the butter supply and Kramer]

Newman · Kramer:He bit me. Get off of me. / Get off me. [Newman attacking Kramer, apparently trying to eat him]

Newman:Newman scrutinizes Elaine: 'Are those the same shoes as yesterday's?'

Newman · Elaine:Elaine's hair is 'somewhat depoofed' — and she explains it as 'heroin chic'

Jerry · Newman · George · Elaine:The walk-of-shame deduction sequence: same clothes, same shoes, depoofed hair — 'You saw Puddy.' / 'Oh, hoochie-moochie.'

Jerry · Kramer · Newman:Well, they told me I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again. / You didn't get the blood from me. / Then who? / Hello, Jerry.

Newman:I'll handle this, Violet. Why don't you take your three-hour break?

Newman · Kramer:Oh, calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail. / Oh, yes, I am. / Well, what about your bills? / The bank can pay them. / The bank. / Then what about your cards and letters? / E-mail, telephones, fax machines, FedEx, Telex, telegrams. / Holograms.

Newman:Of course nobody needs mail. What, you think you're so clever, figuring that one out? But you don't know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.

Kramer · Newman:Here you go. Mail is evil. Pass it on. / Hey, mail blows. Fax it to a friend. / Why does this dummy have a bucket on his head? / Because we're blind to their tyranny. / Shouldn't you be wearing the bucket? / Yeah. Move along, Betty.

Newman · Kramer:You're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't be talking to you. I'm telling you as a friend. Here's how it's gonna happen. You may be walking, maybe on a crisp autumn day just like today, when a mail truck will slow beside you, the door will open. A mailman you know, maybe even trust, will offer to give you a lift. / Are you through? / No. / And no one will ever see you again. / Are you through? / Yes. / No, wait. / Okay, yes.

Newman · Kramer:Quick. Get in. / Oh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you said it was going down. / There's another way. It's going down now! / No, you said a mailman I know, and you're a mailman I know. / I know you know, but you don't know what I know.

Newman · Kramer:Good. He left the door unlocked. / Why did Kramer have to park the van in the woods? / Isn't it obvious? There are no parking meters out here.

Newman:Hoochie mama.

Kramer · Newman:Newman? / Tell the world my story.

Newman:She's got that Mattel football game we loved. You gotta get me over there.

Newman · Jerry · Kramer:I told you he was a risk. / Oh, like he's not just carrying you, and has been for years. / Yeah, well, you bombed. That story stunk worse than these chairs.

Newman · Kramer:What about a guest host? / I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Newman · Jerry:Go, girl. / Well, what kind of woman drinks an entire box of wine?

Newman:Thank you, FDR.

Newman · George/Jerry:All right, now we're even, huh? / I stuck a rock in there too. / I felt that.

George · Newman:This wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish, I drop dead. I win, I don't drop dead and I get 100 percent anti-drop-dead protection. / Forever.

George · Newman:Hello, FDR. / Yeah, I'll have a hot one. Everything on it. / These things will kill you. But so what? / You're already gonna drop dead.

Newman:Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy. [Newman says this a second time, apparently to himself]

George · Newman:We had a deal, Newman. You were supposed to give me your birthday wish. Now you've wasted it. / Did I?

Newman's girlfriend/Kramer's girlfriend · Kramer · Newman:Newman, I'm bored. / Does your girlfriend have to be here? / Does yours?

Newman:You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered... but registered mail is not necessarily certified. / I could listen to you talk about mail all day.

Newman:Anything you wish. / I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes. / They're meaningless.

Newman · Kramer:My last five birthday wishes came true. / Come on. Look, I'll give you my next birthday wish. / Your next 50 wishes. / Forty-eight. / Forty-nine. / Done. / Sucker. / Sucker.

Newman:This is the kind of day that almost makes you feel good to be alive.

Newman · Jerry:Newman is excited to have the office bathroom to himself now that 'the nerds in Accounting moved' — Jerry's unenthusiastic 'Yeah. Great.'

Kramer · Newman:To prevent an ambush. Yeah. Now, I can peek in and see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.

Kramer · Newman:Our policy is we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if somebody wants to help themselves to an eyeful, well, we say enjoy the show.

Newman:I'm homeless. I'm gonna be out on the street, dancing for nickels.

Newman:I'll be with the hobos eating out of a bucket.

Jerry · Newman:So you're sleeping with Silvio's wife? / Well, there's very little sleeping going on.

Newman · Jerry:Hey, what is that up that tree? / Man, that looks like a dead bear. / No. That's a fur coat. Hey, give me a boost.

Jerry · Newman:Where did you learn to climb trees like that? / The Pacific Northwest.

Newman:This is very much as I imagined it to be. / Aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place.

Newman · Elaine:This isn't about my opening your mail? / What? / I don't. Never have. Anything I read was already open.

Newman:Sorry, climber's keepers.

Elaine · Newman:Of all the men that I know, you're the only one who's held down a steady job for several years. / Well, it's interesting work. I don't mind it.

Newman:How I've waited for this moment. / But alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife. / And I have given the coat to her.

Newman:For I am in love with Svetlana. I don't care if the whole world knows except for Silvio, who'd throw me out of the apartment where I'd be dancing...

Silvio · Kramer · Newman:What kind of a man would wear fur? / Oh, lots of them. / Would you? / No. / Then who? / What about Jerry? / Jerry? / Yeah, sure. He's a celebrity. / Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate, insecure people.

Newman:Now, who's this Joe Mayo everyone's talking about?

Newman:And frankly, it sounds made-up.

Kramer · Newman:Kramer and Newman both assumed the OTHER one would pull the rickshaw.

Newman:Newman: 'Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.'

Kramer · Newman · Rusty:Rusty steals the rickshaw during the test run.

Newman:Newman: '85 percent of all homeless-rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.'

Kramer · Newman · Jerry:Kramer to Newman in Jerry's apartment: 'Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa.' / 'Goodnight, Jerry. Goodnight, Newman.'

Jerry · Newman:Jerry: 'Goodnight, Newman.' Newman: 'Goodnight, Newman.' — Newman accidentally says goodnight to himself

Kramer · Newman:Kramer and Newman debate who pulls the found rickshaw back uptown — 'it is a conveyance.'

Kramer · Newman:Kramer's counting-out rhyme: 'One spot, two spot, zigzag, tear, pop-dye, penny got, tennyum, tear... harum-scarum, rip them, tear them, te, ta, toe.'

Newman:Newman, already in the rickshaw being pulled by Kramer, demanding: 'Boy. Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling.'

Newman · Kramer:Newman, still in the rickshaw being pulled by Kramer past the bookstore: 'Fine your pace, boy. Chop chop.' / 'Well, I've hit the wall. I gotta take a break.' / 'Well, don't tarry, I'm behind schedule as it is.'

Kramer · Newman:Kramer collapses/can't continue — Newman calls 'Boy! Boy!' — and Kramer abandons the rickshaw.