The Bookstore

Jerry:Generic comedian opener that parodies his own style

Jerry:A bookstore? What am I gonna do, stand in the poetry section and wait for someone to ask me for a haiku? 'Excuse me, do you know where the self-help books are?' Yeah, I'm looking for the one that explains why I'm talking to you.

Jerry:Yeah, that's a great idea. Let's bring rickshaws to New York. What could possibly go wrong? We'll have guys running around in the heat pulling tourists. That's not going to end badly at all.

George:Who's Leo?

Jerry:That's my Uncle Leo.

George:Your uncle? How could you forget your own uncle's name?

Jerry:Well, I don't see him that often.

Elaine:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

Zach:Hi, I'm Zach.

Elaine:I'm Elaine, and you're making a huge mistake.

George:It's not ridiculous! A man reads a book in the bathroom, it's like a sacred bond between him and the book. You're alone, you're vulnerable, you're at your most honest.

Jerry:George, it's a book. Not a person.

George:Exactly! That's why it works. A book doesn't judge you. A book accepts you for who you are.

George:I'm telling you, the toilet is the most important invention of our time. You can sit there and read a book for hours.

Jerry:Yeah, well, Gutenberg had the same idea. He just called it the printing press.

Jerry:So Uncle Leo's a shoplifter. That's great. That's just what I needed to hear. My uncle, the criminal. I'm very proud.

Jerry:Why are you sleeping in my car?

Elaine:I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting my eyes.

Jerry:You've been in there for three hours.

Elaine:I'm tired. I had a very active evening last night.

Elaine:I can't believe I did that at the party. I was dancing on the table and everyone saw my underwear.

Jerry:That's a classic move. You've entered the pantheon of party legends.

Elaine:It's not funny, Jerry!

Jerry:No, no, it's actually very common. There's a whole workplace category for this: 'Dancing on furniture while intoxicated.' It's right up there with 'accidentally hitting send on an email to your boss.'

Jerry:So at office parties, there's always that one guy who gets drunk and starts doing things he shouldn't be doing.

Jerry:You know, like hitting on the boss's wife or telling everyone what he really thinks about them.

Jerry:Why is that? Why does alcohol give people permission to be themselves?

Jerry:Associate? What does that mean?

George:I'm an associate at my office.

Jerry:You're an associate? I'm an associate too!

George:Well, what do you associate with?

Jerry:I associate with you, and you associate with me. We're both associates.

George:This is great. We should get business cards made up.

Elaine:What am I going to do? Everyone saw me making out with that guy!

George:You just need to reframe it.

Elaine:Reframe it how?

George:Tell people you were practicing CPR.

Jerry:On his tonsils?

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry, this rickshaw business is going to be huge. I'm thinking about expanding to other cities.

Jerry:You don't even have a rickshaw.

Kramer:Well, not yet. But I've got connections.

Jerry:What connections? Who do you know in the rickshaw industry?

Kramer:People. I know people.

Jerry:You know people. Okay. And these people, they're in rickshaws?

Kramer:They could be.

Jerry:They could be. So you're basing your entire business plan on the possibility that people you may or may not know might possibly be involved in rickshaws.

Kramer:You know, you should be more supportive.

Jerry:I am supportive. I'm supporting you right out of the rickshaw business.

Kramer:Well? I'm waiting.

Newman:I'm waiting.

Kramer:What do you mean you're waiting? I thought you were pulling!

Newman:I thought YOU were pulling!

Newman:This is awkward.

Kramer:You know, if homeless people pulled rickshaws, they'd have a purpose. They'd be part of the economy.

Newman:Yeah! We could strap a little advertising sign to them. 'Newman's fruit company.' They get a few bucks, we get some free advertising!

Uncle Leo:I should be loaning you money.

Uncle Leo:But I'm not going to.

Uncle Leo:What? I was just borrowing it!

Jerry:You were stealing my newspaper!

Uncle Leo:That's no reason not to say hello. A simple 'hello' costs nothing.

Uncle Leo:Well, you know, we all do it. At our age, it's expected.

Uncle Leo:You see, I go into the store, I'm shuffling around, I can barely walk. I'm bumping into displays, knocking things over. The manager comes running over, 'Mr. Leo, can I help you?' I say, 'I can't find the prunes.' He's so busy helping me look for prunes, he doesn't even notice I've got three cashmere sweaters under my coat.

Uncle Leo:Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? I can't hear you, the line's breaking up.

Uncle Leo:What? What did you say? You're gonna have to speak up!

Uncle Leo:Oh, forget it! This is ridiculous!

Kramer:I need someone with real hustle, real drive. You gotta be in top physical condition. I'm not gonna have some out-of-shape bum pulling my rickshaw.

Kramer:Well, you gotta be very strong. You gotta have great leg muscles, a powerful heart... And you can't be afraid of death.

Jerry:What about clothes?

Kramer:Oh yeah, yeah, you gotta have some kind of loincloth situation going.

Homeless Man:I'm Rusty.

Kramer:Rusty? That's a nice name. You know, I had a horse named Rusty once.

Kramer:He was a big, strong animal... had a beautiful coat... you remind me of him.

George:So you're interested in the position?

Homeless man:Yeah, I need work.

George:Well, it's simple. You pull the rickshaw, customers sit in back, you get paid.

Homeless man:Sounds good. By the way, you got any pastrami?

George:I'd like to return this book.

Bookstore clerk:Do you have your receipt?

George:No, I don't have a receipt.

Bookstore clerk:Well, let me just scan it here and see what comes up.

Bookstore clerk:Hmm, that's odd. It says here this book was taken to the bathroom.

George:What? How could you possibly know that?

Bookstore clerk:It's all in the computer system. We track everything.

Security Guard:Code Blue, we have a Code Blue for Leo Costanza in the lobby.

Jerry:Wait, Code Blue? That's a heart attack!

Security Guard:No, no. He's just blocking the revolving door.

Jerry:Oh thank God... Wait, why is that a Code Blue?

Uncle Leo:You set me up! You're in cahoots with security!

Jerry:Uncle Leo, I just asked them to scare you a little.

Uncle Leo:Scare me? You conspired against me! This is a setup, a frame job!

Helen Seinfeld:Oh, don't be silly. Uncle Leo never robbed anyone. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Jerry Seinfeld:Mom, he was arrested three times.

Helen Seinfeld:So? A man with a past is a man with character. It's romantic!

Jerry Seinfeld:Ma, why do you steal things?

Helen Seinfeld:What do you mean steal? I'm not stealing. I'm just taking things that I need.

Jerry Seinfeld:You need a monogrammed towel from a hotel?

Helen Seinfeld:It's a good towel! What am I gonna do, leave it there for them to use again? It's already been used!

Jerry:According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, rickshaw operators have the highest suicide rate of any profession.

Newman:What are you gonna take? His cans?

Newman:This is it, Kramer. We ride at dawn.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah!

Newman:We'll search every corner of this city until we find that rickshaw. Nothing will stop us. Nothing!

Newman:I can see it now... two heroes, bound by fate, destined to recover what was lost.

Kramer:That's beautiful, man.

Newman:Of course, I'll probably be winded after two blocks, but the sentiment is there.

Jerry:You know, that reminds me of the time Superman saved that cat from a tree.

Uncle Leo:You know, I killed a man once. It was a crime of passion. I found him with my wife.

Uncle Leo:If I ever find another man with my wife, I'll kill him too.

George:Look, I'll sell it to you for five bucks.

Bookstore Employee:We can't sell this book. It's been damaged.

George:Damaged? It's got character! It's got history! Someone's gonna want this book.

George:How about three bucks?

Kramer:A book? A book came in here contaminated?

Kramer:We're gonna need a quarantine. We're gonna need to get some sort of... some sort of containment system set up here.

Kramer:This whole place is a biohazard! We could all be infected!

Elaine:Oh, so you're too sophisticated to read in the bathroom? What, you just sit there and think about world events?

Peterman:The relationship between a man and a woman in the workplace is not about romance, it's about the poetry of human connection. It's about two people finding solace in the fluorescent-lit corridors of commerce.

Peterman:He's addicted to heroin. Horse. Smack. The devil's candy. Nose clams. Snooze buttons.

Peterman:You know, in my day, we had a name for men like that. We called them 'Scum.' But that was before my time in the Amazon. While I was down there, I picked up some local parlance. They have a word for infidelity... it's 'Zach.'

Peterman:The first 24 hours of withdrawal are the worst. You'll experience violent mood swings, tremors, and an uncontrollable urge to urinate.

Peterman:My advice? Wear dark pants.

Elaine:First, you gotta get the stain out of the carpet. Then you need to call a plumber because the pipes are gonna be all clogged up with... stuff. And whatever you do, don't use the shower for at least a week.

Newman:I'm not lazy, Kramer. I'm energy efficient.

Newman:Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go, eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Kramer:What are you doing?

Newman:I'm counting out! You pull the rickshaw.

Newman:Faster! Faster! I'm going to be late for my shift at the post office!

Kramer:I'm pulling as fast as I can, Newman!

Newman:Well, pull faster! This is unacceptable! I could have walked faster than this!

Newman:And another thing - it's too bumpy! Smooth it out!

Kramer:Newman, there's only so much I can do here!

Newman:That's what I'm talking about! No initiative! No drive! You're fired!

George:So Rebecca DeMornay is here tonight, right?

Rebecca DeMornay:It's DeMornay. De-Mor-nay.

George:That's what I said.

Rebecca DeMornay:No, you said DeMorney. I'm Rebecca DeMornay.

Jerry:So what, we're supposed to help every homeless person we see?

George:I'm not equipped for this. I can barely help myself.

Kramer:Actually, I've got a business idea. Newman and I are starting a rickshaw service.

Jerry:A rickshaw service? With Newman?

Kramer:Yeah, we pull people around the city. It's good exercise, we help the environment, and we make money.

George:That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Kramer:Kramer: 'We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his other bag of cans.'

Elaine:You know, I've been thinking about this whole thing. All those bad dates, all those terrible relationships... I could turn this into something.

Jerry:Turn it into what?

Elaine:A business! I'll write a book: 'The Relationship Disaster Guide.' Or maybe seminars. 'How to Date Badly and Live to Tell About It.'

Jerry:So you're going to profit off your own misery?

Elaine:Exactly! Everyone else does. Why shouldn't I?

Newman:I'm exhausted! I need a break!

Kramer:You? You're not even pulling anything!

Newman:Well, I'm supervising. That's very demanding work.

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You're gonna steal a book, and then return it to the library?

George:That's right.

Jerry:And that way you get to read it for free, and the library thinks you found it?

George:Exactly!

Bookstore manager:We have a special senior citizen discount.

Bookstore manager:It's called 'shoplift and get 20% off.'

Uncle Leo:You threw me under the bus!

Uncle Leo:Uncle Leo, upon seeing the bathroom book on Jerry's table: 'French Impressionism. Oh, I love this.' — and starts browsing it.

Uncle Leo:Leo tries to sell the bathroom book to Jerry: 'You know, I could let it go for say a hundred and twenty-five.'

George:'Biohazard, coming through. Clear. Clear.' — George announcing the book like hazmat material.

Peterman · Elaine:Peterman asking what Elaine reads in the bathroom — she says 'I don't read in the bathroom.' Peterman: 'Well, aren't you something?'

Peterman:Peterman euphemism: 'nibble on a love newton'

Peterman:Peterman: 'He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinamen's nightcap.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'And in a tiny way I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles... filled his head with pseudo-erotic tales of my own opium excursions. Plus, I gave him phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'And in a tiny way I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles... filled his head with pseudo-erotic tales of my own opium excursions. Plus, I gave him phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'Damn it, Elaine, that wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'No buts, Elaine, or I will strip you of your associate status.'

Peterman:Peterman: 'Oh, P.S...the first 24 hours are the worst. Better bring a poncho.'

Jerry:Fantasy/nightmare montage of voices: 'It was a crime of passion. If anyone betrays me, I never forget. He won't last a day in prison.'

Uncle Leo:Uncle Leo calling Jerry: 'Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Answer the damn phone.'

Jerry · Elaine:Cross-cut: Jerry asking 'You're not feeding him, are you?' as Elaine nurses Zach through withdrawal, while Kramer talks about the rickshaw.

Elaine:Elaine shouting at Zach: 'I told you, away from the curtains. Away.' / 'Use your bucket.'

Kramer · Newman · Jerry:Kramer to Newman in Jerry's apartment: 'Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa.' / 'Goodnight, Jerry. Goodnight, Newman.'

Jerry · Newman:Jerry: 'Goodnight, Newman.' Newman: 'Goodnight, Newman.' — Newman accidentally says goodnight to himself

Kramer · Newman:Kramer and Newman debate who pulls the found rickshaw back uptown — 'it is a conveyance.'

Kramer · Newman:Kramer's counting-out rhyme: 'One spot, two spot, zigzag, tear, pop-dye, penny got, tennyum, tear... harum-scarum, rip them, tear them, te, ta, toe.'

Newman:Newman, already in the rickshaw being pulled by Kramer, demanding: 'Boy. Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling.'

George · Rebecca DeMornay:George trying to donate the bathroom book to charity — confronted by Rebecca DeMornay who notices it's flagged.

Rebecca DeMornay:Rebecca DeMornay: 'Mister, we're trying to help the homeless here. It's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap them to a rickshaw.'

Rebecca DeMornay · George:Rebecca DeMornay: 'You get your toilet book out of here and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain.' George: 'I could take it in merchandise.'

George:George: 'So this book will tell me how to get puke out of cashmere?' — buying a book about stain removal.

Elaine · George:Elaine: 'He's clean and I'm the office hero.' George: 'You're better at fake relationships than real ones.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'I even got an idea out of it. The detox poncho.'

Newman · Kramer:Newman, still in the rickshaw being pulled by Kramer past the bookstore: 'Fine your pace, boy. Chop chop.' / 'Well, I've hit the wall. I gotta take a break.' / 'Well, don't tarry, I'm behind schedule as it is.'

Kramer · Newman:Kramer collapses/can't continue — Newman calls 'Boy! Boy!' — and Kramer abandons the rickshaw.

Kramer:Kramer: 'Well, this is the first day of the rest of my life.' (after abandoning the rickshaw)

George:George's new plan: steal a different copy of the book from the store, then return it for his money back — 'That way, everything is even.'

Jerry:Jerry to George: 'You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back, and to you that's even.'

Jerry · Bookstore Manager:The bookstore manager reveals: 'I have to make an example of someone.' Jerry: 'So it could be anyone?' Manager: 'As long as we catch him in the act.'

George:George: 'Oh, Jerry!' — as he's being swarmed.

Uncle Leo:Uncle Leo: 'Jerry.' [accusatory, as George is arrested — mirroring Leo's own arrest and accusation]