The Frogger

Elaine:We're having cake for Walter's birthday.

Jerry:Walter's birthday? Every day is somebody's birthday.

Elaine:So?

Jerry:So we'd be having cake every day. That's not a celebration, that's a meal.

Jerry:Wait, so your birthday is on the last day of the year?

Elaine:Yes, December 31st.

Jerry:That's rough. You share your birthday with New Year's Eve.

Elaine:I know! Everyone's already celebrating.

Jerry:So which Walter were we talking about?

Elaine:There's more than one Walter.

Jerry:More than one Walter? How many Walters are there?

Elaine:There's Walter the doorman, Walter from accounting, and Walter my ex-boyfriend.

Jerry:That explains everything.

Elaine:I'm taking a sick day. I'm sick of people.

George:You know, I was reading about this study... they're saying that tomato sauce, the acidity, it's actually bad for your teeth at night. So really, Jerry, you're making a mistake.

Kramer:Do not cross. Do not cross.

Kramer:Nobody crosses Kramer!

Jerry:Who are these people? Where do you know them from?

Kramer:Oh, they're just some friends I know.

Jerry:But I've never seen them before. Don't you have any normal friends?

Kramer:These are normal! You just don't know them because they don't know you.

Jerry:What does that mean, they don't know me?

Kramer:Well, you don't know them either. It's mutual.

Jerry:The police just gave you the tape?

Kramer:Well, I may have rifled through some evidence.

Kramer:The Lopper? He's a serial killer. Decapitates his victims.

Jerry:Decapitates them? What is he, some kind of maniac?

Kramer:Well, yeah, but he's very polite about it.

Jerry:So what are they calling him?

Kramer:Well, they can't agree on a name. One detective wants to call him 'The Subway Slasher,' another wants 'The Platform Perpendicular.'

Jerry:That's not even a real name.

Kramer:I know! And then there's 'The Turnstile Terminator,' 'The MetroCard Murderer'...

Jerry:These are terrible.

Kramer:My favorite is 'The Token Killer.'

Kramer:Son of Dad.

Jerry:Son of Dad?

Kramer:Yeah!

George:Mario, it's me, George. We went to high school together. Remember?

Mario:George? No, I don't remember you.

George:We hung out all the time. We were friends.

Mario:Look, I don't remember you. And honestly, my business is failing anyway, so I wouldn't be much help to you.

Mario:Oh sure, two slices and two sodas. That'll save the whole restaurant.

Jerry:Hey, every little bit helps.

George:Giddy up! Come on, move it!

Mario:It's dangerous to go alone! Take this.

George:What are you doing? Get out of here!

Mario:You cannot pass.

George:I'm trying to play the game!

George:I'm very angry. I'm disgusted. I'm sweaty. I'm hungry. My shirt is half-unbuttoned. My hair is matted to my forehead. I haven't shaved in three days. I smell. I'm absolutely repellent. I'm George Costanza. I'm here to play Frogger.

Jerry:He's not happy.

Jerry:This pen smells really bad. Why do I keep smelling it? Why can't I stop? It smells terrible, but I keep bringing it up to my nose.

George:That's the thing about bad smells. You can't help yourself. You have to keep smelling them to confirm they're still bad.

Jerry:I know! It's like I'm compelled to do it. Like some kind of smell disorder.

Coworkers:Get well soon, get well soon, we want you to get well!

Elaine:It's not a real song! You're just saying stuff!

Elaine:What is this? A get-well cake for someone who was sick?

Jerry:Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Elaine:We're celebrating illness! We're saying 'Congratulations on your influenza!'

Jerry:It's a nice gesture.

Elaine:It's insane! Next thing you know we'll be throwing parties for people with broken legs.

Elaine:It's just cake! Why do we have to make such a big deal about it? It's just flour, eggs, and sugar mixed together with frosting.

Elaine:You're celebrating nothing! Someone had a birthday? Congratulations, you're one year closer to death. Here, have some cake.

Coworker:Can we still eat it?

Jerry:So I was thinking about going to the movies tonight...

Lisi:...and catching a flick!

Jerry:Well, yes, but I was also considering maybe getting some dinner first...

Lisi:...at a nice restaurant with your mother!

Jerry:No, no, that's not... I was thinking of going alone, actually, and maybe meeting up with some friends...

Lisi:...to discuss your feelings about commitment!

Jerry:You know what? Forget it. I'm just gonna stay home and watch TV.

Lisi:...while wearing a dress and high heels!

Jerry:So, um, I had a really nice time tonight, but I don't think we should see each other again.

Lisi:Oh, I completely understand. So, next Saturday at eight?

George:I'm getting that Frogger machine out of there before they throw it away.

Jerry:George, you can't just take the machine.

George:Why not? It's just sitting there. I'll put it in my apartment, relive some glory days.

Jerry:And what are you going to do when you beat the high score again? Move on to Pac-Man?

George:I'm going back there, I'm getting it out, and I'm taking it home with me.

Jerry:You're going to try to move a Frogger machine by yourself?

George:It's not that heavy.

Jerry:It weighs four hundred pounds. It's an arcade machine from 1981.

George:Do you know what this means? Do you know what this means? I'm never going to get that machine out of here. I'm going to die in this arcade. My high score is going to be lost forever. All those hours, all that quarters... wasted. WASTED!

Kramer:The guy looked just like you.

Jerry:What do you mean he looked like me?

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry. Same hair, same face, same everything.

Jerry:So what are you saying?

Kramer:I'm saying there's a serial killer out there targeting Jerry-types.

Jerry:That's not funny, Kramer.

Kramer:I'm not trying to be funny. You could be next.

George:Look, I'm not getting any younger. My high score on Frogger is the only thing I've got going for me. That's my legacy. Without it, what am I? Nothing. Just another guy who never accomplished anything.

Kramer:Yeah, we had a little disagreement about the nickname.

Jerry:It's like that game Concentration. You know, where you flip over the cards and you try to match them? That's what dating Lisi is like. I'm flipping over cards, looking for a match, and every time I think I found one, it's just another picture of a clown.

Elaine:I can't believe I said those things about cake parties. I was so wrong.

Boss:You know what, Elaine? I'm having some people over this weekend. Gourmet food, fine wine, imported chocolates.

Elaine:That sounds wonderful.

Boss:Yeah, well, you're not invited. But there will be cake in the break room on Tuesday.

Elaine:This is it. This is the cake. Peterman's special cake.

Elaine:I'm just going to take a little piece. He'll never notice.

Elaine:Look at me. I'm having a cakewalk. Literally a cakewalk.

Peterman:What is this? Some kind of... collective emotional outpouring? How pedestrian. How utterly devoid of sophistication. I once knew a man in Morocco who expressed his deepest feelings through the interpretive dance of a wounded flamingo. Now THAT was art. This... this is just people making noise with their mouths.

Peterman:The doctors found a polyp. A polyp, Elaine! A malignant polyp.

Peterman:Walt's in the hospital. They're going to have to remove it.

Peterman:That little bastard!

Peterman:I've acquired something quite extraordinary for the J. Peterman catalog.

Peterman:A 60-year-old cake from the wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Windsor.

Peterman:I paid $29,000 for it.

Jerry:I was terrified! There's a serial killer out there. I thought, you know, if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die happy.

Elaine:I just realized something. I've been eating the same thing for lunch every day for the past two weeks.

Jerry:What?

Elaine:A marble rye from Zabar's. The whole thing. Every single day.

Jerry:You ate a marble rye? A whole marble rye?

Elaine:Yes!

Jerry:That's not lunch, that's a cry for help.

Elaine:It was a beautiful cake. Very romantic. Two little figures on top, you know, embracing. It was like a fairy tale.

Jerry:So what happened?

Elaine:Well, we took a bite. It tasted like a sponge.

Jerry:A sponge?

Elaine:A sponge! Sixty years old, Jerry. Sixty years! They could've at least had the decency to make it taste good.

Jerry:Random ostrich meat observation

Jerry:So where are you going this weekend?

Lisi:I'm going to the Poconos.

Jerry:The Poconos? That's a couples destination. How serious is this relationship?

Lisi:We've been dating for three months.

Jerry:Three months? That's a weekend bed and breakfast trip. The Poconos is six months minimum. You're going too fast.

Jerry:I'm not going to that neighborhood. It's not safe.

George:What are you talking about? It's fine. You're being paranoid.

Jerry:George, people get mugged there all the time.

George:So what? You're white, you'll blend right in.

George:We need to assemble a team. We'll need a driver, someone to watch for cops, and a lookout inside the arcade.

George:This is serious business. My Frogger score is the only thing I have left.

George:Do you know how much it costs to move an arcade machine? Two hundred dollars!

George:Two hundred dollars! For a video game!

Elaine:I'm at the royal wedding, I'm very prim and proper. 'Oh, what a lovely ceremony.' But then I see the cake... 'No, no, I shouldn't. I'm in front of the Queen.' But it's calling to me... 'Just one bite.' And then suddenly I'm like a wild animal, cake all over my face, the Queen is horrified, and I'm just going 'Mmm, mmm, so good!'

George:You know, you're like a rogue electrician. You come in here, you do your work, nobody knows what you're doing, you leave. Very mysterious.

George:You know, you're a pretty good driver.

Shlomo:Thank you.

George:I mean, you're okay. Not great, but okay.

George:Actually, you know what? You're mediocre at best.

Kramer:You know, Pete, I ordered a bride from a catalog once.

Slippery Pete:Yeah? How'd that work out?

Kramer:Well, we made out for a while, but then she wanted to actually get married.

Slippery Pete:That's the problem with mail-order brides.

George:Wait, so what you're saying is... this is all completely legal?

Slippery Pete:Totally legal. We checked with a lawyer.

Shlomo:A lawyer? Great. So we're not criminals.

George:Well, that's... that's disappointing.

Slippery Pete:I can't believe you won't let me steal anything. I'm a thief, George. It's what I do.

George:Look, Pete, I appreciate your... talents, but we agreed - no stealing from my apartment.

Slippery Pete:Just one thing. One small thing. I'm going crazy here.

George:Fine. Fine! Take the salad bowl. Just take the salad bowl and get it out of your system.

Slippery Pete:Really?

George:Yes, really. Go ahead. Steal it. Be happy.

George:An outlet is a place where you plug things in to get electricity.

Shlomo:A hole.

George:Wait, you put the video game right next to the bathroom?

George:That's a nightmare! You're playing Mario, you gotta use the bathroom, you lose your quarters, your game, everything!

George:It's like they *want* people to fail.

Elaine:Do you have anything older? I'm looking for a vintage cake.

Baker:Vintage? It's a cake, not a 1952 Chardonnay.

Elaine:Well, can't you just make it look old? Crack the frosting a little, maybe some mold?

Baker:Lady, I don't think you understand how a bakery works.

Kramer:It's not a lie if you believe it.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

Kramer:Yeah.

George:The key to eating an Entenmann's cake in the outside trash is— the key is to throw it out first, so it gets messed up on top. Then it's not as appealing to look at. See, 'cause the presentation, it's not as nice.

Kramer:It's in the trash.

George:But it's not that bad.

Jerry:Fine! Fine, you got me. I did it all on purpose. I was sitting at home thinking, 'How can I ruin this woman's day?' So I came up with the coffee thing, the coat thing, and the thing with the thing. I'm a supervillain. My secret lair is that apartment on the Upper West Side. I have a cat and everything.

Jerry:You know what your problem is? You're a very shallow person. And I mean that as a compliment.

Jerry:It's gotten dark. We've been breaking up all day.

Jerry:What was that sound? Oh my God, what if it's a burglar? What if it's a murderer?

Jerry:You know what, I've been thinking about us, and I was wrong. I don't want to break up. Let's give it another shot.

Lisi:We're going to Pennsylvania Dutch country.

Jerry:Pennsylvania Dutch? What is that, like a medieval theme park?

Lisi:No, it's Amish people. They dress like it's the 1600s.

Jerry:So they DO live like it's a medieval theme park.

Peterman:This cake has a long and storied history. It was baked in 1912 for the Kaiser himself. The baker, a man of questionable political leanings, was known to have sympathies that... well, let's just say they weren't always aligned with the right side of history. But the cake itself was magnificent.

Peterman:Well? What is it? What's the appraisal?

Lubeck:This cake is a supermarket cake. It's worth $2.19.

Peterman:$2.19?!

Peterman:Where does Entenmann's come from?

Lubeck:It's a bakery. They make cakes and pastries.

Peterman:I thought it was a European castle, like Windsor Castle.

Lubeck:No, it's a grocery store display case.

George:What are you doing?! You can't just play around with this! Do you have any idea what's at stake here?

George:This is a classic arcade game. A piece of history! And you're treating it like it's some kind of toy!

George:We could lose the high score. Everything we worked for could be gone in an instant.

George:I need an outlet. Where am I gonna plug this in?

Kramer:Why don't you just use one of Shlomo's holes?

George:What holes? What are you talking about?

Kramer:You know, the holes in the wall. That's what Shlomo calls them - his holes.

George:Those aren't holes, Kramer, those are outlets!

Kramer:Well, Shlomo calls them holes.

George:You know, it's like Frogger. You've got to time it just right. I was very good at Frogger.

Jerry:Yeah, well, you know the difference between Frogger and real life? In Frogger, you get another quarter.

George:I can do this. I can definitely do this.

Observer:He's hoppin' across the street like a frog.

Jerry:Well, he's playing Frogger. What do you want him to do, walk like a normal person?

Arcade Machine:Game over.

Peterman:The surveillance system caught Walter using my private bathroom.

Peterman:But that's not all it caught. It also captured Elaine eating my cake.

Elaine:I was hungry!

Peterman:In my office. On camera. My cake.

Peterman:Is the cake still with Elaine?

Elaine:Yes, she's got it.

Peterman:A 60-year-old cake... I don't even want to think about what that's going to do to her digestive system.

Peterman:Do you know what old cake does to the human body?

Employee:No, sir.

Peterman:Neither do I. But I have a feeling we're about to find out.

Peterman:...one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathisers of the entire British royal family.

Peterman · Lubeck:All right, Lubeck, how much is she worth? / I'd say about 219. / Two hundred and nineteen thousand dollars. / Lubeck, you glorious tit-willow, you just made me a profit of $190,000. / No. $2.19. It's an Entenmann's.

Peterman · Lubeck:Do they have a castle in Windsor? / No, they have a display case at the end of the aisle.

Peterman · Elaine · Coworkers:Oh, good Lord. / You all right, Peterman? You look ill. / Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well.

Kramer · Slippery Pete:Eat the fly. Eat the fly. Got it.

George · Kramer:You idiots. You're gonna wear down the battery. / Oh, the batteries are fine. We've got... oh, God, only three minutes left.

George · Slippery Pete:All right, Kramer, you block off traffic. You two, go sweet-talk the pharmacist. / You owe me a quarter.

Kramer:I'm out. No tape left.

George · Jerry:Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. / I can do this. / By yourself? / Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Passerby · Passerby 2:He looks like a frog. / So do you.

Narrator/Game:Game over.

Peterman:Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.

Peterman:I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books. The Entenmann's shim sham.

Peterman:Is the item still... with you?

Elaine:As far as I know.

Peterman · Elaine:Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly-ventilated English basement? / I guess I hadn't... / I have a feeling what you are about to go through is punishment enough. / Dismissed.

Peterman:Dismissed.