Elaine Benes

Elaine:I'll eat out.

Jerry · Elaine:Oh, the actress/waitress. — No. The waitress/actress.

Elaine:So now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing [A Chorus Line song implied]... She's gonna get it, right in the...

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry says he can't think about the apartment — 'I'm going to Minneapolis.' Then the scene cuts to the apartment already ransacked.

Elaine:Elaine sits alone in Jerry's apartment — long awkward beat before Jerry returns

Elaine:Well, I got caught up watching a soap opera. Bold and the Beautiful.

Elaine:I'm living with Ethel Merman without the talent.

Jerry · Elaine:I don't have any plants. — I have plants.

Elaine:Jerry, look at this closet. Look at this. I'm walking in it. It's a walk-in. Can you believe it? I'm nuts about this.

Elaine:Excuse me. I don't mean to cause any trouble, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?

Elaine:Elaine is asked for her opinion on the coin dispute — 'I better not.'

Jerry · Elaine:What apartment? — Oh, it's a great place. It's a two-bedroom, West 83rd, half-block from the park. — What's the rent?

Elaine:My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carousel.

Elaine · Jerry:'He was really crying?' / 'I gave him tissues.' / 'Tears, accompanied by mucus.'

Elaine · George:Elaine: 'I'll call his machine and make some excuse.' George: 'If you're going to lie, tell him you lost both tickets. Then we can go.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'George, the man wept.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine discovers Jerry's written excuse list: 'Picking someone up at airport, jury duty, waiting for cable company.' Then: 'What is this?' Jerry explains it's a cheat sheet to avoid Horneck.

Elaine:Elaine suggests better excuses: 'You ran out of underwear and can't leave the house.' Then: 'You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality. You're not even you. You're Dan.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'You made a man cry? I never made a man cry.' Then: 'I kicked a guy in the groin once, and he didn't cry.'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer: 'He's really into my pizza place idea.' Elaine: 'That sounds like a great idea. It would be fun.'

Joel · Jerry · Elaine:Joel reveals he thought Jerry was tutoring his nephew, Elaine calls him on it: 'I thought you were tutoring your nephew.' / Jerry: 'Oh, we finished early.'

Jerry · Elaine · Joel:Joel corners Jerry and Elaine: 'Next week, I'm going to take you. How about next Tuesday? You, too.' Jerry and Elaine improvise: 'Choir practice.' / 'Right, I forgot about choir.' / 'We're doing an evening of Eastern European national anthems. Right. You know, the wall being down and everything.'

Joel · Jerry · Elaine:Joel: 'You know, I should try something like that.' Jerry/Elaine: 'You really should.'

Joel · Jerry · Elaine:Joel produces a printed Knicks schedule and begins reading through ALL 41 home games, trapping Jerry and Elaine.

Elaine:I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldn't find it. I was literally on my knees for 10 minutes looking for this stupid grape.

Elaine:I finally meet a normal man and I can't even go into his apartment. Of course, my apartment is The Actors' Studio, so we can't go there.

Elaine:What do you know this woman, a month? You're gonna be with her 72 hours, that's a dating decathlon.

Elaine:Why don't you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? That really charming place with the separate faucets for the hot and cold.

Jerry · George · Elaine · Waitress:All right, all right. I'll have the chicken salad. [Beat] And I'm gonna have an English muffin with margarine on the side, and a cup of coffee. [Beat] Okay, what about you? I'll have the tuna.

Elaine · Jerry:What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?

Elaine:What do you think, Jerry, you wanna make 28 bucks?

Elaine:How about we go over there right now and we shave them?

Elaine · Jerry:He actually went to the hospital? Yeah. Man, he's nuts. Yeah, he's nuts. You wanna bump off a couple of cats.

Jerry · Elaine:Is that still from those cats? No. I just got a cold. Whatever happened with that? I gave him an ultimatum. He chose the cats?

Elaine:They're very clean animals.

Elaine:Told you those trips are relationship-killers.

Elaine:No, I don't want to sit in back. I'll be left out of the conversation. I'll have to stick my chin on top of the seat.

Elaine · George · Jerry:Why can't you sit in the middle? — Please. It doesn't look good. Boy, boy, girl. — I think you're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't you? — Is it that obvious?

Elaine · Jerry:Did you get a haircut? — Nope. Shower.

Elaine:My little airplane lamp.

Elaine · Jerry:You have the slowest elevator in the entire city. — That's hard to get used to when you're on so many fast ones. — Apartment elevators are always slower than offices because you don't have to be home on time. — Unless you're married to a dictator.

Elaine · Jerry:I imagine at some point somebody's gonna offer me some cantaloupe? — No. No good.

Elaine:Well, you know what they say, lucky in love, unlucky with fruit.

Manya · Elaine:Can't dance? / He's kidding, Manya.

Jerry · Elaine:What about ponies, huh? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies. Oh, I know. I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.

Jerry · Manya · Elaine:The silent beat after 'I had a pony' — Jerry's stunned non-response before he tries to walk it back.

Elaine · Helen:Should we have some coffee? / Who's having coffee?

Elaine:I actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation.

Elaine · Jerry:How long does a funeral take? / Depends on how nice the person was...but you gotta figure even Oswald took 45 minutes.

Jerry · Elaine:Well, is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can't you have coffee with people?

Jerry · Elaine:Me? What about you? You brought up the pony. / Oh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone who had one.

Elaine · George:Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that? / If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe...you think she'll be at Drexler's Funeral Home on Ocean Parkway?

Elaine · George:Fifty years they were married. Now he's moving to Phoenix. / Phoenix? What's happening with his apartment?

Jerry · Elaine:I always felt he deserved a wider audience. / I'm not so sure he wants one.

Elaine:Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits.

Jerry · Elaine:How much is it? / Oh, my God.

Jerry · Elaine:Bad? / Very bad? / You have no idea. / I have some idea. / No idea. / I've got a ballpark. / There's no park... and the team has relocated.

Elaine:Kramer. That Kramer. / He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes so he can pick up these birds. / I am sitting in his car for 20 minutes! / Then a cop comes by. Tells me to get out of the car. He's a city marshal. He's towing the car away. / Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was gonna tow it with me in the car.

Elaine:He said he was getting instructions, that each dove has a different diet. So we're wandering around, trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out. Now we're running after these doves. I almost got hit by a bus.

Elaine · Jerry · George:So how is everything going over here? / Great. / Couldn't be better.

Jerry · Elaine · George:You know better than to get involved with Kramer. / He said he'd give me a lift. / The lift. Like the lure of the Siren's song. Never what it seems to be. / Yet who among us can resist?

Elaine:Where do you come up with this stuff?

Alton · Elaine:Who's the lipstick for? / No one. / How's your mother? / Fine. / How about you, are you working? / Yeah. I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you 10 times. / Pendant? Those bastards.

Elaine · Jerry · George:It's snowing. / It's beautiful. / Snow? / Snow, that can't be good for suede, can it? / I wouldn't think so.

Elaine · Jerry:Why don't you turn it inside out? / Inside out. Great.

Elaine:I didn't wanna tell you this, but usually he hates everyone.

Elaine:Yeah, he liked you, though. Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea.

Elaine:Dad thinks George is gay.

Elaine · Jerry:Values are important. / So important.

Elaine:I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean. Germs were building a town in there. They were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.

George · Jerry · Elaine:Coffee is sex. — Maybe coffee was coffee. — Coffee's coffee in the morning, not at 12:00 at night. Some people drink coffee that late. — Yeah, people who work at NORAD who are on 24-hour missile watch.

Elaine · George:All she'll think is that you like her. — That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. She wants you to like her. — Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like me.

Elaine:I don't know what your parents did to you.

Jerry · Elaine:Sure, it hurts sometimes to give and give and give... / Would you please?

Jerry · Elaine:The repeated 'No! / Yes. / No! You didn't! / Yes. I did.' exchange, escalating to 'Get out!' at $400/month.

Elaine · Jerry:We're neighbours. I'll be here all the time! / All the time. [Jerry's repeated dead response]

Elaine:I have $75 left in my account. [delivered by Elaine as she hands over the checks for first month, last month, and security deposit]

Elaine:Winston Churchill said, 'Why stand when you can sit?' Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Kramer barges in and immediately pressures Jerry to loan Elaine the $5,000, turning a private conversation public and forcing Jerry's hand.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Jerry, you don't have $5000 you can lend her? / Yeah, well, I didn't... I mean... / Is that something you want to borrow?

Elaine · Jerry:I'll take it! / No.

Elaine's boss/editor · Elaine · Jerry:'Where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer, I got a flight.' / 'He's probably caught in traffic.' / 'Or maybe he's dead.'

Ray · Jerry · Elaine:'Do you take sugar? / No. / No.' — casual tea conversation cutting through Jerry's quiet panic about the stolen statue

Elaine · Ray:'I just remembered, I'm...getting a facial. Oh, I'll see you tomorrow morning.' / 'How about dinner?' / 'No, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for suckers.'

Elaine:'If he's crazy, you should just forget it.' — Elaine's practical advice about confronting a crazy thief

Rava · Elaine:'No, we made love on the floor like two animals. / Ray is insatiable. / They all are. / Was Jerry? / I can't remember.'

Jerry · Elaine:The 'big coincidence' argument: 'Big coincidence. / Not a big coincidence. A coincidence. / No, that's a big coincidence. / That's what a coincidence is. / There are no small coincidences and big coincidences. / No. There are degrees of coincidences. / No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.'

Elaine · Rava:'Will you put that cigarette out? / Maybe I put it out on your face.'

Elaine · Rava:'Will you put that cigarette out, please?' / 'Maybe I put it out on your face.'

Rava · Elaine:'It's just like Ray said. You and Jerry, you're jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us. / Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?'

Elaine:'Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?' — Elaine uses Jerry's exact line on Rava

Elaine:'Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent...I am proofreading a food-allergy cookbook.'

Elaine:'He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he doesn't think you're funny at all.'

Jerry · Elaine · George:Jerry and Elaine scene — George recounting 'I'll always be a winner.' Elaine: 'Well, so that's that.' Jerry: 'No, that's not that.' Elaine: 'That's not that? Well, if that's not that, what is that?'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison?'

Elaine · George:Elaine: 'This is the most exciting thing I've ever done.' George: 'Yeah, it is kind of cool.' Then: 'First time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile.' Then: 'You're like Lex Luthor.'

Elaine:Elaine sneezes in front of the mark. The man says 'God bless you.' Elaine thanks him with elaborate sincerity: 'I mean that. I am not one of those people who gives insincere thank-yous.'

Elaine · Man at party:Elaine: 'People don't say "God bless you" as much as they used to. Have you noticed that?' Man: 'No.' — long beat

Elaine:Elaine's seduction pivot: 'So I'm going to a nudist colony next week.'

Elaine · Man at party:Man: 'Who are you?' Elaine: 'Oh, you don't want to know, mister. I'm trouble. Big trouble.'

Elaine:Elaine's seduction confession: 'I don't really have a phone. In fact, I don't really have an apartment. I kind of sleep around.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Would you close your eyes a second? I want to tell you a secret about my bra.'

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine brings Jerry his laundry. 'Oh, my God, the money. The 1500, where'd you find it?' Elaine: 'It was in my laundry.' Jerry: 'In your laundry? The whole time?'

Elaine:Elaine: 'It's probably a union thing.' — echoing Jerry's earlier line about projectionists.

Elaine:Manhattan Memorial. Less of a line.

Elaine:Elaine arrives at the hospital: 'Jerk-off.'

Elaine:Hi, George. How you feeling? Is anybody getting your apartment?

Elaine · Jerry:I was gonna kiss you good night. / A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? / I don't think so.

Elaine:I'm sorry, I can't stay long. I don't want to run into Dr. Tongue.

Elaine · George:Elaine brings George ice cream in the hospital

Elaine · George:George reacts to the ice cream — 'Oh, please, come on. It's nothing.'

Jerry · George · Elaine:It's not funny. There's nothing funny about that. / Shut up!

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry gives Elaine a significant look across the room, she gives one back — beat of silence before dialogue begins.

Jerry · Elaine:'Probably about... what, 25 times.' / 'Thirty-seven.'

Jerry · Elaine:Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doing in there. / We know the terrain.

Jerry · Elaine:The entire euphemistic 'this' and 'that' negotiation: 'We go in there, we're in there for a while, then we come back out here. That's not complicated. It's almost stupid if we didn't.'

Jerry · Elaine:'It's almost stupid if we didn't.' / 'It's moronic.' / 'Absurd.'

Jerry · Elaine:The 'rules' negotiation: 'No calls the day after that.'

Jerry · Elaine:'Spending the night is optional.' — Rule #2, with the explanation that sleep got 'all tied up and connected with that.'

Jerry · Elaine:'What about the kiss good night?' / 'Tough one.' / 'Your call.' / 'It's bourgeois.' / 'Fine.'

Jerry · Elaine:Is this yours or the roommate's? / Roommate's. / Would she mind? / She keeps track of everything. / Well, that's too bad, because I'm taking it.

Jerry · Elaine:I'm having surgery tomorrow. / Surgery! You're going to the dentist!

Elaine · Jerry:Okay. So fine, go. / What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional. / It's my house, it's my option!

Jerry · Elaine:I can't go if you're mad. / I'm not mad. / You seem a little mad. / No, Jerry, I'm fine. Really, it's okay. / So you're okay with everything? / Definitely. / Are you? / Definitely.

Jerry · Elaine · Tina:Jerry goes to kiss Elaine goodnight and stops himself, pointing to the 'rules.' / 'Hey, who took my cake?'

Elaine · Jerry:Cash? / You got me cash?

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry gives Elaine a birthday card — it reads: 'To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry gives Elaine cash — $182 — as a birthday gift.

Elaine · Jerry:Who are you, my uncle? / Hey. Come on, it's $182 there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.

Jerry · Elaine:I am not your pal. What's wrong with pal? Why is everybody so down on pal?

Elaine · Kramer:Kramer! The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted!

Kramer · Elaine:'Think where man's glory most begins and ends, and say my glory was I had such a friend.' / Yeats. / Oh, Kramer.

Jerry · Elaine:We got along beautifully. / Like clams. / It was wonderful. / A pleasure.

Jerry · Elaine:So I think we should forget the whole deal and go back to being friends. / I can't do it. / You what? / I can't do that.

Jerry · Elaine:No this? / No that. / No this or that. / Oh, boy.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry returns to Elaine's apartment. / 'Hey.' / 'Hey.' / 'Got the paper yet?' / 'Yeah.' / 'Well, where is it?'

George · Jerry · Elaine:So what are you guys gonna do today? / This and... that. / And the other.

George · Jerry · Elaine:'So what are you guys gonna do today?' 'This and that. And the other.'

Jerry · Elaine:'Where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer, I got a flight.' / 'He's probably caught in traffic.' / 'Or maybe he's dead.'

Elaine · Ray:Elaine says 'He's funny' approvingly after Jerry's 'ledge' insult — implying Ray found it charming

Elaine · Rava:Elaine tells Jerry: 'No, we made love on the floor like two animals.' / 'Ray is insatiable.' / 'They all are.' / 'Was Jerry?' / 'I can't remember.'

Elaine · Rava:Rava and Elaine's debate about 'big coincidences' vs. 'small coincidences' vs. just 'coincidences': 'No, that's a big coincidence.' / 'That's what a coincidence is. There are no small coincidences and big coincidences.' / 'No. There are degrees of coincidences.' / 'No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.'

Elaine:Elaine repeats Jerry's earlier line to Rava: 'Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?'

Elaine:Elaine laments that instead of editing a major young talent's first novel she is 'proofreading a food-allergy cookbook.'

Elaine:'He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he doesn't think you're funny at all.'

George · Elaine · Jerry · Kramer:'Kramer, I can't believe it.' / 'Oh, you're my hero!' / 'Kramer, what did you do?' / 'Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.'

Elaine:Elaine interrupts someone on the phone again: 'Are you gonna be much longer? I have to make a very important call.'

Elaine:'Boy, you are really hungry.' — deadpan response to Jerry's murderous observation about happy diners.

George · Elaine:George announces he might faint from hunger, then immediately pivots to interrogating Jerry about the woman in stripes.

Elaine:'It's not fair that people are seated first come, first served. It should be based on who's hungriest.'

Elaine:Elaine walks over to the stranger's table to steal the egg roll, but instead of just taking it, explains to the strangers: 'I know this sounds crazy, but the two men standing behind me will give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your egg rolls.'

Elaine · George:Elaine returns. George: "What were you telling them?" Elaine: "I offered them 25. They had no idea why."

Elaine:'This could only happen to you.'

George · Jerry · Elaine · Mr. Cohen · Maitre d':The arrival of Mr. Cohen: an elderly regular who just wanders in and is immediately offered a table — while our heroes have been waiting.

Elaine · Lorraine · Jerry:The name collision: "Hi. I'm Elaine." Lorraine: "Oh, Lorraine Catalano." Jerry: "I'm sorry. Lorraine, this is Elaine."

Elaine:'In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money?' — Elaine's bewildered question about bribing the maitre d'.

George · Elaine:'Twenty bucks? Isn't that excessive?' / 'Well, what do you wanna give him, change?'

Elaine:'All right. Seven, seven, six.' — dividing the $20 bribe three ways.

Elaine · George · Jerry:Debate about eating in the cab: 'Chinese food in a cab?' / eating in the movie / eating hot dogs / 'Oh, movie hot dogs? I'd rather lick the food off the floor.'

George · Jerry · Elaine:'Who's Cartwright?' / 'I'm Cartwright.' / 'You're not Cartwright.' / 'Of course I'm not Cartwright!'

Elaine:We, uh, shared an interpersonal experience.

Elaine · George:Like you really know busboys. Oh, like you do? Hey, at least I was a camp waiter. Camp. It was a fat camp! Those kids depended on me.

Elaine · Jerry:Ed's downstairs. Can I have the car keys? No hello? You got any aspirin?

Elaine · Jerry:Now, lookit, you guarantee me this car's gonna get me to the airport tomorrow, no problem? Guarantee? Hey, it's a car.

Elaine:...if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle, and out of my life, I'm going to kill him and anyone who tries to stop me.

Elaine:You cannot imagine how much I hate this guy, and he hasn't even done anything. It's the situation. He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts.

Elaine:I told him I've been having my period the last five days.

Elaine:I'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed, but I've only got 14 hours to go, and nothing can go wrong now.

Elaine:It's got everything. It's got everything. If you oversleep more than 10 minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face.

Elaine:Get up! The alarm didn't go off. It's 9:15!

Ed · Elaine:I'll go tomorrow or the next day. / No, you've got your ticket. You have to go now.

Ed · Elaine:I'm going to the kitchen. / The kitchen? / Got a bag of cashews in there. / No, they're not in the kitchen. They're not in the kitchen. Here, put your pants on.

Elaine · Ed:Here. Here! You want a sweater? You want a brown sweater? You got a brown sweater. That's not mine. I can't take your sweater.

Ed · Elaine:Where's my sweater? My brown sweater! / What? You didn't bring a brown sweater. / I had a brown sweater! / Here. Here! You want a sweater? You want a brown sweater? You got a brown sweater. / That's not mine. I can't take your sweater.

Elaine:Shoes? Shoes? Shoes weren't invented until the 4th century. People walked around for thousands of years without them! Let's go. Let's go!

Elaine:No, there's no time for folding. There's no time for folding.

Elaine:I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before. Yet it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold-medal run.

Elaine:I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics.

Elaine:At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there. And then... I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck... but, gentlemen, I tell you this: I came as close as anyone ever has.

Elaine:And if it hadn't been for that five-car pileup on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now... instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer · George:There, there. There, there. [pause] Hey, the busboy's coming! The busboy's coming? You don't mean here? Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up. He's coming up? Check you out later.

Jerry · Elaine · George · Kramer:He'll get another job. He's a busboy. It won't be for a while. At least not till after the cast comes off. It was that fall down the stairs, that's what did it. / That's not how it happened. / It's when he fell on him with his knee. / Ugh. That was awful. Poor Antonio.

Jerry · Elaine:So... much longer? / Till when? / Till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can feed himself?

George · Elaine:George: 'I can't get a massage from a man.' / Elaine: 'Why not?' / George: 'What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me.' / Elaine: 'I don't want the man either.'

George · Elaine:George: 'What? You're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.' / Elaine: 'He'd just be touching your back.' / George: 'He'd just be touching your back too.' / Elaine: 'No, it could get sexual.' / George: 'I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.'

George · Elaine:George: 'What if it felt good?' / Elaine: 'It's supposed to feel good.' / George: 'I don't want it to feel good.' / Elaine: 'Then why get the massage?' / George: 'Exactly.'

Elaine:Elaine's confessional: Julianna 'used to be a flight attendant' — delivered as if this explains everything glamorous about her.

Jerry · George · Elaine:Roy calls: he's under investigation for insurance fraud. The three friends' silent horror as this sinks in — long pause before anyone speaks.

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine: 'I told you.' / Jerry: 'Told me what? I didn't say anything.' / George: 'Three notes. How stupid was that? We never should've got three notes.' / Elaine: 'Three notes? Yeah. You, me and George.' / Jerry: 'You got me a note?' / Elaine: 'But I got my own note.' / Jerry: 'You what?' / Elaine: 'I got a note from my gynecologist. I didn't know you'd get me a note.'

George · Elaine:That's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors. How could you do that to your friend? / He's got a wife, kids and a lot of other stuff.

George · Elaine:George quotes Thomas Carlyle, 1864, and Elaine immediately identifies it as 'Tommy C.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry's volcano charity fraud backstory — he donated to a 'Krakatoa relief fund' that was never going to erupt

Elaine · Jerry:'See, that's karma.' / 'No, that's Kramer.'

Elaine · Jerry:'See, that's karma.' / 'No, that's Kramer.'

Elaine · Jerry:'Why is she doing this?' / 'I don't know. It must be love.'

Kramer · Elaine · Jerry:Kramer walks in on Elaine naked — the reveal scene

Kramer · Elaine · Jerry:Triple echo: 'I saw her naked.' / 'He saw me naked.' / 'Kramer saw me naked.'

Kramer · Elaine:The invisible windshield callback at Jerry's apartment. 'What did you think of the coffee table?' / 'It's invisible.'

Elaine:'Yeah, you seem a little bit dysfunctional.'

Kramer · Elaine · Patrice:The 'truth' callback: 'Come on, Elaine...just tell us the truth.' / 'The truth? You want the truth? Who are you?'

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine · George:Everyone fights to share the cab to 48th Street: 'We'll share a cab.' / 'You going by 48th. You can give me a ride.' / 'I'm getting in on that.' / 'You know you're chipping in!'

Elaine · Helen:God, it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning? / You don't need the air conditioner.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry, you don't have to stay on the couch on my account. You two can stay in there together. / That's not a good idea. / I thought that you-- / Not now. She's right inside.

Elaine · Jerry:What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me. / You wanna switch? I'm on a love seat. / I got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.

Elaine · Jerry:I am never gonna fall asleep. / Oh, no, don't say that. You'll jinx me.

Jerry · Elaine:It's one day. / Half a day, really. / I mean, you subtract showers and meals, it's like 20 minutes. / It'll go by like that.

Elaine · Jerry · Helen:Don't be alarmed. / Oh, my God. / What the hell happened to you? / I'm okay. / My capillaries burst.

Jerry · Elaine:Do you know what you look like? / How you doing. Having a good time.

Elaine:Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here?

Elaine · Helen:Well, I started to go under-- / With the instructor? / Yeah, I got about 10 feet down and felt this tremendous pressure on my mask, like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.

Morty · Elaine:What's she doing, yoga? My back hurts.

Jerry · Elaine:What's she doing, yoga? / My back hurts.

Jerry · Elaine:Say 'astronaut.' / Say what? [long pause] / You took too many of those pills. / Astronaut? / Say it. / Astronaut! / Astro....

Elaine · Aunt Stella:I got a black eye. / Hello.

Elaine · Doctor:You want me to stay here for five more days? There must be some mistake. I'm afraid not. Five days. Here.

Elaine · Helen:Oh, my back. That bar. Who the hell could sleep on that thing? / I was very comfortable.

Jerry · Elaine:What, are you kidding me? Five more days? / Well, today's almost over, and weekdays always go by fast. / And Friday, we're leaving, so it's like two days, really. / It's like a cup of coffee. / It'll go by like that.

Elaine:Elaine's response to Jerry's wistful 'It's burned in my memory': 'Memory burn, huh?'

Elaine:Elaine's paranoid spiral: 'Karen didn't ask me what I wanted for lunch... How could she forget? I've been ordering lunch every day for three and a half years.' Then: 'Is Lippman getting rid of me? You can tell me. I won't say anything.'

Elaine:Elaine's semantic analysis: 'You don't know. You see, "I don't know anything" means there's something to know. If you really didn't, you'd say: "You're crazy."'

Elaine · Marie:Elaine and coworker sitting in uncomfortable silence, then: 'Marie, this water is still too cold.' 'Oh, yeah. It's freezing.' 'Hurts your teeth.'

Elaine · Jerry · George:So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal. What do you know? You've never worked in an office. See, you've worked in an office, George. You understand. Jerry thinks I'm overreacting, but you understand lunch.

Elaine · George:Elaine: 'Boys are sick.' George asks what girls do instead. Elaine: 'We just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder.'

Marion · Elaine:Marion's poetry reading: 'Pressed chest / Fleshed out west / Might be the saviour / Or a garden pest.' Elaine: 'That is great poetry. You should be published.'

Elaine · Kramer:Elaine enters saying 'Lippman wants to see me in his office. See me. That can't be good.' Kramer: 'Maybe you're getting a raise.' Elaine: 'Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.'

Elaine:Elaine gave Lippman Marion's poems — 'the ones that affected Kramer so much' — and he didn't like them either.

Elaine:Elaine: 'She didn't ask me what I wanted. She must've forgot.' Then immediately spirals: 'How could she forget? I've been ordering lunch every day for three and a half years.'

Elaine:Elaine's logic: 'You don't know. You see, "I don't know anything" means there's something to know. If you really didn't, you'd say: "You're crazy."'

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine: 'He never likes anything I recommend, and then that lunch thing.' Jerry: 'So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal.' Elaine: 'What do you know? You've never worked in an office. See, you've worked in an office, George. You understand. Jerry thinks I'm overreacting, but you understand lunch.'

Elaine · George:Elaine: 'Boys are sick.' George: 'Well, what do girls do?' Elaine: 'We just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Lippman wants to see me in his office.' Friend: 'Maybe you're getting a raise.' Elaine: 'Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.'

Elaine · Lippman:Elaine tells her boss Lippman about the Columbus biography: 'Remember that biography I recommended?' Lippman cuts her off: 'Columbus. Eurotrash.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine tells Jerry she gave Lippman the terrible poems that emotionally devastated Kramer. He didn't like them either.

Elaine · Kramer:Kramer sets down the air conditioner behind a car. Elaine asks: 'Worried somebody's gonna pee on it?'

Elaine · Jerry:'Don't you get tired of following rules?' / 'You think I'm too cautious?' / 'Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to?' / 'It's organic.' / 'Organic. So is Buddy Hackett.'

George · Elaine:Jerry goes to urinate behind a car — George calls out 'George!' in alarm — followed by [09:17] 'Okay, let's go.' suggesting George was caught/witnessed doing something

George · Elaine:George and Elaine debate whether death bothers them: 'What's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.' / 'Does that bother you?' / 'Yeah, it bothers me.' / 'Doesn't it bother you?' / 'Not at all.' / 'Now, that bothers me even more than dying bothers me.'

George · Elaine · Kramer:George and Elaine have a genuine philosophical conversation about dying. George: 'Yeah, it bothers me.' Elaine: 'Doesn't it bother you?' Kramer: 'Not at all.' George: 'Now, that bothers me even more than dying bothers me. Because people like you live to be 120, because you're not bothered by it.'

George · Elaine:Elaine quotes 'the secret of life is just to live every moment' — George: 'Yeah, I've heard that. Meanwhile, I'm here with you in a parking garage in Jersey.'

Elaine · Kramer:Elaine: 'That's a nice jacket. Where'd you get that?' Kramer: 'Some guy left it over at my mother's house.'

George · Elaine:The conversation about the inspector who 'had a fat fetish' and 'never dated a woman under 250 pounds.' George: 'Does he just jump up and down on it? Or does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?'

Elaine:'Was your father also in a Red Chinese prison?' — Elaine to a woman who says her folks also have an anniversary that day

George · Elaine:George decides to spit on the double-parked Mercedes, escalating from 'I'd like to spit on it' to actually doing it while the group eggs him on

George · Elaine:George and Elaine then openly admire the Mercedes: 'This is some machine. Leave it to the Germans. What do they get for a tune-up on this?'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry and Elaine reunite in the garage; Jerry: 'I was arrested for urinating.' Elaine: 'Me too.'

Elaine:Elaine yells at the departing passerby: 'Go home to your dumbbells. Go work on your pecs and your lats. We're all really impressed.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Don't worry, I'm packing heat.' — suggesting she has a weapon in response to the confrontation

Michele · George · Elaine:As Michele drives them through the garage, she says: 'It smells like a toilet.' George: 'People are such animals.' Elaine: 'You're telling me. Filthy pigs.'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer: 'Boy, those Scientologists, they can be pretty sensitive.' Elaine: 'I'll say.'

Jerry · George · Elaine:The group finds the car and erupts: 'What is it? The car! The car! The car! The car!' then immediately: 'Kramer's not here. I knew it.'

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:The play starts at 8:00; it's 7:45; Kramer has an air conditioner; they're in Jersey.

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:The car won't start — silent beat, then the scene ends without resolution

Elaine · George · Jerry:I don't even know my IQ. / Mine's 145. / One forty-five! / Get out of here. / You get out of here. / You get out of here.

Elaine · Jerry · George:IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing. / You'll do well. You're smart. / No, see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not.

Elaine · Jerry (offscreen/Babu):Tea and toast. / Eat something! Babu.

Elaine · Jerry:So you got the test. You're cheating. / I know.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Isn't there, like, a statue of limitations on that? / Statute. / What? / Statute of limitations. It's not a statue. / No, it's statue. / Fine. It's a sculpture of limitations.

Elaine · George:Elaine goes out the window AGAIN to return the test: 'You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to get a cup of coffee...'

Monica · Elaine:Are you looking for George? / Well... Kind of. / George left. / Is that the test?

Elaine · Monica:I hope you do a lot better this time. / Actually, I think I did. The first time, I couldn't really concentrate.

George · Jerry · Elaine:You know what my IQ is? One fifty-one. / One fifty-one? / Yeah.

Jerry · George · Elaine:That's a good score. / So, what are you up for? How about Mexican? / Italian. / No, Chinese.

George · Kramer · Elaine:Kramer bursts in and George says 'Tell her!' meaning the Chinese cure — but Kramer starts telling her about the erotic tape, not the cure.

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine demonstrates the erotic voice — 'Jerry... I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake' — revealing herself as the mystery woman on the tape.

Kramer · Elaine:Elaine tells Kramer about the tape in secret and he says: 'I had no idea you were filled with such... sexuality.'

George · Jerry · Elaine:George: 'So, what about this girl on your tape recorder?' Jerry (already knowing it's Elaine): 'Oh, Elaine.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine walks in on the guys, hears about the mystery woman, and says 'Bummer. Okay. Good luck finding her. I'm taking off.' Then offers to shower at Jerry's place.

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine: 'Have you ever gone out with a bald man?' George: 'No.' Jerry: 'Know what that makes you? A baldist.'

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Kramer sets up a fake interview scene with Jerry and Elaine as adult film actors/director, introducing 'Elaine Does the Upper West Side.'

Kramer · George · Elaine:In Kramer's fake interview, George is cast as Elaine's co-star — 'an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome.' Then the Chinese food delivery arrives mid-scene: 'That's my Chinese food.'

Kramer · Elaine · George:Kramer (still in interview mode): 'Elaine, in your movies, is the sex real or simulated?' Elaine: 'Oh, it's always simulated... except with George. That's in my contract.'

George · Jerry · Elaine:Elaine calls Jerry mid-crisis; George panics: 'Don't tell her I told you! She'll kill me!' Jerry: 'Okay, I promise!' — while everything is completely collapsing simultaneously

Elaine:Elaine walks in and immediately: 'Something stinks in here.'

Elaine · George · Jerry:Elaine confronts the apartment and asks 'What are you doing here?' to George — walking into the middle of the increasingly tangled situation involving the tape, George's attraction to her, and the hair cream.

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine admits she was the one who talked into the tape recorder. Jerry: 'I know. George told me.' George: 'He threatened me.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry to Elaine: 'Where did you come up with all that stuff?' Elaine: 'Oh, that was nothing.'

George · Elaine · Kramer:George declares his attraction to Elaine. 'I'm very attracted to you.' Kramer immediately: 'I found a hair! Yes!'

Kramer · George · Elaine:Kramer: 'Ever since I found out that you left the message on Jerry's tape recorder—' [reveals Elaine's secret to George, completing the circle of everyone knowing everything]

Elaine · Jerry · Kramer · George:The episode ends with Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer calmly telling George 'Stick around, it's early, we'll order Chinese' as he tries to leave — while holding the tape.

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:George's romantic gesture is completely undermined as everyone realizes Elaine was the tape voice; Jerry is stunned; the moment collapses into everyone being awkward at once.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:The Jacket subplot: Kramer's mother's boyfriend left a jacket, went to prison for mail fraud, and now Kramer wants Elaine to pretend to be the convict's daughter to retrieve it.

Kramer · Elaine · George:Kramer to Elaine, unprompted: 'You're as pretty as any of them. Just need a nose job.'

Elaine · George:Elaine confronts George: 'Peter Jennings had one?' / George: 'It's possible.'

George · Audrey · Elaine:George: 'No, George is right. I wanna get one.' — Audrey takes George's side against Elaine's objection.

Elaine:Elaine explains the head-patting to the man she's trapped with: 'It's a nervous tick. I'm on L-dopa.'

Bore · Elaine:The bore traps Elaine in a monologue about George Washington Carver's devotion to the peanut and his possible work with the pecan.

Elaine:Elaine to Jerry: 'What have you been doing? I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient.'

Elaine:To a woman who can't find her fiancé: 'Maybe the dingo ate your baby.'

Elaine:Elaine repeats 'The dingo ate your baby' after the woman says 'What?'

Elaine · Woman:Implied awkward silence / reaction beat after Elaine says 'The dingo ate your baby' a second time.

Elaine · Fur Coat Woman:Elaine confronts the woman at the party about her fur coat, escalating to: 'Is that real fur?' — and the fur-coat argument.

Elaine · Fur Coat Woman:Elaine: 'Are you a vegetarian?' Woman: 'Yeah. I eat fish occasionally.' Elaine: 'So you're a hypocrite.'

Elaine · Fur Coat Woman:'Fish don't feel any pain.' / 'How do you know? Do you communicate with fish?'

Fur Coat Woman · Elaine:Goldfish defense: 'They're not kept in little cages.' / 'Ever seen a goldfish?' — then: 'Right. Swim around a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet. That's a good life.'

Elaine · Man:Elaine: 'Go ahead. Maybe you can run over a squirrel!' The man's reply: 'Yeah, well, that's why we're here in America.'

Jerry · Elaine:Immediately after the fur coat argument, Jerry says to Elaine: 'You're beautiful.' — completely deadpan.

Elaine · Host:Trying to use the party host's phone: 'What's in it for me?' / 'A bigger bill.'

Elaine:Elaine at the party (later/callback): 'Is that real fur?' — the fur coat gag re-emerges, now with added context.

Elaine · Jerry:"Well, he's not a baseball player." — Elaine's response to Jerry not knowing who Owen March is

Elaine · Jerry:"He's 66 years old." [beat at the rental car counter mid-sentence]

Elaine · Jerry:"Could you go out with a 66-year-old woman?" / "Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant she'd be spinning."

Elaine:Elaine's descending enthusiasm for Owen: "I love being with him... I like being with him... It's okay being with him." [beat] "I just don't enjoy being with him."

Jerry · Elaine:The breakup date count: seven dates requires face-to-face; six would've let her off the hook

Elaine:"How's the pasta over there?" — Elaine changing subject instead of answering

Elaine:Elaine's offhand reaction to Owen's stroke: "Boy, he took it hard."

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer · George:The first aid chaos: arguing about raising feet vs. raising the head, cold compress vs. paper towel vs. big sponge

Jerry · Kramer · Elaine:"That's for a drug overdose." / "Maybe that's what he's got." / "He didn't leave the table." / "Well, he could've dropped acid when you weren't looking."

Elaine:"Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with him. Five seconds! The next words out of my mouth were 'Owen, it's over.'"

Jerry · Elaine:"What community? There's a community?" / "Of course there's a community." / "All these years, I'm living in a community, I had no idea."

Elaine:Elaine's breakup speech to the incapacitated Owen: listing her active lifestyle (running, biking, skating, skiing) vs. his current state

Elaine:"I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now. It's a bitch to get here. It's two subways. I have to transfer at 42nd Street to take the double-R."

Elaine:After the breakup speech, Owen nods/responds, and Elaine says: 'These pretzels are making me thirsty.'

Elaine · George:Owen appears at the diner — recovered — and tells Elaine he was just using her for sex

Elaine:Elaine to George, re: the watch: 'Keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.'

Elaine · George:Elaine offers George a job as a reader at her publishing company as his 'Christmas present' — and he immediately turns it into a job interview.

George · Jerry · Elaine:George returns with 'cranberry juice' that turns out to be just cranberry juice — he accidentally gave Dick the vodka cranberry.

Elaine · Jerry:'One drink like that, and he could fall right off the wagon.' / Jerry: 'Told you.' (callback to on/off the wagon argument)

Elaine · Jerry:I think he started drinking again. / Oh, boy. Can you smell it? / No, I can't smell it. / If you can't smell it, then he hasn't been drinking.

Elaine · George:Elaine's reaction to the cashmere sweater gift, then George's immediate 'take it off': 'George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me.' / George: 'Good. Good. Listen, take it off. You're gonna wear it out already. It's for special occasions, this thing.'

Elaine · George:Oh, George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere? / Of course it's cashmere. / Oh, I love cashmere. / Who doesn't? / Oh, my God. George, this must have cost a fortune.

Elaine · George:Elaine discovers the red dot on the sweater and asks about it. George panics and tries to distract her: 'Listen, take it off. I'm getting hot just looking at it.'

Jerry · Elaine:The prolonged scene where Jerry delays answering Elaine's question about the red dot — she asks again 'Do you see it or don't you?' and Jerry repeats the question back theatrically, stalling until [10:02].

Elaine:Elaine's speech: 'Dick was fired. You mean to tell me, I put that drink six inches over to the right and this wouldn't have happened?'

Elaine:Elaine: 'It's exhausting being with you.'

Elaine:Elaine's explanation for her expression: 'I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.'

George · Elaine · Jerry:Elaine directly asks George about the red dot discount, George launches into a 'shocked' speech: 'Elaine, I'm shocked. I'm shocked.' — then Jerry accidentally confirms it when George accuses him.

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine tells Jerry that George said he left Dick's drink next to Dick's on purpose: 'So George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose.' / Jerry: 'Nice try.'

Elaine · Jerry:So George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose. / Nice try.

Elaine · Jerry:So George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose. / Nice try.

Dick · Elaine · Jerry · George:Merry Christmas! / Oh, my God, that's Dick. / Dick! / It's Cape Fear. / Hide. Hide under the desk.

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:The physical comedy of hiding under the desk: 'Move over.' / 'Get off of me.' / 'I have no room.' / 'My foot's sticking out.' / 'Shut up. He's coming.'

Jerry · George · Elaine:'What time's the lesbian wedding?' / 'How do they work the bride and groom on that? Do they flip a coin?' / 'Yeah, they flip a coin.'

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:Jerry complains about always paying for breakfast: 'What am I, made of money? You bunch of deadbeats.'

Elaine · Kramer:Elaine: 'I can't. I'm the best man.' — responding to Kramer's merry-go-round invitation

Conductor (V.O.) · Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:The conductor announcing an overwhelming list of train connections at 42nd Street, followed by silence and 'Well...' / 'See you.'

Elaine · Old Woman:Old woman on Elaine's subway corrects her use of 'ironic': 'No, I mean, what does ironic mean?'

Elaine · Old Woman:Old woman assumes 'she' is a man: 'What does he do?' / 'She.' / 'She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son.'

Elaine · Old Woman:Elaine reveals there is no 'he' — it's a lesbian wedding — and the old woman's escalating confusion: 'There's no he? So who's getting married?'

Elaine:Elaine: 'No, no. You don't understand. I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.'

Elaine:Elaine's reaction beat — crowded subway car, looking around at the packed humanity: 'Maybe not.'

Elaine:Elaine's subway breakdown: 'This guy really smells... Doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard? You take the cap off, you roll it on.'

Elaine · Stranger on Subway:Elaine: 'These disgusting animals. These people should be in a cage.' / Stranger: 'We are in a cage.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Think about people in concentration camps, what they went through. And the hostages! What would you do if you were a hostage?'

Elaine:Elaine: 'No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare. Help me! Move it! Come on! Move this f****** thing! Why isn't it moving?! What could go wrong with a train? It's on tracks. There's no traffic!'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Why couldn't I take a cab? For $6, my whole life could have changed.'

Elaine:Elaine counting bananas to will the train into motion: 'One banana, two banana, three banana, four banana, five banana. No. I'm still here. Still here. When will they start moving?'

Elaine:Train finally moves and Elaine yells: 'Yes! Yes! Mother——!' with full catharsis

George · Jerry · Elaine:George worrying about pianist finger warm-ups: 'How do they warm up their fingers? No, we would have heard it. You think they just crack their knuckles and come out?' / 'Don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.' / 'I really resent that. That's directed at me, isn't it?'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry places a PEZ dispenser on Elaine's leg during the recital; Elaine bursts out laughing during the piano performance.

Elaine:Elaine explaining to John Mollica why she was laughing: 'Jerry put this PEZ dispenser on my leg and I just started laughing.'

George · Elaine:Meeting Noel post-recital: George says 'You play a hell of a piano.' Elaine: 'Yeah, I was really moved. Really moved.'

Steve · Elaine:Steve (nosebleed tissue still in) tells Elaine he doesn't think she wants to date him because he's a bartender. Elaine corrects: 'You're getting warm' — implying it's actually the nose tissue.

Noel · Elaine:Elaine's laugh is recognized by Noel during the intervention: 'That laugh. That's the laugh.' / Elaine: 'No, no. It was an accident. It wasn't my fault! It was Jerry!' / 'Jerry put a PEZ dispenser on my leg!'

Elaine · Jerry:The crossword puzzle callback: 'What's a three-letter word for candy?' (answered implicitly: PEZ) / 'I can't do those things.'

Kramer · Elaine · George:Elaine suggests visiting a psychic; Kramer dismisses with: 'Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job?'

Elaine:Elaine's response to Jerry asking about waiting time before asking out a coma victim's girlfriend: 'Why wait? Why not just call Dr. Kevorkian?'

Elaine:Elaine's follow-up on Dr. Kevorkian: 'I don't get that whole suicide machine. There's no tall buildings where these people live? They can't wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?'

Elaine:Elaine notices Faith is smoking while pregnant and goes on an escalating tirade about prenatal care: 'I just don't know how a person, with everything we now know about prenatal care, can put a cigarette in her mouth!'

Elaine:Elaine worries: 'Could there be a native problem in the Caymans? Maybe there's native unrest.'

George · Elaine:George to Elaine/Jerry: 'If I'm ever in a coma, in the first 24 hours, get everything out of my place and put it in storage. / How come? / Looters.'

Jerry · Elaine · George:Discussion of dog food quality testing: 'How do we know the dog food's any good? Who tastes it?' Elaine: 'She is really hungry.' [referring to the starving woman nearby]

Elaine · Newman:Elaine tries to convince Newman to take Kramer's Cayman ticket by mentioning 'Jerry has a friend who has free tickets.' Newman: 'I don't care much for the beach. I freckle.'

Elaine · Faith/psychic:Elaine runs into the pregnant psychic in the hospital: 'Something drew me here. This is phenomenal.' / Elaine: 'The nurse said she'd be right back.' / Psychic: 'Where's the nurse? I'm in labor!'

Faith/psychic · Elaine:The psychic reveals she met Elaine's friend 'on the bus on the way over. I couldn't get rid of her.' (about the woman Elaine thought she knew)

Elaine · George · Jerry:Elaine tries to eat George's Drake's Coffee Cake in the hospital chaos; Jerry: 'Elaine, no! No!' / George: 'Give me that!'

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Kramer returns home from the hospital: 'I never assisted in a birth before. It's really quite disgusting.' Jerry: 'What did she name the kid?' Elaine: 'You wouldn't believe it.' Jerry: 'Rasputin.'

Elaine · Jerry:Rasputin callback: episode ends with the baby being named Rasputin, paying off the cold-open question.

Kramer · Jerry · George · Elaine:Martin and Gina have moved in together after the coma. Kramer reads the housewarming invitation as George, Jerry, and Elaine all react.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Kramer gets an invitation to a housewarming for Martin and Gina — they've moved in together. Jerry and Elaine react.

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer declines dinner because 'a bunch of us from the islands are getting together.' / Elaine: 'Elle Macpherson gonna be there?' / Kramer: 'I gotta call her back.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'The problem is that the good ones know they're good. They know they're in demand... they're not interested in confining themselves to one person. I hate the good ones.'

Cynthia · Elaine:'Is Jerry a good one?' / 'That's a good question. I think he thinks he is.'

Elaine:'The mediocre ones are available, but so insecure... they're always: I'm not good enough for you. What are you doing with me? Eventually I just go, You're right.'

Elaine:'It's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one.'

Elaine:'I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless.'

Elaine · Cynthia:'The hopeless don't care. When you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive. So hopelessness is the key.' / 'It's my only hope.'

Elaine:'If I'm not married by the time I'm 40, I'll have to kill her. Because it's the only fair thing to do.'

Elaine · Cynthia:'Who says I'm not bitter?' / 'Aren't you too young to be bitter?' / 'No, you can be young and bitter. Just maybe not as bitter as I'll be 10 years from now.'

Elaine · Cynthia:'Anyway, don't tell anyone.' / 'Don't worry. Your bitterness is safe with me.'

Elaine:'Order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry and Elaine simultaneously: 'Yeah, right.' [beat] 'Yeah, right.' — reaction to the idea of fixing George and Cynthia up

Elaine:'It's one step away from personal ads. Then prostitutes.'

Jerry · Elaine:'You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.' / 'I went out with you.' / 'That's because my standards are too low.'

Elaine:Elaine's eyebrow speech: 'Women kill for eyebrows like that. Women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head one by one until they're bald, Jerry, bald above the eyes. And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that.'

Jerry · Elaine:The 'full disclosure' pact negotiation: 'We going to share that information? Naturally. We're going to tell each other everything? Every secret? Everything.'

Jerry · Elaine:'He tried to poison his boss.' / 'Excuse me?' / 'It's such a long story. Seriously, he just had some problems at work.'

Elaine · Jerry:'Is he nuts?' / 'No, no, no. He's a really, really funny guy.'

Elaine · Jerry:'What does he look like?' / 'Well, he's got a lot of character in his face. He's short. Um, he's stocky.' / 'He's fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?' / 'Powerful.'

Jerry · Elaine:'He's kind of-- Just kind of-- Losing his hair.' / 'He's bald?' / 'No. No, no, no. He's not bald. He's balding.' / 'So he will be bald?' / 'Yeah.'

Elaine:'Flowing? Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is important to me.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry repeats back: ''Thick, lustrous hair is important to me.' Is that what you said?' / 'Right.' / 'Just clarifying.'

Jerry · Elaine:'If you stick your hand in the hair, is it easy to get it out? Or do you want to not be able to get it out?' / 'I'd like to be able to get it out.' / 'I think you'll get it out.'

Elaine · Jerry:'What about the skin? I need a good cheek. I like a good cheek.' / 'She's got a fine cheek.' / 'Is there a pinkish hue?' / 'A pinkish hue?' / 'Yes, a rosy glow.' / 'There's a hue.'

Jerry · Elaine:'She's got great eyebrows. Women kill to have her eyebrows.' / 'Who cares about eyebrows?'

Elaine · Jerry:'Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet. You could throw up from that.' / 'I don't think you'll throw up.' / 'She likes to throw up.'

Elaine · Jerry:'Has he ever been married?' / 'No.' / 'Has he been close?' / 'He once spent a weekend with a woman.'

Jerry · Elaine:'He didn't really try to poison his boss.' / 'Yeah, he did.'

Kramer · Elaine:'Come on, Elaine, here. Take half a bag.' / 'Half a bag? What am I, a hooker?'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Anyway, they look kind of cheap.' / 'I'll take one.'

Cynthia · Elaine:'He was uncomfortable because it was our first time. So he felt he'd perform better if we did it in the kitchen.' / 'What?' / 'He says the kitchen is the most sociable room in the house.'

Elaine · Cynthia:'How was it?' / 'How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate.'

Jerry · George · Elaine · Cynthia:The parallel phone call scene: both Jerry and George ask 'Anything else?' / 'No.' back and forth, both lying about knowing they had sex.

Cynthia · Elaine:Cynthia: 'I missed my period. Oh, my God! I am very worried. I am never late.'

Elaine · Cynthia:'What?' / 'Was it blue?' / 'Yeah. How'd you know?' / [pause] 'Just a hunch.'

Jerry · Elaine:The argument between Jerry and Elaine about whose idea the fix-up was: 'It was your idea.' / 'I was just helping your bitter, twisted friend.' / 'She's not bitter.' / 'Bitter's a judgment call. She's twisted.'

Elaine · Jerry:'I knew those condoms were defective!' / 'How did you know they were defective?!' / 'Because! Because she missed her period!'

Cynthia · Elaine:Cynthia's talking-head: George arrived out of breath, disheveled, told her 'whatever happens, whatever I decide is fine... I'd support me in whatever way I need.' Elaine: 'Wow. You think you know somebody.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry agonizes for three days that Keith Hernandez hasn't called, not wanting to seem 'overanxious' — mirroring female dating anxiety

Jerry · Elaine:It's been three days, and he hasn't called. / Well, maybe you should call him. / I can't. I can't. / Why not? / I just feel like he should call me.

Elaine:Elaine's response to Jerry's anxiety: 'I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them, and they don't call.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry asks if calling Keith for dinner is 'coming on a little too strong' — Elaine replies: 'Jerry, he's a guy.'

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine tells Jerry to wear a different shirt for Keith: 'Is this okay?' / Elaine: 'Jerry, he's a guy.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Can't they just send us a tape? / Maybe if you wait a few months, it won't be a baby anymore. Then you won't have to see it. / Because he'll be all grown-up.

Kramer · Newman · Jerry · Elaine:The JFK-spitting parody: Newman and Kramer's story of Hernandez spitting on them, told with JFK-assassination documentary gravity — 'June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies...'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Yeah? / It's Keith. / All right, we're coming down. / Keith Hernandez? / Yeah. Come on, Elaine, let's go. / Where are you going? / They're giving me a ride downtown.

Jerry · Elaine · Keith Hernandez:Should I shake his hand? / Well.... / You want to catch a movie this weekend? / Have you seen JFK? / No, I haven't. / This weekend. Wow! / Sure. That would be great. / Damn. I was too overanxious. He must have noticed that.

Elaine · Jerry:Jerry jealous of Keith going out with Elaine, and then — 'Are you jealous of him or are you jealous of me?'

Keith Hernandez · Elaine:Keith and Elaine's awkward goodnight — both inner monologues revealed: Keith: 'I'm a baseball player, damn it... I won the MVP in '79. I can do whatever I want.' Elaine: 'What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy.'

Jerry · Elaine · Keith Hernandez:Elaine: 'I love Cajun cooking.' / Keith: 'Really? You know, my mom's one-quarter Cajun.' / Jerry (internally): 'Oh, my father's half-drunk. Maybe they should get together.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry: '...have...' / Elaine: 'What?' / Jerry: 'You know.' / Elaine: 'Milk?' / Jerry: 'No.' / Elaine: 'Cookies?'

Keith Hernandez · Elaine:Keith brags to Elaine: 'I hate to brag, but I did win 11 straight Gold Gloves. I wouldn't have brought it up, but since you mentioned it.' / Elaine: 'I didn't mention it.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Well, you played first base. I mean, they always put the worst player at first base. That's where they put me, and I stunk.'

Elaine:Well, so what? I mean, you played first base. I mean, they always put the worst player at first base. That's where they put me, and I stunk.

Elaine · Keith Hernandez:Keith: 'Elaine, you don't know the first thing about first base.' / Elaine: 'Well, I know something about getting to first base... and I know you'll never be there.'

Elaine · Keith Hernandez:Elaine: 'Well, I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there.' / Keith: 'The way I figure it, I've already been there. And I plan on rounding second tonight at around 11:00.'

Keith Hernandez · Elaine:Keith: 'The way I figure it, I've already been there. And I plan on rounding second tonight at around 11:00.' / Elaine: 'I'd watch the third-base coach if I were you, because I don't think he's waving you in.'

Keith Hernandez · Elaine:Keith: 'You know, I hate to say this, but I think we're really hitting it off. Get it? Get it?' / Elaine: 'Clever.'

Keith Hernandez · Elaine:You know, I hate to say this, but I really think that we're hitting it off. / Get it? Get it? / Clever.

Keith Hernandez · Elaine:Keith pulls out a cigarette. Elaine: 'You smoke?' / Keith: 'Is that a problem?' — long uncomfortable pause

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine on the phone with Jerry after her date: 'You broke up with him?' / Jerry: 'Me too!' — they both dumped Keith for smoking

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Elaine doesn't understand a 360 dunk — Jerry demonstrates by guarding her in the limo

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry (as O'Brien) asks Elaine about 'The Big Game' — she gushes that it 'changed my life' and he responds 'It's just a game. Remember that, kids.'

Tim · Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:Gunshots outside the limo — Tim: 'They're shooting! They're shooting!' — everyone ducks.

Elaine:Elaine's dismissal of Kramer's theory: 'I know Jerry. He's not a Nazi. He's just neat.'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer grabs Elaine protectively: 'I'm not gonna let them hurt you. I'm not gonna—' Elaine: 'Kramer, you're hurting me.'

Elaine · Jerry:Oh, I didn't know you went into Queens, Jerry. Yeah, Queens.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Tell her about the shoving... What shoving?

Elaine:Because I hate being at a table alone with a married couple talking about their married friends and their married furniture.

Elaine:They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better. You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting.

Elaine · Dinner Guests:You went out with a bullfighter? Yeah, yeah. Well, an ex-bullfighter now. Wow. What was his name? His name? His name was... Eduardo... Caroccio.

Elaine:Is that the word they use, 'fighting'? They don't really fight the bull. They avoid fighting the bull.

Elaine:Bread. [said to change the subject]

Angela · Elaine:I'll pluck your body hairs out with my teeth! [pause] Well, I think I get the gist of it.

Elaine:Very nice meeting you. [said to Angela after being threatened]

Elaine:Well, well, Mr. Seinfeld, that must have been so frightening when you confronted that guy in Queens.

Elaine · Jerry:I'm picturing... what? What? French Connection kind of thing. You know, sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city. / It was just a couple of blocks.

George · Jerry · Elaine:He said he was gonna sew your ass to your face. / What? / Why couldn't you think of something? / I don't know! He caught me off guard!

Jerry · Elaine:You lie! How hard is it to lie! / It's not that hard.

Kramer · Elaine:Pray tell, what was the young man's name? [long pause] Eduardo Caroccio. Eduardo... Caroccio. That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls off the tongue.

Elaine · Kramer:Eduardo...Caroccio. — Eduardo...Caroccio. — That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls off the tongue.

Elaine:Elaine admits she pretends there are murderers chasing her to see how fast she can get into her apartment, then adds 'I'm from Wichita.'

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine and Jerry playact being chased by murderers up the hallway, narrating urgently to each other.

Elaine · Jerry:Hurry, Jerry, he's coming. He's coming. The murderers! Hurry. Hurry, he's coming. Hurry! / Oh, Jerry. / Boy, that was close.

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:The three-way tug-of-war over the keys between Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer, with Kramer insisting he doesn't want them back.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry's lengthy self-justification about the keys ('He drove me to it, I had no choice...') — Elaine's internal reaction visibly building.

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine begins to say '...complete bull...' and cuts herself off. Jerry: 'What? / No, what'd you say? / Nothing. I didn't say anything.'

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine catches Jerry and George in her apartment reading her Murphy Brown script; George says 'It was funny'

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine's enraged reaction to finding Jerry and George in her apartment having read her script: 'You weasels!'

George · Elaine:'It was funny.' / 'It's just a first draft!'

Elaine · Jerry · George:The four-way key exchange argument explodes: 'Oh, here's your damn keys. I don't want them anymore.' / 'I want my keys back.' / 'You can't be trusted.' — keys thrown around, nobody knows whose is whose.

Jerry · Elaine:'Let me tell you something about show business.' / 'I can't believe it.' / 'It's hard work. You don't just write a Murphy Brown. You gotta watch the show, get a sense of the characters...'

Elaine:'Okay, can I just watch the show?' — Elaine's reaction to Jerry's show-business lecture.

George · Elaine:What did you say? / I didn't say anything. / I heard something.

Jerry · Elaine:'Kramer's on Murphy Brown! Elaine, it's Kramer! He's sitting at the desk!'

George · Elaine:All bald people look good in hats. You should have lived in the '20s and '30s. Men wore hats all the time then. What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

George · Elaine:You had to move the mirror. / I wanted to check out my sunglasses. / Went to look in the mirror, it was gone. You threw off my equilibrium.

George · Elaine:Want to see a right turn from the left lane? / No, I really don't. / I can make a left from the right lane. / I'm sure you could.

George · Elaine:Dreams can come true. What did I tell you? / You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.

George · Elaine:Look at this guy. / What, are you crazy? What are you doing? / Hey, hey! You're stealing my space! / Wait, you don't know who this guy is! / People kill for a parking space in this city.

Elaine:We were at the tollbooth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay? And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us... And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us.

Elaine · Jerry:George tries to lose them, and... But they were in this really... Like a souped-up car... And he turned off the road really suddenly, and the car was on two wheels, and I was just screaming... And then — George is such a great driver. / He is? / He is fantastic.

Jerry · Elaine:Oh, my God. Are you okay? / Yeah, yeah. I'm all right. God. / Oh, man. / By the way, the car hit a pothole, and now it's making a clanking noise.

Jerry · Elaine:Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that... That's the important thing. / Exactly.

Elaine · George:I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us, and they followed us into the city. A pack of teenagers? Yeah. By the time I got to the end of the story, he was so relieved we were alive, he couldn't care less about the car.

George · Elaine:You are a genius. It's as simple as that. / What can I say? You know, it's a gift. I only wish I could teach you, but, you know, it's inborn.

Kramer · George · Elaine:By the way, thanks for inviting me to the flea market. / What? / Yeah. Jerry, he told me all about it. / Great. / I didn't know. / Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.

Jerry · George · Kramer · Elaine:I'm sorry. / I'm so sorry. Really. / Yeah. I'm sorry. / I'm sorry. I don't care for that 'sorry.' / What's wrong with that sorry? That was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry? / It was a so-so sorry.

Jerry · Elaine:Wild pack of teenagers, huh? / Yeah. / Amazing how they pick you out of everyone to terrorize. / Yeah. I know. I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?

Jerry · Elaine:Sounds like you did some pretty nifty manoeuvring. / You know, it's interesting, under that pressure, what you're capable of. / Right. / I learned a lot about myself.

Jerry · George · Elaine:What did you do to my car? / I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror! I got discombobulated! / Like you've ever been 'bobulated.'

Elaine:Maybe if you hadn't been pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.

George · Newman · Elaine:Hey, George, nice hat. / Yeah, thanks. / Can I try it on? / No! It wouldn't fit you. / Sure, it would. / No! Get out of here, Newman. / Let me try it. / No! Stop it! / Let him try it on. / I don't want him to! / What is wrong with you?

George · Elaine:All right! You wanna try on the hat?! Try on the hat! / Stop it, George! Stop it. I was defending your parking. / Come on, George! / Okay, just keep the hat!

Kramer · Elaine · Mike · Jerry · George:That's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs. Who's coming? Elaine? / Depends on who's going. You going? / I'm not going if he's going! / Me either! / Well, I'm going. / If he's going, I'm not going! / It's your house! / I don't have to go.

Police officer · Elaine:All right, you move your car. It's his space. You can't go in headfirst. / Wait a second. Why can't he go in headfirst? / He said the guy was just sitting over there.

George · Elaine:George and Elaine running from an imaginary murderer, yelling 'He's coming! Hurry!'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Three-way tug-of-war over the keys between Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:The three-way tug-of-war over the keys: Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer all fighting — with Kramer declaring he doesn't WANT them back

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry's guilty rationalization speech: "He drove me to it, I had no choice. He wouldn't take them back...You saw it." — and Elaine's barely suppressed "complete bull--"

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine insists 'I didn't say anything' while Jerry presses 'I heard something' — repeated twice

Elaine · Hitchhiker:The hitchhiker on Elaine's motorcycle ride launches into an extremely graphic story about a near-fatal accident — eyes hanging from sockets, pronounced dead, year-long coma — ending with 'but I showed them' and 'since then I always wear a helmet'

Elaine · Hitchhiker:"Lean! Lean!" as Elaine is distracted by the horrifying story and nearly crashes

Jerry · Elaine:"What's that?" / "Nothing." / "I heard something." — third iteration of the running gag

Elaine · Trucker:"Nothing's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi." / "Nothing?" / "Well...."

Elaine · Trucker:Trucker offers Elaine to try driving the rig, and Elaine's panicked 'Wait a minute. Wait.' suggests she immediately regrets agreeing

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine returns to find Jerry and George reading her script — "You weasels!"

Elaine:"Well, it's just a first draft!" — Elaine's defensive response to 'it was funny'

Elaine:"Okay, can I just watch the show?" — Elaine's response to Jerry's pompous advice

Elaine:"Oh god, what an ass--" [cut off] — someone mutters as Jerry finishes talking

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine arrives — 'Oh God, I thought you were in California.' She insists she came back for Jerry; he responds with layered mock-enthusiasm: 'Me too, miss. I miss. Yeah, big missing going on around here.'

Elaine · Kramer · Jerry:'Oh, shut up.' / 'I missed you.' / 'Really? You really missed me?' / 'Yeah.' / 'Me too, miss. I miss.' / 'Yeah, big missing going on around here.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry catching Elaine eating peanut butter out of the jar with her fingers: 'Are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting fingers? This is a sickening display.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'What, I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.'

Elaine:Elaine explains Dr. Reston won't 'let her leave' because as her psychiatrist he 'can't allow' her to self-sabotage. 'He has this power over me. He has this way of manipulating every little word that I say.'

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine: 'He's like a Svenjolly.' Jerry/George: 'Svengali.' Elaine: 'What did I say?' George: 'Svenjolly.' Elaine: 'Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.' George: 'Svenjolly.' Elaine: 'I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.' Jerry: 'Maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.'

Elaine · Dr. Reston:Elaine tells Dr. Reston there's 'somebody else.' The doctor immediately goes into clinical mode: 'Tell me about him.' / 'Well, there's not really much to tell. He's just a guy, really.' / 'Yes, well, I assume he's a guy.'

Elaine · Dr. Reston:'And you've known him how long?' / 'Years. Many years.' — Elaine casually confirming the fictional relationship has been going on for years.

Dr. Reston · Elaine:Dr. Reston takes a phone call in the middle of Elaine's relationship confession, chatting casually with 'Bobo' about a lunch location.

Dr. Reston · Elaine:Dr. Reston: 'Elaine, do you remember your dream — where you had a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Oh, no. Don't concern yourself with me, because I'm good. I'm very good. I mean, I'm really very, very good.'

Dr. Reston · Elaine:Dr. Reston: 'Elaine... have you been urinating a lot again?'

Elaine · Dr. Reston:Dr. Reston demanding to know the new man's name, Elaine resisting, until she blurts out 'Kramer.'

Dr. Reston · Elaine:Dr. Reston: 'I want you to tell this young man to give me a call.' / 'You can do it, and you will do it.' — the doctor ordering his patient to have his romantic rival call him.

Elaine:He's like a Svenjolly.

Kramer · Elaine:'Have we been intimate?' — Kramer asking Elaine to confirm whether they've had sex for his fake psychiatrist story

Kramer · Elaine:Elaine agrees they've been intimate. Kramer: 'All right, how often do we do it?' — Elaine's exasperated reaction when she says 'five times a week' and Kramer responds 'Oh, baby.'

Elaine:What kind of a bubble, like an igloo?

Elaine · Jerry:How could you not take the directions? — Because he's my directions.

Jerry · Elaine · Diner Waitress:I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club. — How about you? — I'll just have a glass of water. — You can't just have water. Why not? That's all I want. — This isn't a park bench where you come in and sit down. It's a business.

Diner Patron · Jerry · Elaine:Don't you play on TV? — Oh, no. — Yes. Yes, you saw him on TV. — What's your name? — Jerry Seinfeld. — Elaine... — Gary Seinfield.

Jerry · Elaine · Waitress:Jerry Seinfeld. / Elaine... / Gary Seinfield. [Elaine gets his name wrong]

Elaine:He's lying. They're in the trunk.

Jerry · Elaine:Yeah, this turned out to be a great weekend. — Where's my water? — Oh, it's coming.

Elaine · Jerry:What'd you write? — 'Nothing's finer than being in your diner.'

Elaine:There is 'nothing finer than being in your diner'? That is so lame, Jerry. People will be reading that for the next 20 years and laughing at you.

George · Susan · Jerry · Elaine:Do you smell something? / Yeah. Smoke. / Yeah. Definite smoke. / Look, it's a fire! / Holy cow, look at that! / It's my father's cabin! The cabin is on fire.

Elaine:It's very hard being a stand-up comedian. Sometimes they don't laugh.

Jerry · Elaine:What? You were the one who was talking dirty. — I was just trying to keep up.

Elaine · Jerry:You know how much money you cost me today? $429. — What? How? — I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay. So she blabs to Lippman about my long-distance calls to Europe!

Elaine:'I made a friend when I was in Europe. And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman!'

Jerry · Elaine:Hey, look, I'm gonna pay for that. — No, no. — No, I insist. I was the one that encouraged you to fire her. The whole thing was all my — Okay. — Fault. — Do you smell smoke?

Jerry · Elaine:Hey, what are you reading? — The Falconer, by John Cheever. It's really excellent. — John Cheever. You ever read any of his stuff? — Yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. You know.

Elaine:Maybe I'll visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties, and they're all laid out for me.

Elaine · George:Let me see your hands. / You can look at them, but do not touch them.

Elaine:Oh, those are nice. You know, I never noticed this before. They're smooth. Creamy. Delicate yet masculine.

Elaine · George:Oven mitts? / It's all I could find.

Jerry · Elaine:What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom? / I don't know. I couldn't understand a word she said. I was just nodding. / There you go.

Elaine:You can't come out dressed like that. You're all puffed up. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.

Elaine:You're supposed to be a compassionate person that cares about poor people. You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier.

Leslie (low-talker) · Elaine · Jerry:You bastard! / Did you hear that? / That I heard.

George · Elaine:Hot, hot. / I'm sorry. / McKigney had a few good years.

George · Elaine:How do you forget to turn off an iron? / I was excited Jerry was putting on the puffy shirt.

Elaine:Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee.

Marla · Elaine:The virgin revelation — Marla is about to explain why she wouldn't move in with her boyfriend, keeps hedging ('well, because... well, because... well, because I'm a...') and then Elaine bursts in at the exact moment she says 'virgin'

Elaine:Elaine recounts her diaphragm flying out of her purse at a party in front of a man

Elaine:'So I carry around my diaphragm. Who doesn't? I mean, like, it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it.'

Jerry · Elaine:'She's a virgin. She just told me.' / 'Well, I didn't know.' / 'Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.'

Elaine:'Was I being anti-virgin?' / 'Because I'm not anti-virgin.'

Elaine:Elaine's advice to Marla about post-sex male behavior: 'The man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over... like they committed a crime and want to flee the scene before police get there.'

Elaine:'The smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. They all turn into farmers suddenly. It's always about being up early.'

Ping · Jerry · Elaine · George:Ping the delivery boy arrives with a head injury from an accident caused by Elaine jaywalking — he can only save ONE bag of food, and he saved the pea pods

Ping · Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Ping (Chinese delivery person) arrives injured from a bicycle accident, but the food is mostly destroyed — only the pea pods survived

Ping · Elaine · Kramer:'You should slow down. It's dangerous to go that fast.' / 'No, no, I have green light. You jaywalk.' / 'I did not jaywalk.' / 'Yes, you jaywalk.' / 'No, I don't want it.' / 'Jaywalker. I can slap a suit on you.'

Elaine · Jerry:'What about leaving after sex? Did I leave with you?' / 'You might have, if I had stayed.'

Elaine · Jerry:Recounting Susan's disaster run since meeting George: 'She's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, learned her father's a homosexual, and got fired from a high-paying job.' / 'Yeah, they had a real good thing going.'

Jerry · Elaine:[Beat of silence/disbelief] Glamour?

George · Jerry · Elaine:What did you do? I zipped up. So she fell? Yeah. Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was.

George · Jerry · Elaine:I am never doing that again. What? You mean in your mother's house or altogether? Altogether. Give me a break. Yeah, right.

George · Elaine:It's different. Why? Why? Because you're a woman. So what? It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.

Elaine · George:That is such baloney. I shave my legs. Not every day.

Elaine · Jerry · George:Well, where's my money? Who caved? Not me. Not me. What are you looking at? A naked woman across the street. This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life.

Joyce · Elaine:John F. Kennedy Jr. is here. He's gonna be in your class today. He has got a great butt. Yeah. Butt, butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.

Elaine · Jerry:'Quite a workout.' What did you say? I said, 'Yeah.' Good one.

Elaine:And he asked me my name, and I think I said Elaine, but I mean, who the hell knows?

Elaine:Do you wanna split a cab uptown? And I said, 'Sure,' even though I was going downtown. So we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm going, right? But this is John F. Kennedy Jr. we're talking about.

Jerry · Elaine:Oh, God. The question is, are you still master of your domain? I'm queen of the castle.

Elaine:Okay. You're trying to hurt me? You're trying to injure me?

Elaine · Jerry:All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee? I don't keep real coffee here. I get my coffee on the outside.

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:The group realizes they're fighting over socks — snapping at each other due to the contest. 'Oh, boy. Oh, boy.' / 'What are we doing here?' / 'This is ridiculous.' / 'I haven't been myself. I'm snapping at people. I'm yelling at strangers on the street.'

Jerry · Elaine:[Phone rings] Hello. [Long pause — it's clearly Elaine calling to say she's out]

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine explains she's out because JFK Jr. wants to meet her outside Jerry's building at 9:00 — but she told him she lives there. 'Why outside here?' / 'Because he thinks I live here.'

Jerry · George · Elaine:He left with Marla, the virgin? [George/Elaine's dawning horror]

Elaine · Jerry:Could you do me a favor? Could you shut up?

Jerry · Elaine:Fine, I'll take it off. Grab the wheel. / I don't want to do that. / Come on. Just do it. / No, I don't like to do this. / Elaine, just get it. / My hand is stuck.

Jerry · Elaine:And it smells like a cheap hooker. / Or is that you? / Give me 10 bucks and find out.

Jerry · Elaine · Skycap:Usually, I get $5 a bag. / What? / That's right. / Five dollars a bag? I don't think so.

Jerry · Elaine:Well... I'll take the first class. / Jerry. / What? / Why should you get the first class?

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine, have you ever flown first class? / No. / All right, then. You won't know what you're missing. / I've flown first class, Elaine. I can't go back to coach. I can't. I won't.

Elaine · Jerry:You flew here coach. / Yeah, that's a point.

Elaine:The plane crashes, everybody in first class is gonna die anyway.

Elaine:I never check my bags. Can't stand that waiting in the baggage area.

Elaine:Help me.

Elaine:He's sleeping, and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ?

Elaine:I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him.

Elaine:Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum. That's helpful.

Coach Flight Attendant · Elaine:You're just gonna have to wait. / I'm right there. You just passed it. I'm sitting next to that guy. / You're not supposed to get up during the food service. / Well, nobody told me that.

Elaine · Seat Neighbor:Where's my meal? / He asked me. But you were gone so long, I thought you switched seats.

Elaine · Seat Neighbor:I don't even know what a kosher meal is. I think it means when a rabbi has inspected it or something. / No, no, it all has to do with the way they kill the pig. / Come on, but they don't eat pigs. / They do if it's killed right. Under a rabbi's supervision.

Elaine · Seat Neighbor:You're eating my food. / Hey, I got earplugs to collect. Do you want it or not?

First Class Flight Attendant · Elaine:What is your name? / Elaine Benes. / You're going to have to go back to coach.

Elaine:Please don't send me back there. I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't wanna go back there.

Elaine · First Class Flight Attendant:Oh, you got cookies. / You're going to have to go back to your seat.

Elaine:You know, our goal should be a society without classes.

Elaine:Do you realize the people up here are getting cookies?!

Elaine · Jerry:That was the worst flight I've ever been on in my entire life. / Yeah, me too.

Elaine · Jerry · Fred:Elaine says she has a date with Fred, 'the religious guy?' — she says he's not that religious — cut to Fred saying 'Let us pray'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer offers to take Elaine's Christmas card photo; admits he'll have to 'improvise' on her outfit

Kramer · George · Elaine:Kramer offering to take Elaine's Christmas card photo: 'I don't know about that outfit, though.' 'Why, what's wrong with it?' 'Well, we'll have to improvise.'

Mr. Lippman · Elaine:Elaine's boss examines the Christmas card and says 'I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong...' — long pause — 'but I think I see a nipple.'

Elaine:Elaine's horror escalates: 'My parents, my boss... Nana and Papa.'

Fred · Elaine:Fred is shown the card and immediately says 'Yeah, your nipple's showing.' Then: 'Anything else?' / 'No.' / 'All right. See you later.'

Elaine:Elaine at the office: 'That card is plastered all over the office. Everybody's calling me Nip.'

Elaine:'These guys keep asking me out for drinks.' — male coworkers using the nipple card as a pickup opportunity

Newman · Elaine:Newman complains he didn't get a Christmas card: 'I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.' Elaine throws one at him.

Elaine · Newman:Elaine hands Newman the nipple card directly after his complaints: 'Here's your Christmas card.'

Elaine · Fred:Elaine's explanation to Fred for the nipple card: 'I must've missed a button. I forgot to button it.' Fred: 'I really don't see how you could miss a button like that.'

Elaine:Phone call from Elaine's sister Gail: Elaine being harangued about the card while simultaneously being called 'Nip' by a coworker passing by

Elaine:'I did not bare myself deliberately, but I tell you, I wish now that I had. Because it is not me that has been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul!'

Elaine:Elaine: 'It is not me that has been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul!'

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine · George:Kramer's Calvin Klein underwear ad is revealed in a magazine: 'Boy, they really worked on your pectorals.' / 'Your buttocks are spectacular.'

Elaine · Jerry · Kramer:The magazine shows something in Kramer's underwear ad: 'I think I see your...' — implying his underwear ad has the same problem as Elaine's card

Kramer · George · Elaine:Kramer was at the wrong theater — the Paradise Twin instead of the Paragon. / 'No, you said Paradise.' / 'It's a twin theater. I want to see this movie on a big screen.'

Elaine:And how long would you have stood in the ticket-holders' line?

George · Elaine:It's sold out. / Oh, real good, George. Real good.

Elaine · George:No, I don't wanna go to a miniplex multi-theater. / It's the same movie. What's the difference? / No, it's not a theater. It's a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.

Kramer · George · Elaine:Hey, you know what else is playing here? Rochelle Rochelle. / I wouldn't mind seeing that. / Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

Elaine:No, taken! Taken, taken. I'm getting the hang of it.

Elaine:Elaine giving Jerry's description to a stranger: 'You see a guy who's about 5 foot 11, he's got a big head and flared nostrils — tell him his friend's gonna be right back.'

Elaine:Elaine, completely broken: 'Oh, take them.' — she surrenders all the saved seats.

Elaine:Elaine returns to find her seat taken — she and someone fight over it while the movie plays

Elaine:Listen, I just went to go get popcorn and — God. I just went to go get popcorn, okay, and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there.

Theater Employee · Elaine:I can let you see Rochelle Rochelle. / Thanks.

Jerry · Elaine · George · Kramer:The four characters end up all watching Rochelle Rochelle together — reunited at last, in the wrong movie.

Jerry · Elaine · George:Elaine, Jerry, and George all end up in the same theater watching Rochelle Rochelle and find each other in the dark: 'Elaine?' / 'Jerry.' / 'George?' / 'Elaine?' / 'But where's Kramer?' / 'Does this movie stink or what?'

Kramer · Buckles · George · Elaine:I only have a 20. / Hi. / Hey! / What happened to you? / That's my coat. Give me that. Where did you get that? / It was on the seat. / You took my seat? / You owe me $7.50. / Yeah. Right. / What is this stain? / It's yellow mustard. Can you break a 20?

George · Elaine:George notices a stain on Kramer's coat (which Elaine is wearing): 'What is this stain?' Elaine: 'It's yellow mustard. Can you break a 20?'

George · Kramer · Elaine:Kramer insists on going to the Paradise Twin instead of the Paragon, sparking the 'twin theater' debate.

Elaine:Elaine's coat-fleece-ripping seat-saving incident story: "I once had the fleece ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident."

George · Elaine · Stranger:George has been standing in the ticket-holders' line without a ticket — and denies it was the holders' line.

Elaine:Elaine is saving FOUR seats and getting into confrontations defending them ('These are taken. Taken. If you hurry back, you won't miss the beginning.').

George · Elaine:The $20 change negotiation is re-opened mid-chaos as George says 'Why don't you give me the 20, I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can settle up.'

George · Elaine · Jerry:George, Elaine, and Jerry are all reunited in Rochelle Rochelle — shouting at each other in the dark while the audience yells at them.

Elaine:Golda Meir. Good one, babe.

George · Elaine:So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it. / She didn't take her coat off in my house, either.

Elaine · Jerry:The Collected Works of Bette Midler.

Elaine · Jerry:What? I thought you liked Bette Midler. / She's all right. / You said you liked her. / Well, so what? Maybe I do like her. / So what? / So nothing.

Elaine · Jerry · Elaine:Come on, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late 30s, single. / So are you. / Yeah.

Elaine · Jerry · Soldier:Now the play is tomorrow night. Would you like dinner first or just meet at the theater? / Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to bother you. I want you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out how you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks.

Elaine:I try and go out and do something special for your birthday, and this is the thanks I get! Everything's tainted now!

Elaine · Jerry · Manager/Maître d':Nothing can make me keep my voice down! / If you boys cannot control yourselves, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Jerry · Elaine:So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. / Not at all.

George · Elaine:Guys and Dolls? Isn't that a lavish Broadway musical? / It's Guys and Dolls, not Guys and Guys.

Elaine · Jerry:The Collected Works of Bette Midler. [beat] What? I... I thought you liked Bette Midler. / She's all right. / You said you liked her. / Well, so what? Maybe I do like her. So what?

Elaine:Why are those two people pointing at you over there?

Elaine · George:'Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor pad, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit like an old married couple.' / I told you that pear was washed.

Elaine:I thought we were friends. [Elaine reacts to learning Jerry and George are reportedly gay and never told her]

Elaine · Jerry · George:I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me? / It's not true! / Enough lying. The lying is through. / Come on, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late 30s, single. / So are you. / Yeah.

Jerry · Elaine:You know, I think I'll pass on the Guys and Dolls. / All right, fine, don't go. I try and go out and do something special for your birthday and this is the thanks I get. Everything's tainted now.

Jerry · Elaine · Restaurant Host:Would you keep your voice down? / No, I will not keep my voice down! Nothing can make me keep my voice down! [restaurant host intervenes] If you boys cannot control yourselves, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Mrs. Oliver · Elaine:It's my goiter, isn't it? Did you say goiter? What goiter? This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.

Elaine · Mrs. Oliver:Mrs. Oliver asks Elaine: 'It's my goiter, isn't it?' Elaine has a visible reaction beat — clearly trying to hide her discomfort.

Elaine:Does it bother you? Bother me? Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No. Not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's... In fact, it's very distinctive. You know? I mean, you wanna know something? I wish I had one.

Elaine:Elaine to Jerry: 'I keep thinking that goiter's gonna start talking to me.'

Elaine:I keep thinking that goiter's gonna start talking to me.

Elaine:'Oh, by the way, this woman almost has a second head.' But no, no. I didn't get any goiter information. They really should mention that in the breakdown. Height. Weight. Goiter.

Mrs. Oliver · Elaine:...and I began my affair with Mohandas. What? Mohandas. Gandhi? The passion. The forbidden pleasure.

Elaine:Elaine: 'No, we just play defense.' (in response to whether women go left or right when making a move)

Elaine:Elaine narrating her sauna experience: 'Good sweat. Beads of sweat. Sweating bullets.'

Elaine · Sidra:Elaine reacts visually as Sidra removes her towel in the sauna.

Elaine:'This chick's playing with Confederate money.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met...you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'I know what they feel like. I lived in Los Angeles for three months.'

Elaine:Elaine in sauna, seeing Sidra enter: 'Oh, look who's here. Silicon Valley.'

Elaine · Marcy:Elaine: 'Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?' Marcy: 'Yes. How did you know?' Elaine: 'I know the type.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine's explanation of touching Sidra's breasts: 'I stood up to shake her hand and suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her...I touched them.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'I needed them to help me break my fall. If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry: 'Oh, what do you know? You have no breast-touching experience.' Elaine: 'I've touched mine.' Jerry: 'So have I.' Elaine: 'Oh, right, I forgot.'

Elaine:All right. Anyway, I think they're real, and if they are, they are spectacular.

Sidra · Elaine · Jerry:What are you doing here? Looking for Kramer. What's going on? She was just showing me pictures of places in Puerto Rico. When you two went down there. Oh, yeah. All right.

Sidra · Jerry · Elaine:Sidra confronts Jerry: 'I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that?' Elaine: 'That was an accident.' Sidra: 'I think you're both mentally ill.'

Elaine · Jerry:Remember Roy, the artist? The triangle guy.

Elaine · Jerry:He was very talented. He was just, I don't know, a little too... Artsy? Fat.

Elaine · Jerry:He was a fat starving artist, you know? That's very rare.

Elaine · Jerry:Could you go into the room with me to visit him? Because I don't want him to think I'm interested. Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend. Well, I think I can do that. I've played that role before to some critical acclaim.

Elaine · George:What's with him? You know, a lot of people have asked that.

Elaine · Jerry · Roy:Roy has visibly lost a massive amount of weight — Elaine and Jerry's increasingly flustered reactions as they try to address it politely

Roy · Elaine:Thank you. So do you. [long pause] This is... You really lost weight.

Elaine:I can't believe it. You were huge. Like blubber. I couldn't even get my arms around you.

Elaine:Well, that's a positive thing about getting sick. You get to lose weight.

Roy · Elaine:It was you. After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks. Get out!

Elaine:I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.

Elaine · Jerry:No, that's the week after. No, I believe it's next week. You're wrong. No, I'm not. [pause] Shut up.

Elaine · Jerry:Prognosis... negative. Prognosis negative?

Elaine:Just my luck, you know? Just when he was getting thin and attractive.

Roy · Elaine · Jerry:So Elaine... where we going for our big dinner on Friday? I'm so sorry, Roy, but actually we are going to the Poconos on Friday. Right, honey? I don't think so. Yeah, I believe that we... We are. I believe we're not. Please, can we go to the Poconos? Well, I'll think about it.

George · Elaine:George anxiously urging the driver to hurry because he doesn't want to keep Carl waiting; Elaine protests

Carl · Elaine:'I ski, I fish... I pillage, I plunder.' / 'You pillage and plunder?' / 'When I travel.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine asks what it means when a guy says he has to get up early. Jerry: 'It means he's lying.'

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine: 'Jerry, I'm sure I've seen men on the street early in the morning.' Jerry: 'Well, sometimes we do have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine: 'Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?' Jerry: 'Anything's possible.'

Elaine:Elaine realizes: 'That's why Carl said he had to get up early, because I stink. Jerry, he thinks I have BO. Me.'

Elaine · Stylist:Elaine is in the hair salon; stylist says the smell is still there after shampooing. Elaine: 'No, no, it can't be. I shampooed. I rinsed. I repeated.' Stylist: 'It's still there.'

George · Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:'I don't even like Drake.' / 'Don't like the Drake?' / 'Hate the Drake.' / 'I love the Drake.' / 'Who's the Drake?' / 'The Drake is good.'

George · Elaine:Elaine dismisses George's perfectly drawn freehand triangle as easy; reaction beat of George's silent wounded pride.

Jerry · Elaine:'What does that mean?' — Jerry's baffled reaction to George's feminist/check non sequitur.

George · Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:George parks in the handicapped spot anyway — 'Go ahead, George.' / 'George!'

George · Jerry · Kramer · Elaine:The group discovers the angry mob surrounding the car and learns about the wheelchair woman's accident from the handicapped spot.

Jerry · George · Kramer · Elaine:Visual reaction beat: The gang returns to find Frank Costanza's car has been destroyed by the mob.

Drake · Allison · Jerry · Elaine · George:Drake and Allison break up 20 minutes after receiving the big-screen TV gift.

Jerry · George · Elaine · Drake · Allison:Extended awkward scene: Jerry, George, Elaine, Drake and Allison all standing around the giant TV in complete silence after the breakup announcement.

Jerry · George · Elaine:'Hell of a picture on this thing.' / 'Crystal clear.' / 'They know how to make them.'

Elaine · George · Jerry:Elaine is designated to call Allison and demand the TV back. 'What? Why is it me who always has to do these things?' / 'Because that's your thing.' / 'Calling people I hardly know and demanding they return expensive gifts? That's my thing?' / 'Yeah, that's your thing.'

Elaine:Elaine's resigned 'That's my thing.' after hanging up — accepting her social role.

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine's brief yo-yo exchange: 'You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo.' / 'Really?' / 'Yeah.' / 'I could see that.'

Elaine · Allison:Elaine calls Allison. 'I gave all the gifts to charity.' / [beat] 'Oh, okay. Well, thanks a lot. Sorry again about you and the Drake.'

Allison (phone) · Elaine · George:Allison gave everything to charity. Elaine reports this; George's response: 'Charity? That's appalling. How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate.'

Elaine · George · Jerry:'She gave it to charity.' / 'Charity? That's appalling.' / 'How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate.'

Russell · Elaine:Russell nervously asks Elaine to sit down, over-apologizes for the phone calls, and reveals he can't get her out of his mind since they met 'two months ago.'

Elaine:Elaine, being awkwardly pursued by NBC president Russell, stares at the snack mix and complains: 'God, I hate these mixtures. Why don't they just put pretzels out on the table? Or even peanuts would be good.'

Elaine:Elaine breaks up with Russell partly because: 'I don't like television. And that's your world. That's your life... network television! I mean, come on, Russell. You're part of the problem.'

Russell · Elaine:Russell pitches Seinfeld's pilot to Elaine: 'It's about nothing.' Elaine: 'What do you mean it's about nothing?' Russell trying to explain it using her day as an example.

Elaine · Russell:Elaine lists her utterly boring day as proof of a TV show: 'I got up, I went to work, then I came here.'

George · Jerry · Elaine:George casually drops 'unless, of course, she's faking' — which pivots the entire conversation and explodes in his face when Elaine reveals she faked with Jerry.

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine admits she has faked orgasms — and reveals she faked with Jerry specifically.

Elaine:'I think I'll have a piece of cake.' (Elaine changing subject mid-confrontation.)

Elaine:'Not bad, huh?' (Elaine's proud response to Jerry's 'It was all an act?')

Jerry · Elaine:'What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?' / 'Fake, fake, fake, fake.'

Elaine · Jerry:'All the time.' / 'All the time?'

Jerry · Elaine:'But I'm so good.' / 'I'm sure you are.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry says he doesn't want to see Elaine. She calls. He claims he's upset about 'the grilled cheese — they always burn the toast.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry asks Elaine for 'another shot' — he wants to redo their sex life to prove himself.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry's rapid negotiation: 'Half-hour. Give me a half-hour.' / 'No.' / 'Okay, 15 minutes. I guarantee you, 15 minutes, I can make it happen.'

Elaine · Jerry:'Oh, what, you're upset? Yes, I'm upset. Can't you tell?' / 'No, I can't. Maybe you're faking.'

Jerry · Elaine:The elaborate exchange of each other's belongings: fins, poker chips, goggles, cards — all itemized with deadpan precision.

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine: 'All right, let's go. I'll give you half an hour.' / 'What?' / 'Come on. Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry tells Elaine the sex failed: 'It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence...it's a lot of pressure.' Then: 'I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left?'

Elaine · Jerry · George · Kramer:Well, move in here. — What's that? — Why doesn't he just move in here? — Yeah, I'll move in with him. He doesn't let you use the toilet.

Jerry · Elaine · George:I don't get it. — Me neither. — What is it? — I don't know. — They're hands.

George · Elaine:Are you crazy?! Are you crazy?! You could've damaged my hands! — What? It's just a toy.

Elaine · George:Let's see. Oh, those are nice. You know, I never noticed this before. They're smooth. Creamy. Delicate yet masculine.

Elaine · Kramer:What is that? — It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, huh? What do you think? Is it cool or what?

Elaine · Jerry:Why are you wearing this now? — Why am I wearing it now? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now. Because the low-talker asked me to, that's why. And I said yes. Do you know why? Because I couldn't hear her.

Elaine:You can't come out dressed like that. You're all puffed up. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.

Elaine:You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier.

Leslie · Bryant Gumbel · Elaine:You bastard! — Did you hear that? — That I heard.

Elaine · Kramer:Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee. You know, all those stores canceled out on her. She's finished. — We're finished. — Really? What happened? — I just can't be with someone whose life is in complete disarray.

George · Elaine:What happened to all the shirts? — They gave them to Goodwill.

George · Elaine · Jerry:Are you crazy?! Are you crazy?! — What? It's just a toy. — George has become a hand model.

Elaine · George:Let me see your hands. — You can look at them, but do not touch them.

Elaine:Elaine examines George's hands: 'Oh, those are nice. You know, I never noticed this before. They're smooth. Creamy. Delicate yet masculine.'

Elaine · Jerry:Why are you wearing this now? — I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now. Because the low-talker asked me to, that's why. And I said yes. Do you know why? Because I couldn't hear her.

Elaine · Jerry:Well, you can't wear that on the show. — Elaine, you wanna stop it? — No, Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to clothe homeless people. You can't come out dressed like that. You're all puffed up. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.

Elaine:You're supposed to be a compassionate person that cares about poor people. You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier.

Elaine:Is that what you're wearing? [reaction beat — Elaine sees the puffy shirt for the first time in full view]

Leslie · Jerry · Elaine:You bastard! — Did you hear that? — That I heard.

Elaine:Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee.

Elaine · Jerry · George:Then this guy comes up to me, and he starts feeling my jacket between his thumb and forefinger like this. And he said, 'Gabardine?' And I said, 'Yeah.' That was it.

Elaine · Jerry · George:I'm not giving him a bra. / Why not? / I don't need him looking at my bra.

Jerry · Elaine · George:You know about the cup sizes and all? / They have different cups. / Yeah, I know about the cups.

Elaine:You got ketchup on it.

Elaine · Jake Jarmel:I just thought you'd be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby. / Okay, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.

Elaine:Well, Jake, you should learn to use them. Like, the way I'm talking now, I'd put exclamation points on the ends of all of these sentences! On this one! And on that one!

Elaine · Jerry · Elaine:It's an exclamation point. / It's a line with a dot under it. / Well, I felt it called for one.

Elaine:I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.

Mr. Lippman · Elaine:It was a damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt! / You put an exclamation point after 'sweatshirt.' / That's correct. I felt that the character doesn't like to be chilly.

Mr. Lippman · Elaine:'I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!' / Again, exclamation point. / Well, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters into a machine... and nothing comes out.

Elaine · Jerry:'Dear Barry, consider this letter the termination of our relationship, effective immediately.' Exclamation point. / Right. 'I will expect all funds in the form of a cashier's check, no later than the 18th.' Double exclamation point.

Elaine · Jake Jarmel:Get your hands off of me! / Johnny! Johnny!

George · Elaine:I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front and behind. —Would you shut up, George?

Jerry · Elaine:—Me? A godfather? —Yes. —Never go against the family, Elaine.

Elaine:Elaine: 'Could you tape the rest of the pig-men and the women who love them discussion? And I'll listen to it the next time I'm here.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Perhaps one day when the pig-men roam free, it will be stopped, Kramer. Until then, off with their heads.'

Elaine:—You'd think you were getting whacked.

Jerry · Elaine:—Don't they have friends? They're level-jumping on our friendship. —Yes, it is level-jumping.

Jerry · Elaine · George:Jerry: 'That damn mohel! He circumcised my finger!' Elaine: 'You flinched.' Jerry: 'I did not flinch.' George: 'Last thing I remember was you flinching. Then everything went black.'

Elaine:Elaine to the mohel outside the hospital: 'Well, if it isn't Shaky the Mohel.'

Elaine · Mohel · Jerry:Mohel: 'Nice circumcision, but it's not supposed to be a finger.' Jerry: 'Circumcision was perfect. That was your fault. You flinched!'

Jerry · George · Elaine:—Any word from the pig-man? —No. And he's not a pig-man, is he? —No, he's not. He's just a fat little mental patient.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:So any word from the pig-man? — No. — No. — And he's not a pig-man, is he? — No, he's not. He's just a fat little mental patient.

Elaine:Every time I've taken one, the driver will not stop talking to me. No matter how disinterested I seem, he just keeps yakking away. Why does everything have to have a social component?

Elaine:See, the stagecoach. Now, that would've been a good situation for me. I'm in the coach, and the driver's way up there on the stage.

Dispatcher · Elaine · Cab Driver:749 Bleeker. The party's Hanks. Tom Hanks. / Tom Hanks? After me, you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him.

Elaine:It didn't work. He caught me hearing.

Elaine:All right. It's terrible, but I'm not terrible. No. When I shoo squirrels away, I always say, 'Get out of here.' I never, ever throw things at them and try to injure them...like other people.

Elaine:And when I see freaks in the street, I never, ever stare at them. And yet I'm careful not to look away. See, because I wanna make the freaks feel comfortable.

Elaine:I don't pouf my hair when I go to the movies...so people behind me can see.

Jerry · Elaine · George · Kramer:It's ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men. / Well, there ought to be ball men. / All right, I'll talk to her. You wanna be a ball man, go ahead. Break the ball barrier.

Elaine:He's the loser. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils.

Elaine · George:Get out. Get out! / We'll never get there. / Go on! / Okay. Hey! Shut the door.

Elaine:The whole idea of the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight traffic.

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine: 'I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork.' Jerry: 'It's hard to believe with so much biting experience, a person could still make a mistake like that.'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer tells Elaine to her face that she's 'getting heavy' and has put on '5, 10 pounds'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Jerry and Elaine weigh themselves and discover they've gained 7 and 8 pounds respectively

Kramer · Elaine:When Elaine asks about her weight, Kramer says: 'You? You're getting old.'

Lab Technician · Elaine:Elaine at the lab: lab tech casually mentions holding up a test tube — 'This is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a cholesterol workup on it.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Jerry: 'I think the whole thing stinks.' Elaine: 'It smells. Smells bad.' Kramer: 'Smells really bad.' Jerry: 'That's enough. With the smells.'

Elaine · George:Elaine reveals Lloyd Braun called her and they're going out

George · Elaine:George asks Elaine to lie about his arm to Lloyd. Elaine: 'What if I like him? I'm gonna start out lying to this guy?' George: 'So you're taking his side?'

George · Elaine:Elaine: 'What if we get married? We'll always have that between us.' George: 'Already you're marrying this guy?' Elaine: 'You never know.' George: 'Believe me, you're not gonna marry him.'

Jerry · Elaine · George:Jerry on George's arm: 'Every time we see you, you're gonna be walking around going like this? Even you can't keep that up.' Elaine: 'Oh, I believe he can.'

Elaine:As far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door... and it's kind of got... this involuntary movement. It's some sort of a spasm.

George · Elaine · Lloyd:George explains the nametag idea: 'One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear nametags to make the city friendlier. Everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:The group mourns the yogurt being confirmed as fat: 'The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.' 'Oh, it stinks.' 'Mine too.' 'I got one more day.' 'I can't eat this.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:The news report reveals Giuliani's high cholesterol was caused by blood from the yogurt lab sample contaminating his test tube — and this yogurt scandal 'probably clinched the election for the Republican.'

Jerry · Elaine:How come you're wearing a hat? / I got a haircut. / Oh, yeah? Can I see it? / Nah, there's nothing to see. / Come on, let me see it. / Forget it. / Come on!

Jerry · George · Elaine:Jerry's hat reveal — takes off hat to show the terrible haircut

Elaine:Elaine's reaction to the haircut: 'It's very good. Thank you. I'm sorry.'

Jerry · Elaine:Ah, you know, Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working that day. / Yeah, too bad.

Jerry · Kramer · Elaine:Kramer: 'Take the K-Man.' Elaine: 'You can still go.' Jerry looks at Kramer. Kramer: 'Ya think?' Jerry: 'Do I think? He's repugnant.'

Elaine · Kramer:Bachelor auction: Kramer is introduced as 'number 124.' His bio: 'He is, um... He's a high school graduate.' Pause. 'Equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'He's self-employed. He's... I don't know, 6'3", 190 pounds. He likes, uh... fruit.'

Elaine:He's a gentleman, he's good-looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eight years.

Elaine:The whole city is talking about this monster, Joel Rifkin. And I am dating a Joel Rifkin.

Elaine · Joel:What a cool name, Deion. If I were going to change my name, I'd go with Deion. / Deion Benes? / Well, as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, well, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name, for no real reason whatsoever. / Deion Rifkin. / Wow! That is so cool.

Elaine:O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! Oh! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh, please, please, change your name to O.J.! It would be so great!

Joel · Elaine:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Giants Stadium. / Oh, you have photos in your wallet? Yeah. / Why, is that weird? / No. It's normal. / You're very normal. / You're totally normal.

Elaine · Joel:Who's this? / That's my mother. / Oh, yeah. I see the resemblance. / No, there's no resemblance. / Yeah, there is, right here, you see-- / Elaine, I was adopted.

Elaine:He's not the murderer. [Beat as thousands of people react]

Elaine · Joel:Okay, and if somebody objects, you can just veto it. / Okay. / You start. What's your first choice? / Stuart. / No. / Second choice. / S-Stuart's no good? / I have never met a normal guy named Stuart.

Joel · Elaine:Todd. / Todd. / No. Veto.

Elaine:Oh, great. / Alex. / I got to tell you, I have a bad association with the name Alex. / In college, I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee, and after every sip, he would go, 'Ahh!' / I mean, every two seconds, 'Ahh!' And he would take, like, 40 sips, and after every one, 'Ahh!' / I had to drop the class.

Joel · Elaine:Ned? / What is wrong with Ned? / No. / Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear.

Joel · Elaine:Ellis. / Ellis? You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing. / Ellis and Alex aren't even close. / Next!

Joel · Elaine:Remy. / Remy Rifkin? / Mm-hm. / Should I get a beret?

Elaine:Oh, Stuart's a lot better. / Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.

George · Jerry · Elaine:I'm having people over. / Who? / The girls, for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona... / Winona's gonna be there? / Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.

Subway Man · Elaine:Highlighter? / Excuse me? / To highlight the programs you plan to watch. / Look, really, I'm just trying to read.

George · Elaine:Elaine! [George missing the train because he got a gyro]

Elaine · Subway Man:He's not my boyfriend. / He's not? Interesting.

Elaine · Jerry · Winona:It's a cigar-store Indian. / [Winona's reaction — long pause before anyone speaks]

Jerry · Elaine:We had a little fight this afternoon. 'Let's bury the hatchet. We smokem peace pipe.'

Elaine:Are you out of your mind?

Jerry · Elaine:It's kitschy. / Winona is a Native American. / She is?

Jerry · Elaine · Winona:I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest. / I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can we get a table? / Oh, don't worry. I made reser... / You made what?

George · Elaine:Knick tickets. Floor seats. / How did you get these? / Got them on the street from a scal... / From who? / One of those guys. What guys? / You know, the guys that they sell the tickets to the sold-out events.

George · Elaine:Wait a second. You've got the Mark McEwen TV Guide. / That's Al Roker. / They're both chubby weathermen.

Elaine:All right, well, I will personally go out to Queens and deliver his Al Roker TV Guide to him.

Elaine · Kramer:Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I'd be totally embarrassed to bring it up. / Wait a minute... I thought it was a pretty good idea.

Frank Costanza · Elaine · George:Why'd you take my TV Guide? / I'm so sorry about that, Mr. Costanza. / What is this? You got stains all over it. What the hell did you do? / Hey, you can't talk to her like that. / I'll talk to her any way I want.

Mr. Lippman · Kramer · Elaine:About coffee tables? That's fantastic. / Who's your publisher? / I'm still shopping it around. / Yeah? You see? This is the kind of idea you should be coming in with.

Mr. Lippman · Elaine · Kramer:What the hell do you do around here all day anyway? / Well, I read manuscripts... / The Indian really completes the room. / Don't you think?

Elaine:I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee-table book.

Subway Man · Elaine:Next stop, Queensborough Plaza. / Do you want a gyro? / I don't think so. / Elaine! / Well, I guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train. / He's not my boyfriend. / He's not? Interesting.

Kramer · Man on subway · Elaine:Elaine! — Well, I guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train. — He's not my boyfriend. — He's not? — Interesting.

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine: 'Jerry, the man is a doctor.' Jerry: 'Doctor. He's a podiatrist.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry and Elaine react to 'Latvian Orthodox' — Elaine says 'She's limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox?' with genuine amazement.

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer eating the lobster in Jerry's apartment: 'This is delicious.' Elaine: 'Succulent.'

Elaine:Elaine compares George's potential conversion to King Edward VIII abdicating the throne for Mrs. Simpson.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry, after George leaves to pursue the conversion: 'I guess this one is my fault.' Elaine: 'Oh, yeah.'

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine says 'funguses.' Jerry corrects: 'Fungi.' Beat. Jerry: 'What?' Elaine stares.

Elaine · Podiatrist:Elaine at the podiatrist's apartment, nervous about asking a medical question: 'The question isn't even for me, actually. It's for a friend.' Podiatrist: 'Elaine, I'm used to it. I'm a doctor.' Elaine: 'Well... podiatrist.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'I like feet too. I'm just saying...' — and then she can't finish the sentence.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry: 'I was merely speaking extemporaneously. I've got nothing against the foot. I'm pro-foot.' Elaine: 'Me too.'

Podiatrist · Elaine:The podiatrist reconciles with Elaine with an extended foot-appreciation speech: 'You know, because I love the foot. I'm a big fan of the foot. And that pinkie toe — come on! How adorable is the pinkie toe? It's my favorite toe.'

podiatrist · Elaine:The podiatrist and Elaine reconciliation: 'You know, because I love the foot. I'm a big fan of the foot.' 'And that pinkie toe. Come on! How adorable is the pinkie toe? It's my favorite toe.'

Elaine:Elaine asking a stranger in the adjacent bathroom stall for toilet paper: 'I just forgot to check, so if you could spare some...'

Jane · Elaine:'No, I'm sorry. I can't spare it.' / 'You can't spare it?' / 'No. There's not enough to spare.'

Elaine:'Well, is it two-ply? Because if it's two-ply, I'll take one ply.'

Elaine:'One ply. One puny little ply. I'll take one measly ply!'

Elaine · Jane:'Look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply! No, no, don't go! I beg you!'

Elaine · Jane:Both Elaine and Jane recounting the same bathroom event from opposite perspectives simultaneously, each convinced they were the wronged party.

Jane · Elaine:Jane: 'I simply could not spare it.' Elaine: 'She wouldn't stop. Help me! Help me!' Jane: 'Please, please!' — each woman quoting the other's words back as evidence of insanity.

Elaine:Elaine: 'I will never forget that flinty voice. It is tattooed in my brain.'

Jerry · Elaine:The double-date plan reveal: Jerry fumbles describing Jane and then both couples express identical fake enthusiasm — 'Yeah, that should be real fun.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine on the phone with Tony: 'Then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat. How's that, Andre?' / Jerry: 'Andre? What about the driver?'

Elaine · George:Elaine: 'How's that, Andre?' George: 'Andre? What about the driver?'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine: 'We'd get in an accident.' Jerry: 'So what?' Elaine: 'Well, that wouldn't be very good.'

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine: 'Like you're one to talk.' Jerry: 'Elaine, it's different for a man. We're expected to be superficial.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry: 'He's a male bimbo.' / 'He's a mimbo.'

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine: 'He is an exciting, charismatic man who just happens to have a perfect face. And that's why you're going out with him.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry: 'I think George has a non-sexual crush on him.' Elaine: 'I think he does too.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry and Elaine: 'Step off?' / 'You said, "Step off"?' — incredulous repetition

George · Elaine:George asking Elaine if Tony likes peanut butter — 'Hates it. Good thing I asked.'

Elaine · Jane:Elaine and Jane meet — the audience knows they are the two women from the bathroom — and exchange forced pleasantries: 'It is so nice to meet you.' / 'I look forward to Saturday night.'

Elaine:Elaine's first concern: 'His face? Did something happen to his face?'

Elaine · Kramer · George:The slow revelation of the rock — 'A rock.' / 'Yeah.' / 'A big rock.' — with escalating specificity suggesting increasing disfigurement.

Elaine:Elaine asks about 'long, jagged scars, gross deformities, major skin grafts' — a comprehensive list of possible disfigurements she's been imagining.

Elaine:Elaine: '...in this sort of woozy state, do you recall the words radical reconstructive surgery being uttered?'

Elaine · George:Elaine tells George to 'step off.' George protests, Elaine repeats Tony's command: 'Tony says you better step off, George.'

Jerry · George · Elaine:Jerry, George, and Elaine mock-mourn not being able to go on their double date now that Tony is injured: 'It's a shame Tony got all banged up.' / 'Oh, that's too bad. What a shame.' / 'It's a damn shame. A damn shame.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'But he's my mimbo. And even if he is a hideous freak, maybe I can learn to love him. And maybe in some final irony, I'll learn what love really is.'

Jane · Jerry · Elaine:Jane: 'Excuse me. Do you have a tissue?' Jerry/Elaine: 'No, I'm sorry. I can't spare it. There's just not enough to spare.'

Elaine · Jane:Elaine and Jane end up in adjacent bathroom stalls again — Jane needs toilet paper.

Elaine:Elaine: 'I can't. I don't have it. I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square.'

Elaine · Jane:Jane: 'Hey, wait a minute. I know you!' Elaine: 'That's right, honey. And I know you!'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer · Jane:Jerry and Elaine reconcile by giving each other paper goods: Jerry hands Elaine a napkin, she thanks him. Kramer and Jane exchange phone-calls cut-off.

Jerry · Elaine:It's a wonderful thing, isn't it? / You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.

Jerry · Elaine:I'm looking forward to it. / Yeah. It'll be a very smooth transition.

Jerry · Elaine:But listen. Elaine, when we get up to the door, you hold the cake box. / Why? / I don't know. Just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string...

Elaine · Jerry:You think it's effeminate? / It's a tad dainty.

Jerry · Elaine · Woman in line:But we were here ahead of you. / How do I know that? / Well, we saw you come in. / Well, that's easy for you to say. / Oh, yeah, right. That's something I do. I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.

Elaine · Barbara:Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it? / Yes, it is.

Barbara · Elaine:As soon as I get there, I'm gonna tell everyone what a jerk you are. / I'll be there ahead of you and I'll be telling them what a jerk you are.

Jerry · Elaine:That's the last babka. They got the last babka. / I know. They're going in first with the last babka. / That was our babka. / They're gonna be heroes.

Elaine · Jerry:Well, how about a carrot cake? / Carrot cake? / Why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake, I'm sorry.

Elaine · Jerry:Black Forest? / Black Forest? Too scary. You're in the forest.

Elaine · Jerry:Hey, how about a napoleon? / Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless warmonger.

Elaine · Jerry:Well, we gotta get the cinnamon. / Yeah, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.

Elaine:I beg your pardon. Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka.

Elaine:People love it. It should be on tables in restaurants with salt and pepper. Someone says, 'This is so good. What's in this?' The answer comes back: 'Cinnamon, cinnamon,' again and again.

Elaine:Lesser babka? I think not.

Bakery clerk · Elaine · Jerry:That'll be 13.05. / All right, here you go. / A hundred. I can't change that. / You can't? All right, let's go.

Jerry · Elaine:Hey, anybody got change for a hundred? / Are you crazy? What are you doing? / You're gonna get us killed. / What?

Elaine:Well, your views on race relations are just fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for The Times.

Jerry · Elaine:It's a hair. / Take it back. Get another one. / No, we're late. I'll take it off. / Get another one. It'll take a second.

Elaine · Jerry:You use that misty herbal rainwater crap they sell in the health food store. / I use Prell, the hard stuff. / Hundred proof, takes your roots out.

Elaine · Jerry:Why couldn't we take the hair off and go? / No. That's out of the question. / Why? / Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger.

Jerry · Elaine:I once found a hair in my farina, and I freaked out. / You found a hair in your farina? / Yeah. / What happened? / I screamed: 'There's a hair in my farina. There's a hair in my farina.' I ran out of the house. I was running and running. I was little, but I could run really fast. And I just kept running and... they found me three hours later collapsed at a construction site.

Elaine · Jerry:Whose hair was it? / My mother's.

Elaine:You sold us a hair with a cake around it.

Elaine:Yeah, you wanna trade your hair for some phlegm.

Elaine:You win the pennant with that trade. Hair for phlegm.

Elaine:Wait till I get my hands on that George. I am gonna pull that big hood over his little head... tie the strings... and suffocate him.

Elaine:You remember that Panama hat? / That was nothing.

Jerry · Elaine:What's the matter with you? / I don't know. I don't feel so good. / What's wrong? / My stomach. / I think it was that cookie. / The black-and-white? / Yeah. / Not getting along?

Jerry · Man with cane · Elaine:Sorry. / Sorry? / You almost took my toe off. / Why don't you watch what you're doing, you lunatic.

Elaine:Jerry, I think he broke my toe.

Elaine · Bakery worker:Can I get you anything else? / Oh, no thanks. / How about a nice box of scram?

Elaine:Somebody put a cane on my foot, just like the one I'm gonna put up your...

Jerry · Elaine · George:Hey, what happened to your coat? / And what is that smell? What, are you drunk? / I had to give it to the liquor store guy. / What for? / I spilled some chardonnay.

Jerry · George · Elaine:So, what did you get? / Cinnamon babka. / Cinnamon? / Why didn't you get chocolate? / George.

Elaine:You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.

Jerry · Elaine:I'm looking forward to it. / Yeah. It'll be a very smooth transition. / Thank you.

Jerry · Elaine:You hold the cake box. / Why? / I don't know. Just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string... / You think it's effeminate? / It's a tad dainty.

Elaine · Barbara:As soon as I get there, I'm gonna tell everyone what a jerk you are. / I'll be there ahead of you and I'll be telling them what a jerk you are.

Jerry · Elaine:That's the last babka. They got the last babka. / I know. They're going in first with the last babka. / That was our babka. / They're gonna be heroes.

Jerry · Elaine:How about a carrot cake? / Carrot cake? / Why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake, I'm sorry.

Jerry · Elaine:Black Forest? / Black Forest? Too scary. You're in the forest.

Elaine · Jerry:Hey, how about a napoleon? / Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless warmonger.

Elaine · Jerry:Another babka? / There's chocolate, and there's cinnamon. / Well, we gotta get the cinnamon. / Yeah, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.

Elaine:I beg your pardon. Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka.

Elaine:People love it. It should be on tables in restaurants with salt and pepper. Someone says, 'This is so good. What's in this?' The answer comes back: 'Cinnamon, cinnamon,' again and again.

Elaine:Lesser babka? I think not.

Elaine:Well, your views on race relations are just fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for The Times.

Elaine · Jerry:It's a hair. / Take it back. Get another one. / No, we're late. I'll take it off. / Get another one. It'll take a second. / You sold us a cake with a hair on it.

Jerry · Elaine:You use that misty herbal rainwater crap they sell in the health food store. / I use Prell, the hard stuff. Hundred proof, takes your roots out.

Jerry · Elaine:I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. / Can you comprehend it? / No, I can't comprehend it. / We can put a man on the moon, but we're still basically very stupid.

Jerry · Elaine:The guy whose car this is could be the guy that built the rocket. / You see what I'm saying? / He could build the rocket. He's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in. / So you understand my point about building rockets and double-parking?

Elaine · Jerry:Are those shoes comfortable? / No, not really. / They look comfortable. / That's why I got them, but they're not.

Elaine · Jerry:Whose hair was it? / My mother's.

Pedestrian · Elaine · Kramer:Hey, hey, hey. That's great. That's very nice. We been waiting 20 minutes for you people. / You think you're Mussolini? / Back off, puffball, it's not my car!

Elaine:Wait till I get my hands on that George. I am gonna pull that big hood over his little head, tie the strings, and suffocate him. You remember that Panama hat? That was nothing.

Jerry · Elaine:What's the matter with you? / I don't know. I don't feel so good. / What's wrong? / My stomach. / I think it was that cookie. / The black-and-white? / Yeah. / Not getting along?

Elaine:Jerry, I think he broke my toe.

host · Elaine:What happened to you? / Somebody put a cane on my foot, just like the one I'm gonna put up your--

Elaine · Kramer:Hey, what happened to your coat? And what is that smell? What, are you drunk? I had to give it to the liquor store guy. What for? I spilled some chardonnay.

Host/Party Guest · Jerry · Elaine:So, what did you get? Cinnamon babka. Cinnamon? Why didn't you get chocolate? George.

Jerry · George · Elaine:Jerry tells the group he told Audrey 'we should have moving walkways all over the city,' and George, Elaine, and Jerry all agree it's a great idea with mounting enthusiasm.

Elaine:Elaine: 'I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'He could be eating a hero — he wouldn't offer me anything. It's a sickness.'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer bursts in with a pebble in his shoe, says 'I never heard of that happening to a woman.'

Elaine:Elaine's reaction beat to Kramer's 'exquisite' compliment — visible discomfort/flattery conflict as she processes being compared to a plastic puppet.

Elaine · Jerry · Saleswoman:Elaine confronts the snooty saleswoman about the mannequin; the saleswoman rolls her eyes at her complaint. Jerry: 'Did you just roll your eyes at him?' The saleswoman: 'If anybody should be rolling their eyes, it is me at him about you.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress?'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Listen, Natasha... I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your crummy little Eurotrash rags.'

Jerry · Elaine:George is 'guarding the suit' at the store. Jerry says this casually; Elaine says 'He's guarding a suit?'

Elaine:Elaine explains her list of suspects for the mannequin's origin: 'There's a blind guy at a party I was at who felt my face for a really long time... He almost put his finger up my nose.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry says 'I won't tell you the rest of the list' because he didn't think the blind guy did it. Elaine: 'Because you have an attitude.'

George · Jerry · Elaine:George walks in wearing the new suit, clearly thrilled. The gang reacts to a strange sound — a 'swoosh' when he walks.

Saleswoman · Elaine:The lingerie saleswoman recognizes Elaine as the mannequin: 'You were wearing a G-string and one of those bras with points.'

Elaine:Elaine to the store owner: 'That's my ass in your window.'

Elaine:Elaine learns from a friend in Chicago that there's another mannequin there that looks like her — 'What if there are more? Where are they coming from?'

Elaine · Jerry:Do I know him? / No. But of all the guys I know, I could envision you going out with him. / If you were a woman, would you go out with him? / If I was a woman, I'd be at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.

Elaine · Jerry:Well, just put it. / He took it out. / He what? / He took... it out. / He took what out? / It. / He took it out? / Yes, sirree, Bob.

Jerry · Elaine:There was no mistaking it? / Jerry.

Jerry · Elaine:So you were talking, you're having a pleasant conversation, and then all of a sudden... / Yeah. / It. / It. / Out. / Out.

Jerry · Elaine:Well, I can't believe this. I know Phil. He's a good friend. We play softball together. How could this be? / Oh, it be.

Elaine:Have you got any other friends you wanna set me up with?

Elaine · Greg:'Today was the first day I've worked out since the Central Park mini-marathon.' / 'You ran the mini-marathon?' / 'No, but I exercised that day.'

Elaine:'As an airline pilot, you're one of the few people who can say that and mean it.' (after Greg says 'I gotta take off')

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine proposes: 'What do you say, if neither of us is married in 10 years, we get hitched?' / 'Let's make it 50.' / 'We're engaged.'

Elaine:Elaine's detailed anatomical breakdown of the open-lip kiss: 'His upper lip landed flush on my upper lip, but his lower lip landed well below my rim.'

Jerry · Elaine:'Moisture?' / 'Yeah. Definite moisture.' / 'That's an open-lip kiss, all right.'

Jerry · George · Elaine:'You went... in the shower?' / 'Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one.' / 'Do you go in the shower?' / 'No, never.' / 'Do you?' / 'I take baths.'

Greg · Elaine:'You know where I can get some good olives?' / 'I can find out.' / 'Would you?' / 'Sure.' / 'Oh, a project. That's a definite signal.'

Greg · Elaine:'By the way, you look really great in that leotard.' / 'Thanks.' (Elaine's internal monologue: 'That's no signal. Who wouldn't like me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.')

Greg · Elaine:'I think I had a dream about you last night.' (Greg to Elaine) / Elaine's internal: 'Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me, we have an olive project, that's it. I'm asking this guy out.'

Greg · Elaine:"I think I had a dream about you last night." (Elaine internal) "Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me, we have an olive project — that's it. I'm asking this guy out."

Greg · Elaine:Elaine is about to ask Greg out, offers him water — he wipes the top of the bottle

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine re-analyzes: 'He even wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water.' / 'That doesn't mean anything.' / 'Are you kidding? That's very significant. If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs. He'd just crave my germs.'

Elaine:'Can we just drop the pee-pipes stuff?'

Elaine · George:Greg leaves sweat on the tanning machine without wiping it — Elaine interprets it as a signal of intimacy: 'He knew I'd use it next. He didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy.'

George · Elaine · Jerry:'A guy leaves sweat, that's a signal?' / 'Yes. It's a social thing.' / 'If he left a used Kleenex, what's that, a valentine?'

Elaine:'You know, I'm engaged.' / 'Yep, I'm getting married in 50 years.'

Elaine · George:You know, I'm engaged. / Yep, I'm getting married in 50 years.

Elaine:'Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it?' (Elaine to Greg, threatening him with the sweat rule)

Elaine:Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it?

Greg · Elaine:'Oh, I see. You're friends with the urinator, aren't you?' / 'Yeah, well... at least he had a drain.'

Aaron · Helen · Morty · Elaine · Jerry:Aaron the close talker's introduction — the physical discomfort of his proximity to the Seinfelds is implied in the scene

Jerry · Elaine:Maybe I'll try and catch up with you. Yeah, that will happen.

Aaron · Elaine:You don't mind, do you, Elaine? Mind? Oh, of course not.

Elaine:Don't you think it's odd that a 35-year-old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean, don't you find that abnormal?

Jerry · Elaine:From what I saw, it was pretty good. What do you mean, 'from what you saw'? Well, I didn't actually get to see the whole movie. Yeah, why not? I was kind of making out.

Elaine:I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time. We started up a little during the coming attractions, and the next thing we knew the war was over.

Elaine:Oh, I don't think so. I saw Newman, but he didn't see me.

Helen · Jerry · Elaine:It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off. Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? No! No!

Aaron · Elaine:I could've done more. I could've done so much more. You did enough. No. I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris. I could've got them out! You tried, Aaron. It was too expensive. This watch. This watch could've paid for their whole trip. This ring. This ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to.