The Face Painter

Jerry:So my girlfriend is crying, and I'm supposed to console her, right? But then I realize - we're watching Beaches. It's a Bette Midler movie. I mean, that's what it's designed to do. It's like getting mad at a toaster for making toast.

Jerry:I can't go over there. That's too far.

Jerry:You can't just sit there stone-faced while someone's crying next to you.

George:So what do you do?

Jerry:You gotta shift your body a few feet away. Make it look like you're very uncomfortable.

George:A few feet?

Jerry:Yeah, it's quite a voyage. You're like Magellan.

Jerry:You know what I don't trust? Understudies. There's something suspicious about them. They're like substitute teachers - nobody likes them, nobody wants them there, and deep down, everyone knows they're just waiting for their chance.

Jerry:I go backstage and I tell them the truth. I say, 'You know, you're not that good.'

Jerry:The singer goes, 'What?' I say, 'Your voice, it's not strong. You're straining.'

Jerry:The dancer, I tell him, 'You're heavy on your feet. You're clomping around like a horse.'

Jerry:And the comedian, I say, 'Your material is recycled. You're doing observational humor about airlines. That was done in 1987.'

Jerry:And then I look at the child star and I go, 'And you... you're a real Stinkaroo!'

Elaine:I was on the bus, and this guy kept talking on his cell phone the whole time. Just wouldn't stop. So I asked him to please get off the phone, and he wouldn't listen. So I grabbed the phone and threw it out the window.

Bus Driver:Then I had to throw her off the bus.

Korean Manicurist 1:Knock knock.

Korean Manicurist 2:Who's there?

Korean Manicurist 1:Interrupting cow.

Korean Manicurist 2:Interrupting cow w—

Korean Manicurist 1:MOOO!

Elaine:Wait a minute. He called me a dog. A dog! Why would he call me a dog? Unless... unless 'dog' means something different in Korean. What if it's a compliment? Like, 'You go, dog!' No, that doesn't make sense. He said it mean. He definitely said it mean. So it has to be an insult in Korean. But what kind of insult? What did I do to deserve being called a dog?

Jerry:Don't worry, you're not like other people.

Elaine:What do you mean?

Jerry:I mean, you're different. In a good way. You're not... typical.

Elaine:Jerry, that's not helping.

Jerry:Frank learned Korean so he could read the tags on all his Christian religious items. He's got a crucifix made in Seoul, a nativity scene from Busan, a Jesus figurine from Incheon. He's like, 'These are holy items, they should be made in a holy place!' I said, 'Frank, they're made in Korea.' He said, 'Exactly! Korea is very Christian now.'

Frank:I'm taking a Korean language class.

George:Korean? Why Korean?

Frank:I'm thinking about moving to Korea.

George:Korea? What are you gonna do in Korea?

Frank:I'm gonna meet the Korean spiritual leader, Rev. Moon.

George:Rev. Moon? Frank, you can't just show up and meet Rev. Moon.

Frank:Why not? He's very accessible. I'm taking the class, I'll learn the language, I'll go to Korea, and I'll meet him.

George:A bench player? There's no star on this show.

Gennice:Oh no! My hot dog!

Gennice:This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!

Kramer:Hey, hey, hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?

Gennice:I just... I can't... the hot dog...

Kramer:The hot dog? Oh, oh, oh. That's terrible. That's just terrible. You know what? You're gonna get through this. You're a strong person. I've seen you go through a lot, and you always come out on top. This hot dog thing? It's nothing compared to what you've already survived.

Kramer:I'll get you pineapple Italian ice.

Vendor:We don't have pineapple.

Kramer:What do you mean you don't have pineapple? You gotta have pineapple!

Vendor:Sorry, no pineapple today.

Kramer:Well, what do you have?

Vendor:We have lemon, lime, strawberry, mango...

Kramer:No pineapple? I promised her pineapple!

Frank Costanza:His face was like a big apple pie.

Elaine:Frank, I'll give you a pedicure. It'll be great.

Frank:A pedicure? What do I need a pedicure for? Look at these feet. These are good, strong feet. They've carried me for sixty-some years.

Frank:But I'll tell you something - the odor. The odor could knock a pigeon off a wire. I'm not kidding. I had to take my shoes off at the Port Authority, and a German Shepherd started foaming at the mouth.

George:We're playing against Bette Midler's team. We need to throw some chin music.

Kramer:Chin music? At Bette Midler?

George:High and tight. That's how you play.

Jerry:George, this is a charity game. It's supposed to be fun.

George:Fun? Jerry, we're playing against a legend. We show no mercy.

Frank Costanza:No one's touching my feet. Between you and me, Elaine, I think I got a foot-odor problem.

Jerry:You know, you stink.

Umpire:What did you say?

Jerry:I said... you... sink. Like the Titanic.

Frank Costanza:I'm going in there, I'm going to tell them the truth.

Elaine Benes:What truth?

Frank Costanza:That I'm not a very good person.

Elaine Benes:Frank, no!

Frank Costanza:I've done things, Elaine. Terrible things.

Frank Costanza:He said I was a 'bald man'. That's what she translated. But I'm thinking, what did he really say? He probably said something like 'Look at this bald idiot!' or 'Get this bald bastard out of here!'

Kramer:I'm coming, Bette!

Kramer:You know what this is? This is sabotage. Bette Midler didn't just fall into that wall—she was pushed.

George:Kramer, she got hit by a softball.

Kramer:That's what they want you to think! Broadway's a cutthroat business, George. You think Streisand didn't have something to do with this?

Jerry:So now we're blaming Barbra Streisand for a softball game?

Kramer:Wake up! It's all connected. The theater community, the producers, the unions—they're all in on it!

George:Hey, hey, everybody, let's all just calm down here. There's no need for anyone to get hurt. We can work this out like reasonable people.

George:Wait a minute... oh no. Oh no, no, no. Do you realize what you're about to do? My life is over. My life is completely over.

Kramer:I watched Beaches like 47 times. I know every word, every scene. I've cried so many times, my eyes have permanent tear tracks.

Bette Midler:That's... that's very sweet.

Kramer:Sweet? I watched it so much, I had to get a new VCR. The first one just wore out from the rewinding.

News Anchor:In a startling display of poor sportsmanship, George Costanza thoughtlessly rammed into another player during a softball game this afternoon.

Gennice:I just want to thank you guys so much for helping me with my career. I mean, I was going nowhere, and now look at me!

Jerry:Well, we didn't really do anything.

George:Yeah, it was kind of an accident.

Gennice:I know! Isn't it great? You guys are the best!

Bette Midler:You think you can just take my Broadway? MY Broadway? I've bled for this stage, I've sweated for this stage, I've given everything to this stage!

Bette Midler:And you — all of you — you come in here with your little schemes and your little plots, thinking you can push me aside? Me? The Divine Miss M?

Bette Midler:I am Broadway! Broadway is ME! Without me, there is no music, there is no magic, there is no ANYTHING!

Frank Costanza:What are they saying about me? They're talking about me, aren't they? I know they're talking about me!

Frank Costanza:Look at them! They're laughing! They're all laughing at me!

Frank Costanza:I don't appreciate it! I don't appreciate the way you people are treating me!

Korean manicurist:Oh! I know that voice! Frank Costanza!

Korean manicurist:You very angry man. You come in here, you sit down, you yell at everybody. You make big mess with the polish. You leave without paying!

Korean manicurist:You come back, you always come back. Same problem every time.

Elaine:What do you mean? My nails look great.

Korean manicurist:Not nails. Your shoes. You ruin shoes, you come here, you think manicure fix everything.

Elaine:That's not true!

Korean manicurist:I see you two years. Every visit, new shoes ruined. What you do with shoes?

Elaine:I don't know what you're talking about.

Korean manicurist:You know. Deep down, you know. Shoes never lie. People lie. Shoes tell story.

Korean manicurist:Your nails are problem. Very thick, very ugly.

Korean manicurist:You go. You go now. We don't want your business.

Customer:I'd like a turkey sandwich, but I want the turkey sliced very thin.

Counterman:How thin?

Customer:Thinner than that.

Counterman:You want it thinner than this?

Customer:Yes. I want it so thin I can read through it.

Counterman:You know, you're asking for a lot. You're asking for the impossible.

Customer:Look, I don't appreciate your tone. You better start taking this seriously or I'm going to have to take my business elsewhere.

Customer:If you don't give me a cookie, I'm gonna make a scene.

Vendor:You're already making a scene.

Gennice:So what's the deal with Bob Barker? Is he really like that all the time?

Jerry:Like what?

Gennice:You know, that enthusiastic, excited thing he does on The Price Is Right.

Jerry:What do you mean? You think he's faking it?

Gennice:I don't know. Is anyone really that happy about a new dinette set?

Elaine:I don't know where I'm going.

J. Peterman:None of us do, Elaine. None of us do.

Kim:This man also refuses to take his shoes off.

Coat Expert:You want to know who I am?

Coat Expert:I am J. Peterman.

Elaine:J. Peterman?!

Gennice:He's like some kind of psycho. He keeps calling me, showing up at my door. I told him to leave me alone but he won't listen.

Gennice:I'm telling you, this guy makes Tonya Harding's bodyguard look like a gentleman.

Cab driver:Wait a minute... you're one of them! You're one of the Bette Midler conspirators!

Cab driver:Get out of my cab! Get out! You think you can just ride around in my cab, plotting against Bette Midler?!

Cab driver:I don't want any part of this! Out! Out of my cab, you conspirators!

Cab driver:And don't come back here with your schemes and your plots! Bette Midler is a saint! A SAINT, I tell you!

J. Peterman:I was in Morocco, and I encountered the most remarkable man. He was wearing this exquisite linen shirt, hand-stitched, with mother-of-pearl buttons. It had a timeless quality about it.

J. Peterman:The cut was impeccable. The fabric had a subtle sheen that caught the light just so. I realized in that moment that this was not merely clothing—it was a philosophy.

J. Peterman:Our Moroccan Linen Shirt. 100% pure linen, hand-stitched with genuine mother-of-pearl buttons. Available in cream, taupe, and sage. Sizes XS through XXL. $185. Imported.

J. Peterman:This shirt is exquisite. The fabric, the weave, the construction. But what really sets it apart... is its touchability.

Elaine:Touchability?

J. Peterman:Yes. You can touch it.

Frank Costanza:You know, I've been thinking about you. We had something special.

Frank Costanza:So what if I said some things about Korean people? I was drunk!

Frank Costanza:That's ancient history. We're older now, we've grown.

Korean manicurist:You come back, you think everything okay? You think you just say sorry and she forgive you?

Korean manicurist:In Korea, man who do what you do, he bring whole family to apologize. He bring fruit. Expensive fruit!

Korean manicurist:You American men, you so lazy with romance. You think flowers from gas station work? Gas station!

Kramer:I made this for you. It's macaroni art.

Bette Midler:What is it supposed to be?

Kramer:It's you singing. I call it 'Bette Middler' — get it? Because it's made of noodles.

Bette Midler:Oh my God, this is extraordinary! This is the most magnificent use of pasta I have ever seen in my entire life. The way you've arranged these noodles, the color coordination, the sheer vision! This belongs in the Museum of Modern Art! Who is the artist? They're a genius, an absolute genius!

Jerry:So let me get this straight. Your boyfriend dumps you, you're fine. Your TV breaks, you're devastated.

Jerry:That's backwards! That's completely backwards!

Gennice:I'm finally on Broadway! This is my big moment!

Gennice:Wait... my shoelace is untied.

Gennice:I have to stop the show.

Elaine:Oh, that's not too expensive.

J. Peterman:This innocent-looking shirt has something which isn't innocent at all. Touchability. [...] Innocence and mayhem at once.

Kim:So many years, Frank. So many years. If only you had taken your shoes off.

Frank Costanza:Between you and me... I think your country is placing a lot of importance on shoe removal.

Frank Costanza:Between you and me, I think your country is placing a lot of importance on shoe removal.

Kim:You stopped short with me? We don't do that in Korea. Take me home! I never want to see you again.

Kramer:It's Macaroni Midler!

Bette Midler:You are so freaking talented.

George · Jerry:What's wrong? / I have a very bad feeling about this.

Kramer:Who are you to decide? I'm calling the shots around here so there won't be any more accidents.

Kramer · Bette Midler:There's only one place where I know you'll be safe. / Are you insane?!

Elaine:Well, I felt bad about the spying, so I got them tickets to the show.

Elaine · Jerry:Writing for the J. Peterman catalog. / How did you get that? / I met him.

Elaine · Jerry:He wore a classic horseman's duster... beige corduroy collar, 100 percent cotton canvas, high waist. Nine pockets, six on the outside. Great for running alongside a train... waving last goodbyes, posing on a veranda. Men's sizes small, medium, large... / Yeah, I'll see you later.

Jerry · Gennice:What is it? / My grandmother died. / Oh, I'm so sorry-- / Oh, no, it's okay. I'm fine.

Jerry:So you don't cry when your grandmother dies... but a hot dog makes you lose control?

Gennice:Wait, wait. Hold it. Stop! / I'm sorry, I have to start it over. Look at my shoelace. I can't do it like this. Please let me start it over? Please?