The Diplomats Club

Jerry:They have these airline clubs now, you know? You pay $150 a year, and you get to go into this special room. It's like they're saying, 'We know you hate waiting in the terminal with everybody else, so we're gonna charge you money so you can wait in a different room.' You're paying $150 to do things you can do anywhere. You can sit down anywhere. You can read a magazine anywhere. You can eat a stale cookie anywhere!

Jerry:So I'm thinking, what if there was an airline club, but you had to solve a Rubik's cube to get in?

Kramer:That's ridiculous.

Jerry:Or what about a club where you have to recite the periodic table backwards?

George:Who would join that?

Jerry:Exactly! That's the scam. You pay the membership fee, but nobody can actually get in.

Elaine:That's brilliant.

Jerry:And the club could have a club within the club. You have to beat everyone there at chess to enter the inner sanctum.

Kramer:Now you're talking!

Jerry:You see that curtain? That's not there for comfort. That's there for judgment. They're separating the good people from the bad people. First class gets to judge coach. 'Look at them back there, eating their pretzels like animals.'

Jerry:I joined the Diplomat's Club.

George:The Diplomat's Club? What do you do there?

Jerry:Well, we discuss international relations, politics, world affairs...

George:So you're a diplomat?

Jerry:No, I'm not a diplomat. I'm a member of the Diplomat's Club.

George:Well, don't you have to dress like a diplomat?

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:You know, the sash, the medals, the little hat with the feather...

Jerry:That's not a diplomat, that's a doorman at the Plaza!

Jerry:So you're gonna march in there, tell them off, and just walk out?

Elaine:That's right. I'm done. I'm marching in there right now.

George:You know what you should do? You should go in there, put your feet up on the desk, and tell them exactly what you think.

Elaine:I'm going to do that.

Jerry:And then what? You're just unemployed. How long can you last without a job?

Elaine:I have savings.

George:How much?

Elaine:Enough.

Jerry:That's not a number.

George:Of course it's transparent. That's the whole idea. I want him to see that I'm thinking about him. That I care. That I'm a good employee.

Jerry:By putting his picture on your desk?

George:It's called brown-nosing, Jerry. And it works.

Elaine:Mr. Pitt, I came to tell you I'm quitting.

Mr. Pitt:Elaine, you can't quit. I'm promoting you to Vice President of Creative Development, effective immediately.

Elaine:What? Now?!

Mr. Pitt:Yes. I've had my eye on you for some time. You're exactly what this company needs.

Elaine:I... I don't know what to say.

Elaine:You know, you really should be eating more vegetables. And getting more exercise. Maybe you should see a doctor about that cough.

Elaine:Oh, no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check before you combine anything with your heart medicine... We want you to live a long, long time.

George:I didn't mean it that way.

Morgan:No, no, no. You know what you said. And we all know what you meant.

George:I'm telling you, I look like Sugar Ray Leonard!

Jerry:George, you look nothing like Sugar Ray Leonard.

George:Come on, somebody back me up here. Anybody? The cheekbones, the chin... I'm like his twin!

Elaine:George, no.

George:Why is everyone against me?

George:I'm not a racist! I just think we should march on the homes of the wealthy on Long Island and redistribute their assets!

Jerry:George, that's communism.

George:So what? At least I'm not a racist!

George:You know what? I don't even care about the march anymore. I just wanted to impress Susan with my civic involvement.

Jerry:So this whole thing was just to get a girl?

George:She rejected me! She said I was 'not her type.' Well, I'll show her. I'll show everyone!

George:So you're telling me you thought Sugar Ray Leonard was actually made of sugar?

Kramer:Well, what else would I think? And Salt-N-Pepa? I figured they were a condiment duo.

George:They're people, Kramer. Musicians. Not ingredients.

Kramer:How was I supposed to know? Nobody tells me anything!

George:I don't have any Black friends.

Jerry:George, you don't have any friends.

George:Joe? Hi, it's George Costanza. We met at that party last week.

Joe:Yeah, hey George.

George:Listen, I was thinking we could hang out sometime. Maybe catch a movie or something?

Joe:Uh, sure, that sounds good.

George:Great! How about Friday night? There's this new action picture I really want to see.

Joe:Friday works for me.

George:Excellent! I'll pick you up at seven. Oh, and Joe? We should probably grab some snacks beforehand. I know this great place.

Joe:Sounds good, George.

George:This is going to be great. We're going to be best friends, I can feel it.

George:You know what you should do? You should watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. Great movie. Really great.

George:No, no, I'm telling you, it's a classic. Audrey Hepburn, very classy.

George:What do you mean you've seen it? Well, watch it again! It's even better the second time.

George:Or if you don't want to do that, there's always Casablanca. Now that's a movie.

George:Hi, I'm George. I'm a friend of your father's.

Child:MOM! MOM! There's a strange man in our house!

Mr. Pitt:I need something for my cold.

Pharmacy Clerk:Well, you could take this decongestant with this antihistamine, and throw in some of this cough syrup.

Mr. Pitt:Is that safe?

Pharmacy Clerk:Probably not, but you'll feel great!

Katie:Did you find the airport okay?

Jerry:Yeah, I just followed the signs that said 'Airport.' Then I followed the signs that said 'Terminal.' Then I followed the signs that said 'Gate.' It's like they want you to find it.

Katie:You see, when you get on the airplane, they have these things called seats. You sit in them during the flight.

Katie:And then there's something called the aisle - that's the space between the seats where people walk.

Katie:Oh, and this is important - when the plane lands, you have to get up and leave. It doesn't just automatically eject you.

Lawyer:You were supposed to be caring for Mr. Pitt. Where were you?

Elaine:I was shopping.

Lawyer:Shopping? While Mr. Pitt was dying?

Elaine:Well, I didn't know he was dying. I thought he was just napping.

Katie:You know, Jerry, when you have to go to the bathroom, your body sends signals to your brain.

Katie:It's important to listen to those signals and not ignore them.

Jerry:I think I know how to use the bathroom.

Katie:Do you? Because sometimes you get so distracted, you forget to go until it's almost too late.

Kramer:You know, the efficiency of the airport system is really remarkable. All these planes, all these people, all moving like clockwork.

Earl:Are you kidding? I've been waiting three hours for my luggage. They lost my bag, they overbooked my flight, and I'm pretty sure they sold my seat twice.

Earl:How about a little wager? Just a friendly bet.

Kramer:Oh no, no, no. I can't do that. I've been clean for three years.

Earl:Come on, just one little bet. What's the harm?

Kramer:You don't understand. I'm an addict. One bet and I'm back to square one.

Earl:It's just a friendly wager.

Kramer:Alright, alright. You know what? One bet. Just one. But that's it.

George:Hey, how ya doing? You from around here?

Black Man:Yeah, I live here.

George:Oh yeah? That's great. You know, I'm looking to meet some new people, make some friends. You interested?

Black Man:No.

Kramer:These guys are betting on flight arrivals. They're grown men cheering for airplanes like they're sports teams.

Katie:Jerry, there's a pilot in the audience.

Jerry:A pilot? What do you mean there's a pilot in the audience?

Katie:I'm serious. He's sitting right there.

Jerry:A pilot... an actual pilot? Like from an airline?

Katie:No, a TV pilot.

Jerry:Oh.

Jerry:So I'm up there doing my act, and I see this network executive in the audience. My brain just... freezes. I can't remember a single joke. I'm standing there sweating like I just ran a marathon in a wool suit.

Jerry:I start doing this thing where I'm just describing what I see. 'There's a... there's a light. It's very bright.' The audience is silent. Silent! I've become a performance artist, and not the good kind.

Jerry:That's when I realized – it's not about forgetting the material. It's about the pressure. You put one important person in that room, and suddenly your brain goes into witness protection. 'I don't know nothing about no jokes, officer.'

Jerry:I can't believe I bombed that set. I mean, what was I thinking? I had that whole bit about the pilot episode that nobody cared about.

Jerry:Why do I do this to myself? It's like I'm obsessed with pilots. Nobody cares about pilots!

Jerry:I should just stop. Stop talking about pilots. But I can't. I keep doing it.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I had a system at the airport. I was betting on everything - shoe shines, hot dog sales, which gate would board first.

Jerry:Kramer, that's not gambling, that's insanity.

Kramer:I lost forty-seven dollars.

Jerry:Forty-seven dollars? At the airport?

Kramer:Yeah, I bet twenty bucks that a guy's luggage would make it through security without being opened. It didn't make it.

Kramer:Jerry, come on, I need your help. I'm in deep with some guys. They're gonna break my legs!

Jerry:Kramer, I can't help you with this.

Kramer:Please, Jerry! What about this bag? What's in the bag, Jerry? You don't even know what's in the bag!

Jerry:I don't want to know what's in the bag.

Kramer:There could be anything in here! Money, jewelry, a dead body!

Pilot:I'm not flying this plane with you on board.

Jerry:What? Why not?

Pilot:I saw your comedy act last night. You made fun of airplane food.

Jerry:That's my material! That's what I do!

Pilot:Well, you're not doing it at 35,000 feet.

Jerry:I got kicked off the plane!

Katie:I was just trying to help! I told the flight attendant you had a bomb!

Jerry:You told them I had a BOMB?

Katie:I thought you said 'balm'! Like you needed a hand cream!

Katie:Do you prefer your coffee with cream or without?

Jerry:Katie, I don't care.

Katie:What about sugar? One lump or two?

Jerry:Katie, please, I really don't care.

Katie:Well, do you want it in a cup or a mug?

Jerry:A CUP, A MUG, A BUCKET! I don't care! Why are you doing this to me?

George:So you know any exterminators?

Jerry:Yeah, why?

George:I got bugs in my apartment. You know anyone?

Jerry:I might know someone. Let me check my Rolodex.

George:Actually, before you do that... they wouldn't happen to be, you know... Black?

Jerry:What?

George:Black. An exterminator who's Black. That would really complete my building.

Earl:What about the mailbag collateral?

Kramer:Oh, that belonged to a serial killer postal worker.

Kramer:I got it from a guy I know. He was moving, and he didn't want it anymore. So I said, 'I'll take it.' Turns out it was Son of Sam's mailbag. I'm his successor now.

Kramer:Yeah, well my dog told me to eat a sandwich.

Earl:Your dog told you to eat a sandwich?

Kramer:I know, I know. It's not as evil as Son of Sam's dog, but it's still a dog telling you what to do.

Katie:Jerry told me not to worry about the minor details.

Jerry:Minor details? Those aren't minor details. Minor details are things like... I don't know, whether your shoelaces are tied. Major details are things like... not knowing where your car is parked!

Karl:Yeah, that's Jerry.

Karl:But you know, I don't even see color.

News Reporter:We're reporting live from the scene where local comedian Jerry Seinfeld drove his car directly into a swimming pool. Jerry, what were you thinking?

Jerry:Well, I wasn't thinking. That's the problem. Katie said 'turn left,' I turned left, and apparently that's where the pool was.

News Reporter:And how did you get out?

Jerry:I swam. I'm not an idiot. Well, I mean, obviously I am, but I can still swim.

Mr. Pitt:That's the same fake pharmacist from the car accident!

George:This is Karl, the exterminator. In high school, they called him 'The Bug Man' because he was all over the field.

Karl:Actually, it was because I crushed bugs.

Earl:Wait a minute... Kramer knew about the delay before it happened?

Elaine:He said something about a tip from a friend at the airport.

Earl:That's insider trading! Well, insider flying.

Elaine:No, no, no! Mr. Pitt, Jerry didn't poison you! He would never do that!

Elaine:And my inheritance came from my grandmother! Legitimately! She left me everything in her will!

Jerry:Bridgette, I've been waiting to see you all week.

Bridgette:I know, it's been crazy.

Pilot:Excuse me, Jerry? We need to push back from the gate.

Jerry:What? Now?

Pilot:I'm sorry, we're on a schedule.

George:Karl and I, we're here all the time. We know the owner.

Karl:Yeah, we come in here whenever we want. Last week they had a rat in the kitchen.

George:Wait, wait! I'm a doctor! I'm a proctologist!

George:No, no, that's not a lie. I'm very successful. Very, very successful.

Assistant · Elaine:Elaine's assistant announces: 'Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone for you.'

Kramer · George:It's a mailbag. So what? — Do you know whose mailbag that is? David Berkowitz. Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.

George · Kramer:Where'd you get this? — I took over his route. And, boy, were there a lot of dogs on that route.

George · Kramer:Any of them talking to you? — Just to tell me to keep off the snacks.

Kramer · Earl:All right, how about Ithaca versus Boston? All right, I'm gonna give you a sporting chance. I'll take Ithaca.

Jerry · Rental car driver:Where are we? — I'm not sure. — Is this even a road? — Oh, we lost the road half-hour ago. — What? Well, why didn't you wake me up? — You told me not to bother you with minor details.

Jerry · Katie:Where are we? / I'm not sure. / Is this even a road? / Oh, we lost the road half-hour ago.

Rental car driver · Jerry:Should I keep going or turn around? Do you have a preference? — Look out!

Karl · George:Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my uniform? — Well, if the other people in the office saw that I had called an exterminator, they would just panic.

Karl · George:Funny white guy, right? — Jerry? — Yes, I suppose he is white. I never really thought about it.

George:I don't really see people in terms of color.

News anchor · Jerry:News report: 'A lost Manhattanite drove through a residential back yard and wound up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger, seemed a little freaked out.'

Lenore · Mr. Pitt:'That's him. That's the man who gave me the pills in the drugstore. He's no pharmacist.' — 'Seinfeld? I know that name. He called here earlier for Elaine.'

Lenore Walker:The estate lawyer sees Jerry on the news and says: 'That's him. That's the man who gave me the pills in the drugstore.'

Lenore Walker · Assistant:The estate lawyer: 'Seinfeld? I know that name.' / 'He called here earlier for Elaine.' — connecting all three plotlines simultaneously.

George:Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's all on me. Just do me a tiny favor. Pretend we're old friends.

George · Karl · Mr. Morgan:Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Karl. — I'm the exterminator.

George:That's what we used to call him in high school, 'The Exterminator.' He was a linebacker. Oh, boy. Did we have some wild times.

Kramer · Earl:Well, that Newman was your good-luck charm. — Yeah, he sure was. — I should've quit at double or nothing.

George:Yeah, he worked in the cubicle right next to me. We once double-dated.

Kramer · Elaine:You hear about his plane in Ithaca? Our stupid friend freaked out the pilot — single-handedly delayed the plane a whole hour.

Earl · Kramer:Your friend caused the delay? — You're a cheat. Nobody hustles Earl Haffler.

Elaine · Mr. Pitt:Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? — What? What? Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious? He's never even met you. — You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.

Jerry · Bridgette:I missed our whole time together. — Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half-hour. Really?

Jerry:Oh, my God. It's him. It's the pilot! [Jerry sees the pilot at the Diplomat's Club]

Karl:You wouldn't believe the rat droppings in the kitchen.

George · Karl · Mr. Morgan:George, at dinner with Karl and Mr. Morgan, improvising friendship history: 'Karl and I come here all the time.' / Karl: 'You wouldn't believe the rat droppings in the kitchen.' / Mr. Morgan: 'So you really are an exterminator?'

Mr. Morgan:This time, George, you've sunk to a new low.

Morgan:Check, please.

Restaurant host · George · Mr. Morgan:Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house. — Hear that? Hear that? Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!