The Fusilli Jerry

Jerry:Because men have to pretend they know what they're doing.

Jerry:You know what I realized? When a man opens the hood of his car, he has no idea what he's looking at. He's just standing there, nodding like he understands something. 'Yeah, yeah, that's the engine.' He doesn't know what any of it does. But he does it anyway because if he doesn't, his girlfriend will think he's an idiot.

Jerry:I'm looking at this thing, and I'm thinking, 'There's gotta be something simple here. Something obvious.' So I'm checking all the connections, looking at the manual... And then I see it. Right there. An on/off switch. I've been staring at this for twenty minutes, and the whole time... there's just an on/off switch.

Jerry:I don't care who Elaine dates.

George:You care. You always care.

Jerry:I don't care.

Kramer:Oh, you care. It's universal. You date an ex-girlfriend, you gotta deal with the ex-boyfriend.

Jerry:There's no rule like that.

George:It's in the Geneva Convention of dating.

Jerry:Who could be better than me? I mean, really. I'm perfect.

Elaine:Oh yeah, mechanics are incredibly sexy. There's nothing more attractive than a man who smells like motor oil and has grease under his fingernails.

Jerry:You know what's crazy? Lobster on a diner menu. Every morning, some guy's got to show up with fresh lobster. 'Hey, what if someone wants lobster today?' And he's got to deliver it. Every single day. What if nobody orders it? He's just driving around with lobster. 'Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow someone will want lobster.'

Jerry:This lobster is overcooked. The meat is tough, rubbery. And there's hardly any drawn butter.

Elaine:Jerry, it's a lobster. It doesn't know it's being critiqued. Just eat it.

Jerry:Their relationship only works with TV as a buffer.

George's Mother:I'm a divorcée.

George:Well, if you're separated, doesn't that make you a separatée?

George:You want me to date? You know what that means? That means you're dating too!

George's Mother:So what's wrong with that?

George:So what's wrong with it? Ma, I don't want to picture you out there... with a man. Kissing. Touching.

George:I'm picturing it now and I'm getting nauseous.

George's Mother:Well, what do you want me to do, just sit home alone?

George:Yes! Yes, that's exactly what I want! And frankly, I think you should get shock therapy to erase the very idea from your mind.

George:In fact, I'm calling Bellevue right now to set up electroshock treatments. Twice a week. Minimum.

Kramer:He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose — turned him into Ricardo Montalban.

Kramer:Look at this! They sent me the wrong plates.

Jerry:What do they say?

Kramer:Assman!

Jerry:Assman?

Kramer:Yeah! Can you believe that? I gotta drive around with Assman on my car!

Kramer:I'm not the Assman!

DMV Clerk:Well, according to our records, you are.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I'm not the Assman!

DMV Clerk:Sir, we have documentation. You'll need to update your file if you'd like to dispute this.

Jerry:So... that was... nice.

Elaine:Yeah. Nice.

Jerry:You know, we could do that again sometime.

Elaine:Sure. Sometime.

Jerry:I mean, if you wanted to.

Elaine:Right. If I wanted to.

Elaine:I'm telling you, Jerry, it's unmistakable. The way he does it—nobody else moves like that.

Jerry:You really think it's that distinctive?

Elaine:Are you kidding? I could spot that move from across the room. It's completely unique to him.

Elaine:I was just trying to explain to him why I couldn't help him move, and somehow we ended up talking about garages.

Elaine:I mean, think about it - garages are inherently sexually charged environments. It's dark, it's secluded, there's all this heavy equipment...

Jerry:Yeah, a garage. That's a guy thing. You know, we like to tinker around with our cars, work on our engines. It's very... hands-on.

Jerry:He stole my move! That's like if someone came into my apartment and started doing my act. 'Hey, what are you doing?' 'I'm a comedian now.' No you're not!

Elaine:What are you talking about? That's not a move, that's just... that's just normal!

Jerry:No, no, no. It's called the 'Reverse Sear.' You start low and slow, then finish hot.

Elaine:The Reverse Sear? Who comes up with these names?

Jerry:It's in the manual. Right there between 'The Marinade' and 'The Tenderizer.'

Jerry:Well, I have my techniques.

Elaine:He's a car salesman! They're supposed to be dishonest. That's their job.

Jerry:So what's the problem?

Elaine:The problem is he's dishonest with me. With me! I'm his girlfriend. He should at least be honest with me.

Jerry:So you want him to be honest with you, but dishonest with his customers?

Elaine:Yes!

Jerry:That's backwards.

Elaine:You know, Puddy is really honest. Most mechanics will rip you off, but not Puddy.

Jerry:An honest mechanic. That's like finding a needle in a haystack.

Elaine:I know, it's amazing.

George:You know, it's like you're hoarding all the good moves. I'm out here trying to make fire with two sticks, and you've got a blowtorch.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:I'm talking about the fact that you've refined the whole thing into some kind of science. I'm still in the primitive stages here.

Jerry:So what do you want me to do, forget everything I know?

George:No, I just want you to maybe leave a little something on the table for the rest of us. Some of us are still trying to get a spark.

George:I need a move. A signature move.

Jerry:A move?

George:Yeah, like a recognizable move. Something that sets me apart.

Jerry:What kind of move?

George:Something during sex. I'm lying in bed with a woman and I need something that will impress her, that will make her think I'm different from other guys.

Jerry:Like what?

George:I've been thinking about this. I call it 'The Move.' You're with a woman, you think things are going okay. Then suddenly, you do it. You just toss her on the bed, crawl up, and look her right in the eye.

Jerry:That's it?

George:That's it. Women go crazy for it.

Jerry:How do you know?

George:I haven't tried it yet. But I'm sure they will.

George:I mean, what am I doing? I'm not even close. I'm like a caveman. I'm dragging her back to my apartment, throwing her on the couch... I don't even know what I'm doing half the time. And she's just lying there, staring at the ceiling, wondering how much longer this is going to take.

George:So I'm getting more and more desperate, right? I'm trying everything. Nothing's working. And then... and then she lets out this little belch. Just a tiny little belch. And I'm thinking, 'That's it! That's validation! She's satisfied!'

Jerry:I'm very serious about this move. It requires complete commitment and focus.

Jerry:The technique involves a series of carefully orchestrated movements, executed in precise sequential order.

Jerry:One must maintain optimal positioning whilst simultaneously coordinating bilateral appendage engagement.

Jerry:The culmination of said maneuver results in what I refer to as 'The Reach Around' — a patent-pending methodology of intimate exploration.

Jerry:You know, moving is like sex. You have to be very careful about the angles, and if you're not doing it right, somebody's gonna get hurt.

Jerry:I'm going to tell you something, but you have to promise you won't tell anyone else. This move I'm about to show you... it's going to change your life. I'm not exaggerating. This could alter the very fabric of your existence. Once you see this, there's no going back.

Jerry:You know, it's like wine. Some people prefer red, some prefer white. But nobody judges you for it. Nobody says, 'Oh, you're a Chardonnay guy? That's so wrong.' But with this stuff, suddenly everyone's got opinions.

George:Which way do you go?

Jerry:What do you mean, which way do I go?

George:Clockwise or counterclockwise?

Jerry:I don't know. I never really thought about it.

George:Well, think about it!

Jerry:I go both ways. Whatever feels right at the moment.

George:You gotta have a system!

Kramer:Look at this, I made a pasta sculpture of you.

Jerry:That's... a lot of pasta.

Kramer:Yeah, well, I wanted it to be life-size.

Jerry:Kramer, that's not how pasta works.

Kramer:What do you mean? You're looking at it!

Kramer:I'm making a sculpture of you out of pasta.

George:Out of pasta? What kind of pasta?

Kramer:Ravioli.

George:Ravioli? Why ravioli?

Kramer:Because it's thick, it's sturdy, and it's got a lot of character.

Jerry:Why fusilli?

Kramer:Because he's twisted!

Jerry:So what's with the license plates?

Kramer:Well, I got new plates. They're personalized.

Jerry:Personalized? What do they say?

Kramer:They say 'ASSMAN'.

Jerry:Assman? How did you get assman?

Kramer:I don't know, I ordered them and that's what they gave me.

Jerry:You're not gonna keep them?

Kramer:Why not? I'm assman!

Jerry:Wait, are you talking about the original Assman? Wilt Chamberlain? Yeah, that guy could really—

George:The Assman. He's out there somewhere. Could be anyone. Could be you, could be me.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:The license plate. 'ASSMAN.' Someone's driving around with a vanity plate that says 'ASSMAN.'

Jerry:So?

George:So? So he's out there right now, probably doing ass-related things.

Jerry:A medical professional who specializes in that area.

Jerry:You know, proctologists are probably the funniest people in medicine. You should really stick around them for the entertainment value.

Jerry:Proctologists have the best stories because nobody ever tells the truth about how things got there. A guy comes in, there's a gerbil up there, he's like, 'I have no idea how that got there!' What do you mean you have no idea? It didn't just wander up there on its own!

Jerry:You know what the odds are of that happening? A proctologist tells you some story, and you're like, 'What are the odds of that happening?' And he's like, 'Well, I've been doing this for thirty years, and I've only seen it once.' So you do the math: one in ten thousand, one in a hundred thousand. And then the patient goes, 'Well, I guess I'm just lucky.'

Kramer:Where should I put the fusilli?

Jerry:I don't know, Kramer. Why don't you just stick it up your...

Jerry:You knew this move? Nobody knows this move! I've been working on this move for like three years. I'm the only one who knows this move.

Puddy:I know it.

Jerry:You do not know this move! This is my move! I created this move!

Jerry:It's not a twist, it's a twirl.

Puddy:Whatever.

Jerry:You know what? I think I've been using the wrong material. I need to work on my timing, my delivery...

George:Jerry, what are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm talking about my act. My technique. You gotta build, you gotta establish the premise, get some callbacks going...

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Jerry:A little foreplay, set up the expectation, then BAM! You hit 'em with the punchline.

Jerry:So we need to divide up the apartment based on who uses what for what. You get the bedroom for sleeping, I get the living room for... well, let's just say 'activities.'

George:Wait, so you're claiming the couch?

Jerry:I'm not claiming it, I'm just saying certain techniques require certain furniture. You can't do a proper move on a twin bed.

Jerry · George:There's a progression there. I told you to write it down. / Yeah, yeah. Should've written it down.

Elaine:This is amazing! Where did you learn this?

Puddy:I don't know, I just picked it up.

Elaine:Well, Jerry said you were terrible.

Pudty:Jerry said that?

Elaine:Yeah, he said you were the worst he ever had.

Pudty:Now I'm not gonna be able to do it anymore.

George:So Kramer's got this reputation, right? And now he's getting all these calls.

Jerry:What kind of calls?

George:People asking for his services. 'Hey Kramer, I heard you're the Assman. Can you come over?'

Kramer:These messages keep coming in on my machine. I don't know what to do about it.

Jerry:Just don't answer them.

Kramer's Machine:Hi, are you the Assman? We have a job for you...

Kramer:Yeah, I'm a doctor.

Kramer:Well, not a real doctor. But I'm very good with people.

Random Person 1:Hey! It's the Assman!

Random Person 2:The Assman! Yeah!

Random Person 3:We love the Assman!

Estelle:What is this? Who are these people?

Kramer:They know me from the back of my shirt.

Estelle:What? What is everyone looking at? Oh, they must have heard about my surgery. How do I look? The results are already showing!

George:I forgot the ending.

Jerry:You forgot the ending? George, that's the whole thing! That's the punchline!

Jerry:You know what mechanics do? They make up car parts. They tell you that you need a new 'Johnson rod' or something. And you just believe them! You don't know what a Johnson rod is. I don't know what a Johnson rod is. The mechanic doesn't know what a Johnson rod is!

Jerry:But you're gonna pay $300 for it because he says you need it. He could tell you that you need a new 'grommet valve' and you'd be like, 'Yeah, okay, how much?'

Elaine:He does this whole thing, it's like... it's like a movie. He's got the music, the lighting, the whole production.

Jerry:So what's wrong with that?

Elaine:It's all buildup! There's no payoff. It's like watching a two-hour trailer.

Elaine:This is ridiculous. I mean, I'm not even using half my moves. It's like having a whole field and only planting in one corner.

Elaine:It's a move where you kind of lean back, and then you snap forward and you do a little knuckle thing.

Jerry:A knuckle thing?

Elaine:Yeah, with your knuckles, kind of like this.

Jerry:Oh! That's the move from Flashdance!

Frank:He stopped short? That's my move! I invented stopped short!

Frank Costanza:It was the stopping short. I mastered it.

Frank Costanza:No woman had ever experienced it before. They didn't know what hit 'em. My reputation preceded me. All over the city, women knew about the stopping short.

Frank Costanza:That's right.

Frank:You stopped short! You stopped short!

Kramer:I stopped short? You're the one who stopped short!

Frank:Don't tell me I stopped short! I know when I stop short. I've been stopping short my whole life!

Frank:And another thing — I'm Assman! ASSMAN!

Frank:The Bro!

Kramer:The Manssiere!

Frank:The Bro!

Kramer:The Manssiere!

Frank:The Bro!

Kramer:The Manssiere!

Paramedic/Doctor:He was hit by a fusilli sculpture.

Jerry:A fusilli sculpture? How is that possible?

Paramedic/Doctor:Well, it fell off a shelf. The pasta broke into sharp pieces.

George:Pasta? He got hurt by pasta?

Paramedic/Doctor:It was a very large fusilli sculpture.

Dr. Cooperman:You're the Assman!

Kramer:Yeah, that's right.

Dr. Cooperman:I've heard about you.

Jerry:So what happened?

Kramer:I was making a salad, and I got the blade of the knife under the... the webbing here, and I was, uh, I was going like this, and then George came in and he bumped me from behind, and the knife went right through my hand.

Jerry:You're lucky you didn't sever an artery. You could've bled to death right there in your kitchen.

Kramer:I know.

Jerry:What are you gonna say to George?

Kramer:I'm not gonna say anything. It was an accident.

Jerry:You should at least tell him what happened.

Kramer:Well, I'll tell him, but I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it.

Jerry:When you do tell him, he's gonna say, 'Oh my God, I stabbed Kramer.'

Kramer:Oh my God, I stabbed Kramer.

Kramer:I was at the museum, right? And I see this sculpture, and I think, 'I can do better than that.' So I start rearranging the pieces.

Kramer:A woman leans against what I thought was a support beam. Turns out it was a Rodin. She dislocated her shoulder. The sculpture became a medical emergency.

Estelle:I'm so upset about Cosmo! My eyes are all swollen from crying.

George:Ma, you have your eye surgery tomorrow.

Estelle:I know! If I keep crying like this, my eyes are going to be too puffy for the doctor to operate!

Frank Costanza · Kramer:To think I almost split the profits on the Mansiere with you. / Bro. / Mansiere! / Bro! / Mansiere!

Frank:Oh, my God. [BEAT — the fusilli Jerry has apparently been sat on or otherwise inserted]

Doctor · Second Doctor:If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. / Me either. / They say this guy's the best. / He had to use corkscrew pasta.

Kramer · Jerry · Dr. Cooperman:Jerry, Jerry, come here. Take a look at this. The name on the boat. Look at it. / Assman! / Yeah, he's the Assman. Jerry, he's the Assman. / Which one is the son? / I am. I'm Dr. Cooperman.

Kramer · Dr. Cooperman:Excuse me, you didn't by any chance recently get the wrong license plates? — Yes, I'm still waiting for the Motor Vehicle Bureau to straighten it out. — So you're the Assman.

Frank Costanza:Million-to-1 shot, doc. Million-to-1.

Frank Costanza · Estelle · George:I fell on some fusilli. / Fusilli? / You know, the corkscrew pasta. / It was a fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. I had to go to the proctologist.

George · Estelle:Ma, don't cry! / Oh, I can't help it! / Ma, your eyes!

Frank · Estelle · George:The proctologist? Are you okay? — Yeah. — Oh, I was so worried. — Ma, don't cry! — Oh, I can't help it! — Ma, your eyes!