The Doodle

Jerry:So the exterminator tells me they don't kill the bugs, they just relocate them. I said, 'Relocate them? Where, to a nicer apartment?'

Jerry:I'm picturing the exterminator as a real estate agent now. 'Hey buddy, I got a great place for you. Rent-controlled, near the kitchen, lots of crumbs. The commute to the pantry is a breeze.'

Jerry:These animal rights people, they're testing on animals, they're very upset about it. But what about the bugs? Nobody cares about the bugs.

Jerry:I mean, we kill bugs all the time without even thinking about it. We just—

Jerry:*slaps bug* —swat 'em.

Jerry:So you're dating a nude model? That's like every guy's fantasy.

George:Yeah, what's the catch?

Kramer:The catch? Everyone else gets to see her naked except me!

Kramer:I find the whole thing very vexing.

George:These are very impressive. You know, I've always felt that the sketch is the lowest form of comedy. It's all just mugging and pratfalls. But you... you've elevated it to an art form.

Elaine:Thank you.

George:Of course, I could never do it myself. I'm much too refined for that sort of thing.

Jerry:Wait, you're not eating the nuts?

Date:No, I just chew them and spit them out.

Jerry:You chew them and spit them out? Why would you do that?

Date:I like the flavor, but I don't want the calories.

Jerry:Oh my God.

Paula:Do you want me to come with you?

Jerry:I can't believe I ate food off the street.

George:So what? I do it all the time.

Jerry:That's different. You do it on purpose. I did it by accident!

Jerry:It's not the same as kissing! When you kiss someone, that's it. But with the nuts, I'm following them on a journey. I'm going down the esophagus, into the stomach, through the small intestine, the large intestine, and then... let's just say the end result is not something I want to be personally invested in.

Shelly:You know what? You're all nuts!

Jerry:Wait, did she just call us crazy or is she mad about the snack mix?

George:What is this? What am I looking at here?

Paula:It's you.

George:Me? This is me? I look like a hostile character.

George:I look like someone you wouldn't want to get into an elevator with.

George:I look like I'm going to hurt somebody.

George:I look like someone who's come from hurting somebody.

Kramer:What's going on with George?

Jerry:George.

Jerry:Oh, you should definitely go to the Statue of Liberty. And take the subway - it's a real adventure. You might get mugged, you might not. It's like a box of chocolates, except the chocolates are angry and have weapons.

Kramer:Really?

Jerry:Yeah, and Times Square - go at night. Lots of interesting people. And don't make eye contact. Actually, do make eye contact. I don't know, just be yourself.

Kramer:Hey, that looks like Mr. Magoo!

Jerry:Yeah, that's Mr. Magoo.

Elaine:George, that's the most juvenile thing I've ever heard. You want me to find out if she likes you? What are we, in third grade? Why don't you just pass her a note that says 'Do you like me? Check yes or no.'

George:I can't just ask her. What if she says no? What if she thinks I'm weak? What if she loses all respect for me and tells all her friends that George Costanza is some kind of... of needy guy?

Jerry:You know what? You two are like Potsie and Ralph Malph from Happy Days.

George:What are you talking about? I'm not Potsie.

Jerry:You're totally Potsie. You're always getting into these ridiculous situations.

Elaine:So what does that make me?

Jerry:You're Ralph Malph. You enable him.

Kramer:These are Mackinaw peaches. They're the only ones I'll eat. The flesh is so delicate, so tender... it's like biting into a young boy's arm.

Kramer:Just taste it, Jerry. It's a peach.

Jerry:No! No, I'm not tasting anything. Remember the pistachio nuts? I'm done tasting things you bring me.

Kramer:It's like the Northern Lights of fruit. You see it, and then it's gone.

Jerry:Newman, I've got fleas. What should I do?

Newman:Fleas? I wouldn't worry about it.

Jerry:You wouldn't worry about it? They're all over my apartment!

Newman:Yeah, well, you get used to 'em.

Jerry's Mother:What's wrong, Jerry? You look terrible.

Jerry's Father:Yeah, what happened?

Jerry:I have something to tell you. I've been seeing someone... and it's not going well.

Elaine:So does Paula like George or not?

George:I don't know. She likes me, but she doesn't like like me.

Paula:George, I really like you. You know, it's not about looks. Looks aren't important to me.

George:Well, that's good, because I'm not going to win any beauty contests.

Paula:No, you're not.

Exterminator:You know, while I'm here fumigating, you might want to kill your parents.

Jerry:Come on, Kramer, my parents need a place to stay. The Plaza has great rates.

Kramer:No, no, no. I can't do it, Jerry. I can't be responsible for your parents at a hotel.

Jerry:What are you talking about? You're not responsible for anything.

Kramer:That's true. Okay, they can stay at the Plaza.

Elaine:Paula likes you.

Jerry:Oh no.

Elaine:What do you mean, 'oh no'?

Jerry:Well, George is going to completely sabotage this thing. He always does. He's gonna say something neurotic and self-deprecating, and she's gonna think he's insane.

Elaine:You don't know that.

Jerry:I know George. By the end of the week, she'll be filing a restraining order.

Elaine:She likes you, George. She thinks you're funny.

George:Funny? Funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown? I amuse her?

Elaine:No, no, she just thinks you're a funny guy.

George:Funny how though? Like funny peculiar or funny ha-ha?

George:What do you mean 'people like me'? What are you saying? That I'm some kind of... loser?

George:See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. This is why I can't get ahead in life. Everyone's always putting me down, making me feel like I'm not good enough.

George:And you know what? I was right all along. I knew it. Deep down, I always knew people looked at me this way.

George:I think I figured it out. I think ugly people live in a state of ignorant bliss. They don't know they're ugly. I wasn't like that. I always knew I was ugly.

George:Look, I'm not saying personality isn't important. But let's be honest - in five years, I'm not going to remember what she said to me. I'm going to remember what she looked like in that dress.

Jerry:That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

George:It's not sad, it's realistic. Beauty fades, but stupidity? Stupidity is forever.

Frank Costanza:These macadamia nuts cost ten dollars?! TEN DOLLARS?!

Frank Costanza:Do you know how many macadamia nuts you get for ten dollars? SEVEN! SEVEN NUTS!

Frank Costanza:That's a dollar and forty-three cents a nut! I'm not eating a dollar and forty-three cent nut!

Frank:A phone in the bathroom? This is luxury!

Frank:What am I gonna do, call someone while I'm sitting on the toilet?

Jerry:It's like Hiroshima! My apartment is like Hiroshima!

Kramer:Oh, it's just a little fumigation. What's the big deal?

Jerry:Kramer, you can't stay in there during fumigation!

Kramer:I'll be fine. I'm just gonna take a little nap.

Jerry:How long have you been in there?

Kramer:I dunno... three days?

Kramer:What's with the sign on your door?

Jerry:There's fumigation in the building. You can't go in there.

Kramer:Oh, I get it. Privacy. Don't worry, I didn't see anything.

Jerry:These wrappers... they're Newman's. He's the only one chunky enough to eat these.

Newman:I'm not chunky!

Jerry:Well, the evidence is pretty chunky.

Jerry:Newman, this is disgusting. You've got fleas!

Newman:They're not fleas, Jerry. They're... seasonal visitors.

Jerry:Seasonal visitors? Newman, look at this place. It's a petri dish. You're eating over a pile of crumbs the size of a throw pillow.

Jerry:You brought fleas into this apartment, Newman. I know you did. And you know you did. So let's just skip to the part where you admit it.

Newman:I don't know what you're talking about.

Jerry:Oh, you don't? You don't know about the fleas? The tiny little fleas that are right now burrowing into my skin, laying their eggs, their thousands of eggs, creating entire civilizations in the hair follicles of my body?

Newman:Jerry...

Jerry:Can you imagine? A whole society. They're building cities. They're establishing governments. They're creating art and music and literature. All in my epidermis.

Newman:Jerry, my life is rife with such torments.

Estelle:Oh my God, I spilled something on the carpet! Do you know how much this carpet costs? Get me the manager!

Estelle:I want this cleaned immediately. And I want a complimentary suite for the inconvenience. Actually, make it two suites.

George:So you don't care about my appearance at all?

Paula:George, I could care less if you showed up tomorrow with a mohawk and a dress made of salami. I would not care one iota. You could have a third arm growing out of your forehead, and I would still think you were the same George I know and love.

Elaine:The manuscript explores themes of isolation, alienation, and the search for human connection in modern society.

Jerry:Isolation, alienation... human connection. Right, right.

Elaine:And the protagonist's struggle with his relationship to his mother's casserole dish.

Jerry:His relationship to his mother's casserole dish?

Jerry:What's wrong with unbridled enthusiasm?

Elaine:It's like a disease, Jerry. Once you catch it, you're done for.

Elaine:So Billy Mumphrey, he's just a simple country boy, right? From Nebraska or something. And he goes to New York to make it big.

Elaine:Next thing you know, he's involved with the State Department, international espionage, stealing microfilm from the Russians...

Elaine:And somehow he ends up with his face on the cover of a magazine, and nobody even knows who he is!

Jerry:I can't taste anything! I mean, nothing. It's like my tongue is on strike.

Jerry:I had coffee this morning — I couldn't taste it. Bagel — nothing. Juice — it was like drinking colored water!

Jerry:This is insane. How am I supposed to eat? What's the point of putting food in my mouth if I can't taste it?

Jerry:I could be eating a steak or a shoe right now and I wouldn't know the difference!

Jerry:This is a disaster. A complete disaster.

Jerry:Oh, I couldn't possibly use your toothbrush.

Shelly:What do you mean? It's a brand new toothbrush!

Jerry:I appreciate it, really, but I have my own.

Shelly:Don't be ridiculous! Just use it!

Jerry:No, no, I'm fine.

Shelly:You're using the toothbrush!

Jerry:I can't taste anything! My taste buds are gone!

Newman:Well, if you can't taste them, you might as well give them to me.

Elaine:Billy Mumphrey represents the tragic hero archetype — a man caught between his desires and societal expectations. His very name is a linguistic commentary on the mundanity of existence.

Executive:My God, that's brilliant. We need to develop this character further. This is Dostoevsky-level stuff.

Elaine:Well, I mean... it's really not that deep. I was just...

Executive:No, no. You've cracked something fundamental about the human condition. We're greenlighting this immediately.

Mr. Mandel:You see, the Billy Mumphrey incident reveals a profound truth about human nature. When Elaine fabricated that entire story, she was actually expressing a deeper psychological need.

Elaine:I made it up.

Mr. Mandel:Exactly. And in that fabrication lies the real authenticity of her emotional state.

Jerry:What are you wearing?

George:Paula said I'd look good in velvet.

Jerry:So you just... bought a velvet suit?

George:She said velvet!

George:My search for love is over.

Jerry:Now you need therapy.

Jerry:So where am I supposed to stay?

George:You can stay at my place. I just got this new velvet chair.

Jerry:Velvet? George, you look like the Velvet Fog.

George:The Velvet Fog? That's Mel Tormé!

Jerry:Exactly. You're the Velvet Fog now.

Hotel Manager:Let's see here. Mini bar: $1,847. Pornographic movies: $1,200. Bed, completely destroyed: $2,400. Nightstand, broken: $300. Lamp: $250. Phone: $180. Pictures on the wall: $500.

Hotel Manager:Total damage: $6,677.

Frank Costanza:That's impossible! We were only in there three hours!

Hotel Manager:You must have been very busy.

Elaine:No, no, no, you don't understand. It was a Bizarro thing!

Executive:A Bizarro thing? Look, I don't know what you're talking about. Why don't you go ask Bizarro Jerry about it?

Jerry:This is it. The last day of peach season. The final peach.

Newman:Oh, a peach!

Jerry:No, no, no! That's my peach!

Newman:Mmm, delicious.

Newman:You want the pit?

Jerry:No, I don't want the pit!

Newman:It's still got some meat on it.

Kramer:You gotta get a dog, Newman. A big dog.

Newman:A dog? What do I need a dog for?

Kramer:Protection. Look at you.

Dog Owner:Here, boy! Get him!

Newman:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on?!

Dog Owner:He's a mailman! He hates mailmen!

Kramer:Jerry, your masseuse is here!

Jerry:Great, send her in.

Kramer:She's ready for you.

Morty:A masseuse? In the apartment?

Frank:What kind of masseuse comes to the apartment?

Jerry:A licensed masseuse, Dad. She's a professional.

Morty:That's what they all say.

Frank:Yeah, you're not fooling us, Jerry.

Nana · Jerry's Mother:This champagne's gone flat. — Nana. — Let the chambermaid clean it up.

George · Paula:I suppose I could pull this out and walk around like this and you wouldn't care. — Not a whit. — I suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I could wear sneakers and jeans. — You could wear sweatpants. — I could?

Paula:You could drape yourself in velvet for all I care.

George:George's reaction shot: 'Velvet?' — He stares into the distance as if seeing his destiny for the first time.

Elaine's Boss (Mr. Mandel) · Kramer:Did you read the whole thing? — Oh, yeah. — So, what's it about? — Well, it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust... and unbridled enthusiasm.

Kramer:Unbridled enthusiasm? That's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

Kramer:You see, Billy was a simple country boy... you might say a cockeyed optimist... who got himself mixed up in the high-stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.

Jerry:Well, this food, it has no taste. Nothing. I'm getting nothing. It must be the toxic gas from the fumigation.

George · Shelly:Thanks for letting me stay here. — I don't keep pecans in the house, so I didn't think there would be a problem.

George · Shelly:I forgot my toothbrush. — Oh, no problem. You can use mine. — Yours? — You know what? I'll brush later. — Brush now.

Jerry · Newman:Newman, let me have a bite of your Mackinaw. — What for? You got your own. — Come on, I need to taste it. — [Newman shares, Jerry bites] Nothing. I can't even taste a Mackinaw.

Newman:You can't taste them, why waste them? Why not give them all to me?

Newman:You can't taste them, why waste them? Why not give them all to me?

Elaine · Mr. Mandel:It's a story about love, deception... greed, lust... and unbridled enthusiasm. — Unbridled enthusiasm? — Yeah, yeah. That's right. That's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

Elaine:Elaine delivers the Billy Mumphrey analysis again to the Viking Press editor — almost word-for-word what Kramer told her

Elaine:Yes. Yes, Mr. Mandel.

Leo · Helen (Jerry's Mother):Hey, Under Siege is on again. Who's up for it? — No more nuts.

Jerry · Elaine:Oh, my God. What the hell is this? — Don't tell me. Velvet?

George · Jerry:It's the real deal. — She's seen you in this thing? — That's right. We just had sex.

George · Jerry:Jerry, I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over. — And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.

Jerry · George:So, what's with the suitcase? — She threw me out. — Why? — I wouldn't use her toothbrush.

George:I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog.

Mr. Mandel:Three hours of massage time, 12 in-room movies including several adult features, five shoeshines, and $400 worth of snacks. Not to mention the damage to the room.

Elaine:Mr. Mandel, you don't understand. My friend had fleas. I ran into the gas. It could have killed me. My other friend couldn't taste his peaches. They're only good for two weeks.

Mr. Mandel:I think you've read one too many Billy Mumphrey stories.

George · Paula:This is fantastic. — Ever had a Mackinaw peach? — Oh, yeah. I love those. — Well, too bad. It's all done.

Jerry:Yes. Yes, it's back. I can taste again. What's the date? — Fifteenth. — Fifteenth. Yes! Last day for the Mackinaws. I can still make it.

Jerry · Newman:Wait, Newman. Newman, wait. — Sorry. Last one. — But if you want to suck the pit...

Kramer · Jerry:Look, Beauford. It's the mailman. You remember the mailman, don't you? — Kramer, don't. — Get him!

Newman:Hello? Is anybody here...?

Unknown (Plaza Hotel staff or Mr. Mandel):They said they were sending over an Asian woman.

Unknown:Oh, my God. [Reaction to the unexpected person/sight at the Plaza door]