The Boyfriend (1)

Jerry:People work out to get in shape. But what are they getting in shape for? Nothing. They're not training for anything. You don't see these people at the Olympics. 'Oh look, there's a guy on the StairMaster, he's preparing for the Stair Event.' There is no Stair Event. They're just doing it to look good. But if you're not doing it for anything, why do you need to look good? Who are you trying to impress? You're alone on the StairMaster. The machine doesn't care what you look like.

Jerry:Why are we so careful locking up our disgusting gym clothes? 'What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym clothes?'

Jerry:Jerry hands his car to any stranger in a short red jacket ('He must be the valet guy') but locks his stinking gym clothes with a bullet-proof lock

Jerry:But they're disgusting items nobody would want

Jerry:You know what I think? I think there's a black market for gym clothes. Somewhere in the city, there's a guy selling used workout gear. 'Hey buddy, I got some sweatpants, barely worn. Still got that authentic gym smell. Top dollar.'

Jerry:We trust strangers with cars based on a jacket. A valet comes up, you give him your car. You're like, 'Here, take my car.' 'Oh, I have a jacket!' 'OK, take it!' That's all the qualification you need. A jacket. You could be a complete maniac. You could steal the car, crash it into a building, but as long as you have a jacket, we're good.

Jerry:We trust these guys with our cars. Multi-thousand dollar vehicles. We just hand them the keys. But god forbid they touch your jacket—you gotta get a claim ticket, sign forms, like you're checking nuclear weapons into a vault.

Jerry:I mean, it's just basketball. It's a game. But some people, they take it so seriously. Like their entire identity is wrapped up in whether they can make a jump shot. I'm watching these guys at the gym, and they're playing like it's the Finals. The Finals! It's Tuesday at 2 PM. Nobody's watching. There's no contract. There's no endorsement deal. It's just you, a ball, and a hoop that's slightly bent because someone dunked on it in 1987.

Jerry:You're a ball hog! You never pass the ball!

George:I'm not a ball hog.

Jerry:Yes you are. You hold onto that ball like it's made of gold.

George:Well, I never actually saw the ball.

George:You're a chucker! You just chuck the ball up there without any finesse, any technique.

Jerry:I'm a chucker? What does that even mean?

George:It means you're a chucker! A chucker chucks!

Jerry:That's not a real basketball term, George.

George:It is now.

Jerry:A chucker? I'm not a chucker! What are you talking about? I don't chuck things!

Jerry:I'm not chucking anything.

Jerry:I don't chuck.

Jerry:I have never chucked.

Jerry:I would never chuck.

Jerry:Chuck is not in my repertoire.

Jerry:So you think I'm a good person?

Kramer:Yeah, you're a good person.

Jerry:His dramatic acceptance of the truth

Jerry:You know what really bothers me? You called me a chucker.

Kramer:So?

Jerry:So? Kramer, that's a serious character flaw. I'm not a chucker.

Kramer:Oh, come on. Everybody chucks sometimes.

Jerry:Not like that. Not the way you said it.

Kramer:Well, maybe if you worked on it, spent some time, you could stop chucking.

Jerry:You know what I hate? When you're in the locker room and a guy walks by completely naked, and he's got like a little towel, and he's not even trying to cover up. Just walking around like he owns the place. And then he stops to talk to you. Now we're having a conversation, and I'm trying to look at your face, but I'm also very aware that you're completely nude. It's awkward for both of us, but especially for me, because I'm the one who has to pretend not to notice.

Jerry:I didn't look.

George:I looked.

Jerry:Why do you look so upset?

George:My life is a mess. I'm broke, I'm single, I'm going nowhere.

Jerry:So what are you going to do about it?

George:I'm going to do the opposite of every instinct I have. If I think something will make me happy, I'm going to do the opposite.

Jerry:If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:Yeah, I'm going to do it.

George:I looked.

George:But it was too fast.

Jerry:I don't want that information! I don't need that information!

Jerry:Why do people stretch in the locker room? You're already here. You already made the trip. Just get on the equipment like everyone else. But no, they gotta do these elaborate stretches, taking up space, blocking the mirror. 'Oh, I'm limbering up.' You know what? Limber somewhere else.

Jerry:Is that...? Oh my God, that's a celebrity!

George:Yeah, and they're a real person too.

Jerry:What? Of course they're a real person!

George:You know, I'd like to be a buff. You know, like Keith with the Civil War. I'd like to be a buff of something.

Jerry:What would you be a buff of?

George:I don't know. Buffaloes maybe.

George:I'm thinking about getting into shape. You know, really buff myself up.

Jerry:Buff? George, that's what you call it when you polish something. You're not a Cadillac.

George:What do you want me to say?

Jerry:I don't know, 'getting in shape,' 'working out,' something normal. Not 'buff.'

George:Well, what's wrong with buff?

Jerry:Nothing, if you're a 1987 Buick LeSabre.

Jerry:You want to be a Civil War buff? George, you can't even be a regular buff. You're not a buff of anything. You don't have the dedication. A buff has to read books, go to museums, watch documentaries. You won't even get off the couch to change the channel.

George:I'm going to go talk to him.

Jerry:George, you can't just go bother Keith Hernandez.

George:Why not?

Jerry:Because he's Keith Hernandez! You can't just walk up to Keith Hernandez and start talking to him like he's some guy at the coffee shop.

George:Keith's a big shot. He's got a corner office, he's got a secretary, he's got the respect of the entire office.

Jerry:So?

George:Baseball?!

George:Keith? Keith is a big deal. He's out there doing important things. What are you doing? You're making wisecracks for a living.

George:Keith is very important. He's the NUMBER TWO guy at the New York Yankees front office!

Keith:Jerry! I'm a huge fan of yours!

Jerry:Oh, thanks. That's nice.

Keith:Yeah, I watch your show all the time. You're hilarious.

Jerry:Well, I appreciate that.

Keith:So... what are you doing later?

Jerry:Later? Uh, I don't know. Why?

Keith:I was hoping maybe we could hang out. Get some coffee or something.

Jerry:Coffee? With you?

Keith:I really admire your career, Jerry. You're doing so well.

Jerry:You admire MY career? Keith, you're a marine biologist!

Keith:Yeah, but you're on TV.

Jerry:You study whales!

Keith:Yeah, but nobody knows about it.

Jerry:So, how about that weather? You know what I was reading about? Plane crashes. Did you know that statistically you're more likely to die in a car accident than a plane crash? Yeah, but who's thinking about car accidents when they're sitting in a plane? Nobody. They're thinking about plane crashes. That's what I'd be thinking about. I'd be sitting there, the pilot comes on: 'We're experiencing some minor turbulence.' Minor turbulence? I'm thinking, 'That's it, we're going down. This is how it happens. This is the way I go.'

Jerry:You know what bothers me about plane crashes? They always say 'there were no survivors.' Why do they have to phrase it that way? That's what a plane crash is. A plane crash means there are no survivors. If there were survivors, it wouldn't be a crash, it would be a landing. 'Yeah, we had a little problem with the landing gear, but we all made it out fine.' That's not a crash.

Jerry:But they always have to say it: 'a small plane crashed today, there were no survivors.' Well, what did you expect? Did you think everyone walked away? Did you think they all got out, stretched their legs, and went to get a soda?

Jerry:And another thing - they say 'the plane was headed to Miami, but it never made it.' Of course it never made it. It crashed. That's the opposite of making it. If a plane crashes, the one thing we know for certain is that it did not make it to Miami.

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer evaluates Jerry's shirt for the Keith hangout: 'It's too busy. You're trying too hard to make an impression. You're not being yourself.' / Kramer: 'What guy?'

Keith:So you're the chucker.

George:I don't know what you're talking about.

Keith:Yeah, you are. I can tell. You got that chucker look about you.

Jerry:I'm waiting for Keith to call me back. He said he'd call me back.

Jerry:It's been three hours. Why hasn't he called? What did I say? Did I say something wrong?

Jerry:Maybe he doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I misread the whole thing.

Elaine:You should call Keith.

Jerry:I can't call him. He has to call me.

Elaine:Why?

Jerry:Because if I call him, then I'm too eager. I don't want to seem desperate.

Elaine:So if you're on a date with a woman and she says she has a male friend, what do you do?

Jerry:Well, you have to assume the worst. I mean, that's what I do. I assume he's trying to sleep with her.

Elaine:That's ridiculous.

Jerry:Is it? Name one guy friend who doesn't want to sleep with his female friend.

Elaine:My friend Mike!

Jerry:Oh, come on. Mike wants to sleep with you.

Jerry:You know what kills me? We apply all these romantic rules to dating, but we never apply them to male friendship. If I don't call my friend for two weeks, he's not mad at me. But if I don't call a woman for two weeks, it's like I'm dead to her.

Jerry:With a woman, you miss one call, suddenly you're the bad guy. With a guy? I could not call him for a month. When I finally do call, he's like, 'Hey! Where you been?' No anger, no resentment. But that same woman? 'Oh, so NOW you remember I exist?'

Jerry:Sounds exactly like woman complaining about men

Jerry:Why does everyone call me 'honey' like I'm some kind of child?

Elaine:Oh honey, I don't know what you're talking about.

Jerry:So wait, let me get this straight. You're telling me you're not going to call him back?

George:That's right.

Jerry:But he called you. Twice.

George:I know, but I'm just not that into him.

Jerry:George, he's your best friend.

George:So? I don't owe him anything. If I'm not feeling it, I'm not feeling it.

Jerry:'Best guy I ever met' - classic post-first-date hyperbole

Jerry:You know, I realized something. We say 'til death do us part' for marriages, right? But what about friendships? I mean, shouldn't there be some kind of vow? Like, 'I promise to be your friend... 'til death do us part.' But guys never say that stuff. We just grunt at each other and watch sports.

Elaine:He's been really busy with work.

Jerry:Oh, he's been busy. Well, that explains it. I thought maybe he didn't like you.

Jerry:I hate when people say 'I've been so busy.' What does that mean? You know what that means? It means you don't want to talk to me. Because if you wanted to talk to me, you would find the time. You'd make the time. People make time for what's important to them.

Jerry:And it's not like a phone call takes that long. What is it, three minutes? Four minutes? You're telling me in the course of a week you can't find four minutes? You watch television. You're on the internet. You've got four minutes.

Jerry:Just pick up the phone. 'Oh, I've been so busy.' No, you haven't. You've been avoiding me. Just say it.

Elaine:Jerry, he's a man.

Jerry:You know what's crazy? Making friends as an adult. It's like dating, but nobody's trying to sleep with you. You just end up sitting across from each other at a diner going, 'So... you like cereal?' It's impossible. In high school, you make friends because you have to see each other every day. You're trapped together in biology class. Now? Now you have to actively schedule friendship. 'Hey, you free Thursday at 7? I'd like to hang out and establish a non-romantic bond.' It's weird. It's all weird.

Jerry:You know what the problem with adult friendship is? It's like a job, except you don't get paid. And there are no new hires. Once you get to a certain age, it's like the friendship department is closed. You can't just walk in and say, 'Hi, I'd like to apply for the position of best friend.' They're like, 'Sorry, we're not hiring right now.'

Jerry:You know, making friends is like a job interview. You meet someone, you think they might work out, but then you realize they're not quite right for the position.

Jerry:And the worst part? You have to give them the rejection speech. 'Thanks for coming in, we'll keep your résumé on file, but we've decided to go in another direction.'

Jerry:You know what I realized? As a kid, your best friend is determined entirely by proximity. Whoever lives next to you, that's your best friend. That's it. There's no interview process, no compatibility test. Just, 'Oh, you live two houses down? We're best friends now.'

Jerry:As an adult, it's completely different. You have to actually like the person. You have to have things in common. But as a kid? Kid moves in across the street, suddenly you've known him your whole life.

Jerry:You know what I realized? The qualifications to be a kid's friend are so incredibly low. You just need two things: proximity and the ability to throw a ball. That's it. You could be a convicted felon. 'Hey, want to be friends?' 'Sure, I'll throw a ball with you.' Boom. You're in the club.

Jerry:You know what I realized? When you're a kid, your best friend is determined by one thing: proximity. That's it. You live next to someone, boom, best friends. I had a best friend in third grade named Danny. You know why? Because his house was near mine. That's the only criteria. We had nothing in common. He liked sports, I liked comic books. He had a dog, I was allergic to dogs. But every day after school, there we were. Best friends. Because geography.

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving it. You know, I've decided to take a different approach to the job search. I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'm just going to let life happen to me.

Jerry:That's a terrible strategy.

George:Is it? Because I've found that the less I do, the more interesting things happen to me.

George:I'm unemployed and living with my parents. I'm not looking for a job. I'm looking for a way out of this situation. But the only way out is to get a job. So I'm looking for a job. But I'm not looking for a job, I'm looking for a way out of this situation.

George:Well, I work in an office with a lot of people. We blend our talents together.

George:Vandalay Industries.

George:Latex manufacturing.

George:I'm in the latex business.

George:I'm a latex salesman.

George:I work in the office and I have a very good life.

George:I'm very upset. I'm beside myself. I don't know what to do.

George:I feel like my life is falling apart.

George:I'm telling you, I can't take this unemployment office anymore. They keep asking me what my skills are.

George:You know what? I'm going into the gum business. Gum. That's it. I know people in gum.

George:My cousin Vinnie? He knows a guy who works in a gum factory in Jersey. We could make a fortune.

George:I know the gum guy. We go way back. He's very connected in the gum world.

Jerry:Connected in the gum world?

George:You don't understand. This guy, he's got connections. He can get me any gum I want. Any flavor, any style. Spearmint, wintergreen, cinnamon — you name it, he can get it.

Jerry:It's gum, George.

George:You're not listening to me! This guy is plugged in! He knows people. Important people in the gum industry.

George:It's 129 West 81st Street, apartment 5B.

George:It's a small company. We're not a large operation.

George:I'm giving you a fake number. You're not going to call anyway, so what does it matter? Besides, when you do call and nobody answers, you'll think 'Oh, the line must be busy' or 'Maybe they're not home.' You won't think I'm a liar.

George:George visits the baby and immediately says: 'Lyndon Johnson.' / 'What? Lyndon Johnson?' / 'He's joking.' / 'No, I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.'

Friend:You have to come see the baby!

Jerry:Why don't you just send us a tape?

Friend:A tape? You want us to send you a tape of our baby?

Jerry:Yeah, that way we can fast-forward through it.

George:I'm not going to see the baby. I'm not going to the hospital.

Elaine:What? Why not?

George:I don't like babies. I don't like the idea of babies. I'm not going.

Elaine:It's Susan's baby!

George:I don't care. You know what happens when you go see a baby? They expect you to be interested. I can't fake interest in a baby for nine months.

Elaine:You only have to do it for like an hour.

George:No, no, no. See, that's where you're wrong. Once you go see the baby, you're committed. You have to keep going back. 'How's the baby?' 'The baby's fine.' Next thing you know, the baby's playing baseball. Then the baby's getting married. Then the baby's getting divorced. I'm not doing it.

Jerry:What do you think of this shirt?

Kramer:It's a nice shirt. You know, if you want my advice, you gotta stop worrying so much about what you're wearing. Women don't care about that stuff. They care about how you treat them, how you make them feel. You gotta be confident, be yourself.

Jerry:So you're saying I should just be myself?

Kramer:That's right. And another thing - you spend too much time with me. You need to get out there, meet people, have some male friendships outside of this apartment.

Jerry:I have male friendships.

Kramer:Name one.

Jerry:George.

Kramer:George doesn't count. He's depressed all the time.

Kramer:Keith?!

Newman:Keith...

George:You know, the key to good driving is confidence. You gotta commit to your lane.

George:Never second-guess yourself out there. That's how accidents happen.

George:Wait, wait, WAIT! Get out of this lane! GET OUT OF THIS LANE!

George:No, no, the OTHER lane! Move, MOVE!

George:No, no, no, you're going the wrong way. You should take Madison Avenue.

Cab Driver:I know where I'm going.

George:Yeah, but Madison is faster. There's less traffic on Madison.

Cab Driver:Sir, please.

George:And another thing - you just cut off that guy! You gotta be more careful. Signal! Use your signal!

Cab Driver:That's it. Out. Get out of my cab.

George:What? What did I do?

Cab Driver:Out!

Newman:Hello, Kramer.

Kramer:Newman.

Newman:I hate you.

Kramer:I know.

Jerry · Elaine · Keith Hernandez:Elaine: 'I love Cajun cooking.' / Keith: 'Really? You know, my mom's one-quarter Cajun.' / Jerry (internally): 'Oh, my father's half-drunk. Maybe they should get together.'

Newman:Oh, look who it is. Pretty boy.

Kramer:I'm gonna tell you something. And I want you to really listen to me, because this is important. I was at the coffee shop the other day, and I ordered a coffee. And the guy behind the counter, he looks at me, and he goes to spit in my coffee. But here's the thing... I spit first.

Kramer:You know, Newman, I've been thinking about something very serious.

Newman:What is it, Kramer?

Kramer:This thing between us... it's been building for a long time.

Newman:Oh my God, what are you talking about?

Kramer:I'm talking about... this.

Newman:What?! You just spit on me!

Newman:Why would you do that?! This means war!

Kramer:The spit came off his lip and ricocheted off the counter.

Jerry:Ricocheted?

Newman:It was a very moist spit.

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You two were arguing, and you both spit on each other?

Kramer:It was a mutual agreement.

Jerry:A mutual agreement to spit? That's insane. Do you understand the physics of saliva? The trajectory, the velocity? You're creating a biohazard!

Newman:It was consensual.

Jerry:Consensual spitting is not a thing! There's no legal precedent for this!

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You're telling me you've heard this story before? And now you're hearing it again? What is this, some kind of formal investigation? Because I've got news for you — I'm tired of repeating myself!

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about spit. It's a fascinating thing. The trajectory, the velocity, the angle of the jaw... I mean, if you really break it down scientifically, spit travels at approximately 40 miles per hour when it leaves the mouth at a 45-degree angle. That's faster than most people can run. So technically, if someone spits on you, you've been assaulted by a biological projectile moving at near-highway speeds.

Kramer:The magic loogie!

Jerry:You're not gonna sneeze on me, are you?

Kramer:No, no, I'm not sick. I just have something in my throat.

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry, it was a magic loogie.

Jerry:A magic loogie? What are you talking about?

Kramer:The trajectory was impossible. It curved mid-air, hit the building, bounced back. Just like the magic bullet.

Jerry:So now we're using the Kennedy assassination to explain your spit?

Kramer:It's the only explanation!

Jerry:The shot came from the grassy knoll!

Newman:What are you talking about?

Jerry:Look at the head movement. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about this, and I've come to a conclusion. There's no way one person could have done this alone. There had to be a second gunman. Look at the angles here. It's impossible.

Jerry:I'm telling you, the Warren Commission got it all wrong. There's a grassy knoll involved in this somehow.

Kramer:There was a second spitter!

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:It's a conspiracy. Think about it. You're on the street, someone spits on you, you look around — nobody's there. How'd they do it?

Jerry:I don't know, maybe they ran away.

Kramer:No, no, no. They had to be positioned on the grassy knoll.

Keith Hernandez · Elaine:Keith brags to Elaine: 'I hate to brag, but I did win 11 straight Gold Gloves. I wouldn't have brought it up, but since you mentioned it.' / Elaine: 'I didn't mention it.'

Jerry:I've come to the conclusion that it was not a spit take. It was a sneeze that became a cough that became a wheeze that ended in a spit.

Jerry:But I'm treating it like the Kennedy assassination. There's the official report, and then there's what really happened.

George:I'm starting a fake company. I need a phone number.

George:I'm using Jerry's number. He doesn't know it yet.

George:When they call, Jerry will think it's for him. It's perfect.

George:It's a real estate company. We sell houses.

Kramer:What's the name?

George:Pendant Publishing.

Kramer:Pendant Publishing? That's a publishing company.

George:No, no, no. It's real estate now. We changed it.

Kramer:When did you change it?

George:Just now. I'm telling you right now.

Kramer:So what do you do there?

George:I'm an architect.

Kramer:An architect? But you don't know anything about buildings.

George:I'm very good at it.

Kramer:So we're manufacturing the bra in my apartment?

George:Well, initially, yes. We're keeping overhead low.

Kramer:How are we gonna manufacture bras in my apartment? I don't have the equipment!

George:That's why I'm the president and you're in manufacturing. I sell, you make.

George:So you'll do it?

Kramer:No.

George:No? What do you mean, no? You always do things for me.

Kramer:Not this time.

George:But I really need you on this one, Kramer.

Kramer:The answer is no, George.

George:Come on, it'll only take five minutes.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about getting into the latex business.

Jerry:Latex? What are you talking about?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm gonna manufacture fake latex. It's a gold mine! But let me tell you, the overhead is killing me. Do you know what my shipping costs are?

Jerry:You don't have a latex business.

Kramer:Not yet. But when I do, I'm telling you, it's gonna be rough. The unions, the regulations... I mean, who knew fake latex was so complicated?

Keith:So what do you want to do tonight?

Jerry:I don't know, maybe we could see a movie?

Keith:JFK? I heard that's really good.

Jerry:JFK? I just did JFK!

Jerry:So Keith invites me to spend the weekend at his place, and I'm thinking, 'Great, finally someone wants to hang out with me.' Then I realize - he probably just needs help moving furniture or something.

Jerry:That's the thing about me. I'm never the first choice. I'm like the emotional equivalent of a tax return - nobody's excited to see me, but everyone needs me around April.

Jerry:So I'm thinking about the handshake. You know, it's such a weird thing. You meet someone, you put your hand in their hand, you shake it. Why? What are we doing? Are we checking if they're real? Making sure they're not a ghost?

Keith:So what's the deal with Elaine? Is she available?

Jerry:Well, I've been seeing her.

Keith:Oh really? How long?

Jerry:A few months now.

Keith:Hmm, well if things don't work out, let me know. I'd like to take a shot.

Keith:Can I ask you something? Would it be weird if I dated Elaine?

Jerry:Oh, no.

Jerry:No, no, go ahead.

George:So what's the deal with Keith's handshake?

Jerry:It's weak. It's a very weak handshake. No confidence, no strength. When you shake a man's hand, you're making a statement about who you are as a person. Keith's handshake says he's unsure, he's tentative, he's not fully committed to the interaction.

Elaine:So how was your date?

Jerry:It wasn't a date.

Elaine:What do you mean it wasn't a date? You went out, you had dinner...

Jerry:It was just two people going out to eat.

Elaine:That's a date, Jerry.

Elaine:I can't make it tonight, I have to cancel.

Jerry:Cancel? We've had this planned for weeks!

Elaine:I know, I'm sorry, something came up.

Jerry:Something came up? I'm not a restaurant reservation, Elaine. You can't just cancel me.

Elaine:Jerry, it's not that big a deal.

Jerry:Not that big a deal? Do you know how many people would kill to spend an evening with me?

Elaine:Yeah, your mother.

Elaine:You're just jealous.

Jerry:Jealous? I'm not jealous. I've been a fan since before you even knew who they were. I have all their albums on vinyl. I went to three concerts in the '80s. I own a signed poster.

Elaine:You're jealous of David Puddy.

Jerry:I'm not jealous of David Puddy.

Elaine:Yes, you are. You're jealous because he's with me.

Jerry:I'm not jealous of him being with you. I'm jealous of you being with him.

Elaine:What's the difference?

Jerry:There's a big difference!

Elaine:No, there really isn't.

Kramer:Hello, Pendant Publishing.

Kramer:Yes, Mr. Pitt is expecting your call. One moment please.

George:We gotta get over there right now. This is a time-sensitive situation. The baby's not gonna be a baby forever. In a few years, it's gonna be a kid. Then it's a teenager. You can't just show up whenever you feel like it.

Jerry:George, it's been two days.

George:Exactly! We're already behind schedule. This is a critical window. We miss it, we're looking at a toddler. A toddler, Jerry!

Jerry:Hello, Pendant Publishing.

Kramer:No, no, no! Pendleton!

Jerry:Pendant Publishing.

Kramer:Pendleton! Pen-del-ton!

Kramer:Jerry, what is wrong with you? You can't even use a phone?

Jerry:What? I was trying to—

Kramer:This is basic stuff, Jerry. A child could do this.

George:She's gorgeous! When can I meet her?

Mrs. Sokol:Well, she's very busy with her career.

George:I don't care! I'll wait! I'll wait years if I have to!

George:This is a cruel joke. You're making fun of me.

Mrs. Sokol:No, George. I'm serious. I want to help you. Come live with me.

Jerry:You know what's weird about unemployment? It's on your paycheck. Your paycheck! The one thing that's supposed to make you feel good about yourself, and it says 'unemployment' on it. It's like getting a love letter that starts with 'Dear Idiot.'

Jerry:You know what the problem with unemployment is? It's not the money. It's the psychological impact on your confidence.

Jerry:You start thinking you're worthless. Like, 'Maybe I AM unemployable.'

Jerry:And then you see a job posting and you're like, 'Oh, I could never do that.' You don't even apply!

Jerry:It's like you're already fired from jobs you never had.

Jerry:You know what's ironic? You work your whole life to avoid work. You go to school to get a job so you don't have to work as hard. You get promoted so you can tell other people to work. It's all just work to avoid work.

Jerry:You know, I've been putting in a lot of effort trying to avoid work lately. I think I deserve a raise for it.

Jerry:That's a perfect oxymoron - 'tremendous job not working'

Jerry:Lyndon Johnson.

Jerry:The baby looks like LBJ.

Carol:What? He does not!

Jerry:Look at him. The ears, the nose, the whole thing. It's LBJ.

George:You know, I've been thinking about something. There are billions and billions of people in this world, and I'm one of them. And out of all those billions and billions, I can't even get one woman to go out with me.