The Fix Up

Jerry:What is the deal with orchestra conductors? I mean, they're just waving a stick around. The musicians aren't even looking at them half the time. You could replace them with a metronome and nobody would notice.

Jerry:Actually, you know what? Forget the metronome. Just let them play. They've got the music right there in front of them. The conductor is basically doing interpretive dance to Beethoven.

Jerry:I mean, when you really think about it, what is a conductor doing? He's just waving a stick. I could do that. I've got a stick at home. I could be conducting right now. I could be in my apartment conducting to a CD. 'Dun dun dun dun' - look at me, I'm Zubin Mehta.

Jerry:You know what a conductor does? He stands there and waves a stick. That's the whole job. And somehow that makes the music better. How? I don't know. But if he stops waving, everything falls apart. So basically, a conductor is a guy whose job is to remind 80 musicians 'Hey, keep playing. Don't stop. See this stick? Still moving.'

Jerry:So a musician is playing, and he needs help in the middle of the performance. But he's really polite about it.

Jerry:Excuse me, could you... would you mind terribly... if it's not too much trouble... could you hold this note for me?

Jerry:I'm so sorry to ask. I know you're probably very busy.

George:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it.

George:No, I'm not. I'm miserable.

George:I'm telling you, I have this weird thing where my left shoulder blade sits about a quarter inch higher than my right one. I've been to three doctors. Three! And they all say it's nothing, but what do they know? I'm convinced it's affecting my posture, my entire skeletal alignment. I went to a chiropractor last week and he took one look and said, 'You know what? I don't even want to get involved.' A chiropractor! That's when you know it's bad.

George:You know, sometimes the simplest approach is the best approach.

George:You just gotta be direct, you gotta be c-c-confident, you gotta just say what you mean without all the...the...the overthinking.

George:See? Like that. S-s-simple.

Elaine:You know, men are like a completely different species. They have their own rules, their own logic. It's like they're operating on a different plane of existence.

Elaine:A woman says something, a man hears something completely different. She says 'we need to talk,' he hears 'you're in trouble.' She says 'I'm fine,' he knows she's not fine, but he pretends she is anyway.

Elaine:And don't even get me started on the dating market. It's brutal out there. Men have a shelf life of about two years before they become completely useless.

Elaine:They're all dead.

Cynthia:So, is Jerry seeing anyone?

Elaine:Oh, Jerry thinks he's a lot more attractive than he actually is.

Elaine:You know, there's a whole category of men that fall into the mediocre guy category.

Elaine:They're not handsome, they're not ugly, they're just... mediocre.

Elaine:And the thing is, they know it. They accept it. They've made peace with it.

Elaine:And I respect that about them.

George:You know, there's a mathematical formula to dating.

Elaine:A formula?

George:Yeah. You see, a man has only got a certain number of years he can operate at peak efficiency. And then it's all downhill from there.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, after a certain age, a man is basically worthless?

George:Not worthless. Just... categorized.

Elaine:No, no, no. I don't want a compromise. I want someone who's so desperate, they're grateful just to be with me.

Elaine:I'm at that point where I'm so desperate, I'm considering dating the phone operator.

Elaine:At least she'd always know where to reach me.

Elaine:Hope is killing me. I have no hope. And it's working.

Jerry:What do you mean it's working?

Elaine:Well, I went out with this guy last night, and I thought, 'This guy is not interested in me. I have no shot.' So I just relaxed. I was myself. And he loved it!

Jerry:So you're saying if you have no hope, you're more attractive?

Elaine:Exactly! It's the desperation that's unattractive. When you don't care, that's when they want you.

Cynthia:So you're saying you have hope that things will be hopeless?

Elaine:Yes!

Cynthia:That's not hope. That's just... hopelessness.

George:You know, my mother... she's driving me crazy. I can't take it anymore.

George:Sometimes I think the only solution is... well, you know.

George:It's the considerate thing to do. I mean, think about it — I'm saving them years of therapy.

Jerry:George, I think you might have some anger management issues.

Jerry:You seem bitter.

George:Bitter? I'm not bitter. I'm not at my bitter level yet. I still have a lot of room to go.

George:Jerry, I need you to promise me something. You can't tell anyone about this. I'm bitter. I'm very bitter.

Jerry:George, your secret is safe with me. I won't tell a soul that you're bitter.

George:Thank you. I really appreciate that.

Jerry:Although, I have to say, it's not exactly a well-kept secret.

Elaine:Oh, I'm so hungry. Let's go get some food.

Elaine:I think I'm going to throw up.

Jerry:You know what I hate about newspapers? The ink. Your hands are completely black after reading one. It's like eating a charcoal briquette at a restaurant.

Elaine:So what do you talk about at dinner?

Jerry:I don't know, the usual things. Work, family...

Elaine:That's it? Don't you ever run out of things to say?

Jerry:Well, if we do, we could always just drop a nuclear bomb on the restaurant. That'd give us something to talk about.

Elaine:That's your solution to everything.

Jerry:We could set them up.

Elaine:Yeah, we could.

Jerry:Nah.

Elaine:Nah.

Elaine:I'm not trying to set you up with anyone.

Jerry:Good, because I'm not interested in meeting anyone.

Elaine:What about George?

Jerry:No.

Jerry:What's the problem? She's got a great personality!

George:Jerry, she's got man hands!

Jerry:Man hands?

George:Look at the size of these things! She's got these big mitts. These are man's hands!

Elaine:Oh, please! You dated me!

Elaine:If that's not low standards, I don't know what is.

Jerry:Oh yeah? Well, I'm an idiot.

Elaine:You know, a lot of people go to a lot of trouble to achieve a look like that. I mean, the tweezing, the waxing, the painful beatings.

Jerry:George has many redeeming qualities. He's loyal, he's dependable...

Jerry:He can parallel park in impossible spaces.

Jerry:He knows the entire periodic table.

Jerry:He can whistle any Mariah Carey song.

Jerry:He's got a photographic memory for restaurant menus from 1987.

Jerry:He can tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue.

Jerry:He once alphabetized a spice rack in under four minutes.

George:I'm very good at baiting hooks.

Elaine:Oh, that's a skill.

George:It is a skill. Most people, they just jam the hook right through the worm. Me? I go in easy... gentle... like I'm putting a baby to sleep.

Jerry:So we're agreed? We tell each other everything about our dates?

Elaine:Everything. No secrets.

Jerry:This is never going to work.

Elaine:Why not?

Jerry:Because within a week, one of us is going to meet someone, fall madly in love, and completely forget about this agreement.

Elaine:Not me. I'm committed to full disclosure.

Jerry:Yeah, that's what they all say.

George:A blind date? No, no, no. That's how it starts. Blind date leads to dinner, dinner leads to a relationship, relationship leads to marriage, marriage leads to kids, kids lead to... I don't know, you're working three jobs just to keep food on the table. And before you know it, you're so desperate for human contact that you're paying for it on the street corner. I'm not doing it. That's a slippery slope I'm not going down.

George:So what do you think? Is she attractive?

Jerry:She's... she's great.

George:You hesitated.

Jerry:I did not hesitate.

George:You hesitated! I saw it. A full microsecond.

Jerry:I didn't hesitate!

George:You hesitated. I saw the hesitation. It was right there.

Jerry:There was no hesitation.

George:The hesitation was unmistakable. A full second. Maybe more. You're a hesitator.

George:So what'd you tell her about me?

Jerry:I said you were a real go-getter.

George:A go-getter? Why'd you say that?

Jerry:Well, I had to say something. I couldn't just say 'George is a bald man who lives with his parents.'

George:You know, I've been thinking. Don't you ever worry that you're smarter than me? That there's this huge intelligence gap between us?

Jerry:No, not at all. I think you're right up there with me.

George:Really?

Jerry:Yeah. I mean, you're no dummy. You're just... you know, you're not smart.

Cynthia:Why was George fired?

Elaine:Oh, he tried to strangle his boss.

Cynthia:Oh.

Elaine:But it wasn't that serious.

Cynthia:So what's George been up to? He's put on a few pounds, hasn't he?

Elaine:Well, he's not exactly thin. He's... husky.

Cynthia:Husky? Come on.

Elaine:He's... well-fed.

Cynthia:Well-fed?

Elaine:He's a big man. He's got a lot to love. He's... horizontally challenged.

Elaine:Well, you know, sometimes hair just... thins out. It's very common.

Cynthia:You mean like when you go bald?

George:I need a woman with hair that falls like a waterfall of silk, cascading down her back in waves of golden honey, catching the light like a thousand tiny mirrors reflecting my dreams.

Jerry:You're breaking up with me?

Cynthia:Yes, I'm breaking up with you.

Jerry:You're breaking up with ME?

Cynthia:That's what I said.

Jerry:But... I'm the one who's supposed to break up with you!

Cynthia:I need my hair to have a certain texture. Not too curly, not too straight. Kind of wavy, but not beach wavy.

Jerry:Okay...

Cynthia:And it needs to have movement, but not too much movement. Like it's moving, but it's controlled movement.

Jerry:Right. Controlled movement.

Cynthia:And the shine level has to be medium. Not matte, not glossy. Medium shine.

Jerry:Medium shine. Got it.

Cynthia:Also, I want it to smell like coconut, but not tropical coconut. Like, refined coconut.

Jerry:Refined coconut. I'll see what I can do.

Jerry:So now we're talking about skin requirements? What's next, we need a poem written about her nose?

Cynthia:Well, it should be a nose that catches the light like a delicate sculpture, noble and proud.

Jerry:It's a nose, Cynthia. It smells things. That's the whole job.

Cynthia:And her eyes should be like twin pools of infinite mystery, windows to a profound inner universe.

Jerry:They're eyes. They see. What do you want, a monologue?

Cynthia:Eyebrows? That's what you're worried about?

Jerry:Well, they frame the face!

Cynthia:I don't even think about my eyebrows.

Cynthia:So what is it about personality that attracts you?

Jerry:Well, you know, it's hard to say. I mean, I like someone who's funny, who's smart, who's... I don't know, spontaneous.

Cynthia:Spontaneous?

Jerry:Yeah, like Elaine. She threw up on me once and I still wanted to see her again.

Elaine:So what's George's relationship history like?

Cynthia:Pathetically small. I mean, the guy's never even been in a real relationship.

Elaine:Wait, wait, wait. I didn't poison anyone. I was just joking.

Jerry:No, you poisoned them.

George:I had it all written down. I came prepared with notes.

George:I'm not an idiot. I know how to talk on the phone.

George:I was at this very exclusive restaurant last night. Very ostentatious décor.

Jerry:Ostentatious?

George:Yeah, you know, ostentatious. Wait, is it ostentatious or ostentatious?

Jerry:It's ostentatious.

George:See, now I'm not sure anymore.

George:Her voice is so melodious, so dulcet. It's like listening to a celestial chorus of angels.

Jerry:George, she said 'hello.'

George:I'm very good on the phone. People don't realize it, but I'm actually a phone genius.

George:I could call someone up, they would think it's someone else. I do voices, I do accents.

George:What I'm thinking is, I never have to leave my apartment again. I'll conduct all my business over the phone.

George:Dating, job interviews, confrontations — all phone calls. I'll just have my groceries delivered.

George:In fact, I'm thinking of having someone come to my apartment and install a second phone line, so I can call people while I'm already on the phone.

George:That way I'm never without a phone call.

George:She didn't mention the phone call? Not a word?

George:I mean, we talked for twenty minutes. Twenty minutes! And she just... forgot about it?

George:That's unbelievable. I'm unbelievable to her. I'm forgettable.

George:Wait, maybe she did mention it and you just weren't listening.

George:No, no, you would've remembered. Everyone remembers my phone calls.

Kramer:So I'm at the doctor's office, right? And the guy says to me, 'Kramer, you gotta start thinking about protection.' So I says, 'Yeah, yeah, I know.' Next thing I know, he's handing me this box. I open it up—144 condoms!

Jerry:How many?

Kramer:Oh, a few.

Kramer:Hey, you got any coffee?

Jerry:I don't need these condoms.

Jerry:They're like the cheap prizes you get in cereal boxes — nobody really wants them, they just come with the box.

Kramer:I got an extra half a box of condoms here if you need 'em.

Elaine:Half a box? What happened to the other half?

Kramer:I got a little lucky last night.

Elaine:You used half a box in one night?

Elaine:These are terrible! They're too thick, they don't feel like anything!

Elaine:I'm not using these.

Elaine:Actually, give me a handful.

Jerry:I have a system. I go in, I don't make eye contact. I go straight to the condom aisle, grab a box, go to the register, put it down, look away while they ring it up.

Jerry:But then I thought, what if I develop a signal with the pharmacist? Like, I come in, I tap my nose twice, he knows what I need, he just hands it to me under the counter.

Jerry:We could have a whole system. Different signals for different... situations.

Jerry:You go into the drugstore, you just act casual. You pick up a few other things, maybe a magazine, some gum. You put the condoms on the counter with the other stuff like it's all one thing, you know? Like, 'Yeah, I'm just getting my usual items here.'

Jerry:The cashier, they know what's going on. They don't care. They're just scanning. You're making small talk: 'Nice day today, huh?' 'Yeah, it's nice.' You're both pretending like this transaction is completely normal.

Jerry:But underneath it all, you're both aware. There's this unspoken understanding. It's like a secret handshake, but with prophylactics.

Jerry:You know what? I believe in full disclosure. Complete honesty between two people.

Elaine:Full disclosure? That's great.

Jerry:Yeah, I think that's the only way a relationship can work.

Elaine:So you're telling me everything?

Jerry:Everything. No secrets.

George:I can't keep this secret anymore. I have to tell someone.

Jerry:Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? You made a pact.

George:I know, but it's killing me. I'm bursting.

Jerry:A secret is like a vault. Once you open the door, everything spills out. There's no getting it back in.

Jerry:The vault is sealed. The combination is changed. The vault is dropped into the ocean.

George:So what are you saying?

Jerry:I'm saying the vault stays closed.

George:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm out there and I'm lovin' every minute of it.

Jerry:What are you doing?

George:Well, I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm sitting here in my underwear, eating a block of cheese. I look up and there she is, this beautiful woman, looking at me. What do I do? I says to her, 'Did you ever see a guy eat cheese like this before?' She says, 'No.' So I says, 'You wanna see me eat more cheese?' She says, 'Yes.' So we went back to my apartment.

Jerry:And?

George:And it was the most sensual moment of my life.

Jerry:So what happened? Did you two...?

George:We did. It was great. Really great.

Jerry:So when did she leave?

George:Right after.

Jerry:Right after? Like, how right after?

George:Like immediately. She got dressed and left.

Jerry:She didn't even stay for coffee?

George:No coffee. No conversation. Nothing.

Cynthia:He wanted to meet in the kitchen.

Elaine:The kitchen?

Cynthia:He said the kitchen is the heart of the home. That's where people are most comfortable. That's where the real conversations happen.

Elaine:It's George.

Elaine:So how was it?

Cynthia:It was incredible. But I have to tell you, there was this one thing that was a little uncomfortable.

Elaine:What?

Cynthia:Well, he has this thing where his chest is all... caved in. Like a bird.

Jerry:So you don't know anything else about it?

Elaine:Nothing. Why would I know anything?

Jerry:I'm just asking. You seem like you might know something.

Elaine:Well I don't. Do you know something?

Jerry:Me? No, I don't know anything.

Elaine:Then why do you keep asking me?

Jerry:I'm not keeping asking you. You're the one who brought it up.

Elaine:I did not bring it up!

George:She just leaves! After we're done, she just gets up and leaves like nothing happened. No cuddling, no talking, nothing. I'm lying there and she's already putting her clothes on.

George:I mean, what am I, some kind of... some kind of animal? A little tenderness, that's all I'm asking for. Maybe she could stick around for five minutes, ask me how I'm feeling.

George:And don't even get me started on the bathroom. She takes forever in there. I'm just sitting on the bed waiting, and she's in there for like twenty minutes doing whatever it is women do.

George:You know, it's not a lie if you believe it. Well, actually, it IS a lie. It's a lie either way. But if you believe it, it's a lie you can live with. Which is still a lie. A man's lie. Or... a person's lie.

George:I'm a man of the people. I understand the common man, the everyday person.

George:But let's be honest, most people are idiots. They don't think like I do. They're not on my level intellectually.

George:So when I say I'm a man of the people, I mean I tolerate them. I can relate to their simple needs and desires, even though I'm far superior.

Jerry:I'm calling her.

George:No, you're not!

Jerry:Yes, I am.

George:You can't call her!

Jerry:Why not?

George:Because I said so!

Jerry:That's not a reason.

George:It is too a reason!

Jerry:No it's not.

George:Don't you dare pick up that phone!

Jerry:I'm picking it up.

George:I'm warning you!

Kramer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on here? You two are fighting over a woman? I'll tell you what your problem is — you're both thinking about this all wrong. Women, they're like a conspiracy, man. They're everywhere, they're organized, and they're out to get us.

Kramer:You know, I think women and men can be friends. It's all about respect and understanding each other's needs.

Kramer:And that's why I'm so satisfied with how things turned out. I brought people together. I made peace.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about something. Life is all about balance, about finding peace within yourself...

Kramer:By the way, those condoms you gave me? Defective.

George:These condoms are defective! I want my money back!

Kramer:George, why would you need condoms anyway?

Jerry:There's no problem.

Jerry:Everything is fine.

Elaine:Wait a minute... you're not saying the condoms were defective?

Cynthia:Well, they were on clearance...

Elaine:Oh my God. Oh my God!

Elaine:These are like bottle caps!

Jerry:She's flaky.

Elaine:How do you know she's flaky? You just met her.

Jerry:I can tell. She's got that flaky quality. You can see it in her eyes.

Elaine:You're crazy.

Jerry:No, no, I know flaky. I've dated flaky. She's flaky.

Jerry:So you're saying you only date guys who are self-absorbed?

Elaine:No! I don't date self-absorbed guys.

Jerry:But you keep dating self-absorbed guys.

Elaine:Well, yeah, but I don't *mean* to.

Jerry:So the self-absorbed guys you date, they're not really self-absorbed?

Elaine:No, they are, but when I started dating them they weren't!

Jerry:So they became self-absorbed because you were dating them?

Elaine:Yes! Exactly! See, this is what I'm talking about. You always do this.

Jerry:George, you're not just bitter, you're twisted.

Elaine:Oh, he's definitely twisted.

Jerry:There's a difference. Bitter is when you're upset about what happened to you. Twisted is when you take pleasure in other people's misery.

Elaine:He's both! He's bitter AND twisted!

Jerry:You're right. He's a pretzel.

Jerry:You started this!

Elaine:I started it? You're the one who—

Jerry:Oh, here we go!

Elaine:Don't 'here we go' me!

Jerry:You always do this!

Elaine:I do this? YOU do this!

Jerry:Oh, that's real mature, Elaine.

Elaine:Mature? Look who's talking!

Jerry:Get out!

Elaine:Fine, I'm leaving!

Kramer:You know, Jerry, I've been thinking about you and Elaine. You two have got something special.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:It's obvious. You're in love with her.

Jerry:I am not in love with Elaine!

Kramer:Oh, come on. And she's in love with you too. You should just tell her.

Jerry:Kramer, you're completely wrong about this.

Kramer:I know what I see, buddy. Mark my words.

Kramer:Here, take these. I got a whole box.

Jerry:Wait... these are used?

Elaine:Oh my God.

Jerry:Kramer, where did you get these?

Kramer:What? They're perfectly good. Just a little worn.

George:A woman's pregnant and she thinks I'm the father?

George:Well, of course I'm the father. Look at me, I'm a man in my prime.

George:My sperm are like Olympic athletes - they don't lose.

Cynthia:He was so mature about it. So supportive.

George:Well, what did you expect?

Elaine:So what did you say to her?

Cynthia:He told me he was dying.

Elaine:You told her you were dying?

George:It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Cynthia:He said he had six months to live.

George:I was trying to be noble. I wanted her to know that our time together was precious.

Elaine:So what happened?

George:She left me anyway.

Cynthia:Then he got better.

George:I'm not supposed to have salt. The doctor said no salt. But look at this, it's so good. You know what? A little salt won't hurt. What's the worst that could happen?

George:Oh my God, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna have a stroke right here in this restaurant. My heart's gonna explode.

Jerry:You know, when you set people up, it starts innocently enough. You think, 'Oh, they'd be perfect for each other.' But then something happens. You start seeing yourself as this master matchmaker. You're like, 'I did that. I made that happen.' And before you know it, you're convinced you're responsible for their entire relationship. You're checking in on them, giving advice they didn't ask for, mentally taking credit for their anniversaries. It's like you've gone from Cupid to God. And God doesn't get texts asking why the relationship isn't working out.

Jerry:So God is like the ultimate matchmaker, right? He's up there with Eve, and the snake comes along, and God's like, 'You know, I've got someone I want you to meet.' And the snake's thinking, 'This is gonna be great, God knows everyone.' But then it turns out the snake is just some guy who hangs around the garden, you know? And God's like, 'Yeah, he's not really my type either, but he won't leave me alone.'