The One With The Birth Mother

Monica:When you come back, you'll have a baby.

Chandler:When WE come back, WE'LL have a baby.

Monica:Well, we haven't thought about names yet. I mean, there's so much to think about - the nursery, the equipment, whether we should use cloth diapers or disposable, the environmental impact, the cost, finding the right pediatrician, schools...

Chandler:What about naming him Crap-Weasel?

Monica:...and we need to baby-proof the apartment, get outlet covers, cabinet locks, safety gates...

Chandler:Yeah, no hopes up whatsoever. I can see it in your face.

Monica:I know the odds are against us, we might not get a baby, I need to be realistic and prepared for disappointment.

Monica:But you know what? We're going to get a baby. We're going to get the most beautiful baby ever. Our baby is going to be perfect!

Chandler:Okay, okay, let's not get our hopes up. We don't even know if this is going to work out.

Monica:Are you kidding?! This is going to be amazing! We're finally going to have a baby!

Chandler:Oh my God, we're having a baby! A baby, Monica! Our baby!

Joey:I wanna say, 'Someone I'm gonna have sex with.'

Rachel:You dated Mandy and forgot about her?

Joey:Mandy? Uh... yeah, sure, I remember Mandy. Blonde, right? Great smile?

Rachel:She had red hair and a limp.

Joey:Oh... right, right, the red hair. I knew that.

Joey:What? She had a really great personality!

Rachel:Joey, you just described her entire personality as 'really great.'

Joey:Yeah, and?

Rachel:And you couldn't even remember her last name!

Joey:That's not true! It was... uh... started with a 'M'?

Joey:I'm sorry, who are you?

Rachel:It's Mandy. We met at your apartment last week.

Joey:Oh right, right... Mandy. Yeah, of course!

Rachel:No, you have no idea who I am.

Rachel:You know, I have to say, you've really grown up. You're so much more mature now.

Joey:Really? You think so?

Rachel:Absolutely. Like, you didn't even try to hit on my sister when she was here last week.

Joey:Well, yeah...

Rachel:And you remembered to use a coaster! On the first try!

Joey:Thanks, Rach.

Rachel:I mean, you only scratched one table this month. That's a personal record.

Joey:Week!

Rachel:It's Sarah, not Mandy.

Joey:Sarah... Sarah... Sarah...

Monica:Oh, that's a great look for you! Very slimming. You know, it really brings out your eyes. Have you considered... not wearing it?

Monica:Actually, you know what? I think the hat looks great on you.

Monica:I mean, really great. Very... you.

Monica:But if I'm being completely honest? Throw it away. Burn it. Never wear it again.

Rachel:I read 30 fashion magazines a month, so I think I know a little bit about fashion.

Rachel:I have no idea what's going on in the world, but I know that hat is bad.

Monica:That shirt is ridiculous.

Rachel:Says the woman wearing the exact same shirt.

Monica:I can't believe we're wearing the same shirt! This is so embarrassing.

Monica:It's not my fault though—there's a Gap on every corner! What am I supposed to do?

Chandler:It's like we're buying a car. 'Do you have any questions about the baby? Would you like to take it for a test drive?'

Chandler:You're right, you're right. I'm gonna walk in there, I'm gonna be so charming, so witty, so incredibly handsome that they'll forget all about my complete lack of qualifications.

Chandler:CRW33815-D? That's a great name! We could call you 'CRW' for short.

Monica:No, I'm not a doctor. Chandler's not a reverend either.

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let her think what she wants to think.

Joey:I can't call her back.

Joey:Something terrible happened.

Joey:I took some of her fries.

Joey:You don't take food off someone else's plate! That's like... that's like the rules of being around people!

Joey:You touch my food, you lose a hand.

Rachel:So Joey went on a date last night, and the girl took some of his fries.

Phoebe:Oh my God, she took his fries? That's like, a huge red flag!

Phoebe:You don't just take someone's fries without asking. That means she has no respect for boundaries.

Ross:And you know what the worst part was? He wouldn't even share his grapes with her.

Rachel:Who is 'her'?

Ross:Emma.

Rachel:He wouldn't share his grapes with a baby?

Joey:Hey! I have a rule: you don't touch Joey's food!

Joey:Okay, so we'll get the pizza, and then maybe some wings as a sharing buffer, you know, in case someone wants something different. And garlic knots—those are important. Oh! And we should get a salad so we feel like we're eating healthy. And breadsticks, because breadsticks are—they're their own thing, you know? And maybe some dessert, like tiramisu or—or chocolate lava cake, or both, because they're different experiences. And some appetizers to start, like mozzarella sticks and—

Chandler:Joey, what are we even talking about?

Joey:What do you mean? The sharing buffer!

Chandler:We haven't even ordered yet!

Ross:No, no, no. I'm not wearing parachute pants. I'm not wearing a backwards baseball cap. And I'm definitely not wearing a wallet chain.

Store Clerk:Sir, those are all from 1995.

Ross:Exactly! And I'm also not wearing a holographic fanny pack, light-up sneakers, or a shirt made entirely of metallic fabric.

Store Clerk:Those are from different decades...

Ross:I don't care! I'm also rejecting anything with a built-in kazoo, pants that smell like birthday cake, or shoes that honk when you walk.

Store Clerk:We don't sell any of those things.

Ross:Well, that's lucky for you, because I wouldn't wear them anyway!

Rachel:It was originally $700, and it's marked down to $350, so I'm saving $200!

Ross:Well, actually, if it's half off, you're saving $350, not $200.

Ross:Oh, this is actually pretty cool. I like this shirt.

Ross:Wait... 'Live, Laugh, Love'? Oh no. No, no, no. I'm taking this off.

Rachel:The right clothes will make your date go nuts for you.

Ross:What do you mean? Like, what kind of clothes?

Rachel:You know, something that shows you've got style. Maybe she'll want to get into your pants.

Ross:I... uh... that's not really how it works for me.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross. Not the pants jokes again!

Erica:Does the Bible say anything about adoption?

Monica:Oh yeah, absolutely. It says, uh... 'Adoption is good.' It's right there in Confusions.

Monica:Genesis 3:16, 'And lo, the child shall be adopted into the bosom of a loving family, and that family shall be blessed beyond measure.' It's beautiful.

Monica:Also, it's probably fake.

Monica:So I've been taking my duties as a reverend very seriously. I really care about my flock. My flock. I mean, I have a flock. A flock of... people. My flock.

Monica:Thank you so much for choosing us. We promise to love and cherish this baby with all our hearts.

Monica:May God bless you and keep you. The Lord is my shepherd.

Rachel:Come on, try on some bras. I'll tell you which ones look good.

Monica:Wait, is this a dream? Am I actually going to wake up and find out this was all in my head?

Chandler:Wow, Ross! Nice outfit. Very... trendy.

Ross:Thanks! I'm trying to update my look.

Chandler:Yeah, well, remember when we wore matching shirts that one time? That was awkward.

Chandler:But I gotta say, we've definitely gone in opposite directions now.

Ross:You're just jealous because I'm successful with women.

Chandler:Oh yeah? Well, you look like a woman in that outfit.

Monica:That's not right. We can't keep lying to her.

Chandler:Why not? The Bible says 'Thou shalt not bear false witness,' but it doesn't say anything about bearing false identity.

Monica:I serve God by feeding the hungry and poor as a chef.

Chandler:Yeah, at thirty-eight dollars a plate.

Monica:You're Jewish, you can't be a reverend.

Chandler:Oh, that's just a technicality.

Sarah:Those stuffed clams look amazing.

Joey:Yeah, they're pretty great. You want some?

Sarah:Really?

Joey:No! These are MY clams!

Joey:No, no, no, no! What are you doing?! That's my clam!

Sarah:But you said we could share.

Joey:I lied! I lied, okay?! I don't share food! I don't share anything!

Joey:What is this red crap?

Waiter:That's the garnish, sir.

Joey:Well, I don't want it on my plate.

Waiter:Very good, sir.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me cheesecake isn't healthy? I thought I was making a good choice!

Joey:You took my clams! My clams, Sarah!

Sarah:Joey, come on, just let me have a bite of your dessert.

Joey:No way! You know the rules. You take my food, you lose dessert privileges. That's in the contract.

Sarah:What contract? We never signed anything!

Joey:Exactly! Which means you're in breach. My lawyer will be calling.

Joey:I can't eat this. Sarah said I can't eat this.

Joey:You're so chocolatey. You're so moist.

Joey:Why are you doing this to me?

Joey:I have no willpower. You know I have no willpower.

Joey:I ate your dessert. It was delicious. I regret nothing.

Chandler:I'm not actually a doctor.

Chandler:You want me to prove it? I can perform some malpractice for you.

Monica:You can't bear false witness.

Chandler:See? This is exactly why I should be a pastor.

Erica:That's what makes it worse. I actually liked you guys. I mean, I really liked you.

Chandler:She's smart, she's funny, she's caring, she's beautiful...

Chandler:The key to a happy marriage is a wife who doesn't listen to a word you say.

Monica:What?

Chandler:Nothing! You're great!

Erica:You know what? I've changed my mind. You two are gonna be great parents.

Chandler:Really?

Erica:Yeah. I want you to have the baby.

Chandler:Oh my God. Thank you so much. I promise you won't regret this. We're gonna love this baby so much, and we're gonna tell her all about you, and how brave you were.

Erica:I bless this baby with the power vested in me by the state of New York. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost—Chandler Muriel Bing.

Ross:Okay, okay, okay. I know what you're all thinking. But this sweater is perfect. It fits great, it's soft, it's comfortable...

Rachel:Ross, that's a women's sweater.

Ross:No it's not!

Monica:Yes it is. Look at the tag.

Ross:Well, that explains why it looked so good on me.

Chandler:So... you're wearing a woman's sweater?

Ross:I don't know, it's comfortable!

Joey:How you doin'?