The Beard

Jerry:You ever notice those wanted posters at the post office? They're like the most wildly optimistic crime-fighting strategy ever. Like, 'We don't know who this guy is, we don't know where he is, but here's his picture. Maybe you'll see him. Maybe he'll just walk by the post office one day and go, "Oh, that's me! I should turn myself in."'

Jerry:I mean, what do you want me to do? I've described you, I've told people to watch out for you. That's pretty much all I can do.

Jerry:Why do they take those mugshots? I mean, they photograph them when they come in, they photograph them when they leave. What's the difference? The side is him leaving.

Elaine:You're no good with the sticks.

Elaine:You stink. You know you stink.

Elaine:I studied ballet for years.

Jerry:Oh yeah? What's ballet?

Elaine:What do you mean 'what's ballet'? It's... it's a dance form.

Jerry:Right, right. So it's basically people on tiptoes walking around pretending to be upset about something.

Elaine:That is NOT what ballet is!

Elaine:I'm going as a beard.

Jerry:A beard? What do you mean you're going as a beard?

Elaine:You know, a beard. A woman who goes out with a gay man so people think he's straight.

Jerry:Oh! I thought you meant an actual beard. Like you glued hair to your face.

Elaine:He's a banker, he's very attractive, he's very successful...

Jerry:Of course he's gay.

Jerry:What?

Elaine:That's all that and a bag of chips!

Kramer:George's toupee looking ridiculous

Jerry:Oh, he's a real looker, that one

George:What? What are you looking at? This is real hair. I'm telling you, this is real.

George:I'm back in the game!

Jerry:You were never in the game.

Jerry:Your toupee looks ridiculous.

George:You're just jealous because you don't have hair to wear a toupee with.

George:What are you talking about? It's not a toupee!

Jerry:George, it's connected to your head like a skin graft.

George:Deride if you must, but I have embraced a philosophy of dignified restraint.

George:I no longer defer to the coifed. I'm a player.

Jerry:So how'd you meet this woman?

Kramer:Well, George got tired of his life, so he went up to this beautiful woman in the coffee shop and he just introduced himself.

Jerry:Just like that?

Kramer:Yeah, and now he's got the advantage.

Jerry:We need to see what she looks like.

George:Why don't we just use a police sketch artist?

Jerry:A police sketch artist? For dating?

George:Why not? They're trained professionals. They can capture every detail.

Kramer:I gave the rest of my Chinese food to a homeless guy.

Police Artist:Okay, describe his face.

Jerry:Well, he had a big nose.

Police Artist:How big?

Jerry:Like a baked potato.

Police Artist:And his eyes?

Jerry:Close together, like two raisins on a big baked potato.

Police Artist:So you're saying the lips were... pouty?

Jerry:Yes, very pouty. Like she was upset about something.

George:Pouty lips! That's it! That's the detail we needed!

Police Artist:Finally, we've got something to work with. Pouty lips changes everything.

Jerry:I mean, they weren't just regular lips. They had that pouty quality.

George:This is the breakthrough we've been waiting for!

George:The sketch actually worked and she looks good

Jerry:So who is she?

Lou:She's a police officer.

Jerry:A police officer?

Jerry:So I'm talking to this cop, and he says, 'You got the law on your side.' I'm thinking, great, that's good to know. But then I realize he's literally standing right next to me. So technically, I do have the law on my side. He's like six feet tall, 200 pounds of law, just standing there.

Homeless Man:This is amazing! What is this?

Homeless Man:How do they make it so tender? What's the secret?

Homeless Man:I've been eating on the street for three years and I've never had anything like this.

Kramer:With a piece of Tupperware, you just assume

George:Look at me. I'm George. I'm gorgeous.

Robert's Boss:So you and Robert are... together?

Elaine:Yes, indeedy!

Elaine:He's just not a one-woman man.

Elaine:He's a typical guy who likes sports.

Elaine:But he goes to ballet and likes Liza Minnelli, so it balances out.

Jerry:So you have a talent for beards.

Jerry:That's gonna look great on a résumé.

Elaine:He's incredible.

Elaine:I like him. He's really great.

Jerry:You like him? What do you mean you like him?

Elaine:I like him. He's funny, he's smart, he's...

Jerry:He's gay, Elaine.

Elaine:So?

Jerry:So? So you can't like him. He's gay.

Elaine:Why can't I like him? I like lots of people.

Jerry:Not like this. This is different. You're looking for a conversion.

Jerry:It's not like a switch you flip. It's more like... a gradual thing.

Elaine:Is it irrevocable?

Jerry:Well, that's the thing about baseball - you can always come back to the dugout.

Elaine:So you're saying it's like a sport?

Jerry:Exactly! You play the field, maybe you strike out, maybe you hit a home run...

Jerry:You know, it's like being on a team. You can't just abandon your teammates when things get tough. That's what loyalty is all about.

Elaine:Why can't he play for us?

Jerry:Why can't he play for their team? He doesn't have the equipment.

Jerry:Yeah, well, that's because you're both idiots.

Jerry:They're going to try to convert you.

Elaine:Convert me? I'm not interested in converting.

Jerry:They don't care. They're very persistent.

Elaine:Well, what if I am desperate?

Jerry:What do you mean, 'what if you are desperate'?

Elaine:Yes, I am.

George:First date, no weapons.

Kramer:The seal! Oh, the seal is incredible. You press down and you hear that sound - pssshhh - it's like a little miracle. That seal keeps everything fresh, Jerry. Fresh! With a plastic bag, you got nothing. You're just hoping for the best. But with Tupperware? You got a guarantee. You got security.

Jerry:So nothing happened with you and Denise?

George:I didn't say that.

George:What hat?

Jerry:Your little hair hat.

George:This isn't a hat. This is hair.

Jerry:It's a hair hat.

George:Nobody can tell. It's completely undetectable.

Jerry:It looks like a bird's nest.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:From a distance of about three feet, a sparrow could land on your head.

George:They're not staring at your head, Jerry. They're staring at you because you're doing something wrong. You're walking funny, you're standing weird, something.

Jerry:I'm not doing anything wrong.

George:Yes, you are. I can see it. Right now, the way you're standing there, it's like you're trying to block out the sun or something. It's unnatural.

Kramer:I set them up. I'm like a matchmaker. You know, I got a whole system. I size up a guy, I size up a girl, and if I think they're gonna mesh, I set 'em up.

Jerry:What's your criteria?

Kramer:Oh, it's not too complicated. I just look for a guy and a girl who seem like they might want to have sex with each other.

Homeless Man:That's my coffee!

Denise:You know, you'd look better without that hat.

George:It's not a hat. It's a hair system.

Jerry:You ever think about lie detector tests? I mean, what if they actually worked the way that old saying suggests?

Jerry:You'd just see people sitting there, their pants literally bursting into flames. 'Well, that's a wrap on the interrogation.'

Sergeant Tierney:You watch Melrose Place?

Jerry:No, no, no.

Sergeant Tierney:You know what? I think you should take a lie detector test.

Jerry:A lie detector test? About what?

Sergeant Tierney:About whether you watch Melrose Place.

Jerry:I don't watch Melrose Place!

Sergeant Tierney:Well, then you got nothing to worry about.

Jerry:I can't tell you I watch Melrose Place. The lie detector needle would go crazy.

Jerry:I have to tell you something. I've been watching Melrose Place.

Jerry:I know, I know. But I'm completely hooked. I have to know what happens.

Jerry:And that's not even the worst part.

Jerry:I'm starting to care about these people.

Jerry:I can beat a lie detector. I'm very good at lying.

Jerry:George is the master, but I'm like the journeyman liar.

Jerry:I need your advice on something. I'm thinking about lying to my girlfriend.

George:Lying? I wouldn't know anything about that.

Jerry:Oh please, George. You're like the Michelangelo of lying. You've elevated it to an art form. It's beautiful, really. The precision, the timing, the commitment to the bit. I sit back and I just... I admire it.

Jerry:What do you mean she's not interested? Did you tell her you were bald?

George:I'm not bald!

Jerry:You're bald, George. You're bald.

George:I'm not bald! I'm not bald! I'm not bald!

George:I met this woman, she's completely bald. I mean, not a hair on her head.

George:I looked at her, she looked at me... we're like twins. I'm looking in a mirror.

George:A haircut? She looks like Moe!

Jerry:You're not bald, George. You're just... thinning on top.

George:No, no, no. There's a difference. I'm not bald. I'm... follicly challenged. I used to have hair. I had a full head of hair. Now I have a receding hairline. But I'm not bald.

Jerry:George, you're bald.

George:I'm not bald! I'm... between haircuts!

Elaine:So... do you want to come upstairs?

Robert:I don't know... I'm not really sure about this.

Elaine:Come on. You know, a lot of guys have switched teams.

Robert:Really?

Elaine:Oh yeah, it happens all the time. One day you're playing for one side, the next day you realize you want to play for the other side.

Robert:Wait, you're telling me you want to switch teams? In the middle of the season?

Elaine:It's not switching teams, Robert. It's more like... free agency.

Robert:Free agency? You can't just opt out of a relationship!

Elaine:Why not? You did.

George:I'm back baby! I'm feeling like myself again!

Jerry:What changed?

George:I took the toupee off. I'm bald, and I'm okay with it.

Jerry:So you're going to keep dating that bald woman?

George:Why not? We're perfect for each other. We're both bald!

Jerry:You know, George, you should embrace it. You're like a bald-again Christian.

George:What?

Jerry:Bald-again. You've accepted your baldness, you've been reborn without hair.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

George:The key to a good lie is believing it yourself. It's like when Pavarotti sings - he believes he's a great singer, so everyone else does too.

George:Jerry, I'm telling you, the key to life is self-deception. You gotta believe your own lies. I do it all the time.

Jerry:George, that's not a philosophy, that's a psychiatric disorder.

George:Call it what you want. I've convinced myself I'm a very successful man. And you know what? It works. I feel great about myself.

Elaine:He defected.

Jerry:What?

Elaine:He defected. He's gay. He came out and said he's gay.

Jerry:He defected? What is he, a Soviet?

Jerry:So you're telling me that you got him to convert? To Judaism?

Elaine:Yes!

Jerry:This is incredible. Do you know what this means? This is like... this is like the first time in history that someone converted FOR a woman instead of the woman converting for the man.

Jerry:We're living in a new world here.

Elaine:You know, I think that's really beautiful, Jerry. I mean, giving people hope... that's what it's all about. So here's what I want you to do: I want you to go out there, and I want you to tell people that they can do anything they want. Tell them that there are no limits. Tell them that the only thing standing between them and their dreams is themselves.

Elaine:I want a man who's smart, funny, sensitive, and good-looking. Someone who listens to me, who understands me, who appreciates my quirks.

Elaine:You know what? Forget all that. I just want someone who will make me laugh and have sex with me. That's it. That's the whole thing.

Jerry:I watch it! I watch it every week! I know everything about it! Kimberly's backstabbing, Jake's betrayals, the affairs, the corporate intrigue! I have strong opinions about these characters!

Elaine:He went back because I told him he had to take a class.

Elaine:I mean, the man had no idea what he was doing. It was like watching someone use a computer for the first time.

Jerry:She's an expert. That's what she does. She takes something, analyzes it, breaks it down into its component parts, and then she tells you what's wrong with it. It's like she's got a sports commentator in her head, narrating all your flaws in real time.

George:She said no. Just like that. 'No.' Like I'm asking her for spare change.

Jerry:Well, what did you expect?

George:I don't know, maybe a 'let me think about it' or 'I'm seeing someone.' Something with a little dignity. But no, just 'No.' It's like she couldn't wait to reject me. Like she'd been practicing.

George:You know, I've been thinking about this rejection thing. And I realized something: it's all about confidence. You gotta own it. So from now on, I'm not 'bald' — I'm 'baldy.' Baldy! It's got a ring to it, doesn't it? Friendly. Approachable. Like a guy who knows what he's got and doesn't apologize for it.

Jerry:This is all your fault, George!

George:My fault? How is this my fault?

Jerry:You knew what you were doing. You knew exactly what you were doing.

Jerry:Who is that?

Eyewitness:That's him. That's the guy.

Police Officer:Are you sure? Look at his height.

Eyewitness:No, no. It's the hair. That high hair. That's definitely him.

Police Officer:That's him! That's the guy!

Jerry:Me? What did I do?