The One With The Stoned Guy

Rachel:Wait, this isn't a cinnamon stick... it's a pencil with an eraser!

Chandler:That's a great sweater. The sleeve length is particularly flattering on you.

Chandler:I didn't do it! Whatever it is, I didn't do it! I swear! I have no idea what you're talking about! I'm completely innocent!

Phoebe:Okay, I'm gonna organize a surprise party for Monica's birthday. I'll get everyone together, decorate the apartment, bake a cake...

Phoebe:You know what? Never mind. That's too much work.

Phoebe:But I totally would have thrown the best party ever.

Chandler:Thank you, thank you. I appreciate it. But I have an announcement. I quit.

Monica:What?!

Chandler:Yeah, I quit my job.

Joey:You just got promoted!

Chandler:I know. That's why I quit. I hated it there.

Chandler:I don't want this job. I didn't go to high school so I could work in an office. I went to high school so I could get OUT of an office.

Boss:Well, you're gonna have to work somewhere.

Chandler:I know, but I don't want to work in an office where the acronym for my department is WENUS.

Boss:WENUS?

Chandler:Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems.

Monica:What is the WENUS?

Chandler:The Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. It's a system we use to track our daily productivity. If we don't meet our WENUS by Friday, we're all in trouble.

Chandler:WENUS. It stands for Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems.

Monica:Oh, so you're saying the WENUS is down?

Chandler:A chef? Me? I can barely make toast without setting off the smoke alarm.

Chandler:Last time I tried to cook, Monica had to call the fire department. And she lives with a guy who sets things on fire for a living.

Monica:I got the job! I'm going to be a head chef!

Chandler:That's great! So you'll be wearing one of those big puffy hats?

Monica:Yes, it's a chef's toque.

Chandler:A toque? That's what they're calling it? I've been calling it a 'hat of dreams.'

Rachel:The blunt, inappropriate nature of the question

Rachel:Do you think they're too big?

Chandler:No, no. They're... they're perfect. They're all-natural, they're perky. I mean, what's not to like?

Phoebe:Chandler Bing Bing-a-Ding-a-Ding-Bong!

Chandler:Okay, could you NOT call me that?

Phoebe:Why not? It's fun!

Chandler:Because it's ridiculous. And honestly? I added the 'a-go-go' part myself. It just came out.

Chandler:I don't have any direction in my life. I just wander around, making jokes, no real purpose.

Monica:That's not true, you have—

Chandler:No, no, not you, Ross. You're definitely not going anywhere.

Ross:What? Why am I—I'm standing right here!

Chandler:I have a nightmare.

Joey:The Notebook.

Monica:It's just right.

Chandler:What are you, Goldilocks?

Monica:What will Rachel make for dinner sounds?

Chandler:I'll make yummy noises.

Phoebe:You should make that thing with the stuff. You know... that thing with the stuff?

Joey:Hey, there's this great steakhouse. They got these huge steaks, like the size of your head.

Ross:Yeah, that sounds great. My date is gonna love it.

Joey:Dude, are you sure? I mean, those steaks are really big.

Ross:What? She's got a healthy appetite!

Phoebe:I love Ross!

Ross:I'm going to introduce her to Marcel.

Chandler:Wait, you have an actual monkey?

Ross:So I'm thinking about using a monkey as a wingman.

Chandler:A monkey? Ross, that's the worst idea you've ever had.

Ross:No, no, no. Women love animals. It's a proven fact.

Monica:The only thing women love more than animals is NOT dating a guy with a monkey.

Monica:So what do you think of this salmon mousse?

Chandler:It's good, but it's not as good as the one you made last week.

Monica:I didn't make one last week.

Chandler:Exactly.

Chandler:So I took that aptitude test, and you know what it says I should be?

Joey:What?

Chandler:A statistical analysis and data reconfiguration... whatever.

Monica:That's what you do!

Chandler:I know! Could I *be* any more middle-management?

Monica:Well, at least you don't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.

Chandler:I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I have no direction, no purpose.

Ross:Well, at least you're not a paleontologist who got a nipple comment earlier.

Monica:It's a French term for a small appetizer.

Chandler:So it's amusing?

Rachel:Wait, what? A professional waitress? Monica, I've been waitressing!

Monica:I know, but this woman has experience. Real experience.

Rachel:So what, that's like saying the Olympics don't count because I've been running around my apartment?

Rachel:I mean, I could be in the Olympics of waitressing. I'd get the gold medal in spilling coffee on people and the silver in forgetting orders.

Woman:Talk dirty to me.

Ross:Um, okay. Your... your pelvis is very close to my pelvis.

Ross:It's not a big deal! I was just making an anatomical observation.

Rachel:Ross, you yelled it across the coffee shop.

Ross:Well, I'm proud of my knowledge. And frankly, I'm proud to cuddle with someone who appreciates scientific accuracy.

Ross:I love cuddling.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well, I'm up to 47.

Joey:Okay, okay, so like this: Hey baby, you ever had your uh, your belly button licked before?

Ross:Joey, what are you doing?

Joey:I'm showing you how it's done, man! You gotta be all smooth and sexy. Like, 'Hey gorgeous, you know what I'm thinking about right now?'

Ross:Joey, stop!

Joey:Okay, so when you're auditioning, you want to make a real connection with the casting director. Eye contact is key.

Ross:Even if I'm reading the line about my dead grandmother?

Joey:Especially then. That's when you need to connect the most.

Ross:Okay, could you maybe just... not look at me? Because this is weird enough without you staring into my soul.

Ross:Okay, I'm just going to say it. Monica's been asking me to be more... spontaneous in the bedroom.

Joey:Dude, you gotta talk dirty! Women love that!

Ross:I don't know if I can do that, Joey. It feels so unnatural.

Joey:Come on! Just practice with me. I'll be Monica.

Ross:That's... that's not going to help.

Joey:Okay, okay, just try it. Say something sexy.

Ross:Um... your hair looks... nice?

Joey:No! No! You gotta be more aggressive! Come on, you're a paleontologist, use some big words!

Ross:How is that supposed to help?

Joey:I don't know, just try it!

Monica:Oh my God! Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I didn't see anything!

Ross:Monica, wait—

Monica:No, no, it's fine. I'm happy for you guys. I mean, it's about time.

Joey:What? No, Monica, you don't understand—

Monica:I'm going to go. And I'm not going to tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me.

Chandler:I steal office supplies from work, but it's not the same at home. There's no thrill. At the office, I'm sneaking around, looking over my shoulder... At home, I'm just taking my own stuff. It's depressing.

Chandler:No, no, no. I don't want a raise.

Boss:Twenty percent more?

Chandler:No thank you.

Boss:Thirty percent?

Chandler:I appreciate it, but no.

Boss:Fifty percent more and a company car!

Chandler:Look, I'm flattered, but I really need to leave this job.

Boss:Name your price.

Chandler:There is no price! Well, there's a price, but it's not money.

Chandler:Look at this view! Isn't it amazing?

Monica:Oh my God, is that a couple having sex in that office across the street?

Chandler:Hi, it's me. I'm just calling to see if there's anything you need me to do... No? OK, well, I'm just gonna go ahead and make myself a cup of coffee then. You don't need anything, right? No? OK, great. I'll talk to you later.

Chandler:I just wanted to call my secretary.

Rachel:Oh, like I have real plans? I'm free every night. I literally sit at home and practice my sighs.

Rachel:He's totally baked, you guys. Like, completely blazed. He's so stoned, he's basically a rock. Totally zooted. He's higher than a giraffe's butt in a two-story building. The guy is absolutely reefer-ed up. He's so pot-ed, I think he forgot his own name.

Rachel:I'm like, totally baked, you know? We were just chillin' and gettin' blazed...

Monica:Dave's not here.

Steve:Oh my God, Monica, this is... *makes exaggerated face* ...this is the best thing I've ever tasted in my entire life!

Monica:I made tartlets.

Steve:Tartlets? Tartlets. Tartlets!

Steve:Tart-lets.

His poetic description of ordinary taco shells

Steve getting increasingly excited about junk food. His enthusiasm for the most basic food possible

Steve:I'm gonna save you, gummy bears. I'm coming for you. Don't worry, I'll get you out of there before the milk turns you into a soggy mess.

Monica:I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this... and you can't even wait 4 1/2 minutes for a tartlet?

Ross:So I treated it like an academic literary work. I analyzed the text, examined the subtext, and approached it with scholarly rigor. The villagers were very impressed.

Chandler:Hey, I'm working late on the WENUS.

Joey:The what?

Chandler:The WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. It's what we use to track productivity.

Joey:So you're trying to boost your WENUS?

Chandler:I'm trying to get a big WENUS, yeah.

Phoebe:Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Client:What? What is it?

Phoebe:I'm sorry, I just realized I have a surprise party to go to tonight and I completely forgot!