The M.V.P.

David:I'm going to go play the baseball with Patrick.

Patrick:It's just 'play baseball,' David.

David:That's what I said.

David:Did you see that incredible blocking in the third act?

Patrick:That's... that's the third quarter, David.

David:No.

David:Well, if baseball isn't working out, have you considered French cinema? I'm talking about the really obscure stuff. Éric Rohmer's lesser-known works, perhaps some experimental 16mm films from the 1970s. Much more intellectually stimulating than chasing a ball around a diamond.

Patrick:David, I don't think that's the solution to my baseball problem.

David:I'm not saying it's a solution. I'm saying it's a culturally superior alternative.

Patrick:We just need a warm body!

David:Well, I'm not a coroner, Patrick, so I don't know where you expect me to find one of those.

Patrick:Don't worry, I'll protect you from any fly balls.

David:I'm sorry, fly balls? Patrick, I don't know what that means, but if there are insects involved, I'm going inside.

Patrick:No, no — in baseball. Fly balls are hit into the air.

David:Oh. Well, that's not better.

David:I don't do team sports. I find them to be unnecessarily competitive and divisive. It's like politics, but with more running.

Patrick:What questions do you have?

David:I only care about food.

David:I'm going to play baseball.

David:But I should mention, I have very weak ankles, a bad back, poor vision, and I'm extremely uncoordinated.

Ronnie:You know what? We're playing this game because I say we're playing this game. And Patrick, you look like a thumb that learned to walk.

Johnny:We were called the Flying Latkes. We came in fourth.

David:Out of how many teams?

Johnny:Four.

Roland:You know, Johnny, playing baseball is like being in a war zone. Except in a war zone, people actually care if you show up.

Johnny:I'll have you know I was quite the athlete in my day.

David:Dad, you once told me you got winded walking up the stairs at Barneys.

Johnny:That was a very tall Barneys, David.

Moira:Your father was actually quite athletic. The priest used to call him 'The Torpedo.'

David:Why would a priest call you 'The Torpedo'?

Johnny:I was very fast.

Alexis:Or he was just being nice because you kept falling down.

Roland:Wait, Johnny's on your team? Oh, that changes things. I'm switching my bet.

Roland:I'm betting against you guys now.

Twyla:I was in an Irish dance show once. Got trampled.

Alexis:I was almost in the Pussycat Dolls, but they said I was too pretty and it would be distracting for the other girls.

Stevie:No.

Alexis:I think what Stevie meant to say is—

Stevie:No, I meant to say no.

Stevie:The irony that I'm signed up to be the star of a play.

Alexis:Okay, so you're nervous about rehearsal? Don't be. I've done this before.

Alexis:When I was dating that guy from Maroon 5, he had me do vocal warm-ups all the time. It's basically the same thing.

Alexis:Although, I will say, my vocal range was more of a... selective range. But that's beside the point.

Alexis:Another layer to her Pussycat Dolls fantasy

Moira:Welcome to my Cabaret. *pauses dramatically* And scene.

Moira:I find that word to be rather lupanarian in its connotations.

Moira:I'm not missing my cues, I'm inspiring. There's a difference between performing and inspiring, and I inspire.

Moira:Allow me to introduce the star of our production - Stevie Budd, a woman of many talents, none of which appear to be relevant to this particular endeavor.

Moira:Stevie, I have complete faith in you. Well, I have faith. I mean, I have some faith. I wouldn't say none.

Stevie:I have a lot of monsters on my back.

David:I cannot believe you would pair those sneakers with that gym bag. The colorway is completely incompatible.

David:Do you understand what you're doing? You're creating visual chaos. It's actually making me feel physically ill.

Johnny:Your mother and I were just reminiscing about your baseball days.

David:I don't have baseball days.

Johnny:Well, that one game in the summer of '98.

David:Dad, I got hit in the head with a pitch.

Johnny:Yes, but you were on a team! For a brief moment, you were part of something.

David:I was hit in the head. The pitcher looked directly at me before throwing the ball.

Johnny:David, I'm worried about you. Do you have all the proper protective equipment?

David:Dad, I'm fine. I don't need protective equipment.

Johnny:Are you sure? Because I bought you a hazmat suit, a respirator, and industrial-grade gloves.

David:Why would I need all that?

Johnny:For working at the store. I've seen the way you organize those shelves.

David:I was asked to leave Little League. They said I had a 'negative impact on team morale.' Apparently, telling nine-year-olds that their dreams were statistically unlikely to come true was 'inappropriate.'

David:I'm not opposed to physical activity, but these helmets come in such pedestrian colors. Surely there's a safety option in eggplant or at least a tasteful charcoal?

Director:I say a word, you say the first thing that comes to mind.

Moira:Sunshine.

Director:Dark.

Moira:Murder.

Director:Light.

Moira:Serial killer.

Director:Hope.

Moira:Dismemberment.

Director:Love.

Moira:Burial in a shallow grave.

Moira:The choreography has taken a rather dark turn. I need you all to approach this next sequence in scordatura.

Moira:Alright, everyone gather around. We're going to do a quick count-off. It's very simple. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

Moira:David, you're one.

David:Okay.

Moira:Alexis, you're two.

Alexis:Got it.

Moira:Johnny, you're three.

Johnny:Mm-hmm.

Moira:And Stevie, you're... five.

Alexis:Wait, so you're telling me we're not done? Because I was promised alcohol after this. That was literally the only reason I agreed to do the Pussycat Dolls thing.

David:Patrick, could you perhaps throw it slower? And maybe... in a more upward trajectory? So it just kind of floats into my hands?

Patrick:That's not really how baseball works.

David:Well, it should be.

David:Well, you're not exactly "The Herb" anymore, Dad. You're more like "The Guy Who Lost Everything."

Roland:Well, I'm gonna have to stay neutral. I can't cheer against my friend, but I can't cheer against my business partner either.

Patrick:Well, actually, there are several sons in baseball. In fact, most players are someone's son.

Patrick:Their school is called 'Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.' So their cheer is basically just depression.

Patrick:Well, you see, in sports there's always a rivalry, and I think what we're dealing with here is that 'Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow' is just inherently depressing as a team name for cheerleaders.

Stevie:I'm in a room... with a bunch of people staring at me... I can feel their eyes on me... I'm starting to sweat... My heart is pounding... I don't know how I got here... I want to leave... but I can't...

Stevie:I didn't actually do the exercise.

Moira:Oh, bravo! The authenticity! You're playing it as though you didn't do it. Very clever.

Moira:You have five minutes. Go.

Moira:That's two minutes gone. You're down to three.

Moira:One and a half. You're not relaxing efficiently.

Moira:Time's up. Back to work.

Moira:Stevie is a saint, Alexis. You're being a Xerox machine.

Moira:I'll have you know my director training was rigorous. We had physical conditioning, vocal training, and sob therapy.

Moira:Yes, sob therapy. Learning to cry on command is essential for any director who wants to elicit genuine emotion from their cast.

David:Why are you like this? Why are you suddenly so competitive about a board game?

Johnny:Because I'm winning, David.

David:Yes, well, it's terrifying. And frankly, I don't like seeing this side of you.

Ronnie:Hit it to right field! Come on!

Ronnie:David couldn't catch a cold if he was licking a sick person's face!

Bob:Can we just... can we just skip to the part where I sit quietly in the corner and judge everyone?

Moira:Absolutely not.

Bob:It's the only thing I'm good at.

David:Is it... a man having an affair with his dental hygienist?

Moira:How did you—

David:I mean, it's not that oddly specific for Schitt's Creek.

Bob:What was the guess again?

Patrick:I could pinch-hit for you.

David:No, no. Batting is my strength.

Patrick:You struck out three times.

David:Yes, but I made contact twice.

David:I made contact once.

Crowd:David! David! David!

Crowd:David Rose! David Rose! David Rose!

Roland:Johnny, you're as blind as a bat out of hell!

Ronnie:So I got the Leafs at plus-200, but I also got the Habs at plus-180, and I hedged it with a parlay on the Sens at even money.

Ronnie:That way, no matter who wins, I'm covered. Well, as long as it's one of those three teams. If any other team wins, I lose everything.

David:Wait, so I don't get MVP status for this?

Patrick:MVP is Most Valuable Player, David.

David:Yes, and I've been very valuable to this store while I'm suffering through a legitimate injury.

Patrick:That's not what MVP means.

David:Well, what does it mean then?

Patrick:Most Valuable Player. It's a sports term.

David:Oh. I thought it was... very important person status.

David:Wait, so you're saying that I'm not a VIP?

Patrick:No, you're not a VIP.

David:But I thought—

Patrick:David, you're my business partner and my husband. You don't need to be a VIP. You just... exist.

Patrick:Your competitive fire really helped you get through that.

David:Well, I mean, they were serving a charcuterie board at the finish line.