Roadkill

David:Tax seminars? You're going to tax seminars?

Alexis:Well, I have to learn about taxes, David. I can't just ignore them forever.

David:Why not? I have been for years.

Alexis:A Tamagotchi? Really?

David:Yes, Alexis. It's literally just a small digital pet that you have to keep alive by feeding it and taking care of it.

Alexis:I was just trying to keep them alive!

David:You had seventeen of them, Alexis. Seventeen. And you named them all variations of your own name.

Alexis:That's not true.

David:Alexis, Alexiss with two S's, Lex, Lexi, Lexus — which, by the way, is a car — Lex-Anne with a hyphen, A-Lex, X-Lex, and then you just gave up and named one 'Alexis But Make It Fashion.'

Alexis:That last one was ironic.

David:You're actively murdering these digital pets.

Alexis:I'm not murdering them, David. They're not real.

David:They may not be real, but your negligence is very real.

Stevie:I need a break from Moira. She texted me 'k' this morning.

David:I'm not going to stop talking about Tamagotchis. I didn't murder someone.

Moira:Stevie, darling, I've been thinking about your future, and I have some thoughts. Perhaps you could be a car rental associate? You have the right amount of... availability. Or maybe a phlebotomist? You're so good with people, but not in a way that requires conversation. Oh! A parking enforcement officer. You have that natural authority that comes from deep-seated resentment.

Moira:A massage is a series of movements performed on the body using pressure and friction. The practitioner will apply varying degrees of force to manipulate the soft tissues, which may result in temporary discomfort, followed by what some describe as relief. It's essentially consensual assault with essential oils.

Moira:Now, I've allocated 40 minutes for my Swedish massage, 30 minutes for the seaweed wrap, 20 minutes for the facial, and Johnny, I've blocked off an hour and a half for you in the bathroom.

Johnny:An hour and a half?

Moira:Yes, I've factored in time for you to stand there looking confused by all the products.

Moira:This velvet has real emotional complexity. It's vulnerable, yet unapologetically sensual. This silk, on the other hand, is emotionally distant—it's beautiful, but it doesn't care if you love it.

Moira:Well, if you hit it, it's probably just returning to the circle of life. It's Passover for the animals.

Moira:Well, I for one am not about to be made a fool of by some ailurophobe who thinks they can just waltz into our lives and claim ownership of our cat.

David:I'm organizing these by color, size, and provenance. It's very important to have a system. Serial killers have systems, and look how organized they are.

Wendy:David? David Rose? Oh my God, it IS you! What are you doing here?

David:Hello, Wendy. I'm just browsing.

Wendy:Well, I am absolutely certain I saw you here. I'm as certain of that as I am of my marriages ending.

David:Which is...?

Wendy:Four times certain.

Wendy:Love is like a bird...

Wendy:...you have to feed it, or it dies. But also, you can't keep it in a cage, or it will suffocate. But if you let it out, it might fly into a window and die anyway. So really, the bird is doomed no matter what you do, which is why I don't have pets.

David:So it's exactly like your old store, just with more desperation and a folding table.

David:Well, I mean, Antonio does have a certain... je ne sais quoi. Though I'm not sure if it's the same je ne sais quoi that I have. Mine is more of a refined, understated elegance, whereas his seems to be more of a... how do I put this delicately... aggressive desperation.

Stevie:It's Stevie.

Wendy:Right, Karen.

Stevie:Mm-hmm.

David:She has terrible taste in men. She once told me she thought Jon Gosselin was attractive.

Alexis:Oh my God, is this a package for me? I'm not expecting anything. Did I order something and black out?

Ted:No, no. I'm not here as a delivery person. I actually... I bought you something.

Alexis:Wait, you bought me a gift? Ted, that's so sweet!

Alexis:Oh my God, you're here with my package?

Ted:Yeah, I have your delivery.

Alexis:Well, come in, come in. I wasn't expecting you so soon.

Ted:I aim to please.

Alexis:Oh!

Ted:Your robe—

Alexis:Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. I just got out of the shower. Don't look at me!

Ted:Hello, I am here to deliver your package. I have filled out all the requisite forms in triplicate and I have my delivery confirmation device right here. Should I place it on the counter or would you prefer I leave it by the door? I should note that according to subsection 4.2 of the delivery company handbook, I am required to obtain a signature.

Alexis:Ted, what are you doing?

Ted:I'm being sexy. Is it not working?

Ted:I was late because my dog died that morning.

Alexis:Oh my God, Ted, I'm so sorry.

Ted:Yeah, well, you didn't seem very sorry when you were handcuffing me to the bed saying 'Daddy's here to punish the naughty delivery boy.'

Alexis:...

Johnny:I think we should just be honest about what happened with the accident.

Moira:Honest? Johnny, honesty is a luxury for people with good insurance and strong cheekbones. We were hit by a vehicle piloted by a woman named Brenda who was distracted by her emotional support llama.

Moira:The llama had escaped from a traveling circus, and Brenda was a former trapeze artist trying to recapture her glory days. She didn't even have a license—she was operating the vehicle illegally as part of an underground car-sharing operation run by her estranged mother.

Moira:I have been informed that my husband has engaged in sexual relations with our son's former paramour.

Moira:Well, I've been practicing what I call 'vehicular decorum' — it's a very delicate balance of grace and restraint while operating a motor vehicle.

Moira:I would love to stay and chat, but I have a very important appointment at the spa. I'm getting a seaweed wrap, followed by a hot stone massage, and then I'm having my chakras aligned by a shaman who only works on Tuesdays.

Moira:Plus, I promised myself I'd be home in time to practice my interpretive dance routine. It's very demanding work, and quite frankly, your cat situation, while tragic, is simply not as pressing as my wellness schedule.

Moira:Well, I suppose we could pop in for a moment. Johnny, darling, why don't you stay here and... chat with the livestock.

Johnny:Moira, what are you doing?

Moira:I'm going to the spa. Alone. Without you.

David:Wait. Is this... are you selling... knockoffs?

Stevie:Yeah.

David:You're selling counterfeit goods out of my store?

Stevie:Well, technically it's our store now.

David:That is not the point! This is illegal!

Stevie:I know.

David:A sunflower? Really? That's what we're going with? Sunflowers are so... cheerful. And common. They're the participation trophy of flowers.

Roland:Wait, which David did I talk to?

David:The one that's literally standing right here.

David:These are just knockoff versions of the real thing. They're cheap imitations that don't even come close to the quality.

Roland:You know, it's funny - you and your products are more alike than you think.

David:What is that supposed to mean?

Roland:Well, you're both kind of fake too.

David:You know what? I'm just going to leave. I'm going to get in the car and I'm going to drive away from here and never come back.

David:And I'm going to change my name, and I'm going to start a new life somewhere where nobody knows who I am or what happened at this flea market.

Farmer:My daughter's out there somewhere, probably knee-deep in some guy.

Moira:Well, good for her! A girl's got to get her steps in.

Moira:Well, it was a Tuesday. Or a Wednesday. Time moves differently when you're grieving. I found Mr. Whiskers on the chaise lounge in the sunroom, perfectly posed, as if he'd orchestrated the whole thing. And perhaps he had. Perhaps he'd simply decided that this mortal coil was no longer worth the effort. It was very Schopenhauer of him, really. A philosophical statement wrapped in fur.

David:Oh my God. Is that... feet? Why does it smell like a foot had a foot?

David:It's a luxury face cream that costs $800 a jar, and the description says 'luxurious luxury for your luxurious face.'

David:These are knockoff products. This is a knockoff of my brand.

Roland:Well, yeah, but they're a quarter of the price!

David:Roland, they say 'Schitt's Creek Apothecary' on them. That's MY name.

Roland:I know! Isn't it great? I'm gonna buy a whole case!

Roland:You know, these products are so cheap, pharmacies are gonna start giving them out for Halloween instead of candy.

Ted:That was... wow. I mean, you really knew what you were doing.

Alexis:Oh my god, no I didn't. I was just lying there thinking about my highlights the whole time.

Alexis:Oh my God, we could have been caught!

Ted:Yeah, that would have been so hot.

Moira:I came to this godforsaken farmhouse for what I thought would be a quaint weekend respite, and now I'm being held prisoner like some sort of political hostage in a third-world country!

Johnny:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me you want me to pay for a cat's funeral?

Farmer:That's right. Fluffy was a good mouser.

Johnny:A good mouser? The cat is dead! What is it mousing now, the afterlife?

Moira:Well, that's clearly not true. You've had multiple cats. I assume the oxygen deprivation from living in that car has affected your memory.

David:I want tickets to Hamilton.

Moira:You mean Hamiltrton?

Johnny:Why don't you take your grandmother to the spa?

Alexis:That's my mother.

David:Wait, so there's Marcus, and then there's... who else?

Wendy:Well, there's Marcus, and then there's Derek.

David:Derek. Right. And that's...

Wendy:And then there's Steve.

David:Steve. Okay. So Marcus, Derek, and Steve.

Wendy:And Gary.

David:There's a Gary?

Wendy:And Brian.

David:How many men are there?

David:So you and Antonio are... together?

Wendy:What? No. He's my realtor.

David:Your realtor.

Wendy:Yes.

David:I thought you two were... I mean, the way you were talking about him...

Wendy:David, he sold me a condo.

Wendy:Their apartment is so small, when Brad and Antonio have people over, someone always ends up in the bedroom.

Wendy:Last week, I was in there with three other people, and we were just... packed in there together.

Wendy:I'm so grateful for everything you do for me, David. I don't know what I'd do without you.

David:Yes, well, you'd probably be lost. Literally and figuratively.

Ted:So my grandmother, she actually died twice.

Ted:The first time was in 1987, but then she got better.

Ted:And then the second time, it really stuck.

Ted:Very sudden. She was doing yoga.

Alexis:I didn't break the sink, David. I was just washing my hair in it because the shower was taking too long, and then I may have accidentally kicked it, but that was after I was done washing my hair, so technically the sink was already broken by the time I kicked it.

Alexis:What? I wash my face in the sink sometimes.

David:Sometimes? Alexis, that is a sink. That is not a bathing facility.

Ted · Alexis:Ted and Alexis's post-coital scene in David's store: 'Whoa! That was...' 'I know, like they're good, but that was like...' 'You pulled some new tricks out.' 'New to you.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'Anyway, David should leave you in charge of the store more often.' Alexis: 'Um... Ted, the door was unlocked the entire time!'

Ted · Alexis:Ted and Alexis pretending there was a delivery man who broke the sink — Ted inventing increasingly implausible details about 'the scanner thing'

Ted:I'd get your signature, but I guess I left my clipboard and scanner thing somewhere, so.

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'I guess I left my clipboard... and scanner thing somewhere, so.' Alexis: 'Do you think it might be in David's new bathroom? Apparently it's just for customers, but he never lets anyone use it.' Ted: 'I remember now, I definitely left my scanner thing in there.'

Ted · Alexis:Alexis suggests going to 'find the scanner thing'; Ted asks to drop the bit because 'it's kinda throwing me off'

Ted:Ted: 'Oh, this is nice!' [reacting to David's bathroom] then immediately: 'Uh-oh! Is that a sink? Oh! A sink it is!'

Moira:Moira at the farmhouse: 'How are we still trapped in this gothic horror show?'

John:John: 'You know, I think we've already missed the seaweed wrap, and at this rate, it's not looking good for the salt scrub.'

Moira · John · Farmer:Farmer asks the Roses to pay for the cat's funeral. John: 'The funeral... for your cat?' Farmer: 'Well it was Baby's only cat.' Moira: 'Perhaps it's the lack of air, but I believe I saw three or four cats running around since this interrogation began.'

Moira · John · Farmer:Farmer asks if Bebe likes the theatre. Moira offers complimentary partially-obstructed-view seats to Cabaret. Farmer: 'No! She likes the Kinky Shoes.'

John:John: 'I believe it's Kinky Boots. And no.' — delivered as if the title correction is the more important clarification

John · Farmer · Moira:John suggests a professional massage for Bebe. Farmer: 'I like massages.' Moira: 'So, now you're taking Bebe to the spa?' John: 'No...maybe Baby can take her, uh, grandmother.' Farmer: 'I'm her mother!'

Moira · Farmer:Moira offering the spa to the farmer: 'And you are going to adore the rejuvenating facial peel.' Farmer: 'Can I keep the slippers?'

John:John giving the farmer his aftershave as a parting gift: 'This is my favourite aftershave. This is for you.'

Wendy · David:Wendy to David at the flea market: 'You know, when Antonio came to me with this idea, I wasn't sure there was a market for another general store. Everyone is doing them now.' David: 'Yeah, I was one of the first, but I get it.'

David · Wendy:David: 'I don't wanna be the one to have to tell you this, but it's about your fiancé.' Wendy: 'You know Brad?' David: 'Who's Brad?' Wendy: 'My fiancé.' David: '...I thought you and Antonio were—' Wendy: 'Oh David... we're business partners.'

David:David: 'Well, that's gonna make this a little easier.' — pivoting immediately to exposing Antonio as a criminal now that Wendy's romantic feelings are irrelevant

Stevie · Wendy:Wendy: 'Antonio said it was locally sourced.' Stevie: 'Sure. If you consider the dollar store local. These sell for 99 cents.'

Wendy · David:Wendy: 'In my weaker moments, I've been tempted to cheat on poor, sweet Brad.' David: 'With Antonio?' Wendy: 'Well, obviously you picked up on the intense heat between us if you thought we were a couple.'

Wendy:Wendy explaining Brad and Antonio's living situation: 'He and Antonio are roommates. They share this tiny one-bedroom together. And it is so crowded in there, they had to put the mirror on the ceiling.'

David:David: 'Yeah. Best to shut all that down, I think.' then 'I literally don't know, Wendy.' (when asked what she'd do without him)

David:Wendy, for several reasons I think you need to say goodbye to Antonio.

Wendy · David:Wendy: 'You wanna get high?' David: 'No, but thank you.'

Alexis:Alexis's cover story to David: 'The delivery man came in, used the bathroom, somehow broke the sink, and then left without delivering the package.'

Alexis · David:David pressing Alexis on the cover story: 'He felt drunk because he knocked over a lot of things.' Alexis: 'Um, no... Well, you were here for part of it.' 'Right, but I got here late... my grandmother passed away.' David: 'Oh God!' Alexis: 'A few years ago. And it's just been real tough to get over.'

Alexis:I think he meant, like, sorry I missed you. Because I was here the entire time. And I actually think that he was like a little bit drunk, because he knocked over a lot of things.

David:David reveals there are security cameras: 'Fortunately we had these security cameras installed... I don't really know how this works, Patrick went to that seminar.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Honestly, I don't think you wanna do that.' [referencing the security footage]

David:David: 'You said you could trust me. First the Tamagotchis, now this! Get out of my store.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'You can take the money for the sink out of what you were going to pay me for today.' David: 'I wasn't planning on paying you anything. Get out!'

Ted · David:Ted: 'And if we're pointing fingers, David, I've done it on a lot of sinks and I've never had an issue.' David: 'When you say you've done it on a lot of sinks—' Ted: 'Out!'

Ted:And if we're pointing fingers, David, I've done it on a lot of sinks and I've never had an issue.