Meet The Parents

David:Surprise parties are tacky and organized by people with bad taste.

David:I'm throwing one.

Johnny:We'll need to quarantine the camels for at least two weeks before the party.

David:I have been planning. I just don't trust any of you with secrets. Moira once told me she was keeping a surprise party for me, and then showed up to my birthday in a mermaid costume.

Moira:It was a themed party.

David:My birthday isn't under the sea.

David:You're all terrible at keeping secrets.

Moira:Character assassination! This is character assassination!

David:We can't keep secrets.

David:Evidence: they revealed the ending of 'The Crows' movie.

David:You spoiled the movie for me!

Johnny:David, I didn't tell anyone.

Alexis:Yeah, we would never do that.

David:Oh really? Because I remember you telling me about it the second you got home, Dad.

Johnny:Well, yes, but—

David:And you, Alexis—I literally gave you the script to read.

Alexis:I thought that was confidential!

Moira:David would never betray a confidence. He's very good at keeping secrets. In fact, I didn't even know he was in a movie until he told me about it last week.

David:I have one more surprise for you.

David:I've invited your parents.

Patrick:What?

David:They're here. They're waiting outside.

Moira:Well, I mean, one moment you're meeting their parents, and the next moment you're buying a timeshare in Scottsdale and arguing about whose turn it is to use the bidet.

David:This will be special.

David:I've planned something you're not expecting.

David:I hope you're ready to be surprised.

David:Actually, I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

David:This is harder than I thought it would be.

David:I don't know why I'm getting emotional about this.

Alexis:Wait, so what happens at the end?

Johnny:Well, I don't want to spoil it for you, but let's just say it's a real... Freddy Krueger meets Jaws situation. A Fredaws, if you will.

Alexis:That doesn't make any sense.

Johnny:It's more of a Nightmare on Elm Street meets The Ring type thing. A Nightmare Ring. Or a Ringtmare, really.

Johnny:But I've already said too much. The studios really don't want me talking about this.

Roland:You know, I'm really touched by this moment. You all mean so much to me.

Roland:You're like... well, you're my former business associates who are now my neighbors, but also kind of my friends, except we've had that thing where we weren't speaking for a bit, but now we're past that, so I guess you're more like... acquaintances who've become closer through proximity and shared experiences?

Roland:This is nice, Johnny. I appreciate you thinking of me for this special moment.

Johnny:Roland, you're not here because I invited you. You're here because Jazzagals is doing their spring cleaning today.

Roland:Well, I mean, we're both very handsome men. It's an easy mistake to make.

Roland:David's just got better bones, better skin, better hair, better everything really. But other than that, we're practically twins.

Roland:Well, he runs it into the ground, if that's what you mean.

Roland:I've seen better management at a lemonade stand.

Johnny:Well, I think that's great, Roland. I really do. And I'm sure that once people get to know me, they'll see past all of that and realize what a tremendous asset I could be to this community.

Roland:Yeah, well... you're not *completely* useless, I guess.

Johnny:I just have some concerns about the two of them going into business together.

Roland:Well, you know, I get it. Two guys, it's not for everybody.

Johnny:No, no, that's not what I meant. I'm talking about the business venture.

Roland:Right, right. Two guys in business together. I hear you.

Roland:You're not very progressive, are you?

Johnny:I'm very progressive. I just think mixing business and romance is a recipe for disaster.

Roland:

Roland:Yeah, and you two looked real surprised when you found out. I mean, your jaws were on the ground. You didn't know they were business partners.

Roland:Well, that didn't go great.

Alexis:Mom, that color is really bringing out the sergeantatarms energy in your face.

Moira:Thank you, darling.

Alexis:Yeah, so I was thinking, could you sign a permission slip for me?

Moira:I have some exciting news. I've found a promising new revenue stream for our family.

Johnny:What is it?

Moira:I'm going to be a test subject for medical trials.

Moira:I'm offering comprehensive medical testing for only $200 a week.

David:Mom, that's insane.

Moira:Well, if you'd prefer the premium package with bloodwork and imaging, that's $2,000 a week.

David:You're running a medical scam out of our house?

Moira:I prefer to think of it as a wellness opportunity.

Moira:They're like salamanders. Cold-blooded, slimy, and they reproduce by flinging their genetic material at each other indiscriminately.

Moira:I have certain standards about my self-worth.

Alexis:Mom, you did a commercial for hemorrhoid cream.

Moira:It was a very tasteful commercial.

Alexis:You were sitting on a bidet.

Moira:A French bidet. It was an art film.

Moira:I need a safe word for this gaggle of asymmetrical faces.

David:Patrick, I need you to stay away from the store tonight.

Patrick:Why? What's going on?

David:Well, the building is being treated for a very rare and aggressive form of mold. It's called... Fusarium Oxysporum Roseum. It's highly contagious and can cause severe respiratory damage, hair loss, and in some cases, temporary blindness.

Patrick:David, what are you talking about?

David:The health inspector called this morning. We're completely quarantined until Thursday. You absolutely cannot come in. In fact, no one can. It's a biohazard situation.

Stevie:So you lied about a salmonella outbreak to get out of a business meeting, and now the Rose Apothecary is closed, and we're hemorrhaging money.

Johnny:Stevie, I made it. I'm here.

Stevie:Yeah, I can see that. You're sweating through your shirt and breathing like you just ran a marathon.

Johnny:I was in a hurry.

Stevie:To get here? Or to leave?

David:Did you tell them about the blackout curtains? Because they need to be drawn by 6:47 PM. Not 6:45, not 6:50. 6:47.

Johnny:Why 6:47?

David:Because that's when the sun hits the west-facing window at the precise angle that causes a glare on the television screen, and I've timed it.

Johnny:Do your mother and I know that you and Patrick are dating?

David:Yes.

Johnny:And you're both... comfortable with that?

David:Yes, Dad. Very much so.

Johnny:Well, that's... that's wonderful. I mean, he seems like a very nice man. Very successful. And his ex-fiancée, Stevie, she's a lovely...

Johnny:Well, your mother and I, we're very supportive of you and Patrick, but we're just trying to understand the dynamic here. You're business partners and you're also... romantically in business together.

Stevie:Romantically in business? That's not a thing.

David:They have to know. They have to know about us.

David:I mean, what if they find out from someone else? What if they hear it on the street?

David:We live in a town of 5,000 people. Someone's going to tell them.

David:And then what? Then I'm a liar. I'm someone who hid this from his own parents.

David:Do you understand what that makes me?

David:A bad son. A secretive, deceptive bad son.

David:So, are you... are you ashamed of me?

Johnny:Well, yes.

Stevie:Yeah.

David:Everyone needs to stay calm and silent.

Johnny:What?

Moira:I have protected you from the darkness of this industry.

Alexis:Mom, you took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven.

Moira:Well, there's a children's grotto.

Moira:Gloria Gregson is only the most iconic character in daytime television history. She's a former trapeze artist turned neurologist who discovered a cure for a fictional disease, had an affair with her own son—not biologically, it was very complicated—faked her own death twice, came back as her evil twin, and once performed an emergency C-section on herself using only a letter opener and her wits.

Gloria:Oh honey, with a face like that, I'm surprised your mother didn't leave you at the hospital.

Gloria:Ew.

Patrick:...

Patrick:I haven't told them because I'm terrified. I'm terrified they won't accept me, I'm terrified they'll reject me, and I'm terrified that everything I've built with David will somehow be less than because of who I am.

David:You know, when I came out to my parents, I was terrified. But they were actually very supportive. So whenever you're ready to tell them about... whoever it is you're seeing, I'm sure they'll be fine with it.

David:Although, I should mention—when I say 'supportive,' I mean they didn't disown me. If you bring home a couple, that might test their limits a bit.

David:Patrick, I need to tell you something. I've been keeping this secret, and I just came out of the closet.

Patrick:David, what are you talking about?

David:Literally. I was hiding in the closet to surprise you for your party.

David:I can go back in the closet if that would make you more comfortable.

Patrick:Is the party at the cafe?

David:No, I have a prior commitment. I've been... compromised.

David:I apologize for the miscommunication.

Moira:Well, what exactly did you mean to communicate?

David:What I said.

David:You're not... upset? About the gay part?

Marci:Upset? No, honey. We love you.

Clint:It's everything else about you we can't stand.

David:Oh, thank God.

David:We could just pretend we don't know about it.

David:...I see how that sounded.

Alexis:We actually used your wine for sangria.

Gloria:Sangria?! That's a crime against my brand!

Alexis:Well, it was cheap sangria...

Moira:So you're telling me you won't exploit your extremities for twenty dollars?

Gloria:Twenty dollars? I charge fifty. And I have to prepare my feet. I can't just show up in sandals.

Alexis:Okay, so I'm thinking we charge $50 for a standard feet photo, $75 if you want her to hold something, and $100 if you want her to do like a pose or a thing.

Moira:Alexis, why would anyone be paying for photographs of my feet?

Alexis:I don't know, but apparently there's a market for it. We'd be leaving money on the table if we didn't capitalize on it.

David:Okay, so we need to coordinate the surprise. Everyone chant 'Surprise!' on three.

Stevie:That's not going to work. Half of you can't count to three.

Moira:I can count to three!

Johnny:Last time we tried this, someone yelled it on two.

David:Fine. New plan. We just all yell 'Surprise' together.

Stevie:You're still going to mess it up. We need something simpler.

David:Like what?

Stevie:One word. Just yell 'Hey!' Everyone can handle one word.

David:So, how are you enjoying the party?

David:By the way, I've been meaning to tell you about this absolutely catastrophic real estate investment I made in 2008.

Clint:So David, your fashion sense is very... unique.

David:Thank you.

Clint:No, I mean — I genuinely don't understand what I'm looking at.

David:He'll come around. Everyone does. It's only a matter of time before he realizes that I'm right about fashion, and he's been dressing like a cast member from Cops.

Patrick:It was one of the happiest nights.

David:Well, I'm glad you felt that way, but we really do need to talk about the food waste issue.

Patrick:My parents weren't surprised enough when I told them I was getting married. They were just like, 'Oh, that's nice.' So I've come to the conclusion that my parents are just bad actors.

Patrick:I'm just putting together that David's behavior... I'm hoping he at least paid for the gift basket.