The Roast

Did he just say 'merriment?' / I think he did. / Yes, I said 'merriment.' Because that's what happens when I spend too much time with my mother

last week she told me to dance like an Indonesian scarf caught in the wind

I don't even know what that looks like

Yes, you have legs like tree trunks, we knew that going into this

I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice, he was the hosting at the time

I've just been to Miami so many times before, and trust me, the 'wildlife' is not as sexy up close

We just need to figure out where. / And what page is that? / Well, we both agree that we wanna get away, and we both agree that we're gonna land on somewhere so good

[Awkward silence as Ted realizes Alexis hasn't understood his Galapagos hint at all]

Roland's extended fire metaphors about Moira's roasting ability

Well, maybe you'd know, if you graduated elementary school

Look at your face! 'Oh Roland, I'm sorry, did I go too far?'

Oh pal, you are going to get eaten alive tonight!

You make me sound like a feral cat

a cheque that apparently is tax for the government, and not, as I assumed, a bonus for me

you have been awfully clingy of late

I think it might be propitious for you to spend some time with your peers

your show is stripping me of a social life

You employ the wrong font, and you may as well bid Auf Wiedersehen to ticket sales

We're both going home though! What the hell?!

You mean, other than wanting to study some of the rarest and most diverse forms of plant and animal life on the planet?

You know, Emmett, the tortoise is 180-years-old, So I'm sure he'll still be around in another few years

once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity

I once maintained a successful, semi-committed text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting 'Pearl Harbor'

That was a good talk for everyone

Babe, do you have a dishwasher? / Okay, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna figure it out then

Sorry, you know those days where you're just like, super in love? / Hmm, not really

Like, he gives me so much, and I have learned to take as well

Someone who would literally put all their hopes and dreams aside to be with me

You're like my little fairy godmother, if she wore an apron, and Celine Dion's perfume

It's a bit too European for my taste

The phone book? How old are these?!

Johnny, you need a search and rescue team to find the punchlines for those setups

Just stay away from spouses, kids, and health, and you'll be fine. Like Roland in the bedroom

It's 7:15. Are you sure you should be walking over there alone at this hour?

What the hell?! / I don't-I don't know

skullduggery, when it leads to such thrilling results, a pinch of moral corruption is a small price to pay

I loosened the pickle jar. Derek merely popped the lid

Yes, Ted Mullens, I will go to the Cayman Islands with you. / Uh, you mean the Galapagos?

Yes! Let's celebrate! / Uh, no, no, no, I meant like, vaccinations

And boy, does he have a lot of gut to go with

And look at Bob, pretending to get it. And we all know Gwen, he hasn't gotten it in years!

Johnny's 'rippers' and 'starched sleeve' banter

a few tasty little rippers that are more palatable than anything Jocelyn's been serving up tonight

we all know if you've ever taken your car to Bob's Garage, he's not necessarily known 'four helpings' anyone

Which is what the town must've been thinking when Roland elected himself Mayor

Johnny's Roland Mayor election joke

The last time anyone saw her this happy was at a 3-for-1 sale on cargo pants!

which is what a car is supposed to do... unless you take it to Bob's Garage!

Which reminds me of the last time I was in Roland's bedroom, um... well, I-I wasn't in Roland's bedroom

with all the venom of a silkworm

like you did with your education

not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer

Something the good people at Blockbuster never said about Rose Video

That was low, like David's standards

Or the placement of Alexis' back tattoo

It says 'that's hot' in Cantonese. Got it in Hong Kong. / I was 12-years-old!