The Roast

Patrick:Why do you talk like that?

Stevie:Yeah, David. It's weird.

David:My mother raised me to have a certain level of eloquence and refinement in my speech patterns.

Patrick:See? There it is again.

David:It's not my fault. Blame Rose.

Moira:Now, when you're moving through space, I want you to think of yourself as a delicate chrysalis unfurling in reverse. Not backwards, darling—that would be pedestrian. I want you to move as though you're a thought that Cocteau had and then immediately forgot.

Patrick:I'm not sure I understand what that means.

Moira:Well, of course you don't. That's precisely why you need my direction. Now, again—but this time, imagine you're a silk scarf caught in a gentle but artfully tragic wind.

Patrick:I'm sorry, which way is the scarf supposed to go?

David:It's an Indonesian scarf, Patrick. It goes... Indonesian.

Patrick:Right, but what does that mean, exactly?

David:Well, if it helps, I don't think anyone will laugh at you. I think they'll just sit in silence, which is somehow worse.

David:You can't just bring in some random celebrity to give pageant advice. Do you know what happened the last time someone did that? Neither do I, because it's never happened, but I'm sure it was a disaster.

Ted:There's so much wildlife in Miami.

Alexis:Oh my God, yeah. The nightlife there is insane.

Ted:So I was thinking we could go to the Galapagos Islands for our honeymoon.

Alexis:Oh my god, yes, totally. I was thinking more like... Paris? Or maybe the Maldives?

Ted:Right, so Galapagos. We're on the same page.

Alexis:Completely on the same page. I'm seeing Bora Bora, obviously.

Ted:Galapagos.

Alexis:Mm-hmm, Bora Bora.

Ted:We're so good at communicating.

Alexis:The best. I'll start looking at flights to... you know where.

Ted:Alexis, I've been talking about the Galapagos for weeks now.

Alexis:I know, and I think Cabo would be so much better for us.

Ted:The Galapagos.

Alexis:Or maybe Turks and Caicos?

Ted:...

Roland:I miss Moira. She's like a fire that burns so bright, consuming everything in its path, leaving nothing but ash and devastation in her wake. A fire that spreads across the dry plains of my heart, engulfing every rational thought, every moment of peace, until I'm nothing but a smoldering heap of longing and regret. A fire that—

David:Dad, she's been gone for three days.

Roland:A FIRE, David!

Johnny:Well, Roland, that's because you didn't go to school. You were homeschooled by a man named Frank who lived in a van.

Roland:Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so sensitive. What are you gonna do, cry about it? Oh wait, you already are!

Roland:Oh, you're gonna get eaten alive out there. You know that, right? You're gonna walk out there, and people are gonna see you, and they're gonna think, 'Who is this guy?' And then you're gonna open your mouth, and they're gonna know.

Moira:Why are you walking alone?

David:Because apparently that's what I do now. I walk. Alone. Like some sort of... solitary figure in a Bergman film, pondering the meaninglessness of existence and my mother's inability to simply let me be.

David:I'm going home because I assumed taxes were a bonus.

David:Turns out they're not. They're actually money I owe.

Moira:David wants to have dinner? That's wonderful. Does he know how to cook, or is he just going to stand there looking vaguely disappointed at a plate of food?

Moira:David, you really should cultivate other friendships. It's propitious to have a varied social circle.

David:Mom, no one uses 'propitious' in casual conversation.

Moira:Well, I just did, and it was quite propitious.

David:They're exhausted because my mother has them doing these incredibly elaborate dance numbers. She's been drilling them relentlessly.

Moira:It's called *art*, David. And if my dancers can't handle a few simple choreographic sequences, then perhaps they shouldn't be in show business.

Moira:You cannot use that font. It's too pedestrian. It screams 'I have no taste and I shop at a strip mall.' Achtung, baby!

Moira:Well, goodbye!

David:Wait, where are you going?

Moira:I'm heading this way.

David:...That's the way I'm going.

Ted:Well, actually, the Galapagos Islands are a UNESCO World Heritage Site with unique endemic species found nowhere else on Earth. They're a living laboratory of evolution, which is why Charles Darwin himself conducted his most important research there in 1835. So I would say that's a pretty good reason to go.

Ted:Look, I know it seems like a big opportunity, but I'm not going to rush into anything. Tortoises live for over 100 years, and they seem pretty happy about it. So what's the rush?

Ted:That's a dumb opportunity.

Ted:Actually, no, wait—this could change everything for the business.

Alexis:Oh my God, I was in a long-distance relationship once. With this guy who was a stunt double for a stunt double on a Netflix series that got cancelled after two episodes.

Alexis:So... Ted's really giving up his whole career for me?

David:Yes, Alexis. He's moving across the country.

Alexis:Oh my God. Well... that's... I mean, should I do something nice for him?

David:I don't know, maybe tell him you love him?

Alexis:Right, yes. Okay. Um, anyway, so I was thinking about getting a blowout tomorrow—

Alexis:I'm going to do the dishes. It's a gesture.

Alexis:I mean, I don't know if Ted even has a dishwasher. Or a sink. Or running water, for that matter.

Alexis:But I'm going to try anyway.

Alexis:Have you ever been in love?

Twyla:No, not really. I mean, I thought I was in love with Ted once, but then he started talking about soil pH levels and I realized I was just lonely.

Alexis:Well, I think in a relationship, it's all about give and take. You know, you give a little, you take a little.

Twyla:Oh, Ted's so selfless. He's staying in Schitt's Creek just for me.

Twyla:Wait... he's staying in Schitt's Creek? For me?

Alexis:Thank you so much for the advice, Twyla. You know, you're like the Canadian version of Oprah, but less famous and with better skin.

Twyla:Oh my gosh, thank you!

Alexis:I was talking about the skin thing.

Johnny:So what did you think of my material?

Bob:Well, I think you're wearing too much aftershave.

Johnny:You know, phone books used to be so thick, you couldn't even lift them with one hand.

Ronnie:Yeah, because they don't exist anymore, you old fossil.

Ronnie:It's like watching someone throw a dart at a board that isn't there.

Ronnie:You gotta commit to the bit. Don't half-ass it.

Ronnie:Like, look at Roland over there doing his little song and dance. That's half-assing it right there.

David:Mom, you can't go out at 7:15 PM. That's basically the middle of the night.

Moira:David, it's 7:15 in the evening.

David:Exactly. That's dangerous late night hours.

David:What is... what is happening right now?

Moira:I have no idea, but the production value is surprisingly high.

David:Is that a spotlight? Where did they get a spotlight?

Moira:And the costumes! David, look at the costumes!

David:I'm looking. I'm looking, and I hate it.

Moira:You deceived me. You lied to my face.

Johnny:I did, and I'm sorry.

Moira:However... the result is rather impressive. I suppose I can forgive it.

Moira:David, collaboration is like a beautiful tapestry. You can't just pull one thread without the whole thing unraveling. It's a delicate dance of give and take, a symphony of souls intertwined in the pursuit of artistic excellence.

Alexis:I'm finally ready to make the big decision and go.

Ted:That's great! Where are you thinking?

Alexis:Well, I've narrowed it down to two places: New York or Los Angeles.

Ted:Those are both great cities. Which one are you leaning towards?

Alexis:I'm thinking... Switzerland.

Ted:We really need to get some shots.

Alexis:Oh my god, yes! I love shots. What are we thinking, tequila?

Ted:I was actually referring to vaccinations.

Alexis:Oh.

Johnny:Well, Roland, you certainly have a lot of gut to go with.

Johnny:And look at Bob, pretending to get it. And we all know Gwen, he hasn't gotten it in years!

Johnny:I've been workshopping some real zingers. Very cutting edge material.

Roland:Cutting edge? Johnny, the only thing sharp about you is the starch in your sleeves.

Johnny:You know, I've been thinking about the food here. These 'rippers' — that's what we call them — they're absolutely devastating. Not in a good way. I ordered something that was supposed to be chicken. I'm still not entirely sure what it was. It had the texture of a hockey puck and the flavor profile of regret. My wife actually said it was the worst thing she's ever put in her mouth, and she's been married to me for thirty years.

Johnny:Well, maybe if your service was better, I wouldn't need four helpings.

Bob:My service? You've been coming to this restaurant for years.

Johnny:Yes, and I'm still waiting for the appetizer.

Johnny:Things going downhill fast? That's like comparing it to Roland becoming mayor.

Johnny:Like when Roland elected himself Mayor

Johnny:The last time anyone saw her this happy was at a 3-for-1 sale on cargo pants!

Johnny:It's a car-go. You know, like cargo, but it's a car. Car-go.

Bob:Yeah, I got it.

Johnny:At Bob's garage. Car-go to Bob's garage.

Johnny:I was just thinking, you know, a good bedroom setup is really important. The right lighting, the right—

Johnny:—no, no, I'm not doing this.

Moira:You didn't kill them with comedy. You suffocated them with the pillow of your personality.

Johnny:Take it easy? Alexis, you went to a school where the mascot was a participation trophy.

Johnny:David being smart enough to get the joke, but not smart enough about his fashion choices.

Moira:Well, of course he's a worthy competitor. He's competed in every business venture he's ever attempted... and lost spectacularly in each one.

Johnny:Well, David, at least I didn't name my business after myself. Oh wait, I did. But the difference is, people actually wanted to rent from Blockbuster.

David:That's rich coming from a man who opened a store in a town where people still use VCRs.

Johnny:And it's still more successful than whatever you're doing over there.

Johnny:Well, I think we've all hit a low point.

Alexis:I have a lower back tattoo.

Johnny:Yes, that's what I was referring to.

Alexis:I got it when I was like, seven.

David:Seven?

Alexis:Yeah, at this place in Cabo. The guy didn't really ask a lot of questions.

Moira:That's illegal.

Alexis:I know that now, Mother.