The Hike

Moira:As they say in French, 'c'est la vie'—which means—

David:We know what it means, Mother.

Alexis:Yeah, we went to school.

David:Why are you in my room? What did you do? What's happening?

Moira:Can't a mother bring her son breakfast in bed?

David:No. No, she cannot. Not in this family. What do you want?

Moira:I've prepared a petite patisserie breakfast for us this morning.

David:Are these the lobby pastries from the hotel?

Moira:Well, they've been unfolded in such a way that really allows their true potential to unfold.

David:You just put them on a plate.

Moira:I have a disability. I cannot fold.

David:You don't have a disability.

Moira:I do. It's from a lifetime of signing checks, not real work.

David:There's nothing in this coffee.

Moira:Well, David, the coffee is really just a vehicle for the cup. The actual coffee is an irrelevant detail.

Alexis:Well, I mean, I have been to every beach in the world, so I think I'm pretty much an expert. I got my open water certification in Cabo, and I've summered in every major coastal destination. So yeah, I'm basically a beach professional.

Alexis:I mean, I'm not going to actually use any of this stuff, but I love watching other people enjoy things.

Alexis:We could get mosquito nets. You know, romantic ones?

Ted:Mosquito nets? Well, actually, those can be quite dangerous. If there's a fire, you could get tangled in the netting and be unable to escape, leading to severe burns or smoke inhalation. Plus, if you have a medical emergency during the night, the net could impede first responders from reaching you quickly. And there's always the risk of the net catching on something and restricting your airway.

Ted:But sure, let's get some mosquito nets.

Alexis:Excuse me? I'm 32. I don't need Botox.

David:A picnic? At a rest stop? Patrick, rest stops aren't destinations, they're pit stops for people who couldn't hold it.

David:The ambiance is fluorescent lighting and the faint aroma of industrial bathroom cleaner mixed with regret.

David:And those tables are bolted down because apparently someone once tried to steal a picnic table from a rest stop, and now we all suffer the consequences.

Patrick:You're always saying you need more physical activity.

David:I only say that so you'll tell me I don't need to.

David:I just want a romantic picnic. Is that so much to ask?

Patrick:You're describing a scene from a movie. A rom-com, specifically. Where they have a blanket, and there's no bugs, and someone has somehow made pasta that stays hot in a wicker basket.

David:So?

Patrick:So, that's not real life, David.

Roland:You've got that working-man glow about you, Johnny.

Johnny:Thank you, Roland.

Roland:Yeah, it's nice. You're sweating through your shirt like a slab of ribs on a summer barbecue.

Johnny:Moira's taken half the furniture from this room to use as 'set pieces' for her community theater production.

Moira:They're not set pieces, Johnny. They're practical, functional elements that add texture and authenticity to the staging.

Johnny:Moira, you've turned the motel office into a backstage area. We have guests.

Moira:Which is exactly why the Rosebud Motel is the perfect venue. It has that authentic, dilapidated charm that says 'community theater.'

Roland:Well, at your age, a lot of things slip through your fingers. Especially your fingers.

Moira:Your father is like a bashful clam. He just clams up and won't communicate.

Johnny:Can we call your cousin? He had the same symptoms.

Roland:Oh, he did, yeah. He died.

Moira:Oh my God. Oh my God! A heart attack? At what age?

Moira:Because I have been having palpitations. Chronic palpitations. I've been meaning to see someone about it, but I've just been so busy with my vocal exercises and my skincare routine.

Moira:Do you think it's hereditary? Can you catch a heart attack?

Twyla:He taught me tarot, and one of the first readings he did for me, he predicted that someone very close to me would soon be leaving my life forever.

Twyla:Turns out he was just talking about himself.

David:Wait, so are we raising money for charity or for a new dishwasher?

Moira:Both, darling. Multi-purpose fundraising.

David:That's not how fundraising works. People need to know what they're donating towards.

Johnny:David's right. We can't just tell people the money goes to charity and then buy a dishwasher.

David:Thank you. It's called integrity. Something this family could use more of.

Twyla:I'm sensing something about your trip... Oh, I see a vision forming. You're going to have a terrible time.

Twyla:Actually, it's getting more specific. You're going to miss your flight, and then your luggage will be lost.

Twyla:Wait, it's getting worse. You'll be stuck in the airport for 14 hours, and the only food available will be a sad sandwich from 2003.

Twyla:Oh my God, now I'm seeing... you'll sit next to someone who clips their toenails. The entire flight. Both feet.

Twyla:And when you finally arrive at your destination, your hotel room will overlook a construction site. There will be jackhammering at 5 AM.

Twyla:You'll get food poisoning from the minibar nuts, and then... oh, it's so vivid now... you'll slip in the shower and pull down the curtain rod, creating a moment of such profound humiliation that a single tear will roll down your cheek as a spotlight slowly fades to black while melancholic piano music plays.

Alexis:Oh my god, is this for a party?

Twyla:No, it's for a funeral.

David:Yes, well, I have other priorities. Like my skincare routine, my sleep schedule, and a very complicated relationship with carbs.

David:I don't understand why we have to hike to have a picnic. Why can't we just have a picnic in the car? We could sit in the car, eat our food, and then drive away. That seems far more efficient.

Patrick:Because that's not a picnic, David. That's just eating in a car.

David:Well, my specific romantic fantasy involves being fed grapes by several shirtless men while random horseback riders gallop past us in slow motion. So really, your idea of a picnic is just as unrealistic as mine.

Patrick:Do you want to turn around?

David:I can't make hiking decisions without my step-counting app.

David:Oh my god, are you okay? Did you break your leg? Are you bleeding? Do you need a tourniquet? I don't know how to make a tourniquet!

David:Should we call for help? Can you move? Oh god, we're going to die out here, aren't we?

Moira:You are the most important thing in my world. Well, you and Caroline.

Johnny:Who's Caroline?

Moira:My 40-year-old wig.

Moira:I'm going to make some changes. Real changes. Starting tomorrow, I'm cutting back on everything—the shopping, the elaborate skin care regimen, the unnecessary purchases.

Johnny:That's great, Moira.

Moira:Well, except for my pills. Those are non-negotiable. And it's really your fault for not being more successful, so I don't know what you want from me.

Roland:Hospitals make me nervous. Last time I was in one, my cousin Derek died.

Roland:Different hospital, different cousin. Also named Derek.

Doctor:We're going to need to get you prepped for surgery. Code Blue, stat.

Moira:Code Blue? I'm familiar with codes. I was in a production of Blue Bloods.

David:Which backpack has the first aid kit?

Patrick:I packed the cheese preservation kit in this one.

David:Patrick, that's not a first aid kit.

Patrick:I know, but cheese emergencies are more likely than medical ones.

David:Well, this is very thoughtful. You really went all out with the provisions here.

David:I have to say though, there's not a single band-aid or antibiotic ointment in this entire bag. Which is great, because I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

Ted:What are you doing?

Alexis:Oh, nothing. Just browsing.

Alexis:Did you know that the Titanic took two hours and forty minutes to sink?

Alexis:I don't understand. Like, they're not missing. I know where they are.

Alexis:I don't know, Ted. I just feel like... confused? But also like, not confused? It's like I'm feeling something but I don't know what the feeling is.

Ted:Alexis, that's called having emotions. Most people experience them on a regular basis.

Alexis:I'm so worried about David being alone all the time.

David:I'm not alone. I have Patrick.

Alexis:Okay, but like, before Patrick?

Stevie:I can't handle the business operations of this motel on my own.

David:Why not?

Stevie:Because I'm not a businessperson. I'm a motel clerk who somehow became the manager, and now I'm expected to do everything from scheduling to finances to dealing with guests who think a motel is a five-star resort.

Doctor:Your test results look good.

Johnny:That's wonderful news. You know, this reminds me of the time I was playing golf at Pebble Beach...

Moira:Well, that's wonderful news about Johnny, but I'm afraid I have some concerns about my own health. I've been experiencing a mysterious tingling in my left eyelid, and I'm fairly certain it's either a rare neurological condition or a sign that I'm aging.

Doctor:That's just a muscle twitch, Mrs. Rose.

Moira:A twitch? How pedestrian. I was rather hoping for something more exotic. Perhaps something that would require a specialist in Switzerland?

Stevie:Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just worried about my eyelash extensions. I haven't been able to get them done in like three weeks.

David:We stopped hiking because Patrick got injured, and if Moira found out, she would literally kill me. And I don't mean that figuratively — she would actually end my life.

Patrick:David, I know we've had our ups and downs, but I can't imagine my life without you. Will you marry me?

David:Yes, of course. But first, how many carats?

Alexis:Can I get another reading?

Twyla:Sure. Oh wow, that's interesting.

Alexis:What? What is it?

Twyla:You're going to die.

Alexis:What?

Twyla:Yeah, multiple times actually.

Twyla:Oh, a golden ring! That's a sign of prosperity and good fortune coming your way.

Twyla:Wait... is that a beer stain?