Doppelgängers

April Ludgate:In 1817, only white men could vote. Now anyone can vote. Progress!

April Ludgate:In 1817, if your wife did your taxes wrong, you could burn her. Now you can't. So really, we've gone backwards.

Ben Wyatt:It's not horse-riding, it's horse-dancing.

Leslie Knope:Horse-dancing?

Ben Wyatt:Yes. Horse-dancing.

Ron Swanson:I would watch that.

April Ludgate:It's called dressage.

Ron Swanson:No, I mean I would watch the meeting if everyone was treating it like they're on horses.

Tom:I'm one of a kind. I'm like those custom shoes they make in Italy.

Tom:Except instead of being handcrafted by artisans, I was mass-produced in a factory, and instead of being worth thousands of dollars, I'm worth about forty bucks.

Jerry:Good morning, everyone! It's a beautiful day!

April:Oh God, no. Why would you say that? You've doomed us all.

Leslie:Jerry, I have your new business cards.

Jerry:Oh, great! Thanks, Leslie.

Leslie:They say 'Gerry Gergich, Parks Department.'

Jerry:It's Jerry. Jerry Gergich.

Leslie:Right, right. Well, the printer said they're non-refundable.

Jerry:My name is actually Garry. G-A-R-R-Y.

April:Oh, so it's Larry.

Tom:No, he said Gary. G-A-R-Y.

Jerry:No, Garry. With two Rs.

April:Right, Larry.

Jerry:My wife doesn't even call me Jerry anymore. She just sighs and points at things.

Leslie:That's... that's actually kind of sad, Jerry.

Jerry:My name's not even Jerry.

Leslie:Ron, you're like America's founding father, except instead of fighting the British, you're fighting the government. Which is ironic because you work for the government.

Ben:We have a system. I motivate people with positive reinforcement and careful planning.

Chris:And I fire people.

Ben:It's a good system.

Jerry:I came back because I realized I missed working here. Plus, Gayle in a bikini... let's just say it motivated me to get back in shape.

Jerry:I'm going to be a hero. A real hero. Like a fireman, but better.

Jerry:Oh, a banana! I'll just keep this in my desk for a healthy snack later.

Craig:Donna! What a beautiful name! It's so strong, so powerful! Donna could be a warrior queen, or a successful businesswoman, or a dolphin trainer!

Donna:It's just a name, Craig.

Craig:My name is Craig. It's the most boring name in the world. You know what I wish my name was? Thunderbottom. Thunderbottom Silk Mane.

Craig:I don't need a vacation. I need to be here, managing this office. Every day I come in and I give one hundred and ten percent. You know what that means? It means I'm overextended and probably gonna have a heart attack by fifty-two.

Tynnyfer:Hi, I'm Tynnyfer.

Leslie Knope:That's... an interesting spelling.

Tynnyfer:I know. I rebranded myself. I used to be Jennifer, but I added a 'Y' and two 'N's to make it more unique.

Tynnyfer:Yeah, I take pills to wake up, pills to sleep, pills to stay focused during the day. My doctor says I'm doing great.

April:Oh my gosh, you guys! This is so exciting! I am literally thrilled about everything right now! This project is going to be absolutely bonking amazing!

April:And I just want to say, you all are doing such a bonking great job. Really, truly bonking fantastic work, everyone.

April:Tynnyfer is the worst. She's stupid, she's annoying, and she has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I hate everything about her. Also, she has amazing hair and I think she's really cool and funny. But seriously, I can't stand her.

Ron Swanson:Dunne? Like the name?

Other Character:Yes, why?

Ron Swanson:Sounds like you're done.

Tom:I don't understand how these new phones work.

Ragiv:Tom, that phone came out three years ago.

Tom:Exactly. Ancient history.

Ragiv:You're wearing a Bluetooth headset from 2006.

Tom:This is vintage, Ragiv. Vintage is in.

Tom:Wait, wait, wait. You can see the shoulder pads? I thought they were subtle.

Tom:That's the whole point of shoulder pads — nobody's supposed to notice them!

Ann:Pawnee has the highest rate of spontaneous baldness in the entire country.

Ron:That doesn't sound right.

Ann:We also have an epidemic of what we call 'Pawnee Fever.' Symptoms include fever, confusion, and the inability to tell the difference between a hot dog and a calzone.

Jerry:I have that!

Ann:Yes, you do, Jerry.

Leslie:Ann, you are such a good friend, and you have really nice feet. Like, disproportionately nice feet. They're like little baby feet, but on an adult.

Ann:Leslie, we need to talk about something serious.

Leslie:Oh my god, yes. I've been thinking about waffles all morning. Do you think they're better with whipped cream or without? Because I'm leaning towards with, but I could see an argument for without.

Ann:Leslie...

Leslie:Wait, what if you did half and half? Like, whipped cream on one side, nothing on the other? Ann, this could change everything.

Leslie:Wait, did you know that penguins have knees? They do! Look it up! They're just hidden under their feathers. Isn't that incredible? I've been thinking about penguin knees all morning and I completely forgot what we were talking about.

Leslie:I totally understand. You need to do what's best for you. I get it. I support you 100%. Even though you're abandoning me. Abandoning us. After everything we've been through. After I made you my best friend. After I carved out a special place in my heart just for you. A place I can never get back. A place that will now be filled with nothing but regret and a sort of low-level resentment that will probably affect all my future relationships.

April:Oh my god, that's so great, Tynnyfer. Blah blah blah, that sounds amazing. Blah blah blah.

April:Like, oh my god, I'm like, so totally into this bonding thing. Like, literally, this is like, the best day ever. I'm like, so blessed right now. Like, I can't even.

Leslie:Friendship is like a three-legged dog — it's messy, it doesn't make sense, and someone's always getting dragged somewhere they don't want to go.

Tynnyfer:I have two kids. Well, I have two kids now. I used to have three, but I had them surgically removed and combined into two larger, more efficient children.

Leslie:Nobody can fill your shoes, Ann. With your tiny little doll feet.

Ron Swanson:I'm very fond of nuts. Macadamia nuts, Brazil nuts, walnuts... I love all kinds of nuts.

Ron Swanson:A freegan is someone who eats only food that would otherwise be discarded. They dumpster dive for their meals.

Leslie Knope:It's actually a very sustainable lifestyle.

Ron Swanson:It's disgusting. I once saw a freegan pull a half-eaten rotisserie chicken out of a dumpster behind a grocery store. He inspected it, shrugged, and took a bite.

Leslie Knope:That's... that's not typical.

Ron Swanson:He then pulled out a binder labeled 'Chicken Rankings by Dumpster' and made notes.

Ron Swanson:I wear these boots because they're practical. A man needs proper footwear for the work he does. These boots have lasted me fifteen years.

Ron Swanson:Now, I know what you're thinking — 'Ron, aren't those made of leather?' Yes. Yes they are. And I have no problem with that. A cow gave its life so I could have reliable footwear. That's the natural order.

Ron Swanson:What I won't do is wear shoes made from some endangered species. That's not about animal rights — that's about respecting the balance of nature. If you wear a shoe made from a creature that only has six left in the world, you're a fool and a communist.

Tom:Oh, I'll handle Eric. Don't worry about it.

Tom:I'm thinking... I'm really considering all the angles here... Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

Donna:I could leave him. I got options.

Leslie:Ben saw my new outfit and just said, 'That looks nice.' That looks nice? That's it?

Ben:What do you want me to say?

Leslie:I don't know, something with more energy! 'Leslie, you look absolutely stunning in that outfit. The way that color brings out your eyes is simply mesmerizing.' But no, I get 'That looks nice.'

Ben:Leslie, what is this? You've signed contracts with every vendor in the city.

Leslie:Yes. I have. Because I'm going to need them all for the Harvest Festival.

Ben:The Harvest Festival is in three weeks.

Leslie:I know. That's why I've already signed the contracts. If I waited until two weeks before, I'd be behind schedule.

Leslie:I'm going to make the most beautiful cookies with frosting made from... ketchup.

Ben:Leslie, no.

Leslie:And mayonnaise swirls!

Ben:Leslie, please stop.

Leslie:A little mustard accent for tartness.

Leslie:Mmm, these are... these are really something. The chocolate chips and the anchovies really complement each other.

Leslie:You look great today, Evelyn. I mean, you're almost as pretty as Ann.

Craig:I'm busy. I'm working on a project that connects all the dots between seemingly unrelated things.

Craig:Like, did you know that if you take the number of letters in 'Parks and Recreation,' multiply it by the average temperature in Pawnee, and divide it by the number of times I've said 'treat yo self,' you get the exact coordinates of where I buried my time capsule?

Leslie:Okay everyone, listen up! You're going to be on my team whether you like it or not. Ron, you're in charge of woodworking and scowling. April, I need you to be sarcastic and unhelpful. Tom, just... exist near me and occasionally say something about yourself. Ben, you're my deputy, which means you do exactly what I say and look concerned about budgets. And Donna? Just be Donna. Everyone clear? Great! We're going to make this work if it kills me! Which it won't, because I have a seventeen-step contingency plan!

Tynnyfer:April, you're like a skinny Mother Teresa.

April:I decided to prank Jerry by putting a 'kick me' sign on his back. But then I thought, why stop there? I could put a 'punch me' sign. Then a 'stab me' sign. Then I could actually stab him. Not fatally, just like, in the shoulder or something. Then I could go to jail, break out of jail, and stab him again.

Leslie:I have decided to declare myself Parks Director for life. All decisions will be made by me, and me alone. Anyone who disagrees will be reassigned to the gravel pit. Also, I'm making it illegal to eat lunch at your desk. Punishable by exile.

Ron:Leslie, I'm going to give you some advice. You need to treat your friendship with Ann like a government budget. You're spending money you don't have, and it's only going to end badly. Cut her loose.

Ron:Friendship is two people using each other to avoid loneliness. When it stops being mutually beneficial, one or both of you will leave. It's not personal; it's just human nature. I have three best friends and I trust none of them.

Ron Swanson:I believe that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. Except for national defense, and maybe... roads.

Leslie Knope:Ron, that's actually... kind of reasonable?

Ron Swanson:Don't sound so surprised. I have principles.

Tom:So I went to IT, right? And I told them my computer was broken. They said they'd replace it, but it would take two weeks. Two weeks! So I said, 'You know what? I'm going to fight for this. I'm going to march back to that office every single day until you give me a new computer.' And you know what happened? They gave me a new computer the next day.

Tom:I'm basically a war hero now.

Craig:My DVR is like a pregnancy. It started out as something I was excited about, but now I'm just terrified and I don't know how it's going to end.

Ben:You know, Chris, I was thinking about our time in the accounting department together.

Chris:Yeah, those were some dark days.

Ben:The darkest. I remember thinking it was because of the spreadsheets, the budget cuts, the endless reports.

Chris:Right, the work was soul-crushing.

Ben:But I just realized something. It wasn't the work that made us sad.

Chris:What do you mean?

Ben:We were lonely. We were just two guys in a room full of numbers, with no one to share it with.

Chris:Oh man. That's... actually really sad.

Chris:I'm looking for something healthy to eat. Do you have any quinoa bowls?

Jerry:We have a kale salad.

Chris:Perfect. What's in it?

Jerry:Kale, bacon, ranch dressing, and deep fried croutons.

Chris:How much bacon?

Jerry:A lot.

Chris:I'll have the burger.

Chris:It is excellent having the old band back together again. You know what? This calls for some celebratory lunges. One... two...

Leslie · Donna · Craig:I mean, your job is secure, of course. You're basically the glue of this department. / But I think Craig's gonna have to go. / No, you should keep him. He's crazy intense, but I've never met anyone who cares more about this job. / Uh, Donna, I'm right here.

Donna:No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly, if I had to choose between him and me, I'd choose him.

Donna:You know, I got the condo in Seattle, the fiancé in Denver. / Huh? / It won't last.

Leslie:What? Even Larry wants out? What the hell is happening here? Does everybody think that running a town is just some game where people can come and go as they please?

Leslie:I'll tell you what's not fair. I'm gonna have to watch the Oscars with Ben alone this year. Last year, don't you remember Angelina Jolie and the leg dress moment? He had, and I quote, 'no comment.'

Leslie:How can you not have an extreme reaction about a dress like that? It just doesn't make any sense!

Leslie:I'm sorry, Ann. I can't understand you. You've developed some accent from that new town you might move to!

Leslie:I'm just trying to stop time with legally-binding friendship contracts. What part of that do you not understand?

Leslie Knope:Basic boilerplate language, 50-year commitment, blah, blah, blah.

Ann · Leslie:I think you need a spa day, Les. / Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead! Is that better?

Ron Swanson · Eagleton Ron:What in the name of all that is holy is that smell? / Yerba matte tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural plant extract. / Shut your damn mouth. / No need to curse. / There most certainly is.

Ron Swanson:And take it personally.

Leslie · Unknown:However, I did not have yellow frosting, so I had to use mustard. But do not worry. I put tons of sugar on them, so it will even it out. / Mmm! Sugar mustard.

Eagleton Ron:That's awful kind of you, Leslie, but I'm afraid those are a little too sweet for me. I unhooked from that big sugar train over 30 years ago.

Leslie · Evelyn:So, what's your story, new Ann? You're kind of pretty. I mean, you're not 'Ann' pretty, but you have potential. / Thank you, but I-I don't work in this department. / Shut your kind of pretty mouth and, uh, eat a mustard cookie.

Leslie:Okay, so let's chit-chat, huh? Let's get to know each other and then become familiar best friends.

Craig:I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown.

Leslie · Leslie:That's so Craig. / Oh, Craig! We have fun, don't we?

Leslie:Do you guys remember when this all started and I came in here with the cookies, and then Craig said something so Craig and we all laughed, and we were like, 'Craig!'

Leslie · Unknown · Ron Swanson:Do you think it would be weird if we held hands? / Probably. / This way, please.

Leslie:Excuse me, Ron, I am talking to my best friends. / Let me go! Best friends, attack Ron!

Chris:Ben, it has been an honor watching you work today. It's been like watching Leonardo work. Da Vinci or DiCaprio. You're that good.

Ben · Chris:I know who I'm gonna use to calculate tax and tip. / Me?

April:You don't want this job. Seriously, this place is the pits. It's like, if you worked here, you'd be like, 'Ugh!' And Leslie would be like, 'Blah, blah, blah.' And you'd be like, 'Uh...'

Tynnyfer:Okay, can I say something? Right now, I totally think that you're right, and I had been thinking about going someplace warm while my husband is in jail.

April:You should totally stay at my house in Miami. / What? / I'm serious. Come by anytime. Just let yourself in. The gate kind of jams sometimes, but you can just jump it.

Tynnyfer:You are so amazing right now. You're like skinny Mother Theresa.

April:It's Dwayne Wade's house. I got his address off the Internet. I really hope he's there when she walks in and he throws a basketball at her head.

Leslie:Nice, Ron? Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically hot betrayal!

Leslie:She is my best friend! She's thinking about leaving, just like that! And she wants to 'talk to me' about it? It's like, I don't even know what to say.

Ron Swanson · Leslie:That you love her and you understand that it's her life, and geography will never change your feelings. / Whatever. I don't even need her. I've got Tynnyfer now, and Craig, and Eric, the racist drug dealer who I've yet to meet.

Ron Swanson:You can't force friendship, Leslie. It takes time. I once thought I had a friend. Then it turned out he was the single worst person I have ever met.

Eagleton Ron · Ron Swanson:I agree with Ron, Leslie. It's like Moz once said, 'Hold on to your friends.' / Morrissey. The Smiths. / You don't know Meat Is Murder? It's one of the best songs ever written about industrialized beef consumption.

Leslie:Okay, Eagleton Ron. I think it might be time for you to go. This Ron has the position pretty much locked up.

Eagleton Ron:Fair enough. I should have seen it. Taurus and Capricorns never mix, do they?

Eagleton Ron:Just remember, Ron. Giving in to hate is like drinking saltwater. The thirst only grows worse.

Ron Swanson · Eagleton Ron:Leslie, remove this man before I commit an act of violence against him. / Whatever you do, I won't fight back.

Tom:After I defeated him in an epic struggle, E.R.I.C. is gone. He's been replaced by T.O.M. — Town-wide Organizational Matrix.

Craig:No, I have a ton of work to do. Plus, my DVR is 13 months pregnant with episodes of Scandal.

Craig · Donna · Craig:Scandal's my favorite show. I love every character, except for... / Mellie. / Oh! Of course you like Scandal! Because you're amazing! I love you.

Craig · Leslie:And no matter what happens with this job, I will always love you. / Excuse me! Who even are you?

Ben · Chris:How's your salad? / Well, it's called the 'Good Earth Salad,' but really, it's just cheese, toffee, and gummy bear worms. / This town is really unhealthy.

Ben:I forgot that this part of being accounting bros was actually pretty depressing. I mean, after the intense, almost meth-like high of solving accounting puzzles, we were always just beat at the end of the day.

Ben:You'd exercise. I'd re-watch Twin Peaks, then hit the Twin Peaks message boards and read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer to find Easter Eggs I'd missed.

Chris · Ben:Something healthy! A cherry tomato. / Nope. / A gumball. / Ooh!