The Pawnee Eagleton Tip Off Classic

Leslie:Oh my god, Ben. Keep going. This is... this is really turning me on.

Ben:What? We're just talking about Eagleton's failed infrastructure initiatives.

Leslie:I know. It's so hot. More. Tell me about their wasteful spending.

Ben:Uh, their parks department is severely underfunded compared to—

Leslie:Yes! Yes! Oh god, yes!

Leslie:Did I attack Eagleton? Yes. Was I justified? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes. Should I have done it differently? Yes, but still yes.

Leslie:Ingrid is so stuck-up. She thinks she's better than everyone else.

Leslie:She went to Yale.

Leslie:She was captain of the rowing team.

Leslie:She speaks four languages.

Leslie:She's been published in The New Yorker.

Leslie:Okay, actually, she IS better than everyone else.

Ingrid:I can't eat these apples. They're covered in pesticides.

Leslie:No, no, no. I washed them myself. See? Pesticide-free.

Ingrid:You washed them in what?

Leslie:Motor oil. It cuts right through the pesticides.

Leslie Knope:So you're telling me Eagleton's oranges are worth a fortune?

Ingrid:That's right. Our oranges are superior in every way.

Leslie:I would immediately adopt an affected accent, join a country club, and spend my days judging people who shop at regular grocery stores.

Leslie:They confuse motor oil with fancy cooking oil

Leslie:See you at the game

Ben:I can't make it. I have to go polo with some hedge fund managers and then we're taking the private jet to our summer home in the Hamptons.

Ron:My father accidentally subscribed to Ebony magazine instead of some hunting and fishing publication. Best thing that ever happened to us. Very educational.

Jerry:Donna's got this incredible talent for mailing lists. She can organize any list faster than anyone I've ever seen.

Jerry:But me? I've got my own thing. I'm addicted to oven mitts with puns on them. I've got like 200 pairs at home.

Jerry:My favorite one says 'That's a Mitt!' Like, 'That's a mitt!' Get it?

Tom:Donna's at the Coffee Baru on 5th Street right now. She checked in on Yelp three minutes ago.

Tom:Based on her Twitter activity pattern, she'll be there for exactly 12 more minutes.

Tom:Then she's heading to the DMV. I can tell because she always complains about the DMV on Instagram between 2 and 2:15.

Tom:I've mapped her entire afternoon using social media. I'm basically a digital bloodhound.

Donna:I know about the tracking. I've been adding fake locations to throw you off.

Tom:What? Why would you do that?

Donna:Because it's fun watching you stress about where I am. Plus, I'm documenting everything you do too. I've got three binders.

Ben:Hey, catch!

Chris:Got it! Thanks, Susan.

Ben:You named your calculator Susan?

Chris:Well, yeah. It helps me stay organized.

Chris:I've been brushing up on my math skills. You know, for the accounting work.

Ben:That's great, Chris.

Chris:Yeah, I've been thinking of myself as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, except it's Butch Casually and the Sum-dance Kid.

Chris:Auditing is going to be AMAZING! We're gonna crush it, bro! We're gonna be lean, mean, budgeting machines! Gonna optimize every dollar, every cent, maximize efficiency across the board!

Chris:Wait, I need to rephrase that in a more inclusive way. We're going to be lean, mean, budgeting... colleagues. We're going to optimize every dollar and cent together as an inclusive team of diverse backgrounds and perspectives!

Tom:If you have to take out a second mortgage to buy breakfast cereal, you might be from Eagleton.

Tom:If your orange juice costs more than a used car, you might be from Eagleton.

Tom:If your toast is made from artisanal bread that's flown in from Belgium and costs $47 a slice, you might be from Eagleton.

Andy:We're going to Bloomington for baby supplies because Pawnee's baby store is right next to the old tire fire.

Andy:I made a playlist for the trip!

Tom:Oh no.

Andy:It's all classical music and ambient sounds. I think we should have a sophisticated road trip experience.

Ron:Andy, you once ate an entire wheel of cheese in one sitting.

Andy:That was old Andy. New Andy appreciates the finer things.

Andy:Where else would I sit?

April:The trunk.

Ingrid:I find discussing money to be terribly inappropriate. My family never spoke about finances at the dinner table.

Ingrid:Here you go.

Chris:Oh, thank you! What's this?

Ingrid:Just a little something for your trouble.

Chris:Uh... this is Monopoly money.

Ron:I'm going to get off the grid. No phone, no email, no internet.

Donna:Ron, my entire romantic life depends on social media. I need you to stay connected.

Tom:The grid is good, the grid is great, we surrender our will as of this date.

Donna:The grid is good, the grid is great, we surrender our will as of this date.

Tom:The grid is bad, the grid is wack, please everybody turn back.

Donna:The grid is bad, the grid is wack, please everybody turn back.

April:I have a sleeping bag, a cooler full of raw meat, and a binder labeled 'Things I Know About Birds.' So yes, I'm prepared.

April:Hi, I'm April Ludgate. I'm interested in majoring in assisted suicide.

College Guide:I... I'm sorry?

April:Assisted suicide. Dr. Kevorkian is my role model. Well, him and maybe a young Mussolini.

April:Why would you leave me alone with the nice college guide? You know I'm going to kill her.

Chris:Eagleton has some serious fiscal issues. Their budget is completely out of balance, their infrastructure is crumbling, and they're facing a potential downgrade in their bond rating. It's really quite dire. But you know what? I just realized something. The word 'Eagleton' kind of sounds like 'butt.' Eagleton. Butt-leton.

Ben:Eagleton's in complete financial freefall. They're going to need a massive bailout just to survive the next fiscal year.

Leslie:Oh my God. This is terrible. This is... this is actually really hot.

Ben:What?

Leslie:I'm sorry, I know people are suffering, but watching you problem-solve under pressure? It's doing things to me.

Leslie:We need to recreate the Good Will Hunting scene. You know, 'It's not your fault.' I'll be Matt Damon, you be Robin Williams.

Ben:Leslie, no. That's not happening.

Leslie:Come on! It's a beautiful scene. It's emotional, it's powerful.

Ben:I'm not sitting on a park bench while you cry at me about your childhood.

Leslie:But that's what makes it great! Please, Ben. It's not your fault.

Ben:Stop.

Leslie:It's not your fault.

Ben:Leslie...

Leslie:It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Ron:That is the most absurd thing I've ever heard. You're telling me you have no power whatsoever? You're just a cog in the machine? That's a pathetic way to live.

Andy:Wow, look at all these baby products! Oh man, this one has a NASCAR driver on it. That's so cool!

April:Of course it does. This is Pawnee.

Andy:What do you mean?

April:Every baby product in Pawnee features a NASCAR driver. Diapers, bottles, car seats... it's just what we do here.

Andy:That's actually amazing.

Andy:April? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at orientation.

April:I was, but then I saw this store and remembered I needed baby stuff.

Andy:So you just... left? That's a pretty big decision.

April:Yeah, well, I decided I didn't want to go anymore.

Andy:When?

April:Just now. In the parking lot. I realized I could either go to orientation or come here. So I came here.

Ingrid:Sorry I'm late to the budget meeting. I was at a bankruptcy announcement.

Ingrid:They had entertainment at their bankruptcy announcement.

Ingrid:Not having brunch? That's not civilized. That's barbaric.

Ben:Why are we spending $50,000 on public pool renovations? That seems excessive.

Ingrid:Well, Ben, I think of public pools as spas for poor people.

Ben:That's... that's not what a spa is, and that's definitely not what a pool is.

Ingrid:It's not a waste, it's an investment in quality programming. As HBO used to say, 'It's not TV, it's HBO.'

Ron:I don't have time to wait for eggs to cook. I'm a busy man.

Ron:So I ate them raw. Shell and all.

JJ:That's too much information.

April:This is my grandmother. Her name is Andy.

College Guide:Your grandmother?

April:Yes. She's very old.

Andy:Oh, what's up, homies? It's ya girl Grandma in the hizzouse!

April:Nobody says 'hizzouse' anymore, Andy. You're not even getting the decade right.

April:I wish you would die.

April:I want to see where people have died. Like, the oldest graves in the cemetery, and maybe some of the buildings where famous people died. Oh, and if there's a spot where someone was hit by a car, I'd like to see that too.

Leslie:As you can see from slide one, the Parks Department has made tremendous progress this year. Slide two shows our budget efficiency. And slide three... well, slide three is just a picture of Jerry with the caption 'Why.'

Jerry:What? Leslie!

Leslie:Slide four demonstrates Tom's complete lack of business acumen. Slide five is Ben looking disappointed, which honestly is his default state. And slide six shows April's customer service skills, which I've rated as 'aggressively unhelpful.'

Tom:This isn't helpful at all!

Leslie:That's the presentation, everyone. Questions?

Leslie:Look, we need to merge with Eagleton, but we can do this without losing our identity. We just need to keep our eyes on the prize and stay the course.

Leslie:I'm not saying it'll be easy. But if we play our cards right and keep our nose to the grindstone, we can have our cake and eat it too.

Leslie:Plus, I'll make sure we get someone really professional to oversee the whole thing. Like a butler, but for municipal government.

Ingrid:I'm just trying to live my truth in a post-modern, intersectional space.

Tom:Actually, I've been live-tweeting Ron's entire attempt to go off the grid. We're up to 47,000 followers.

Tom:Ron, you posted on Instagram.

Ron:I did not. I don't even know what that is.

Tom:Well, someone posted a photo of a wooden desk with the caption 'Finally got my workspace organized.'

Ron:That was not me.

Tom:Ron, it's from your account. And now I've posted about you posting. And I'm about to post about me posting about you posting. It's social media inception.

Ron:I need to lie down.

Ron Swanson:Social media is a disease that has infected our society. People voluntarily surrendering their privacy, their time, their dignity, to corporations that monetize their existence. It's the death of civilization disguised as entertainment.

Andy:That's tight!

April:You know, my grandmother used that same expression. She's 127 years old.

Chris:Why does everyone keep throwing things at me?

Leslie:It says 'Mo' Money, Mo' Problems' but it's about municipal bonds.

Ingrid:I have a PhD!

Leslie:In what?

Ingrid:Fashion.

Leslie:Ben, when two people get married, they become one person in the eyes of the law. So when you married me, you legally became me. Which means you agreed to everything I've ever agreed to, including the Eagleton boycott.

Ben:That's not how marriage works.

Leslie:Actually, I'm pretty sure it is.

Andy:What did you do?

April:I may have told your girlfriend that you cried during The Lion King.

Andy:April!

April:What? You did cry. And it was relevant to the conversation.

April:Andy would be the worst person I'd ever meet.

April:Guy Fieri exists, so that's not true.

Leslie:I can't believe you just fouled me like that! That was completely unnecessary!

Basketball Player:Yeah well, I'm the best player in this league, I'm a shooting machine, and I'm gonna take your team down, one basket at a time, baby!

Ron Swanson:I'm thinking of moving to Yucca Mountain.

Diane Lewis:Ron, that's a nuclear waste repository.

Ron Swanson:Exactly. It's remote, well-guarded, and completely isolated from society.

Diane Lewis:You know, every time something mildly inconveniences you, your solution is to move somewhere more remote. First it was that cabin, then it was Alaska, now it's literally a radioactive mountain.

Ron Swanson:Your point being?

Diane Lewis:My point is you have a problem.

Leslie:Look, I know Eagletonians are attractive. That's the problem. It's stupid that they're attractive.

Pawnee Citizen:I'm tired of bailing out Eagleton! We already paid for their new library, their parks, their schools...

Pawnee Citizen:You know what? I didn't even pay my taxes last year. I just didn't do it. Nobody caught me.

Pawnee Citizen:If we merge with Eagleton, what's next? Human-animal merger? Pretty soon I'm married to a horse!

Bertram:The people of Pawnee are... poor.

Ingrid:Pawnee is the most generous town I've ever seen. You people are so giving and selfless.

Ingrid:I mean, you're not sophisticated or educated, but your hearts are in the right place.

Zoe:This phone is ancient.

Diane:Ancient? This thing is so old, even the prop department at the movie studio said, 'We can't use that, it looks too outdated.'

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that a belt clip? Ron, no. No, that is not happening. That is a fashion emergency. You look like a divorced IT guy at a Best Buy.

Chris:I think I'm having a contraction.

Leslie:What? Oh my God, we need to get you to a hospital!

Chris:No, no, it's not that kind of contraction. I'm just realizing something about myself.

Leslie:The contamination is worse than E. coli.

Ingrid:What could be worse than E. coli?

Leslie:It's full of... apples.