London

Diane:Ron, can we talk in private?

Diane's father:Of course, sweetheart.

Ron:I think she means me.

Ron:I have the fertility of a biblical patriarch and the virility of a 1970s porn star. Condoms are a suggestion. Birth control is merely a courteous heads-up.

Ron:I'm taking Diane somewhere romantic. Perhaps in a canoe.

Ron:Most likely in a canoe.

Ron:I've already built the canoe.

Ron:I'll give you anything in the world.

Diane:Just promise me one thing: no big, elaborate proposal. I don't want any of that.

Ron:My idea of simple is literally going upstairs in the government building.

Leslie:We've been working on the most important project in Pawnee history. We're fixing a pothole on Ramsett Park Road.

Leslie:I know what you're thinking: 'Leslie, a pothole? That's not important.' But you're wrong. This pothole is a symbol of everything that's broken in our city. And when we fix it, we're not just filling asphalt. We're filling the hole in Pawnee's heart.

Diane:Is she okay? Her mouth is just... frozen like that.

Ben:That's a rictus. It's a medical term for when the facial muscles contract involuntarily.

Leslie:I'm fine! I'm great! This is just my face now.

Leslie:Ron's getting married! I'm so happy I could—

Leslie:No. Not doing this.

Leslie:I'm so happy but also so stressed. This is like a nightmare of happiness!

Leslie:Okay, we can use office supplies! Ben, look at this bouquet I made from a stapler, some file folders, and a three-hole punch!

Ben:Leslie, that's...

Leslie:Beautiful? I know! And the centerpieces can be made from highlighters and binder clips!

Leslie:We need to find champagne flutes, napkins with a monogram, and a runner for the aisle. Where would a government building keep those?

Tom:Leslie, this is a Parks Department. We have a broom closet and a lost and found that smells like sadness.

Leslie:Well, we're going to make it work. Jerry, do we have anything fancy in storage?

Jerry:We have some folding chairs from 1987 and a broken projector.

Leslie:Perfect! We'll spray paint them.

Ron Swanson:I want to get married immediately.

Justice of the Peace:Ron? Ron Swanson? Haven't I married you before?

Ron Swanson:Twice. Maybe three times.

Justice of the Peace:This is my fifth time marrying you.

Leslie:What's your full name for the license?

Diane:Diane Tammy Lewis.

Ron:Did you just say Tammy?

Ron Swanson:It's Tammy.

Multiple:[Gasps and panic from the group]

Ron Swanson:Tammy Two.

Multiple:[Collective sigh of relief]

Leslie:It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Actually, you know what? I'm just going to wing it from here.

Ron:I've decided to skip the reception. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me.

Leslie:Ron, it's your wedding reception.

Ron:Exactly. Which is why I need to get away from all these people.

Leslie:I couldn't find any rice, so I'm using quinoa instead!

Ben:Leslie, that's a hundred dollars worth of quinoa.

Leslie:It's biodegradable and gluten-free. You're welcome.

Leslie:Being reduced to a crossword answer with a brutal clue

Gretel:Remove all the slugs, but don't kill them. And make them happy.

Ben:How am I supposed to make a slug happy?

Gretel:That's not my problem. Oh, and one more thing — they have to be gone by tomorrow.

Leslie:Ann, you're like an oasis of presence in a desert of absence. Your nose is really weird though.

Ann:We spent like twenty minutes talking about slugs.

Chris:Slugs are just snails that have evolved past the need for a shell. They're like the free spirits of the mollusk world. That's beautiful.

Chris:Ann, I just realized we're out of regular coffee. We only have decaf.

Ann:Chris, you're insane.

Tom:They copied my store exactly. My exact store!

Lawyer:Well, Mr. Haverford, think of it this way. If I baked a chocolate chip cookie, and you baked the exact same chocolate chip cookie, my cookie would still be the original.

Tom:Right, right.

Lawyer:But if your cookie was better, and more people wanted your cookie, then your cookie would be the successful cookie. But it would still be a copy.

Tom:So... what you're saying is my cookie is better?

Tom:How did he even get here? Does he have a helicopter? A private jet?

Lawyer:It wasn't Vin Diesel.

Tom:Where do you think they keep all the NBA trophies? Like, in a vault somewhere?

Lawyer:I don't know, Tom. Why would I know that?

Tom:I'm just saying, if I were an NBA trophy, I'd want to be somewhere safe and climate-controlled.

Lawyer:That's... not how trophies work.

Tom:Look, I'm not saying LeBron James is stealing them. I'm just saying he has the means and the motive.

Lawyer:He doesn't have either of those things.

Tom:Well, LeBron, if you're listening, I didn't say that.

Ben:I just had a brilliant idea.

Ben:We should get lunch.

April:Leslie, you won an award.

Leslie:Oh my god, really? Wait, are you messing with me? Because if this is a prank, it's not funny.

April:No, you actually won it.

Leslie:Oh. Well then it's the best day of my life.

Ron:London? Why would you want to explore London's history? It's all just a bunch of old stuff that happened before America was great.

Ron:My ideal honeymoon would involve a well-organized itinerary, productive activities, and efficient time management. We'd wake at 5 AM, complete a full day of purposeful tasks, enjoy a light dinner at 6 PM, and retire by 8:30 PM for optimal rest and recovery.

Andy:Oh man, I just remembered this British kid called me Big Ben once. I thought it was so cool.

Andy:BONG BONG BONG BONG

Andy:Wait... do you think he was just calling me fat and British-sounding?

Andy:Look, I'm just saying, if I'm going to do a British accent, I should probably know where Britain is. And I'm pretty sure it's somewhere near Australia, right?

Andy:They both have kangaroos and... British people. It's basically the same place.

Lord Covington:When addressing a British aristocrat, one must use the proper formal title. For instance, my full title is: His Most Serene and Exalted Lordship, the Earl of Covington, Duke of Hampshire, Marquess of Wessex, Count of Surrey, Baron of Kent, Knight of the Garter, Keeper of the Royal Seal, Protector of the Northern Reaches, and Custodian of the Ancient Chalice.

Ron:Big Ben? More like Big Waste of Time. It's just a clock. I have a clock. It's called a sundial, and it's free, because the sun does the work.

Ron Swanson:I've seen the British landmarks. They're impressive, I'll give them that. But have you seen the architecture in Chicago? Now that's a city built by men who understand wood, steel, and the absence of government interference.

Ron:What do you mean you don't accept American currency? American currency is the best currency. It has eagles on it.

Ron Swanson:The British royal family? A bunch of inbred aristocrats who sit around in castles all day pretending their bloodline matters. They don't produce anything, they don't build anything, they just exist and everyone bows to them. It's the most un-American thing I've ever heard of, and I hate it.

Tom:Alright, I'm here to confront my business rival. Let's do this.

Tom:Wait... what? You guys? What are you all doing here?

Leslie:Tom, we can explain.

Tom:This is supposed to be my rival's office.

Jerry:Well, actually, we rented this space for the Parks Department event.

Tom:So my business rival is... you people?

Dr. Saperstein:Tom, I'm targeting you because you remind me of myself at your age - cocky, undisciplined, constantly making poor life choices.

Tom:That's... oddly specific, Doc.

Dr. Saperstein:Yes, well, I've been in therapy for thirty years to deal with it. So now I project my failures onto my patients.

Tom:Should you be telling me this?

Dr. Saperstein:Probably not. That'll be an extra $200.

Dr. Saperstein:Her BMW was destroyed, and we had to move her to public school.

Dr. Saperstein:The contrast between that car and her education is going to haunt me forever.

Ann:Do you hear that? That's my heartbeat.

Leslie:That's beautiful.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ann, is that a file folder in your shirt?

Ann:What? No!

Tom:Your heart is beating in triplicate.

Andy:I'm claiming the blue helicopter.

Lord Covington:But sir, there are rules posted here quite clearly.

Andy:I don't care about rules, I want that helicopter.

Lord Covington:Well then, I'm afraid I must insist. The playground regulations are quite explicit. Children under 12 only.

Andy:I'm an adult, so what?

Lord Covington:Then you cannot use the blue helicopter. A gentleman always respects the rules, even over social hierarchy.

Lord Covington:My family owns vast estates across the countryside, multiple townhouses in London, and several country clubs.

Lord Covington:Actually, I forgot to mention we also own half of Scotland and a controlling interest in the Bank of England.

Andy:Do you have ice cream in England?

Lord Covington:Do we have ice cream? Of course we have ice cream. We invented civilization.

Leslie:April, I really need your honest feedback on this speech. What do you think?

April:It's too long. Also, add more jokes about death. And replace all the words with the word 'butt.' Actually, just make the whole thing a interpretive dance. In the dark. With no music. Just screaming.

Leslie:That's... not helpful.

April:You asked for honesty.

Kathryn Pinewood:You went to Europe. That makes you European.

Perd:I have a question. If you were to hypothetically have an affair with someone, would that someone be a man? Would that someone be a woman? Or would that someone be, say, a man, but you're a woman, but in a different way?

Perd:You know what, I'm not even sure what I'm asking anymore.

Jean-Ralphio:I told Tom I was a professional snowboarder. Then I said I won the X-Games twice. Then I said I invented a new snowboarding move called the Jean-Ralphio 720 Spin Kick. Then I said that move is now in the Winter Olympics. Then I said I'm the all-time medal leader in Winter Olympics history. Then I said the Winter Olympics renamed themselves the Jean-Ralphio Games. Then I said I'm actually the Winter Olympics.

Leslie:They filled it with vegetables instead of candy. As if beating a piñata of my face wasn't humiliating enough, they had to make it educational.

Lord Covington:I found a Fabergé egg, three Louis XVI chairs, and my great-uncle Reginald. Turns out he'd been missing since 1987.

Ben:So you're offering me the job?

Eddie:What? No. I'm offering it to Andy.

Ben:But... I have an MBA, I've worked in government, I have a proven track record of—

Eddie:Yeah, yeah. But Andy's more fun at parties.

Ben:I assume you want me to stay and help you with all this.

Lord Covington:Actually, I'd prefer if Andy stayed. His childlike enthusiasm is far more refreshing than your constant need to optimize and organize everything.

Ben:That reindeer was amazing at the party!

Leslie:I know, right? So graceful, so magical...

Ron:We ate him.

Leslie:You know what? Pawnee is a terrible town with terrible people and I'm done pretending otherwise.

Leslie:And the worst part is... you're all a bunch of idiots.

Leslie:And that is why Pawnee, Indiana is the greatest town in the world. We have the most beautiful parks, the most hardworking citizens, and the most... poopy... heads in any neighboring town.

Donna:I know things about all of you. I know Tom's favorite position is spooning, but only if he's the big spoon. I know he cries after.

Tom:Okay, why would you say that out loud?

Jerry:They're like little animals, rooting around for milk. It's actually kind of disturbing when you think about it.

Andy:I went to Piccadilly Circus expecting an actual circus with acrobats and clowns. Instead it's just a traffic circle with a statue of Eros. I was so disappointed.

Andy:But then I marveled at how let down I was.

April:You marveled at it?

Andy:Yeah, I marveled at it. Why, is that weird?

April:No, it's just... you can't marvel at something being disappointing.

Andy:Why not? I marvel at lots of things. I marveled at a sandwich the other day.

April:Okay, you need to stop using that word.

April:You once spent $300 on a shoe that was just a shoe. Not a special shoe. Just a regular shoe.

Leslie:I'm fine, I'm fine. I just took some Ambien and I'm a little jet-lagged, so I might be hallucinating slightly, but I'm good.

Leslie:Wait, why is Ben made of corn?

Jean-Ralphio:I didn't lie to my father. I told him I was gonna be something great, and I am great. I'm doing great things. I'm a business man, I'm an entrepreneur, I'm very smart.

Jean-Ralphio:Yo, yo, yo! Why you gotta be all serious like that? Life's too short to not have fun, bro!

Jean-Ralphio:You're like a... a sad little potato!

April:That's a lump sum.

Leslie:What?

April:A lump sum. It's a cartoon character. He fights crime at night.

Chris:I prefer names based on how healthy they sound. Like, 'Sebastian' sounds very healthy. 'Broccoli' sounds healthy too, but I don't think we can name our kid that.

April:Dear Leslie, You are the most wonderful person I know. You have changed my life in ways I never thought possible. You are my best friend and I love you. With all my heart, April Ludgate. P.S. Just kidding, you suck.

Ron:I don't understand why we're standing by this lake reading poetry. Poetry is a waste of paper. And Scotland is a waste of geography.

Ron:The only romantic thing I need is a good scotch and a woman who doesn't ask me how I'm feeling. This poem is fourteen lines too long.

Leslie:Oh my god, you look so hot in that wig. We should roleplay. You're a British barrister and I'm an American woman who needs legal advice.

Leslie:Actually, no. Forget I said that. That's weird.

Andy Dwyer:Is that a goose that just flew by the window? / Oh, it's a plastic bag. Did you see that?

Lord Covington:I meant Andy. I want Andy to stay.

Leslie Knope:Well, Pawnee, Indiana, is a wonderful town, and I love it. But they hate me, and they're trying to kick me out of office. One time, they made a piñata of my face. And then, everybody in the town came and took turns hitting it with a stick. And they filled it with broccoli just to add insult to injury.

Leslie Knope:Pawnee is filled with a bunch of peepee-heads.

Leslie Knope:I'm sorry I said peepee-heads.

Ben Wyatt:That's my boss.

Ron Swanson:Even if that air is filled with the foul stench of European socialism.

Donna Meagle · Chris Traeger · Ann Perkins:When did you make the switch to boxer briefs? / Yesterday. / Okay, please stop looking at him.

Leslie Knope:Well, April does that all the time. She nominated Ann for Motocross Driver of the Year Award, just so she could get a rejection letter.

Jerry Gergich · Chris Traeger:Before my kids, I looked a lot like you, Chris. / I am very sad. Please stop talking.

Leslie Knope:This is London, Ron. There's a pub over there, there's a pub over there, there's a pub between those two butcher shops.

Jerry Gergich:Because they are rooting around for that nipple. / Give it to me. I want milk.

April Ludgate · Andy Dwyer:Like how they drive on the other side of the road? / Do they? / I'll be damned.

Andy Dwyer:Or, like, the Piccadilly Circus we went to? Not even a circus. There's no elephants. There is no cotton candies. No clowns. One bearded lady. She got all rude when I marveled at her.

Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:The Piccadilly Circus we went to? Not even a circus. There's no elephants. There is no cotton candies. / No clowns. / One bearded lady. She got all rude when I marveled at her.

Andy Dwyer:Remote control helicopters, talks funny. Total package.

April Ludgate · Andy Dwyer:You shined shoes for over two years and never made a profit. / Come on. You can hack this.

April Ludgate:But to replace you, I am going to have to build a scarecrow replica of you and take it to the movies. Seems like the only logical solution.

Jean-Ralphio:Tom. Lawyer guy. Daddy.

Jean-Ralphio · Dr. Saperstein:Daddy. Daddy. Come on. I lie to you all the time. All those math camps I said I went to? I don't even know what a math camp is. / So, all those postcards that you sent me, all those trophies that you'd won... / Trophies I bought.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:I have done nothing wrong. Ever, in my life. I know this.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Tell me you love us, and then, admit this guy looks like Beaker from the Muppets.

Dr. Saperstein · Jean-Ralphio · Mona-Lisa:These two have been huge disappointments to me. / Come on. You love us. / Tell me you love us, and then, admit this guy looks like Beaker from the Muppets. / Dad. / But seriously, what are we doing here? / What are we doing here, Dad? / Why are we here?

Dr. Saperstein · Jean-Ralphio · Mona-Lisa:Blow me a kiss. / Muah. Muah. / Caught it. I love you, Daddy! / I love you, Daddy! / I love you, too.

Ben Wyatt · April Ludgate:Hey, are you gonna be okay with Andy gone? / Yeah, it will be fine. / Are you gonna be okay with Ben still here? / April. / What? I don't trust him. I never have. He's after your money.

Gretel (constituent) · Leslie Knope:I didn't want all the slugs gone. / I wanted most of them gone. / So sorry. Well, we'll put one slug back.

Unknown (office) · Ben Wyatt:These were a gift from your British friend, Lord Edgar Covington. He was very impressed with you two. He sounded rich on the phone. I think he was calling me from a helicopter. / Could be. He owns two.

April Ludgate · Ben Wyatt:Eddie? / Uh-oh. SpaghettiOs... / Oh, don't worry. I'm sure he'll adjust. / No. I named that dog 'SpaghettiOs,' and he just pooped in your briefcase.

April Ludgate · Ben Wyatt:Come on, Sugarbutt. / Oh. Which one's Sugarbutt? / That's you. Come on. We've got a board meeting. Sugarbutt.

Ben Wyatt:Wildly inappropriate.

Tom Haverford:I thought I was a better-looking version of Zuckerberg. It turns out I'm the better-looking version of the Winklevoss twins.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom Haverford:First of all, unbelievable analogy. / Second of all, what are you talking about, man? / When Babyface was your age, he hadn't even signed Toni Braxton yet. Let alone Usher.

Jean-Ralphio:Either my best friend emerges triumphant, or my dad beats you and I get all that money when he dies.

Chris Traeger · Ann Perkins:You know what I just read? That right now, our baby is the size of a green olive. Isn't that wild? / It is. A green olive. / A little high in sodium.

Ann Perkins:Every time Jerry looks at me, he's thinking about the milk in my boobs.

Ann Perkins · Chris Traeger:You know, Olive is kind of a cute name. If it's a girl. / I prefer Chick Pea. / Because it's lower in sodium? / Yes, exactly.

Ron Swanson:I feel like you're getting sad about how stupid and lame people are. And that is my job, not yours.

Ron Swanson:But if you hug me afterwards, I swear to God, I'll scream and pull my hair out and maybe punch you in the face.

Ron Swanson:Sincerely, Satan.

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:You're getting hugged right now. / No. I told you not to. / I'm giving you a hug. / No. Stay away. No.

Ron Swanson:All my life, I have avoided Europe and its multitudes of terribleness. But it turns out, much to my surprise, there is actually one place in Europe that is worth seeing.

Ron Swanson:These tiny islands off the coast of Scotland, where God's chosen elixirs are distilled, barreled, and prepared for consumption. This is worth the trip.

Ron Swanson:I don't know what she thought I'd get out of that. [after reading Burns poem aloud]

Leslie Knope:Fine, Mongolia sounds terrifying. But the world is a very big place, and I've seen very little of it. Maybe we should travel more, expand our horizons.

Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:I got you something in London. A traditional barrister's wig. / Oh. / Wear it for me. / Yeah? / Mmm-hmm. / All right. [puts it on] / What's up? / No. Not sexy. / Failed experiment. Take it off.