Life Is A Cabaret

David:Is this what marriage is? A domestic scene of us together?

Patrick:No, I just didn't want the potato salad to get warm.

Patrick:I love you. I love your ambition, your integrity, your sense of humor. I love how you see the world.

David:Well, you could have lied.

David:Well, thank you. Although I have to say, the lighting in these photos is doing me no favors. My skin looks absolutely ashen, my eyes are sunken, and I appear to have developed jowls since this morning. Also, is that a double chin? I don't have a double chin. Why do I have a double chin in this photo?

David:I could just tell a few people after the show.

David:Or, I could have an emotional breakdown on stage, and then give a 40-minute speech about my journey, and how I've overcome so much. And everyone in the audience would be crying. And then I'd take a bow, and the applause would be deafening.

David:And then maybe they'd name the theater after me.

David:I don't think about you like that.

Patrick:You just described seventeen different scenarios.

Patrick:Break a leg!

David:It's 'merde.' We're not savages.

Johnny:I wanted to give you something to take with you on your travels. Something to remind you of home.

Alexis:Aw, Dad, that's so sweet.

Johnny:It's a picture frame. A very heavy, solid mahogany picture frame.

Alexis:It's beautiful, but... how am I supposed to travel with this?

Johnny:Well, you put a picture in it.

Moira:Break a leg! It's a theater tradition.

Town Council Member:Oh, we will. We've got enough crutches for everyone.

Moira:So Ted is leaving tonight, and Alexis is leaving in a week. That's quite the romantic timeline you've orchestrated.

Moira:One week to squeeze in what I can only assume will be an emotionally exhausting series of goodbyes.

Moira:Alexis, I have some extraordinary news. I've been offered a role in a production of The Crows Have Eyes 3.

Alexis:That's great, Mom. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of going to Iceland next month.

Moira:Iceland? Alexis, this is a tremendous opportunity. They're flying me to Bulgaria for a two-week shoot.

Alexis:Oh, that's cool. I was actually looking at flights for like, mid-month.

Moira:This is a working film set, darling. I'll be in full prosthetics. I'm playing a mutated crow.

Alexis:That sounds really fun. Do you think the Blue Lagoon is actually blue?

Moira:Well, if you had planned ahead like a responsible adult, we wouldn't be in this predicament. This is entirely your fault for not anticipating my needs.

Alexis:I just think it's really important to travel and find yourself, you know? Like, I went to Bali and I was like, 'Wow, this is transformative.' And then I went to Morocco and I was like, 'Okay, I'm definitely finding myself here.' But honestly, I think I've just been finding myself in every country's airport duty-free shop.

Johnny:Family moment! Everyone in the living room, David's away.

Moira:Oh wonderful, finally we can breathe.

Johnny:What do you mean? David doesn't create a heavy energy.

Alexis:Dad, he kind of does.

Stevie:Yeah, it's like a weight lifts when he leaves.

Johnny:Well, that's... that's ridiculous. David is perfectly pleasant.

Moira:Darling, the boy has the energy of a funeral home.

Johnny:You know what? Fine. Maybe David does create a certain... heaviness. But it's a sophisticated heaviness.

Moira:Hello? Yes, this is she. Mm-hmm. No, I'm afraid that won't work with my schedule. I have a very full day ahead of me. Well, if you could just have your people call my people...

Moira:What? Oh, that was my mother calling about bridge night.

Moira:Yes, hello. I'm afraid my assistant Savoir Faire is currently unavailable.

Moira:No, she's not in the office at the moment. She's attending to some very important matters.

Moira:Perhaps I can take a message and have her call you back when she's finished with her... errands.

David:I have the courage to tell you that outfit is absolutely dreadful.

David:My happiness comes from Oprah news.

David:She wore a shoe. It was tan.

Alexis:Come on, David. You have to tell me. What's the gossip?

David:There is no gossip, Alexis.

Alexis:David, please. I'm dying here.

David:Fine. Patrick and I are getting married.

Alexis:Oh my God!

Alexis:Oh my God, David's getting married? That's... that's amazing!

Alexis:I'm so happy I could just... *hyperventilates* ...I need to sit down.

Alexis:*fans self* Is it hot in here? Why am I crying? I'm crying happy tears!

David:Are you okay?

Alexis:Yeah, I'm fine. I just... I don't know, I'm being weird.

Roland:Listen, she's got kind of a resting bitch face, very standoffish. She's not much of a talker, kind of likes to keep to herself. She's got that whole dead-inside look going on, you know? Very unpleasant personality. Kind of hostile. But yeah, she's usually around here somewhere.

Roland:You know what you need? Extreme force. That's what I do when I get stage fright.

Roland:I just push through it. Knock some people over, break some things, really assert yourself.

Roland:We're gonna need a DNA sample. Hair, saliva, fingernail clippings.

David:She's been missing for twenty minutes.

Roland:That's what they want you to think. By the time we get the lab results back, she could be in three provinces.

Johnny:So David, when are you going to tell us about you and Stevie?

Moira:Yes, darling, we're dying to know. Are you two becoming serious?

David:I don't know what you're talking about.

Alexis:Oh my God, David, just tell them. Everyone knows.

David:Fine. We're engaged.

Roland:Her budget planning credentials come from a funeral.

David:I'm getting engaged, and you're making this about your show. Do you understand how self-centered that is?

Moira:I'm sorry, you're right. Congratulations on your engagement.

David:Thank you. Now, can we please not talk about it anymore? I'd like to keep this private and focus on my relationship with Patrick without any outside commentary or interference.

Moira:This is a catastrophe of biblical proportions. I have a pimple, David's store is hemorrhaging money, and I'm fairly certain the WiFi password has been compromised.

Stevie:Oh good, we're back to normal.

Ray:Congratulations, Mister and Mister.

Ray:Or should I say... Misters? Mister Squared?

Stevie:I was in the parking lot earlier.

Moira:Oh, I'm just here to be supportive of Stevie. You know how I am—always putting others first.

David:Mom, you're literally wearing her name tag.

Moira:Well, it was just sitting there.

David:Stevie, I know you're upset about the engagement.

Stevie:I'm not upset about the engagement. I'm upset that you didn't tell me before you told everyone else, and now I have to pretend to be surprised when people tell me, which is exhausting because I'm a bad actress.

Stevie:That is a lot of sequins.

Stevie:That is... a lot of fringe.

David:That's a great costume.

Stevie:Thanks. You know, it's important to remember that you're married now, so you can't just go around complimenting women's costumes.

David:I'm complimenting your costume.

Stevie:Yeah, well, your wife might not see it that way.

Moira:Stevie, I have been standing in this position for so long, I'm beginning to feel like a decorative object in the lobby of a Marriott.

Patrick:Wait, you didn't tell your family? We're engaged!

David:Of course I told them.

Patrick:When?

David:I... I thought I did.

Patrick:David, your father didn't know we were engaged.

Moira:Stevie, you are a bright, capable, and genuinely talented person. And I think you have no idea how much potential you have. So stop underestimating yourself, because the rest of us certainly aren't.

Johnny:That was wonderful. Really wonderful. I'm so proud of you.

David:Thank you, Dad.

Johnny:I was talking about the lighting design.

Johnny:I just meant... well, you've always been so resourceful despite your, uh... limitations.

Alexis:Limitations? Dad, I literally just told you I got promoted.

Johnny:Yes, yes, which is wonderful! I'm just saying it's impressive given that you're... you know, you.

Alexis:Given that I'm me?

Johnny:A person! A capable person who has done this thing. Successfully.

Alexis:Well, Galá-bye-agos!

Alexis:Ted's leaving for the Galapagos islands.

David:Galapagos? More like gotta-go-gos.

David:I have an announcement to make.

David:I'm engaged.

David:And I would appreciate it if I could be the one to tell people that I'm engaged!

David:I should be making this announcement!

Alexis:David, just say it! I don't care anymore!

Moira:They've cancelled the Crows movie! CANCELLED! Do you know what this means? I've already picked out my dress for the premiere. I've already mentally prepared my acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress. I was going to cry. Beautifully. With impeccable makeup.

David:Well, I think what we should focus on is that we're still here, we're still together, and that's what really matters.

David:So, who wants cake?

Ted · Alexis · Stevie:Well, you dazzled tonight, sweetheart. Thank you. / Oh, sorry, I don't know why I thought you were talking to me.

Alexis · Ted:'I can't wait to sip piña coladas with you.' / 'Again, it's not really that kind of place, but yes.'

Alexis:'It's time for Ted to... Galapa-go now.'

David:'Jocelyn, I'm the one on the chair!'

David:'Now, two years ago, I went to fill out some paperwork for a business license, and little did I know, that I would end up meeting the love of my... God!'

Moira:'Oh, it is me. Um, I'm sorry, David. Sorry, it's most likely press. I already know your engagement news.'

Johnny:'So wait a minute, he's marrying you?'

David:'Okay, this shouldn't be so hard!'

Johnny:'If it's a bad review, Moira, I wouldn't trust local critics.'

Moira · David · Johnny:'Nothing to see here, people. The party's over.' / 'Okay. Yeah, you can leave your champagne flutes. Unless we still wanna do a toast?' / 'No.' / 'Oh, no? Okay. Everyone leave the champagne flutes, thank you.'