The Kiss Hello

Jerry:But the moment that same hair leaves the head, it becomes disgusting

Jerry:I mean, what is this? What am I, a human Lint Roller? I'm finding hair everywhere. In my food, in my bed, in places hair shouldn't even be able to reach. It's like I'm shedding. I'm not a Golden Retriever!

Jerry:You know what I hate? When someone has a hair in their food and they act like they just discovered a dead body. 'Oh my God! A HAIR!' Like it's the worst thing that could possibly happen. 'There's a HAIR in my soup!' Yes, and? It came from a human. We're made of hair. We shed hair constantly. You probably have hair on you right now that fell out three weeks ago. But the moment it lands in your linguine, suddenly you're acting like it's a plague of locusts. 'I can't eat this! There's a HAIR!' Lady, you have sixty thousand hairs on your head. You're not going to miss one.

Jerry:You know what I was thinking about? Spain. What's the deal with Spain? They've got the right idea over there - they take a nap in the middle of the day. A nap! In the middle of the workday! And nobody thinks it's weird. You try that here, you're lazy. You try that in Spain, you're 'embracing the siesta.' It's the same thing! It's sleep! But somehow when you're European and you call it something fancy, suddenly you're cultured.

Jerry:You know what I don't understand? Why flamenco has to be so serious. It's just dancing, right? But people treat it like it's this whole thing.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm saying, why can't you just casually go to a flamenco? Like you'd go to a movie?

George:You can't say that.

Jerry:Why not? 'Hey, you wanna catch a flamenco?' See, that sounds weird.

George:Because flamenco isn't a thing you do on a date! A movie is a thing. A dinner is a thing. Flamenco... flamenco is an art form, Jerry.

Jerry:So what? So is a play. 'You wanna catch a play?' That works.

George:A play is a noun! When you say 'catch a play,' play is the noun. Flamenco... flamenco is a verb. You flamenco, you don't catch a flamenco.

George:You know, I've been thinking about this flamenco thing. It's all about the passion, the intensity, the raw emotion. That's what women want.

George:So I'm going to approach dating like flamenco. I'm going to stomp around, make a lot of noise, and hope someone notices me.

Jerry:George, that's not dating. That's a cry for help.

George:No, no, no. See, you're not thinking big picture. The flamenco dancer doesn't worry about technique or finesse. He just goes out there and does his thing.

George:That's my new philosophy. From now on, I'm a dating flamenco dancer.

Jerry:You know, George, I think flamenco is perfect for you. It's all about passion and intensity and... well, actually no, it's nothing like you at all.

Jerry:But the Spanish, they invented it to express centuries of pride and suffering. You invented the art of looking uncomfortable at a dinner party.

Jerry:I have to go visit my grandmother.

Jerry:You know what the problem is? I can never open the ketchup bottle. I'm there, I'm trying to open the ketchup, and she's watching me struggle. She just stands there and watches me. Finally, I get it open, and she says, 'You know, your grandfather could open a ketchup bottle.'

George:Why do they make these ketchup bottles so hard to open? You need a degree in engineering. I'm telling you, they should make them with a pull-tab, like a soda can.

Jerry:A pull-tab on a ketchup bottle?

George:Why not? It works for soda. You pull it, the ketchup comes right out. Smooth, efficient.

Jerry:George, ketchup would go everywhere.

George:So would soda if you weren't careful. But you are careful. People are careful.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about condiments. There's really only two types of people in this world: those who squeeze, and those who don't.

Jerry:I'm a squeezer. I like to maintain control. With a squeeze bottle, you've got precision, you've got artistry.

Jerry:But some people, they just... they upend the bottle. They let gravity do the work. No finesse. No technique.

Jerry:You know what I hate? The kiss hello. One time, one time I kissed someone hello at a party, and now I'm obligated. Every time I see them, it's expected. It's like I've signed some sort of contract.

Jerry:And the worst part? I don't even remember whose birthday it was. I just did it to be nice. Now I'm trapped in this cycle of obligatory kissing.

Elaine:I'm trying to cut back on the kiss hellos. It's like I'm weaning myself off them.

Jerry:What do you mean you're weaning yourself off them?

Elaine:Well, I used to do two on each side, now I'm down to one. Next week, maybe just a handshake.

George:You know, Elaine, you look really nice today.

Elaine:George, that's sweet, but let's be honest - you never compliment anyone. You're just trying to soften me up for something.

George:No, I'm serious. You really do look nice.

Elaine:George, the last time you complimented someone was 1987. And that was because you wanted to borrow their car.

Elaine:You have really good hearing.

George:Thanks!

Elaine:No, I mean for someone your age.

George:So you're a physical therapist? My back has been killing me. Can you take a look at it?

Wendy:George, we're on a date.

George:I know, I know. But while we're here, just tell me — is it my posture? Because I've been meaning to ask a professional.

Wendy:You should try heat and ice. That's what the professionals recommend.

George:Heat and ice? That's too much work. I'm not a professional athlete. I'm a professional liar.

George:What do you want from me? I'm a professional! Professionals have money! They don't bother people! They don't call people up and ask them out! That's not professional! You know what a professional does? A professional minds his own business! A professional doesn't go around bothering people with his problems!

Jerry:Why do we do this kiss hello thing? It's so awkward. I feel like I should be able to just... opt out. Like I'm signing up for a program I don't want to be part of anymore.

Jerry:I should be able to say, 'No, I'm discontinuing the kiss hello program. Effective immediately, we're back to handshakes.'

Jerry:But then people get offended. 'What? You don't want to kiss me hello anymore?' Yes! That's exactly what I'm saying!

Jerry:I'm not doing the kiss hello anymore. It's gone too far. It used to be you'd see someone, you'd shake their hand. Then it became a kiss on the cheek. Now it's a kiss on each cheek. Pretty soon you're going to have to make a full rotation just to say hello to somebody.

Jerry:And another thing — I don't know where these lips have been. I'm not putting my face on that.

Jerry:I'm not a big kisser, you know? I don't like it. I think it's unsanitary.

Jerry:I mean, you don't know where that mouth has been.

Jerry:I'm also against handshaking, but I'm picking my battles.

Jerry:Her hair looks like a yearbook photo from 1987.

Elaine:Kramer, what do you think of Wendy's hair?

Kramer:It's nice.

Elaine:Just nice? Come on, be honest.

Kramer:Well, if you want my honest opinion, it's a little much.

Elaine:See? That's what I'm talking about. You just tell it like it is.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about something. What if we organized the building? Like a society. We could have a directory - you know, with everyone's name, apartment number, maybe a little photo.

Jerry:A directory? Kramer, why would anyone want that?

Kramer:Well, think about it. You'd know who lives where. You could stop by, say hello. It'd be like a little community.

Jerry:Kramer, nobody wants strangers showing up at their apartment.

Kramer:They wouldn't be strangers - they'd be neighbors! We'd all know each other. We could have meetings, potlucks... It'd be utopia, Jerry. Pure utopia.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about something. I'm gonna start being friendly to people, you know? Say hello, smile, make eye contact.

Jerry:That's nice.

Kramer:Yeah, I think it's gonna really improve my life.

Jerry:Well, good luck with that.

Kramer:What about you? You gonna try it?

Jerry:No. I like being antisocial. It's worked out pretty well for me.

Jerry:So you're just gonna go up and comment on her hair?

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, I'll say something.

Kramer:Whoa! What's with all the makeup?

Jerry:Yeah, that's a great idea. What could possibly go wrong?

Jerry:What are you doing here?

Uncle Leo:I heard you were having trouble with a ketchup bottle. I'm an expert!

Jerry:I don't need your help, I can open it myself.

Uncle Leo:Oh no no no, you're doing it all wrong. Here, let me show you.

Jerry:Get your hands off! I had it!

Uncle Leo:You're gonna break the bottle, you maniac!

Jerry:Why don't you just sit down!

Uncle Leo:Give me the bottle! GIVE ME THE BOTTLE!

Jerry:No! Back off!

Nana:Why don't you call Buddy? He was always sweet on you.

George:Nana, Buddy's been dead for twenty years.

Nana:So? Give him a call anyway.

Uncle Leo:Your father's been dead for thirty years!

Uncle Leo:What debt? I don't know what you're talking about. That was 1941!

Uncle Leo:You can't expect me to remember something from fifty years ago.

Jerry:What are you doing with that pen?

Kramer:I'm writing my will.

Jerry:Your will?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm leaving you my TV Guide collection.

Kramer:If everybody knew everybody's names, there wouldn't be any crime. Nobody commits a crime against someone they know.

Jerry:Kramer, you're robbing me of my privacy right now.

Frank:Fifty dollars in 1941? Do you know what that is today? With compound interest, that's gotta be... let me see here... carrying the one... that's gotta be at least $47,000!

Frank:And the penalties! The late fees! Uncle Leo owes us a fortune!

Frank Costanza:You know, I've been thinking about that fifty dollars your father borrowed from me back in 1952.

George Costanza:What? Dad borrowed money from you?

Frank Costanza:That's right. Fifty bucks. With interest, that comes to about twelve thousand dollars.

George Costanza:Twelve thousand dollars?!

Frank Costanza:Compound interest, George. It's the eighth wonder of the world. People don't understand it. This is a serious debt. I'm thinking about taking legal action.

Jerry:Why do we have to kiss hello? Now every time I see someone, it's like we're starting a relationship.

Elaine:So what, you just want to shake hands?

Jerry:A handshake is fine. It's simple, it's clean.

Elaine:Well what if I want to come over and we just go straight to making out?

Jerry:Elaine!

Elaine:What? You said a kiss hello is too much. So I'm suggesting we skip the hello entirely and just make out for forty-five minutes.

Jerry:That's not what I meant.

Elaine:Then after that, we can discuss current events.

Jerry:What? That's ridiculous!

Elaine:What's ridiculous? You just said something completely insane!

Jerry:I did not!

Kramer:Whoa, whoa, whoa... that's a great looking haircut! Really, really great. Who cuts your hair?

Kramer:What are you talking about? Her hair is beautiful!

Jerry:Kramer, it looks like a dead animal on her head.

Kramer:So? That doesn't make it any less beautiful. I like it. I think it's got a nice... texture to it.

Wendy:Is there anything wrong with Kramer?

Elaine:...No.

George:You know, I'm a delicate genius. I need advance notice for these things.

Physical Therapist:Mr. Costanza, you can't just cancel whenever you want.

George:A delicate genius! That's what I am. You can't just spring these appointments on me.

George:Oh, I'll be there. I wouldn't want to violate the sacred appointment policy.

George:Heaven forbid I should be one of those inconsiderate people who cancels.

Jerry:Wait, who is this?

Kramer:That's Mary.

Jerry:Oh yeah, Mary.

Kramer:Oh, this is gonna be great! I'm telling you, Jerry, the coffee table book about coffee tables is perfect for Mary. She'll love it!

Jerry:Kramer, that makes no sense.

Kramer:What are you talking about? It's genius! A coffee table book about coffee tables. You put it on the coffee table, you drink your coffee, you look at pictures of coffee tables. It's the perfect gift!

Jerry:...and this works for you?

Kramer:Like a charm!

Jerry:Yeah, this is great. I'm like a European. Next thing you know, I'll be wearing a beret and smoking cigarettes.

Jerry:My father, he's not interested in me anymore. He's got his new friend Leo. They're like an old married couple. My mother's jealous. She's like, 'Oh, Leo this, Leo that.' I said, 'Ma, what do you care? You've got Dad.' She said, 'Yeah, but he's got Leo!' I said, 'Ma, they're just friends.' She said, 'Yeah, well, Leo's got a nice tan.'

Jerry:I have to interact with everyone. I'm like a game show host - I have to kiss everybody.

Jerry:What are you doing with all these pictures of me?

Kramer:I'm gonna send them out, you know, like a Christmas card.

Jerry:A Christmas card? Kramer, nobody wants pictures of me.

Kramer:Sure they do. I'm gonna put them on my desk at work.

Jerry:On your desk? Why would you do that?

Kramer:So people know who I am.

Jerry:They already know who you are, Kramer. You work with them.

Jerry:I don't want another family. I've got enough problems with the one I have. My mother calls me every day. My father yells at me about nothing. My brother's in jail. Well, he's not in jail, but he might as well be. He lives in his parents' basement.

George:You know, I have to cancel my appointment.

Receptionist:Oh, is everything alright?

George:No, no, I'm fine. But I need 24 hours notice, or I'm going to have to charge you.

Receptionist:What? You can't charge us.

George:Well, that's your policy. You charge me if I don't give 24 hours notice. I'm just applying it to you.

Wendy:I can't drive you to your door.

Kramer:Why not? I drove you 120 miles!

Wendy:Yeah, but you're not dropping me at my door.

Kramer:She's like a hitchhiker. You pick her up, drive her around, then you let her out on the side of the road.

Kramer:It's like hitchhiking, you know? You get in the car, the guy's going your way, he drops you off at a place that wasn't on your schedule. You didn't expect it, but after a while you say, 'Hey, this is pretty good.'

Jerry:Yeah, but what if the guy's got a bad toupee? I mean, I'm not getting in the car.

Jerry:Effective immediately, I'm instituting a new policy. No more kiss hello. It's confusing, it's unsanitary, and frankly, I don't know where your lips have been.

Jerry:Hey, why is there no hot water in my apartment?

Jack:You want hot water? You gotta ask nice. You gotta be respectful. I'm the super, you're the tenant. There's a hierarchy here.

Jerry:Jack, please, I really need hot water.

Jack:That's better. But I still don't feel the respect. You know what? I'm gonna take a shower in your apartment with all the hot water I want. And you're gonna stand there and watch.

George:She went skiing? Skiing?! While people are suffering, dying, and she's out there schussing down a mountain?

George:This is unconscionable. This is a betrayal of the medical profession.

George:Your hair looks great, by the way.

Elaine:What? I thought you were going to tell me it looked terrible.

George:I was, but then I got nervous.

Buddy:Oh yeah, Uncle Leo! I remember him from when we were kids. That guy was always stealing bottles.

Jerry:Uncle Leo, I have something to tell you. Buddy saw the whole thing.

Uncle Leo:What are you talking about?

Jerry:The marble rye incident. Buddy was there. He saw you take it.

Uncle Leo:I didn't take anything!

Jerry:Buddy doesn't lie, Uncle Leo. He saw you do it.

Mary:You know, Jerry, a hello kiss is a common greeting in Europe.

Jerry:Well, we're not in Europe. We're in New York.

Mary:So what, you're too good for a simple kiss hello?

Jerry:I'm not too good for it, I just don't do it.

Mary:Fine. FINE. You know what? Don't ever speak to me again.

Mary:And tell your doorman I'm banned from this building.

Jerry:Can I use your shower?

Kramer:My shower? Yeah, sure. But I gotta tell you, after that thing with the low talker and the high talker, and the whole dry cleaning situation... I don't know, Jerry. I'm not comfortable with this right now.